One of the best websites I've seen is Austinite Brian's http://www.georgebush2000.com and its companion site (for sale) http://www.georgebush2000.net

Not my poem and not necessarily my views, but I think it belongs here: Georgy Porgy pudding and pie, Took cocaine which made him high, When the sheriff came his way, Georgy's pa sent him away. Georgy Porgy wasn't daft, Wanted to avoid the draft, He found being a coward was not too hard, Daddy's friends got him into the guard. Georgy Porgy businessman With daddy's money his career began, When the seed money all dried up, Georgy's business went belly up. Georgy Porgy governer guy Brought the crime rate up so high, And that wasn't his only solution, Texas is number one in pollution. Georgy Porgy for President, Doesn't know where his money went. But if he has to fight Al Gore, Daddy's friends will get him more. Georgy Porgy's a true Texan, Though he may fail again and again, As long as his father has wealthy friends, He'll do to us, what he did to them.

The big boys made me post this: Conversation at an international convention of surgeons: An Israeli doctor said: "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take the kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor said: "That's nothing! In Germany we can take a lung out of one person, put in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks." A Russian doctor said: "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks." The American doctor, not to be outdone said: "Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House, and half the country will be looking for work the next day."

Looking for parody? http://members.aol.com/myfreestorage/private/dubya/index.html

That was pretty mean spirited, Carvey's skit where Dubya cackes about killing some game out on a father son hunting jount and then Elder Bush takes aim as Jr. gleefully goes after the prey. And the Gore impression fell short in the opening skit, they really haven't figured out how to capture the aggressive, on top of his game, Gore and they fall back to the "I agree" stereotype from the Second Debate. And dragging in Carvey's Elder Bush routines is a bit contrived, we've been there, seen that.

I was, in the above post, referring to the skits in last nights Saturday Night Live.

There is not much to brag about in the current presidential campaign. There seems to be a great deal more dignity and substance in the Vice Presidential one. This is most uhappy and it makes America look incredibly foolish!

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure,."...George W. Bush, Jr. "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." .....Governor George W. Bush, Jr. "Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." .....Governor George W. Bush, Jr. "Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." .....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 8/11/94 "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." .....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/15/95 "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change." .....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/22/98 "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." .....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 12/6/93 "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." .....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 11/30/96 "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." .....Governor George W. Bush, Jr. "The future will be better tomorrow." .....Governor George W. Bush, Jr. "We're going to have the best educated American people in the world." .....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/21/97 "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." .....Governor George W. Bush, Jr. "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." .....Governor George W. Bush, Jr. to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93 "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." .....Governor George W. Bush, Jr. "Public speaking is very easy." .....Governor George W. Bush, Jr. to reporters in 10/9 "I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican" .....Governor George W. Bush, Jr. "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." .....Governor George W. Bush, Jr "When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA,my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame. .....George W. Bush, Jr. "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it." .....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/20/96 "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." .....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/22/97 "For NASA, space is still a high priority." .....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/5/93 "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." .....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/18/95 "The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make." .....Governor George W. Bush, Jr. "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made." .....Governor George W. Bush, Jr. "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." .....Governor George W. Bush, Jr. "[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." .....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

Could someone tell me how this man got elected the Governor of the Great State of Texas? Just curious...

If GW wins, There will be some changes in America. All tv stations will have to carry an hour a day of NASCAR events in order to get their license renewed. All pinatas maciadoras in Texas must include pinatas of Bill & Hillary Clinton. PBS will have only 3 shows: Wall St Week, The Nightly Business Report and Austin City Limits. Alex Baldwin and Barbra Streisand will be exiled from the US. All coins will have "Remember the Alamo" on the front and "In God We Trust" on the back.

What a night! Still too close to call, though it's looking like Bush in Florida by the narrowest of margins. They're doing a recount and Gore is sending in a team of lawyers and observors.

As a Florida resident, I find this very exciting. We will decide the turn of the 21st Century. On a personal note, Gore was a sissy weakling to concede before it was over and then retract. If this is the way he reacts, I fear for us all if he becomes president. His team of lawyers and observers is not good PR either.

Am so glad that people will finally have a new state to kick around for dubious election practices. ;-D

Spoken like a true daughter of the former favorite target state. Ah yes, and the greatest man in my world was born there... I am sorry for Florida but happy for Illinois. You watch them, Moon! No matter the outcome, let it happen in a honest way.

LOL, Karen! I see GW Bush agrees with that little boy. Gore was dumb to concede before it was over. ;-)

(MarciaH)Could someone tell me how this man got elected the Governor of the Great State of Texas? Just curious... Oh Marcia! I'm still wiping my tears off after reading those quotes... Came here today for the first time and was ROTFLMAO...You're going to have a very entertaining president ;-)

(Gi) Oh Marcia! I'm still wiping my tears off after reading those quotes... Same here! Yogi Berra and Samuel Goldwyn move over. Ladies and gentlemen, I (tentatively) present to you the next President of the US, George W. Malaprop, er, I mean, Bush. ;-)

Tha man could not have done better if he had used a "gag writer." Do you imagine these were all tongue-in-cheek comments? If so, that is even worse. They are hilarious - or would be if not from the mouth of the potentially most powerful man in the world! As an American, I am aghast and offended (and more than a little amused...)

Political leanings aside, I know what you mean, Marcia. Who on earth would want another dummy in such an office besides the late night talk shows?

According to my 'walking encyclopedia' brother, nearly all those quotes are Dan Quayle quotes.

According to my 'walking encyclopedia' brother, nearly all those quotes are Dan Quayle quotes. Heehee.

(Tineke)According to my 'walking encyclopedia' brother, nearly all those quotes are Dan Quayle quotes. I was reminded of him, certainly ...

This is hysterical. I only saw bits of Rather, but was LOL at his "tornado through a trailer park" remark. So spot-on! Last night on Letterman, they were showing a whole bunch of these down-home similes: http://www.modernhumorist.com/mh/0011/rather/

Or this on Flori-Duh: http://www.modernhumorist.com/mh/0011/florida/ :-))))

Ya, know...we USED to be pretty good at running a Federal Republic (often mistaken for a Democracy)... John Burnett warned me about 6 months ago that Dan Quayle's comments were being recycled for this election. Out of the mouths of babes? boobs? your call. But, please, lets get this over with and get on with real life again!

Karen, have you checked their http://www.modernhumorist.com/mh/0011/ballot/?

Good one. ;-D Thanks, Gi. Liked the last question: And if Bush loses: _ Eat whole pint of Chunky Monkey; execute someone _ Laura will let him campaign for three more weeks; then break the news _ Drink the case of Bud Ice he's been saving in case of nuclear war Cannot believe the number of people who are crying "we have no president!" How did these people graduate high school?

From my future daughter-in-law, The New Florida Ballot

Actually, the Nader line should've gone straight across. Saw a Georgetown University psychology professor on TV. He conducted a test with his students, using the Palm Beach ballot. Over 50% of those intending to vote for Gore wound up voting for Buchanan. Said it had more to do with "expectations," i.e., the second hole to be punched should've been Gore's. That's why those types of ballots (crossing over the middle section) are not used elsewhere.

More fun and games: California (AP) Steve Lavin and the UCLA Bruins are demanding a recount of the game in which Kansas won 99 to 98. "The baskets were confusing," says Lavin. "I'm sure that some of the balls that went in Kansas' basket were meant to go into ours. Kansas teams would never have scored nearly one-hundred points. There's no way we lost this one. UCLA demands a recount." Kansas officials are calling this "outrageous". "They agreed to the size and shape of the baskets prior to tip-off," replies KU coach Roy Williams. "If they had a problem with them, they should have said so before we started. You don't get to keep playing until you're happy with the outcome. Someone had to lose. We've scored over one hundred points many times." UCLA has sent lawyers as well as their athletic director to Madison Square Garden, where the scoreboard will be tested. Bob Frederick, athletic director for Kansas, will be there as well to oversee the process. "We are confident that when the points are re-totaled, we will be the winner of the game," says Frederick. Kansas also points out that in many games prior to this one, the same baskets were used. "They didn't have a problem with the baskets until they lost," says Williams. Outside the garden, UCLA student protesters have gathered outside bearing signs such as, "UCLA wants a fair game!". Students' thoughts echoed their signs. "All we want is a fair total of the points before we declare a winner," says student Karen Hays, a Bruin from California. "We need to proceed cautiously and not rush to judgment before we declare a winner." ESPN, around 7pm eastern time, had mistakenly declared UCLA the winner, despite the 16 point lead the Jayhawks held at that point. At about 8:30pm, with the game still to close to call, ESPN had to back off its prediction. College Basketball analyst Jay Bilas made the call. "We felt that with a number of points still not added in by Cummings and Watson, two very good scorers, we were certain UCLA would carry this game. We may have been premature in our prediction."

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect anybody as President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves and, by extension, the free world, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories including New Jersey. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply with the following acts: 1. Look up "revocation" in the now official Oxford Dictionary ($75). Start spelling English words correctly. 2. Learn at least the first 4 lines of "God Save The Queen" 3. Start referring to "soccer" as football 4. Declare war on Quebec and France 5. Arrest Mel Gibson for treason 6. Close down the NFL. Learn to play rugby 7. Enjoy warm flat beer and steak and kidney pudding. Train waitresses to be more aggressive with customers and not to tell you their names. 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday, this has been replaced with November 5th 9. All members of this British Crown Dependency will be required to take 6 weeks annual vacation and observe statutory tea breaks. 10.Driving on the left is now compulsory - recall all cars to effect the change immediately. 11.Report to our Consulate General in NY - M Wragg - for your new passport and job allocation. 12. Add the Royal Insignia to the top of the Washington Monument - and the Queens Christmas speeches to the Lincoln Memorial. 13. Stop referring to the World Series of Baseball and instead call the National Series of USA, Cuba and Japan. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your cooperation and have a nice day!

In London the headlines read, "The Disunited States of America." Britain's tabloid Mirror ran pictures of Gore and George W. Bush below the headline: "Forrest Chumps. This election's like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get." Italian newspapers called it, "A Day Worthy of a Banana Republic." In Moscow, the chairman of the Russian Central Election Committee told newspapers that this election was proof positive that they should not adopt our system of elections.

I saw a different version of that revocation. I like #4 NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE To the citizens of the United States of America. In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new Prime Minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save the Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit". 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day". 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. 10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Thank you for your co-operation.

LOL, thanks, Tineke! We all know there are a lot of royalist here. ;-) As much as Blair is like Gore, I do not think he will let him get away with it. Vincere aut mori.

Here we go, Slate magazine has compiled The Complete Bushisms: http://slate.msn.com/Features/bushisms/bushisms.asp Way too many to post here.

All of this stuff has at least made my CNN viewing slightly interesting whilst I've been stuck in a hotel room with three channels...I still can't believe that nearly 50% of the population of the US actually voted for Gee Dubya. I mean, the guy is quite obviously a red-necked, far-right, fascist moron. Hence the headline: U.S. ELECTS RED-NECK TO RUN COUNTRY, NUCLEAR ARSENAL :-))

The Canadian elections are at the end of the month. Would it not be ironic if they knew their results before we did?! Mike, are you thrilled with Tony Blair??? Politics is not all that appealing anymore, is it?! I'd still like someone to tell me how Texas managed to elect Gee Dubya Governor if he is so heartily disliked. Waiting...!

I can't stand Tony Blair. He's the worst of both worlds: implements social policy like a right-winger yet taxes people like a left-winger. I don't really care too much whether a government is left-wing or right-wing, as long as they're not a terrible mix of the two. As for Gee Dub', I imagine that Texans would love someone like that. Plus, all Texans are stoopid. ;-) Speaking of stupid, every time I hear Allie G talk I think...

*grin* Good thing both Terry and William were born outside the state. Otherwise we'd need to be scribbling on the internet sidewalk with chalk. You know, just about nuthin is gonna change when whomever gets elected. The powers that be continue behind the throne and our figurehead president makes prewritten-for-him speeches for the press. After Allen Greenpan is still gonna be calling the shots in the Federal Reserve. Oh well, let's just please end the circus and get on with real life!

I would agree usually but this time there is the appointment of two new Supreme Court judges to think about. If/When G'Dub gets in you can kiss goodbye to civil-rights and Roe vs. Wade...

You are absolutely correct, Mike. The composition of the Court is at stake. I say, let them take their time and get the vote count right. It's not like we don't have a president. We do, and he will be there for another 2 months. In today's society, we are all so spoiled by our expectations of instantaneous results and answers. Where's the fire, fergodsake? This election will have ramifications for years to come. On a lighter note, here's Letterman's Top 10 from Thursday: Top Ten Things The Founding Fathers Would Say If They Were Alive Today: 10."Remember that electoral college thing we made up when we were drunk? They're still using it!" 9."Maybe that ruthless monarchy thing in England wasn't such a bad idea after all..." 8."Good to see Florida is still using the same old voting machines" 7."That's odd -- in my day, we also had a senator named Strom Thurmond" 6."So that's the Washington Monument? Yeah, in his dreams" 5."Giuliani has really wrecked Times Square" 4."We risk our lives to form this great nation and you wanna let George W. Bush run it?!" 3."Back in our time there certainly wasn't anyone as man-tastic as Ricky Martin" 2."He did *what* in the Oval Office?" 1."Screw this, we're going to Canada"

Fuuny, A man I repect hightly voted for Clinton twice for the very reason of a more liberal Supreme Court. Nuthin happened, kiddies! I sure hope that is makes a difference this time. And, does it reallt work when you try to legislate morality?! Where I live is so far from the rest of the states that most people stil think we are a foreign country...*sigh* Good one. Mari!

It's ironic that the Supreme Court, probably the most important thing in the whole US, should be at stake when both major candidates were such a dead loss :-) It's interesting, I think, that the US in general seems to be lurching further towards the Right. The impression that Americans like to give is that their country is founded on freedom, yet a large percentage of the population seem to be voluntarily moving themselves away from a moderate, libertarian Centre ground. Odd.

Mike, "Americans" as we knew them before you were born but of WW2 variety were White and Anglo-Saxon variety, mostly. They voted and remain engraved in our minds as "typical Americans." We are now a distinct minority. Look at us more carefully!!! The ones who vote now are much different and I think none would rise to defend democracy anywhere. Their own money, you becha. Very self-centered!!!

If that is true then how do you account for 50% of the electorate voting for GWB?

Amazing but true, Ann Richards didn't wage as vigorous a campaign as she should have. Had Clayton Williams won the election against her instead of bumbling it away, we never would have heard of W.

If that is true then how do you account for 50% of the electorate voting for GWB? There's a famous quote that works rather well here. Think it was PT Barnum or similar who said no one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public. :-)

They're having a field day with all this at http://www.theonion.com; Clinton declaring himself president for life, Serbia sending peacekeeping forces to the US, etc.

Thanks for the URL, Tine! Karen - good point. Fortunately, just the photo ops will change - not the politics as usual, and in our past, there have been worse election mess than this one - the current TIME Magazine tells all about it!

LOL, Tineke, thanks. (Karen), Think it was PT Barnum or similar who said no one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public. :-) And he lived and voted in Florida. ;-)

Yeah, The Onion take on it was fantastic. Clinton declaring himself President for Life was classic :-) I love that quote, Karen :)

THE BALLOT COUNTING, ACCORDING TO DR. SEUSS: Can we count them with our nose? Can we count them with our toes? Should we count them with a band? Should we count them all by hand? If I do not like the count, I will simply throw them out! I will not let this vote count stand, I do not like them, and AlGore I am! Can we change these numbers here? Can we change them, calm my fears? What do you mean Dubya has won? That is not fair! It ruins my fun! Let's count them upside down this time Let's count until the state is mine! I will not let THIS vote count stand! I do not like it, and AlGore I am! I'm really ticked, I'm in a snit! You have not heard the last of it! I'll count the ballots one by one And hold each up before the sun! I'll count, recount, and count some more! You'll grow to like this little chore! I will not let this vote count stand! I do not like it, and AlGore I am! I won't leave office, stayin' here I've glued my desk chair to my rear! Tipper, Hillary, and Bubba too, Are telling me that I should SUE! "We find the Electoral College vile! Recount the votes until WE smile! We do not want this vote to stand! We do not LIKE it, AlGore-I-am!" How shall we count THIS ballot box? Let's count it standing in our socks! Shall we count this one in a tree? And who shall count it, you or me? We cannot, cannot count enough! We must not stop, we must be tough! I do not want this vote to stand! I do not like it, and AlGore I am! I've counted till my fingers bleed and still can't fulfill my counting need. I'll count the tiles on the floor and even count the ones next door! And I will not say I am done until the counting says I've WON! I will not let this vote count stand! I do not like it, and AlGore I am! What's that? What? What's that you say? You think the current count should....STAY????? You do not like my counting scheme? It makes you tense? Gives you bad dreams? Foolish folks, you're wrong, you'll see! Your only care should be for ME! I will not let this vote count stand! I do not like it, and AlGore I am!

Subject: The PALM BEACH POKEY You put your stylus in, You pull your stylus out, You put your stylus in, And you punch Buchanan out. You do the Palm Beach Pokey And you turn the count around, That's what it's all about! You put some Gore votes in, You pull the Bush votes out, You put some Gore votes in, And you do another count. You do the Palm Beach Pokey And you turn the count around, That's what it's all about! You bring your lawyers in, You drag the whole thing out, You bring your lawyers in, And you create lots of doubt. You do the Palm Beach Pokey And you turn the count around, That's what it's all about! You let your doctors spin, You let the pundits spout, You make the retirees sue, And your people whine and pout. You do the Palm Beach Pokey And you turn the count around, That's what it's all about!

Loved it, Marcia, thanks!

Quick! Call a lawyer! by Dave Kindred Don Denkinger, RECOUNT! Don Denkinger, Don Stinkinger. No way should that umpire's decision be certified, not even 15 years after the World Series in question. Jorge Orta was out at first base, was out on instant replay and will be out as long as the sun shines on this favored land. Everyone in Kansas City knew it. Everyone in St. Louis knew it. Everyone knew the judgment of the electorate. Yet only Denkinger's vote counted. He ruled Orta safe. By one man's vote, the Cardinals lost the 1985 World Series. For folks who long have wished to correct such injustices, our presidential wannabes now suggest a means to that end: take the blackguards to court. Anna Kournikova, a loser? How can that be? Not only is that unfair, it's probably unconstitutional. Next time she plays, Kournikova needs to fly in a battalion of attorneys with briefcases made heavy by motions for injunctions against topspin lobs. She should hire that guy from Al ("If I Play Touch Football, Maybe They'll Mistake Me for JFK") Gore's camp -- that David Boies superlawyer character with the cheap suits and expensive mind who won the government's case against Microsoft. Anybody who cuts up Bill Gates can leave Martina Hingis weepy. This Just In: Cumberland College, a 222-0 loser to Georgia Tech's 1916 football team coached by John Heisman, demands a manual recount. Yes, when all the lawyers are done in Florida deciding who's going to be president of Palm Beach, they could do big business in SportsWorld. Roger Clemens is fined $50,000 for saving the bat-boy a few steps by tossing a broken bat his way? Bob Knight is fired because he gave a lesson in manners? Marty McSorley tries to get a guy's attention and loses his job for a year? How can the NBA's tin-eared censors slap duct tape across the mouth of the musical artist Allen Iverson? Football officials now put their heads under canvas like Matthew Brady photographing Lincoln and Meade to decide if it's one foot in bounds or two. So why not let lawyers argue that it's only fair that Shaquille O'Neal, larger than your average man, should shoot free throws at a rim larger than your average rim? Just think. With enough lawyers, we'd get a recount on the Long Count fight, Jack Dempsey vs. Gene Tunney in 1927. We'd be convinced that everyone else ran the wrong way in the 1929 Rose Bowl, and Roy Riegels ran the right way. We'd understand exactly why it is that Alex Rodriguez can't play at a $20 million level unless his billboards are really, really big. The American sweetheart, Shirley Babashoff, would be given the gold medals she lost in the 1976 Olympics to all those East German swimmers who turned out to be Frau Frankensteins, fresh from pharmaceutical factories. This Just In: Lawyers for Lou Gehrig's estate want to examine Orioles box scores for pregnant/hanging/dimpled chads that were susceptible to partisan manipulation during Cal Ripken Jr.'s alleged 2,632-game streak. The Giants' Frank Gifford needed representation in the famous 1958 NFL championship game. During confusion caused by an injury to the Colts' Gino Marchetti, Gifford insists the ball was marked a yard short of where he'd carried it. That yard cost the Giants a first down and gave possession to Baltimore. Johnny Unitas then led the Colts on a last-minute drive to a tie, producing the overtime in which another Unitas drive produced Alan Ameche's game-winning touchdown. Woody Hayes could have used F. Lee Bailey. Late in the 1978 Gator Bowl, the Ohio State coach took a swing at a kid from the other team. But Hayes was OLD AND CONFUSED. He should have slugged his own quarterback, Art Schlicter, who threw the pass intercepted by Clemson's Charlie Bauman. Now we know about Schlicter's gambling habit. He might have thrown the ball right where he wanted to. Maybe Woody knew it. No way, absolutely no way, not if they recounted a thousand times, did North Carolina State defeat the Houston team starring Clyde Drexler and Akeem Olajuwon for the 1983 NCAA basketball championship. It could not happen. Trees would tap dance first, elephants would drive at Indy. It did not happen. Houston won that game, and an honest count would show it, just as a count without mischief would show that Georgetown defeated Villanova in '85. (Duke loyalists point to a mysterious 31-point gap in the play-by-play of a 103-73 loss to Las Vegas in 1990.) Poor Greg Norman. The smallest gain in a recount, he's Tiger Woods before Tiger Woods gets out of grade school. Poor Ken Norton. An honest count, he beats Muhammad Ali three times rather than once. Poor Pete Rose. He needed to stop counting. The lawyers now convened in Florida use baseball language. The old secretary of state, James Baker, dismissed an opponents' accusation with a smirk and this: "He talked like it's the best thing since night baseball." The superman in the cheap suit ($200 at Macy's), David Boies, was heard to say, "Our side hasn't been to bat yet." It's too much to expect presidential wannabes to behave with the dignity of Roberto Clemente, the Pirates' Hall of Fame outfielder. Late in the 1972 season, he scratched a ground ball toward center field that ticked off the second baseman's glove. A scoreboard operator decided it was a hit, Clemente's 3,000th, causing celebrations to begin -- until the official scorer said no, no, E4. In the clubhouse, Clemente said, "That's OK, I'll get it tomorrow." That, he did. And it was his last hit; he died that winter in a plane crash. This Just In: Wilt Chamberlain wants us to know that absentee ballots have raised the number from 20,000 to 30,000. Dave Kindred is a contributing writer for The Sporting News. E-mail him at kindred@sportingnews.com.

21 Rules For Being A Good Republican 1) You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but that yesterday's gas prices are all Clinton's fault. 2) You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own. 3) You have to be against government programs, but expect Social Security checks on time. 4) You have to believe that government should stay out of people's lives, yet you want government to regulate only opposite-gender marriages and what your official language should be. 5) You have to believe that pollution is ok, so long as it makes a profit. 6) You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha. 7) You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins. 8) You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body, but that large multi-national corporations should have no regulation or interference whatsoever. 9) You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton. 10) You have to believe that society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes. 11) You have to believe that it was wise to allow Ken Starr to spend $50 million dollars to attack Clinton because no other U.S. presidents have ever been unfaithful to their wives. 12) You have to believe that a waiting period for purchasing a handgun is bad because quick access to a new firearm is an important concern for all Americans. 13) You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex. 14) You have to believe that the ACLU is bad because they defend the Constitution, while the NRA is good because they defend the Constitution. 15) You have to believe that socialism hasn't worked anywhere, and that Europe doesn't exist. 16) You have to believe the AIDS virus is not important enough to deserve federal funding proportionate to the resulting death rate and that the public doesn't need to be educated about it, because if we just ignore it, it will go away. 17) You have to believe that biology teachers are corrupting the morals of 6th graders if they teach them the basics of human sexuality, but the Bible, which is full of sex and violence, is good reading. 18) You have to believe that Chinese communist missiles have killed more Americans than handguns, alcohol, and tobacco. 19) You have to believe that even though governments have supported the arts for 5000 years and that most of the great works of Renaissance art were paid for by governments, our government should shun any such support. After all, the rich can afford to buy their own and the poor don't need any. 20) You have to believe that the lumber from the last one percent of old growth U.S. forests is well worth the destruction of those forests and the extinction of the several species of plants and animals therein. 21) You have to believe that we should forgive and pray for Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde, and Bob Livingston for their marital infidelities, but that that bastard Clinton should be impeached.

Great ones. #11 was rip-roaringly funny, as well as #8, #13 and #19. :-)

They were all fantastic, Mari. And sadly they're mostly true or not too far away *sigh*. Going to cut-and-paste to my American friends :-)

There is no end to this... How the Grinch Stole the Election by Frank Kammuso & H. Seely Every Chad_ Down in Chad-ville_ Liked voting a lot ..._ But the Grinch,_ Who lived just north of Chad-ville_ Did NOT!_ _ The Grinch hated voting! He thought it a bore._ Now, please don't ask why. Could be Bush, could be Gore._ It could be his heart bled with liberal mush._ It could be, perhaps, that he listened to Rush._ But I think the real reason his trust was so shattered_ Was the great Grinchy view that his vote never mattered._ _ BUT_ Whatever the reason,_ Lack of trust, lack of goals,_ The Grinch dreaded that day when Chads went to the polls._ He just hated those speeches and negative ads,_ And when push came to shove, he just hated the Chads._ He just hated their theme parks, their football-team rooters,_ He just hated their gun laws, their barmaids at Hooters._ He just hated their weather, even hated their hate._ And he hated that they were a battleground state._ _ "So they're making their choices," he snarled with a sneer._ "This 'Decision Two Thousand' is practically here!_ "They'll struggle to choose 'tween a crumb and a bum,_ " 'Cause a voter's a voter, no matter how dumb."_ Then he growled, his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,_ "I MUST find a way to keep outcomes from coming!"_ _ For tomorrow, he knew ..._ All the flag-waving souls,_ Would again waste their efforts on Clintons or Doles._ And by then, oh, the polls! Oh, the polls! Polls! Polls! Polls!_ That's the one thing he hated! The POLLS! POLLS! POLLS! POLLS!_ _ So the Chads, rich and poor, and by bus, car, or boat,_ They would vote! And they'd vote!_ And they'd VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!_ They would vote to ban smoking or clearing your throat._ They would even vote laws in for curbing your goat._ _ And THEN ..._ They'd sing that anthem. It always came later._ Be they Bush-ites or Gore-ites or ites of Ralph Nader._ They'd stand close together, and though still full of fight,_ They'd stand and they'd sing, by that dawn's early light._ _ And the more the Grinch thought of Election Day's ring,_ The more the Grinch thought, "I must stop this whole thing!_ "Why, for two hundred years I've put up with it now!_ "I MUST stop these outcomes from coming!_ "... But HOW?"_ _ Then he got an idea!_ Yes, a legal idea!_ THE GRINCH_ GOT AN AWFUL BUT LEGAL IDEA!_ _ "I know just what to do!" The Grinch laughed with a jig._ And he wove from his goat a Sam Donaldson wig._ And into the mirror he spoke with grand rancor,_ "With this helmet of hair, they'll all think I'm an anchor!"_ _ "All I need are some ballots ..."_ The Grinch looked around._ But since ballots were private, there were none to be found._ So he made his own ballot, printing letters quite little,_ And he scattered the names, running holes down the middle,_ And he stuck it together with Chad-berry spittle._ And he said, "They'll need Einstein to figure this riddle!"_ _ THEN He loaded his boxes, and without looking nervous_ Put a sign on his van that said "Voter News Service."_ THEN_The Grinch pulled away in his van with a screech_ Toward the pads of the Chads in a place called "Palm Beach."_ _ When he came to the first polling place in the square,_ All the lines were quite long. Thoughtful talk filled the air,_ As the Chads chatted merits of managed health care._ "Vote early and often," the Grinch said with a grin._ And he marched to the front of the line and stepped in._ _ There he left all his ballots, the strange ones with punches,_ And instructions that said, "Please punch punches in bunches."_ As he slunk out the door toward the nearest Grand Hyatt,_ He could hear what you'd think was an Eli�n riot._ The Cohens-sisters Esther, Mitzi, and Shannon,_ Just realized their votes had all gone to Buchanan!_ _ At a place in Dade County near a middle-school yard,_ The Grinch donned a shirt that said, "Polling Place Guard."_ And he eyeballed each Chad and said, "Where is your card?_ "Voter card? Motor card? Credit card? Diner's?_ "Face card? Race card? Baseball card? Shriners?"_ And he turned them away. Then the Grinch, like a fox,_ Stuffed all of his ballots and locked the lockbox!_ _ Then old Grinch returned home to go "LIVE" on TV._ He had waited quite late: (It was now eight oh three.)_ So the Grinch Network News first projected a score:_ "Now with one percent in, we pick Chad-ville for GORE."_ Every Gore-ite in Chad-ville said, "GIVE US SOME MORE!" _ _ So he pulled more projections straight out of his stack._ Then, "Oh, dear!" said the Grinch, "I must take it all back!"_ So the Grinch Network News, in grand fairness to all_ Now reported that Chad-ville was "TOO CLOSE TO CALL."_ _ "Don't be mad, all you Chads, for this isn't a scandal,_ "It was just," the Grinch said, "we forgot the Panhandle._ "The science of sampling can leave one out-simpled."_ So the Chads were left hanging and pregnant and dimpled._ And the stress of it all made George Bush boiled and pimpled! _ _ Then the Grinch raised a finger for the night's final push._ "Election Day's done, and the winner is BUSH."_ After all, George was leading at least by a dozen._ (And whenever it's close, always go with your cousin.)_ "Play the music, the songs, pop the corks, sing the praises,_ " 'Cause with Bush as the winner, you're all getting raises!"_ And then the Grinch yawned, "This election stuff's hokey,_ Good-bye 'till next year! And now back to you, Cokie."_ _ And the Grinch, he went back to his old Grinchy pad._ But en route, he was nabbed by a little Chad lad_ Who had stayed up all night (quite ignoring his dad)._ He stared at the Grinch and said, "Sir, who's our leader?_ "Is it Bush? Is it Gore? Or, my choice, Derek Jeter?" _ And the Grinch simply smiled: This day couldn't be sweeter._ _ They were finding out now that no outcome was coming!_ They were seeing it now, all their dumbness and dumbing._ "They're just waking up!" he said. "Here's what they'll do!_ "Their mouths will hang open a minute or two_ "And the Chads down in Chad-ville will all cry, 'WE'LL SUE!' " _ _ As he stared down at Chad-ville, the Grinch popped his eyes,_ But the scene that he saw brought a shocking surprise._ All the Chads down in Chad-ville, Chad lads and Chad dads,_ They were counting the votes, they were counting the chads!_ He hadn't stopped an outcome from coming._ IT CAME!_ SOMEHOW OR ANOTHER, IT CAME JUST THE SAME!_ _ As the Grinch with his head buried deep in the sand_ Sat puzzling and puzzling, "They will count them by hand?"_ Yes, it came with the lawsuits, it came with the lawyers,_ It came with Tim Russert, it came with Bill Moyers._ When the ballots were plucked and the counting was done_ The last margin of victory turned out to be ... ONE!_ And if the Grinch had just voted,_ ... HIS GUY WOULD HAVE WON!_ And what happened then ..._ Well ..._In Chad-ville they say _ That the Grinch's small district_ Grew three sizes that day._ _ 'Cause the minute his mood had come out of its slump,_ The Grinch said, "Hmm! I could be running this dump!"_ So he formed a committee to do all the work _ And he ...HE HIMSELF!_ The Grinch ran for town clerk! _

The people who vote decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything. ---Josef Stalin.

The average man votes below himself; he votes with half a mind or a hundredth part of one. A man ought to vote with the whole of himself, as he worships or gets married. A man ought to vote with his head and heart, his soul and stomach, his eye for faces and his ear for music; also (when sufficiently provoked) with his hands and feet. If he has ever seen a fine sunset, the crimson colour of it should creep into his vote... The question is not so much whether only a minority of the electorate votes. The point is that only a minority of the voter votes. -G. K. Chesterton

(MarciaH)The people who vote decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything. ---Josef Stalin. Love it! Is this a true quote?

It is one of those quotes supplied to me by an email service, and they have many resources available. Yes, I do believe it is a true quote. Frightening, is it not?! That is one of the reasons we have our President's actions subject to approval of the Congress ( both The Senate and The House of Representatives) - It renders it less likely that rampant arrogance will go unobstructed by an egomaniac or fool in the White House.

NEW FLORIDA SLOGANS... FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive. FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction. FLORIDA: We count more than you do. FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states. FLORIDA: We've been Gored by the bull of politics and we're Bushed. FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, ReVote. FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again! FLORIDA: What comes after 17,311? FLORIDA: Where our vote counts and counts and counts. FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us. FLORIDA: We don't just cheat in football. FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!

TOP 10 SIGNS PEOPLE ARE SICK OF HEARING ABOUT THE ELECTION TOP 10 SIGNS PEOPLE ARE SICK OF HEARING ABOUT THE ELECTION 10. In order to boost up ratings, the evening news is airing re-runs. 9. Psychiatrists report an increase of "Chad"-related suicides. 8. Bush now claims that his middle initial stands for "Whatever." 7. The headline in the morning paper reads "Same Shit, Different Day." 6. Hospital patients who have recently come out of a coma are asking doctors to help them go back into one. 5. Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris suggests replacing vote re-count with more expedient "paper-scissor-rock" method. 4. Making a public appearance together, Ehud Barak and Yasser Arafat beg the U.S. to "settle this thing already." 3. A frustrated Lieberman remarks that even "Chanukah doesn't last this long." 2. No longer willing to fight for a re-vote, Palm Beach residents claim that they will settle for a new season of "Matlock." 1. Marching on Capitol Hill, protesters shout, "Bring back Monica!"

This is a really entertaining election... I love some of those slogans, Marcia, and that #7 sign is tops! :-)

I wanted to post Dave Barry s comment from yesterday s Miami Herald but it has not been put up yet. It was so funny! As you know he is a Floridian. In fact, he lives close to my house.

Dave kill me, he is so funny! Please post it if you see it first. I can hardly wait!!!

I just got it from a reliable source that this is going to be G. W. Bush's Inaugural Address Song (to the tune of "What a Wonderful World" by Sam Cooke) Don't know much about history Don't know much foreign policy Don't remember how I got through school I'm sure I didn't break the rules But what's it matter 'cause my granny says "Boy, if you want to you can be the prez And what a wonderful world this will be" Don't know much about the women's vote Don't know much about the bill I wrote Don't know much about the foreign vets I've never voted for 'em yet But I do know if your dad tries hard He can get you in the National Guard And what a wonderful place that can be Now I never claimed to be an A student But what's wrong with C's? And maybe by knowing the names of my cabinet I can win their love for me Don't know much about air pollution Don't know much about the constitution Don't know much about th'economy It never much affected me But there's one thing that I know for sure If the rich stay rich and the poor stay poor What a wonderful world this will be Don't know much about the national debt I've never had to pay one yet If we need to we can sell the States To the Japanese at discount rates But I do know if things get bad Dick and I can always call my dad And what a wonderful world this will be

:-)

That Marci has some good sources!

Loved it. I knew the tune as sung by Paul Simon, who's Sam Cooke?

Did Paul Simon do that one? Sam Cooke was from the 1960s (maybe); his version is the most famous. If you've ever seen the movie Witness with Harrison Ford, they use this song in the barn scene, where he's trying to fix his car and then dances with Kelly McGinnis, the Amish woman.

I saw the movie, but don't remember the soundtrack :-) Yes, Paul definitely sang it.

FOUR YEARS LATER: December 30, 2004 / Washington, D.C. (Associated Press) After four years of legal wrangling, George W. Bush was finally declared the winner of the 2000 presidential election yesterday. Bush, a Republican, will take the oath of office at noon today and serves until Jan. 20, 2005, a term of about three weeks. Then he gives way to the winner of the 2004 presidential election, New York Sen. Hillary Rodham Greenspan (formerly Clinton). Facing a drastically shortened presidency, Bush attempted to strike an optimistic tone last night. "We have a lot to accomplish in the next three weeks," Bush said. "Reforming Social Security alone is probably going to eat up four-five hours. Let's get to work!" Aides yesterday were calling temporary employment agencies in a frantic effort to fill Cabinet posts. Bush's victory ends a four-year court battle between him and Democratic candidate Al Gore over the results of the 2000 election. While the dispute raged on, the nation installed an interim president - New York Yankees Manager Joe Torre. Torre admitted that running a country and a baseball team simultaneously has been a strain. "At times, it's been difficult to keep the two things straight. Although, in retrospect, trading Jesse Helms to the Red Sox turned out OK." Torre's four years in office were marked by continued prosperity at home and relative calm abroad. His most controversial move was appointing Yankees bench coach Don Zimmer to the Supreme Court. Critics charged that Zimmer lacked experience. He also spit tobacco juice on Antonin Scalia's shoes, angering conservatives. Torre's boldest foreign policy initiative was making Cuba the 51st state in an effort to improve U.S. pitching. Torre was planning to vacate the White House by midnight tonight, with Bush moving in immediately. Eager to give an aura of permanency to his three-week administration, Bush rebuffed suggestions that he sleep on a bare mattress on the floor and live out of suitcases. Gore, meanwhile, has yet to concede defeat. The former vice president issued a statement today saying, "It would be improper and disrespectful to the democratic process to act hastily before all the facts are known." The legal tangle over the 2000 election began with a Gore lawsuit over the confusing design of ballots in Florida. When the courts sided with Gore, Bush filed suit, arguing that the Oregon results were invalid because some ballots were yellow and others pink. Gore countersued, charging that the West Virginia results should be thrown out because some people failed to receive "I Voted Today" stickers. Through the years, various officials proposed compromises to resolve the impasse. All were rejected, including: * Establishing a co-presidency, with the two men sharing duties and splitting the White House. Although never implemented, the idea gave rise to a hit TV show, East Wing, West Wing. * Establishing temporarily separate nations, with each candidate ruling the states he won in the 2000 election. Gore, who failed to carry his native Tennessee, balked at the idea because it would mean showing a passport every time he went home. * Letting Jimmy Carter sort it all out. Observers said the biggest challenge for the Bush administration will be working with Congress, which adjourns tomorrow and isn't expected back until after Bush's term ends. "One day may not be quite enough time to overhaul the tax system," a Bush aide admitted. "But maybe we can get started and then finish it later with a big conference call or something." Meanwhile, Bush also must work on his legacy and prepare to transfer power to President-elect Greenspan. She yesterday wished Bush well and asked if she could start moving some boxes into the White House basement.

"At times, it's been difficult to keep the two things straight. Although, in retrospect, trading Jesse Helms to the Red Sox turned out OK." "One day may not be quite enough time to overhaul the tax system," a Bush aide admitted. "But maybe we can get started and then finish it later with a big conference call or something." LOL! Don Zimmer on the Supreme Court! Ha! He used to be a coach for the Cubs. Good one, Marsh. BTW, looks like the Florida Supreme Court has just breathed some major life into Gore's position.

Yeah, when I got this forwarded to me - about 4 years from now... it somehow sounded a little less ridiculous than it would have a month ago. Glad we ae at least laughing about it - it keeps us sane!

Now that it's settled in the US, why not send Al Gore to us? We are about to have our presidential elections too and may need help with the recounts ;-) Actually, we do re-votes when in doubt.

http://www.hugedisk.com/story.asp?ar_id=57