Austen potpourri

Amy suggested I put some of collected Austen referential items in a separate topic. So for completeness, I'll start by placing here, what I posted to the wrong topic. ("Pardon the interference, it was kindly meant"). Pride and Prejudice 'Marry well', is Bennet tenet: Bingley singly must remain Since classy Darcy (Lizzy-dizzy) thinks he's far too good for Jane. Rummy mummy, jaunty aunty, these would drag both gallants down - Plus the younger siblings' dribblings over officers in town. See the specious Wicham trick'em with his tales of birthright gloom, See how hideous Lydia's ruin looms before she gets her groom; Glassy Darcy saves the bacon, shaken out of former pride: Is he Lizzy's destined love, to shove her prejudice aside? Has she clout to flout that matron, patroness of priestly coz (He whose ludicrous proposing Rosings rules - like all he does)? Darcy oughter court her daughter, destined his through two decades ... 'Mulish, foolish girl, remember Pemberley's polluted shades!' Dare she share his great estate, or can't Aunt Catherine be defied? Yes! and ere the bells ring jingly, Bingley too shall claim his bride. by Mary Holtby

And here's the one about Emma (more to appear later as I get the required typing energy...) Emma Miss Bates has a visitor: 'My dear Mrs Cole, how very kind - yes, quite well, I thank you - do pray take a seat. We have such news! Have you heard - No? Well, I think it is all a secret, so perhaps I should not say but no one had any idea - except Jane and Mr Churchill, of course, and all the time we thought he was only calling about my mother's spectacles. Dear Jane is much better already - we are so thankful. Do oblige us by taking some refreshment - one of Mr Knightley's baked apples - some cake? Miss Woodhouse called yesterd y and was so good as to taste a small slice and pronounce it delicious - such kindness. She is now out with Jane - she takes the news extremely well, considering - no sign of disappointment - Box Hill, yes, delightful - but I am afraid my silly chatter sometimes - however, Mr Churchill did seem so very attentive - but then we are all so fond of the excellent Miss Woodhouse - but to think all this time - one can hardly credit - it was poor Mrs Churchill dying, you know, that let it all out. We have surpris s indeed in Highbury, do we not, Mrs Cole? First, Mr Elton suddenly brings back a bride - charming - but some thought he showed a marked preference for Miss Smith, some thought for another - I never notice such things - and now on top of Jane being engaged to Mr Churhill we hear Miss Smith is to marry the good Mr Martin of Abbey Mill Farm - oh, must you be going? So sorry you will not take a baked apple, one of Mr Knightley's - he will be marrying next, I should not be surprised - so much talk of marrying going on - and there's our dear Miss Woodhouse - what could be more suitable?' by Joyce Johnson from: 'How to Become Ridiculously Well-Read in One Evening' compiled by E. O. Parrott Viking, Penguiun Books, 1985

"Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck!" After reviewing my collection of fine one-liners that I have gleened from the Internet, I was struck with the applicability of so many of them to P&P. To wit, here is part one: Mrs Bennet doesn't really know the meaning of 'gentlemanly behavoir': "Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't." Neither does Lady C know what it is to be a true proficient: "A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals." And Mrs Bennet knows how to Mr Collins overstaying his welcome: "Hospitality: Making your guests feel at home, even though you wish they were." On the other hand, Charlotte benefits from Lizzy's friendship: "Friends: People who know you well, but like you anyway." Groucho had the right take on Darcy's first attending the Meryton Assembly: "I have had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." And after her first encounter with Darcy, Lizzy concurs with Shakespeare: "I do desire we may be better strangers" Although Jane is reputed to be more beautiful than Lizzy, I'd would rate her to possess at least 1,500 millihelens: "Millihelen - the amount of beauty required to launch one ship" As for the failure of the Bennet parents to wiggle out of the entail: "Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to conceive." One constantly wonders just what exactly did Mr B see in Mrs B: "If you are horny, it's lust, but if your partner's horny, it's affection." Perhaps Mr B's feelings toward Mrs B can best be summed: "I will always love the false image I had of you" Mr Bennet secretly wishes: "If only I could be respected without having to be respectable." Mr Bennet's attitude seems to be: "I am not cynical, just experienced." In reflecting upon her father, Lizzy observes that: "Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others." Mr Collins has never learned that: "Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool." Mr Collins knows that his proposals will not fail begin acceptable: "Confidence: The feeling you have before you understand the situation." It's not only that Mr Collins is dense: "Some people would not recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head." Bingley envies Darcy's library: "A Renaissance man diffuses to refine himself" As for the verbal duelling between Darcy and Lizzy: "I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it." Just when it appears that Bingley will pop for Jane: "Nothing recedes like success" And although Bingley and Jane seem meant for each other: "Predestination was doomed from the start." Miss Bingley has hopes for her brother: "Absence makes the heart grow fonder... for someone else." Mr Hurst is countinually freely he is under the influence of: "Heineken Uncertainty Principle: Never sure how many beers you had last night." - and he suffers from: "Hangover: The wrath of grapes." - and he is in complete agreement with Dean Martin: "You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."

And for better measure, here is part the twain: Poor Mr Collins can't seem to make up his mind about whom to marry: "I used to think I was indecisive, but now I am not so sure." Mr Collins has such a way with subtle flattery: "I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation." And Mr Collins is so given to verbal flair in his letters: "Eloquence is logic on fire." But Mr. C is so thick Lizzy's sarcastic remarks go right over his head: "He who laughs last didn't get the joke." As Charlotte discovered on her wedding night at Lucas Lodge: "One good turn usually gets most of the blanket." As Mr Wickham knows after running up debts all over town: "It's not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere." Mr Wickham has designs on the fortunes of many young ladies: "Don't steal. The government hates competition." Contrasting Mrs Bennet with Mr Collins we observe: "Silly is a state of mind. Stupid is a way of life" As Mr Collins approaches Darcy at Netherfield, Lizzy is abhorent: "There is a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not a fence." The younger Bennets (and parents) at the Netherfield ball exemplify: "Never offend with style when you can offend with substance" Mary discovers the perfect defense against potential suitors: "An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible." Jane's letters to Caroline go astray, and Lizzy's is almost misdirected too: "People usually get what's coming to them... unless it was mailed" After buying a frivilous hat Lydia finds that: "Matter cannot be created or destroyed; nor can it be returned without a receipt." Mrs Bennet is so distracted by Lydia's disappearance she feels that: "The more things change, the more they stay insane" When challenging Lizzy's supposed enagement, Lady C discovers: "There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes." After Dary's first proposal, he finds that: "Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else." Mr B acknowledges about Lydia's elopement: "I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem" Lydia has a practical approach to meeting officers: "Yield to temptation; it might not pass your way again." It's not that Wickham is living on the edge: "I just need enough to tide me over until I need more" Upon receiving his new son-in-law Wickham at Longborne, Mr B feels: "I would like to help you out. Which way did you come in?" And Lydia finds her Wickham losing affection after they settle down: "The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly." Upon meeting Lady C, Lizzy felt: "I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception" Upon receiving Darcy's letter, Lizzy finds: "You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You will learn a lot today." In her confrontation with Lizzy, Lady C discovers she is a: "Bachelorette: A woman who is footloose and fiancee-free." Should Lizzy visit Pemberley and risk meeting Darcy? "To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question... or is it?" After his spontaneous swim, Dary surely felt: "I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini" After visting the Pemberley, Lizzy begins to fall under Darcy's spell "While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position" After Darcy is properly humbled by Lizzy he feels: "I may not be the world's greatest lover, but number seven's not bad" Although Dary has not yet learned to be laughed at, he and Lizzy discover: "Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing." And Darcy's philosphy toward women is: "I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best" And finally, when it comes to P&P viewing and reading: "Some is good, more is better, too much is just right." Or more simply: "Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. -- Mae West," Well that's all for now. Anything else come to mind, fellow conferees?

Whew! It'll take me a while to digest all those! Did you write the Laws Of Acquisition as well, Bill?

There is no way I can be that clever!

too funny Bill

You are all too smart for me... Very witty.

ROTFLOL, ROTFLOL, ROTFLOL, ROTFLOL, ROTFLOL, ROTFLOL, ROTFLOL, ROTFLOL

Prolonged AGing!!! Very, very amusing!!!!

ROTFLOL Very clever Bill! All your own??

Did I write all the oneliners, Inko? Nay, not one - just pounded out the intros this morning and put it together. Caroline - you mentioned Laws of Acquisition?? Do you feel I acquired something I should not have, perchance? I am all bewilderment!

Bill -- Charlotte Lucas actually didn't spend her wedding night at Lucas Lodge: ``The bride and bridegroom set off for Kent from the church door.'' -- Chapter 26 Also, I'm sorry to hear that you find Lizzy "abhorrent"

Re: Lucas Lodge, guess I took a turn for the verse (artistic license!). I was relying on my quicksand-like memory: easy to get info in; extremely difficult to get info out. Thanks for the correction. As for finding the possessor of 1,500 millihelens of beauty abhorrent: impossible. But for me spelling (and finding the correct word) is a "lossed art". Have you ever noticed how much more effective proofreading is after publication? I seem to have a proclivity to drop at least a few words while typing (guess I'm too used to having my language compiler find the bugs for me!). Sigh.

Very entertaining -- obviously from a much more creative mind than mine!

Well, here we are back in the low rent district of Austen topics - Cheapside, if you will, where puns and cheap side-splitters may abound. Glad to be of amusement - your comments left me with a sheepish grin; which I have since cloned, BTW. The world's first, without a doubt. As I am utterly unoriginal, I have asked Quarky the quantum duck, my nervous friend for these past 20 postings to speak up whenever I trespass on someone else wit. BTW, I did raise ducks, geese, rabbits, chickens, pigeons, and even an uncloned lamb in my first half life in the outskirts of Gland Rapids, MI - (BTW did you know that radioactive cats have 18 half lives? Quark! But I digress within my digression, a truly perverse recurse.)

H-m-m-m. For some reason my Internet Explorer refuses to upload longer messages. To continue my train of thought: As for the one-liners, a happy(?) thought occurred. I have a few left in my bag; perhaps you would like to connect them to a P&P person and/or situation (video or literal). For example, were I to present: "Hey, someone stole the cork off my lunch" (Quark! W.C. Fields) you could instantly link it with the all-too obvious Rip Van Hurst. Reaching deep into the back of my hall closet (Fibber McGee fans may AG here - wow, that really dates me, but that's just all well - no one else will, nor should they, for I am a harpily married man! Just kidding, no flames please. Would that make me a post toast-ee!?). Anyway I found the following one liner - not sure who wrote it, but Midler would be my best Bette: "But enough about me. Let's talk about you. What do you think of me?" Anyone from P&P jump out at you. (If so ... DUCK - Quark!). Any takers? BTW, if you have any proposals for better use of any of previous one-liners, I would love to hear of it. Thanks.

Very funny enjoyed a lot :)

"But enough about me. Let's talk about you. What do you think of me?" Lady Catherine but should would only remain silent for the first two or three words of the answer before telling the person that they thought of her.

DTBT first time around. "But enough about me. Let's talk about you. What do you think of me?" Lady Catherine but she would only remain silent for the first two or three words of the answer before telling the person that they thought of her.

Bill - But for me spelling (and finding the correct word) is a "lossed art". Have you ever noticed how much more effective proofreading is after publication? I seem to have a proclivity to drop at least a few words while typing (guess I'm too used to having my language compiler find the bugs for me!). Sigh. Bill, that's called 'doing the Bingley thing" (DTBT); take a peek at the Glossary topic for the definition. We are all proficients at DTBT, I daresay. :-)

Radioactive cats? If I send mine to Los Alamos, will they live twice as long?

Kali, nope, your cats will live as long as always; note 18 half lives = 9 full lives. It is similar with people: two can live as cheaply as one ---- for half as long (Quark!). I agree, Lady C is the outstanding candidate. Here is an another volley, this time from Golda Meir: "Don't be humble ... you're not that great"

"Don't be humble ... you're not that great" muttered by Lizzie as she reads Darcy's letter!

"Don't be humble..." Inko, that certainly does capture Lizzy's resentment. I had only considered Mr Collins and his constant fawning pride of connection to Lady C. Here's another for consideration: "My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right!"

"Lost in the dangling conversation ..." Persuasion - by Mary Holtby How barren is the baronet Who in production falters, So far as only girls to get! - This fate was poor Sir Walter's. An Elliot of the purest breed, His rank he strongly fancies, But Kellynch Hall he must concede Because of strained finances. His tenant is a naval man And curiously, related To one who'd wooed his daughter, Anne, Which she'd reciprocated. Eight years ago this gentle soul To chuck him was persuaded, By friends and kin, though, on the whole, She could not think as they did. Back in her life (a trifle stiff), He flirts with pert Louisa, Who likes to take the high-jump if His hands are there to seize her. But once too often, tempting fate, This miss just missed her mister, Who carried her inanimate To those who could assist her. She from her fall - and Frederick - Conveniently recovers, And both are commendably quick To gather other lovers. (Sir Walter's heir supports the trend; Of Anne profanely dreaming, He swaps her for her father's friend - An end to mutual scheming.) For Fred at heart's a faithful man And early takes occasion Once more to speak his love to Anne, Who now needs no Persuasion. from: 'How to Become Ridiculously Well-Read in One Evening' compiled by E. O. Parrott, Viking, Penguin Books, 1985

Bill: Are you on speed?? Espresso round the clock? Or simply Spock's replica, buzzing away on UHF beyond our collective grey matter? ;-)

Wendy, I deserve neither such praise, nor such censure! ;-)

Gentle conferees, For the past several months I have been researching P&P in preparation for my forthcoming essay: 'Evaluating the Major Themes of P&P - a Critical Approach to Critical Approaches'. So imbued have I become with all that is P&P that even sleep brought no relief from P&P ruminations. This morning I awoke in a sweat, shocked and grieved by a most startling revelation. The major protagonists are not Lizzy and Darcy after all; they are instead (and I know you will have hard time believing this): Mr. Wickham and r. Collins! I am sure that you are just as surprised, vexed and put out to learn this as I was. If you will do me the honor of reading this, perhaps you will acquit me of the charge of writing in such stupid manner. The true theme of P&P is not, as has been assumed for so many centuries, the unreliability of hate at first sight. No, rather, the subtle theme is this: the absolute necessity for the separation of the Church and Estate. Think about it. The upper class in P&P has made an absolute botch of providing quality spiritual leadership for the fleeced of the species. What was Lady Catherine thinking when she offered the Living to our hero, that most stupid of men, Mr. Collins? This, the man who suggested to Mr. Be net that it was his Christian duty to forget Lydia and never again mention her name, just because she wanted to see a little bit of London with some guy. And the senior Mr. Darcy was obviously a very poor judge of character: to think that Mr. Wickham would be in any way qualified in preparing sermons for a living. True, he could talk a good game, yet he is such a man! This theme was no doubt so revolutionary and shocking for the times that our beloved Ms. Austen had to be very sly with us and bury it amon st the extraneous themes concerning the imposition of good manners upon the proper performance of the mating dance. Happily, truth sees daylight at last. You can imagine the effect of this revelation on my equanimity. How humiliating was such a discovery! I, who prided myself in my discernment! Until that moment I never truly knew myself. But I am determined not to be misled for the second time. I am going to continue my deliberations until I feel, as well as know, that I am right. I am determined to make this thesis of Church-Estate Separation the basis of my first book. There being a great economy of in the distribution of good taste, I know that such a ook will not enjoy a very large readership, but I have hopes that royalties will provide a comfortable income - say about 10 thousand a year (what pin money, what jewels!). I'm thinking about titling the book: 'A Truth Universally Acknowledged - AND WRONG!' Being a computer geek, I am fully aware of my artistic limitations, and, as we all know just how unreliable first impressions can be, perhaps you, my cyber friends, can assist by coming up with a snappier title that will greatly increase its chances of walking out the bookstore. Merci, in advance.

Re:#29 LOL! Bill, what a delight you are!! I have no titles to suggest for your book, but I will buy it.

You truly are one of a kind Bill!

Very interesting, Bill -- but, do you believe that times have changed? I may not be the best judge here (as I am, I must confess a blatant liberal -- I believe that at the present, you can get shot for admitting such a thing here in Calif.) Think of the "Moral Majority" and how they talk of God, Jesus, and Forgivness in one breath and then give huge sums of money to the Republican Party and blast "Welfare Moms". We also have the ultra rich conservatives (Rush comes to mind here), filled so much with pa anoid hate while promoting Christianity. Anyway, please forgive me, I certainly didn't mean to shove my own political agenda down anyone's throat here, but you seemed to have hit a nerve :-) -- Anyway, my point being...have times changed?

What!, Candace, California liberals wish me bodily harm merely for my original interpretation of P&P? (Do I detect a slight tug of my leg?) Such an opinion could hardly be called liberal, indeed, it is quite the opposite! But rest assured, Candace, although I may be teaching you not to believe a word I say, in my libertarian soul I find great enjoyment in occasionally professing opinions which are not my own. It was certainly not my intent to rouse the sleeping dogs of politics and religion; no, let us allow them to slumber undisturbed. ;-)

Tis true that the Brontes father was a known eccentric. Later characterized by Charlotte, simply misanthropic. There is a very interesting article in this months "Biography" about what the Bronte's went through. They wrote about what the "lived",but everyone knew this,right.;-)

How should one consider the almost total lack of response to my bold book proposal? I beg your pardon but one knows exactly what to think: farewell pin money and jewels. 'Tis a pity as I was quite prepared to bring to light the influences of JA's pastoral father upon her views on the separation of Church and Estate. But now it is all lost; and once lost it is lost forever. But let us not quarrel about the past. And let us not say goodbye, but as the Basques have it: 'Je parle francais comme une vache Espa jole!' ;-)

Yes particularly the Basque :) LOL

Bill, Jane Austen already included the topic of separation of church and state in her Plan of a Novel according to Hints from Various Quarters: ``SCENE to be in the Country, Heroine the Daughter of a Clergyman, one who after having lived much in the World had retired from it and settled in a Curacy, with a very small fortune of his own. -- He, the most excellent Man that can be imagined, perfect in Character, Temper, and Manners -- without the smallest drawback or peculiarity to prevent his being the most delightful companion to his Daughter from one year's end to the other. -- Heroine a faultless Character herself, -- perfectly good, with much tenderness and sentiment, and not the least Wit -- very highly accomplished, understanding modern Languages and (generally speaking) everything that the most accomplished young Women learn, but particularly excelling in Music -- her favourite pursuit -- and playing equally well on the PianoForte and Harp -- and singing in the first stile. Her Person quite beautiful -- dark eyes and plump cheeks. -- Book to open with the description of Father and Daughter -- who are to converse in long speeches, elegant Language -- and a tone of high serious sentiment. -- The Father to be induced, at his Daughter's earnest request, to relate to her the past events of his Life. This Narrative will reach through the greatest part of the first volume -- as besides all the circumstances of his attachment to her Mother and their Marriage, it will comprehend his going to sea as Chaplain to a distinguished naval character about the Court, his going afterwards to Court himself, which introduced him to a great variety of Characters and involved him in many interesting situations, concluding with his opinions on the Benefits to result from Tithes being done away, and his having buried his own Mother (Heroine's lamented Grandmother) in consequence of the High Priest of the Parish in which she died refusing to pay her Remains the respect due to them. The Father to be of a very literary turn, an Enthusiast in Literature, nobody's Enemy but his own -- at the same time most zealous in discharge of his Pastoral Duties, the model of an exemplary Parish Priest. -- The heroine's friendship to be sought after by a young woman in the same Neighbourhood, of Talents and Shrewdness, with light eyes and a fair skin, but having a considerable degree of Wit, Heroine shall shrink from the acquaintance. From this outset, the Story will proceed, and contain a striking variety of adventures. Heroine and her Father never above a fortnight together in one place, he being driven from his Curacy by the vile arts of some totally unprincipled and heart-less young Man, desperately in love with the Heroine, and pursuing her with unrelenting passion. -- No sooner settled in one Country of Europe than they are necessitated to quit it and retire to another -- always making new acquaintance, and always obliged to leave them. -- This will of course exhibit a wide variety of Characters -- but there will be no mixture; the scene will be for ever shifting from one Set of People to another -- but All the Good will be unexceptionable in every respect -- and there will be no foibles or weaknesses but with the Wicked, who will be completely depraved and infamous, hardly a resemblance of humanity left in them. -- Early in her career, in the progress of her first removals, Heroine must meet with the Hero -- all perfection of course -- and only prevented from paying his addresses to her by some excess of refinement. -- Wherever she goes, somebody falls in love with her, and she receives repeated offers of Marriage -- which she refers wholly to her Father, exceedingly angry that he should not be first applied to. -- Often carried away by the anti-hero, but rescued either by her Father or by the Hero -- often reduced to support herself and her Father by her Talents and work for her Bread; continually cheated and defrauded of her hire, worn down to a Skeleton, and now and then starved to death. -- At last, hunted out of civilized Society, denied the poor Shelter of the humblest Cottage, they are compelled to retreat into Kamschatka where the poor Father, quite worn down, finding his end approaching, throws himself on the Ground, and after 4 or 5 hours of tender advice and parental Admonition to his miserable Child, expires in a fine burst of Literary Enthusiasm, intermingled with Invectives against holders of Tithes. -- Heroine inconsolable for some time -- but afterwards crawls back towards her former Country -- having at least 20 narrow escapes from falling into the hands of the Anti-hero -- and at last in the very nick of time, turning a corner to avoid him, runs into the arms of the Hero himself, who having just shaken off the scruples which fetter'd him before, was at the very moment setting off in pursuit of her. -- The Tenderest and completest Eclaircissement takes place, and they are happily united. -- Throughout the whole work, Heroine to be in the most elegant Society and living in high style. The name of the work not to be Emma, but of the same sort as S. & S. and P. & P.

Would have responded but didn't know what to say, after all I live in the state that keeps sending Jesse Helms to DC (Ugh)!:-( (I think HC said it best) Religious structures are highly political, arent they?

And often, politics become religion to those playing the game...

Answer to Bill #39 -- Kind sir, I believe that you misunderstood my ranting. I would never imply that your position on this subject would be unfavorable here in Calif. or anywhere else. You simply stated an opinion about JA's writings. I was referring to my own "liberal" opinions which I believe are no longer tolerated in my state.

Thank you, the ever more Mysterious H.C., for the valuable contribution of your splendid research. It appears that JA's antipathy for the clergy was even stronger than I suspected. Much obliged.

Whew, Candace, what a relief! Thanks for clearing away the confusion. Whenever the phrase 'you can get shot' appears in a sentence discussing my opinions, I tend to get a little jumpy (my poor nerves), and usually land on the wrong conclusion. Now I shall be able to visit your fair state this summer with greater peace of mind (I'll be the tall gentleman with the short beard - be sure to wave). My younger sister is eloping with some bounder, but I dare say I shall not have the resources necessary to preven this business. It appears that I have achieved true 'ditty bitty' symmetry: sloppy reading as well as sloppy writing. Presumably the definition of a mild case of dyslexic DTBT would be: itty bitty ditty!