<b>Ask Miss Bingley...</b>

Dear Miss Bingley, Why are those b-in-carat symbols around the title of your new column? Sincerely, Miss Nomer

Miss Nomer, My private secretary Cecily committed the error, though when I questioned her on the matter she pretended it was a monogram for my name. "In that case," I royally reminded her, "you ought to have put my initial with 14 carats!" One can never be too easy on one's staff, or they take on airs. Always in control, Miss Caroline Bingley

Dear Miss Bingley, I have met the most wonderful gentleman who is absolutely perfect in both connexions and appearance, but he seems to be paying an unbecoming amount of attention to a woman who should be completely beneath his notice. What is the best way for me to make him aware of the error of his ways? - In a Quandry in Bath

My dear Miss Bingley, There is a person of my acquaintance whom I have an almost uncontrollable desire to slap! I am, of course, excessively well-bred, of good family, and this person of my, limited, acquaintance is barely two generations away from trade and yet insists upon putting on such airs as would make you blush to see! Tell me, Miss Bingley, have you ever known such a person, and how, pray tell, did you manage to remain in her presence and maintain your countenance? Vexed in Hertfordshire

Great idea, Cecily.

Dear Miss Take, I don't wonder at your being "In a Quandry in Bath"! It is sad that even "the most wonderful gentleman, absolutely perfect in both connexions and appearance, may pay an unbecoming amount of attention to a woman who should be completely beneath his notice." There are several little ploys, used by society ladies, to make such a man aware of the error of his ways. One is to have a group of your friends sit near him at a party (where she has deliberately NOT been invited) and discuss her every flaw, physical especially, and the tricks she supposedly uses to cover them up- rouge, specially designed dresses, a funny little walk, wigs, and so on. It does not matter if these are true; he will still start looking at her more critically. It is also of course important that YOU be at that party, impeccably coiffed and frocked and endearingly sweet towards him at every possible opportunity. If this ploy fails, you could have a nasty bit of gossip planted in the gazette about her moral character: her being seen slumming with lower-class men or playing up to another wealthy man in town...again, perhaps not true but designed to save him from falling for her himself. Hope this helps, Miss Caroline Bingley

Dear Vexed in Hertfordshire, My sister Caroline has suddenly become ill so I am replying to your letter. I am sorry to hear that "a person of [your] acquaintance [has caused you] an almost uncontrollable desire to slap" since you are "excessively well-bred, of good family, and this person is barely two generations away from trade yet insists upon putting on such airs!" You ask how "to remain in her presence and maintain your countenance." First, let me say you remind me of a charmingly spirited young lady I know at Longbourne who is quick to spot arrogance and pride in anyone's behavior. I could recommend her approach, which avoids hitting and proves her own dignity, particularly since I have seen her have to use it around persons of my own close circle who exhibit such airs. She either ignores barbed comments thrown in her direction or deflects them with epigrammatic humor and truisms so that the "superior" person shuts down temp rarily. As to trade, I personally agree that since many of us have that in our family heritage, we none of us has the right to belittle the connexion. My own view in general is that we should be as pleasant as possible around everyone to make each day a delightful experience. Cheerio, Charles Bingley

Dear Vexed in Hertfordshire, My sister Caroline has suddenly become ill so I am replying to your letter. I am sorry to hear that "a person of [your] acquaintance [has caused you] an almost uncontrollable desire to slap" since you are "excessively well-bred, of good family, and this person is barely two generations away from trade yet insists upon putting on such airs!" You ask how "to remain in her presence and maintain your countenance." First, let me say you remind me of a charmingly spirited young lady I know at Longbourne who is quick to spot arrogance and pride in anyone's behavior. I could recommend her approach, which avoids hitting and proves her own dignity, particularly since I have seen her have to use it around persons of my own close circle who exhibit such airs. She either ignores barbed comments thrown in her direction or deflects them with epigrammatic humor and truisms so that the "superior" person shuts down temp rarily. As to trade, I personally agree that since many of us have that in our family heritage, we none of us has the right to belittle the connexion. My own view in general is that we should be as pleasant as possible around everyone to make each day a delightful experience. Cheerio, Charles Bingley

Dear Mr/ Miss Bingley: I am in a similar circumstance as Miss Take, although I am inquiring regarding attractive handsome, and well-to-do men while I am attending the annual balls in London. How do I make myself noticed, but not by drawing unecessary attention to myself (much like an aquaintance I know from Longborn named Lydia). And pray tell, who do I deal with more than one suitor at a time? Mixed up in Meryton, Miss Davey

Dear Miss Bingley, How many of our feathered friends must be slaughtered each year to satisfy your millinery needs? It must cost you a great deal. Luckily, we in the avian community are compassionate creatures and would like to propose a little deal. We will allow you as many of our lovely feathers as you like, even ostrich or flamingo ones, if you will allow us to use your head as a beak-sharpener. What'dya say Caroline? -Big Bird P.S. The toucans wish me to express their admiration of the beak-like structure protruding from your face.

Dear Mr/ Miss Bingley: Dear Miss Davey, My brother has deferred to me in this matter, Mixed up in Meryton. One supposes you have good contacts in London which accounts for your attending the annual balls. Surely a older female relation of yours has hinted how to make yourself noticed and deal with more than one suitor at a time! While drawing unecessary attention to yourself can be despicable, (and I do know that , aquaintance from Longborn named Lydia), you must cultivate enough attention, or the annual balls are a useless expen e in the area of matchmaking. A few words, then: Before the season begins, get catalogs from London's best fashion shops and select the alluring styles you can find to make up as gowns. Consider having your hair and hats updated as well, though I doubt anyone in Meryton would have a clue as to how to help you there, so arrive at London early to have those done. Practice daily your walk, your arch look, your clever repartee, and add a list of "compliments to the gentlemen" to your diary to memorize. These are the acceptable sorts o behaviours ladies prepare and use at the balls to get attention. As for more than one suitor at a time, my dear, quite pretty girls seem to have an inborn knack of mildly flirting with all of them in sequence, flattering each in his turn, so that all stay around one for the entire ball, if not season. A certain decorum must accompany these proceedings, however coy, so as never to become the bouncy, shrieking example you have in Lydia. Good luck, Miss Caroline Bingley

Dear Reader, Big Bird?! What a pen name! It denotes a person of eccentricity, as does your "plea" in the name of your feathered friends. Humans being the most significant creatures on earth, it is only natural we "slaughter each year to satisfy our millinery needs," along with our love of the hunt and eating of meat. "It must cost you a great deal": yes, but the sheer pleasure of wearing feathers and fur warrant the cost to society people. The rest of your letter exhibited either complete lunatic identification with birds instead of humans, or attempted cruel humor at my expense. Luckily, i am a compassionate creatures and would like to propose that you go to one of the sanitoriums in Britain, assuming a cure is even possible in a case like yours. I am perfectly happy with my looks but have only to wonder what grotesquerie you must be hiding if you resemble a Big Bird and talk to toucans. Fesile in my concern, Miss Caroline Bingley us to use your head as a beak-sharpener. What'dya say Caroline? -Big Bird P.S. The toucans wish me to express their admiration of the beak-like structure protruding from your face.

My guest columnists for the next few days are Mr. Darcy, Mrs. Hurst, and my brother Charles, if I am unavailable.

Re: 101:11 See the end of Lady Susan: ``I can pity only Miss Manwaring who, coming to town and putting herself to an expense in Clothes which impoverished her for two years, on purpose to secure him [Sir James], was defrauded of her due by a woman ten years older than herself.'' Re: 101:12 Here's a cute link: http://www.mtd.com/tasty/

Dear Miss Bingley (or any other well-meaning gentlewoman or gentleman weel-versed in matters of delicate ettiquette), Yesterday morning whilst availing myself of public transport to deliver me to my place of employment I found myself standing next to a gentleman engrossed in reading a small volume, whose title I was unable to discern. Leaving aside for the moment his impolitic behaviour in not offering to vacate his place for me to sit down, I was fascinated by the material he was reading. Would it have been very improper for me to contort my figure to a large degree in order to see the article more clearly? Modesty p evented it of course, but as he employs the same mode of transport as my humble self every day, but has yet been indifferent to my presence, I feel that should a similar situation arise again I should be justified in bending the rules of propriety (and my shapely figure) just a little. Please advise me, for I am most anxious to gain this gentleman's acquaintance and regard. Yours &c. Slave to Public Transport

Dear Miss Bingley, You will, I hope, excuse my forwardness in addressing you on so delicate a subject as that to which I refer below, but I have for so long admired your strong and fearless character, so different from my own. I believe that you may be the lady to whom I can confide my most guilty secret. My trouble, Miss Bingley, is that I have for some time now found it impossible to form an attachment to any eligible gentleman who could be considered acceptable as a potential husband. My difficulty is partly one of situation, as I reside for the most part in the country, where opportunities for meeting young gentlemen are not great. Even when we go to London, where my family has a house, we do not go about to balls and parties over-much, for my brother, who is my guardian, dislikes society. I have in the past spent some time at the seaside communities where assemblies and other social events are common, but I fear I did not behave all the time as a lady ought to do, so I have no great hopes for returning. But the real problem, Miss Bingley, is that although I have on occasion met some very delightful young gentlemen, I have never been able to find one who even began to measure up to my most beloved brother. He is, indeed, a king among men! Such looks, such affection, such indulgence! I have never seen the equal of it. I would be happy to spend the rest of my life with him, but the good principles on which I was raised have taught me that this is not acceptable, ladylike behaviour. Besides which, my new dearest sister would have my guts for garters if I tried to cut her out. I once attempted an alliance which I thought would give my brother pleasure, since the gentleman involved was his oldest acquaintance, but the plan went sadly awry, and caused extreme agitation in my family. Miss Bingley, please advise me. I trust your judgment, even if you have so far been unsuccessful in obtaining a husband of your own. After all, my fortune is fifty percent greater than yours. Yours, etc., Distressed in Derbyshire

Dear Miss Moeed, Forgive me, but I could not bring myself to address you as Slave to Public Transport, a term which does you little credit, I am sure. You asked if, while "availing myself of public transport to deliver me to my place of employment...it would have been very improper for me to contort my figure to a large degree in order to see the article more clearly?" You also refer to the fellow's "impolitic behaviour in not offering to vacate his place for me to sit down." You have said quite enough, madam, as to make me doubt the wisdom of wishing to such a person. If he has steadfastly refused to acknowledge your presence or need of a seat, he evidently is neither polite nor interested. Your "modesty" should indeed prevent you from making a spectacle of yourelf in such a case. Any gentleman at all fascinated by a lady will demonstrate it in his eyes and manners. I am afraid that unless the matter changes or you find a mutual acquaintance to introduce you, you should not attempt an action which could merit a rebuff and future daily embarrassment on the public transport. Sincerely yours, Fitzwilliam Darcy

Dear Distressed in Derbyshire, Yours is a sad case, so much so I sought my sister's thoughts on it. We are in agreement that you need the support of a strong female friend, if your "new sister" is not such a one. (Is she your brother's new wife? Why not enlist her as an ally in giving more teas or parties, or at least garnering invitations to them? If you cannot with her, for some reason, seek a suitable friend.) You seem, according to your letter, to fluctuate between knowing how to be a young lady and failing to act like one. "Guts for garters" is such a vile phrase! And what pray tell do you do at some events that you consider so unladylike? This "alliance that went awry"-- was it an attempt to get a proposal, or an attempted seduction on his part? We are not clear on your particulars, but if your brother is indeed a "king" and a well-principled one at that, perhaps you need to write him a let er, explaining your sense of being adrift, needing guidance and more supervised socializing. If he understands your view on the difficulty, he may provide more help and a plan to free you from this "secret" worry. And since you have a house in town, spend more time here with a strong female companion (there are even etiquette instructresses available for hire here) and schedule your days to include as many outings as possible. Once you start speaking up for (and organizing) yourself, it becomes easier to live as every young lady is meant to. With a view to your future, (Miss)Caroline Bingley

Dear Distressed in Derbyshire, As an alternative advice columnist, I am sincerely distressed by your plight, and would like to invite you to my home in the North. I promise to help you find a handsome red-suited officer within a month! But not one of my favorites, as I need to keep them around for when my dear husband is away. We're a bit short on cash right now, so please ask your brother for some pin money, pack your dancing shoes, and jump on the coach. Time to go, we married women don't have time to write letters. Yours faithfully, Mrs. W.

Dear Distressed in Derbyshire,

Dear Distressed in Derbyshire, A few smiles, a few compliments to the Navy, a tumble down some stairs, a new interest in poetry, and you will be as happy as I am. Good luck, L.M.

Dear Mrs. Hurst, Your husband has found such a lovely and talented wife in you! Please enlighten me as to what attracted you both to each other and what has kept your marriage together so harmonious. An admirer, Mr. E.

Dear Mr. Darcy, What is your view on love and courtship? Should persons of refinement permit themselves to feel and express any sort of passion, or should they hold in check such a tendency and only act with affection and restraint? Should the man take the lead in showing his feelings first? And, if not impertinent, have you ever had situations involving love? Dying to know (you), Miss Leading

Dear Miss Bingley: Lately, I find myself in a social dilemma of the most shocking and abominable kind. A certain young lady frequenting the rounds in Hartfordshire has exhibited such a country sort of ignorance of her own jealousy that I find I must restrain myself from slapping her across the room. Pray tell me -- should I hold myself in check, or give her the thrashing she deserves? Cordially, Confused in Studio City

Dear Mr. E., I simply adore your name's abbreviation: such an air of mystery about it! And your complimentary "Your husband has found such a lovely and talented wife in you!" was so sweet. Prepare to be enlightened "as to what attracted you both to each other and what has kept our marriage together so harmonious"... I met Mr. Hurst at a costume ball several seasons ago. A dashing sea captain swayed up to me near the beverage table, gallantly filling my glass with claret as he sloshed more into his own. He seemed so merry as he sang a sea chantey and pretended to curse a blue streak as he trod on my "glass slippers" ( I being an unforgettably radiant Cinderella, as he breezily told me). I had never met such a pleasure-loving man with such simple honesty and money; I knew we were the perfect match with my own comple entary savoir faire and Angora-like grace. What keeps us so harmonious as a couple is the secret every couple should employ: chacun a son gout. Mr. Hurst still partakes freely of the cards, hunting, fine wines and food he enjoys so greatly, and if there are times I find the need for more elevated society pleasures I can always count on my sister Caroline and brother Charles for "in the know" chitchat and concerts. I may sum it all up in keep up appearances as a couple, and never air any disagreements publicly. Cordially, Mrs. Hurst

My Dear Miss Bingley: I am in such confusion. The presumptive beau of my dearest friend has been showing more than a passing interest in my own self. He has been quite circumspect, of course, as he is quite the gentleman (and a future baronet). And I do find him most attractive. It is especially inconvenient as I am currently residing w/ my friend Elizabeth and her father in Camden Place in Bath. I am most perplexed as to what course of action I should take. (It would be such a match for me, as I am a widow with children, and he is a fine catch,...er man.) Oh please advise me -- what ought I to do? Bothered in Bath

Dear Miss Leading, I am fixed in astonishment at some of your inquiries! I can readily assure you that my view on love and courtship is neither more nor less than that of any other English gentleman. "Should persons of refinement permit themselves to feel and express any sort of passion, or should they hold in check such a tendency and only act with affection and restraint?" This would seem to suppose that refined persons act only with reason aforethought, never with spontaneity. Sheer impulsivity is stupid, true, but on has the right to feel genuine regard, even beyond affection to the dizzying heights of passion, if the right person enters one's life. Every effort should be made to act with restraint, but the struggle may be in vain; then, in our society, a man "should take the lead in showing his feelings" in, I trust, a lawful avowal and proposal of marriage. I admit to a former prejudice against a lady's being the first to show a preference for someone, in word or look, but a certain bewitching lady of my acquaintance has shown me the error of that arrogant assumption. Indeed, I find myself quite anticipating her spirited play between our visits. And that, miss, is the only answer you may have to your somewhat "impertinent" question about myself, being a private sort of man. Fitzwilliam Darcy

Dear Confused, I confess to being a bit confused myself. Your letter does not indicate precisely whether you are a sir or madam, just that a young lady's ignorance of her own jealousy makes you want to slap or give her a thrashing. Why, pray tell, do you feel this strongly? Is she jealously thinking of you as an intruding flirt on her beau/domain? Are you her beau perhaps, and have you been suspected of treasonous flirting yourself with another woman? Or are you simply an onlooker, tired of her continual poor behavior generally? Whatever the cause, I do not recommend physically beating the wretched girl. It would only reflect ill upon you. Avoid her, write her privately, or comment airily in her hearing about the inadvisability of jealpous actions, but do not stoop to violence! Your image, if not hers, must remain without fault! Modestly, Miss Caroline Bingley Cordially, Confused in Studio City

My dear Bothered in Bath, My sister and I are pleased to make you an answer. It is vexing when a "presumptive beau of a dearest friend has been showing more than a passing interest," circumspect or not. A future baronet, you say? This does make the situation tempting. Let us speak plainly. You must decide, as a woman and mother, what to do if his attentions grow so marked as to lead him to a proposal. Does your value of a friend at whose home you reside mean more or less than your need of a husband and provider? In our view, it is entirely up to you to make that decision, if the need arises, based on your own feelings and sense of delicacy. We know ladies who would choose not to hurt a friend over a matter like this; we also know some who would presume the gentlema has the right to change his mind and therefore one may accept his proposal. If, however, he is merely dallying with you while you are "currently residing w/ friend Elizabeth and her father in Camden Place in Bath," see it for what it is and do not let yourself be abused in this manner. Sincere regards, Miss Caroline Bingley

Dear Mr.Darcy, I have an incredibaly sincere attatchment to a young man in my class. We seem to have the same passions, and are both available. He is of a very wealthy family, 30,000 a year, has excellent connexions, and is of good breeding. Where as I am not very wealthy, 5000 a year, but am comfortable, I have no family connexions, but my breeding in MY eyes is perfect. I consider myself as a Jane MOST of the time. He seems to be interested but I can hardly tell. There is also another young man who keeps peste ing me. He is VERY concieted for his cousin's cousin is related to Bill Clinton, he brags about it CONSTANTLY and is mean to everyone except myself. He keeps asking me out an my reply has been no every time. How do I get rid of him? And should I ask gentleman#1 out for a date or not? YOURS Truely, Miss Cat

Dear Miss Cat, Thank you for your letter. I confess that my role as guest columnist at the entreaty of the Bingleys is not without a certain turmoil. For example, I found myself wondering at the soundness of any remarks I might make to you, despite the best of intentions. However, you have asked my opinion and so I shall give it. You said you have "an incredibaly sincere attatchment to a young man in my class. We seem to have the same passions, and are both available. He is of a very wealthy family, 30,000 a year, has excellent connexions, and is of good breeding. Where as I am not very wealthy, 5000 a year, but am comfortable, I have no family connexions, but my breeding in MY eyes is perfect. I consider myself as a Jane MOST of the time. He seems to be interested but I can hardly tell...should I ask [him] out for a date or not?" If I were to answer this from the perspective of MY day and class, it would be to point out that the polite forms of social ritual need to be observed: you need a neutral meeting ground (a meal, a dance) with family or friend(s) around you both in your early encounters to avoid errors of judgment or behaviour; you may issue an invitation without discredit or embarrassment under these conditions. Once the two of you know each other a lit le better, it is easier to assess the likelihood of a mutual attachment and possible lifetime commitment. In the interest of fairness and courtesy, I can make no commentary on your comparison of family connexions, income, and good breeding with your gentleman friend's, other than to say that true kindred spirits and a powerful enough real love can indeed overlook any disparity. However, this "other young man who keeps pestering...VERY concieted...related to Bill Clinton... brags CONSTANTLY and mean to everyone except...keeps asking me out...my reply no every time. How get rid of him?" is a sorry state of affairs. Might I suggest the power of the written word to him in a tersely correct letter from you, stating clearly your regret but inability to ever develop a stronger regard for him (and possibly your commitment to another relationship)? I would refuse further efforts of hi to contact you by not responding to his notes, calls, etcetera, once you have sent your letter. If you chance to meet him somewhere, state quietly but firmly that you made yourself clear on that point in your letter to him, and then withdraw from talk, by leaving if necessary. Even the dullest of men should perceive the finality of that. Best wishes, Fitzwilliam Darcy

Dear Miss Bingley, I am a 9 year old girl, and I want to know how you can stand to wear those corsets. Also, how did your sister learn to play the piano so well? Thank you, AnneMarie

Dear Mr. Darcy and Mr. Hurst: What is your view on the equality of the sexes? Forthrightly, Miss Vera Outspoken

Dear Miss Bingley: I am a perfect young lady. I am accomplished even by your standards. I speak all the european languages fluently. I play the piano beautifully. I possess that certain someting in my walk and air. And of course I am beautiful and have prettier clothes than anybody. Nobody likes me. One girl keeps acting like she wants to slap me. And no matter how often I point out to the young men how superior I am to the girls they like, they never get interested in me. I guess everyone is jealous of my perfections. How do you deal with the jealousy that your superiority naturally arouses in other people? Perfectly yours, Prissy

Dear AnneMarie, How delightful to hear from a 9 year old girl! However, I must answer you in private because we are talking about ladies' corsets. My dear, you will be astonished as you grow up to discover all manner of things we ladies must put up with for the sake of beauty and charm. Corsets in my day are not so awkward as some of the devices worn by ladies in other times to look slender. And since we learn how to walk and breathe in a careful way, they are not troubling to wear. As to how my sister learned to play the piano so well, she practiced every day, studied under an excellent teacher, and had (I am sure) much talent to begin with. Determination to improve, however, on anyone's part usually guarantees much success, AnneMarie, so practice often whatever talents you wish to blossom. Best wishes, Miss Caroline Bingley

Miss Outspoken- "What is your view on the equality of the sexes?" YOU MUST BE JOKING! And being forthright is a masculine trait, so I can only assume you are an ignorant, silly girl or an ugly, old harridan. Women are created to please and serve men, it's obvious, so equality is out of the question! Bluntly, Mr. Hurst Dear Miss Outspoken, I apologize for my colleague's response to your note, which I was at pains to have him change, but he refused. I can only add my own view on the question, which when known may help alleviate any suffering his response may have caused. I have read such various accounts from supposed "experts" as to puzzle me greatly; my own perspective is simpler, though synthesized from my readings over the years. Women are to be highly regarded and commended, in my view, for all the arduous effort they expend on creating and maintaining their persons, their families and friends, their households, and all manner of activities they chuse to be involved in, voluntary or remunerated. "Equality" is an odd term to me, in that it connotes sameness, whereas I believe men and women to be complementary in their qualities and roles. I conceive of women as equally significant as men, yes, and as or more deserving of respect and protection. I can only add that I enjoy the presence of women in my life, whether my sister, housekeeper, or special friend- and some day, I trust, a wife. Sincerely, Fitzwilliam Darcy

The editor of this London gazette has asked that the Misses Jane and Elizabeth Bennet and Mr./Mrs. Collins also be guest columnists here, (though I was unsure of the soundness of that decision).

Dear Miss Priscilla, Somewhere in all that training you had to become "a perfect young lady" in person, speech, and behaviour, I have the impression you missed a very significant lesson- never talk about yourself directly. All the accomlishments, pretty clothes, and perfections in the world cannot undo the harm of self-complimenting talk. As you already said, "Nobody likes me. One girl keeps acting like she wants to slap me. And no matter how often I point out to the young men how superior I am to the girls they like, they never get interested in me." There may in fact be jealousy of your superiority aroused in other people, but I fear there is resentment and irritation, too. The better way for you to behave around others is to focus your comments on others, giving praise where due or disparagement where not. If your own remarks show sound judgment, some wit, and occasional kindness, others will find your presence more comfortable and your own charms will speak for themselves to the young men you are interested in. Best regards, Miss Caroline Bingley

Miss Bingley, I've made an image for this topic... I hope you like it!

(Thanks to Amy for helping me with the image...)

Dear Miss Elizabeth Bennet, My best friend is going out with the scum of the earth! She is pretty, intelligent, bright, and extremely talented in dancing. Wheras he is cute but he is trouble. He is known for using women for sex, he is a gangsta and this is not proven but many people say he is a drugie. Her ex-boyfriend broke her heart. She caught him cheating on her. She knew she was worth more and ended the relationship. But I fear she still loves him and is trying to get back at him by showng him she "doesn't" care about im. I am afraid for what will happen to her. Please tell me what to tell her. Yours truely, Worried Sick

Dear Worried Sick Since Miss Elizabeth Bennet is on vaction to the South of France she told me to relate this to you as delicately as possible. I always ask her for her expert advise. In the most delicate of pharses: "We all have known many a stupid of persons and believe me this is the stupidest person she could ever involve herself with. I suggest you tell you friend to avoid this "jaded-self-centered" and "unfeeling" "wiched" man at every possoble opportunity and get on with her life. Via: Miss Elizabeth Bennet Donna

RE: Response 39 of 42: The Mysterious H.C. (churchh) * Thu, Dec 26, 1996 (16:38) * 2 lines Miss Bingley, I've made an image for this topic... I hope you like it! Mr. H.C., My secretary Cecily may like it but she dare not say so for employment reasons. My own response is that you are no gentleman, and that being the case, I have no remorse about hiring a villain named Murdoc to deal with you appropriately. You will find him as troubling and unstoppable as Macgyver did, I have no doubt, and fair repayment for the hangman's noose you so maliciously drew above! http://members.aol.com/tntmur/murdoc1.htm Sneeringly polite, Thoroughly Modern Miss Bingley

H.C.- Don't worry; I just gave Miss Bingley some poppy seed tea so I doubt she'll care about contacting Murdoc for awhile (if she even remembers!) Miss Cecily

Dear Mr. Collins, How does a clergyman reconcile his personal needs with those of his higher calling as a spiritual model? Do you think, for example, that the life of a poor ascetic/mystic like St. Francis of Assisi shows greater holiness than that of a middle-class married cleric with his own parsonage and a patron? A fellow sermonizer, John Donne, Jr.

My Dear Mr. Donne, You are most obliging to seek my opinion on matters concerning the Church. Indeed, I do not know when I have been so honored except, of course, by Lady Catherine de Bourgh�s frequent and continued condescension. Now, to answer your most obliging question. I consider it a right thing for every clergyman in easy circumstances (like myself) to set the example of matrimony in his parish. Indeed, Lady Catherine herself has said to me on more than one occasion, "Mr. Collins, you must marry. A clergyman like you must marry." I can only conclude that an ascetic such as St. Francis of Assisi has not been so fortunate as to be distinguished by a patron like Lady Catherine de Bourgh and may not have the means to set the example of matrimony and, therefore, must seek other measures to express his devotion. I encourage you, Mr. Donne, to follow my example, and seek a gentlewoman who is also an active, useful sort of person, not brought up high, but able to make a small income go a good way. I hope, dear sir, that this humble response satisfactorily answers your most condescending question. I remain with respectful compliments to yourself, your well-wisher and friend, William Collins

Mr. Collins, While you are still here as a guest columnist I was wondering if you wouuld be so kind as to tell me your views on forgiveness. Yours Truely, Cat

Dear Miss Cat, It is, indeed, one of the duties of my station to advise my parishioners on the Christian virtue of forgiveness. One should always forgive a straying lamb. But one should also remember that to receive one who has strayed into one�s home can often be seen as an encouragement of vice. I kindly advise all of my flock (and in this, I am most condescendingly joined by Lady Catherine de Bourgh) to practice Christian forgiveness, but to shun the sinner. In this you can be seen to be a truly worthy member of the Church while avoiding contact which might taint your reputation. As Lady Catherine often says, one cannot be too careful about one�s associations. Please accept my grateful respects for your most affecting inquiry, your friend (until you err), William Collins

Dear Miss Jane Bennet, When a young man is in love, but his family and best friend question his choice, must he listen to their advice or follow the dictates of his own heart and understanding? Please help me know your true thoughts, Wavering

Dear Wavering, One does not know what to think. I am sure that your family and best friend mean very well to advise you thus. But you yourself know best what your feelings are and perhaps the young lady's as well, better than others do. If she is all that is modest, charming, and worthy of being your wife, then by all means seek out her hand in marriage as soon as possible. Another such may not come your way to so touch your heart, and she herself may at this very momment be pining for your affectionate wo ds. Waiting to hear from you soon (on how it turns out, I mean, of course), Jane Bingley (Bennet, Bennet! sorry)

Dear Miss Bingley, You may not remember me. Using the silly pseudonym Big Bird, I formerly wrote to ask you a question on behalf of our feathered friends who supply so much of your finery. I am embarrassed even to think of it now. However, since that time, I have taken your advice and sought professional help. I now no longer talk to birds. In fact, I rarely talk to anything less than an earl. (I find that the toucans were better conversationalists than most people of rank, but that is of little matter.) Anyway, to get to my question. I am now comfortably settled in a lovely institution in Derbyshire. Problem is I don't know when I should leave. I mean, when should I consider myself ready to return to good society? The tone of my voice, my address and expressions are all satisfactory, according to a most charming woman named Mrs. Darcy who comes to visit me often. We sometimes take a turn about the room together. In fact, she says there's nothing wrong with a bit of eccentricity in the first place. But I hought I should ask you about it before I leave. Perhaps you could even come for a visit and stay for a while. I tell all the staff here about you and everyone agrees someone such as yourself might benefit from a change of scene and society. I'm sure you'll find it's sooooo refreshing. -Loony in Lambton

Dear Loony in Lambton, I am so relieved that you sought help and a home with those who are prepared for such as you. As to your question, why should you wish to leave? If you are getting the support needed there, are you and your medical staff convinced your "bit of eccentricity" is only that and that you will not revert to some more uniformly bizarre life on the outside if you leave? I am indeed glad that "tone of voice, address and expressions are all satisfactory," but if it IS "according to a most charming woman named Mr . Darcy who comes to visit often," there is a problem. No such person as she exists, at least not yet, so you are evidently being deluded by another inmate of your charming abode. When you take a turn about the room together, and she says there's nothing wrong with a bit of eccentricity, I'd make sure the door is not far away and she is not carrying anything like a large handbag with something clanking in it. "Perhaps you could even come for a visit and stay for a while." I find my social calendar is quite taken up with parties, Young Ladies Aid Society, etc.,so I shall have to content myself with this reply and my best wishes for your health and safety. Otherwise engaged, Miss Caroline Bingley

"Response 51 of 51: Arnessa M. Garrett (Arnessa) * Sun, Dec 29, 1996 (13:20) * 10 lines In fact, she says there's nothing wrong with a bit of eccentricity in the first place." Did you see the image I posted in "Best of Chat"? ...

Dear Mrs. Collins, I understand that you married for practical reasons, as well as (I am sure) having a compassionate regard for your spouse. Do you feel that more marriages should be performed so rationally? that one should know as little as possible of the defects of the other, in order for the marriage partnership to survive the frustrations and vexations in due course? In short, are you satisfied that your situation is all you had hoped it would be now? In my view, as an unmarried younger son of an earl, even a gentleman without fortune must be cautious in his choice of a wife. "Let us take the shorter way to happiness" is my motto, meaning being both cheerful and rational in my dealings and plans with others; Col. Impoverished Gentry

My Dear Miss Bingley: I do not know what to do. When I read this lovely column of yours, I see many references to various images -- but I cannot see any of the images. (A mysterious churchh man seems to be a frequent perpetrator!) Are all these writers seeing things, or am I going selectively blind, or is there a problem w/ my viewer? Can you or someone else knowledgeable kindly assist me? Puzzled in Cyberspace

Kathleen -- all the main machines at the University of Texas are down today (12/30), so you can't see any images located on those HTTP servers...

However, HC, I did see your proposed paean to lady eccentrics yesterday in best of chat. Very nice! I may have to join the ramble after a composer is found.

Myster. churchh man -- thank you so much for this piece of information. I shall just go back and check on the image in this topic. Ooh, too wicked by half! (I like it, I like it!)

Dear Col. Gentry, I appreciated your letter for a number of reasons. First, it showed you to be such a charmingly well-spoken man about the pragmatics of life and marriage. Second, you understood correctly that I married not only for practical reasons but also a compassionate regard for my spouse. Yes, I do feel that more marriages should be performed with reasonable expectations and a sense of working together, "in order for the marriage partnership to survive the frustrations and vexations [that naturally arise over th years] in due course." This concept has irked some romantic friends of mine when I have proposed it earnestly, true, but it has borne good fruit indeed in my own successful marriage with Mr. Collins. We interact amiably enough yet sense when each other needs time alone; we take care of each other's needs in a sensible manner. I can well comprehend that you, "as an unmarried younger son of an earl, a gentleman without fortune," must likewise be cautious in his choice of a wife. I admire your motto," 'Let us take the shorter way to happiness,'.. meaning being both cheerful and rational in my dealings and plans with others." You in fact remind me very much of a gentleman who visits the estate of his aunt near my home; he is uniformly courteous, cheery, and sensible of the fact that he requires a woman of fortune to make his happiness complete. I would like to advise you (and any other eligible young ladies and gentlemen) to try contacting Sir Lucas for an invitation to the next Meryton party so you can perhaps meet a suitable life partner there (just listen carefully to the older women gossiping there; they always seem to know who has a fortune, etc.). A prosperous new year to you, (Mrs.) Charlotte Collins

Dear Mr. Collins, Knowing of the absolute sway your words have over any audience, we invite you to leave your present position as minister for the more lucrative one of Chief Writer of our daily religious column, Speaking for the Lord. We are convinced there can be nothing that would tempt you to stay at remote little Hunsford. Do let us know at your earliest convenience your decision in this matter. Sincerely. Mr. Mephistopheles, recruiter for TATTLER

My Dear Mr. Mephistopheles, I am quite obliged to you for your very kind offer and I feel, keenly, the honour you have done me by making this request. I am by no means of the opinion , I assure you, that a column of this kind, given by a clergyman such as myself, to respectable people can have any evil tendency. However, I have discussed this kind invitation with my noble patroness, Lady Catherine de Bourgh and she is quite firm that my absence would be keenly felt by all the inhabitants of Rosings Park and its surrounding parish. And as Lady Catherine has always, with the greatest affability and condescension, given me the most excellent advice which I feel cannot be ignored, I must, with regret decline this estimable post. I beg to remain your constant reader and friend, William Collins

My Dear Mr. Mephistopheles, Please give me just a little more time on this one. When Mr. Collins reconsiders the healthfulness of the exercise of moving to a new location, the convenient distance to both Lady C.'s estate and Mr. Collins' future estate, I am sure he will reconsider your excellent offer. There is also my mental and emotional health to consider and the health of our little olive branch. Thank you for your patience, Mrs. Wm. Collins.

Dear Mrs. Collins, A friendly word of advice: pay no heed to Mephistopheles. He is an undercover agent for "the man downstairs" -if you take my meaning- who got me into a similar "great bargain" years ago, to my regret. His suave persuasion fools many, even those who pride themselves on practicality, so your husband is very astute (or fortunate) to avoid accepting his offer. Hoping to spare you, Dr. Faust

But you, Dr. Faust, of course, got out of the bargain!

My dear Mrs. Collins, Do not air our dirty linen in public, I beg you. What would Lady Catherine think if she were to learn that you have written to a gentleman unknown to yourself and that you had contradicted the man you have agreed to honour and obey? Please, Madame, control yourself. Remember your station is to continue to make me the happiest of men and Your ever affectionate husband, William Collins

Ann: depending on which version of Faust's legend you read- in Marlowe's version, a tragedy, Faust goes to hell as an example to the audience to never make such a bargain of soul for material gain/power/lover/$/knowledge, etc. But in Goethe's version, Faust is saved from hell on a technicality (use of the subjunctive verb in his comment overheard by the devil, etc.) and is carried by angels to heaven (Goethe, the Romantic).

Dearest Lizzy, What am I to do? I have made rather a mess of things here, I think. A man named Mr. Mephistopheles offered Mr. collins a position in London. By now, you can guess that Lady C has become a heavy burden, and I thought a deal with the devil himself could not be worse than the wages I am paying here for my security. I believed I could convince Mr. Collins to accept the post, and wrote to the gentleman to hold his offer open a little longer. Since then I have learned that Mr. Mephistopheles may very well the devil himself, so it appears that I have been endangering whatever is left of my soul after a year in the purgutory of Hunsford and Rosings Park. What is worse, Mr. C has learned of my attempt to influence this matter. I do not know how he learned of my letter to Mr. M, but he is taking the position that a lady is not to write letters of business to strangers. Mr. C does not comprehend the identity of Mr. M so he has no thought that I may have put both our mortal souls in danger. But he is afraid lest Lady C should learn that I have done such an unseemly thing as to write a letter of business. Meanwhile, my escape from Kent seems unlikely. You friend, Charlotte Collins

My dear Charlotte, I am sure you must be exaggerating the danger you are in! Whoever the man is who offered Mr. Collins a position, I doubt he is the devil himself, particularly in these enlightened times and merry olde England. Your concern is keenly expressed, however, so I shall attempt to moderate my response. It is enough that your husband does not wish to leave his parsonage and his patron, I suppose, for the matter to be decided. Even though I was raised by a freethinking father, I never learnt that anyone but the husband and father of a household had the final say in family matters of housing and employment. Besides, Charlotte you know very well that: (1) living at Hunsford is more healthful and charming than any of the crowded London homes you'd be likely to move to; (2) your husband can talk his way ou of any scene that may arise with Lady C.; (3) once your babies start arriving, you won't have to visit Rosings much anyhow! Stop worrying, Charlotte, or you'll sound like my dear mother. Use your talent for common sense and plan a soothing dinner for tonight. Maybe we could meet in London for some shopping and tea soon. Let me know, Lizzy

Dear Miss Bingley: I am at a loss, for someone is trying to defame our Mrs Elizabeth Bennet Darcy. Is it not to be borne that they would call her Two-faced. When all she was was happy and in love. Miss Bingley what to do, how to hurt the one who has defamed her without pain. I know that you are most apt in telling me how to do that. With much thanks, Laura (roar)

Dear Mrs Collins, I unfortunately overheard a conversion between a certain Lady Donna and another gentleman from far away _________chire while visiting the Water Room in Bath. Without going into details, he rudely implied a certain connaissance and very dear connaissance of ours succombed into marriage for pure pecuniary raisons and material greed. In fact, her true friends know of her deep and true love of this new lady of a very large estate in Derbyshire for her beloved husband. Unfortunately, this gentleman seems convinced of the contrary due to some comments she made several months ago while visiting her future husband's estate (little did she know then she would ever marry him). This fact became sort of public when a livery person of this estate overheard her. Furthermore, it is a well known fact she has in her side of the family some undesirable connexions (we both know this dreadfull affair regarding her younger sister and this pseudo-gentleman partly connected to the Pember ey estate) and it probably contributed to this mis-perception of the gentleman first mention above. Could you present me with the course to take and pray tell me what would be your reply to such comments. A dear pen-cousin and friend, Catherine Morland Known by her true friends

Dear Miss Bingley, There is this man he is definetly not a gentleman whom I have the utmost desire to kill. As the above mentioned he is trying to defame our beloved Mrs. Darcy, by telling us she is a gold digger which is certainly not true. He also thinks his way of thinking is the only way of thinking. He is such a pain. He set up a JE drooling topic, so I think he is just jealous of Mr. Darcy. What is your opinion on the subject? Yours truely, Cat

My Dear friend Catherine. As you may know Mrs.Elizabeth Darcy is one of my dearest friends. I am excessively diverted and find this inaccurate account of their courtship and love so ridiculous. She didn't know herself at the time how much she was attracted to him.She found his rude,conceited and proud manner deplorable. Elizabeth had every reason not to like him. She is such a outgoing person and by the way always wanted to marry for love.I could see that he was very much in love with her,but she could not see it or didn't wa t to beleive a man with such wealth and connections would want to marry her.When he did visit the parsonage on many occasions he had so little to say. It seemed to me that he wanted desperately to have an easy conversation with her,but could not find words.Elizabeth didn't understand his quite manner and his gazes. All I have to say is that they are the perfect couple and have great love and respect for each other.Beleive me I know from my own experience that felicity in marriage happens to so few. I don't want to keep your attention to much longer, but you know yourself that it doesn't matter what people say or think. "Do not consider giving any justification to such a ridiculous an inaccurate account". As for undesirable connections we all have a few of those. In conclusion all I have to say is that "READING" is also consider to be an accomplishment for a "respectable" young men. Your true friend Mrs. Charlotte Collins

Dear Cat, This is just between you and I, but I totally disapproved of their marriage.I would of had him before she came along with her earthy charms and witty remarks. I despise both of them for what they have done to me.What are my chances now of marry well. I still enjoy the company of Miss Georgiana Darcy, so please don't let my true feelings be known. I would be very unhappy with you if this were to be public knowledge. As for you not so gentlemanly friend let him think what he likes. It will never reach their ears. Gratefully yours Miss Caroline Bingley ps.This is how I thought Miss B. would reply.In her own best interest of course.

Dear Laura, I am indeed sorry that you have perturbed by a vulgar person's defamation of a lady we are acquainted with socially. It is infamous treatment and shows the meanest possible understanding of etiquette. However, it is probable the man (boy?) cannot help his own low standing in society or could never hope to marry a person of such attractions as she is said by many to possess, and so he vents his crabby feelings on a ladies' society, to their disgust. I was a bit put out at your own lapse of good manners when you claimed that I would know how to hurt someone without [physical?] pain. However, I suppose you are far gone in grief and shock, so I do not take it personally. Men are such selfish creatures they often judge women by their own bad standards; if you can remember that and that they hate losing the center of attention, you'll rise above his petty remarks and ignore him ( as I am sure Miss Eliza will if she ever hears of them, although Mr. Darcy ay call him out on a duel on point of honor). Nodding sagely, Miss Caroline Bingley

Dear Miss Jane Bennet, Please tell me how you manage shyness. I try to be at ease with my brother's friends and even practice daily on the pianoforte so their requests for my playing can be met with some skill. But I am still nearly choked with diffidence when I must speak or sing. These persons like me, yet I am not at ease near them. You seem such an amiable lady I knew I could trust you to help kindly. So grateful, Georgiana D.

Dearest Georgiana, I am so pleased to hear from you. Elizabeth has told me many wonderful things about you, and her praise is not given carelessly. I hope the day will come when you consider me your sister as well as Elizabeth. It is not easiest thing in the world to feel comfortable around your brother's friends. Even Elizabeth finds it difficult to feel comfortable around your brother's friends. When I am visiting at Netherfield (soon to be my home), I focus my attention on Mr. Bingley, who is very amiable. He always goes out of his way to help people feel comfortable. He is very fond of you, and I know that he tries, when he is in your company to pay to you those attentions that might make up for his sisters' behavior which can be sweet, attentive, and unnervingly condescending. Your brother, is of course, all manners and attention, although I still find myself unable to understand him half the time. Mr. Hurst is no problem. If you only make sure to feed him and supply him well with good brandy, he will give you no trouble at all As for Mr. Bingley's sisters - well I must confess - (and you must not reveal this to anyone, my dear) - I imagine them naked except one peacock feather from their hats bouncing over their faces.

My Dear Miss Bennet: What a shocking, abominable image -- and so very amusing! Quite a spur to one's imagination, the idea of peacock feathers. I must say that I do believe you are quite as impertinent in thought as your sister Miss Elizabeth Bennet. Yours, etc. Overcome w/ Laughter in London.

I wish I had kept a copy of my Postmodern Reconstructionist Diatribe for situations such as this...;{

I have it Kali. Henry does too, I think.

Dear Miss Elizabeth Bennet, What do you think are the traits of an intelligent young lady? How can she improve herself even more? A friend of mine has hinted that gentlemen are not admiring of such ladies, preferring the pretty but dimwitted (and thus noncompetitive in spirit). Do you find this assertion to be true, and if so, what are intelligent ladies to do? None too hopeful, Miss Conception

Y'kow, guys, this stuff is good enough to print........

Dear Miss Bingley, I am a young woman of good fortune whose family has placed her in the enviable position of moving in the first rank of her society. Since the marriage of both my beloved sister and my dear friend and governess, I am the mistress of my father�s house and never , never could I expect to be so truly beloved and important; so always first and always right in any man�s eyes as I am in my father�s. Recently, a new acquaintance, a young woman of uncertain birth, has expressed surprise that I am not married or going to be married despite what she has been so kind as to call my charms. Of course, I did tell her that I have none of the usual inducements of women to marry. I have never been in love; it is not my way, or my nature; and I do not think I ever shall. And , without love, I am sure I should be a fool to change such a situation as mine. However, I have recently been thinking about the image she described of a silly, satisfied, prosing old maid, undistinguished and unfastidious. While I am aware that a single woman, of good fortune, is always respectable and may be as sensible and pleasant as anybody else, I am beginning to question whether a firm determination never to marry may be in my best interest. Although mine is an active, busy mind, with a great many independent resources, I am no longer sure that I should be not be more in w nt of employment at forty or fifty than one-and twenty. Please advise me, Miss Bingley. Should I absolutely decide against marriage now or may I regret this decision when I am older and, perhaps, in greater need of society? I beg to remain your most grateful friend and beneficiary, Hopeful in Highbury

http://uts.cc.utexas.edu/~churchh/emmaoldm.html

Notice: Pray forgive the absence of columnists here recently, but our gazette office suffered dreadfully in the latest snowfall and the publisher assures us the office can be reopened tomorrow. Until such time when I and others can respond to your letters, I remain, Warmer at Home, (Miss) Caroline Bingley

Dear Miss Conception (surely not!): Your letter waited in this empty office for a time, but I shall assume you to be still wishing a reply. It has been my observation that some gentlemen are very admiring of intelligent young ladies, others not; there is generally a connexion between similar types (of mind or other qualities) for the admiration to begin at all. A handsome but shallow man, for example, is more than likely to approve a pretty but dimwitted woman, aalthough there have been cases of opposites peculiarly attrac ed to each other. A certain friend of mine married a man of silly pomposity, though she until then had been a person of good sense; to visit them now is quite informative of the necessity for separate rooms and hobbies, though they seem to get on tolerably well. As to how an intelligent young lady can improve herself even more, other than the general rule of practising daily her talents, domestic, and social skills, and reading continually so as not to lose contact with greater minds than her own, I believe she should cease to fret about her future. Nothing will so swiftly kill a lady's looks nor a gentleman's affections than constant, nonproductive worry and marital hints of a grasping nature. I find an ironical view to be much the best, providing ho rs of entertainment and a sort of cheerful detachment from problems; (one still faces the problems but refuses to be overcome by them). Marriage, if it comes, will require such philosophy, and if it does not, you will have your freedom and and the same philosophy will stand you in good stead. As a preacher once wrote, "Be still, and let God work. All will be for the best." (Miss) Elizabeth Bennet

Dear Hopeful in Highbury: You wrote, "Please advise me... Should I absolutely decide against marriage now or may I regret this decision when I am older and, perhaps, in greater need of society?" From earlier parts of your letter you sound as if you used to be very content with your home, money, and lot in life- until that less wellbred young woman's remarks about marriage and old maids quite ruined your calm. How I abhor such impertinent, unfeeling girls! It is almost as bad as seeing the wealthy man I pursued being charmed by a vixen with relations in Cheapside!! But I digress. You should never decide absolutely against marriage, certainly not in your 20's or 30's, since there are many fine gentlemen who marry later in life, for the first time or following the loss of a wife. Your feelings about your life also may change upon the loss of your dear father one day, as well as your wish to have companionship in old age. I would suggest doing what many hopefuls do: keep an open mind and a sharp lookout for possibilities; cultivate closeness with relations and friends so as to ave places and persons to visit now and later; and consider getting a pet or work (volunteer or paid). And you never know: one day a man you have known for a long time might suddenly confess his love for you, (which you were too blind to see due to that my-life-is-good-enough-as-it-is attitude you clung to so tenaciously). If that does happen, invite me to your wedding! Still looking myself, (Miss) Caroline Bingley

Dear Mr. Hurst, I have always been taught to respect my elders, but I must ask: why is it that every time I see you, you are sitting down, or snoring on the couch, or drinking wine or eating? Aren't you worried about your health? Worried for you, Annemarie

Dear Miss Conception, One author has expressed herself on this topic as follows: ``She was heartily ashamed of her ignorance. A misplaced shame. Where people wish to attach, they should always be ignorant. To come with a well-informed mind is to come with an inability of administering to the vanity of others, which a sensible person would always wish to avoid. A woman especially, if she have the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can. The advantages of natural folly in a beautiful girl have been already set forth by the capital pen of a sister author; and to her treatment of the subject I will only add, in justice to men, that though to the larger and more trifling part of the sex, imbecility in females is a great enhancement of their personal charms, there is a portion of them too reasonable and too well informed themselves to desire anything more in woman than ignorance. But Catherine did not know her own advantages--did not know that a good-looking girl, with an affectionate heart and a very ignorant mind, cannot fail of attracting a clever young man, unless circumstances are particularly untoward.''

Miss Annemarie, You wrote "I have always been taught to respect my elders, but I must ask: why is it that every time I see you, you are sitting down, or snoring on the couch, or drinking wine or eating? Aren't you worried about your health? Worried for you...." You are, I take it, a young person still at home with parents. Are you telling me that you people don't also eat, drink, sit, and snore? We can't always be playing leap frog, standing, or fasting, you know! It is probable you meant kindly when you said you were worried for my health, child, but honestly adults pretty much do what they darn well please--- at least, if they're rich, bored, and old enough like me! And you've only seen glimpses of me when visiting my brother-in-law; when at home, I actually work hard around the office and go for rides and shoots for at least an hour every day. Don't worry about me, Mr. "Hardheaded" Hurst

I have decided to take a trip to Lambton to visit my earlier correspondent "Looney in Lambton." While gone, I have been asked to have guest columnists Mr. and Mrs. Bennet cover here for me. (What are my gazette publishers thinking?!)

Dear Mr. Bennet, I have a bit of a problem- I have been trying to catch the attentions of a certain young man, who for the past three years has been flitring with me. However, whenever I flirt back, he begins to become obnoxious and, I am afraid to say this, begins to act like our Mr. Darcy. What shall I do about this? With great thanks, Laura

Dear Mr. Bennet, I have a bit of a problem- I have been trying to catch the attentions of a certain young man, who for the past three years has been flitring with me. However, whenever I flirt back, he begins to become obnoxious and, I am afraid to say this, begins to act like our Mr. Darcy. What shall I do about this? With great thanks, Laura

My dear young lady, Flirting? What are you thinking of, child? A young lady does not flirt. Unless she is one of my foolish younger daughters and then the results are very bad. You could scarcely escape discredit. You must stop this behavior at once. As for the young man, I believe my Lizzy would probably confront his with his actions, preferably in front of one of his friends. "Shall we ask him the reason for this?" she would say as she explained to the friend that he was always very attentive and agreeable to her except when she was making an effort to be attentive and agreeable in return and then he became very unpleasant indeed. "Is this how he behaves with other girls?" she would ask the friend.

If you aksed Jane Austen she would say that you are wrong. Nothing better nor more fun then flirting in her mind. She loved to flirt.

Dear Mrs. Bennet, How is a mother to marry off a daughter who is less than perfect in looks and wit and whose financial status is limited though of genteel family? We live in Edinburgh but try to keep up with London news, etcetera. What do you recommend? High in the heather, Mrs. Dunkirk

Mrs. Dunkirk: Speaking for Mrs. Bennet, ma'am, I should like to point out that her own offspring caused every bit as much trouble as yours might be you. Looks don't always make for ease of temperament, I can tell you! Why, as servant to the Bennet family, I've seen sparks fly and tempers flame enough to set the Thames afire again! If your girl be plain, well thank god for it. She be less likely to cause heartache to the plain sort of fellow she might marry, who neither is rich but just good solid stock. Take her to kirk of a Sunday to meet proper christian gentlemen; that's the sort of man to marry, not some snooty or flighty peacock or gambler, like our Lydia got fixed with. And leave the poor girl alone. If she not be one to marry, help her have a useful sort of life instead of harping on her. That way you'll still have a daughter that loves you, no matter what the later years bring. Just a working woman's common sense (since Mrs. Bennet be took ill again), Hill

Dear Mr. Darcy- I hear you broke off your engagement with that little nothing from near Meryton when you found out she liked a certain steward's son. Well, don't let it worry you, dearie, because I have exactly the woman for you. She lives near New York but what's fifty days of good sailing? Just let me know when you can take a little break from all the headaches of English weather and stiff upper lips, and I'll have her ready to meet you for a champagne dinner at this terrific restaurant, where you'll have a private oom of your own to meet her; (I know all the staff there and they always sing Hello, Dolly whenever I grace their establishment). What's a matchmaker for but to make rich and charming people meet and marry? Drop me a line, honey, anytime soon. Dolly

Hello, Dolly Please forgive my delay in responding to your letter but I just returned from my honeymoon. It is apparent that you have been mislead by gossip undoubtedly started by those who did not look upon the match with a friendly eye. I thank you for your efforts on my behalf, but I am not in need of your services. Yours, Fitzwilliam Darcy

Dear Mr. Collins, I am not a clergyman, but I am employed as a church music leader. From time to time I come upon circumstances in which I can see that it would be advantageous to be able to flatter with delicacy. However I am, sadly, not adept at the art. I have heard from reliable sources that you posess this talent and I pray that you can be prevailed upon to impart some of your techniques to a willing acolyte. Thank you for your condescension. Bewildered in Boulder City

Too cool, Cheryl -- that line where Mr. Bennet asks if Mr. Collins's comments are spontaneous or the result of previous study (whatever it is) is one of my favorites.

My dear Bewildered, As a clergyman, I shall condescend to say that your willingness to improve yourself does you credit. You must understand not everyone is as fortunate to be blessed with the talent to impart those delicate compliments which are always useful, as I flatter myself, I have been. If you can be ever diligent in your practising at every opportunity, as the noble Lady Catherine de Bourgh has often said, for without practice you can never expect to be considered a true proficient. You must always be alert to ev ry opportunity to dvise such complements, forever available to please the ladies, for they do so like to hear blah, blah, blah sotty guys, I'm new at this - I did try so very hard

And you did great, Cindy -- thanks!

Are you calling us sots, Cindy!! ;-)

as you say I was hoping people might think it was kind of a rolled r thing instead of stupid fingers

I never did do that well at Ms. Whatsername's typing tutor. (and when you're busy taking calculus, there's no time for the blow-off high school typing class)

Miss Bingley: I never understood why you Englishers make such a big deal about talkin' right and actin' so showoffy 'n stuff. Why bother? I mean, like, Caroline yer hair is always so perfickly curled, you walk so stiff and smile like a cat near a mousehole. Me, I jus' like to laze aroun', soak up some sun, wear any ole clothes, and let my place go to h--l BUT hey! I'm happy bein' lazy and so's my guy. Try 'n tell me why YOUR way is better, ma'am... Jus' shooin' flies away from my beer, Miz Lackadaisical