My problem is this: FIGHT FOOD!

Oh he��, I'll just start by hurling a stuffed chicken at my sister! *WHACK!*

HMMMM! Delicious. Now, eat THIS! *spitting watermelon pips in your ugly face!*

licking them off, but somehow forgetting to take the cake off the chair she then sits down on

Here's scrapple in your eye.

Yaiks! Eat bobotie, vegitarian!

And what are you going to do about the cake I just sat on, Jim? Take into consideration the unpeeled prickly pears I'm holding under my unshaved armpit!

Okay, what's bobotie? That's not some Namibian instant pizza crust, is it?

No no, it's the perspiration from the sweat glands on the boobs of a baboon. Quite tasty, I might add. And believe me, I certainly did notice those prickly pears, but you don't mind, do you?, if I just stick a plate of raspberry jam on the end of your salute there, Riette, in your hand? Ok, here ya go...

LOL LOL LOL!!!! *crawling with laughter!* Autumn, 'bobotie' is curried mince and raisins Boer dish.

LOL! What a visual! Come here Jim - your hair needs combing. Just move over here to my jammy salute, and I'll fix it for you....

Are you in your jammies, too, your pajamas? Is this like a slumber party? Oh, uh, Sonja, would you by any chance like a nice shampoo? Really? Over here, yeah, just lean your head back into this sink....I'll get the water going nice and warm, work it through your hair. And let's just work this shampoo in.....like this.....yeah. And would you like this jam shampoo mixed with a little peanut butter? No problem. Look, we're redheads now. Well, I guess you're kinda brownish red.....but still....I wouldn't change it for anything, if I were you. Halloween's just a few days away, so......y'know, try to keep it fresh. Don't let anyone munch on you. Unless....unless....unless....you really want them to.

I'll just munch on myself - I love love love peanut butter. *sucking my hair* Now, let's replace your eyeballs with baby tomatoes. How cute you look! Now all we need is two raisins to stick up your nostril, an apple in your mouth, and there we go - you're ready to be served!

Can I have my darn eyeballs back? Thanks, those tomatoes were stinging my retinas pretty bad. Been months since I've had an apple. Here, now, I'll just put a finger to this open nostril, blow real hard out the other, and voila---pop goes the raisin right onto Riette's adam's apple (which I've never tasted). Sonja? More peanut butter?.......for the face this time? Okie-dokie. All on and all done. Yes! Physically, you look very attractive right now.

�chewing my adam's apple like bubble gum� Shall I blow you a bubble, Jim? Come closer.....closer....closer WOW, you look fabulous covered in green slime! Oh baby!

Hey, let's all take a shower and get all this off. Omigosh, I had no idea you'd take so quick to the idea, Sonja. Oh yeah....I do like it warm, not hot. Nice that there's this much room in here. Now, uh, how 'bout if I take the nozzle. There, looks like you're all wet and the peanut butter is rinsed off. And Riette, you're all, and the slime job is gone from your face. So let's see, how 'bout if we just add a little (a lot) chocolate mousse on your scalps---y'know, since your hair's already wet, this is so easy to do. Lordy, with these 2 shampoos you've had now, Sonja, your hair's gonna look incredible. Riette, you say you want your hair to look green for a few days? Ok, come a little closer (a little closer) and I'll blow out that nostril. There's still plenty left where the first blast came from. All outa raisins though, sorry.

Top Vegetables Purchased in Supermarkets 1. Potato 2. Iceberg lettuce 3. Tomato 4. Onion 5. Carrot 6. Celery 7. Corn 8. Broccoli 9. Green cabbage 10. Cucumber 11. Bell pepper 12. Cauliflower 13. Leafy greens 14. Sweet potato 15. Mushroom 16. Summer squash 17. Green onion 18. Green bean 19. Radish 20. Asparagus

tomatos splash the best and here's one that'll hold together all the way across the big pond ok, here goes, Riette (don't look now, but....uh-oh.....eugh, wadda shot.... right in the kisseroo)

hmmm-hmmmm.....HMMMM! Haven't had tomatoes for a while - I can make a soup tonight! Now, let's see if I've got the ingredients right: cucumber, chopped up, and stuffed into your ears, chopped onion stuffed into your navel, chopped parsley - let's just stick it between your teeth so I can pluck it afterwards, the NATURAL way!; garlic....where can I find another hole....oh, you'll keep it on your tongue for me, will you? That's so kind - I'll just lick it off before eating the soup, then I don't even ave to add it.... Some tomatoe juice down your throat - and remember, when I squeeze your tummy, you have to spurt! And finally the tomatoes scraped off my kisseroo..... Looks good? Hungry? And how have you been lately? You've been sort of quiet in these conferences - perhaps that's because you've been reading alot?

I been reading minds and laying low waitin' for just the right tomato I tend to get on people's nerves when I look at things seriously and it only serves to ostracize me so then I moan and groan in my time alone and I usually become of assistance during the making of soup until I can find the right ingredients to throw for a loop they must be squishy splashy and gush upon contact---what a rush! was this soup not supposed to drip down the back of your head real slow? ok, well, let's see where I can put what's left of it....where should it go?

I don't know...radical idea...eat it..maybe?

radical alright. Eating ammunition is not standard procedure in a food fight.

Always try the unexpected in any form of combat. It's a good way to win.

*smile* good point!

You'd be amazed at how well it works in the real thing. I was an aggressor in the army. (My unit pretended we were Russians, and attacked other American units.) This is war GAMES we are talking about, blanks, simulators, etc.

Well, this is neither blank, nor simulated - take that!! ha-ha, You look so funny with smarties in your eye sockets! Jim, for some reason I woke up thinking it was your birthday yesterday! Was it? I wanted to send you a card via e-mail, but thought, no, if I were wrong, you'd think me crazy.

What is a smartie?

it would've been funny I don't like getting cards unless they're written and made by the person sending them then they're great but getting a card on a day that's way off makes it feel even better it's crazier and gets me out of what I'm in ---what've you been into, Riette? getting clean taking any meteor showers? No? Here, then, let's wash your face and body in these wide slices of watermelon.....there, that's much better.....this is probably the cleanest I've seen you in 15 years!

Ree-head, are you going to be able to see the meteor shower?

C'mon, Tim, Smarties are those little rolls of sweet-tart candies that the kids never want from their Halloween buckets. Were there no Smarties in Wisconsin??

Yes we had them I just used to call them sweetarts, which was the brand name version.

Well, Jim, then it's good that I remembered your unbirthday, but I'm sorry I didn't send you a proper card - the thought just hit me so suddenly, there wasn't really time to make a proper card. But if you tell me your birthday, I'll make you a proper unbirthday card to make up for being so bad. I've been mostly into the mirror - cannot believe how good I look covered in your pink cleansing potions! Almost good enough to eat! Have you ever been covered in !Nara melon? It is a wild melon that grows in the Namib dessert, and which the Khoi people make wonderful soups with. They even have a song to praise it around the fire, which I shall sing to you as I cover every inch of you: You round food With many thorns You many-breasted Foster mother of our children Even if I am far away I will think of you You food of my ancestors I will never forget you

I have many San friends who live in the Kalahari desert but only a few, not too many, asked me to give you a potato print of their song "Earth Pang" so if I could take off your shirt (like this) and if you could lie face down (like that) I will print it out for you in cherry juice with these potato letter slices on your back----perfect, mmm, skin so soft---now lie still, won't you? (are you done playing with yer back muscles?) I'll say the words to you in your voice: sudden encounter, strange happenings somewhere between yes and no climbing the hour of honest questionings somewhere between stop and go the forest meets the sand in the palm of your hand a candle stays lit in the eye of the wind where dreams see you asleep and want to crawl in [my birthday was November 16.... no, just kidding, I just wanted to say that.... I was born on one of those days in 1950.... but I don't know which one..... cuz at the time, I was way too young to know what was goin' on.....at all]

You were born in a round year, middle of the century! How cool! Cannot believe you don't remember it - I would love to know how you experienced your day of birth, I must say! However, for your happy unbirthday, I have in the meantime baked you a mango soup in a baseball cap. And I am thoroughly honoured to hereby crown you as 'mango drenched, unbirthday king'!

i do like roundness. i can't believe it either, that i don't remember. i experienced my day of birth with mom. we worked hard together on it. i've never since worked with her that hard. she was only 33 and i was 0. it didn't matter. age difference was not a factor. it actually worked in our favor. i was 9 pounds and 2 ounces and she was not. comin' out the chute felt so organic. i had alotta push behind me, it was just so different from Schlitterbaun. i heard i was the first ever baby to come out laughing with joy. one of the nurses fainted because of that. well, that's about all i know about it. yer birthing pretty much the same? oh, um, here's a little mango soup spray for yer neck and shoulders. Isa, would you like a capful, too? sure, ya just put it on and wear it all day long for yer mommy

Happy (un)Birthday, Jim!!

There you go! All I can remember about my birthday, is Sonja punching me in the face. She came out first, and I was bridge. Mum says I came out with one black eye (really!), so we always tease Sonja about punching me in the eye to get there first!

What a memory, I Now know for sure that you don't carry a grudge.

Hey, there's Autumn. And just covered in dim sum and frappe and guacamole and a banana split. Oh yeah, wouldn't ya know it: that's Tim again walking furtively and very quickly away. I've never seen one person unload so much on another person. Then again, I've never seen Autumn look so becoming now, either.

...know when to walk away, know when to run... From, "the Gambler", by Kenny Rogers

A country music fan!

I am a MUSIC fan!!! I like all music: rock, R+B, country, jazz, rap, reggae, classical, opera, oriental, et al...

I am a particular fan of the pulse of the music, It's beat.

I like more or less everything too, but not rap; gives me a headache.

I'll remember that. so that I don't play any rap when you are around. Actually not many white people like rap, in spite of the fact that one of the top rap artists is white.

Vanilla Ice? And don't be silly! Listen to any music you like when I'm there - it doesn't REALLY give me a headache; I just said it like that. Besides, you might know some nice rap music, and if I just refused to listen to it, I'd miss out! I'll bring some European techno music, and we can see who ends up with the biggest headache at the end of it! Which we can then soothe in a pub ....

Riette, that sounds absolutely fabulous!! Besides, we'll have to go to sixth street. The party capitol of The southwest!!! It will definitely give you a new perspective on pub crawling.

Oh by the way, you were right, It is vanilla ice. Have you heard his latest album? he sounds totally different.

Pub crawling?? You mean we'll be crawling out?? ha-ha! No, I've not heard Vanilla Ice's latest album - but I remember that one song, 'Ice Ice Baby!'; it was the only rap song I ever really liked. That's why I remembered his name. So I'm looking forward to hearing it.

Ice Ice Baby. Was his old style. His only hit in that style. His new stuff has more melody to it.

Yeah? I might like it then. I just don't like it when they do that monotonous talking thing to atonal music. That pi$$es me off.

The music part of rap has dramatically improved. I'm pretty sure that you'll like it.

Great! So we reserve one night for exchanging music then as well? I'll bring my favourite cd's along. I love listening to music and talking and just relaxing where it's warm and cosy.

That's definitely a deal Riette. I'm Looking forward to it.

Good! Me too! And to beating your backside in poker!

In a manner of speaking, of course....

Uh HUH! I know what you mean, Riette. And pigs might fly one day........

Just you wait! I'm a fast learner!

OK Riette, but I can be a very slow teacher, when it suits me. Some things I like to take slow.

Some things have to be learned slowly in order to be well remembered.

Oh yes Riette, true , true.

Sweetly so.

Slowly, Riette, Gradually over a long time period.

So as to be sure of thoroughness and well-being.

Indeed, Riette, Also feeling good.

Good? Good??? GREAT!

Riette, you are starting to sound like tony the tiger.

The wonderful thing about tiggers is tiggers are wonderful things their tops are made out of rubber their bottoms are made out of springs They're bouncy pouncy bouncy pouncy fun fun fun fun fun The wonderful thing about tiggers is that I'm the only one. I--I-I-I'm the only ONE!

Tigger always was one of my favorite characters, Riette,. Another is Taz.

Well, his speeches I have to do from the other end, Tim, and I'm not sure you're comfortable with that!

The other end of what, Riette?

Okay, in English: my BUTT, Tim! You know how Taz does that farting thing the whole time.

Actually, Riette, I've never seen that.

He DOES! But he does it with his tongue; my mother told me a girl is only allowed to make rude noises with those parts of her that are MEANT to make rude noises.

Oh dear, Riette, How do you fake a duck call?

I just fart it!

Allright, Riette, this I gotta see!!!

Tim, with my kind of diet I could probably fart the Namibian anthem in harmonies!

Riette, THAT I've DEFINITELY got to see!!!

ha-ha! Got a gas mask?

Riette, I said see,

so, the food fight ended with everyone happily farting duck calls...*sigh...

and just what is THAT supposed to mean, missy?!?

�QUAAAK QUAAAK - KWAAK� It means we're cool and edgy.