I had an ulterior motive for freezeing topic 28, which I forgot to mention. Today I spent a load of time printing out the entire conference, all 125 pages of it. It needs reformatting and things, but I had a crazy idea: why not have it printed professionally/semi-professionally and then everyone can have a copy? I don't know if that appeals or not, it was just an idea...

hmmm, i don't relish the idea of my thoughts drifting out to another medium besides this one. i know that sounds kind of narrow- minded of me. but to be honest, that idea does not sound like a good one to me and i really can't tell you why. maybe some more opinions here will help to flesh this out.

i meant everyone in the sense of "us", not the whole world.

sometimes copies tend to mysteriously multiply... let's take the ***** report as an example! Ha! We'd probably read something like it too!

They'd put the CIA on us - for all we know, we've cracked some conspiracy theories in this conference!

I think the copy most likely to replicate is the one right here! It takes a lot more effor to photocopy a 125 page document than it does to type: r 28 >>myday.txt

I'll be more careful about the things I say then - that way, if it filters out, everyone will think me sweetness and light....

HA! Too late! *laugh* (Home sick... got to sleep around 5am last night... by 6am I was in no capable working condition)

I don't believe in re-reading journal entries, so I'm understandably cool on the idea of having a copy. But I don't care if anyone wants to print it out and put it on their bookshelf. Isn't that big of me?

Bigamy? You, Autumn? And you really don't care? I mean dat's zary intellesting. I am going to re-read how you do/did that. I'll go right down to the bookstore and buy our conference report.

What's the matter, Stacey? Have you got a flew or something? Whatever, I hope you'll feel better soon. �big hug�

Thanks Ree-head. Don't know what I've got 'cept it's accompanied by a fever and a HUGE headache that no amount of Ibupropen seems to shake.

Mental Note: Tahja only wants to sleep on my lap when I am typing on the computer.

Can you blame him with all the slobbering and drooling and nose running? At least, when you're sitting, he has time to duck. In bed he just gets taken by that current, and is probably afraid of drowning, poor thing!

she. Jim has the boy kitty. But some very insightful observations there Ree-head!

can you touch your chin to your chest without it being excrutiatingly painful, stacey? how high of a fever are we talking about? (yeah, i'm a mommy)

It's not meningitis... but thanks for asking. I went to the doctor today... seems my headache and fever are two different items of concern. Fever... virus but placed on Zithromax just in case. The headaches are different. I used to have migraines years ago. I had been free of them for three years until last December when I had one out of the blue. Then I had another three weeks ago and since then a constant headache nothing seems to fix. The doctor believes they are tension headaches and has given me Midrin as well as a referral for physical therapy. I popped a Midrin and, as before, they do the trick but put me out of commisssion for hours at a time.

Midrin never worked for me, and yes, the zombie feeling on top of it was no help. Caffeine is the only thing that gives me quick relief now.

really? wow! (am glad it's not the big bad m-word, stacey). i've always heard to stay away from caffeine to keep headaches away. whatever works for you! i get tension headaches that do put me out-have been told by migraine sufferers that mine aren't those because my head hurts all over! but i get the visuals, am sensitive to light and noise, and nausea. so who cares what type of headache it is, it just plain hurts bad!!

Using caffeine to fight migraines is a homeopathic concept (like cures like). The caffeine cure only works if I maintain a caffeine-free status at all times (that I don't have a headache).

sorry you're not feeling well, Stacey - *BEAMZ*! I can remember when I thought that I had menengitus...never been so scared in my life! Well actually i have, but it was v. scary :) Being so ill I was incoherent and didn't know what was going on was quite an experience - normally I have to go to a bar for that feeling ;-)

The last time a doctor suggested meningitis, I went ahead with the suggested spinal tap. What a friggin mistake. Eight trips to the ER, sixteen fluid bags and eight caffeine bullus' later, I was finally given a blood patch to stop the spinal fluid from continuing to drain out of my head. Wanna talk about a headache... NOTHING else comes close to a spinal headache!

That sounds truly excruciating. And I hope this horrible headache of yours goes soon as well, Stacey. Have you had your eyes tested as well?

yuk, stace :-((

Hmm, wonder what the plus is doing in here: Topic 32 of 33 [philosophy]: My Day's Philosophy (9/29/98+) Response 24 of 24: Mike Griggs (mikeg) * Fri, Oct 2, 1998 (07:54) * 1 lines See the plus after 98?

i put the plus there to indicate that this is the My Days Philosophy Topic for 9/29/98 *onward*

Gottcha+

my gosh stacey, that's awful!!

my headache is gone, gone, gone today and no Midrin!

great news, stacey! let's hope it lasts.

Yes, just do alot of relaxing and sleeping and recovering before you go back to work.

glad the headache went away, stacey!

I hope all of you had a wonderful Christmas. I sure did! My fiancee and i were part of the midnight mass held at the san fernando cathedral in san antonio. i was a beautiful service and the church was packed full. it was a very traditional mexican ceremony! on christmas day we drove an hour due west to my hometown of uvalde to spend the day with my crazy family. all of my nephews and nieces were at my parents house, and there were toys and babies everywhere. we enjoyed a lovely christmas meal of ham with all the fixins, and tamales. i helped my 3 year old nephew daniel put together his new toy: a hot wheels car wash. he had apparently been asking for it for months and he was beside himself with glee at haven gotten one. it is really amazing to witness such pure and simple happiness. it makes you remember what the important things in life are.

glad you had a great holiday Ray... (and I bet you were a beautiful service! *grin*)

It sure sounds like you had a nice Christmas, Ray. That's great. We are still rotten with flu, so we skipped church this year. But we had alot of pancake, fondue and other stuff to feed the body, if not the soul! What did you do, Stacey?

Oh, and we did Chris up as Santa Clause. I thought he was very convincing indeed. But Isa took one look, and said, 'Don't think you fool me, Daddy-oh!'

I had my first Christmas away from my family... kinda difficult.

and you made it. one day, you'll enjoy having christmas in your own place. not to say that you'll never want a big one with everybody around. our christmas started at oh dark thirty (around 5:30 AM). i got out of bed at 7:30 and didn't get back into bed until midnight. those kiddos were nuts with christmas. we spent part of the day at our house then the evening at a friends with her family. it was really nice to be part of that (it's the kids' sitter) and she is so wonderful. she and i went after-christmas shopping on sat. and had a wonderful time (and we had to tote 3 kids with us-my daughter and her two granddaughters AND they behaved th mselves--unbelievable!!) it's nice to be adopted into their family.

hey stacey, i hope your christmas went ok anyway. i'd hate to be away from my familia on christmas, no matter how crazy they are!

Wolf: I have to say I also prefer Christmas away from family. I mean I miss them, but the biggest family fights were ALWAYS on Christmas. Haven't spent Christmas with anybody except Chris and the kids for four years now, and wouldn't want it any other way. It's nice to be just us. I guess it also comes from being away from the rest of the family most of the time. One just doesn't feel quite so at home when you're at home. Whereas things are just so familiar and easy with my husband and kids. I gue s it's called the easy way out! Stacey: You sound very close to your family. That's nice. Do you have brothers and sisters too? Older or younger? Will you be spending New Year with them? Ray: You sound like a person who should have 10 kids someday!

i wish we could! but we are already too old, so have to settle for one or two.

bah, you're never too old to have kids (well, then again, i'm thinking of that grandma who had something like quads) ree: exactly, i hate family squabbles and i enjoy christmas with just my kids and hubby (and that's how we've had them for the last 5 or so years)....

Ray: YOU ARE NOT OLD! From your photos you look about 30 - that is NOT OLD! Wolf: Exactly. At christmas I always wonder where all those big family squabbles always came from. It just always seemed to bring out the worst in everyone. You know, like after about two drinks the accusations would start flying, and the confessions to affairs, and the 'I never liked you anyway!'s. My parents seperated at least 3 times that I can remember after such a christmas thing! It's hilarious when I think about it now, but the quietness of christmas with Chris and the kids is a nice luxury! ha-ha!

You're old, Ray. Disgustingly old. 5 years ago you weren't even 19! What's the matter? You used to be the youngest person here. Now you're probably the oldest by far. I just hope you don't take it out on anyone in your family around this time of year (wait until February). Yes, participate in the age reduction genetics experiments. Rediscover your youth.....find it quick. The older you get, the more it upsets me. Now I have a migraine. I will wear rubber gloves if I ever meet you. And I will walk around like a Caribbean land crab with a buncha broken-down movie queens to telegraph to you how low you've sunk. C'mon Ray, pull yourself outta the deep end of delirium. Get yourself back into the teens, at least. The horror that you could be over 20. Think! Think harder!! Make your move! Please, Ray, stop letting ALL of us down like this. Your face is actually wrinkling before our very eyes. Get a grip. And stretch it.....your skin has gone to heck and not back. You are just incredibly old. What a sorry sorry SORRY situation. I'm beside myself in pain. I'm behind myself in anxious woe. I'm under myself in a deep grave of pity for you. And to think I used to believe in you. I thought you meant it when you said you wouldn't age another day. And that was back when you were 18 and we were all so hopeful here for you. Such a pity. Look what you've become! Are you a monster? I am so hurt!!!

when i was 18 i was 155 lbs of mexican love machine. now i am 34, and the mexican love machine needs a lot of priming nowadays. glad to see you back jim!!!

And you call yourself old??? Silly bugger! Love machine, hey? When is Jim going to have access to Inner?

he said he tried and got denied... who's in charge here?!?!??! *grin*

thats weird, i did not hear anything about that.

ahhh... I am the ALL KNOWING... are there any other questions you have for the great Pasquina??

It happened like this: A few weeks ago I sent an email to Spring's server administrator at webmaster@spring.net because I got an internal server error when I tried to access the Inner Conference. I sent the server administrator 2 emails saying I got the error and wanted to access the Inner Conference. No response. 5 days later I emailed Terry about getting access to Inner, and I included the error message. He responded the next day and said I should be able to access it now. I tried to, and got the same error message, and mailed him about it. He responded the next day by asking if I had shell access. I emailed him saying, "I bet that's it. What's shell access? What is a shell?" No response yet. It's been 2 weeks. It's not that I've been denied. Just some communication breakdown. Something as likely as.....how often emails are deleted by mistake or something like that. New plan of action is, since I'll be getting my second paycheck (at this new job) on Tuesday, I'm a-gonna put in the mailbox today a check to Spring for $120, then, on Monday or Tuesday, I'll email Jeff with a copy of the above scenario and request access again to Inner. A wait-and-see situation. Terry works 12 hours at his job and he's not even the appropriate person who I should contact. Plus I may have possibly annoyed Terry by saying "I bet that's it. What's shell access? What is a shell?" --- instead of saying something like, "No, I don't have shel access". It could have been anything. It could've gotten lost in the shuffle. And I could've chosen to respond again, and just didn't......feeling I would just go ahead and wait and try now the new plan of action. That's "the" story, through my hazy eyes.

Aw, Jim, I bet it's an honest mistake...I'm in inner, and I don't have a shell, either. What is your new job?? (*imagining a lot of exotic/bizarre occupations*)

I push this boulder up a hill and see if it can roll back down over me. No, it's something worse than that. I'm a data transcriptionist tech, so they say. Actually I think I'm more of a Spring reader participant, at this job, as much as anything. Lotsa free time, hours of it every day, until January, when the state legislature kicks into session. Yeah, I feel it's an honest mistake, too.....maybe mine.....or nobody's.... When I think of you, Autumn, it gets exotic/bizarre, too.....chalk it up to coincidence......again.

it is an honest mistake, jim. i have admin rights to all of the system here and sometimes have problems like that too. terry and all of us that work to run the spring do it on the side, so a lot fallw thru the cracks.

that lends some nice perspective, Ray. appreciate it, and I understand. it's cool

Life gets bizarre sometimes, doesn't it?

not mine... nope. never *smile*

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THe party animals at Spring Central should be having a good time right now! Stella and I will be spending tonight with the family and cats.

As soon as I repay the millions of dollars I stole from the senior citizens living on the moors and meadows and prairies of the Arctic Circle, I will sit down with my cat in a gondola in Venice and share a beer with him. Good. Glad I got that transaction outta the way with their attorney. Lotsa firecrackers going off now, here in Venice.....have been for the last hour and a half. Kids (the 5 year olds) are screaming with each loud bang. Blind monks are tripping, falling into the canal over here where we are passing by. Bodies are hanging outta windows of livelier parties, inhaling more helium. Different kinds of songs are starting up now, the kinds that have lotsa laughs going on in them and hiccups. Drunken would-be thieves are being caught and scorned by mothers of octuplets. 23 centuries of unchecked donkey births are also now entering into the behavioral tics of the adolescences of very sensitive teenagers I'm observing along the way. Jah's noticing them too. Jah, my cat. Money for banana panties is being thrown up in the air and being caught in the nostrils of second story onlookers perched on their balconies. It's practically all unconscious. None of it'll be remembered in the morning (or afternoon, I mean). Oh, over there, 2 cupcakes resting on a tongue. Everything is bouncing around....."Jah, could you stop rocking the boat." He gets like that when he's had one too many.

try inner again, Jim...

My Day's Philosophy. Hmm...now what would that be? My body is wrecked at the moment following a cold, headaches, dizzyness, nausea, nosebleeds and a cough, i haven't eaten a meal for a week, i have a screwed up wisdom tooth that is making the whole of my face throb and rather comically explosive diarrohea. i'm about as depressed as I've ever managed to be, and can barely even manage to find the energy to get out of bed, let alone do something about it. However. Before Christmas I bought a nice new jumper. I got to wear it last night, and I happen to think that it looked really good. So that's My Day's Philosophy. Buy a nice jumper, feel good about yourself.

sorry the new year's not off to a stellar start for you Mike... groovy 'bout the jumper though! I'm lost to some today... I've squirreled myself away in the black regions of my mind... kinda of a downer day... Perhaps I should go by a new jumper!!!!! (Welcome to 1999 everyone!)

Mike, just as a positive first step, how would you like to wear your jumper to the dentist's office (do you have insurance?)? Being attended to will do something nice for the depression, and your throbbing pain will say goodbye to you....but WE won't.....we will always say Hi to you. People you know, have they been more sympathetic toward you since you've been pretty ill? When people care, that's kind of a good feeling, eh? And then feeling a little bit better each day....as your body improves some..... Pretty soon you'll be back to your old self. It's really something to be out of action during some good times, and still not be thrown by it, while something else is going on that you gotta contend with and go through. One thing it does is gives you perspective. So many back off from good times even when their bodies are healthy because little things get to them and blow up into big things on their own, then they get depressed. Emotional baggage gets to so many people around this time of year, too. And there's nothing wrong with them physically. Then there are those who are in car wrecks caused by them and someone dies. Happens to some on Christmas eve. That's way beyond depression. There's this guy at where I work at, and his name's Mike too. I saw him on TV, some news bit that went national. It was some pile-up on the Interstate (freeway/highway). About 59 cars. His was one of the first. He watched his truck get pounded into again and again. He said there was a semi that somehow went through all of it without stopping by threading the needle, and it was unbelievable that it didn't jackknife or hit anything. Then, later, there was this car that he saw fly over his head --- a drunk driver went through the barrier at 65 mph, took off when his car and part of the barrier hit the first car he came to, and sent his car flying 100 feet in the air. That's when the cops said for everyone to cross over and get out of there away from and off the interstate, instead of staying there inside cars or trucks that could still start and still had heaters working. They must've been on the upper deck of the interstate, since at one point he said he crawled out of his window when that door was against a side wall, and the other doors were against another car, and when he crawled out, he was looking down on a 30-foot sheer drop, but he swung around okay and helped the other person out who was staying warm with him in his truck. He saw the young woman who died in the wreck, and said she was really beautiful For 2 hours they all were out there going numb freezing before the police would let them go. His parents were upset with him because he didn't call them to pick him up there to take him home, and he said, "Yeah, right, like I'm gonna call them out onto the same roads that has this kind of danger to life going on." It must've been like 3:00 in the morning, cuz he said all he wanted to do at that point was get back to work, since there was something there that he could lie down on, there was warmth, and food, and it was only 20 blocks away (whereas he lives 40 minutes away out in the country) But his face wasn't throbbing and he wasn't physically sick. But he said it was just 2 nights ago that he didn't hear smashing glass and metal when he tried to go to sleep --- then he said, "Not hear it, I mean SEE it, more than hear it." The nightmares have stopped, and they would wake him up and he couldn't go back to sleep. But when he was talking about the whole thing, he seemed calm and humble and very cognizant of all the details he was relating to us. WER, you did it, just like that. I'm in now, in the Inner Conference. You're good!!

Oh, look who jumped in there, without her jumper, while I was off writing to Mike: Stacey and her black regions. I've always had to leave my black regions when the Almighty Pasquina would go in there and drag me out, unbidden. She always knows where I am. Well, she doesn't drag me. She sits with me. She has said, on more than one of those occasions, "Jim, couldn't you slip-slide your way into a feeling of being with your blackness like I am being with you? Just listen in to the mind currents as they flow against the ebb, loosen your way into the feeling that is underway, it's there, wanting more from you.....couldn't you be with it and hold it for some time.....watch what happens.....something very nice will, I promise." It's true. And a new personal folklore issues forth. I hear the wind again, and it hears me. It's all in keeping with a deeper abiding mirror of life. And I hug you with that, Stace, ol' girl, and Mike, ol' man oh man....

there are problems with the dentist. Firstly, it's located on the university campus and is hardly ever open. Certaily not open again until Monday. Secondly, the dentist that I have had before is an absolute monster - I never, ever used to have a problem with the entist before I let this man loose in my mouth; now I haven't been for two years. Last time I went in, I had to be helped to stand up when I got out. The man's a butcher. The other thing is that when I was ill, nobody really gave a fuck. Not my mother, not her husband, not my sister, not my father to any great extent and only very slightly his wife. Why is that? Because I don't fucking matter. I always suspected that was the case, and now it's been proven. Triffic. I have worked out finally what the hell all my depression is about, and the problem is essentially insoluble. Shit. Life is not fucking good, and not fucking worth it.

let me get back to you on this...

I could almost agree at this point in mine.

you'd better tell us what's going on, ree.....

Yeah, Riette, we're hearing ya.....what're you feelin'? What're you goin' through? I see what you mean about the dentist, Mike. How does this sound? Go to a pharmacy and say, "I can't see a dentist till Monday and I'm throbbing in pain. What's the best thing you've got that I can buy for it?" Or try this, it would be better: Call a doctor today, if there are any you can call, and get a prescription from them for the pain. Oh, and on Monday, when you see a dentist, would you like to change dentists? Is there a way to get a good recommendation on one who doesn't cause problems for you? Depression can seem insoluble. One of the toughest things in life. And when we're depressed, we can very easily feel like we're not worth much. And it looks like you're saying that it feels to you like almost no one in your family can care about you right now. So if that's true, would it be okay for you to see them as just not having the capacity to care right now, for whatever reason, or for whatever limitation that they have? We do care about you. Because you relate to us in a very interesting way. And we relate to you and feel things about you that are pretty good things when we think of you and when we're in contact with you by seeing your responses. We like you because you feel alot and you express it quite openly. That does alot for us. It's an exchange of life. It could've been that you would never have been in my life. When I think of that, I can feel the difference. The difference of knowing you and not knowing you is live and tangible, very real. It matters. I can always count on you to say something very interesting and in usually surprising ways, in ways that sorta wake me up and make me blink in a refreshing resurgence of recognition. Because I recognize the realness of your emotions and personal challenges. When things go wrong for you, it really means alot to you. We can sure feel that. And that means you mean mucho to us. It's kinda nice to know that scorchingly complicated difficulties are all a part of life. We wouldn't want it to be smooth and uniformly pleasant. That would be worse than depression. It'd be as bad as "The Truman Show" (probably you haven't seen that movie yet, though). When I'm surprised by stuff that happens to me, and it really gets to me in a negative way, my emotions can consume me and I need to get some release from that. I want something to happen, y'know, and just the opposite is what happens. Depression comes in when there's a change in the direction of how I start to think about myself. I feel how limited I am. I start thinking in that loop that thinks like that, and keeps re-looping. How insensitive I am. How much of my life I wasted. How little I matter. And the feeling collects more emotion around it and folds in on itself and I feel cornered and trapped by this whole strange internal course of psychological events. There's tremendous pressure and tension and compressed tightness. I'm a tight ball of confusion and raw thwarted despair. A sinkhole of fallen wounded troubled exhausted weakness and resentment. I try to get release by understanding it. Everyone has there own way of getting release from depression. Some like to head off to a stream, a creek, a river, someplace alongside it where they can be really alone. Some like to talk about it with someone who they feel it's worth talking to. Some really deeply ask for mercy and compassion, a warm embrace from someone they trust or can trust or can get to trust. There're tons more ways: going for a horse ride, a car ride, cutting out some time to get away and do nothing, dance, music, poetry, phone calls, eating out or eating in with a friend in candlelight simplicity and gentle energies, sports, rock climbing, sketching, a long walk, being with pets, a movie, writing in a journal, doing something real interesting that has been put off for a long time, traveling, reading about how it can be dealt with, counselling, going to a playground to be around kids. A gazillion more ways. My way is to try to understand it. It's not a good way if it's felt to be not a good way, though. But what I do is listen in with my emotions to my emotions. I feel depression is mostly a feeling thing. It seems like I've been hurt by a mixed-up series of thwarting experiences. Seems like the hurt has built up a bunch, inside me. So I know it's gonna be a while. I know I'm gonna be listening in to it for a while. It'll take some time for it to soften up and reel out and release. It happens, but it takes patient care on my part to give it the chance it hasn't had to unwind, shake out, and let be seen what hasn't come forward yet. Stuff still needs to come forward that hasn't. The thicker denser emotions that are knotted up in a beaten twisted snarl. That stuff needs my own compassion before it'll unfold, untangle. It has to feel okay first before it'll come out. And I want it to. It's scared, like a child who's been forcibly taught to not be seen or heard around parents or whoever controls things. The child isn't gonna make a move unless it feels the feeling that it knows is really okay.....the feeling that feels really okay about coming out and just being itself again. It can take alotta crying, or the equivalent of crying, whatever that may be. The essence of my understanding of it for me, felt like this: I had to see how I can give other people a chance to be who they are. That meant granting them their imperfections. I had to give up my dream of wanting to be able to have people like me and give me approval. I had to learn what it meant to be alone without being lonely. It felt like, when I could do that, it felt like I was giving life a way to be what it actually is --- something that doesn't revolve around me. We all matter, no one more than anyone else. And it matters that those who can't see that, be given room to not see that until they do see it. It matters that they be given room without being given a hard time about it, simply because that only makes things go more awry than it already is --- like in some way, it goes against nature or against divine grace or against the healthier forces in life. So it means that I could help give myself self-supportive room to see that I matter without giving myself a hard time about it (by consistently insisting to myself that I don't matter). Maybe I won't feel it or see it --- that I matter --- but I can feel that I'm giving myself room to feel (see) it eventually. And I know that life has worth when it's going great. And I can know that depression can be a means to that realization, as I give that depression some room to release, letting the worth of life, my life, re-emerge in a more independent, natural, healthy way. It goes strength to strength. It's true, when there is depression, it's a real emergency and it's very personal.....it's very deep cutting, inwardly. And I know that's therefore when I must be profoundly aware of the necessity of me being able to be kind to myself, so I can go all the way in there to the tightest part of the emotional snarl, to unknot it with care, like it matters and like I feel like it can be done.....and that I can do it. You've tried all this already, in days gone by, as well as you could, and it fails every time, and I'm just making matters worse for you? It's just not one of your ways? The way that works best for you is different, and it just hasn't been working for you at all, hmm?

Thanks for writing, Jim - just to know that somebody is reading what I'm saying is a help at the moment. The problem I have now is that I have worked out, after 20 years of being me, and probably twelve or thirteen of working on it, exactly what has upset me for so long. I know exactly what it is, and I know that it is essentially insoluble. And that's a pretty terrible thing to realise; so much so that I don't really know what to do now. There didn't seem much point in getting up this morning, so I d dn't - seemed more sensible to stay in bed, despite the fact that I wasn't tired. I don't nkow..I'm not giving up yet. Maybe I just have to give myself some time, like you said, to work out that life doesn't revolve around me.

OH yeah, and I got some good painkillers for my tooth!

I like writing to you. You're pretty interesting....I'll read every word you write, with interest. So I know I'm gonna always like to write to you. I didn't know whether that mattered that much to ya. I thought there was a good chance I would only aggravate you. Didn't wanna do that. Knowing exactly what has upset you is a great milestone to reach. You put alotta time and hard work into it too. Is this something you mind me doing? I mean, do you mind me asking you what it is? What it turned out to be? The thing that upset you? Way to go with the painkillers. I do that alot, keep lying in bed, not feeling much point in getting up. And, I dunno if it's like this for you, but I like lying there daydreaming and wondering about things. I do this alot --- I'll sit up on the sofa (that's my bed --- I sleep on the sofa) so I can wonder even more about things....more consciously and deeper. I like thinking how there's more point to that than a point to getting up and doing things, which I can do later anyway --- of course, I'm not very pressed for time, either.....that's another factor.

hope you feel better Mike... the words Jim said... they're true for me too. I dunno if they're true for everyone but I thought, if they're true for him and true for me and maybe true for you... then you're certainly not alone

Things are getting gradually better. I have stopped hoping for so much out of life, which has turned out to be a positive thing. I think I have kind of accepted that I@m not going to feel wonderful - or even just OK - some of the time. A lot of the time. I am trying to avoid the things that upset me, simply by not thinking about them. It's not like "repression" or anything, it's just refusing to allow myself to become upset by things that can't be changed by me or anyone else. Ah well...I'm still we ring my happy jumper, too, although it needs a wash tonight.:-) Roll on Life.

What does the jumper look like?

never forget that you are in control, mike. i think you are starting to see that!

it's black, woollen, nice v-neck. i knew it was perfect the moment I set eyes on it. It's a really nice cut.

Black, wollen, nice v-neck. Okay. I'll go find one tomorrow. You think they'd let me into the men's department if I wore a black cap?

They would probably let you in no matter what you wore.

That would be awfully nice of them.

My Day's Philosophy: My supervisor and co-worker both called in sick today, and I'm the only one in the office. We're not busy at all here because the semester hasn't started yet. I mean ABSOLUTELY NO ONE has called or come in for the last two days. So I'm gonna screw around on the internet all day, between here and the utne discussion groups (where I also hang). I'm gonna look up some recipies at www.topsecretrecipies.com and see if there's anything worthwhile. Then I'm gonna take a looong lunch at a beer joint down the street (yes, they have food, pretty good Louisiana cookin', if I feel like eating). Then I'm gonna screw around on the net all over again all afternoon. Then I'm gonna close the office early, get groceries and beer and hang around th house all night playing the stereo loud and watching some TV. Life ain't bad today :-)

have a blast!

Good to see you, George.

Yes, it is...did you find anything good today, George?