Thank you, ladies, for a terrific birthday party, and thank you, Karen, for getting Drool back on line this morning and keeping everything running along all day. :-) TITwillow twitters, "Ta-ta and good night."

Well Colin, another year has gone by and you still seem to be having issues when it comes to choosing film roles. This year I've decided to send you a little help in the form of a personal guru! Guru: How can I be of service? Me: Colin needs your help. The two of you have long been on parallel career paths but lately he has made some bad choices. You both have a lot in common and with your recent Hollywood success, I thought you'd be the perfect one to guide Colin down the path of enlightenment. Guru: We have a lot in common? Me: Yes, you both prefer the quirky independent film roles. You both prefer roles with less dialogue. Both of you strive to keep your private life private - and normal. You both play the guitar to relax. You both have portrayed disturbed men in a David Koepp film. Both of you do a great Harry Potter impersonation. You both still manage to look sexy wearing Elvis sideburns - even while bathing? Guru: What exactly is he doing in that bathtub? Is he grieving or... EEWWWWWW! Me: Never mind that! Will you take the job? Guru: Can you afford my fee? I made 92 million dollars alone for the second Pirate movie. Me: Yes, I know... That is taken care of. I've entered you in the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes. You might already be a winner! Guru: That sweepstakes is only for 10 million. How are you going to pay the other 82? Me: I've entered you 10 times. The way I see it, if you win, you owe me an 8 million-dollar rebate. Guru: What is really terrifying is that logic almost makes sense... Oh well, anything to help a fellow Brit! Me: I don't know if anyone has told you, but you're not British... A short while later: Guru: Knock, knock Colin: Who's there? Depp:It is I, Johny Depp. I've been hired to be your personal guru! Colin: Oh! Yes, I was told you were coming. Depp: I've recently become a Hollywood success and still managed to keep some self-respect and you can too! We just need too figure out what I've done in my career that you haven't. Depp: For example, I started out playing a cop on a TV show. Colin: Me too! Depp: One of my first films was a teen sex romp. Colin: Mine too. Depp: Since then I have worked with some respectable actors: Brando, Pacino... Colin: O'Toole, Olivier... Depp: Judi Dench? Colin: Twice! Depp: I've been privileged to star in films with beautiful dialogue. What about you? Colin: Have you seen the Last Legion? Depp: No. Audience: Neither did anyone else. To be continued

Depp: Seriously? No one bothered to warn you about Joan Rivers? Dude! Depp: Oh! We're back! Maybe it's a karma thing... Have you tried mentoring a talented young actor? I have Freddy Highmore. Colin: I have Thomas Sangster. Depp: (Screams) Devil child! Depp: I know! Let's try an acting exercise! Pretend that Quentin Tarantino has asked you to star in another Kill Bill movie. This is Bill - now kill him! Colin: That's not Bill, it is Thomas Depp: For this exercise we are calling him Bill. Work with me! Audience: Kill Bill! Kill Bill! Colin: I just can't... Audience: %*&#^$^@! Depp: I've got it! I wear odd hats, maybe you should try it. Audience: groans Depp: Umm, I made 92 million dollars last year for a Pirate sequel. Have you ever tried working in a sequel? Colin: I was in Bridget Jones II... Wait, did you say 92 million? I don't think even Hugh Grant got paid that much... Maybe I *should* consider a third Bridget movie. Audience: HELL NO! Depp: What about your athletic skills? How's your sword fighting? Colin: Excellent! Any idea why we are dueling? Depp: It appears the author is having a Mr. Darcy vs. a pirate fantasy. I'm worried that she might like you better and have me fall and be pierced by your enchanted sword. Depp:You'll always be Mr. Darcy to me... Audience: Oh goodie! Slash! Author: Stop it! That wasn't in the script! Depp: She's no fun... Colin:I am an excellent horse rider -are you? Depp: Not bad Audience: Why can't we get Colin to ride in the buff? Depp: Speaking of nudity, I've bared my bottom in a movie. Colin: Me too -more than that even! Have you ever seen the German version of Playmaker? Depp: Hmm, this gives me an idea! My pirate of questionable sexuality did wonders for my career. 92 million wonders! Colin: I know, you've mentioned it -besides, I've played a homosexual before. Depp: Yeah? Well, I had a controversial sex film last year! Colin: Me too - I gave Kevin Bacon one too many thrusts. Depp: Really? I haven't done that yet. Someone call my agent! Depp:(scratches head) Umm, How's your on screen kissing talent? Colin: I've had lessons... To be continued

Depp: Hmmm...I've worked with some quirky, yet talented Directors. What about you? Colin:(Laughs) ummm...well... Depp: Let's try another exercise! This time you are in a remake of the Wizard of Oz. You are Dorothy and your goal is to tell all those freeloaders that you meet on the road to get lost. This will enable you to get to Oscar - oops - I meant Oz - faster and make it home to Kansas before dinner. I borrowed your neighbor's dog. He can play Toto. Colin: Why am I in drag? Depp: Would your wife mind if I borrowed this dress? You're in drag so you can get in touch with your feminine side! I dress up as a woman all the time in my films and I thought you should try it. Audience: NO! Depp: OK, here come your freeloaders - remember to just say no. Mike Binder: If I only had a brain... Atom Egoyan: If I only had an R... Beeban Kidron: If only someone would have had the courage to fire me from the sequel... Marc Evans:(monkey chatter) Colin: BAD DOG! The tin man will rust! Colin: These guys look promising. I think I'd prefer to befriend them rather than tell them no... Audience: He just doesn't get it... Depp: Look, another one of those flying monkeys has come to hinder your career! Allow me to remove him for you. Depp: I'm running out of ideas... Perhaps we need to focus on the future. I am starring in a musical and broadening my horizons. I'm playing Sweeney Todd. Meat pie? Colin: Thank you. I am singing in a musical too. Going to play a dancing queen actually. Umm, this meat pie tastes like Thomas Sangster. Depp: No it doesn't... Colin: Yes, look there I just bit into one of his beady little eyes... Depp: I give up! Later: Guru: Here is your 92 million dollars back. I don't think I got through to him. Me: This is why I bought a back-up gift. It's a special edition game of Operation so he can practice taking pacemakers out of dead bodies. Guru: I'm sorry that I wasn't much of a help to your cause. Me: Oh, I don't care about the cause. I only gave him a gift so he'd notice me. Guru: ... Audience: Not to worry, we chipped in and got Colin another guru. His tactics are less subtle than Depp's. Matt Foley: You'll think differently when you're living in A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER! The end Disclaimer: No animals or annoying child actors were harmed in the making of this birthday story

OMG, Joy!! Maria and I are ROTFLOAO!!!! Way too hysterical!! *clap, clap* TITS!!, LOL!! Last minute thoughts and deadlines were always my best inspiration also. We're sorry we missed the controversial picture though. :-( Linda, you naughty minx. ;-) Just catching up....sorry we missed most of the festivities. Looks like it was fun.

Meant to say last night (but distracted capturing Nessie) Lisa, I loved your dancing pic. Was the Bollywood style intentional? It was too funny ;-) Maryjoy, Excellent, what can I say, almost spat out my banana this morning, way too funny. Thanks for a great party, ladies! back in a mo, with an exlusive offer, available only to Spring ladies!

Before Colin pulled the plug on his dramatic bath performance last night. Being 'Eco' friendly, waste not, want not! He insisted on bottling the props. 'Hot off', the production line (Production for Spring, being top notch, gold plate!) the first wave has been offered to the ladies of Spring! So, it's up for grabs ladies! Hurry! whilst stocks last! Psst! One luck Spring lady (mention no name as this is *live*!) whom claimed the water as her keep! gets a complimentary free bottle, with Colin's compliments! ;-)

Ops!

Am turning into a morning serial poster ;-) Also meant to say Thanks, Boss, for the Nighty, night organic herbal! I sure needed it, after Linda's shocker ;-) Psst, Linda! due to technical glitches........ wanted to let you know, I emailed the other day, hope it got through?

That was amazing Mary Joy! And the bit you decided not to include was pretty funny as well!!.

Holy private/public confusion, Batman. That photo was meant for private party consumption, only! Blame it on Moon, she got me going with the sex toys!;-))

Hi Mary Joy! Great post to find first thing in the morning, and I loved the Wizard of Oz "Mike Binder: If I only had a brain...etc." ROFLMAO!!!! Perfect!

Joy, what a wonderfully creative mind you have. Fantastic from start to finish. You deserve a complimentary bottle of Colin bath water. Sue, will you arrange that? :-)

lol, Kathryn, I'm sure I can rustle up a bottle for Joy. I still need to supply our frend with her complimentary bottle, over on keeps. Let me check the stock level and get back to you ;-)

Mike Binder: If I only had a brain... Atom Egoyan: If I only had an R... Beeban Kidron: If only someone would have had the courage to fire me from the sequel... Marc Evans:(monkey chatter) *snort* You know my adoration for the first guy, in particular, though I'm told Atom is quite nice. Joy, your Wizard of Oz was great! And Toto too! Devil Child Meat Pies? Sounds good to me! Sue, your bottled water flying off store shelves!

I am only just catching up to the party now, but Joy, OMIGOD! Too funny! Tom Sangster meat pies from the Demon Barber of Fleet Street. Colin as Dorothy. All this and Matt Foley, too.:-) Mike Binder: If I only had a brain... Atom Egoyan: If I only had an R... Beeban Kidron: If only someone would have had the courage to fire me from the sequel... Marc Evans:(monkey chatter) Brilliant!:-)

Colin, I too saw the Premiere of "And When Did You Last See Your Father" at EIFF on 23rd August. I totally reiterate Felicity's words. Your performance of Blake was outstanding,with full range of emotions. Felt like I was actually there, experiencing Blake's pain! I thereby award you with Sue's special Oscar and Bafta Award! OK, my version might only be gold foil coated candy, but you certainly are deserving of the *real deal* with this role. Excellent!

Yes, indeed, best wishes to Mr. Firth. Now, Joy, that was brilliant, I can't even pick just one to comment on. (Linda), Blame it on Moon, she got me going with the sex toys!;-)) LOL! No way in hell are you going to blame that on me. Great party favors, Sue. And another wonderful party to remember. Thank you ladies!

Moon! I've been meaning to ask, which album did you give Colin this year? did I miss it?

I do give Colin albums every year, because he liked Wilco's last one so much, I have given him: Post War by M.Ward Soul Parade by Jesse DiNatale Volta by Bjork Enjoy, Colin!

Cheers! Moon, I wondered whether you would give Spoon's new one, "GA GA GA GA GA" ;-) BTW, Moon, loved your "Getting it on for the good of the planet" I laughed out loud whilst reading. DH thought I had gone Ga Ga..... ;-) No offense intended, Colin, my question about the new Spoon album (which btw, is pretty good, actually ;-)) was quite genuine ;-)

Moon! I hope you won't mind if I add the ga,ga,ga,ga, ga album to Colin's album collectoin? http://www.mergerecords.com/gagagajuke/

By all means, add to the collection, Sue. Sue), BTW, Moon, loved your "Getting it on for the good of the planet" I laughed out loud whilst reading. There is nothing greener than Greenpeace. A little print out they can place on the table with the books at Eco. ;-D The new Spoon still has to grow on me, but I love the fourth song.

Lol, Moon, they could make a laminate of it ;-) I know what you mean about the new Spoon album. It's not an immediate favorite with me either. A little too mainstream really.

(Felicity) And the bit you decided not to include was pretty funny as well!!. LOL, and that was the edited version. ;-) Thank you everyone! Great party this year! I'm sorry I'm a little behind on my comments. Karen, I love your opening! Perfect! Those disguises you gave Colin will probably give me nightmares, lol. Kathryn, you are a true poet! Barbara and Evelyn: I agree, Colin needs to sign up for more action films! Sue, Wow! I love your animated bathtub and Nessie sighting! I really want a bottle of that water if there is one available! Lisa, those dreads and Disco Colin are too funny! Hope he never goes for either look in real life, LOL. Moon, Thank you for the environment friendly sex tips. I'm afraid you might have started a strange Eco fetish. Call me immoral, but I just don't think I can work up a fantasy involving Al Gore. ;-) Linda, That was certainly unique... I don't think I will ever again be able to borrow another person's cell phone to make a call. ;-)

I missed Linda's unique party favor :( Can someone please describe it? Is this topic private again?

What wonderful imaginations you have ladies! Great work! Linda, you're a bad girl - put me off using my mobile. Eewwww!!

(Tina) Can someone please describe it? Is this topic private again? This topic is still public. If Linda wants to describe it or post it again (temporarily), go over to the Help topic and then I'll delete it later. [So that means, Kathryn, stay away from Help for a bit.]

The weirdest thing is I can't even figure out what words Linda used to Google that image. ;-)

(Karen) So that means, Kathryn, stay away from Help for a bit. Will do. :-)

(Karen)The weirdest thing is I can't even figure out what words Linda used to Google that image. ;-) Yeah Linda could you just gives us the words and then anyone who really needs to see it can google it for themselves!

(Karen)The weirdest thing is I can't even figure out what words Linda used to Google that image. ;-) Simply, can you hear me now. I was actually looking for the Verizon guy and something to get my post going, as I had no idea what I was going to do with that theme. All very innocent and in keeping with the original topic at hand. I saved it and when I went back days later I couldn't find it. But the url, LOL was Wowands**t.com I haven't been to that site, but I can only imagine. Uh, if you're going to that website the ** are not stars, obviously. (Karen)If Linda wants to describe it or post it again (temporarily). LOL, no way can I put that into words, Karen. It was so offensive, I offended myself:-)))))))) Not! However, given the topic, and finding that photo with the exact caption of our theme--I couldn't resist. But, next time, if we're in "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" mode then I need warning that we're not in Vegas anymore;-) But, I have had several requests for it so if you e-mail me Tina and Felicity I'll send you the link. You're on your own.

No please don't send me the link...

Here's a little something for those still suffering the aftershock of Linda's 'mobile phone/cellphone' post ;-)) Hey! The Spring Bathwater Store is now open. Come on in Ladies, the waters fine! :-)

Sue, do you accept PayPal?? I want to order.

Damn...I never saw Linda's pic...that's what I get for scrolling through long posts. I'll pass on the bath water, but Linda pl send me the link.

LOL, Sue, does that water come in gallons?

PS,pssst... Linda, I promise not to tell the nuns;-)

Waters from the Spring! That's great, Sue. Maybe I should add your new item "Blake Morrison bathwater" to the Boutique. ;-)

Hey,one thing I want to know--is this water Green and Eco friendly? Another product for Rupe to add to his sales pitch;-) (Evelyn) Linda, I promise not to tell the nuns;-) ROTF, it's not the nuns I'm worried about;-))

Lol, Karen, not so sure the *real* Blake Morrison's bathwater would sell, but it's a fair bet some Colin Firth bathwater might be a winner ;-) (Linda) does that water come in gallons? 'Spring waters' always listens to customer feedback ;-)

(Linda)Hey,one thing I want to know--is this water Green and Eco friendly? Hey, Linda! weren't you paying attention 'Spring Waters' original sales pitch? ;-) ;-) Before Colin pulled the plug on his dramatic bath performance last night. Being 'Eco' friendly, waste not, want not! He insisted on bottling the props.

Then it must be in limited supply, but there may have been an unusually large number of takes...to get it just right. ;-)

Lol,Karen ;-D

(Sue)Hey, Linda! weren't you paying attention 'Spring Waters' original sales pitch? LOL, No. My mind was otherwise, engaged;-)