The Alternative War Works fromJAWW Public Relations Dept. 10/1/2001 A "different" kind of war machine. "This will be a different type of war I a different type of enemy than we're used to." Q Pres. George W. Bush "We have to understand it's going to be a different kind of war." Q Sen. Joe Lieberman For the past three years, the popular culture of the United States has been lavishing more than due praise upon "The Greatest Generation," those brave and duty-bound men and women who so valiantly defeated the forces of European and Asian fascism during the Second World War. In light of recent attacks on the U.S., however, a vital question is being asked: Can our current generation heed the call to duty as did their forefathers? It's fair, and plainly obvious, to say, that our present crop of potential warriors have not been honed into combat-ready vessels by such prior toughening experiences as great depressions, tumultuous immigrations, or previous world wars, and that if one were to nickname our current lot, "the greatest" would not seem so appropriate an appellation as, perhaps, "the snarkiest," or "the most ironic," or even "the most preoccupied with idiotic ephemera." But do not think that this will hamper our current war effort. Make no mistake, our collective fascination with superfluous whimsy can and will defeat our new foe. Recognizing our special area of expertise Q as exemplified on a micro level by the glut of self-aggrandizing, neo-hip, nonfunctional content-driven web sites and on a macro level by the media-ready spectacle of confounding, non- utilitarian deconstructionist festivals like The Burning Man Q and acknowledging its uneasy fit into conventional methods of military strategy, we are proud to unveil a new, revolutionary, deconstructionist wing of the United States Armed Forces: The Alternative War Works (AWW). Specializing in the newly developed arena of Non-lethal Obfuscation Technologies (NOT), AWW aims to harness the creative fluidity and subversive methodologies of Generations X, Y, Z to provide preemptory psychological assaults upon targets of further military action. The strategy of AWW is to discern and delineate the complex delusions, cultural presuppositions, and rampant superstitions preoccupying our non- media savvy Third-World foes. Due to their dictatorship-imposed lack of exposure to Western culture and humor, enemies in poor and uneducated countries are easily confused and/or swayed by unusual phenomenon. One only needs look at the 1993 hysteria in Chongqing, China, where citizens were somehow convinced that an American robot was stalking the countryside and eating their children (this true mass frenzy is documented in the book China Wakes : The Struggle for the Soul of a Rising Power, 1995, Vintage Books, by New York Times correspondents Nicholas D. Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn) to understand that the lack of cynicism in oppressed cultures may be our strongest weapon against them. It is important that the American public understand AWW's methods, as they are not intended to mock or dilute the more serious efforts of our armed forces, but rather to create a theater of battle in which our soldiers can more effectively destroy a disoriented and humiliated enemy. We at AWW (a.k.a. "The Laffwaffe") wish to impress upon our nation's patriotic warmongers that comedy, too, can be deadly, especially when least expected. Therefore, AWW is planning to execute several classified operations (listed below) meant to confuse and frighten the enemy, perhaps inciting massive desertion and/or demoralization, just prior to our other divisions of armed forces unleashing great and devastating harm upon them. The two key themes of AWW's operations are misdirection and propaganda. Misdirection * Operation Fake Robots: Utilizing the virtuoso engineering skills of participants in current television shows Battlebots, Robot Wars and Junkyard Wars, and the pioneering efforts of the Survival Research Laboratory, AWW plans to unleash hundreds of oversized, mostly harmless mechanized robots into enemy camps, with the intent to spook the most fearful of their soldiers and to confuse others who will probably expect these docile inventions to attack them. The lasting effect of deploying this classic comedic technique of cheated expectations in a wartime scenario, is to, after the confusion wears off, lull our enemies into a false sense of our military's technological failure, shortly after which they will be executed with surgical and excruciating precision. * Operation Pudding Missile: Similar to OFR, OPM will frighten, misdirect, and stupefy our opponents. OPM involves the targeting of several hundred ersatz missiles at strategic military sites. Although the missiles will appear realistic harbingers of certain death, they will in fact be vessels of delicious chocolate pudding encased in a hard, missile-shaped candy shell. Much like the Harlem Globetrotters' time-tested switcheroo between the buckets of water and confetti, OPM will intimidate our foes into expecting the worst while generously sharing with them the western delight of chocolatey goodness. As is obvious, OPM also achieves a humanitarian aid in providing food to starving peoples, albeit a tactically nutrient-low treat. * Operation Tiny Paratroopers: The release of thousands of tiny plastic toy paratroopers over enemy bunkers will needlessly provoke opposition forces into an emergency defensive formation. Repeated false alarms of this type will both tire and frustrate them. * Operation Mammoth Clown Head: We at AWW can conjure no scarier image than the specter of a 100-yard-wide clown head descending upon us from the depths of outer space. Propaganda * Operation Big Mylar Balloon: In an age during which advertising companies have contemplated projecting advertisements on the lunar surface, we see the sky (often thought of by religious extremists as "heaven") as a preeminent theater from which to disseminate subversive messages. AWW, with the cooperation of our entertainment industry's most loyal propmasters and visual-effects artists, has prepared several mile-wide stretches of luminous Mylar fabric featuring "messages from Allah." These messages will stir bewildered emotions in their audience, as slight misspellings in common Koranic phrases will affect severe changes in interpretation. For example: "Make ye no excuses: ye have rejected Faith after ye had accepted it. If We pardon some of you, We will punish others amongst you, for that they are in sin."(9:66) will be subtly changed to: "Make ye no excuses: ye have rejected Oatmeal after ye had accepted it. If We tickle some of you, We will massage others amongst you, for that they are in soft pants."(9:66) If, indeed, our objects of attack fuel their fight with religious fervor, any success at mitigating their holy purpose will significantly aid our war effort. (AWW is currently in negotiations with The Gideons for the purpose of dispatching a Holy Ops squadron to continue this mission from the ground). * Operation Latent Consumerism: Staffed by media-saturated savants with little real-world experience beyond what we see in films (in this case that scene in Oliver Stone's Heaven and Earth (1993) in which Vietnamese import Le Ly makes her first awestruck tour of an American supermarket), AWW believes that the most intoxicating incentive for oppressed peoples to shake off their shackles is the abundance of nonessential consumer goods available in the free-market West. We will then litter our nemeses' homeland with colorful ad inserts from our nation's many Sunday newspapers, luring them to freedom via Best Buy and Walmart. * Operation Your Leader is a Sex Toy: The only thing more tightly wound than our enemy's turban is his repressed libido. The attack mode of this operation is, in appropriately phallic terminology, two-pronged. The first stage of OYLIAST is to litter the enemy's military centers with loose pages torn from disreputable nudie magazines, such as Swank, Busty, and Barely Legal. After giving these provocative pinups a few days' time to implant and ferment themselves in the Holy Warriors' ripe imaginations, we will then supply them with an airdrop of inflatable sex dolls affixed with heads bearing the likeness of their military and religious leaders. This may have little effect on any stage of actual combat, but it could be fun to watch. AWW is proud to assist in the United States' new war on terrorism. Although our actual activity therein is of the utmost national security, we are currently taking pre-orders for our retrospective video: The War on Terrorism's Funniest Jokes and Blunders, due out soon. All proceeds will be donated to the Red Cross. To contribute ideas to the AWW war effort, please respond to this article by clicking the button below.

by Salman Rushdie "Suicidist assassins ram wide-bodied aircraft into the World Trade Center and Pentagon and kill thousands of people: um, I'm against that. But what are we for? What will we risk our lives to defend? Can we unanimously concur that all the items in the above list -- yes, even the short skirts and dancing -- are worth dying for? The fundamentalist believes that we believe in nothing. In his world-view, he has his absolute certainties, while we are sunk in sybaritic indulgences. To prove him wrong, we must first know that he is wrong. We must agree on what matters: kissing in public places, bacon sandwiches, disagreement, cutting-edge fashion, literature, generosity, water, a more equitable distribution of the world's resources, movies, music, freedom of thought, beauty, love. These will be our weapons. Not by making war but by the unafraid way we choose to live shall we defeat them. How to defeat terrorism? Don't be terrorized. Don't let fear rule your life. Even if you are scared.

If we give in to fear, they have won! I refuse to give up that easily. I refuse even more emphatically to allow them to make me a vicitm!

These folks are definitely coping with their party near Ground Zero. http://www.outrageousmedia.com/barlowfest54/ It's John Perry Barlow's blowout party. Slides too.

10.13 Just took a long walk, first since New York where, were I resident, I'd stay spry relentlessly stalking its streets in search of minor epiphany. Elsewhere I tend to sit, stand, pace or recline. Stiffen and spread. Still sorely missing Ground Zero's environs during this supreme cultural transition; feeling like a bracero in a sombrero snoozing under a cactus arm while the sun settles in the west. Imagine Giuliani rudely refusing ten million from an Arab for aid because of a political technicality. Must be hard enough to figure out what to do with the money already donated. Can't just put up a corncrib full of $5 bills and let the needy, ten at a time in an orderly line, fill an "I Love NY" shopping bag with as much as they can snatch in eleven seconds. Problem is somebody who didn't deserve it might slip in for an unjustified share. Or someone'd be sure to get back in line and go again. Spoil it for everybody. Otherwise they'd probably do it, right? And rather than collecting all those $1 bills someone suggested be mailed by kids to the whitehouse to help the Afghan kids, rather than collecting, tallying, and banking all those wrinkled greenbacks, why don't they just load the letters unopened on a troop transport and drop 'em on Afghanistan? Probably because someone who shouldn't would grab a share. Those ones ruin it for everybody. Can't really do anything in a simple open-handed manner because of them. It's their fault nobody gets to eat. And the giving heart of America gets frustrated because we do need to give: deep inside we know we've taken too much and want to balance it a bit. If I thought some refugee, whether in NY or points far east, would really get a full buck's worth of bang for each dollar I donated I'd empty my wallet right now. Swear to God! Hope my fellow citizens don't develop some kind of "angry wallet" syndrome over this. Confuse it with Anthrax. from Robert Hunter's online journal. http://www.dead.net/RobertHunterArchive/files/newjournal/50journal_9.10.01.html

BINROUNDAWHILE'S GUIDELINES FOR ENLIGHTENMENT IN THE NEW MILLENIUM by SWAMI Beyondananda- 1. Be a Fundamentalist--make sure the Fun always comes before the mental. Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be cancelled. A laugh track has been provided, and the reason why we are put in the material world is to get more material. Have a good laugh-sitive twice a day, and that will ensure regular-hilarity. 2. Remember that each of us has been given a special gift, just for entering -- so you are already a winner. 3. The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision. That is where I tell a vision to you and you tell a vision to me. That way, if we don't like the programming we're getting, we can simply change the channel. 4. Life is like photography. You use the negative to develop. And, no matter what adversity you face, be reassured: Of course God loves you. 5. It is true. As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought particles tend to get caught between the ears, causing a condition called truth decay. So be sure to use mental floss twice a day. And when you're tempted to practice tantrum yoga, remember what we teach in Swami's Absurdiveness Training class: "Don't get even, get odd." 6. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you, you no mad at me. That way, there'll surely be no madness on the planet. And peace begins with each of us. A little peace here, a little peace there, pretty soon all the peaces will fit together to make one big peace everywhere. 7. I know great earth changes have been predicted for the future, so if you're looking to avoid earthquakes, my advice is simple. When you find a fault, just don't dwell on it. 8. There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet train the world, and we'll never have to change it again. 9. If you're looking to find the key to the Universe, I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is -- there is no key to the Universe. The good news is -- it has been left unlocked. 10. Finally, everything I have told you is channeled. That way, if you don't like it, it's not my fault. And remember, enlightenment is not a bureaucracy. So, we don't have to go through channels.

Tastes Shift From Pate to Pot Pies Consumers: Comfort foods rank high on many shopping lists these days, as extravagances are cut. � � �By MELINDA FULMER, TIMES STAFF WRITER Concerned about the weakening economy and their own security, consumers are changing their eating habits--shifting from gourmet items to less expensive comfort foods and from upscale restaurants to pizza delivery. Supermarkets reported that sales of some high-end deli items and expensive cuts of beef declined at the end of September, and sales of comfort foods such as pancake mix, creamed corn, potatoes, peanut butter and peas and carrots posted double-digit increases from the same week last year, according to grocery data released this week by AC Nielsen. more @ http://www.latimes.com/business/la-000085363oct27.story

I heard about some surfers in Oahu who draped an American flag over a surfboard with some candles and pushed it out in the ocean. The about 50 surfers surrounded the board and pushed it out to sea on September 14th after a moment of silent prayer.

I've fallen to this trend only to some extent, I still like a good bottle of wine every now and then and good coffee is hard to forego. If I could only cut back on computer and internet expenses!

http://www.thenation.com/docPrint.mhtml?i=20020923&s=danto This is phiolospher and art critic's latest column about art and 9/11, especially he covers the memorials.