News That Doesn't Fit

Laser stands for light amplification by stimulated emission of radiation. Brandy is from the Dutch brandewijn, meaning burnt or distilled wine. The most abundant metal in the Earth's crust is aluminium. The largest wave ever recorded was near the Japanese Island of Ishigaki in 1971 at 85 meters high. Fulgurite is formed when lightning strikes sand. At the nearest point, Russia and America are less than 4 km apart. The Channel between England and France grows about 300 millimeters each year. Mars has a volcano, Olympus Mons, which is 310-370 miles in diameter and 16 miles high. The statue "The Thinker" by Rodin is actually a portrait of the Italian poet Dante. X-ray technology has shown that there are 3 different versions of the "Mona Lisa" under the visible one.

WHAT IS THE HIGHEST-SCORING PRO BASKETBALL GAME TO DATE? A 1983 game in which the Detroit Pistons beat the Denver Nuggets, 186-183. WHAT IS CHARLIE BROWN'S FATHER'S PROFESSION? Barber. WHAT ARE SUPERMAN'S SUPER POWERS? He is virtually invulnerable (with Kryptonite being his major weakness; its rays are fatal to him); he is super-strong, super-fast, and supersmart; he can fly; he has heat vision, X-ray vision, telescopic vision, and microscopic vision; he has quick-freezing, gale-force breath; he has supersensitive hearing; and he can hold his breath for long periods. HOW MANY MINKS DOES IT TAKE TO PRODUCE THE AVERAGE MINK COAT? It takes 35 to 65. The numbers for other types of fur coats are: Beaver - 15 Fox - 15 to 25 Ermine - 150 Chinchilla - 60 to 100

YEARLY INTERNET MAINTENANCE ANNOUNCEMENT IT IS URGENT THAT YOU DO NOT CONNECT TO THE INTERNET FROM MARCH 31st 23:59 GMT (11:59 PM) UNTIL 00:01 GMT (12:01 AM) APRIL 2nd. It's that time again. As many of you know, each year the Internet must be closed down for a 24 hour period of time in order to receive maintenance, or a "Tune Up" if you will. Many dead links on the World Wide Web will be removed, as well as ftp links that are no longer used. Lost e-mail will also be removed from the system at this time. The White House is very interested in this part of the project. In addition to the normal maintenance to be completed this year, we will also be using new high pressure information jets to clear out the bottlenecks that have plagued the internet so greatly this past year. Although the down time for maintenance will be an inconvenience for many people, you will find this will allow for a much more efficient and faster responding internet. This year, the "Tune Up" will occur from 23:59 GMT (11:59 PM) on March 31st until 00:01 GMT (12:01 AM) on April 2nd. During that 24 hour period, dozens of powerful Internet bots at key locations around the globe will simultaneously scan the Internet and complete the desired maintenance jobs wherever they may be required. To help protect any valuable data you may have on the Internet from possible corruption, we highly recommend you take the following steps before this 24 hour maintenance period begins: 1. Disconnect all terminals and LANs from the Internet. 2. Disconnect all Internet servers from the Internet. 3. Refrain from connecting any computer, or any other Internet connection device, to the Internet in any way. Note: The term "other Internet connection device" includes such devices as WebTV. Again, we understand the inconvenience this will cause many people. And for that, we apologize. However, the great increase in Internet performance you will experience after this short period of maintenance, will far outweigh any problems it will cause. This message comes to you from the Internet via an Internet Service Provider. April 1, 2000

APRIL IS... April is . . . . National Anxiety Month April is . . . . National Humor Month April is . . . . National Welding Month April 1 is . . . One Cent Day April 2 is . . . National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day April 3 is . . . Don't Go To Work Unless It's Fun Day April 4 is . . . Tell-A-Lie Day April 7 is . . . No Housework Day April 9 is . . . Winston Churchill Day and Name Yourself Day April 11 is . . . Eight-Track Tape Day April 12 is . . . Look Up At The Sky Day April 13 is . . . Blame Somebody Else Day April 16 is . . . National Stress Awareness Day April 17 is . . . National Cheeseball Day April 19 is . . . Garlic Day April 22 is . . . National Jelly Bean Day April 23 is . . . Read Me Day and World Laboratory Animal Day April 24 is . . . National Pigs In A Blanket Day April 28 is . . . Great Poetry Reading and Kiss-Your-Mate Day April 30 is . . . National Honesty Day *** ----------- Love Lost Over Daylight-Savings Time ----------- MEXICO CITY - Debate flares over the adoption of daylight- savings time in Mexico. Among the evils of daylight-savings enumerated by Mexican Senator Felix Salgado is the strain it puts on good marital relations. Ever since it was introduced, six years ago, setting the clock back has caused distress among Latin lovers who are unable to engage in their 'mananero' (Spanish for morning quickie - really!) because wives have to take their children to school an hour earlier. In Salgado's defense, he also mentions the risk that school- children face, venturing out on crime-ridden streets in the dark, but with elections just months away he's focusing on the issues that really hit home. ----------------- "Rail Rage" Grips Brazil ----------------- SAO PAULO - This story is dedicated to the disenfranchised huddled masses, urban weary, and loose canons of the rush hour world. Enraged commuters from Sao Paulo waited hours before boarding a suburban train where they were crammed in, and forced so sit motionless for hours. When all patience was finally exhausted, the passengers abandoned the train and promptly set it on fire. A local news helicopter recorded a view showing the chain of smoking cars; some already in ashes. [The unruly mob is available for hire and offer group discounts]. ---------------------- Feng "SCHWING" ---------------------- LONDON - Move over Viagra, we've found the newest trend for putting the tiger back in your tank; Feng Shui! According to 32-year-old Karen May who wrote The London Mirror, redecorating and furniture placement changed her austere celibate lifestyle into a searing pit of sexual satisfaction. Simple changes like moving the bed so the headboard faces Southwest, and painting the bedroom walls red with flaming orange hues eliminated the "dead energy" that plagued her apartment. She finished off the room with a sprinkling of magic gems, and before she knew it; she met the man of her dreams. [Actually, this isn't so far fetched. My wife fell for my magic gems.] --------------- Things Go Better With...Sake --------------- SAPPORO, Japan - A children's baseball manager has finally been sent to jail after a lengthy appeal process. Manager Motoi Tanaka has been convicted of contributing to the delinquency of seven minors after getting them drunk on the Japanese rice wine called sake. After his team won a local championship he celebrated by giving them the sake. All of the ball players were eleven and twelve-year-olds. ---------------- Pervert Teachers In Japan ----------------- TOKYO, Japan - A shocking new study has revealed that one out of seven school girls in the seventh and eighth grades have been sexually harassed by male teachers. The study, conducted by the Teachers Union, has created an uproar after the revelations that teachers have been hitting on these young girls by offering them "geisha-like massages", asking them out on dates, and making the girls bend down to pick up pencils conveniently dropped on the ground. ---------------- Mowing Under The Influence ---------------- BEMENT, IL - The ever vigilant eyes of the law found the next big threat to democracy; the John Deere riding mower. Joe Durban, town lawnmower, was pulled off of his bright yellow seat as he cruised down Bowyer Street for driving a vehicle on a revoked license. For seventeen years nobody knew that the state had revoked Joe's license for drunk driving, so he worked around this snag by cutting grass for a living, and riding his mower between houses. Officer Steven Bien was quick to end his crime spree by issuing a ticket and reminding him that it is illegal for him to operate even a scooter on a city thoroughfare. The town is now in an official uproar, but can do little about it as Bien is the town's only full-time police officer. [What next? Impounding his weed-wacker?] Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* BRISBANE, Australia - 24 year old bachelor Stan Melson called police to his bedroom after a sexy, but inebriated lady sauntered into his bedroom, stripped naked and then crawled into bed. "I was standing there in my pajamas when suddenly this gorgeous girl I'd never seen before came bouncing into my bedroom, tore off her clothes and climbed into bed," recounted the blushing Melson. No charges were filed as she apparently lived one floor above his and simply entered the wrong apartment.

Response 15 of 15: Marcia (MarciaH) * Mon, Apr 3, 2000 (13:46) * 45 lines HOW SLOW IS A CRAB? A crab of the species Neptunus pelagines took 29 years to walk 101.5 miles underwater from the Red Sea to the Mediterranean - an average speed of 3.5 miles per year. WHAT DOES THE WORD MAFIA MEAN? WHAT DOES THE WORD COSA NOSTRA MEAN? In Italian, Mafia means "beauty, excellence, bravery"; Cosa Nostra means "our thing." WHEN WAS THE FIRST DEPARTMENT STORE BUILT? In 1848, the Marble Dry Goods Palace opened on Broadway in New York City. Its proprietor and developer was Alexander Turney Stewart, formerly a schoolmaster in Ireland. By the time of his death in 1876, the blocklong store yielded annual earnings of $70 million. WHAT IS THE SHORTEST KNOWN GESTATION PERIOD OF ANY MAMMAL? WHAT IS THE LONGEST? The American opossum, a marsupial, bears its young 12 to 13 days after conception. The Asiatic elephant takes 608 days, or just over 20 months. A pigs snout is called a gruntle. The chemical pectin, found in ripe fruit, causes jam to set when cooling. Mexican jumping beans jump because of a moth larva inside the bean. An electric eel produces an average of 400 volts. A myrmecologist studies ants. To crack a whip, the tip must be travelling faster than the speed of sound. Sugar was first added to chewing gum in 1869 by a dentist named William Semple. According to an old English system of time units, a moment is one and a half minutes. In 1855, dentist Robert Arthur was the first to use gold to fill cavities. The smallest bone in the body is the stirrup.

Because everything you read on the internet is true . . . I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's, (sent to me because I forwarded their e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken - which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC. Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.) The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped around a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of X's and O's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway, the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green M&Ms, but if you don't, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get cancer from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your wife will develop breast cancer from using the anti-perspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the government will put a tax on your e-mails forever. I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.

The average mattress contains 2 million house dust mites. No other animal gives us more by-products than the pig. The Australian Emu holds the land speed record for birds at 31 mph. The average talker sprays about 300 microscopic saliva droplets per minute, about 2.5 droplets per word. The Earth experiences about 50,000 earthquakes each year. The lowest temperature ever recorded was 129 degrees below 0 at Vostok, Antarctica, on July 21, 1983. The largest known kidney stone weighed 2.9 pounds (1.36kg). The average human produces 25,000 quarts of spit in a lifetime, enough to fill two swimming pools. It has been calculated that in the last 3,500 years, there has only been 230 years of total peace throughout the civilized world. Bamboo, which is the tallest grass in the world, can grow up to 90cm in a day.

TRIVIA TIME - Tuesday, April 4, 2000 "Items Of Enduring Insignificance" HOW DO ARCHER FISH "SHOOT" THEIR VICTIMS? Archer fish, members of the five species of the family Toxotidae, shoot arcs of water droplets at insects sitting on vegetation near lakes and streams, thereby, knocking them into the water where they become easy prey. HOW LONG DID THE SAINT VALENTINE'S DAY MASSACRE LAST? Eight minutes. Several members of the George ("Bugs") Moran gang were killed that day, February 14, 1929, along with a man in the garage who looked like Moran. Moran himself escaped the massacre to die a natural death of lung cancer on February 25, 1957. WHERE WAS THE FIRST HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION? The first such house on record may have been Ka-Kum, located in the city of Erech (or Uruk) in Sumer and dating back to about 300 B.C. The first brothels in Europe were located in Athens about 600 B.C. These nonprofit operations sanctioned by the leader Solon charged men 1 cent per visit. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MONOPOLY IN THE UNITED STATES? It is considered to have been John Jacob Astor's American Fur Company, which made him the wealthiest person in the United States and allowed him to found the Astor Library, one of the cornerstones of the New York Public Library.

Should not that Sumer house of ill-repute have been dated at 3000BC ?!

HOW MANY WINDOWS ARE THERE ON THE 102-STORY EMPIRE STATE BUILDING? There are 6,000 windows. WHAT EMPLOYEE-GROOMING REGULATION AT DISNEY WORLD WOULD PREVENT THE HIRING OF WALT DISNEY - IF HE WERE ALIVE AND JOB HUNTING TODAY? The ban of facial hair. Disney had a mustache. THE NAMES OF 48 STATES ARE ENGRAVED ON THE FRIEZE OF THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL, WHICH WAS COMPLETED IN 1922. HOW MANY ARE IN THE ETCHING OF THE MEMORIAL ON THE BACK OF THE $5 BILL? Twenty-six. Use a magnifying glass to check - they're in two rows on the frieze above the colonnade. WHERE IS THE LONGEST STREET IN THE U.S.? Los Angeles, where Figueroa Street runs for thirty miles.

Bizarre News +-------------------- Bizarre Phobias ---------------------+ Aeronaunasiphobia - fear of vomiting. Albuminurophobia - fear if kidney disease. Anglophobia - fear of England, or English culture. Anuptaphobia - fear of staying single. Arachibutyrophobia - fear of peanut-butter sticking to the roof of your mouth. Automatonophobia - fear of ventriloquist's dummies. *** ------------------- Elvis Runs For Mayor ------------------- PHILLIPS, WI - For once it's not just a sighting story. A man from Price County, WI, has legally changed his name to Elvis Aaron Presley, and is now running for mayor. This proprietor of a local bar (yes, bar), and former Elvis impersonator has decided to try his hand at politics. Inspired by Gov. Jesse Ventura, Presley said, "If the people of that state can put a wrestler in office, I don't see what's wrong with the people of Wisconsin electing an Elvis impersonator." The small town of 1,600 will choose between Presley and Keith Corcilius on April 4. [Mayor Presley's biggest hits include: You Ain't Nothin' But a Cheesehead, I'll Have a Blue Election Without You, Hunk 'o Burning Votes and, of course, Viva Wisconsin!] ----------- The Ups And Downs Of Being A Janitor ----------- BRISTOL, England - This little gem was in a local Chicago newspaper. It is not so newsworthy as it reveals a certain quirk unique to fellow English speakers across the pond. A janitor at a Marriott Hotel was fired for taking four days to clean an elevator. When asked why it took so long, before his dismissal he said, "There are twelve of them, one on each floor, and sometimes some of them are not there." He apparently thought that each floor had a different elevator and cleaned the same elevator 12 times. ---------- The Ups And Downs Of Philippino Pests ----------- MANILA, Philippines - Recently an embarrassed police chief had to explain how 1000 pounds of a combined stash of marijuana, cocaine and amphetamines could disappear from the evidence room. This enterprising chief, when confronted with the missing booty told investigators, "Rats and cockroaches got in through gaps in the locker doors and ate it all, every last scrap." [These were the same critters that ate my homework when I was a kid.] ------------ Country Music Punishes The Wicked ------------- ALEXANDRIA, LA - Violating Rapides Parish's "loud and offensive noise" ordinance is no idle threat. Henry Nelson, age 20, and Jon Driggers, age 26, pleaded guilty when they were charged with playing loud music in their cars. They were both fined, given a suspended jail sentence with probation, and ordered to endure a three-hour "music appreciation" lesson. Judge Tom Yeager said, "I thought if they had to listen to stuff they hate, it would teach them to respect other people's rights." The selected tool of torment? Country music. ------------- If You Sprinkle When You Tinkle -------------- BERLIN - The wall came down, but East Germany is haunted by the ghost of oppression past. Tenants from an eastern apartment block have been banned from urinating while in a standing position. Landlords complained that misdirected urine is causing their radiators to rust, but the men of Radenburg are not sitting for this. Cemetery worker Juergen Galler responded, "I'm not going to let anybody tell me how I take care of business. I'm going to keep on standing." Techniques for enforcing the ban might be tricky, but according to the daily Bild the landlords are quite serious. [I didn't know my wife owned property in Germany.] ----------- Errant Cop Gets Lost On Way to Station --------- PHILADELPHIA - Officer Margo Grady was on her way to deliver a rape victim from a downtown hospital to a police station a few miles away when her car disappeared into the Philadelphia night. After a couple hours city police began a search for the missing officer, even enlisting the help of a police helicopter, but to no avail. It wasn't until seventy miles later that Officer Grady flagged down a trooper in New Jersey to ask for directions. Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* Six people near Norias, Texas were hit by a freight train last week. Authorities said the victims were sleeping on the tracks and failed to wake up in time. A Union Pacific spokesman explained that the six were probably sleeping on the train tracks because they believe it would protect them from snakes... and it did.

Most of the vitamin C in fruits is in the skin. The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood up to 30 feet. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue ~ relative to its size. The "You are here" arrow on a map is called the IDEO locator. The fist product to have a bar code was Wrigleys gum. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. The highest temperature ever recorded was 136.4 degrees Fahrenheit at El Azizia, Lybia, on September 13, 1922. The world's smallest mammal is the bumblebee bat of Thailand, weighing less than a penny. Humans and Dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. The ant can lift 50 times its own weight.

Wow, if I was an ant I could lift 10,000 pounds. Wonder what IDEO stands for?

I wondered about that, as well. I'll check it out and let you know if I find anything. Nothing I can think of has initials anything even close to IDEO...

ON WHAT ISLAND ARE ONE-THIRD OF THE WORLD'S LANGUAGES SPOKEN? On New Guinea, where more than 700 distinct native languages can be heard. HOW DID THE WORLD'S HIGHEST WATERFALL - THE ANGEL FALLS IN VENEZUELA - GET ITS NAME? From American bush pilot Jimmy Angel, who crash-landed nearby in 1937. HOW TALL IS A NEWBORN GIRAFFE? Five and a half feet, head to hoof. HOW MANY TEETH DOES A TURTLE HAVE? None - turtles are toothless, although some have sharp, jagged edges on their horny jaws that function as teeth. publication http://www.shagmail.com Copyright 2000 by Pulse Direct, Inc. All rights reserved. Copyright 2000 by United Press International

A bowling pin needs to tilt only 7.5 degrees to fall. 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on TV at some point in their lives. The study of word origins is called etymology. The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes. The cells that make up the antlers of a moose are the fastest growing animal cells in nature. Gatorade was named for the University of Florida Gators where it was first developed. The oldest exposed surface on earth is New Zealand's south island. There are 1,792 steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower. If Texas were a country, it's GNP would be the fifth largest of any country on earth. At 4,145 miles, the Nile River is the longest in the world.

apes have sex for pleasure as well.... i'd like to know what ideo stands for as well... who knows, it may end up on who wants to be a millionaire!

David worked on it on and off all day and came up empty so he is emailing others in the field. I'll let you know as soon as I know.

...actually, have not had sex with an ape for ages. I forgot...*smirk*

*lol* i'm gonna try and figure it out too.

HOW LONG DID THE LONGEST WRESTLING MATCH IN OLYMPIC HISTORY LAST? 11 hours and 40 minutes. The match, a Greco-Roman middleweight bout at the 1912 Olympics, was between Estonian Martin Klein and Finn Alfred Asikainen. Klein won, but was too exhausted to compete in the final. He ended up with the silver medal; Asikainen with the bronze. WHO WAS THE FIRST MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL PLAYER TO WIN A BATTING TITLE IN THREE DIFFERENT DECADES? George Brett, of the Kansas City Royals. Third baseman Brett won the title with a .333 average in 1976, a .390 average in 1980 and a .329 average in 1990. WHAT IMMODEST TWO-WORD STATEMENT IS ON BASKETBALL GREAT MICHAEL JORDAN'S ILLINOIS VANITY LICENSE PLATE? RARE AIR. WHOSE TENNIS SERVE WAS THE FASTEST EVER RECORDED? Bill Tilden's. It was measured at 163.6 miles per hour in 1931.

Bizarre News ------------- Porn Queen Worked for Communists ------------- The dignity of Italy's government took a blow when Ilona Staller, a former Hungarian pornography star and current member of the Italian parliament, announced that she had been a communist spy in her youth. The star of numerous pornographic movies, Staller admitted in a television interview that she was recruited as a spy at age 19. Her job was to elicit information from guests staying at the hotel where she worked in Budapest. It is uncertain how this revelation will affect her political career. ------------------------ Hot Sex? -------------------------- Cancun, Mexico - Rita Garcia has fessed up after bragging to friends about how she got even with her ex. Garcia broke into her estranged husband's apartment and located unused condoms in a drawer. She carefully opened a condom and peppered chili powder in one, resealed it and waited for the results. After a moment of passion with his 19-year-old girlfriend Pedro was rushed to the hospital with his manhood on *fire*. Rita, upon her being charged with second degree assault said, "He wanted hot sex with that 19-year- old and he's now had it." -------- Man Kills Villager In Fight, Then Eats Him -------- PORT MORESBY, New Guinea - A village dispute in Papua New Guinea ended with a man tearing out the eyes, testicles and heart of another and eating them, police said on Tuesday. Villagers watched in horror as Moropia Silkapi, 35, attacked the body of Yakamup Makatu, 55, police told Reuters on Tuesday. Police said an argument between Silkapi and Makatu earlier in the day left Makatu's house burnt to the ground. After a fight, "Silkapi caught Makatu and smashed his head with a rock, killing him. He then ate him," Simanjon said. ---- Fake Plastic Surgeon Sought For Botched Operations ---- MIAMI BEACH, FL - Police are looking for a "butcher" with no medical training who, while posing as a plastic surgeon, mutilated at least three people, including a former male champion bodybuilder who received women's breasts instead of pectoral implants. The imposter, Reinaldo Silvestre, and two accomplices used an animal tranquilizer in botched operations including the one preformed on bodybuilder, Mr. Mexico of 1975. The case came to light last month when a videotape was brought to police showing the surgery on the bodybuilder. Miami Beach police Capt. Charles Press spoke about the videotape "... it was obscene. I've been [a police officer] for almost 25 years, and I was repulsed. The guy kept waking up. They told him to lie down and not worry about it. He was in obvious pain." The videotape showed that Silvestre used an instrument that resembled a spatula during the surgery. ----------------- Don't Try This At Home! ------------------ LONDON - What has to be one of the MOST bizarre stories we have heard comes once again from those wacky Brits. Heather Perry, 29, says she has finally cured her chronic fatigue by resorting to do-it-yourself brain surgery and drilling a hole in her own head. It's an ancient technique called trepanning - cutting away a section of the scalp and drilling into the skull. Perry's bid to rid herself of the inflammation of her brain and spinal chord, by drilling a two-centimeter hole to allow blood to flow more easily around the brain, almost went wrong when she drilled too far and penetrated a membrane protecting her brain tissue. She performed the operation under local anesthetic in front of a mirror and a camera crew. ----------------- Y2K Panic Claims Victim ------------------ HICKORY HILLS, Illinois - A 34 year old Cincinnati man driving a rented ford Taurus with two flat tires was arrested at the Hickory Hills/Palos Shopping Center after threatening to slit his throat with a hunting knife. When officers encountered the man he was already suffering from a stab wound. He then produced a pistol from the trunk of his car and threatened to shoot himself in the head. The man was apprehended after collapsing from blood loss. Upon further investigation, the man's girlfriend was discovered, suffering from five stab wounds. She said the man was distraught over a Y2K meeting and wanted to go to California (by way of Hickory Hills from Cincinnati) and live in the desert. -------------- Duct Tape Keeps Wife Faithful --------------- PHOENIX, AZ - There's a long standing saw that says, "If you can't fix it, Duct Tape it." But one Phoenix resident took this axiom too literally when he employed a roll of the tape to bind his wife to her legal obligations. To ensure his wife showed up for her court date, Robert Horton bound her arms, legs and mouth with duct tape and drove her to Maricopa County Superior Court in Phoenix. He dropped her off at the security officer's desk in a very matter-of-fact manner. Wife Belinda was arrested several days prior for aggravated assault and resisting arrest, but was unwilling to talk this time even after the tape was removed. Authorities are still considering whether to bring charges against Robert. ------------- Kidnapped Man Comes Out Blazing -------------- CORAL SPRINGS, Fla. - 21-year-old Carl Lee Reese's luck went from bad to worse when he carjacked a Lexus belonging to Paul Brite, 53. Brite was confronted by the gunman at a carwash and forced to climb into his own trunk. Reese drove off, but pulled to the side of the road a short while later fearing Brite had a cellular phone with him. When he opened the trunk the victim came out brandishing two handguns that he had stored there earlier. The kidnapper refused to comply with several commands to lie on the ground, even after a warning shot. Brite was finally forced to shoot his attacker in the abdomen when Reese reached for his pocket. Police said they do not plan to charge Brite. ----------- Shark No Match For Woman With Stick ------------ NEW PLYMOUTH, New Zealand - Folks from New Zealand take their fishing seriously. Take Bev Marshall-Smith, 56, who was fishing with her husband at a beach on the west coast of New Zealand's North Island. When a large fish chased her lure into the shallows she picked up a piece of driftwood and charged in to claim her prize. When the truculent predator refused to expire quietly Marshall-Smith beat it into submission. It turned out to be a nearly 6-foot blue shark. "I didn't realize it was a shark. I just went and grabbed it," she said, "Every time he wrestled I hit him." --------- Today's Youth Under Increasing Pressure ---------- BANGKOK, Thailand - Your humble editor didn't believe this story until research proved it to be true. Teens everywhere try to get kicks in different ways, but this new craze sweeping Thailand called "pumping" is truly bizarre. What is this you ask? Well "pumping" involves placing the nozzle of a bicycle pump up one's rectum and literally pumping air until the air escapes from the posterior making a loud, vulgar sound. Apparently the louder the sound, the more amusing. A 13-year-old, Charnchai Puanmuangpak planned for a record and proceeded to place an electric air compressor hose up his backside. He was admitted to the hospital with internal bleeding. -------- Magnetic Personality Lands Pervert In Jail -------- SAN FRANCISCO, California - 45-year-old suspect, Harold White has been charged with one of the more bizarre crimes to hit this unusual city. He has been charged with disturbing the peace with a high powered magnet! It seems that White would stake out piercing parlors thereupon following women who recently had body parts pierced. He would then get close to them with his magnet in an attempt to "sexually stimulate" his victims with the magnet. http://www.bizarrenews.com

Andy Warhol created the Rolling Stone's emblem depicting the big tongue which first appeared on the cover of "Sticky Fingers." The tallest monument built in the US, the Gateway Arch, in St. Louis, Missouri, is 630 feet tall. New Jersey, with 96, is the US state with the greatest number of hazardous waste sites. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. A jiffy is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. Lake Nicaragua boasts the only fresh water sharks in the entire world. Bingo is the name of the dog on the Cracker Jack box. The A&W of root beer fame stands for Allen and Wright. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

WHO WROTE "MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB"? One of the earliest and most influential American magazine editors, Sarah Josepha Hale - in 1830. In addition to founding the first national women's magazine, Godey's Ladies' Magazine, and successfully campaigning to make Thanksgiving a national holiday, she was inspired to write the rhyme by an actual case of a child's being followed to school by a pet lamb. WHO IS NIKE? In Greek mythology, Nike was the goddess of victory. She was the daughter of the giant Pallas and the river Styx. In Rome, Nike was called Victoria. WHAT WERE THE MEASUREMENTS OF THE PERFECT ZIEGFELD GIRL? For the showgirls who appeared in the Ziegfeld Follies, which ran from 1907 in to the 1903s, impresario Florenz Ziegfeld insisted on women with the following measurements: bust, 36 inches; waist, 26 inches; and hips 38 inches. It estimated that only 3,000 of the 200,000 applicants over the years met these requirements. HOW LONG DID IT TAKE GERTRUDE EDERLE TO SWIM THE ENGLISH CHANNEL? The first woman to cross the channel clocked in at 14 hours, 39 minutes on August 5, 1926. In doing so, she broke the existing men's record.

From the Times of London: http://www.the-times.co.uk/ April 11 2000 EUROPE Gnomes released into wild FROM ADAM SAGE IN PARIS A SINISTER threat returned to haunt suburban France yesterday when the infamous Garden Gnome Liberation Front (GLF) claimed its most daring exploit to date. In a statement, the Paris branch said that it had "freed" 20 of the 2,000 gnomes on display at an exhibition in the Bagatelle Park on the outskirts on the French capital. A GLF statement said: "We want to end the ridicule to which these garden gnomes are subjected. We want to return them to their natural habitat by releasing them into the forests they should never have left." The theft came more than two years after French justice dismantled a movement that began as a student joke but turned into a wide-ranging social trend that forced home-owners to buy guard dogs and lock up their gnomes at night. On that occasion, in November 1997, three men were given suspended prison sentences and a fourth lost his driving licence.

Next it'll be those pink flamingoes (was gonna put a negative adjective before pink, but there are lots of people who must like them...) inhabiting lawns from Florida to California but not in Hawaii (*whew*) Thanks, Ann, that is Hilarious. Do you know where your gnomes are tonight?! Lock them up at night? I am astounded, again, by The Times.

The only real person that has been used as a Pez head is Betsy Ross. An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. The longest U.S. highway is route 6 which starts in Cape Cod, Massachusetts and ends in Bishop, California. In M&M candies, the letters stand for Mars and Merrie. The most common name in the world is Mohammed. The volume of the Earth's moon is the same as the volume of the Pacific Ocean. Samuel Clemens, Mark Twain, was born on a day in 1835 when Haley's Comet came into view and he died exactly 75 years later in 1910 when Haley's Comet came back. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle. The symbol on the pound key "#" is called an octothorpe.

WHAT IS THE LARGEST DESERT IN EUROPE? Europe has no deserts - it's the only continent without one. WHICH STATE AVERAGES THE GREATEST NUMBER OF SHARK ATTACKS ANNUALLY? Florida, with an average of 13 a year. WHAT IS THE LONGEST STRAIT IN THE WORLD? The Strait of Malacca, between the Malay Peninsula and the island of Sumatra. It's about 500 miles long and connects the Andaman and South China seas. WHAT MAMMAL DO FISHERMAN IN CHINA TRAIN TO HELP THEM INCREASE THEIR CATCH? The otter. The Chinese train otters to chase fish under large nets, which are then dropped and pulled in.

The BBC radio dedicated about 3 minutes to the gnome story last night (or this morning their time) Apparently they are very chic in Paris

Yeesh! Perhaps you have to be there to appreciate them...?! Still think it is funny! Guard dogs and locking them up for the night?! Sounds like a scene from The Full Monty...

HOW DID THE TV'S EMMY AWARDS GET THEIR NAME? From the feminized form of "immy", a nickname for the image orthicon - TV camera tube in wide use when the awards were first given in 1949. WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE IN THE ORIGINAL DRAFT FOR THE STAR TREK TV SERIES? The U.S.S. Yorktown. WHAT MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL PLAYER RETIRED IN 1980 AFTER PLAYING IN FIVE DIFFERENT DECADES? Outfielder Minnie Minoso, who started out with the Cleveland Indians in 1949, and ended his career as a pinch hitter for the Chicago White sox. WHO, IN 1954, WAS NAMED SPORTS ILLUSTRATED MAGAZINE'S FIRST SPORTSMAN OF THE YEAR? Roger Bannister, who broke the four-minute mile.

The greatest snowfall ever in a single storm was 189 inches at the Mount Shasta Ski Bowl in February, 1959. The highest waterfall in the world, Angel Falls in Venezuela, has a total drop of 3,121 feet. A person's right lung takes in more air than the left one does. A sneeze expels out of your mouth over 600 mph. An adult golden eagle's claw has 9 times the grip of an adult human male's hand. Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright's son. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. The first interracial kiss ever seen on television was on "Star Trek" ~ Kirk and Uhuru. The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver." Any month that starts on a Sunday will have a Friday the 13th in it.

Bizarre News +---------------------- Bizarre Books ----------------------+ Real Books... Unreal Titles! It's a Gas! A Study of Flatulence; 1991 [No explanation needed.] Wrestling for Gay Guys; 1994 For anyone looking to perk up their fitness routine, self-defense, or erotic prowess. [See first story.] Hand Grenade Throwing as a College Sport; 1918 The British Library's only copy was regrettably "destroyed by bombing." [Perhaps the WWF could employ some of these strategies?] The Gentle Art of Cooking Wives; 1900 [Oh no. That's just TOO easy!] Walled Up Nuns and Nuns Walled In; 1895 [Sadly, no sequel was ever printed.] Fashion is Spinach; 1938 [And meat is?] A letter to the Man Who Killed My Dog; 1956 [I'll take a stab: Dear Jerk face, You suck!] Freedom Must Not Stink; 1947 [Followed by the best-seller, "Communism Takes a Bath".] *** ------------- Oily Grapplers Fear Gay Audience ------------- ISTANBUL - Just when you thought that burly, sweaty, Turkish oil wrestlers were synonymous with good, clean heterosexual fun; think again. Residing in our "what were the odds?" file, our glistening leather-clad warriors object to their ancient sporting event being coveted by a group of homosexuals calling themselves the "Bears of Turkey." This group of openly gay men are advertising on the Internet in hopes of booking a tour group to attend the Kirkpinar championships. On July 1, the city of Edirne will be hosting this event, but Chairman Alper Yazoglu was quoted as saying, "We are trying every way to have this stopped...". The event takes place in the hot sun as the wrestlers slather themselves in olive oil before trying to pin each other to the ground. One common tactic includes putting a hand down the opponent's leather trousers to get a better grip. The wrestlers don't see the attraction for their homosexual audience. [Extra virgin olive oil? Probably not macho enough.] ---------------- Mom Packs More Than Lunch ----------------- OKLAHOMA CITY - Just when Oklahoma and violence were finally out of the headlines, enraged mother Sonya Bostic fired a shot at another mother during a track meet. Bostic, age 33, was aiming for Ruthie Pearl, age 35, in what was apparently the climax of a two-year grudge. 500 spectators packed the stadium when the argument began, but the bullet wounded innocent parent Virginia Biggers in the buttocks when she attempted to take cover. While Bostic was still pointing her gun, police disarmed her but found no more bullets. She was arrested and jailed. --------- Dead Husband Stays Home For Four Months ---------- MUNICH - In an effort to postpone reality, an elderly German woman kept her dead husband in bed for four months. The husband's sister became suspicious when she repeatedly called the house, and the wife told her that he did not want to see any visitors. The sister eventually called the police and they confirmed that the 76-year-old man had died of natural causes. Previous to this discovery, in 1998 a man from Hamburg was found sitting in front of his television; he had been dead for five years. [Rest assured, he was found still grasping the remote.] -------------- Family Pet Makes Tasty Snack ---------------- DEMING, N.M. - This culinary curiosity made a lot radio talk shows, so you may have already heard the story, but I just couldn't resist sneaking it into this week's issue. It seems Sadie Emerson of New Mexico recently lost her Vietnamese potbellied pig. The miniature porker named Tiny Boo was a cherished family pet and Sadie and her 3-year-old son began searching the neighborhood for it. Much to their horror they found Tiny Boo was the guest of honor at a barbecue their neighbors were having down the street. The mobile home owner told sheriff's deputies he shot the pig with a rifle after the animal tried to attack him. He has been accused of cruelty to animals and will appear in court. ------------ Is That A Hamster In Your Pocket -------------- SYDNEY, Australia - What would a Bizarre News edition be without a penis tragedy? Brad Smith loved animals and when he found a lost hamster, cold from a rainy morning, he decided to warm it up by placing it in his front pocket. The little rodent wasn't exactly thrilled to be there and proceeded to make lunch out of Smith's manhood. ----------------- Best Man Vows For Groom ----------------- KILETER, England - The time was way back in the 1920's and Albert Muldoon was standing up as the best man at his friend's wedding. But unfortunately for all involved, Muldoon stood at the wrong side of the groom and the Minister mistook him for the groom himself and married him to the bride. The actual groom was so nervous he could not even say, "I do" and Muldoon answered for him, furthering the comedic marriage. The marriage was annulled 24 hours later. Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* IRS agent Larry Wilson of Alhambra, California has been charged with extortion, reportedly demanding more that $57,000 in bribes from taxpayers, in exchange for favors during audits... an IRS spokesman expressed shock at the arrest, since policy clearly caps bribes at $50,000 per agent.

There are two credit cards for every person in the United States. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33. The Boston University Bridge is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane. Cats have over 100 vocal sounds, while dogs only have about 10. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, and Diamonds - Julius Caesar. Emus and kangaroos can't walk backwards. The "Yo-Yo" was introduced in 1929 by Donald F. Duncan. The toy was based on a weapon used by 16th-century Filipino hunters. The 7 wonders of the ancient world are The Temple of Artemis, The Colossus of Rhodes, The Hanging Gardens of Babylon, The Mausoleum at Halicarnassus, The Lighthouse at Alexandria, The Great Pyramids of Giza, and The Statue of Zeus at Olympia. December 25'th was chosen as "Christmas Day" in order to compete with an existing pagan celebration. Scuba stands for Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. The 7 Dwarfs are Doc, Bashful, Sleepy, Dopey, Grumpy, Happy, and Sneezy. The 7 wonders of the modern world are The Great Wall of China, The Hagia Sophia, The Leaning Tower of Pisa, The Washington Monument, The Eiffel Tower, The Taj Mahal, and The Empire State Building.

WHERE DOES THE WORD SALARY COME FROM? It evolved from salarium argentium, or "salt money," fees paid to Roman soldiers to buy the then precious commodity. HOW DID THE EXPRESSION "TO MAKE A BED" ORIGINATE? In the evening, citizens of the Roman Empire constructed their beds by placing straw into a cloth sack. The straw had to be emptied every night to dry; therefore, the beds had to be remade every night. This practice continued until the fifteenth century - in some countries even later. HOW DID THE WORD "AIN'T" BECOME UNACCEPTABLE? The use of ain't as a substitute for am not or are not dates back to the reign of King Charles II - about 300 years. It is unclear how or why it became unacceptable.

WHEN WAS CIGARETTE ADVERTISING BANNED ON TELEVISION AND RADIO? It was prohibited as of January 2, 1971. Red stands for the blood of the dead. Black represents pride in the color of the skin. Green is for the promise of a new and better life in Africa. HOW FAST DOES THE EARTH TRAVEL AROUND THE SUN? It moves at 66,641 miles per hour. WHAT MAKES HOUSEPLANTS TURN TO THE LIGHT? Growth hormones called auxins. When light falls on one side of the plant, the auxins tend to concentrate on the shaded side, causing the cells on that side to grow longer. As a result, the plant gradually leans toward the light. This bending movement in response to an outside stimulus is known as tropism; bending in response to sunlight is called heliotropism.

Bizarre News - April 15, 2000 +---------------- Last Week's Bizarre Poll -----------------+ Question: What invention is the most bizarre? Voting Results: Answer: Ronco Egg Beater (scrambles eggs inside the shell), 283 votes (8%) Answer: Flowbee hair cutter (Turns vacuum cleaner into shears), 216 votes (6%) Answer: Epilady Hair remover (Rips the hair out of follicles), 1225 votes (37%) Answer: The Bug Sucker (Insect killer), 414 votes (12%) Answer: GLH (Spray paint your bald spot), 1113 votes (34%) *** ----------- English Inventor Goes Down With Ship ----------- LONDON, England - In yet another attempt to show why the British Empire lost its grip on the world, inventor Terrence Smedley felt an inspiration. His inspiration was to cross the English Channel in a motorized bathtub. The rather odd inventor wanted to be the first man to do so. The tub sank after traveling 500 yards off shore. He was rescued by a ferry that was passing by. [I wonder if he took his rubber ducky life preserver.] ---------------- L'amour...Toujours L'amour ---------------- PARIS, France - Bizarre News scans the globe in search of bizarre rituals, news, or just plain idiocy. This story combines all of these elements. Two teenagers were arrested and were nearly killed after they created a subway disturbance. Apparently they were walking down the tracks in between stations when the young stud began kissing and fondling his girlfriend. One thing led to another and they began to make love in between the tracks. If it were not for a vigilant conductor, authorities said they would have surely perished. [When I was a kid, I thought sticking a quarter in a vibrating bed was "cool".] ---------- Hide Your Women...or Your Garden Gnomes --------- PARIS - It is no longer acceptable to malign or slander your garden gnomes. That's right; someone is fighting to protect your gnomes from captivity and ridicule. The Garden Gnome Liberation Front has emerged from their underground lair long enough to steal 20 gnomes in order to set them free. This same savvy group was responsible for the disappearance of over 150 garden gnomes in 1997, but the ringleader was caught, and fined. Parisians were shocked by the brutal 1998 mass gnome suicide in Briey. 11 were found dangling by their necks under a bridge. The note left behind said, "When you read these few words we will no longer be a part of your selfish world, where we serve merely as pretty decoration." [Leave it to those wacky French. No wonder they love Jerry Lewis.] ---------------------Safe Canadian Sex---------------------- CALGARY - Finally, a study we can all learn from. Queens University in Calgary, Alberta has conducted a survey on the sexual habits of 800 people in five city bars. They discovered that the inebriated were more likely to practice safe sex than their sober counterparts. Tara MacDonald and three other researchers asked some intrusive questions of their liquored-up subjects. They were given a Breathalyzer test, and asked to read a sexual scenario before answering a series of highly personal questions. The bar had stamped hands with "AIDS Kills", "Safe Sex", or a happy face. "We found that a drunk person with a smiley face was more likely than a sober people to have intentions to have unsafe sex, whereas intoxicated persons with Aids Kills stamps were half as likely as sober people to report intentions to engage in sex without a condom." [And no; the study was not funded by Seagram's.] --------------- Banana Peel Thrower Slips Away -------------- KENOSHA - The Sheriff's Department were evaded by a motorist who hurled a banana peel out of their car window at another windshield, then sped away. In addition to the drive-by "fruiting" the offender allegedly made obscene gestures to the 35-year old woman he was tailgating before he slimed her windshield. The police offered no comment; just scratched their heads in confusion. --------------- The Proof Is In The Ordnance --------------- TUCSON, Arizona - In order to prove that the schools are not safe enough for teachers or students, sixth grade teacher Kathy Morris pumped a .38 caliber slug into her own shoulder in an empty classroom and claimed a young Hispanic man had shot her. The 35-year-old Morris broke down under questioning and admitted she shot herself, but not before classes were dismissed for the day and the entire neighborhood was searched. Morris has also, apparently, been sending herself threatening letters, a sheriff's spokeswoman said. She is currently on paid administrative leave pending an investigation. [Tough way to get a paid leave, if you ask me. I'm sure the students were mourning her misfortune on their day off.] Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* A new survey of pet fanciers by the American Animal Hospital Association shows that 83 percent of pet owners would risk their own lives to save their pets. Even more disturbing, 89 percent of those polled think their pets understand some or all of what their owners say... so what exactly is wrong with MY dog? For more Classic Bizarre, visit us at: Click Here

In 1920, Terence MacSwiney, Lord Mayor of Cork, Ireland, was sentenced to two years in jail for "being in the possession of seditious documents." He was jailed in Brixton Prison, London, on August 12, 1920. As a protest against the sentence, MacSwiney went on a hunger strike and refused to eat food of any kind while in prison. He did not, however, refuse water and medicines. He died on October 25 of the same year, the 74th day of his fast. While he was subject to fits of delirium from time to time, he retained his consciousness until a few days before his death.

WHAT IS THE ONLY PLACE IN THE WORLD WHERE ALLIGATORS AND CROCODILES COEXIST? Southern Florida. AT WHAT AGE DID CLEOPATRA TAKE HER FIRST LOVER? At the age of twelve. WHAT IS THE WORLD'S LARGEST LIVING FISH? The harmless whale shark, which reaches up to 50 or more feet in length and weighs up to 20 tons. WHAT WAS BEATLE JOHN LENNON'S MIDDLE NAME? Winston, after Winston Churchill.

Why are cats attracted to catnip? Catnip has a substance called nepetalactone which comes from small glands on the plant leaves of a mint called catnip. It is believed when nepetalactone is inhaled by cats, it alters the nor brain functions and arouses sexual feelings just as a hormone would. This causes cats to act playful and exhibit behavior seen typically during mating activities.

Bizarre News +---------------------- Bizarre Laws ----------------------+ KENTUCKY Bees entering Kentucky must have a certificate of health. Any person who displays, handles or uses any kind of reptile in connection with any religious service or gathering shall be fined not less than fifty dollars. Any person who appears on a highway, or the street of any city that has no police protection, when clothed only in ordinary bathing garb, shall be fined not less than five dollars. No person shall sell, exchange or possess living baby chicks, ducklings, or other fowl or rabbits which have been dyed or colored; nor sell or exchange baby chicks or other fowl under two months of age in any quantity less than six, except that any rabbit weighing three pounds or more may be sold at an age of six weeks. [Well, now that we have that cleared up...] *** -------------------- Sidewalk Delivery --------------------- LOUISVILLE - A Kentucky inmate witnessed a woman giving birth on the sidewalk outside of his cell not realizing that the woman was his wife. Raylette Carr told reporters that her husband was casually describing the event to her when she interrupted by telling him that she was the woman on the sidewalk giving birth. "I told him: 'That was your baby.'" Carr was on her way to a fireworks show when she went into labor with her seventh child. Paramedics arrived too late, but mother and baby are fine. ---------- Easter Floggings Come Early This Year ----------- GUATEMALA CITY - Lent no longer tops the list for Easter hardships. The annual Easter witch hunt began seven days prior to Holy Week this year for Guatemalan students. The ritual consists of 15,000 hooded students (mostly male) who publicly strip suspected criminals, and beat them. This vigilante pummeling, and the accompanying parade, are a sanctioned tradition where last year more than 108 lynching attempts took place. [They did this at a Frat house regularly at the U of I.] ----------------- Hamster Fashions For UK ------------------ LONDON - Conservative clothiers Gieves and Hawkes tried to update their 200 year-old image by appealing to a younger, hipper crowd with hamster jackets. The $4,800 creations only spiced up the ire of The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. "We are appalled and we are sure the public will feel exactly the same way," replied coordinator Yvonne Taylor. Gieves and Hawkes quickly backed down, and said they only made one coat - sewn from the skins of 100 farmed animals. --------------- "Hot Wheels" Prompt Gunplay ---------------- STATESBORO - The difference between men and boys is not just the price of their toys, but how pretty their wheels are. A twenty-year-old man was shot at the Player's Ball weekend gathering during an argument over who had the better looking tires. Apparently the man with the gun had the prettiest tires. The victim was from Atlanta, and was hospitalized in stable condition. However his pride may not recover as quickly. ---------- Imposter Hoodwinks Medical Authorities ---------- BONN, Germany - In one of the countries biggest medical scandals, authorities are scratching their heads trying to figure out how a post office messenger with no formal education could impersonate a psychiatrist for two years and commit 34 "patients" to mental hospitals across the country. The culprit, Gert Postel got away with impersonating a psychiatrist by using a lot of psycho babble that made him a convincing con man. -------------- Dutch Research Into Flatulence -------------- AMSTERDAM, Holland - Bizarre News is always on the lookout examining how countries spanning the globe do research. Recently, researchers at the University of Amsterdam have been delving into the hazards of flatulence. Apparently, prolonged exposure of four hours a day to humans "passing gas" can weaken the immune system. The doctor heading this piece of vital research, Dr. Hans Sholten, was quoted as saying, "It would behoove anyone who cares about his or her health to avoid people with chronic flatulence." [Really?] Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* Another blow for Darwinism: a Brazilian court has ruled that factory worker Valdir Pozza is not entitled to compensation after losing the use of his finger, because "pinkie fingers would disappear with evolution anyway..."

The shrink imposter would be easier to pull off than an MD, I can see where this could be faked.

Skeptic that I am, I wonder if all shrinks aren't imposters of a sort...?!

HOW MUCH DOES THE BLUE WHALE, THE WORLD'S LARGEST MAMMAL, WEIGH AT BIRTH? Two tons. Fully grown, it will weigh as much as 150 tons. HOW MANY MUSCLES ARE THERE IN THE HUMAN EAR? Six. WHY WAS POPCORN BANNED AT MOST THEATERS IN THE 1920S? It was considered too noisy. WHAT CELEBRITY BOUGHT THE FIRST HUMMER MANUFACTURED FOR CIVILIAN USE? Arnold Schwarzenegger, 1992. The 6,300-pound, 7-foot wide vehicle is the civilian version of the military Humvee.

Bizarre News +---------------------- Bizarre Books ----------------------+ Real Books... Unreal Titles! The Foul and the Fragrant: Odor and the French Social Imagination; 1986. Who's Who in Barbed Wire; 1970. The Madman as Entrepreneur: Career Management in House Prostitution; 1979. Correct Mispronunciations of Some South Carolina Names; 1981. Manhole Covers of Los Angeles; 1974. Leadership Secrets of Attila the Hun; 1995. Three Weeks in Wet Sheets; 1856. Be Married and Like It; 1937. Pranks With the Mouth; 1879. Build Your Own Hindenburg; 1983. *** ---------------- Man Ruins Surprise Funeral ---------------- TOKYO - It was a hard day at work for a 60-year-old Japanese shipbuilder who came home and found his family planning his funeral. Police had informed the family that he had been killed in a car accident earlier that day, where his own brother-in-law identified the victim's body as his. The family was in the final stages of planning when he walked into the living room. The funeral has been postponed. --------------------- Virtual Praying? --------------------- MILAN - The country that is synonymous with wine, romance, and pasta now offers a new time-saver with professional praying. For 3,000 lire, "Paradise" agency located in Varese, Italy will send housewife Monica Ballinari to recite a prayer or perform the sign of the cross once a day. She fears that life has become so hectic that many just ignore their spiritual needs, and the salvation of their souls. "If you don't have time to save it, call me; I'll take care of it." [If they take their masturbation seriously over there, this poor woman must be kept busy.] ------------- Real Fake Newscaster Makes Debut ------------- LONDON - Her name is Ananova; she has green hair, big eyes, and moves somewhat erratically. She is a computer created virtual newscaster guaranteed to stay in perfect health, work long-hours for no pay, and never needs make-up. This glamorous cyber-anchor will exude a plethora of internet information complete with commercials, and she'll make her U.K. Internet debut on Wednesday, April 19, 2000. Bearing the likeness of Posh Spice, Ananova claims, "I'm your personal assistant in a digital world." [I wonder if she'll get engaged to Max Headroom?] ---------------- Big Mac Rules Foil Burglar ---------------- SYDNEY, Australia - The North Shore Times News crime column reported that a man walked into Brookvale McDonalds at 8:50AM, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because she said she couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered a Big Mac, the clerk said they weren't available until 10:30am as only the breakfast menu was on offer. Frustrated, the man walked away. ------------ Thieves Yank ATM out Of The Ground ------------ OGDEN, Utah - A couple of thieves came up with a crafty approach for stealing from an ATM -- they took the whole thing. Ogden police say suspects stole a backhoe, hooked it up to a freestanding ATM, uprooted it and hauled it down the road on Monday. Problem was, they couldn't figure out how to get the money out of it. -------- Slick Willie Faces Hollywood's Wunderkind --------- NEW YORK - Savvy and experienced President Clinton will be hard-pressed this Saturday when he sits across the micro-phone from post-pubescent teen heart-throb Leonardo DiCaprio. DiCaprio, who has made his bones in films like "What's Eating Gilbert Grape", "The Quick and the Dead" and "Titanic" will be interviewing Clinton as chairman of the Earth Day 2000 celebration committee. Questions will range from Clinton's policies on global warming to what he thought of that Virginie Ledoyen chick who played with DiCaprio in "The Beach." Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* Cleetis Hayseed of Twelve Toes, Arkansas had this lame bumper sticker on his car: "I May Be Slow, But I'm Ahead Of You." After enduring countless beatings, Cleetis cleverly contacted the company which offers the world's best-selling stickers: DARE To Keep Cops Off Donuts, Life is Short - Don't Be a Dick, Discourage Inbreeding - Ban Country Music, WHATEVER, I'd Rather Be Spanking The Monkey, and Your College Sucks. For more Classic Bizarre, visit us at: Click Here

Clinton asked to comment on a chick, he should have some relativity on this!

This is true...! (btw, I do not write those sordid little comments enclosed in square brackets in the Bizarre news. I have more class than that!)

WHAT PART OF THE HUMAN BODY HAS THE THINNEST SKIN? The eyelid - it's less than 1/500 inch thick. WHEN WERE EYEGLASSES FIRST WORN IN EUROPE? They first appeared in Italy in the fourteenth century, supposedly introduced by Alessandro di Spina of Florence. Eyeglasses also appeared in China about this time; it is not clear who got the idea first. HOW DID THE PIGGY BANK GET ITS NAME? In the Middle Ages, people stored money in a "pygg jar," made of clay called pygg. By the eighteenth century in England, the name and shape of the receptacle had evolved to "pig bank" - and from there to piggy bank. WHY DOES SKIN WRINKLE WHEN IT IS EXPOSED AT LENGTH TO WATER? The skin on the foot or palm of the hand wrinkles because it expands. The thick, hardened layers of skin swell as water is retained.

Teenage Boys Face Flogging for Pestering Girls DUBAI (Reuters) - Saudi teenage boys face public flogging and prison sentences for loitering outside girls' schools, a Saudi newspaper reported Saturday. Al-Eqtisadiah reported that the prince of Medina ordered a committee be set up in the holy city to hand out strict punishment to the boys to limit what the newspaper called immoral behavior in the conservative Muslim kingdom. The newspaper said the decision was taken after several complaints were filed from female students and parents about remarks made by the boys milling outside the schools. London-based Amnesty International recently accused Saudi Arabia of ``gross and systematic'' human rights violations, charges which have been rejected by Saudi officials.

Drenchers Out in Force on Easter Monday WARSAW (Reuters) - Polish youths marked Drenching Monday by hurling water at unsuspecting passers-by and tourists in an exuberant reenactment of a rural custom. The festival, also known as St Drencher's Day, began centuries ago as a courtship festival in Poland's villages, where boys would drench maidens to try and win their favor. Unlike many rural customs that have disappeared over the years, ``smigus-dyngus'' has become increasingly popular. And buckets of water are no longer reserved for young women. Police warned there would be fines for anyone caught abusing the custom to ambush churchgoers or passers-by. Tourists were among the victims this year in Warsaw's picturesque Old Town.

HOW DID CHICAGO GET ITS NAME? In 1696 a Jesuit, Father Pinet, established a mission for Indians called the Mission of the Guardian Angel. It was set along a stream the Indians had named Checagon, a word meaning anything big, strong, or powerful. Since the river at that point was sluggish, it is thought that checagon actually referred to the wild garlic along the riverbanks. WHAT WAS THE FIRST SUPERMARKET? Two self-service stores - precursors to supermarkets - opened in California in 1912: the Alpha Beta Food Market in Pomona and Ward's Grocetaria in Ocean Park. The Piggly-Wiggly stores, which opened in 1916 in Memphis, Tennessee, had self- service and checkout counters but did not call themselves supermarkets. The word supermarket was not part of a store name until 1933, when the Albers Super Markets opened. WHAT WERE THE EARLIER NAMES FOR THE BEATLES? There were several. In the late 1950s, John Lennon and Paul McCartney formed a band to play "skiffle" music in local Liverpool clubs. They first called themselves the Quarrymen, then tried several other names: Johnny and the Moondogs, the Moonshiners, Long John and the Silver Beatles. By 1960, however, they settled on the name now known to all - the Beatles. WHO WAS THE FIRST MOVIE STAR? While early American filmmakers refused to reveal the names of their players, fearing the actors would request more money, German filmgoers creates celebrities. The first celebrity actress was Henny Porten, who first appeared in the movie Lohengrin (1907), directed by Oskar Messter. She was known only as the Messter Girl until 1909, when she played the romantic lead in Das Liebesgluck der Blinden (The Love of the Blind Girl) to such fanfare that Messter was requested to reveal her name to the public. Soon thereafter, Porten asked for a raise.

Bizarre News +----------------- Bizarre U.S. Patents -------------------+ Scalp Cooling Device; December 6, 1938 [Looks similar to the electric chair.] Pantyhose Shaping Band for Cheeky Derrier Relief; January 18, 1979 [The name on the patent? Julie Newmar. Who wants to bet she's Julie Newmar of Cat Woman fame?] Eye Protector for Chickens; December 10, 1902 Hay Fragrance; January 6, 1987 Saluting Device/Automatic Hat Tipper; March 10, 1896 Apparatus for Facilitating Childbirth by Centrifugal Force; November 9, 1965 [Looks similar to a medieval rack.] *** ---- You Have The Right To Be Tried By A Jury Of Idiots ---- KENTUCKY - Five men and seven women jurors of the Jefferson County Circuit Court could not come to a decision in the trial of murder suspect Phillip J. Givens II. So instead of wasting the tax-payers valuable dollars they decided to flip a coin. It was tails. Shortly before he was about to pass his sentence, Judge Kenneth Conliffe learned how the jury had reached its verdict and declared a mistrial. "I didn't think we had anything to lose," jury foreman David Melton said. "We were going to be hung without it." The coin used was a silver dollar. [The jury may not have had anything to lose, but Givens did. It's a good thing no one had any dice. Thanks to Jake Hill for the lead on this story.] ---------------- We Said 'Bong' Not 'Bomb' ----------------- WILMINGTON - In light of the Columbine anniversary, North Carolina investigators took no chances when they found an empty cardboard fireworks tube, and evacuated the Roland- Grise Middle School. The bomb squad proceeded to detonate the tube, and found it contained a bong. The seven teenagers in question wouldn't tell the officers what it was for, so they evacuated the school to be on the safe side. --------------- Going 'Postal' Over Manicure --------------- ST. PETERSBURG - Being a postal worker just became more stressful. A Florida Postal Service supervisor has taken a medical leave after she was forced to cut her finger nails. Lolita Dash was first asked to trim her 5-inch thumbnails in 1995, when she violated the local post-master's rule that nails could not be longer than a quarter-inch beyond the fingertip. Soon after this initial cutting, Dash let them grow to the one inch mark, so her bosses started disciplinary proceedings. She was so distraught that she went on medical leave; even though she had her nails trimmed to the proper length. [What next? Hygiene? When will Big Brother be satisfied?] --------------- Pigeons Take a Special Trip --------------- DENVER - Officials in Denver are going to great lengths to rid the city of pigeons, and their flying debris. For $250 a month, the city can buy hallucinogenic corn that causes the birds to convulse and spasm which frightens the other birds away. The feed is laced with Avitrol, and animal rights activists are once again; enraged. "It takes 40 pigeons pooping all day in one place to equal what a dog leaves on my lawn in one drop," says animal lover Catherine Hurlbutt. John Hall, acting manager of public office buildings has a different view, "pigeons are urban vermin." [First the corn. Next the pigeon 12-step] ------------------ Snore At Your Own Risk ------------------ DUBLIN - Prisoner Thomas Brady, 22, was stabbed to death in his cell on Easter Sunday when his snoring proved too much for his cellmate. Police have not disclosed the name of the enraged prisoner who stabbed him with a sharpened table knife. Dublin's Mountjoy prison rushed Mr. Brady to the hospital, but he could not be saved. -------------- Passover Constipates Ethiopians ------------- JERUSALEM - As an act of charity Israel sent three tons of unleavened bread to starving Ethiopians after rabbis ruled against sending regular bread, due to the observance of Passover. What sounded like a good idea only created more digestive problems for the Ethiopians, because "matza" is notoriously dry, and causes severe constipation. On a more positive note, they also sent other food, blankets, and medicine. Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* A Honduran man castrated himself with a machete because he was "frustrated" that his wife refused to have sex with him. The Heraldo Daily said Juan Varels cut off both his testicles and put them on a table. After careful consideration, Varels took them to a health center to have them reattached. For more Classic Bizarre, visit us at: Click Here

WHERE DID THE WORD CRAP COME FROM? DOES IT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH SHOOTING CRAPS? No, it derived from the first flush lavatory, Crapper's Valveless Water Waste Preventor, developed in 1837 by English sanitary engineer Thomas Crapper. WHERE DOES THE TERM STARK NAKED COME FROM? It is a corruption of start naked. In the thirteenth century, when the phrase originated, start took the Anglo-Saxon from steort, which meant "tail" or "rump." Therefore, stark naked refers to someone naked to the tail. WHY DO BIRDS SING? In most species of songbirds, only male birds sing, and for only two reasons: to protect territory and to attract a mate. WAS THERE AN ORIGINAL GOODY TWO-SHOES? As the subject of the first children's book of the same name, this character helped to usher in the children's book industry. Goody Two-Shoes was a poor girl, who, when given a pair of shoes, became so happy that she told everyone she met about them. The tale was written by Oliver Goldsmith in 1765.

IS THERE ANY BONE IN THE HUMAN BODY THAT DOES NOT CONNECT WITH OTHER BONES? The hyoid bone resides by itself in the throat. It supports the tongue and its muscles. DO FINGERPRINTS HAVE A FUNCTION? They provide traction for your fingers, helping you to grasp things. DO IDENTICAL TWINS HAVE THE SAME FINGERPRINTS? No. HOW MUCH IS THE HUMAN BODY WORTH? Newspaper columnists and others have claimed that the body's chemical worth is between 98 cents and $5. But one doctor argues that, at the rates currently charged by large chemical distributors, the body's worth is at least $169,834 - not counting $1,200 worth of blood. The key is to market the body's products intelligently and not reduce them to basic elements like carbon and zinc.

Some of these little facts are unbelievable The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were: Fred and Wilma Flintstone. Coca-Cola was originally green. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better. City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33 Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400 Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910. The youngest pope was 11 years old. First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, and Diamonds - Julius Caesar. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 =3D 12,345,678,987,654,321 If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in theair, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in=20 the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural=20 causes. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. "I do." is the longest sentence. The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in The South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards." Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies. The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P. The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League all-stars Game. The nursery rhyme Ring Around the Rosey is a rhyme about the plague. Infected people with the plague would get red circular sores ("Ring around the rosey..."), these sores would smell very badly so common folks would put flowers on their bodies somewhere (inconspicuously), so that it would cover the smell of the sores ("...a pocket full of posies..."), People who died from the plague would be burned so as to reduce the possible spread of the disease ("...ashes, ashes, we all fall down!") Facts Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month? A. Conception. Q. What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS from every other TV show? A. No theme song. Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace. Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common? A. All invented by women. Q. This is the only food that doesn't spoil. A. Honey Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year. A. Father's Day Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic? A. He was allergic to carrots. ----------

Bizarre News - April 29, 2000 Everyone knows that in a couple of months, the Olympics will be held in Australia. But did you know that every four years they try to add new sports to the roster? They actually have a special committee to look over hundreds of requests from organizations wanting their particular hobby included. A recent article in a Chicago paper told of the latest request. It seems that The World Plowing Association has applied to the committee to sponsor plowing contests during the Summer Olympics. Now what the heck is this all about? Plowing? The WPA sponsors plowing events for farmers all over the world and they evidently think that what they do is exciting sport. ---------- Monster Artichokes as Power Source? ------------ SPAIN - Echoing the plot of a bad Japanese Sci-Fi movie, Spanish farmers are growing three-meter high artichokes to be used as fuel. These genetically modified vegetables are part of a new biomass scheme to produce enough electricity for the needs of up to 60,000 people. The towns of Alcala de Gurrea, and Villabilla de Burgos will begin using this new power source in two years. [Mutant vegetables take over Spain? It's too bad Inoshiro Honda is dead.] --------------- New Trial for Junk Food Felon -------------- TEXAS - Currently serving 16 years for stealing a Snickers candy bar, inmate Kenneth Payne III will be retried due to jury misconduct. Payne was caught swiping the Snickers while he was already on parole for Oreo theft. This harsh sentence was handed down after prosecutors tried him as a habitual offender which increased his misdemeanor charge to a felony charge. The judge ruled for a retrial when it was discovered that one juror was found encouraging the other jurors for a harsher sentence. --------- Kentucky Fried Chicken Not Chic Enough ---------- BEIJING - Apparently the KFC located in China's scenic imperial-era park is considered an eyesore. The lease is due to expire in 2002, and they won't be coming back. A parks department spokesman said there were several complaints that the restaurant, "destroyed the original style of the imperial park...it is extremely out of harmony with its surroundings." In addition to the ill-fated KFC, no other fast-food outlets will be allowed in any of the parks in the future. -------------------- Claus the Ripper? --------------------- BERLIN - German department stores fear for their menswear. Police are hunting a new criminal who is slicing and cutting his way through unsuspecting garments. Nicknamed, "KaDeWe Ripper" by the Bild daily, this scalpel-weilding menace has wantonly slashed his way through thousands of dollars worth of men's clothing. Police have distributed photos of the suspect who has an eerie trademark: he likes to cut holes in the left side of jackets, just above the heart. [I'd hate to see what he does to the boxer shorts.] ------------ Beaver College Tired Of The Abuse ------------- GLENSIDE, Pa. - It's bad enough that the students at Beaver Women's College get ribbed about their school's name, but it has gone too far when public figures like Letterman and Stern start taking pot shots. Now internet watchdog programs are censoring any web sites using the word "beaver" keeping high school graduates from finding out about the school. Beaver president Bette Landman has had enough. She wants the school name changed to something less controversial. But some alumni and administrators are proud of their Beaver, and want to keep it just the way it is. The controversy still rages and no new name has yet been adopted. ---------------------- Underwear Sues ---------------------- The Pets.com sock puppet as seen on TV is causing problems. Pets.com is suing "Late Night With Conan O'Brien" writer Robert Smigel, claiming that Smigel, the creator of "Late Night" rubber puppet Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, said the Pets.com's sock puppet is a "rip-off" of Triumph. It seems an old gym sock on somebody's hand has become an intellectual property. Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* In our Giants of Science department, Italian researches claim to be able to cure impotence with a computer. The scientists are using virtual reality technology to "re-awaken" feelings of youth and sexuality in men. The experiment uses "a Pentium 133, a full-immersion VR helmet, and a joystick..."

About those giant artichokes, too bad they're not growing onions 3 meters in circumfrence on Maui. It could be a used as a bit of background in a new Godzilla movie. What could bring the King of All Monsters to Hawaii? The fish of course! Godzilla is a Pacific Rim kind of reptile that eats fish, lots of fish.

This is true...but, he's gonna get a run for his money if he does not eat what we consider "junk' fish (full of bones and non-firm flesh which does not taste very good raw). If he consumes Mahimahi, Ono, Opelu and Ahi on the way over, he's gonna be in big trouble! He's big enough to deplete the stock! Better he stick to Marlin. They are his size and too dense to get your teeth through raw or cooked (they use it to make fish cake here.) I posted a longer article on the artichokes from Reuters on Jurassic Park in Geo

HOW LONG IS THE GRAND CANYON? The gorge of the Colorado River is 217 miles long. Fifty- six miles lie within Grand Canyon National Park in Arizona. The canyon varies in width from 4 to 18 miles. WHAT IS THE APPLE OF ONE'S EYE? It is the pupil, which was likened to an apple because, in the ninth century, it was believed to be a solid round mass. HOW MUCH WATER DOES A PERSON DRINK IN A LIFETIME? About 16,000 gallons. WHEN DOES A HUMAN EMBRYO HAVE ITS FIRST HEARTBEAT? At the age of three weeks, when the heart of the embryo looks like a tube. As it begins to beat, it starts the blood circulating through the few blood vessels that have formed around it.

WHAT WAS THE INSPIRATION FOR CAMPBELL'S RED-AND-WHITE SOUP CAN? The Cornell University football team uniform. Campbell's company treasurer was inspired by the brilliant Cornell colors when he attended a Penn-Cornell football game on Thanksgiving Day in 1898. WHAT IS BELIEVED TO BE THE FIRST COIN-OPERATED MACHINE EVER DESIGNED? A holy-water dispenser that required a five-drachma piece to operate. It was the brainchild of the Greek scientist Hero in the first century A.D. WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THE PLANE IN WHICH ORVILLE WRIGHT MADE HIS HISTORIC 12-SECOND FLIGHT 85 YEARS AGO? Flyer I - now popularly known as Kitty Hawk I, after its North Carolina takeoff site. WHAT LETTER DESIGNATIONS DID HENRY FORD USE FOR HIS CARS BEFORE HE INTRODUCED THE MODEL T IN 1909? Models A, B, C, F, K, N, R and S. He built nearly 29,000 of them between 1903 and 1909.

He like to skip letters. What's wrong with D, E, G, H, I, J, L, M, O, P, and Q?

Yeah, I wondered about that, as well... Bizarre News - May 3, 2000 Q. What is the origin of the popular dog's name Fido? A. It's from the Latin fidus, meaning "faithful." Q. What did President Franklin Delano Roosevelt have imprinted on the White House matchbooks? A. Stolen from the White House. Q. In year's past what was used as transmission oil in Rolls- Royce automobiles? A. Spermaceti oil - from the sperm whale. Q. What reason did Sigmund Freud give for sitting behind his patient's couch during psychoanalytic sessions? A. Freud wrote: "I cannot bear to be gazed at eight hours a day." Q. What would the Barbie Doll's measurements be if she were life-size? A. 39-21-33 *** ---------------------- Moon Over L.A. ---------------------- LOS ANGELES - Among the new breed of fans that Atlanta Braves player John Rocker has earned recently stands one individual who distinguished himself Monday night by running onto the field at Dodger Stadium and dropping his pants in front of the now infamous pitcher. "I thought it was one of the funniest things I've seen in my life, I was laughing my butt off," third baseman Chipper Jones said. "Let's hope that's as bad as it ever gets." commented Braves manager Bobby Cox. The Braves beat the Dodgers 2-1. ----------- Ex-Mrs. Millionaire Sells Her Assets ----------- It seems Ms. Darva Conger - the young lady who married Rick Rockwell on the Fox-TV spectacular "Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire" - is cashing in on her fame by posing for Playboy. Conger will reportedly earn a six figure fee for trimming her sails in front of the cameras. Rick Rockwell says he might look at the pictures, but he doesn't plan to buy a copy of the magazine. He doesn't want to give Conger "an extra nickel." ----------- Theme Paper Earns Student Suspension ----------- BOSTON - It's hard for administrators at the Boston Latin Academy to tell where literature ends and death threats begin. So when Charles Carithers was given an assignment to write a horror story for his English class, the work he turned in so unnerved his teacher that school officials gave him a three day suspension. ACLU-Massachusetts Executive Director John Roberts said that Carithers "was so successful in fulfilling the assignment" that instead of getting a high grade he was suspended. Boston School Superintendent Thomas W. Payzant defended school officials, saying they have to err on the side of caution in the aftermath of Columbine. And the story? Carithers wrote about a student athlete who murders a fictitious English teacher with a chainsaw. ----------- Wife Runs Over Husband; After Church ----------- COVINGTON, LA. - Sunday may be the Lord's day, but it didn't stop a jealous wife from correcting her husband's wandering eye. Sedonia Renee Martin, 22, decided to quickly correct her husband's church flirtation after last Sunday's service at St. James Baptist Church. The husband, Tushaun Jamel Thompson, vacated the couple's car to avoid further argument when his wife sped towards him in an effort to scare him. Convinced that she wouldn't actually hit him, Thompson stood his ground; until the front end of the vehicle hit his upper legs, and threw him into a ditch 20 feet away. His injuries were moderate, but his embarrassment was critical. --------------------- More Mutant Food --------------------- MEXICO CITY - Not to be outdone by Spain's monster artichokes, the city of Oaxaca attempted to find fame in the Guinness Book of World Records by building a giant tortilla. This hefty snack was 14-1/2 feet in diameter, and was topped with 70 pounds of beef, 70 pounds of cheese, 45 pounds of beans, and five gallons of salsa. If they don't qualify under the tortilla category; they still have a shot in the taco division. [I wonder how large the margarita was?] ----- Pink Plastic Flamingos Are An Expensive Mistake ------ LAWRENCEVILLE - It's official; bad taste has a price, and it's $3,400. Apparently Doug Henry's fellow Georgians, and subdivision neighbors were not amused by his pink plastic lawn ornaments. According to the homeowners association, all unapproved lawn ornaments will cost the homeowner $25 a day until they're removed. His $15 flamingos have now cost him $3,400, which he was unaware of until he tried to sell his house, and found that the association placed a lien on his home. If both sides don't agree on a settlement, a judge will decide who gets the flamingo funds. Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* A Massachusetts man arrested for driving without a license used his one phone call to tell a friend exactly where to find his stash of crack cocaine, hidden in an alley. Hipolito Vega spoke to his friend in Spanish, not realizing that the booking officer, Manuel Rivera, understood every word. If you give up the right to remain stupid... For more Classic Bizarre, visit us at: Click Here

Maybe the missing Ford model letters were his equivalent of the Edsel?!

Posted without comment...*smile* Tattoo Trend Spreads LONDON (Reuters) - Bankers, accountants and solicitors are just as likely as bikers to sport a tattoo, a survey has found. A quarter of the 1,000 people interviewed with body art were professionals, according to the survey for Lloyds TSB bank. But the tattoo trend has yet to gain universal acceptance in the office. Twenty six percent said they hid them at work for fear they were viewed unfavorably.

Guess They Could Call It Sing Sing BEIRUT (Reuters) - The halls of Lebanon's toughest prison will soon be alive with the sound of music after jail authorities decided to introduce singing lessons to inmates. Prison authorities at the notorious Roumieh jail said Thursday they would also hold concerts from June as part of a campaign to improve inmates' living conditions. With help from the British embassy, the authorities have also set up a library at the jail, which has 190 inmates. Roumieh prison was rocked by riots two years ago in which several inmates were wounded. Since the violent protests, prison authorities have staged several concerts by international and leading Lebanese performers at Roumieh. A football tournament between the inmates and their guards was also played at the prison, northeast of Beirut.

+---------------------- Bizarre Laws ----------------------+ IDAHO It is illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing more than fifty pounds. You may not fish on a camel's back. It is an offense to ride on a merry-go-round on Sundays. If a police officer approaches a vehicle and suspects that the occupants are engaging in sex, he must either honk, or flash his lights and wait three minutes before approaching the car. Coeur d' Alene, ID *** ----------- Finally! A Vacuum Women Really Want ---------- WASHINGTON - Score one for the fight against female impotence. The FDA has just approved the Eros system which was designed to increase blood flow to the clitoris. Simply put; its a small tube attached to a suction cup that runs on batteries. Once the clitoris becomes properly engorged, the apparatus is removed, and.... A prescription is required, but there are no reported side effects. [Three speeds: slow, medium, and who needs a man?!] ------------- I'd Walk A Mile...For Insurance? ------------- TEHRAN - The idea is perfectly logical, but camel insurance just sounds funny. The Iranian government has decided to extend insurance to camel owners that would protect against thunder, snake bites, earthquakes, floods, and collisions with various vehicles. Almost 7,000 camels live and work in the province of Khuzestan, and with help from the government owners will soon share the same peace of mind we have with our vehicles. Literally, a new twist in policy "riders." -------------- Life-After-Death; And Stabbing -------------- VANCOUVER - Three hundred people attended the Vancouver Public Library's lecture on life-after-death which was so compelling that no one noticed the man being stabbed. Police reported no argument; someone angered the attacker by bumping his chair which he responded by knifing another man in the leg. The lecture went uninterrupted, and police arrested the suspect afterward. The victim was treated and released from a nearby hospital. ---------------- Swedish Maids Protest Porn ---------------- STOLKHOLM - While the title 'Swedish Chambermaid' conjures images of high-heeled, fishnet-wearing, feather-dusting, mavens of feminine pulchritude; the real story is a perfect example of situational irony. The members of the Swedish Hotel Workers Federation demanded that chambermaids be equipped with alarms, and to work in pairs. Confrontations with overly-excited guests, and cleaning the aftermath of hard-core porn is proving to be problematic for the maids. They feel that hotels should provide clean comfortable rooms, rather than free porn. [What a novel idea; think it'll catch on?] ------------ "Stinky Tofu" Violates Environment ------------ HONG KONG - Popular vending snack, "Stinky Tofu" was fined $1,538 for violating the rights of others to enjoy clean air. Vendors deep-fry the patties and add yeast to ferment the flavor, but the smell was not appreciated by the neighbors. Ng, who sells this tofu in the Mong Kok shopping center has been convicted on three previous occasions for stinking up the air. She claims to have paid $12,800 on an air-purifying unit, but it was obviously no match for the pungent charms of "Stinky Tofu." ------- Who Said It Doesn't Pay To Be Canadian, Ay? -------- ONTARIO - We don't know whether the Canucks should be happy that they're getting a refund, or embarrassed that their government can't count, but the fact of the matter is that the province of Ontario over-collected taxes last year and its finance minister is giving it back to the taxpayers. An estimated 4.9 million people who paid personal income tax in 1999 will be getting a check of up to $200. [This story will seem bizarre mostly to U.S. readers. Once Uncle Sam gets his hands on a greenback, it's gone.] Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* An Akron, Ohio man choked to death this week while trying to swallow a live, 5-inch fish on a dare. According to the AP, three unidentified friends had called 911 to say that Michael Gentner had a fish stuck in his throat and was having trouble breathing.

WHAT AMERICAN CITY BOASTS A MOON WALK? New Orleans. The crescent-shaped promenade along the Mississippi River is named for a former city mayor, Moon Landrieu. WHAT FOUR STATES HAVE ACTIVE VOLCANOES? Alaska, California, Hawaii, and Washington. HOW MANY DEGREES CAN A GREAT HORNED OWL TURN ITS HEAD? 270 degrees. WHICH IS THE LONGEST MUSCLE IN THE HUMAN BODY? The satorius, which runs from the pelvis across the front of the thigh to the top of the tibia below the knee

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and the police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

WHERE IN THE HUMAN BODY IS THE ONLY BONE THAT IS NOT CONNECTED TO ANOTHER BONE? In the throat, at the back of the tongue, It's the horseshoe-shaped hyoid bone, which supports the tongue and its muscles. Also known as the lingual bone, it is suspended by ligaments from the base of the skull. HOW MANY TRUE VOCAL CORDS DOES A NORMAL PERSON HAVE? Two. They are called true (or inferior) vocal cords and are involved in the production of sound. We also have a pair of false (or superior) vocal cords that have no direct role in producing the voice. WHERE ON THE HUMAN FACE IS THERE A MUSCLE KNOWN AS THE CORRUGATOR? On the forehead. Its the muscle that contracts the forehead into wrinkles and pulls the eyebrows together. KATARINA WITT & THE SKATING SUPERSTARS - Was $19.98 NOW $2.98 She has been called one of the most beautiful women in the world and now she has her own video filled with spectacular WHAT IS THE MAIN FOOD OF MOSQUITOES? Nectar from flowers, not your blood. The blood we lose to mosquitoes - females only - is needed for protein to help them lay their eggs.

i like all these little quips. those wanna-be-a-millionaire folks need to study up here first!

Yup! This is my sort of expertise! Little bits of stuff so I know just enough to get into trouble...*grin*

--------------- Banana Disobedience in Miami --------------- MIAMI - The media juggernaut of the Elian Gonzalez case rolls on as protestors throw bananas at Miami's City Hall. The bananas are in reference to the old "Banana Republics" where allegedly corrupt governments were financed by the agricultural industry. The fruit started showing up Monday. And what are Miami civil servants doing about it? They're taking the fruit home, of course. "Have any recipes for bananas?" asked Eileen Damaso, an aide to Commissioner Sanchez. --------------- Exorcism For Prison Inmate ----------------- FORT WORTH - Convinced that he was possessed by demons, a Tarrant County inmate was exorcised by the volunteer chaplain. The 38-year-convict was charged with sexually assaulting a child, and requested the ritual to be performed to rid him of evil spirits. The actual exorcism, complete with chanting, was stopped when it "became loud and potentially disruptive to the security of the facility." The chaplain was asked to leave, and his permit was taken away, but he insisted that it was simply an "individual religious service." ---------- Suicidal Bridge Lampooned On Internet --------- ST. PETERSBURG - Largo resident Mike Straub pushed the depraved envelope of entertainment when he started his "Skyway Bridge Jumper" Web site. Surfers with a taste for the dark side can log on and find out how many more will plunge to their demise; last year 11 people jumped. The creator is drawing fire from suicide prevention counselors, and family members of victims claimed by the Skyway Bridge. He argues that the Web site clearly states, "No matter what you read here, please do not jump off the bridge." ---------------- Foot Cult Busted For Fraud ---------------- TOKYO - Arrest warrants were issued to a "foot" cult and their disciples who claim to tell the future and practice medicine by examining the soles of people's feet. Located at the base of Mt. Fuji, they charge huge sums of money and claim to heal their clients. Police found children in one of the cult buildings who had been kept from school and fed only once a day. The Aum Shinri Kyo, or truth cult was also responsible for the 1995 nerve gas attack in the Tokyo subway that killed 12 people, and injured thousands. ---------- UPS Driver Gets DUI For Tea Totaling ------------ SAN FRANCISCO - After consuming 8 to 10 cups of kava tea with friends, UPS driver Taufui Piutau was issued a DUI for driving under the influence of kava. This popular herbal supplement is taken in powder form to reduce anxiety or calm stress, but he was drinking it in tea form; not pill. California Highway Patrol officers pulled him over for driving slow and weaving between lanes. He failed a field sobriety test although no alcohol, drugs, or kava were found in his urine. Despite the lack of hard evidence, authorities argue that California's drunk driving law covers any substance that impairs muscles, central nervous system, or the brain that would affect the operation of a motor vehicle. A jury trial is scheduled for June 26. [Yet another way to properly spend those tax dollars. Thanks to George H. for the lead on this story.] Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* Doctors in Milwaukee tried for seven days to cure a patient's painful hiccups with assorted therapies, including drugs and acupuncture, to no avail. According to the medical journal The Lancet, the man tried some marijuana in hopes of relieving some of the pain. The hiccups abruptly stopped. Drs. Ian Gilson and Mary Busalacchi said that although marijuana is forbidden in the U.S. for therapeutic use, "the drug should be considered when other treatments against persistent hiccups fail..." of all the hiccup remedies that don't work, I like this one best.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

HOW FAST CAN A SAILFISH SWIM - IN MILES PER HOUR? More than 60 mph, faster than any other known fish. Humans have been recorded swimming up to 5.19 mph. HOW MANY BONES ARE THERE IN THE HUMAN SKULL? 29 - the cranium has 8; the face, 15 (including the lower jaw); the ears, 6. HOW MUCH DOES AN ADULT GIRAFFE'S HEART WEIGH? About 25 pounds. Its 2 feet long, with walls up to 3 inches thick. It has quite a job pumping blood to the brain - which is sometimes 12 feet above the heart. HOW MANY NEWBORN OPOSSUMS CAN FIT IN A TEASPOON? About 24. They're very small - about .07 ounce each - at birth.

HOW MANY CALORIES DO HIBERNATING BEARS BURN DAILY? About 4,000. HOW MANY TEETH DOES A NORMAL ADULT DOG HAVE? 42 - that's 20 on the upper jaw and 22 on the lower jaw. The adult human has 32, evenly divided between upper jaws and lower jaws. THERE ARE TWO MAIN ATRIA IN THE HUMAN BODY - WHERE ARE THEY? In the heart. They are the two upper chambers (auricles) that receive the blood from the veins and pump it into the two lower chambers (ventricles). WHAT IS A FEMALE RABBIT CALLED? A doe. A male is a buck; a baby, a kit or a kitten. The act of giving birth is known as kindling.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life." A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

Why 10:10? Any reason? Is this a time folks like a lot?

It forms a Vee and each hand is easily visible as are the date window and the maker's mark and country of origin (at 12 and 6 o'clock respectively)...that is the only reason I can think of - and more aesthetic than at the 4 and 8 hours. Space Race... During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

IF YOU HEAR THUNDER 10 SECONDS AFTER YOU SEE LIGHTNING, HOW FAR AWAY WAS THE LIGHTNING? 2 miles away. Sound travels about a mile in 5 seconds. THE NAME OF WHAT FLOWER MEANS "FLESHLIKE"? The carnation, which was named for a rosy pink color developed by artists during the sixteenth century. The first carnations were that color. In Latin, carnis means "flesh." WHAT IS THE LARGEST DEER IN THE WORLD? The Alaska bull moose, which has been known to reach a shoulder height of 7 1/2 feet and a weight of up to 1,800 pounds. IN GEOLOGY, WHAT IS A CALVING? The breaking off or detachment of an iceberg from a glacier that has reached the sea, or the separation of a portion of a floating iceberg.

Artificial Bladder Scientists at Harvard Medical School have managed to grow artificial bladders that have been successfully implanted into dogs. The technique is fundamentally simple. They start with a few healthy bladder cells and let them divide and grow in an incubator. The new cells are built up in layers over a mold, which is maintained in a chemical and temperature environment similar to that of the body. Once the bladder is built up to full size, it is implanted back into the animal. This system shows great promise for growing organs for humans who currently have to wait for donor transplants.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula." A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

News of the Weird LEAD STORIES Synergy!: In October, the pharmaceutical division of Japan Tobacco, the world's third-largest cigarette company, bought the rights to lung-cancer vaccines now under development by the U.S. firms Cell Genesys and Corixa. Now under one roof are the cause, treatment and potential prevention of lung cancer. Officials in Suwon, South Korea, showing off their 580 plush public restrooms to reporters in November, hinted that the toilets were one sure way toward greater world respect. "In this era of globalization," said a government cultural official, "it is important to become the leader in the world in the cleanest bathrooms." Toilet seats are heated, violin music plays, and tasteful paintings and flower arrangements adorn the rooms. There are weekly guided tours, and according to the official, some people arrange to meet inside to have tea. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Kinder, Gentler Judiciary Cuckold Jimmy Watkins, 34, got only four months in jail for killing his wife, whom he caught in the act with her lover; the jury accepted his defense of "sudden passion" even though he fired one shot, then went out for a few minutes before returning to finish her off (Fort Worth, Texas, October). Michael Nikkanen got only probation for rape, in part so he could keep attending his son's hockey games (Ontario Court of Appeal, October). Karine Gaelle Epailly, 25, got a suspended sentence in the death of her infant daughter, whom she abandoned outside in near-freezing rain (Alexandria, Va., October). ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Continuing Crisis In July, Athens, Greece, dentist Theodoros Vassiliadis was sentenced to four years in prison based on the testimony of seven former patients. Though Vassiliadis termed his techniques "pioneering," the patients described odd-looking dental plates that were inserted with screws that were more than an inch long (allegedly taken from Vassiliadis' television set) and that pierced their sinus cavities. After a $20 million school cutback in Ontario earlier in the year that limited funding for special education, three parents of disabled children wrote Premier Mike Harris offering to donate their kidneys to raise enough money to restore the budget. Bill Webb won the annual Rio Vista (Calif.) Bass Derby in October, and his 33-pound catch was so convincing that derby sponsors declined to call private investigator Charley Johnson, who was on standby to administer lie detector tests in suspicious cases. (Increasingly, fishing contest organizers use at least the threat of the polygraph.) In September, Sheriff Charlie Logan (Pickett County, Tenn.) resigned, telling the public that he needed to fight the charges that he had been having sex with a 15-year-old girl. However, according to some observers, that was a distraction for another charge: The Tennessee Bureau of Investigation was inquiring into whether Logan cheated on his GED (high school equivalency test). (Tennessee sheriffs must be high school graduates.) The Loneliest Number: Randy Phillips graduated from Riverside Christian School in Andalusia, Ill., in May, the only member of his class. (For his senior trip, he invited two juniors along.) And an Associated Press report in August on Granby, Vt. (population 90), noted that the town had only one reported crime the previous year: Someone wrote a farmer a $300 check for six piglets, but it bounced, and no one can find the man. (The same farmer said that earlier in 1999, a woman paid cash for more piglets but shorted him, and that that might be the only crime of 1999, but it won't be counted because he didn't report it.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ People With Too Much Time on Their Hands Celebrity mother Jacqueline Stallone, previously known as a mere astrologer, recently began specializing in "rumpology," the study of a person's character and future, based on the contour of his or her butt. Stallone does not conduct hands-on examinations, but rather gets subjects to sit on sheets of inked paper and make impressions ("maps"). The left cheek supposedly indicates natural talents and personality; the right cheek shows reality vs. potential. Medium Suzane Northrop announced that she will lead a week-long, contact-the-dead cruise out of Miami in March, "NowAge 2000," with guests getting free channeling, plus seminars and workshops on psychic powers. Asked about whether the channeling guests will bother the recreational cruisers on board, organizer Cindy Clifford said: "Tough luck. There are people who go on cruises and wind up with the entire Iowa state bowling league." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Hardy Blind Bruce Edward Hall, 48 and blind, was arrested in December and charged with robbing a First Tennessee Bank in Memphis. Hall had pretended to be a customer and was escorted to a teller's window by a guard as a courtesy before presenting the teller with the holdup note. And Leon Grigsby Martin, 33, blind and carrying a white cane, was arrested in Muskegon, Mich., in September and charged with robbing two stores of a total of $340. (He got only $20 from one clerk, who might have tricked Martin into believing he was giving him higher-denomination bills.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Recurring Themes In News of the Weird earlier this year was the report on Virginian Anthony M. Rizzo Jr., who had been granted permanent disability retirement (unable to do his job as school principal) for his "psychosexual disorder," which was that it was impossible for him to supervise females without trying to force sex on them. In October 1999, Paducah, Ky., gynecologist Harold D. Crall filed a lawsuit against Provident Life & Accident Insurance Co., demanding $8,700 a month disability for what he calls a sexual addiction; because of complaints from women, the state licensing board had revoked Crall's ability to practice ob-gyn. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Undignified Deaths In Edwardsville, Ill., in October, a 48-year-old woman was accidentally shot to death by her husband as the couple posed in an Old West-style wedding photo with him holding a rifle. And in Willingboro, N.J., in November, as two partners in a record store were rehearsing what they would do if they ever got robbed, the partner acting as the clerk accidentally shot to death the partner acting as the robber. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Also, in the Last Month ... Shopper Bryan Cote parked his $2,000 bicycle in the wrong spot at the Salvation Army store in Concord, N.H., and a clerk sold it for $15. A group of Albanians demanded that the U.N. Mission in Kosovo put its mascot stray dog, Unmik, to sleep because he is "Serbian." A fastidious fingerprint-wiping burglar was caught in Pittsburgh when he slipped up and left a print on the foil wrapper of a stick of gum. The founder of Cliffs Notes, the aid for the reading-averse, funded an endowed chair in English at the University of Nebraska. A Barbados pet-shop owner was arrested by Customs in Miami trying to smuggle in 55 tortoises (value $75 each) in his pants. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ News of the Weird(tm) by Chuck Shepherd 1999(c) Chuck Shepherd. Distributed by Universal Press Syndicate All Rights Reserved. The name News of the Weird is a registered trademark of Chuck Shepherd. NEWS OF THE WEIRD(tm), founded in 1988, is a nationally syndicated newspaper column distributed by Universal Press Syndicate, Kansas City, Mo.

Bizarre News - http://www.bizarrenews.com +--------------------- Bizarre Books ----------------------+ 1. Mated With A Clown; 1884 2. Our Lady of the Potatoes; 1995 3. The Joy of the Upright Man; 1619 4. My Invisible Friend Explains the Bible; 1971 5. Follow Your Broken Nose; 1950 6. The Great Pantyhose Crafts Book; 1982 7. Pernicious Pork; or, Astounding Revelations of the Evil Effects of Eating Swine Flesh; 1903 8. Thirty-six Reasons for Believing in Everlasting Punishment; 1887 9. 1587. A Year of No Importance; n.p. 10. Life and Laughter 'midst the Cannibals; 1926 *** -------------- Students Paid To Play ----------------------- FULTON, MO. - The Information Age has caused an apparent reversal in the role of higher education. In the dim, dark time before the 1980's colleges were for studying. But now that students are spending so much time on the internet, William Woods University in Fulton says it's offering a $5,000 tuition rebate to freshmen who agree to participate in extra-curricular activities. Academic Vice President Lance Kramer says the program is designed to make sure students don't lose the ability to deal with real people. [When have kids ever had the ability to deal with people?] -------------- Press 7 To Talk To A Counselor -------------- This week's record jackpot of $366 million has spurred many people to spend more money than they can afford on the astronomically slim chance of cashing in. Because of this trend lottery officials have been cautioning people to play responsibly. Part of this effort includes an 800 help line for compulsive gamblers that appears on the back of lottery tickets. When you call the number a voice prompt gives you six options including: winning lottery numbers, jackpot amounts and lottery subscriptions. It's option number seven that connects you to a compulsive gambling counselor. [Which makes perfect sense. How can the counselors help you unless you become a compulsive gambler first? Thanks to Sandy B. for pointing out this story.] ---------- Tobacconist Makes $4.1 Million Mistake ---------- AMSTERDAM - If its true that you should learn from your mistakes; this was the one to make. The owner of a Dutch tobacco shop accidentally printed up extra lottery tickets. Dutch policy states that any extra tickets must be purchased by the ticket agent. Usually printing happens after the customer has ordered them to avoid being left with remainders. According to law, the merchant purchased the tickets and "accidentally" won 10 million guilders ($4.1 million in U.S. currency). ------ Forward This Legislation To Ten Of Your Friends ------ WASHINGTON, D.C. - If you thought lobbyists, political action committees and curvy White House interns were the only things to sway Washington politics, think again. A recent internet rumor about an email tax has spurred Congressman Fred Upton to propose new legislation. Upton's bill is designed to prevent the FCC from ever imposing an email tax. "The Federal Communications Commission has no plans to impose any such tax at the present," said Upton, "but I am troubled by the fact that there is nothing to prevent them from doing so later." [Nobody's making fun of Congress safe-guarding the freedom of the internet. I just think it's amusing that they have to.] ------- Another Reason Not to Tamper With The Mail --------- MORGANTOWN, WV. - Of all the things to put in the mail, an animal shelter in Arlington, Virginia recently received a large package containing two 10-foot pythons. The package was mailed from a downtown post office with a fake return address. Apparently no one ever gave the box a good shake, because it was delivered without incident. The snakes are reported in stable condition, and so is the woman who opened the box. Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* A British government agency has issued a health warning this week: don't buy sperm on the internet. The Human Fertility and Embryology Authority warns that there is no way of ensuring that the sperm is of good enough quality... I guess it's just the same old candy and flowers again this year... For more Classic Bizarre, visit us at: Click Here

TODAY'S TOP STORIES Hominids in Europe Pre-humans go out of Africa. ABCNEWS.com http://www.abcnews.go.com/sections/science/DailyNews/hominid_caucasus000512.html Rise in drug cocktails for children Why can't Johnny do math? This may answer that question. BBC News http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/health/newsid_746000/746455.stm Shopping For Surgery Online Hey, how much for an appendectomy? How about an organ transplant? CBS News http://cbsnews.cbs.com/now/story/0,1597,194850-412,00.shtml Salem residents upset by proposed hearse tour of infamous spots It's called the Mass Hysteria Haunted Hearse tour. CNN Interactive http://www.cnn.com/2000/US/05/13/hearse.controversy.ap/index.html Cattle, for hire: FW herd can charge for appearances Are you a long-horned steer looking for part-time work? Dallas Morning News http://dallasnews.com/metro/78561_herd_12met.ART.html Through the Looking Glass Will big mirrors keep people from jumping in front of trains in Japan? FOX News http://www.foxnews.com/etcetera/051400/mirror.sml Beach Closed by Sewage Spill Ah, the smell of the beach in the morning! Los Angeles Times http://www.latimes.com/news/state/20000514/t000045585.html Woman Sues Jack Nicholson for Assault Yet another use for the little black dress. Mr. Showbiz http://mrshowbiz.go.com/news/Todays_Stories/512/nicholsonassault051200.html The Plague of New Orleans, With Jaws of Steel, Swarming in the Streets What's the perfect addition to your New Orleans decor? Termite baits. New York Times - free registration required http://www.nytimes.com/library/national/science/051400sci-animal-termite.html Fossil gives clues into T. rex's behavior Talk about a keen sense of smell! USA Today http://www.usatoday.com/news/ndssun01.htm

THE SPIES DRIVE NICER CARS An FBI official says at least two foreign intelligence officers acting as media correspondents are currently working in the State Department's second floor pressroom enabling them to wander throughout the building. And Section Chief Timothy Bereznay told the House International Relations Committee Thursday that the FBI has been aware of the situation for some time. He said if asked, "the FBI would be willing to identify to the State Department permanent media badge holders identified as hostile intelligence officers so that their access could be restricted or their visits monitored." It's not immediately clear why the information had not previously been disclosed to the State Department. Sources however suggested that the FBI is simply trying to embarrass the State Department into improving its security. At a news conference, Secretary of State Albright joked about Bereznay's remarks. "If any of you are (spies), please identify yourselves," she quipped. According to the Department, a total of 467 press passes have been issued to journalists -- 56 of them to foreign news organizations. While pass holders are allowed to visit the first and second floors of the building, there are no barriers to stop them if they wanted to access any other floor. BUT THEY STILL HAVE LOTS OF BLACK BERETS After almost 10 years of sanctions and two major wars, the Iraqi military is just half the size it was in 1990 when it invaded Kuwait. That's according to a new report from the Center for Strategic and International Studies. Its author, Anthony Cordesman, says Saddam Hussein would need to spend up to $20 billion to rebuild his force. But he says even with major infusions of cash and weapons, it is unlikely Iraq's military would dramatically improve. Nevertheless, Iraq still has the second largest military in the Middle East, and boasts the most tanks and second-most combat aircraft in the region.

Second Fatal Accident Halts Adventure Firm ZURICH (Reuters) - A Swiss outdoor adventure company has halted operations after an American died in a bungee jumping outing it organized over the weekend the second fatal accident linked to the company in less than a year. Adventure World owner Georg Hoedle said the company had suspended all activity while police probed why the 22-year-old American hit the ground at full speed Saturday when jumping from a cable car near the Schilthorn peak in central Switzerland. ``We don't know much. The authorities are still investigating the circumstances,'' Hoedle told the Sonntags Zeitung Sunday newspaper. He declined to comment on speculation the jumper might have been using an elastic rope that was too long for the 100-meter (yard) plunge from a cable car suspended over a parking lot. He acknowledged the cable car was carrying two ropes one for the 100-meter jump and other for an 180-meter jump. But he said they were different colors and clearly marked to prevent mixing them up. Adventure World also organized a disastrous whitewater canyoning expedition last July in which 21 people drowned. A flash flood surprised the victims as they made their way down a narrow gorge near Interlaken in the Bernese Alps. Prosecutors are still weighing whether to charge company officials with criminal negligence for the deaths. Hoedle said he could not explain why the company had been linked to two such tragedies in such a short time. ``We went over our safety guidelines painstakingly after the Saxetenbach (canyoning) accident. Every staff member is safety conscious right down to his fingertips. And now this. I cannot imagine it. It is crazy.''

Chopper Fires Rockets Into Home MOSCOW (Reuters) - A woman in southern Russia was injured when a Chechnya-bound helicopter plunged into woods near her home and accidentally fired rockets into her apartment as it went down, the emergencies ministry said Monday. All 15 men on board the craft were also hurt when it fell to the ground shortly after take-off Sunday morning in the town of Nalchik, west of the rebel province. Nobody was killed. The helicopter ripped through electric cables as it fell, and the electric current caused its rockets to launch into a five-story military apartment building nearby, a ministry spokesman in Moscow said by telephone. Russia's NTV television said residents in the apartment block were lucky that the helicopter crashed too close for the missiles to gain enough speed to demolish the building completely. Russia's military also reported a separate low-altitude helicopter crash in a mountainous region of Chechnya itself on Sunday, but said nobody was seriously hurt in the incident. Russia has been battling pro-independence rebels in mainly-Muslim Chechnya since last October.

From the New York Times: Left-Handed Royals and Other Sinister Facts •About 90 percent of people are right-handed. Most of the rest are distinctly left-handed, though some are ambidextrous to one degree or another. •When both parents are right-handed, 92 percent of their children are. When one parent is left-handed, about 80 percent of the children are right-handed. When both parents are left-handed, about half their children are right-handed. •Left-handedness runs in families. In the British royal family, for example, the Queen Mother, Queen Elizabeth II, Prince Charles and Prince William are all left-handed. •Males are somewhat more likely than females to be left-handed. There is some evidence that the children of left-handed mothers and right-handed fathers are more likely to be left-handed than are the children of right-handed mothers and left-handed fathers. •In a striking 18 percent of identical twins, products of the same egg with exactly the same genetic makeup, one twin is right-handed and the other left-handed. There also seems to be a higher proportion of fraternal twins with different handedness than is the case with other siblings. •The left hemisphere of the brain controls the motor coordination of right-handed people, and the right hemisphere controls it in lefties. In almost all instances, the speech and language of right-handed people are controlled by the left side of their brain. But in left-handed people, the right hemisphere controls speech and language in at least 30 percent of the cases. •A much larger percentage of young people than old people are left-handed. This may be, as one researcher suggests, because lefties die earlier. Or it may be because in an earlier time, natural lefties were taught to write and perform other tasks with their right hands and now think of themselves as right-handed. •A disproportionate number of lefties seem to be geniuses (Einstein), artists (Leonardo, Michelangelo, Picasso) and athletes (Babe Ruth). A disproportionate number also seem to be criminals (Jack the Ripper, Billy the Kid). •Except for Jimmy Carter, every president for the last quarter-century has been left-handed. There is no question about Gerald R. Ford, George Bush or Bill Clinton. Ronald Reagan writes and eats with his right hand. But Edmund Morris, the Reagan biographer, has little doubt that Mr. Reagan is a natural lefty who is one of those who were trained to use their right hands. In the movies, Mr. Morris says, Mr. Reagan always twirled and shot pistols with his left hand, and as president, he always waved with his left hand. The presidential string is about to be broken. Vice President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush are both right-handed.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill. Almonds are a member of the peach family. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

WHAT ANIMAL HAS THE LARGEST EYES - EACH A FOOT OR MORE IN DIAMETER? The giant squid. The largest creature without a backbone, it weighs up to 2.5 tons and grows up to 55 feet long. WHAT ELEMENT IS NAMED AFTER A STATE? Californium, first produced in 1950 by scientists at the University of California at Berkley. WHAT IS UNIQUE ABOUT THE FOOD-CATCHING TECHNIQUE OF THE ANHINGA - ALSO KNOWN AS THE SNAKEBIRD, DARTER OR WATER TURKEY? It spears fish with its long, straight, sharp bill - the only bird to do so. It has extra cervical vertebrae, which enable it to coil its neck and then release it with viper-like speed. HOW FAST CAN AN OSTRICH RUN? About 40 miles per hour - taking strides of 12 to 15 feet.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill. Almonds are a member of the peach family. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Ann, Interesting about left-handedness. Both my father and his brother were ambidextrous and could write equally well with either hand! All children were right-handed, as I recall - their wives were, also.

Dumb Law -- Get Out! But Leave Your Blouse! In Michigan, a man has legal possession of his wife's clothes. If she decides to leave him, she must relinquish her clothes to him, even what she is wearing!

HOW MANY ICEBERGS ARE THERE IN THE WORLD? Approximately 320,000. WHAT IS THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THE SHAMROCK, THE EMBLEM OF IRELAND? According to legend, St. Patrick chose the three-leaflet plants as the symbol of the Trinity. He is said to have used it to drive the snakes of Ireland into the sea. The word shamrock is derived from the Irish seamrog, meaning "trefoil." WHAT IS A DIADROMOUS FISH? A fish - such as salmon or sturgeon - that can exist in both salt water and fresh water. HOW MANY AVERAGE-SIZE HOUSES CAN YOU MAKE FROM ONE GIANT SEQUOIA - THE BIGGEST LIVING THING ON EARTH TODAY? Fifty. The sequoia often extends 300 feet in height and 25 feet in diameter. Its seed weighs only 1/6000 ounce.

In Virginia, a man may curse and/or abuse his wife, provided he does it in a low voice.

Sydney thieves steal deadly spiders, spark scare SYDNEY, Australia (Reuters) -- Thieves broke into a Sydney pet shop and stole 20 giant bird-eating spiders and 20 scorpions, police said on Tuesday, warning residents to avoid the potentially lethal arachnids. The thieves also stole 150 hermit crabs during a break-in late on Monday. "The owner of the store regards these spiders as one of the most dangerous in the world as their venom has a rapid effect on the human central nervous system, causing victims to lapse into coma and even death," police inspector David Hudson said in a statement. "These animals are very hard to miss as they resemble a tarantula ... with nine millimeter (0.35 inch) long fangs," Hudson said. Stephen Weeks, owner of the Urban Animals Pet Centre from where the spiders -- Selenecosmia sterling -- were stolen, said he did not sell the spiders for pets but kept them for display mounting. He appealed to the thieves for their return. "I don't care if they get left in a box on the back step ... I just want them back," Weeks told reporters. Giant bird-eating spiders are found in Australia's north and west and are closely related to species found in Papua New Guinea, South America and elsewhere. They have bodies up to 6 centimeters (2.4 inches) long and have a leg span of about 160 millimeters. The spiders have been the target of animal smugglers in Australia and Mexico and are kept by collectors of exotic pets. Copyright 2000 Reuters. All rights reserved.

Why is something genuine called "the Real McCoy?" The "real" McCoy is most likely a person named Kid McCoy. Kid McCoy was the world welterweight boxing champion from 1890 to 1900. McCoy was such a popular fighter that other, lesser-known fighters traveling the small-town boxing circuit claimed to be Kid McCoy in order to draw crowds and increase the size of the gate revenue. The problem of imitators became so problematic that McCOy began calling himself as Kid "The Real" McCoy.

Dumb Law -- Bull Fighting? In Washington, D.C., it is not lawful to punch a bull in the nose.

There are more chickens than people in the world. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched." On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.

New Jersey is the eggplant capital of the world? Well, it is the garden state. I think New Jersey is also noted for its tomatoes. Both eggplants and tomatoes are related to deadly nightshade, so are potatoes. Do they grow potatoes in New Jersey?

Here I thought they were saying The Garbage State... Not much in the way of potatoes commercially. Long Island (New York) is the best. Lots of good stuff grows in the sandy soil of south Jersey - I was born there and their tomatoes and cantaloupes are wonderful. *hunger pangs raging inside*

What is it New Yorkers say? I know, it is that if you go to the top of the RCA Building, you can smell New Jersey. South Jersey has pretty much an identity of its own, much like Western Pennsylvania. In both cases in sometimes seems as if these fragments would prefer to seperate from their other halves, and form their own state.

That is true! The northwest of Jersey is lovely, but the northeast has all the chemical plants and the entire place stinks! Oh well, they had to build them someplace...

WHAT CREATURE PRODUCES SPERM THAT ARE 2/3 INCH LONG - THE LONGEST IN THE WORLD? Some fruit flies of the genus Drosophilia. Their sperm, more than 300 times longer than human sperm, are six times longer than the fly itself - but hair thin and are balled up. HOW MANY TIMES PER SECOND DOES A MOSQUITO BEAT ITS WINGS? Up to 600. HOW MANY CONSTELLATIONS ARE THERE? 100,000. HOW MUCH HORSEPOWER DOES THE TYPICAL HORSE PROVIDE? About 24. Horsepower is the power needed to lift 33,000 pounds 1 foot in a minute. Scientists came up with the 24 horsepower figure based on a horse weighing about 1,320 pounds.

Bizarre News for May 20, 2000 +------------------- Bizarre Lawyers ----------------------+ A former insurance official in Kansas hurt himself trying to life his briefcase from his car trunk. Even though he missed no work or even a golf game on account of the injury, he was awarded $95,000 because of the work-related injury. A law firm in New Orleans routinely billed four hours of work for letters that were only one sentence in length. a Chicago lawyer charged $25,000 for "ground transportation" while on business in San Francisco. A Kansas lawyer received close to $35,000 in workman's compensation because he hurt his shoulder reaching into the backseat of the car for his briefcase. A lawyer while working on a government contract, wrote a definition of the words "and/or" that was over 300 words in length. ---------------- Scientists Unleash "The Spoat" ------------- CANADA - Biotechnicians have created a new genetic miracle by implanting spider genes into goats. The result? Goats who produce milk with silky fibers fine enough and strong enough to be utilized as surgical sutures. Jeffrey Turner, the scientist who perfected the procedure, reported, "We have combined the old and the new. The old is represented by the goats and their milk...the new is genetic engineering." Other potential uses for the stringy lactose could be as a replacment for Kevlar, to cover dome stadiums or even applications in the aerospace industry. [Why goats? Why not chickens? Then you could have eight drums sticks per bird.] ----- Man Brings Stock Meeting To Close With Grenade ------ HOUSTON, TX - A former employee of R&B Falcon Corp. brought a shareholder meeting to a screaming halt when he began waving around a hand grenade. 72-year-old Andre Piazza regularly attends the oil drilling contractor's annual meetings and unfortunately the other stockholders have grown accustomed to listen to him argue with Chairman Paul Lloyd about the company's finances. After being asked to save his comments until later Piazza produced out his grenade and pulled the pin. About 60 fat cats b-lined for the exit and Piazza was overpowered in the rush. Bomb squad officers said the grenade was inert and could not have exploded. [The only way this story could be any better is if Piazza had said, "Excuse me while I whip this out."] -------- Baseball Players Take Lives Into Own Hands -------- CHICAGO, IL - Those Angolinos are tougher than I thought. A fight broke out at Chicago's Wrigley Field during Tuesday's Cubs-Dodgers game. Trouble started in the bottom of the ninth when a fan allegedly hit Dodgers catcher Chad Kreuter in the back of the head. The bizarre part occurred when several Los Angeles players climbed into the stands looking for the perpetrators. This was no Pellegrino sipping L.A. crowd, this was thousands of Chicagoans hopped up on beer and bratwursts. No lives were lost, however, and play resumed after a minimum of order was restored. -------------- Mr. Potato Head; Abducted ----------------- PROVIDENCE, RI - Poor Mr. Potato Head has suffered through yet another grizzly abduction. The 6-foot-tall, 136-pound spud sculpture was gracing the front of The Providence Journal building when witnesses saw two men loading it onto a truck. This statue is one of many placed around the city by the office of tourism proclaiming Rhode Island as the "Birthplace Of Fun." The note left behind simply said, "Don't worry, you'll get him back." Our starchy friend was later found on the Brown University campus covered with fake news articles about his theft. Similar crimes include vandalism, and a cold-hearted dismemberment. ------------------ Practice Makes Perfect ------------------ NEW ORLEANS - Trying to improve your driving skills? Carlton Jackson was accused of stealing truck cabs in order to improve his truck driving skills; not for the money. He would deftly unhitch the trailers from the cabs, then drive the rigs around for a couple of days before he would abandon them a few blocks from his New Orleans residence. Detectives first found the trailers with all cargo in tact before tracking down the 10 or more cabs near his home. After searching his home, they did indeed find several applications for local driving schools. [Sign reads: Caution Student Driver/Thief At The Wheel.] --------------- Saved Suicide Sap Sues -------------------- LIMA, Peru - Even though suicide is illegal in the country of Peru, this did not stop Juan Aliago from suing three policemen who saved his life. It seems that Aliago really wanted to do the act and was miffed that these dutiful policemen pulled him off a ledge. Instead of trying to his attempts at suicide, he decided to take his anger out on the rescuers and is suing for the equivalent of $700,000. Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* A cooking show in England has promised a nasty surprise in an upcoming "TV Dinners" episode-- placenta pate. An unnamed family invited 20 of their closest friends and a television film crew to dine on the frozen afterbirth of their daughter's child. According to the London Independent, the baby's father had "14 helpings", and his wife declared that "serving the placenta will be a family tradition now..." yeah, the Addams Family...

WHAT IS THE WORLD'S TALLEST GRASS, WHICH SOMETIMES GROWS 130 FEET OR MORE? Bamboo. WHAT WAS THE NAME FOR THE FIRST COMPUTER USED FOR WEATHER RESEARCH? MANIAC - an acronym for Mathematical Analyzer, Numerical Integrator and Computer. WHAT TEMPERATURE DO HONEYBEES MAINTAIN THERE HIVES YEAR-ROUND? An even 94 degrees Fahrenheit. WHAT COLOR IS THE BLOOD OF AN OCTOPUS? Pale bluish-green.

BIZARRE NEWS OF THE WEEK -------------- Moon Nearly Nuked In Cold War -------------- The Pentagon: It has been revealed that a secret U.S. project in the 1950's called for detonating an atom bomb on the moon as a demonstration of the nation's Cold War might. The project was never carried out. But the planning included calculations by astronomer Carl Sagan - then a young graduate student. Officials believed that viewing the nuclear flash from Earth might have intimidated the Soviets and boosted Americans' confidence. A missile was to carry a small nuclear device and launched toward the moon, where it would be detonated upon impact. Officials apparently abandoned the idea because of the danger to people on Earth in case of a failure. [Thanks Harold for putting us on to this story in Air Force Times. Bizarre knows no bounds...] --------------- Just Call Him Bishop Naughty --------------- NEW YORK - Here's an award-winning career change; from bishop to cybersex writer. John Shelby Spong, former leader of the Diocese of New Jersey will be writing a new monthly column that will address issues of sexuality and how they relate to religion. "It's an attempt to discuss sexuality in a serious way... some people are treating this as some sort of salacious thing," remarked Spong. His new site ThePosition.com is being set up by former Penthouse editor, Jack Heidenry where the first issue questions if the Ten Commandments are biased against women. [Hey, its all in the name in higher spirituality right?] ---------------- Robber "Picked" By Victims ---------------- MEXICO CITY - Passengers on a Mexico City bus rallied together against their would-be robber, and killed him with his own ice pick. The robber/victim boarded a downtown bus, took out his weapon, and demanded cash from the other 20 passengers. They quickly obliged his request by taking his ice pick away; then they stabbed him to death ending his crime spree. Mexico City has a reputation for rampant street crimes where the victims take justice into their own hands. [It could have been worse; he could have used a melon-baller.] ------------------ Sweaty Swedish Succeed ------------------ STOCKHOLM - If you thought professional wrestling skimmed the surface of legitimate sporting events; you have to witness the Swedish national sauna championships. This grueling event requires men and women to outlast each other in a 212 degree Fahrenheit steam bath. The new women's champion Hilkka Loimi had a profound reflection about her victory, "It was hot." Her sweltering success took an entire four minutes and 28 seconds following closely behind the men's title time of five minutes and 10 seconds. [Who knew that sitting and sweating was a legitimate sport?] ------------------- Hemp Discrimination -------------------- The government agency that runs Boston's public transportation network is being sued in federal court for rejecting three advertisements from a group that wants police to stop arresting people who smoke marijuana. A spokesman for "Change the Climate" complained that the MBTA routinely carries government-produced anti-drug ads - and these infringe upon their rights. The lawsuit - filed on behalf of the group by the American Civil Liberties Union of Massachusetts - alleges the MBTA is ignoring federal court rulings that prohibit it from rejecting ads whose point of view it disagrees with. MBTA spokesman Brian Pedro, however, said the transit agency has the right to turn down ads it deems offensive or contains "promotional material that is harmful to juveniles." He added that the MBTA also doesn't allow tobacco ads on its trains, buses or subway stations. [Change the Climate should join with Act Up just for grins.] ------------ Doctor Blows House To Kingdom Come ------------ MASSACHUSETTS - Dr. William Moore of Boxford, Mass. was doing a little home improvement with a rented backhoe in his yard when he noticed a strong smell of natural gas. He called the gas company to report it, but before they could send anyone out the good doctor called back to tell them not to bother. His house was gone. The explosion and resulting fire completely consumed his five-bedroom, half-million dollar home. [We can only pray that Dr. Moore is better with a knife than he is with a backhoe.] Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* Alberto J. Vasquez did pretty well when donned a mask and robbed a Dunkin' Doughnuts last week. He and a friend made off with over $1400. But he did some dumb stuff too. Alberto used to work at this same Dunkin' Doughnuts, and an employee thought he recognized Alberto's voice during the robbery. He was even more certain when Alberto's accomplice called him by his nickname "A.J." Police then followed a trail of coins and footprints leading directly to his apartment building, two doors down from the shop... you have the right to remain stupid...

WHAT POPULAR TREAT DID 11-YEAR-OLD FRANK EPPERSON ACCIDENTALLY INVENT IN 1905 AND PATENT IN 1924? The Popsicle, which he originally marketed as the Epsicle. Epperson inadvertently made the first one when he left a glass of lemonade with a spoon in it on a windowsill - and it froze overnight. IN WHAT DIRECTION DOES THE JET-STREAM FLOW? From west to east. HOW DID THE HORSE CHESTNUT TREE GET ITS NAME? From the early use of its chestnuts as a medicine for horses. WHY ARE MERCURY AND VENUS KNOWN AS INFERIOR PLANETS? Their orbits are closer to the sun than Earth's orbit. Planets orbiting the sun beyond Earth are referred to as superior planets.

News of the Weird * In April, Japan's ultra-serious Seibotu Raiders easily beat a more relaxed European team in the finals of the Kemijarvi international snowball championship in Finland, and afterward, several Japanese players urged Winter Olympics officials to recognize their sport. (Teams start with seven players and 270 snowballs on a field just larger than a tennis court, with some protective barriers; a direct hit eliminates a player, and the first team to seize the other's goal flag wins.) * Punch-Drunk From Litigation: The Brown & Williamson Tobacco company recently added another quixotic 800-number telephone message, this time featuring a male chorus serenading callers with "Oooh, the tobacco plant is a lovely plant / Its leaves so broad and green / But you shouldn't think about the tobacco plant / If you're still a teen." A 1999 message featured a sexy male voice intoning, "Brown & Williamson Tobacco is in love. We're a giant corporation, and you make us feel like a little kitten." "Thank you, lover." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Active Seniors At a January hearing in LaCrosse, Wis., child-molester Ellef J. Ellefson, 95, was ordered to remain confined beyond his sentence because experts said he was still incorrigible. Mr. Deo Dubbs, 88, was sentenced to probation-only in April in Sarasota, Fla., for buying crack cocaine, which he said gives him "pep." In April, first-time arrestee Ruth A. Goelz, 81, was charged in Hollywood, Fla., with running a $200,000 Ponzi scheme. Retiree Charles John Swanson, 71, was arrested in January for two armed bank robberies, allegedly committed because he was having trouble affording his rent in Palo Alto, Calif. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Cultural Diversity * Camel Mania: A January New York Times report from Selcuk, Turkey, described the massively popular sport of camel-fighting (in which one-ton camels in mating season simply push against each other until one falls over), which brings fame to the winning owner. And in a March New York Times profile, well-to-do Istanbul builder Ethem Erkoc revealed that he has constructed 10 swimming pools for Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi, who permits his favorite camels to frolic in them. * Henk Otte, 43, lives most of the year as an unemployed construction worker in an Amsterdam, Netherlands, housing project, but he is also the chief of about 40 villages (100,000 people) in a region of Ghana about 45 miles from the capital of Accra. According to a January Associated Press dispatch, Otte was visiting with his Ghanan-born wife in 1995 when suddenly natives concluded he was their reincarnated king. At that time, Otte's reaction was that the villagers were "insane," but now says that being king "is my destiny." * The Hanoi (Vietnam) Institute of Social Sciences reported in February that many men, fearful toward the end of the lunar new year, had apparently turned to sex with pregnant prostitutes as a way of releasing evil spirits. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Well, Sure! * Male Stereotypes Come to Life: In January, Quebec researcher Jim Pfaus told the Montreal Gazette that the rat is the "ultimate example" of the male mammal always on the lookout to copulate with new females and that when given alcohol, male rats notoriously re-attempt sex with females who had just rejected them. And schoolbus driver Alexandre Belvu, 31, was arrested in Brooklyn, N.Y., in January for taking three kids on a ride that lasted eight hours because he couldn't find their school and apparently would not stop to ask directions. * Unfair Ethnic Stereotypes Come to Life: In March, police chasing an escaped circus tiger in a suburb of Warsaw, Poland, accidentally shot and killed the veterinarian trying to tranquilize it. And according to a February New York Times story, the textile company Francital has developed a fabric specially treated to absorb perspiration and body odors for people who can't bathe for up to 30 days at a time; the company is headquartered in France. * Jose Chavarria, 37, was convicted of involuntary manslaughter in Adel, Iowa, in February. He had killed his friend Jorge Villalobos only minutes after lamenting to friends that a psychic had told him that Villalobos was planning to kill him first. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Well-Put Sang Lee, the owner of a custom slaughterhouse near Minneapolis-St. Paul that serves the Hmong-American community (and speaking to a St. Paul Pioneer Press reporter in January concerning complaints about heavy slaughterhouse traffic): "We (Hmongs, natives of Laos and Thailand) have a complex culture, and we have to sacrifice animals a lot." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Learning to Kill Before They Learn to Shave In February, an 8-year-old boy, coming to his mother's aid, stabbed her abusive boyfriend to death in Coker Creek, Tenn. And in an Islamic public execution in Kandahar, Afghanistan, in February, a 10-year-old boy, now the eldest male in the family, took a rifle and did the honors to the man who had killed his father. And in Dover Township, N.J., in March, a 10-year-old boy argued with his father over missing chocolate icing and then, when the father sarcastically suggested the kid just take a knife and kill him, the kid complied. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Update In the five years since Bill Davis made News of the Weird by settling his 20-year dispute with Rhode Island over the pile of 10 million used tires (he says it's 30 million) on his property in Smithfield, contractors have gradually removed 4 million tires, at 79 cents each, and sold them as fuel. Federal and state officials still believe that a fire on the land would cause catastrophic environmental damage to Narragansett Bay, in that each melted tire would release about a quart and a half of oil. (A similar fire in Westley, Calif., in September burned for a month.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Least Competent Criminals Ill-Conceived Crimes: In Biloxi, Miss., in January, Ronald Dean Cherry, 52, was arrested after he called the Treasure Bay Casino and threatened to start shooting their customers unless the company delivered $100,000 within two hours to his home (address helpfully provided by Cherry). And Ronald Keith Graham, 45, was arrested in Des Moines, Iowa, in February and charged with burglary; according to police, he had stolen a TV set but rather than try to sell it to one of Des Moines' other 200,000 residents, he invited its former owners to his apartment, where he offered to sell it back to them for $150 and even suggested an easy payment plan. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Also, in the Last Month ... A 26-year-old woman started an agency to say prayers for people too busy to say their own (at $1.50 a day and up) (Milan, Italy). A woman was convicted of arranging for her lover to get a penile implant using her estranged husband's health insurance (New York City). A 20-year-old, brand-new mother was arrested in Cedar Rapids, Iowa; she had allegedly dealt $650 worth of cocaine from her room in the maternity ward. An Israeli rabbinical council authorized three tons of bread for starving Ethiopians but, because it was Passover week, was forced to send only religiously correct but notoriously hard-to-digest unleavened bread. The Centers for Disease Control estimated that a 20-cent tax increase on a six-pack of beer would reduce gonorrhea in young adults by 9 percent. ################################################################ News of the Weird(tm) by Chuck Shepherd 2000(c) Chuck Shepherd. Distributed by Universal Press Syndicate All Rights Reserved. The name News of the Weird is a registered trademark of Chuck Shepherd.

Moose Muggings Plague Toronto TORONTO (Reuters) - Canada's largest city is mounting a special patrol of police and parks officials to protect its downtown ``moose'' from more attacks by big-game vandals. The fiberglass, life-size moose, installed around Toronto as part of its Moose in the City promotion, have become the targets of vandals and graffiti attacks. Local companies bought the moose to help raise charity funds and boost tourism. Since they appeared, several have had their antlers torn off. That's outraged Toronto mayor Mel Lastman, who denounced the vandals as ``irresponsible'' and ``stupid'' and announced on Tuesday the creation of the special patrol, as well as a 24-hour hotline for citizens to call if they see any more moose muggings. ``These (moose sculptures) are done by Toronto's finest artists,'' the mayor said. Five of the 28 moose so far exhibited in Toronto streets were vandalized. One, purchased by the Canadian Red Cross, had its companion, a fiberglass beaver, kidnapped. But the moose in the heart of the city's financial district was got the worst treatment. Its antlers were ripped off four times in the last month, said its creator Michale Payeur, who suspects the mischief was committed by party-goers coming out of downtown night clubs or dejected hockey fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs. ``The first couple of times, I really just thought it was because the antlers were not strong enough and people were not doing it deliberately, but that they were just trying to lift themselves on top of the moose,'' he told Reuters. Companies can buy a moose sculpture for C$6,500 ($4,300). Mayor Lastman personally launched the Moose in the City promotion last February, aiming to attract about 2 million tourists to Toronto this summer. It was inspired by last year's Chicago Cow Parade, which was credited with attracting about 2 million tourists and boosting the local economy by about $200 million. About 300 moose are expected to be around Toronto streets until October.

Oh, The Time To Paint Those Nails Anne Boleyn had six fingernails on one hand, even though there were only five fingers on that hand. She had a small extra fingernail coming out of the side of her little finger. Some early accounts claimed that she actually had six fingers, although this was later corrected by George Wyatt to be the extra fingernail, rather than a whole finger. Some still disbelieve this tale, while others claim it to be true. (I thought she was reputed to have extra other things, as well...)

Vampire Fans on the Track of Drac POIANA BRASOV, Romania (Reuters) - Six hundred years after he earned the nickname ``Vlad the Impaler'' for disposing of victims on stakes, the warrior who inspired Bram Stoker's horror novel Dracula still has bite. Scholars, artists and fans from around the globe gathered in Romania Thursday for the Second World Dracula Congress, four days of lectures and debate on the blood-sucking legend. Time not consumed by academic pursuits was to be devoted to vampire-oriented entertainment, local wine (red) and repeated exposure to garlic, a feature of Transylvanian cuisine despite its alleged efficacy as a vampire repellent. The inspiration for Dracula was Vlad Tepes, the son of Vlad Dracul, a humble guard commander who was made ruler of Wallachia for fighting against the Turks, before he was murdered. Blood-curdling local legends about his son, who reclaimed the throne after a rebellion, helped inspire the Irish novelist Stoker's 1897 novel, as well as more than 180 films and other undead entertainments. ``Romania is the spiritual home for people interested in ghosts, vampires and the paranormal,'' said Alan Murdie, head of Britain's Ghost Club, as the event got under way in a dim, communist-era conference hall in this Transylvanian resort in forested mountains 105 miles north of Bucharest. Screenings of Gothic horror classics also are on the menu, and the launch of the latest learned book of the genre ''Dracula: Sense and Nonsense,'' by Elizabeth Miller of Newfoundland, Canada. ``I would like to bring DVD (digital-videodisc technology) and the Gothic together,'' said Paul Whiffen, from the British island Guernsey, who is developing a version of British author Sheridan Le Fanu's 19th century Gothic thriller Carmilla using the technology. Whiffen's DVD project, called ``Daughters of Darkness,'' stars two buxom blond British models and mixes rock music with the voices of Bulgarian women singers. Another event at the congress will be an evening session with Ingrid Pitt, a famed star of British Hammer horror thrillers, who will screen her cult classic ``Vampire Lovers.'' Pitt, hidden behind dark sunglasses, said her next project was a ``Dracula turns vegetarian'' movie. The film is in the pipeline, she says, mysteriously declining to disclose any details. Local organizers from the Transylvanian Society of Dracula (TSD) are trying to use the Dracula legend to draw tourists to Romania. But their efforts have been thwarted so far by three years of economic recession, which show in potholed roads and a still predominantly state-owned tourist infrastructure, badly in need of major capital investments. ``Dracula is a Western myth, and we want to put its magic to work here in Transylvania,'' said TSD president and conference host Nicolae Paduraru. His society organizes tours of Transylvania for Dracula aficionados and sells fiery local spirits, such as The House of Dracula plum brandy, or Alucard Dracula backward -- another brandy, at $2 per flask as souvenirs. Souvenir hunters at the conference also could take home palm-sized wooden coffins, certified to contain particles of earth from under Castle Dracula in Transylvania.

BIZARRE NEWS +---------------------- Bizarre Laws ----------------------+ Arizona 1. Cars may not be driven in reverse. 2. Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American. 3. Hunting camels is prohibited. 4. You may not have more than two dildos in a house. 5. Women may not wear pants. 6. A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up. 7. It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling. 8. It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water. *** ------------------ The Lord Loses Lawsuit ------------------ MUNICH, Germany - Three theologians filed a lawsuit by proxy for Jesus Christ. They decided that both Protestant and Roman Catholic churches have brought the Lord's name into disrepute. The plaintiff's calling themselves, "brothers in spirit" argue that the church's roles contributing to wars had disqualified them from calling themselves Christians. They tried to invoke a law that allows people to defend the reputations of their dead relatives. "In view of their bloody history, it's a fraud," one member told the court. The judge threw the case out of court because Christians believe that Christ rose from the dead, thereby disqualifying him for posthumous representation. -------------------- Moose Mugging Melee ------------------- TORONTO - More tales of Canadian grief to report concerning the city's new promotional moose sculptures. The life-sized novelties have been vandalized, kidnapped, and sprayed with graffiti. Toronto's outraged mayor, Mel Lastman, publicly denounced the vandals and arranged for a special patrol, as well as a 24-hour hotline to ward off the moose malignments. So far five of the 28 exhibited throughout the city have been vandalized, and one purchased by the Canadian Red Cross came with a special pal; a fiberglass beaver. Said beaver has also been kidnapped. ------------- I'm Dreaming Of A Lewd Christmas ------------- NEW YORK - The creators of the lampoon music c.d., "Matt Rogers' Rated X Mas" are fighting a lawsuit filed in U.S. federal court by the company who owns the copyrights to some of our most popular holiday tunes. "Rudolf the Deep Throat Reindeer" and "Frosty the Pervert" might be missing from under the tree this year because the plaintiffs allege that the songs are not parodies as claimed by the defendants. The suit alleges that the songs are, "...simply unauthorized exploitations of the plaintiffs' famous holiday songs for cynical commercial gain, with the lyrics of the original works replaced by lewd lyrics." The final results of the lawsuit could officially put an end to Rudolf's life as a transvestite. ------------- Man On Time For His Own Funeral -------------- MADISON, Wisconsin - Bill Robert was on a mission to leave this world in style, but he didn't want to miss the tributes and accolades from his friends. He decided to throw his own funeral. The 89-year-old walked in front of his coffin and the six pallbearers during the Dixieland jazz procession. He invited hundreds of people as a gesture to pay back all of the wonderful friends he had made during his life. He got the idea when his friend Ginny O'Brien was asked to sing at a funeral last year. He commented about how sad it was that the deceased couldn't hear her music. ----------------- OJ Gets Bitch-Slapped ------------------- CALIFORNIA - OJ just can't catch a break. It seems that he is just destined to "have bad luck" as police were called to the scene to protect him from his enraged girlfriend. That's right, police entered his house after neighbors grew concerned at the loud ruckus. OJ's lady friend was restrained after she continued to pull his hair, scratch his face and generally "beat him up." No charges were levied. ------------------ Thanks For Dropping In ------------------ DERRY, N.H. - While it's unclear how the car actually got onto the roof of the house, police estimate that it was airborne for about 150 feet before crashing into the bedroom of Joanne and Mahlon Donovan. "The thing was right in front of my face," Mr. Donovan, 65, said. "I could feel the heat from the exhaust system coming through the sheets." The 20-year-old who was driving the car was later arrested for drunk driving. The unexpected arrival of an automobile into her bedroom was insufficient to awaken Mrs. Donovan, however, who had to be shaken awake after the crash. Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* A man in Dublin is suing the Bank of Ireland for damages after he lit himself on fire. John Coffey was denied a $2900 loan by bank officials, so he went to his car, returned with a can of gasoline, and doused himself. He took out his cigarette lighter and asked to "see his file again." When three police officers grabbed him, the lighter sparked, and Coffey went up in flames...

David sent these: 1 WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence. 2 WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS! Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up. 3 WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account. 4 SOME DAYS, IT JUST DOESN'T PAY! Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..." 5 THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. 6 DO-IT-YOURSELF BRAIN SURGERY?? In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain. 7 DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I said! 8 OUCH, THAT SMARTS!! A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants," said police spokesman Mike Carey. Police have the man's charred trousers in custody. 9 ARE WE COMMUNICATING?? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted, "this is her husband!" 10 NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

NEWS OF THE WEIRD * Seven Brigham Young University students recently organized a Fight Club, inspired by the Brad Pitt movie and periodically drawing as many as 300 screaming spectators to watch college-age men pound each other into submission. Unlike in the movie, boxing gloves are used, and hunk-admiring women constitute almost half the audience, according to an April Salt Lake Tribune report. (Fighting is not against the BYU Honor Code, although watching the R-rated "Fight Club" movie is, and the fights are held late enough at night so as not to violate the Mormon "family home evening" concept.) * More than 500 accidental electrocutions were reported in Russia last year from people stealing power line electrical cables for resale as scrap metal. According to an April New York Times dispatch, more than 15,000 miles of power lines have been pulled down in recent years, rendering millions of households dark for weeks at a time. One recent victim, interviewed in intensive care, said he was confident when he saw a single line left on a pole, believing that thieves had taken the other lines safely; he is now without his left arm, right leg and colon. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Americanization of China According to a January Associated Press report, China has a government-sanctioned UFO research organization with 50,000 members, processing 500 alleged sightings a year, which is to be expected, said the director, because extraterrestrials, too, are interested in the country's rapidly developing markets. And Professor Liu Dalin opened a sex museum last year in Shanghai, with 1,000 exhibits, including a historical, imperial-palace stamp used to mark the derrieres of virgin girls. And according to an April Wall Street Journal story, there has been a recent "explosion" of successful litigation in China by elderly parents suing their children for failing to care for them in old age. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Ooops! * The British supermarket chain Tesco announced in January that its film-processing department had collected a total of 24,000 photographs over the years in which customers had accidentally snapped shots with a finger on the lens (the right middle finger being the most popular). * Hussen Farah Mohammed, 46, was released from jail in Bloomington, Minn., in January after 16 months' incarceration for entering the U.S. illegally from Canada; he said he had accidentally wandered across the unmarked border while in the woods birdwatching, but after he was captured, Canada refused to take him back. And Houston car mechanic Edgar Garfield Gibbons, 41, returned to the U.S. in March after nine months in jail in Georgetown, Guyana, to which country he had been mistakenly deported when he was confused with a New Jersey man of the same name. * In December, former Gastonia, N.C., prison guard Timothy Ramey filed a legal challenge to his dismissal, saying the precipitating incident was merely a minor mistake. Ramey was arguing with his superintendent about something and became so frustrated that, in an effort to "ignore" what his boss was saying, Ramey reached into his briefcase, "pulled the first thing out" that he found, and pretended to concentrate on that. It was a copy of Playboy magazine, which infuriated the superintendent. * In December, a joint committee of the Colorado Legislature approved an emergency grant of $75,000 to Morgan Community College in Fort Morgan, Colo., after it dawned on administrators that, because of "an oversight in the plan for the project," the just-finished student center building had no restrooms. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ I Don't Think So * Latest Unsuccessful DUI Excuses: John B. Byrnes, Windsor County, Vt. (January): claimed he was in the passenger seat, and that it was his setter ("Becky") that was driving. Ronald McDonald Jr., 40, Norristown, Pa. (November): claimed he drove a short distance only so his girlfriend could clean her hands after changing a diaper so she wouldn't dirty the steering wheel. A 76-year-old man, Milwaukee (February): claimed he was under a doctor's orders, driving or not, to have two drinks a day. * In 1996, a federal court in Miami ordered Cuba to pay $187 million to the families of three Cuban-American men on protest flights shot down by Cuban military jets in open waters. In November 1999 (three weeks before Elian Gonzalez was rescued off the Florida coast), in perhaps a retaliatory court proceeding at Havana's Provincial Popular Tribunal, the United States was found to have harmed Cuba through 40 years of "aggressi(on)" and was ordered to pay the Castro government $181 billion. * In February in Largo, Fla., James Brian Kuenn, 40, was convicted of killing a teen-age girl, despite his claim that she had accidentally fallen and hit her head; Kuenn said he was so embarrassed at the accident that he made it look like murder to throw police off. And Thomas Storey, 27, was sentenced to 26 years in prison in Santa Ana, Calif., in December for murdering his wife, despite his claim that she had actually killed herself; he said he stabbed her dead body 25 times only to simulate murder to spare their son the shame of his mother's suicide. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Well-Put Saskatchewan legislator Brad Wall, lamenting in December the invasion of bats at Regina General hospital: "I'm not sure what is more disturbing: the fact that nurses spend part of their day catching bats or that nurses were advised not to catch these particular bats because they could be rabid." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Recurring Themes * Twice in the last five weeks, News of the Weird has reported on dental-office abuses in the U.S. In November, a Melbourne, Australia, dentist was accused by the Victorian Dental Board of professional misconduct for allegedly engaging in the unauthorized (but not unheard of) facial-pain remedy of administering ozone through the patient's rectum, including 15 treatments to one patient in a three-week period. Advocates of the treatment say it can also be administered in the ear. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Least Justifiable Homicides At a village near Jericho in the Israeli-occupied West Bank, police said a Muslim woman beat her 10-day-old son to death in January because he preferred to be breastfed by his father's other wife. And in Tokyo in March, Mitsuko Yamada, 36, pled guilty to killing a 2-year-old girl, apparently solely so that Yamada would no longer have to face the girl's mother, who had allegedly ignored Yamada during the neighborhood playground's social hour when mothers gather while their kids play. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Also, in the Last Month ... A German shepherd police dog was caught shoplifting a slab of prime rib from a grocery store (Waukesha, Wis.). Police said two arrested drug dealers had been routinely issuing customers receipts but also charging them sales tax (Victoriaville, Quebec). A man pled guilty to burglary and the theft of Big Mama, a 50-pound halibut that was the main attraction at a showcase hatchery (and which the man also ate) (Redondo Beach, Calif.). Police phone taps of computer hacker "Mafiaboy" inadvertently uncovered an unrelated plot by the hacker's father to beat up a business associate (Montreal). Honolulu Heart Program researchers linked consumption of tofu during middle age to subsequent decline in brain function. ################################################################ News of the Weird(tm) by Chuck Shepherd 2000(c) Chuck Shepherd. Distributed by Universal Press Syndicate All Rights Reserved. The name News of the Weird is a registered trademark of Chuck Shepherd.

TOP 10 USELESS FACTS FOR THE WEEK ? - The original name of Pepsi-Cola was Brad�s Drink. ? - It has been medically proven that pessimism raises blood pressure. The more pessimistic a person is, the more likely he or she is to die earlier than optimistic counterparts. ? - Chicken feet are an extremely popular dim sum dish in Asia. Not surprisingly, they aren't popular with Americans. Simply prepared, chicken feet are cooked in a black-bean sauce. The proper way to eat them is to put the entire foot in one�s mouth, suck off the meat, and spit out the bones. ? - Bill Cosby�s wife, Camille Hanks, is a direct descendant of Nancy Hanks, Abraham Lincoln's mother. ? - Reindeer have scent glands between their hind toes. The glands help them leave scent trails for the herd. Researchers say the odor smells cheesy. ? - The bulbs and leaves of the daffodil contain poisonous crystals, which only a select few insects can eat without suffering an agonizing death. While squirrels and other rodents won't eat them, they may dig up the bulbs. ? - Author of "Animal Farm" and "1984", George Orwell worked as a policeman before turning to a writing career. ? - The godfather of actress Winona Ryder was the late Dr. Timothy Leary, LSD guru of the 1960s. Winona�s father, Michael Horowitz, served at one time as Leary�s archivist and ran a bookstore called Flashback Books. Additionally, her parents were politically active intellectuals, and Beat poet Allen Ginsberg was a good family friend. ? - Oysters were a major part of life in New York in the late 1800s. They were eaten for breakfast, lunch, and dinner; they were pickled, stewed, baked, roasted, fried, scalloped, and used in soups, patties, and puddings. Oystering in New York supported large numbers of families, and oyster theft was a prevalent problem. ? - Hockey netminder George Vezina picked up the nickname ``The Chicoutimi Cucumber'' based on the name of his birthplace in Quebec and because opponents said he was as cool as a cuke when he tended nets for the Montreal Canadiens from 1917 to 1926. The trophy for NHL goalies is named after Vezina.

USELESS LIST OF THE WEEK 10 World Cities With The Most Skyscrapers City # of Skyscrapers 1. New York City 140 2. Chicago 68 3. Houston 36 4. Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia 25 5. Los Angeles 24 6. Dallas 22 7. San Francisco 20 8. Shanghai, China 20 9. Singapore, Singapore 13 10. Sydney, Australia 18 The first modern, steel-framed skyscraper was the Woolworth Building in New York, built in 1913. The Woolworth Building cost $13.5 million - which F.W. Woolworth paid in cash. Its 29 elevators were the world's fastest.

What's the definition of a skyscraper? Wow, Kuala Lampur is up there along with Houston and Dallas.

Skyscraper: (getting out my Webster's Collegiate)n. very tall building How vague can you get?! NEWS OF THE WEIRD * The chief justice of oil-rich Brunei ruled in March that Prince Jefri, the 46-year-old brother of the Sultan of Brunei, was entitled to an allowance of about $300,000 a month while awaiting trial on the Sultan's lawsuit that Jefri misspent $15 billion while in charge of the country's investments. A preliminary audit showed that playboy Jefri had bought himself $2.7 billion worth of toys in 10 years, including 17 airplanes, 2,000 cars, and a huge yacht that he named "Tits," and whose two dinghies he named "Nipple 1" and "Nipple 2." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ An Urban Legend Come to Life Two years ago, in a bogus Internet news story, a South African hospital with a high fatality rate had discovered that a cleaning lady had been plugging her floor polisher in each night by briefly unplugging an appliance that was, unknown to her, a life-support machine. In November 1999, Chicago's TV Channel 7 lost sound for 25 minutes on the final night of the crucial ratings "sweeps" week when cleaning-service personnel plugged a floor buffer into the station's master control outlet, overpowering an audio circuit and driving away 40 percent of the prime-time audience. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Government in Action * After Ivory Coast's soccer team was eliminated from the African Nations Cup in January, the country's military ruler, Gen. Robert Guei, had the team arrested and put in a military prison for two days. Addressing the players, Guei said, "I asked that you be taken there so you reflect awhile. Next time (if you play badly) you will stay there for military service ... until a sense of civic pride gets into your heads." * In January, a Philadelphia city-funded community organization published a pamphlet on health and safety tips for prostitutes, which recommended always getting on top, negotiating price before getting into a car, and getting the money in advance. Also in January, a member of the Canadian Parliament released a list of recent pamphlets directly funded by the government, including "How to Communicate With the Dead," "How to Stimulate the G-spot," and "How to Understand and Enjoy an Orgasm." * Despite many anti-smoking programs sponsored by the U.S. government, a Senate subcommittee found last year that the Department of Housing and Urban Development had spent $4.2 million since 1996 to help American Indians build discount cigarette stores as part of the federal community block-grant program. (In April 2000, legislation was introduced in the Senate to end the practice.) * In January, a New York state administrative law judge ruled after four hearings in three years that Krystyna Maliszewska, 51, of Brooklyn was not eligible for worker compensation because she had not provided the proper "medical evidence" that her leg had been amputated (even though voluminous hospital records were in her file). Maliszewska attended each hearing and could have shown her artificial leg and the stump that ends at her right knee but was never asked even to speak. (After a February New York Daily News story, the state quickly reopened the case.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ People With Issues * Wynema Faye Shumate, 65, was arrested in Ladson, S.C., in March on two charges of mishandling a dead body. The case came to light when a 27-year-old Englishman flew to America to marry Shumate after a hot Internet romance but discovered that Shumate was not the age-30ish woman she had portrayed online. According to police, when the man asked Shumate if she had other surprises, she told him about the carved-up body in the freezer, which was that of her male former housemate, who Shumate said had died the year before of natural causes. Shumate was cleared of causing the death, but, according to the Englishman, the wedding is off. * In a case unique among women who keep too many cats at home, a judge in Fairfax County, Va., told U.S. Navy program analyst Kristin Kierig in November that she could keep the 104 cats that share her Annandale, Va., townhouse because the house is apparently clean and the cats groomed and in good health. Kierig produced medical records on the cats, showed that she cleans the 101 litter boxes twice a day and keeps the 15 water bowls and 20 food bowls stocked, and said she can recognize each cat by name (but she did confess that her house might have an "odor"). * In March, Benjamin Thomas Douglas, 34, was sentenced to 180 days in jail for the latest in what police call serial public masturbation incidents in the middle of department stores in Dallas and its suburbs of Plano and Mesquite. And the month before that, Philadelphia police were hunting a man in his early 20s for seven incidents of public masturbation at area fast-food outlets over a four-month period; in each case, according to the police reports, the man reached a climax quickly and then left without his order. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Recurring Themes * News of the Weird has regularly reported highway truck spills over the years, but a December spill in Providence, R.I., interwove another News of the Weird theme: the tacky, wayward public official. Rhode Island Department of Transportation maintenance supervisor Thomas E. Jackvony Jr. was charged with larceny because, according to police, when he was supervising the cleanup of grocery-store items from an 18-wheeler's spill, he also grabbed whatever items he could and put them into his car. Police recovered 15 packages of cookies, 15 home electronic scales and 20 cassette tapes. * More Divine Dentistry: A News of the Weird roundup in July 1999 listed several cities in which worshipers recently have claimed that, following prayer, gold teeth and fillings appeared in their mouths in place of the previous porcelain and silver. Later that year, similar divine outbreaks occurred, at a New Life Community Church revival in Weatherford, Texas, and with Pentecostals in Orangevale, Calif. As with the earlier instances, some of the faithful stuck to their claims even when their own dental records showed they had gold fillings all along. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Only Way Out A 57-year-old Halifax, England, man, distraught at his wife's death, decapitated himself with his homemade guillotine (December). A 30-year-old man attempting suicide in Rustenberg, South Africa, put a firecracker in his mouth and lit it; the explosion shook his house and mangled his face, but he survived (January). A 29-year-old man, driving to work at rush hour near Washington, D.C., and arguing with his fiancee on his cell phone, shot himself to death, with the resulting collision tying up traffic for hours (February). ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Also, in the Last Month ... A man in a wheelchair and wearing a beanie robbed a Wells Fargo Bank, instructing the tellers to fill the beanie with cash (Pleasant Hill, Calif.). A woman won $171,000 from a jury for slipping on a piece of broccoli in a Grand Union supermarket (Bennington, Vt.). A Washington, D.C., police officer was found guilty of sexual assault, becoming the 16th officer on the force in 15 months to be convicted of a crime. The Ohio liquor control agency banned as offensive the Belgian ale Manneken Pis because its label features a boy urinating. At least two viewers smashed their TV picture tubes trying to kill the high-definition cockroach crawling across the screen as part of a recent Orkin commercial. News of the Weird(tm) by Chuck Shepherd 2000(c) Chuck Shepherd. Distributed by Universal Press Syndicate All Rights Reserved. The name News of the Weird is a registered trademark of Chuck Shepherd.

They not only tried to kill the cockroach in the commercial, they tried to sue Orkin. With no success.

I know - I think that is hilarious......and all too real in the tropics! BIZARRE NEWS +------------------- Bizarre Judgments --------------------+ Frustrated by the routine release of women convicted of misdemeanor prostitution, one judge in San Francisco set a hooker's bail at $5 billion. In 1981 Deuel Wilhelm Davies of Tuscaloosa, Alabama, was sentenced to 10,000 years in prison for a triple murder, one of his victims being his mother-in-law. A man in Winthrop, Maine, divorced his wife because she "wore earplugs whenever his mother came to visit." In 1995 Leon Taylor, convicted of murdering a man during a 1994 robbery in Kansas City, Missouri, was sentenced to death, PLUS life in prison, with an additional 315 years tacked on for good measure. --------------- The Crown Jewels They Ain't ---------------- LONDON - London's Design Museum is revealing their new under- wear exhibit. The nation famous for its reserve is displaying sheepskin corsets, silicon-gel-insert brassieres, vacuum-packed thongs, radiation-proof panties, and a glow-in-the-dark bra, among other provocative, titillating and tassled items. One of the hottest features is Alexander McQueen's pink satin corset crusted with black Swarovski crystal suspended inside giant inflatable women's legs in transparent plastic. When they're finished in the UK the exhibition will tour Japan and Australia. -------- You Can Take The Boy Out Of The Country... -------- A lawyer for country superstar Tim McGraw says it was all a mistake when McGraw and fellow country artist Kenny Chesney were arrested outside Buffalo, N.Y.'s Ralph Wilson Stadium. The arrest came after Chesney rode off on a police horse and McGraw allegedly attacked deputies who tried to stop him. The Erie County Sheriff's Office says Chesney rode off, and ignored orders from deputies to stop. When the deputies tried to round him up, the sheriff's office says McGraw and several members of his roadies set upon the deputies. ----------- Widow Turned Sleuth Catches Her Man ------------ SOMMATINO, Italy - A recently widowed lady, Maria Gentile, has a technique Columbo never used to get his man. After becoming suspicious regarding the murder suspect of her husband, she decided to take matters into her own hands. Simon Burgio knew Maria and her husband and was infatuated with her. So after he asked Maria out days after burying her husband, she concocted the plan to sleep with him. After she professed her love for him, he confessed to the murder. Maria went to authorities the next day and Simon is now in prison. -------------------- Kids Will Be Kids --------------------- DUBLIN, Ireland - Law enforcement officials are not immune from being bitten by the stupid bug. Rookie cop Andrew Blanton was a proud uncle and father. His eight-year-old son and nephew sneaked into his room at night and found his handcuffs carelessly left on the nightstand. They did what any normal kid would do. They handcuffed Andrew�s hands together while sleeping and threw away the key. Upon waking, Blanton had to drive to a local locksmith to free himself. -------- Swedish Inventor Makes Paper From Elk Dung -------- STOCKHOLM - Here's another one in the mmmmm... what made them even try this? A Swedish inventor has discovered a new way of making paper...from elk dung. Sune Haggmark and his partner, Ann-Mari Remahn, experimented with a food-mixer and an oven before finding the right consistency that would make paper, the tabloid Expressen reported on Monday. They take eight to 10 elk pats, add water and a secret binding agent and turn the dung into a small sheaf of A5-size paper. The really strange phenomenon to come out of this new invention is that tourists from Russia, France and Germany have trekked to the couple's place of business to buy the paper and Sune's latest product, elk dung visiting cards! [You wouldn't invite these folks to a wedding just to avoid the thank-you note.] ----------------- A Heap of Hillbilly Help ----------------- MOUNTAIN VIEW, Arkansas - This is for readers around the globe who are a bit short on how Hillbilly folks cure their sick. The Ozark Folk Center Cookbook is filled with "great" advice like curing a common cold by kissing a mule. Have a hangover? Simply mix up a mess of owl eggs, scramble 'em and eat your heart out. [Is it me or are the cures worse than the problems? Move over Alabama...Arkansas is moving in on you as the most Bizarre state in the union.] Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* A Detroit man committed suicide this week with an AK-47 and took his friend with him. Elrod J. Hill fired the semi- automatic rifle into the right side of his head. The bullets came out the left side and killed his friend Brian Olesky, who was sitting next to him on the couch.

THE INTERNET AS A JOB CREATOR According to new research, nearly 2.5 million people worked at Internet jobs at the end of 1999 -- up 36 percent from the end of 1998. Researchers at the University of Texas Austin -- funded by Cisco Systems Inc. of San Jose, Calif. concluded that the Internet has raised productivity and has established itself as a key factor in the sustained economic expansion. According to CNN, the study found that nearly 2 percent of all U.S. workers owe their jobs to the Internet -- including jobs in dot.com companies, making computers used to surf the Web and even laying cable that carries online data. A business professor who helped write the report -- Anitesh Barua -- says the rapidly growing Internet economy is facing a shortage of qualified workers. Her conclusion was supported by none other than Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, who said in Washington this week that, "Anybody in this country who has an -- even just an undergraduate degree in computer science -- will get 10 or 12 job offers, you know, fantastic job offers." ROCKER DOESN'T WANT TO DEAL WITH 'THIS GARBAGE' Controversial Atlanta Braves relief pitcher John Rocker was a no-show for a second straight night at his new job -- with Atlanta's Triple-A farm team, the Richmond Braves. Rocker told an Atlanta radio station Wednesday he might just give up baseball and become a stock broker. He said: "I don't know if I'm even going down (to the minors) or not. I'm still pretty chapped about the whole situation." The Braves say they demoted Rocker in order for him to work out his pitching problems. Sports writers and analysts across the country are nearly unanimous in their skepticism -- they think Rocker is being punished for threatening the writer of the Sports Illustrated article that made him infamous for his offensive comments about minorities, gays and immigrants. He said Wednesday he's "just not wanting to play anymore," and "there's plenty of things I can do besides deal with the headaches of this garbage every day." If he does report to the Richmond Braves, Rocker can expect a mixed reception in the former capital of the Confederacy. City Council member John Conrad told the Post, "We have enough loudmouth racists in Richmond already -- we don't need any more." Salim Khalfani, executive director of the NAACP'S Virginia chapter, told the paper Rocker is coming into a city that "has much racial tension and in fact, there's one side that's still fighting the Civil War." Ron Doggett, president of the Virginia chapter of the National Organization for European-American Rights, tells the paper he expects to be part of a standing ovation when Rocker first takes the mound for the Triple-A Braves. He says, "We're not as politically correct in Richmond." EMINEM FREE ON BAIL Eminem -- the rapper with the No. 1 album on Billboard's chart -- was freed on $100,000 bond Wednesday, after his arraignment on two felony weapons charges in connection with a fight outside a Detroit-area nightclub Sunday night. The Grammy-winning rapper pleaded not guilty to one count of carrying a concealed weapon and one count of assault with a deadly weapon. In contrast to his stage persona, Eminem wore a black suit, a shirt and a tie to court -- accessorized by handcuffs. Judge Susan Chrzanowski gave the rapper permission to go through with plans for a national tour, but she ordered him to provide prosecutors with his itinerary any time he leaves the state. She told the rapper whose real name is Marshall Mathers -- that if she finds out he has possession of "any sort of weapon...your bond will be revoked and you will be sitting in the county jail." The rapper told authorities he carried the unloaded pistol for protection because he did not want a bodyguard. He reportedly went to the club to spy on his wife, Kimberly Mathers, who wrote in a letter to the Detroit Free Press, "I don't think anybody in their right mind would cheat on a millionaire husband -- especially with a nobody at a neighborhood bar." The publicity comes at the same time as news in Hollywood that Eminem is preparing to star in a movie based on his life. Eminem plans to join Dr. Dre in San Diego next Thursday for the "Up In Smoke" tour.

? ? ? ? THIS WEEK'S USELESS KNOWLEDGE ? ? ? ? ==================================================== TOP 10 USELESS FACTS FOR THE WEEK ? - Japan consists of the four large islands of Hokkaido, Honshu, Shikoku, Kyushu, and about three thousand smaller islands. ? - Okonomiyaki is considered to be Japan's answer to pizza. It consists of a potpourri of grilled vegetables, noodles, and meat or seafood, between two pancake-like layers of fried batter. ? - Almost every weekday morning, Kleenexes are handed to the commuters in front of Japan's rail and bus stations for free. The tissues are distributed by workers of the companies whose messages and advertisement are printed on the packages. The reason for this.... most public bathrooms do not have paper towels or toilet paper! ? - While many Japanese customs are disappearing, the practice of sending New Years cards and seasonal gifts called O-chugen and O-seibo is as strong as ever. The Japanese Ministry of Posts and Telecommunications delivered nearly 4.5 billion New Years cards in 1999, or about 32 cards for every man, woman and child in Japan. ? - The Japanese business environment requires strict adherence to rules of etiquette. Graduating students prepare for important job interviews by first learning how to bow properly and show proper manners when entering and seating themselves in the interview room. Japanese Bowing carries different meanings at different angles. - A Bow at an angle of five degrees means "Good day" ( simple greeting). - A Bow at an angle of fifteen degrees is also a common salutation, a bit more formal it means "Good morning". - A Bow at an angle of thirty degrees is a respectful bow to indicate appreciation for a kind gesture. - A Bow at a forty five degree angle is used to convey deep respect or an apology. ? - Few Japanese can use chopsticks as well as their parents, due in part to the popularity of Western cuisine. As a result, an increasing number of elementary schools in Japan are introducing chopstick etiquette into their programs. Traditionally young children are taught to distinguish left from right by teaching them that their right hand is the one they hold their chopsticks in, while their left is the one that holds the rice bowl. ? - The children's game Rock, Scissors, Paper is popular in Japan also. Called "Janken", the game is also played by some children using their feet. Closed feet equal stone (gu). Spread legs equal paper (pa). One foot behind the other equals scissors (choki). ? - Japanese people do not have a middle name. In Japan, last name comes first, and the first name comes last. ? - In Japan, some restaurants serve smaller portions to women even though the charge is the same as a men's portion. ? - Blowing your nose in public is considered rude in Japan. The handkerchief is uses primarily for wiping the mouth or drying your hands when leaving a restroom.

USELESS LIST OF THE WEEK Top 10 Most Common Words In The English Language Spoken Written 1. the the 2. and of 3. I to 4. to in 5. of and 6. a a 7. you for 8. that was 9. in is 10. it that Various surveys have been conducted to establish the most common words in spoken English of various types, from telephone conversations to broadcast commentaries. Many other words such as yes and well, also appear with far greater frequency in everyday speech than in the comparative list of the most common words in written English, which is based on a survey of newspaper usages.

The top ten percent of a high school class shall not contain more than ten percent of the total class size. ... -Clarifying Rules by the Coordinating Board Concerning HB 588, Automatic Admission of Students in Top 10% of Graduating Class *********************** When tftd first published the above it was thought to be a nonsense item. However even with the clarifying rules some high schools in Texas have managed to have the top ten percent of the class be larger than 10% of the total class size. One ruse was in the case of a tie for number one ranking the third person was given the ranking of 2nd rather than third. Other schools determined the top 10% ranking based on the average GRP for the school for the past several years.

The above is from Thought for the Day from TAMU

BIZARRE NEWS +-------------------- Bizarre Festivals -------------------+ CHEESE-ROLLING (U.K, May). Cheese-rolling has taken place on the slopes of Cooper's Hill, near Birdlip in Gloucestershire, since the 15th Century. When the cheese is released, competitors run down the hill and attempt to catch it before it reaches the bottom. The event was permanently cancelled when eight people were injured in 1992. DAY OF THE DEAD (Mexico, 2 November). According to Indian folklore, this is the day when the deceased return to life. Families conduct macabre graveside picnics, offering food to the dead, and then tuck into a feast of their own, eating chocolate coffins, sugar wreaths and fancy breads adorned with skulls and crossbones. GOTMARR FESTIVAL (India, September). During the full moon, the 45,000 inhabitants of Pandhura divide into two groups and start hurling rocks at one another until sunset. In 1989, there were 616 casualties, including four deaths as a result of the event. GRANDMOTHERS' FESTIVAL (Norway, July). First held at Bodo in 1992, the festival sees grannies riding motorbikes, racehorses skydiving and scuba diving. The star of the inaugural event was 79-year-old Elida Anderson who became the world's oldest bungee-jumper. RUNNING OF THE SHEEP (U.S., September) Reedpoint, Montana stages a gentle alternative to Spain's famous Running of the Bulls. Hundreds of sheep are released down Main Street for six blocks. There are also contests for the ugliest and pretties ewes while shepherds assemble to recite poetry. ----------- Clinton Fumes Over German Cigar Gift ----------- GERMANY - President Clinton's evening went up in smoke after being presented with a box of cigars as a gift. The cigars came from Cuba and the President reportedly lost the smile on his face when it was presented to him. It was not known whether he was embarrassed because of the role cigars played in the Lewinsky affair or because they are considered contraband in the US. ------------- Deer Found Taking Bubble Bath --------------- HOWARD, PA - When Connie Beck and her husband awoke to strange noises, they thought high winds were rattling their windows. What they found was even more unexpected: A deer was taking a bubble bath in their tub. The deer burst through the front door, ran past the couple's bedroom and into the bathroom, somehow managing to turn on the water in the tub and knocking over a bottle of bubble bath. He then submerged himself in the frothy water. The Becks called state Game Commission officials, who arrived at their Center County home with tranquilizers and a lot of laughter. The animal was subdued, removed from the house and released. ------------ So They Sell Different Kinda Tools ------------ WEST PALM BEACH, FL - It's nothing like Home Depot on the inside. A strip club called Adult Depot has been sued in federal court by the Atlanta-based home improvement chain. Home Depot claims the club copied its trademark, and is using a mascot similar to their Homer. Company attorney Steve Levy, "We don't want any confusion between our company and a business we don't want to be associated with." The lawsuit seeks to remove Adult Depot's signs from its clubs in Lake Worth and Boynton Beach. Lawyers for Adult Depot, which also sells X-rated videos, books and toys, said they think Home Depot is just over-reacting. ------------------- Watch What You Say! -------------------- WATERFORD TOWNSHIP, MI - All someone said was "Hi, Jack!" but at a suburban Detroit airport, that was enough to create a crisis. A microphone happened to be open Monday when someone greeted the co-pilot aboard a corporate jet, and the tower heard "hijack," police Lt. Rick Crigger said. Oakland International Airport tower officials called the Waterford police, who in turn called in a whole extra shift of police, the Oakland County Sheriff's Department SWAT team, the FBI and other federal authorities, Crigger said. The plane was told to return to the tower, and the pilot's identification was checked. Once the alarm was over, the law officers could laugh about it.

News of the weird: LEAD STORIES * In past years, a favorite summer fund-raising game for some parishes in the Catholic Archdiocese of Cincinnati has involved placing a small rat on a roulette-type wheel, spinning the wheel, and selling bets on which slot the rat will stagger to. This year, however, according to a Scripps Howard News Service report, local animal rights activists have protested, but in early responses, at least one parish has vowed to continue the game anyway. Said one activist, "The Church said it was OK to spin animals. What's to keep someone from going home and putting their cat in a dryer?" * Fox Network's Far-Ranging Influence: On April 27, a reporter for Russia's RTR television arrived in the town of Ivanovo to shoot a piece on a housewife merrily feeding her family while her soldier-husband was away serving as a peacekeeper in Kosovo. However, the reporter had received word minutes before that the husband had just been killed on duty. Thus, the reporter shot some "before" scenes, in which the carefree wife earnestly spoke of her husband's imminent return, and then the "after" scene, featuring uncontrollable crying after the reporter broke the news to her. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Latest Hate-Crime News In January, the general manager of a Ford-Toyota dealership in Lake City, Fla., told reporters that the acid-splashing vandalism on his lot should be punished as a hate crime because only Fords were hit. And in Berlin, Germany, owners of pit bulls and other aggressive breeds planned a May protest against proposed legislation to ban the dogs; organizers planned to dress their dog-victims with yellow Stars of David, which is what Third-Reich-era Jews were forced to wear as identification. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Police Blotter * Recent Weapons: In a bar fight, one woman hit another on the head with a toilet lid (Rock Island, Ill., January). A 21-year-old man wielding a small python robbed a convenience store (Oklahoma City, December). A man holding a dildo and wearing a jockstrap over his head robbed a Hungry Howie's of $40 (Toledo, Ohio, February). A man robbed an adult sex shop, menacingly waving a vibrating tongue at the clerk (Pinellas Park, Fla., February). * Those Compassionate Canadians: The man who cleaned out the cash register at a Tim Hortons doughnut shop in Hamilton, Ontario, in February came back a few minutes later and returned the portion of the money that had been segregated as employees' tips. And in April, recently released sex-assaulter Jody Robinson, 33, offered one of his kidneys to his 1996 victim, who is awaiting a transplant. * Great Detective Work: Suspicious police in Spokane, Wash., after questioning Harold Anthony Mazzei, 32, at a January traffic stop, decided to arrest him: The only way Mazzei could turn off his car's engine was using pliers and a screwdriver (and, indeed, the car was stolen). And in February, suspicious police in Chicago decided to arrest Steven Coleman, 24, for robbing a family sewing-machine shop and provoking a fracas while the owner was heating chicken noodle soup for lunch: Coleman was later spotted nearby with noodles in his hair. And in November, suspicious police in Sydney, Nova Scotia, decided to arrest a 38-year-old man on drug charges after encountering him dazed with syringes hanging from both arms. * Police in Dublin, Ohio, arrested alleged veteran thief Rudolf Nyari, 64, in April for taking a diamond bracelet from Leo Alfred Jewelers. Nyari had handled the bracelet, then left the store, after which an employee noticed it missing. Police, aided by a license-plate number, stopped Nyari just outside town, searched his car fruitlessly, and threatened to take him for x-rays. Later, according to a detective, Nyari "drank several glasses of water and smoked cigarettes to build up enough phlegm to cough (the bracelet) up." The bracelet was 7 inches long and contained 39 diamonds. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Continuing Crisis * A court in Lusaka, Zambia, issued a final divorce decree in March to John Sakapenda and Goretti Muyutu, despite Ms. Muyutu's last-second, unsuccessful attempt to persuade the judges that, by custom of her village of Chingola, the couple was obligated for one last round of sexual intercourse. * In December, the longtime North Korean ambassador to China issued another of his periodic rants in Beijing denouncing the 150-mile-long, high (16 to 26 feet tall) and thick (33 to 62 feet wide) concrete "wall of division" that South Korea built 20 years ago that "artificially bisects" Korea. Despite the vividness of the description, according to The New York Times and numerous diplomats from many countries who have visited the area, there is no wall there of any kind and never has been. * In Englewood, Fla., in February, minutes after Judy Neuhaus had scolded her son Ryan for not taking better care of his 1995 Mercury Cougar, a sputtering, single-engine Cessna cleared some trees and fell nose-first onto the car, doing considerable damage to both vehicles but not seriously injuring the pilot. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Well-Put Mob informant Tommy Del Giorno, living a new life under the federal witness security program (quoted in a New York Times story in January): "Legitimate people are worse than mob people. All the time I was in the mob, I never really wanted to kill anybody. Out here in the legitimate world, there's 10 people I've met that I would kill." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Recurring Themes In 1997 News of the Weird reported that a female murder suspect had sued Kiowa County, Okla., after an inmate had sex with her, impregnating her, through the bars of their respective cells in the county lockup. In February 2000, Britain's Prison Service launched an inquiry after Donna Stokes, 19, became pregnant after her boyfriend had sex with her through the bars of their temporary cells in the Swansea Crown Court building while both were awaiting a hearing on burglary and theft charges. Said Stokes of the couple's brief encounter: "We hadn't seen each other for months." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Thinning the Herd * In April, a 43-year-old recreational snow-machiner was killed in an avalanche in Alaska's Hoodoo Mountains while "highmarking," or driving to hit ever-higher peaks on the slopes; earlier that day, he had been pulled, in shock, from another avalanche after highmarking and advised by rescuers to quit. And a 30-year-old motorcyclist was crushed to death near Phoenix in December after an apparent road-rage incident in which he sped up quickly to overtake a pickup truck, swerved in front of it, and then deliberately slammed on the brakes. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Also, in the Last Month ... A 39-year-old man was convicted of selling cocaine, with an enhanced penalty because the deal took place near Rosemary Minor Park, which is named for a deceased community activist, who was the man's mother (New Orleans). A handcuffed stolen-car suspect allegedly took $23 from a state trooper's wallet while in custody in the front seat of a cruiser (Frederick, Md.). A 39-year-old driver, scheduled to report to prison in two weeks for his fourth DUI conviction, drove drunk and collided with another car, killing a 5-year-old boy (Stockton, Calif.). Thieves dug up and stole almost an entire backyard garden (trees, ornaments, shrubbery and cement pond) (Bristol, England). A medical journal reported that large-breasted women are more likely to suffer from carpal tunnel syndrome than small-breasted women (Tuscaloosa, Ala.).

+---------------- Bizarre Court Statements ----------------+ "I object to your calling me a person, your honor." [Rodney Skurdal in 1996 when asked by a federal magistrate if he had the right person before him.] "What are you talking about, some 'witness,' man, There was only me and her in the store." [Blurted out by a defendant in objection to testimony by a police officer who accidentally used the term "witness" instead of victim.] "I enjoyed drinking while driving. It's one of the most pleasurable habits I've had. [Steven L. Johnson explaining his situation to the judge who had sentenced him to two years in prison.] "I sued for $2,500 and the judge gave me $837.29. I don't think he realizes how much a girl's hair means to her. [Lauryl Boyer on the award she received for a bad perm.] *** --------------- World Record Toast Tosser ----------------- DUBLIN, Ireland - Just when you thought that the Olympics had the best that amateur sports had to offer comes Peter McGouran. It seems that he was obsessed with having a world record under his belt so he set out to break the record for tossing a piece of toast further than any human had ever thrown. The new record is 191 feet, 4 inches and Peter is now the world�s greatest toast tosser. --------- Man Drops Dead in Search of Living Proof --------- BOGATA, Colombia - A search for living proof ended in a dead end for an 87-year-old man. Arturo Suspe died of heart attack while waiting in line to obtain a certificate to prove that he was still alive. The "survival certificate" would have allowed Suspe to continue receiving his $133 monthly pension. Authorities in central Cundinamarca introduced the certificate in late November to reduce the number of incidents of con artists collecting pensions issued in the name of deceased recipients. "This was a pure accident and a very lamentable incident," Cuandinamarca governor Andres Gonzalez said of Suspe's death. ------------- Man Rescued From Portable Toilet ------------- HUNTINGDON VALLEY, PA - Here's one that you just want to yell at the guy, "What were you thinking!" Authorities were dispatched to rescue a man who got stuck in a portable toilet. How? The genius lost his keys down the opening and decided he'd better go down and get them. Luckily for him, some kids were playing nearby and heard his cries for help. The police arrived to find the man stuck in the toilet's lower chamber up to his hips. The man, who was not identified, had taken off his shoes and pants for the unpleasant task. He told police he had been in the predicament for at least 45 minutes. The man was treated for cuts and bruises. Doctors also had to remove the toilet seat, which had become wedged around his torso. Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* An LA doctor extracted sperm from a corpse that had been dead for over 30 hours. Sperm cells were frozen and years later introduced into the dead man's widow. "The birth opens up a whole new area of reproduction," says Dr. Rothman. There are no shortages of critics. Some say that property rights will be manipulated as women rush to steal sperm from dead men without wills to impregnate themselves and therefore have the resulting children rightful heirs.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple. Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired." Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village." There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

Great Moments in Physics The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen: "Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer." One student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building." This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics. For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows: "Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer." "Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper." "But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqroot (l / g)." "Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up." "If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building." "But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'." The student was Niels Bohr, the only person from Denmark to win the Nobel prize for Physics.

+------------- Bizarre Product Warning Labels -------------+ Air Conditioner - Caution: Avoid dropping air conditioners out of windows. Blow Dryer - Warning: Do not use while sleeping and keep away from water. Rowenta Iron - Warning: Never iron clothes on the body. Vacuum Cleaner - 1. Do not use to pick up gasoline or flammable liquids 2. Do not use to pick up anything that is currently burning. Earplugs - These ear plugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe Mattress - Warning: Do not attempt to swallow Matches - Caution: Contents may catch fire. Korean Kitchen Knife - Keep out of children. Pepper Spray - Caution: Never aim spray at your own eyes.

NEWS OF THE WEIRD LEAD STORIES * Accomplished toy inventor Brian Walker, 44, told the Newhouse News Service in June that he would, by next summer, launch himself on the world's first homemade space shot (blasting off at 4,000 mph, to a height of 30 miles, using 10 tanks containing 7,000 pounds of hydrogen peroxide as fuel, at an overall expense of $250,000). The spacecraft he built is 9 feet tall, will be propelled from a 30-foot-long trailer, and has a capsule that will return him to earth via parachutes. A jet-propulsion engineer at Cal Tech said Walker's plan was actually pretty sound, in theory. * Lean Times for La Cosa Nostra: Despite a massive federal, state and local law-enforcement operation against organized-crime gambling and loan-sharking in south Florida, capped by a six-count federal indictment in June, the evidence actually revealed rather dismal business prospects for the Colombo crime family in the area. According to the indictment, Colombo muscleman "Joey Flowers" Rotunno and his crew earned gambling income of less than $2,000 a day. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ O.R. Surprises Orthopedic surgeon Nicholas Cappello had his license lifted in April by the Arkansas Medical Board for as many as 20 botched surgeries featuring such errors as metal plates screwed to the wrong bones or screws missing the bone altogether. And patient Robert Banks sued the Earl K. Long Medical Center in Baton Rouge, La., in March, complaining that he went in for a heart bypass in 1995 but came out merely circumcised (which doctors said was a necessary antecedent to the surgery because he required kidney-monitoring equipment). (For unrelated reasons, the surgeons decided, after setting Banks up, not to do the bypass.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Compelling Explanations * In February, Nova Scotia provincial judge John MacDougall ruled that a doctor who had masturbated two teen-age boys numerous times in his office had not violated the law because he had thought his unorthodox procedure was a valid medical treatment for the patients (one of whom had complained merely of blurred vision after a fall). (Two weeks later, a prosecutor exercised a rare constitutional procedure and indicted the doctor directly before the Supreme Court of Nova Scotia.) * Calvin Jerold Burdine's 1983 Texas death sentence was overturned by a federal judge in September 1999 based on his lawyer's having slept during key parts of his trial. Because the judge ruled on the sleep issue, he was not required to decide a second issue that also might have contributed to the original death sentence: The prosecutor had been allowed to tell the jury that Burdine should not get a mere life sentence because "Sending (Burdine, an openly gay man) to the penitentiary (considering prisons' homosexual activity) isn't a very bad punishment." (In June 2000, a federal appeals court heard oral arguments on Burdine's sleeping-lawyer issue.) * In March, in the heat of a battle in the Mexican legislature over adopting daylight savings time, opponent Sen. Felix Salgado put forth his strongest argument: Advancing the clocks an hour will reduce daylight time in the morning, curtailing many "mananeros," or couples' morning sex. "(N)ow when you wake up," said Salgado, "your partner is no longer there because she had to take the kids to school." * In Boston in June, federal judge Mark L. Wolf ruled that convicted wife-murderer Robert "Michelle" Kosilek is entitled to go to trial on his demand that the state prison system provide him free "sexual reassignment" surgery so that he can serve his life-without-possibility-of-parole sentence as a woman. A court-appointed psychologist recommended that Kosilek get not only sex-organ substitution but the feminization of his face, removal of body hair, and access to makeup, hair care and nail polish because to ignore his needs would further Kosilek's "sadness and sense of loss" at having been born of the incorrect gender. * In a Norfolk County, Mass., court in March, Andrew Clary, 36, pled not guilty to murdering his girlfriend, a death that occurred when his car rammed hers twice after an argument and forced her into the path of an oncoming car. However, Clary told the judge that he really only "tapped" the woman's car in order to get her to turn around and head to a hospital so she could be treated for having ingested illegal drugs. * In 1999, James Weber of Calgary, Alberta, paid his tax bill (equivalent to about $75,000 U.S.) dollar-for-dollar with Colombian pesos (worth about $50 U.S.), arguing that the Canada Customs and Revenue Agency failed to print its dollar signs with two bars through the "S." A dollar sign with only one bar through the S, he said, is used only by several South American currencies, and thus he is now paid in full. (In March 2000, an appeals court ruled against him, despite his having produced several favorable historical banking documents from as far back as 1910.) * In April, after her arrest for robbing a Springfield, Mo., Bank of America, Joyce Lingle told police that she had not read the note that she had handed a teller (and for which she received a bag in exchange) and only began to suspect there had been a bank robbery after she walked out the door and saw employees lock it behind her. Lingle is married to a jailed murder suspect, was in the company of a second man during her bank transaction, and implied to police that the two men were just using her. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ So Much for the Revolution in Corsica The guerilla separatist movement in Corsica was dealt a severe blow in June when its leader for the last 20 years, Marcel Lorenzoni, 50, and his son, Pierre, 21, stabbed each other to death during an argument in their hometown of Bastelica. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Update News of the Weird reported in 1994 that then-recent government figures showed the death toll of young women in India killed by their mothers-in-law for insufficient dowries had risen to 4,700 per year. In May 2000, Canada's Southam news service reported that a jail in Delhi, India, is seriously overcrowded with such mothers-in-law (including also those who merely have threatened, assaulted or imprisoned their sons' wives) and that the death toll is now 6,300 per year. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Least Competent Criminals Bad Decisions: Ernest Michaelson, 45, was arrested in Bridgeport, Conn., in January, just after allegedly robbing a United Bank; he was discovered around back, where he had interrupted his getaway in order to count the money ($857). And two women were arrested near Carlsbad, N.M., in January, where their car had run out of gas; acting on a hunch, a patrolman found that the gas tank held surprisingly little gasoline because the inside of the tank was taken up with packages containing about 80 pounds of marijuana. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Also, in the Last Month ... A Leesburg, Va., Safeway employee of 30 years' standing won a $27,500 settlement for being fired for buying a few blemished, discounted fruit without management authorization. One female guest bit off part of another's nose in a wedding-party brawl (Prince Albert, Saskatchewan). Police finally caught the man they suspect in the nine-month exhibitionist spree of the "Big Bonnet" (previously in News of the Weird), who dresses in oversized baby clothes (North Platte, Neb.). A judge reduced a statutory rapist's sentence because of the 14-year-old victim's "advanced" "maturity" at 5 feet 11 inches, 200 pounds (Spartanburg, S.C.). A man lunging to kill a housefly fell 59 feet out of a window onto two roofs and into a river (but suffered only minor injuries) (Ennetbaden, Switzerland).

An ostrich's intestinal track is up to 45 feet long. The name of the dog on a box of Cracker Jacks is Bingo. Ernest Lawrence Thayer, who penned "Casey at the Bat," received five dollars for penning that particular piece in 1888. Wilt Chamberlain, who was 7 feet, one inch tall - his parents were only five feet, eight inches tall. Pigs can become alcoholics, according to the US government. Why would they ever want to know that particular fact?

Government Verbosity: Pythagorean theorem: 24 words. The Lord's prayer: 66 words. Archimedes' Principle: 67 words. The 10 Commandments: 179 words. The Gettysburg address: 286 words. The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words. U.S. Government regulations on cabbage sales: 26,911 words.

News of the Weird(.649) LEAD STORIES * No Way -- An Insincere Lawyer! Attorney Michael Lazaroff, 50, pled guilty in St. Louis in June to federal charges that he gave clients extravagant gifts over the past seven years, totaling $380,000, but then surreptitiously inflated their bills with phony charges in order to make clients pay for their own gifts. Lazaroff's "generosity" included concert tickets and trips to Las Vegas. * Lost in the public debate over whether DNA testing should be done on death-row convicts is the case of Texan Roy Criner, now 33, who is in no danger of execution but has been imprisoned since 1990 (sentence: 99 years) for rape, despite a subsequent DNA test concluding that the sperm in question was not his. One appeals court had overturned Criner's conviction even before the DNA test was performed, but the state's highest court reimposed the conviction, and in interviews with the PBS TV program "Frontline" in January, Judge Sharon Keller of that court said that Criner was nonetheless properly convicted even though the sperm did not match.

* Pedro Valls Feu Rosa, a state supreme court judge in Brazil, has developed the artificial-intelligence software program Electronic Judge so that clerks operating laptop computers at the scenes of traffic accidents and other disputes can dispense even-handed justice by inputting facts and having the program reach judicial decisions instantly. According to an April report in London's The Independent, most parties seem satisfied to have their cases tried while they are still fresh, with witnesses present, but the inventor acknowledges that his program is not appropriate for cases requiring complex interpretations of the law. * Several press accounts from Cambodia recently reported on the emerging preferred form of retaliation by that country's spurned boyfriends: to splash battery acid in the woman's face. A Deutsche Presse-Agentur story found a dozen victims in Phnom Penh during the winter. A similar but short-lived fad in 1997 saw dozens of jilted men toss hand grenades at their would-be girlfriends. * The Manchester (Conn.) Journal Inquirer reported in March that heroin was so cheap in nearby Hartford that one police lieutenant had seen the price as low as $2.50 per dose (a 10th of a gram), which would mean that someone buying it in a convenience store parking lot, for example, would be paying less for it than a pack of cigarettes sold inside. * In March, Remy Bricka set out from Los Angeles to "walk" to Sydney, Australia, using a pair of boatlike skis and a long paddle and towing a catamaran behind him containing supplies and a place to sleep. And in April, Belfast, Northern Ireland, hospital worker Willie Nugent raised money for charity by "swimming" across a river in downtown Dublin, Ireland, despite the fact that he cannot swim; instead, Nugent crawled across a bridge, in movements resembling a breast stroke. (The swimmer made it, but the walker's catamaran was wiped out by a storm on the first day, and he had to quit.) * The Environmental Protection Agency told reporters in May that it could not begin cleanup of the toxic Kim-Stan landfill near Roanoke, Va., because whoever owns it has been hiding out ever since a bankruptcy proceeding in 1990. The government cannot legally begin to stop the leaking of cadmium, manganese, zinc and aluminum into the nearby Jackson River without the owner's permission. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ In Their Own Words Wesleyan University (Middletown, Conn.) freshman Cara Herbitter, explaining in April the rationale for the 35-member campus club formed to celebrate women's sexuality (and which was born out of the university's production of the off-Broadway play "The Vagina Monologues"): "If you don't make a point of talking specifically about vaginas, then they don't get talked about." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Recurring Themes In 1998, News of the Weird reported on a married couple forced to live apart because the American husband was barred from Canada, and the Canadian wife was barred from the U.S. (both because of criminal records), and who could spend time together only on the U.S.-Canada bridge at Niagara Falls, which they regularly did. Another couple in the same situation apparently had decided a while back that meeting on the bridge was not good enough, and in February 2000, Shawn Gibson was convicted in St. Catharines, Ontario, for the sixth time for entering Canada illegally to see his wife, and sentenced to five months in jail.

+----------------- Bizarre Canadian Laws ------------------+ You may not pay for a fifty-cent item with only pennies. Citizens may not publicly remove bandages. In British Columbia, it is illegal to kill a sasquatch. In New Brunswick, driving on the roads is not allowed. In Montreal, you may not swear in French. Also in Montreal, citizens may not relieve themselves or spit on the street. Punishable by a fine of over 100 Canadian dollars. In Beaconsfield, it is considered an offense to have more than two colors of paint on your house. In Toronto, you can't drag a dead horse down Yonge St. on a Sunday. The city of Guelph is classified as a no-pee zone.

-- Emergency Landing On Truck Complete Surprise to Pilot --- CHILOQUIN, Oregon - Howard Hamer, 63, had just taken off from the airport in the desert town of Chiloquin when his single- engine plane lost power. He decided to attempt an emergency landing northbound on U.S. 97 when a flatbed truck pulled up underneath him. The plane's propeller snagged on the sleeper of the truck while the tail crashed down onto the empty trailer bed. If the plane had actually landed in traffic a serious injury would have surely resulted. As it turned out, no one was hurt, and neither the truck driver nor Hamer was aware the other was even there until the impact.

News of the Weird(.650) LEAD STORIES * The most creative example of Filipinos' newfound national mania for sending text messages by cell phones, according to a July New York Times report, is that of Muslim guerrillas at war with government troops in the southern islands: Ever since they uncovered documents with army troops' cell phone numbers, they have extended their hostilities by pecking out insults during lulls in combat. * The sudden January death of wealthy former Kansas stockbroker Marshall Gardiner at age 85 created a constitutional-law crisis when Gardiner's only offspring, Joe, 53, learned that his father's recently acquired 40-year-old bride had been born a male. Ms. J'Noel Gardiner had had her Wisconsin birth certificate changed to female, which was honored in Kansas City, Mo., where she lives, but not honored across the state line in Kansas, where she got married. She said she disclosed the matter to her husband before the wedding; Joe said his father was too religious to have accepted such an arrangement. The fate of Marshall's estate is still in the courts. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Importance of Alcohol More Evidence That Drinking Is the Cornerstone of Weird News: A retired police officer was arrested on suspicion of DUI after he pulled into a gas station and attempted to withdraw money from a gas pump, as if it were an ATM (Reno, Nev., May). And a drawbridge operator was fired for drinking on the job after he opened the bridge without warning, forcing a car to leap the gap, James Bond-like (St. Pete Beach, Fla., May). And a 24-year-old man, partying with two friends, leaped from a roof into a Dumpster and landed, seat-first, on a protruding, nail-studded piece of wood (Ottawa, Ontario, May). ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Can't Possibly Be True * Officials at the West Valley, N.Y., nuclear storage site, still working an 18-year, $1.5 billion radiation cleanup, began in February testing their latest hoped-for miracle product: zeolite, the primary ingredient in cat litter. Zeolite apparently sucks up strontium 90 just as well as it absorbs odors and moisture in the litter box. * In May, to forestall a California Health Department crackdown, LaserVue Eye Center (with offices in San Francisco and Santa Rosa) sent letters notifying its 2,700 recent surgery patients that it has been reusing its single-use surgical blades after merely rinsing them in water. Investigators found that the company did at least sterilize the blades after every fourth use. Allegedly, LaserVue's Dr. Sanjay Bansal said he continued to use the blades because he wanted only ones that he was sure had worked. * In June, the Nottingham (England) Evening Post profiled archer Paul Hawthorne, who has won various titles despite the fact that he lost one arm in a motorcycle accident 15 years ago. Until recently, Hawthorne competed by holding the bow string with a leather strap in his teeth and pulling his head back, but that practice has cost him one tooth after another, and he believes his competitive archery days are over. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Entrepreneurial Spirit * May dispatches in The Times of London and the Daily Telegraph featured Veronique Jullien's School of Seduction in Paris (with 2,000 graduates since 1995), whose typical assignments are, for men, to pick up strangers, and for women, to attract strangers though taking no initiative. The nine-month curriculum runs about $2,300, but a one-month crash course costs about $1,000. Jullien's most helpful tip: "Everything happens in the first few seconds of contact." * Recycling in Beijing, according to a February New York Times report, is relatively efficient because a crew of about 80,000 rural migrants rummages through the city's garbage daily to pick out anything that could conceivably be resold or sent to recycling plants. "We're performing a valuable service for the city," said one garbage picker, "but everyone looks down on us." Another said he now earns almost 20 times as much as he did as a schoolteacher in a rural province (but still only about $70 a month), and some workers even make enough money to pay hotels for exclusive rights to their garbage. * In May, two boys, ages 15 and 16, were charged in West Bend, Wis., with forming a startup business that took customers' orders and fulfilled them by shoplifting from local stores, mostly Wal-Mart. The boys carried business cards and order forms for their company, Globex, whose mission statement was, "To provide you with the things that you need at the cost you deserve." * In March, a court in Osaka, Japan, squelched the brilliant software creation of Takuya Kiuchi, 33, whose program removes forever the digital blurring that soft-pornographic Web sites use to hide genitals from nonintended viewers. And in June, John Young, operator of a private Web site on national security issues, experimented and found he could download (from The New York Times Web site) the original CIA report on the 1953 Iranian coup before the black censor bars could appear and hide classified parts of the report. Young's clean version of the report went onto his Web site, but the CIA said it has figured out how to prevent recurrences. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Slow Learner In June, the Kentucky Supreme Court suspended lawyer Robert Michael Stevenson for five years for failing to pursue a client's case and then for lying to the client about that. At the time of his suspension, Stevenson was already under a five-year suspension handed down in February. In the eight months before that, Stevenson had been suspended three other times: for 181 days in October, for 90 days in September, and briefly in July. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Recurring Themes * Last year News of the Weird reported that the Navy was to begin using off-the-shelf copies of Microsoft's Fight Simulator software ($50) in its pilot training to reduce the expense of commercial jet simulators. In April 2000, Japan's trade ministry notified Sony Computer Entertainment that it would need government approval to export the PlayStation2 video game because the technology is so sophisticated that it could be helpful on guided missile systems (for example, distinguishing graphic images quickly enough to direct in-flight missiles to targets). ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Least Competent Criminals Police in El Cerrito, Calif., arrested David Hill, 18, in April, for carjacking. According to police, the victim he decided on was a man he had met earlier in the day while in the driver's license line at the Department of Motor Vehicles. All the victim had to do was go to the DMV office and select the carjacker's photo from among that day's applications. And Joey Donnel Simmons, 29, was sentenced to 30 years in prison by a Houston judge in March for the armed robbery of taxi drivers. Simmons came to the attention of the police when he and his accomplice walked into a station house to inquire about the reward posted for catching the taxi drivers' robbers. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Also, in the Last Month ... A 42-year-old man illustrated his unresolved sewer problems at a city council meeting by dumping a five-gallon bucket of human waste on the meeting table (Delta, Iowa). A 35-year-old pregnant woman, just sentenced to three years in prison for drug trafficking, gave birth in the courtroom and named the girl "Ginaya" ("felony") (Damietta, Egypt). A 56-year-old man was arrested for forcing a man at knifepoint to urinate into his cup (Boulder, Colo.). A Toronto community group announced free distribution of "clean" crack pipes to the city's "most marginalized" crack cocaine users. The Border Patrol announced it had broken up a smuggling scheme in which Mexicans were given bikes and biking gear and sent speeding through border crossings as if they were part of an international race (Laredo, Texas).

The National Safety Council says more Americans choke on toothpicks than choking on anything else. "Celluwipes" was the original name of Kleenex during the initial marketing effort in 1924. There are 11 points on the Canadian flag. Montgomery Ward's first catalog was only one sheet of paper. It was first printed in 1872. I don't believe thery publish the catalog anymore (are they even still in business?). Almost half of the bones in your body are in your hands and feet. Istanbul, Turkey is actually in two continents - Asia and Europe.

News of the Weird(.651) Originally published 07.30.00 LEAD STORIES Eight farmers in the town of Nemaha, Iowa (population 112), have taught themselves to perform various square-dancing routines (do-si-do's, promenades, etc.) while seated on, precisely maneuvering, their tractors, according to a June San Francisco Chronicle dispatch from the heartland. However, an apparent problem for the farmers is that all are males, while square-dancing is a couples activity. Thus, four of the dancers operate their tractors while in calico skirts, under the apparent belief that cross-dressing is more acceptable than having an overtly same-sex dance partner. In June, the New Meat Theater in San Francisco's Tenderloin district opened a cybercafe (first-come, first-served computers with high-speed Internet connections, plus scanners, printers and digital cameras) in an upstairs room, the first such facility specifically designed for surfing pornography, sort of "a kinky version of Kinko's," according to owner Terrance Alan. In fact, said Alan, the theater's nude male dancers might roam the computer room, "enhancing the Internet" with a "fourth dimension: the ability to touch." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Suspended for Being Effective Artists In April, high school junior Charles Carithers was suspended from the prestigious Latin Academy in Boston after complying with a class assignment to write a horror story. In Carithers' tale, a menacing student cut off the teacher's hand with a chain saw, which the real teacher interpreted as a threat. Said Carithers in defense, "If I wrote a student killed his taxi driver, that doesn't have the same effect." And in January, senior Sarah Boman was suspended from Bluestem High School in Leon, Kan., for the rest of the year after complying with an assignment to create art that emphasizes an idea, rather than an object. She drew a large mural of jumbled words representing, she said, the rantings of an "obsessive, compulsive, paranoid" madman, but that, too, was interpreted by the teacher as a threat to her. (After appeals, both suspensions were lifted.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Awesome! In Clacton, England, in March, a freak gust of wind propelled Chris Grimes, 17, holding his oversized kite, for a half-mile at a height of 25 feet, until he touched down in a mud bog. And in Fairhaven, Mass., in May, a 65-year-old woman was hit by lightning and lifted from the ground into the back of a pickup truck, reaching a height of 12 feet, according to witnesses; she was taken to St. Luke's Hospital in New Bedford but not seriously injured. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Not My Fault In February in East Providence, R.I., the family of the late boater William J. Hussey, 55, filed a wrongful death lawsuit against the city, arguing that Hussey's fatal heart attack was caused by Assistant Harbor Master Paul J. Williams during a 1998 incident. However, according to police reports, all Williams had done was to yell at Hussey, who was maneuvering his boat without required navigation lights. Hussey's nearly last words were, to Williams, "Mind your own (expletive deleted) business." In February, former Chicago municipal treasurer Miriam Santos was released from a prison work camp near Pekin, Ill., when her federal extortion conviction was overturned on appeal. She met immediately with reporters and announced that she would try to regain her old job at the next opportunity and said, about her crime, "I am probably the first woman to go to jail (merely) for PMS-ing." In March, a representative of a private prisoner-transportation service in North Dakota told the legislature that the reason convicted murderer-child molester Kyle Bell escaped from the company's bus in October was that prison officials failed to inform the company that Bell was an escape risk. The paperwork on his transfer, said the company, showed only that he was serving a life sentence. Mark Merrill, 38, filed a lawsuit in February in Gary, Ind., against Donald Trump, alleging that the reason Merrill turned to bank robbery (in Peotone, Ill., in 1998 and Mokena, Ill., in 1999) was excessive debt, in that the floating Trump Casino in Gary fed his gambling addiction by enticing him to wager, even offering him free trips to Las Vegas. In Tampa, Fla., in March, Ed O'Rourke filed a lawsuit against Tampa Electric Co. (and several taverns) because he absorbed 13,000 volts after he climbed up one of the company's transformers in what he called a "drunken stupor." The voltage knocked O'Rourke from the transformer, burned 60 percent of his body, and left him with a permanently dead right arm. O'Rourke told a Tampa Tribune reporter that he is "unable to control his urge to drink alcoholic beverages." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ In Their Own Words Zamora the Torture King (mentioned in News of the Weird in 1999 for his outrageous Jim Rose Circus act of swallowing a length of twine and then removing it on stage via self-surgery on his stomach), to a New York Post reviewer in May on what his parents think about his act: "I told (Mom) a while ago that I was a fire-eater, and it got her upset, so I haven't told her much more. My dad's just happy I'm successful doing something." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Recurring Themes The Classic Middle Name (all new): Charged with murdering a college student he met on the Internet, San Antonio, April: Kenny Wayne Lockwood. Arrested for the murder of two Canadian tourists in Mexico, December: Donald Wayne Rainey. Arrested for the murder of a high school student during a shooting spree inside an apartment building, Corpus Christi, Texas, June: Louis Wayne Watters Jr. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Least Justifiable Homicides A 37-year-old man was charged with beating another to death in a dispute over whom a "Planet of the Apes" video belonged to (Roanoke Rapids, N.C., June). A 41-year-old man was charged with smashing his landlord's skull with a sledgehammer after the landlord had cautioned him to lift the seat when he uses the toilet (Wealdstone, North London, England, March). A 45-year-old motorist was charged with shooting a police officer to death during a traffic stop because he feared additional points on his driver's license (near Frankfurt, Germany, February). ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Also, in the Last Month ... A dog exploring a discarded pickled pigs' feet jar on June 18 got his head stuck inside and constantly ran in fear from neighbors who tried to help, until a man freed him on June 30 (Mobile, Ala.). The unrelated Republican Steve Nass of Whitewater, Wis., and Democrat Steve Nass of Lake Mills, Wis., 20 miles away, officially filed for election to the state legislature. A 27-year-old man, upset at the judge's setting a high bond for him on a charge that he beat his mother, viciously rammed his head into a courthouse wall and is now paralyzed (Parma, Ohio). A 35-year-old grocery customer was arrested after he beat up a man who was behind him in line but who had tried to jump ahead when an adjacent register opened (Westport, Conn.). Thanks This Week to James McKaskie, Mike & Paula Bauer, Ronda Bumgardner, Jeff Frazer, Steve Abbott, Paul Blumstein, Paul Tucek, and Joel O'Brien, and to the News of the Weird Senior Advisors and Chief Correspondents. ################################################################ News of the Weird(tm) by Chuck Shepherd 2000(c) Chuck Shepherd. Distributed by Universal Press Syndicate All Rights Reserved. The name News of the Weird is a registered trademark of Chuck Shepherd.

Bizarre News ------------- What a Difference a Day Can Make ------------- FORDYCE, Arkansas - One day will get you twenty, or it could for an inmate that decided to flee from jail the same day that a judge ordered his release. Sherman Lee Parks, 50, had served nine months in the Dallas County Jail. According to Dallas County Sheriff Donny Ford, "The judge ruled that since they had been locked up for nine months to let them out." Parks, now wanted for an escape attempt was re-arrested and sent back to the Dallas County Jail the next day. ------------------- Revenge Of The Apes -------------------- PILANA, India - Here is a story that will soon hit the Discovery Channel. More than 2000 monkeys whose habitat had been destroyed invaded the small village of Pilana. Residents had to barricade themselves in their huts and homes to avoid the savage attacks of the simian sect. More than 50 people were treated for monkey wounds and game officials from nearby Bikaner finally had the village under control after two days of terror. ------------- The Road Rage Special of the Week ------------- POWELL, Tennessee - In an effort to combat anti-gun campaign- ers, a used car dealer in Tennessee is offering a "Buy a car and get a free rifle" special on Saturday. Buyers will receive a voucher redeemable for a used, bolt action rifle at GunCraft Sports in nearby West Knoxville, Tennessee. Those redeeming the vouchers in the one-day promotion would have to comply with all government regulations showing they are qualified before they could acquire the weapon. According to Greg Lam- bert, head of Advantage Auto Sales, he and the Knoxville- based rights group have been upset by some anti-gun activi- ties, including a recent gun buy-back conducted by the Knox- ville Police Department -- a move the rights group said was needlessly disarming the citizens of Knoxville and wasting taxpayers' money. --------------- 60 Gallons and Still Pumping --------------- ST PAUL, Minnesota - Harry Loomer, aka "Bloody Harry," earned the rare 60-gallon pin from the American Red Cross while on a visit to St. Paul, where he topped off his 60th gallon of donated blood. Since 1954, Loomer said he has donated blood 480 times in 21 states and about 80 cities, as well as in Can- ada and the Philippines. For reaching the 60-gallon mark last week, the St. Paul branch of the Red Cross had a little party for Loomer at which the staff sang an original tribute written to the tune of "I'm Just Wild About Harry." A large red-and- white cake had 480 lifesavers on it. Loomer, who claims he has not been sick in 50 years, says he is "going for 100 gallons."

The moral of this piece of news - is - don't get bitten by a rattlesnake!!! Monday August 28 5:45 PM ET US running short of rattlesnake anti-venom By Steve Mitchell WASHINGTON (Reuters Health) - A nationwide shortage of rattlesnake antivenin (antidote to snake venom) is looming in the US, after the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) closed a production facility belonging to Wyeth-Ayerst, the only manufacturer of the product.The FDA closed the company's Marietta, Pennsylvania plant due to quality control problems late last year. ``Portions of that plant were closed for renovations in December,'' Wyeth spokesperson Doug Petkus told Reuters Health. This is the same plant that produces Wydase, an absorption enhancer of other drugs, which has resulted in a nationwide shortage of that drug as well.In a July 12 letter to several hospitals, including the Hi-Desert Medical Center (HDMC) in Joshua Tree, California, Wyeth notified the centers of an anticipated shortage of the antivenin.The stock of the product, Wyeth said, was being placed in a controlled inventory and orders would be ``filled only to end users on an emergency basis.'' The company added, ``It is likely there w ll be periods when product is unavailable, including this year's period of peak usage.'' ``It's a nationwide problem,'' Deborah O'Connor of the HDMC, told Reuters Health. The HDMC sees many rattlesnake bites each year because it is located in an environment that is ``rattlesnake heaven,'' Herman Galicia, Director of HDMC's pharmacy, said.``What you're going to see is people suffering from the shortage, if it continues,'' O'Connor said, because hospitals' supply of antivenin can be exhausted just treating one patient.Galicia noted that the HDMC had only about 40 vials on hand, which is more than any other center in the area but is only enough to treat ``2 bites or 1 very, very serious one.'' However, Wyeth's Petkus said, ``The controlled inventory seems to be working efficiently and according to plan.'' In addition to the southern part of California, rattlesnake bites are seen frequently in Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, Utah and the Midwest, O'Connor said. Petkus said he is ``not aware of any'' incidents in which the company had to rush antivenin to a hospital for treatment of a rattlesnake bite. But he noted that the company ``has the ability to get the antivenin anywhere in a matter of hours.''Rose Ann Soloway, associate director of the American Association for Poison Control Centers, said that bite victims need treatment immediately. ``A couple of hours'' may be okay, she said, but ``24 hours is too long.'' The HDMC has not seen any bites since the shortage was announced and no centers ``have called me needing antivenin,'' Galicia commented. He added that the peak season for rattlesnake bites is past and that the HDMC generally does not see any bites after September.Soloway said the biting season ``probably will extend to Fall, but it really depends on the weather.'' If it gets cold, the snakes become less active and consequently there are fewer bites. Normal production of the antivenin should resume in ``the first quarter of 2001,'' Petkus said. The FDA did not return phone calls from Reuters Health on Monday.

LEAD STORIES On July 4 at Coney Island in New York, Japan's Kazutoyo "The Rabbitt" Arai (who weighs 101 pounds) beat defending champ Steve Keiner (400 pounds) in the annual Nathan's international hot-dog-eating championship. Arai gobbled up 25 in 12 minutes, to Keiner's 16. Slim Japanese eaters have frequently won the contest, which struck Keiner as "one of God's mysteries," but another bulbous former U.S. champ, Ed Krachie (who ate 15 this year), once postulated the "Belt of Fat" theory, that surrounding fat limits stomachs' expansion. Researcher Peter Cochrane of British Telecommunications continues development of his "Soul Catcher" brain-implanted microchip that he believes some day will be capable of recording all of a person's chemical reactions in all senses so as to capture "a lifetime's worth of experience and feeling," according to a June New York Times report. (Already, doctors at a Veterans Administration hospital believe they have trained a patient whose ability to communicate was shut down by a brain-stem trauma; after an implant, he can order a cursor around merely by thinking of where he wants it to go.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Art of Protest In June, a British housewife held an appliance repairer hostage in her home for three hours until the company agreed to replace the faulty washing machine it had sold her and been unable to fix (Somerset, England). In April near Milan, Italy, about 30 voters showed up at the polls wearing only underwear, somehow in protest of excessive airport noise. In May, an unidentified man burst into a congressional hearing in Washington, D.C., armed with jagged-edged soda bottles and threatened to kill himself if someone didn't stop Pepsi from selling sodas to eastern European countries. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Unclear on the Concept In May, the Maricopa County (Ariz.) District Library announced that it had received a 15,000-book donation from a drive sponsored by the Cracker Barrel restaurant chain, a campaign that all together distributed more than 1 million donated books. However, the Maricopa County gift consisted of 1,000 pasta cookbooks, 200 copies of a book on Windows 95 software, and 11,796 copies of the same children's book, "What Would Happen If ..." In April, the New Hampshire legislature voted to correct its law on penalties for sex abuse of children. Adults convicted of aggravated sexual assault on a child in New Hampshire can receive up to 20 years in prison, but until the new bill actually becomes law, molesting one's own child still draws a maximum of only seven years. In May, a judge in Tampa, Fla., sentenced teen-ager Valessa Robinson to 18 years in prison for the confessed-to brutal beating death of her mother at the hands of Valessa and her boyfriend. Four days earlier, two other Florida judges had sentenced statutory-rape defendants (whose victims only reluctantly testified against them) to 71 years and 105 years in prison. (The first was a 25-year-old South Dakota man who clumsily romanced a 13-year-old Largo girl with a diamond ring; the second was a Miami college professor who had smuggled a somewhat-eager Honduran teen-age boy into the United States as a housemate and had occasional sex with him.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Well, Sure! Queens College (New York City) professor Harvey Baker told The New York Times in May that he had a dynamic new method for helping people overcome even intense fears of tarantulas. However, he had fallen far short of the 100 volunteers he needed to demonstrate the method because few people who have extreme tarantula phobia would participate in his study. In February, Patrick Lee Harned, 17, who is jailed in Astoria, Ore., on charges that he killed a 7-year-old girl at the command of the voices in his head, turned to convicted serial killer Keith "Happy Face" Jesperson, serving a life term at the Oregon State Penitentiary, for advice on prison life, girls and, of course, defense strategy. Wrote Harned, "I just want to get my time done and do good and get married and have a kid and have a better life and walk on the beach with my wife, kid, family, and have a better life with help, amen. What can I do?" An April New England Journal of Medicine article reporting the results of automobile whiplash claims in Saskatchewan before and after the province switched to no-fault insurance revealed that whiplash was much more common under the "fault" system. According to a commentator, part of the result might be due to victims gaming the system, but the results might also show that "if you have to prove you are ill, you can't get well." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ In Their Own Words Pittsburgh anti-circumcision activist Ron Miller, 58, speaking to a meeting of men to encourage foreskin-restoration in order to enhance penile sensitivity, quoted in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette in April: "(The pleasure) you're going to get back is so different, don't expect your brain to understand it." He also admonished men not to delay, as he did: "I'm pissed off about the 40 years of wasted sex I had." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Update A genre given up in this column four years ago as No Longer Weird has been resurrected by advances in science. It has been known for years that production of heat-trapping methane by livestock flatulence was a major contributor to global warming, but the 1997 Kyoto protocol created technology incentives to reduce the problem, such as the development in Scotland recently of special bacteria for animal feed that converts the methane to less-noxious carbon dioxide in cows' digestive systems, and an industrial Beano-type supplement developed by a Canadian firm to ease cows' belches and other emissions. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Least Competent Criminals In June, according to police in Detroit, Dwayne Nolan was to meet his lawyer at a police station so they could fill out the paperwork to get Nolan's car back after it had been impounded in an alleged drug deal. As Nolan awaited the lawyer's arrival, officers noticed that Nolan was in fact the same man currently wanted locally for murder. Said Sgt. Joe O'Leary later: "I've never seen anybody actually walk into a station on another matter, obviously knowing he's wanted on a murder warrant." To make it official, an officer asked the lawyer, matter-of-factly, to identify a photo taken from the warrant, which he did (according to the police), and Nolan was arrested. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Also, in the Last Month ... A 23-year-old man died from a friend's punch to the chest, delivered only after the man begged to be hit to relieve his hiccups (Ocean City, Md.). A vicious heat wave in Turkey was credited with saving a life when a suicidal woman on a mountainside swooned before she could leap, and was rescued. An America West pilot (who had flown the day before), riding as a passenger on an America West flight, went out of control, screaming, throwing things, and yelling "Get away from me," until he was restrained by the crew (Phoenix). A county judge (who is an opera fan) enlisted 21 jail inmates to be extras in a local production of Verdi's "Aida," earning community-service credits (Cincinnati).

---------- Cat Nap Not So Purrr-fect for Burglar ---------- Bartlett, New Hampshire - Falling asleep on the job couldn't have come at a worse time for Daniel Wootton, 21, of Bridgton, Maine. Wootton was arrested this weekend on account of felony burglary charges after entering and raiding a home Saturday afternoon. After turning the house upside down, Wootton placed his heap of stolen goods by the door, and then decided to take a nap. "He said he was real tired and so he was just going to take a quick nap," said police Chief Bob Snow. "Unfortunately his internal alarm clock just didn't buzz." A neighbor first sighted the intruder's car in the driveway, and when the police arrived they arrested Wootton after waking him from his slumber. - Customers Looking to Scalp Company for Faulty Follicles -- NEWARK, N.J. - A New Jersey-based hair replacement company, United Micro Systems, Inc., has settled a lawsuit for $300,000 to resolve claims made by its customers who said the "hair replacement systems" they were sold were a sham. The company claimed in various advertisements that its "Dermal Retention System" was "the secret of the rich and famous," while also claiming that the system had a 98.1 percent success rate. The ads also falsely claimed that hair would be added on to the scalp through "an FDA-approved, medical grade interfusion system." Over 200 customers realized something was wrong when their toupees' began falling off, and they soon discovered that the hair was simply glued to their scalp. The treatments cost the customers between $2,000 and $8,000.

+---------------------- Bizarre Laws ----------------------+ IOWA One-armed piano players must perform for free. A man with a moustache may never kiss a woman in public. It is a violation of the law to sell or distribute drugs or narcotics without having first obtained the appropriate Iowa drug tax stamp. In Indianola, the "Ice Cream Man" and his truck are banned. In Fort Madison, the fire department is required to practice fire fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire. In Marshalltown, horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants Within the city limits of Ottumwa, a man may not wink at any woman he does not know.

------ Passengers in Chinese Airport Left in the Dark ------ BEIJING - The Shantou airport runway in the southern Chinese province of Guangdong was left in darkness on August 18 after being ravaged by a band of thieves. The runway was forced to shutdown for 10 hours after the thieves stole 69 landing lights from 14 rows of the runway, according to the Guangzhou Daily. The fiasco took 12 hours and 20 workmen to repair and ran the airport 450,000 yuan ($54,350) to repair.

Sunday September 10 9:11 PM ET Scientists Answer Ticklish Question http://dailynews.yahoo.com/htx/nm/20000910/sc/britain_tickling_dc_1.html LONDON (Reuters) - Scientists may have unraveled a mystery which has puzzled them and millions of children for years -- why it is impossible to tickle yourself? The Daily Telegraph said on Monday the secret lies in the cerebellum, a region at the back of the brain which predicts the sensory consequences of movements and sends signals to the rest of the brain instructing it to ignore the resulting sensation. Sarah-Jayne Blakemore of the University College of London examined six volunteers using magnetic resonance imaging to scan their brains as their palms were tickled by a machine. The scan was repeated while they tickled their own palms. In the first case the machine succeeded in tickling the volunteer because the cerebellum cannot warn the rest of the brain when the stimulus is external, even if the brain knows it is about to be tickled. The mechanism once protected us against predators by distinguishing between stimuli that were created ourselves and those generated externally. But the system can be fooled. When the robot used by the volunteers to tickle themselves delayed the action by a fraction of a second, the tickling sensation was there. ``So it is possible to tickle yourself, but only by using robots,'' Blakemore said.

Tuesday September 12, 6:41 PM http://uk.news.yahoo.com/000912/80/aj2ef.html UK firm says it will turn old tyres to oil next year LONDON (Reuters) - Motorists currently struggling to find working petrol pumps will from next year be able to turn their old tyres into oil, a British smokeless fuel manufacturer said on Tuesday. Britain is suffering a shortage of fuel as protestors, upset by escalating fuel costs, block supplies. Coalite Smokesless Fuels said its plant will be able to turn up to 80,000 tonnes of old tyres into about 150,000 barrels of oil, similar in quality to North Sea Brent crude which on Tuesday was priced at about $33 (23.49 pounds) a barrel on the International Petroleum Exchange in London. "We are currently in advanced stage of negotiations with tyre collectors," Nick Ross, Coalite Smokeless Fuels' commercial director told Reuters. Some scrap tyres are currently burnt for their energy value or recycled to produce carpet underlay, but a high percentage is used in landfill. Ross said tighter laws such as the EU Landfill Directive which comes into force in 2003 will make these disposal options increasingly difficult.

Just in time for the Olympics: +---------------------- Bizarre Laws ----------------------+ Australia In Victoria, it is illegal to wear hot pink pants after midday Sunday. It is illegal to walk on the right hand side of a footpath. In Victoria, only licensed electricians may change a light bulb. The fine for not abiding by this law is 10 pounds. It is illegal to roam the streets wearing black clothes, felt shoes and black shoe polish on your face as these items are the tools of a cat burglar. Children may not purchase cigarettes, but they may smoke them. In Victoria, you must have a neck to knee swimsuit in order to swim at Brighton Beach. In Tasmania, until the Port Arthur Killings it was legal to own an AK-47 but not legal to be gay.

WEST YORKSHIRE - As Elaine Sheridan was preparing to feed her three dogs from a tin of Winalot dog food she received a big surprise. A live toad jumped out of the tin and across her kitchen floor. One would think the two-inch amphibian would have croaked, literally, after being trapped in a tin from France for three months. But according to Dr. Roger Meek, he believes the toad could have survived by shutting down its metabolism. The Sheridans are keeping the lucky toad as a pet and have named it Buddy after the toads from the Budweiser commercials.

Friday, 22 September, 2000, 17:28 GMT 18:28 UK Parliamentary toilet paper torment http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/world/africa/newsid_937000/937981.stm There is more paper in the chamber than in the pan Parliamentarians in South Africa have been caught short by a lack of paper - not for legislative work, but for business of a more personal kind. MPs and staff throughout the complex of buildings are reporting a drastic shortage of toilet paper. Those with urgent calls of a non-legislative nature have had to make do with paper towels, or provide their own substitute. Concerned toilet-goers reported that the supply began drying up several weeks ago. Various other sanitary products such as rubbish bags and cleaning products are also in short supply. Instructions The shortages appear particularly acute in the Old Assembly Wing, which houses most of the press corps. This is not what was meant by a paperless society The situation became so severe that a spoof memo appeared in the toilets purporting to be from the parliament's administration advising users how to get the maximum benefit from the minimum number of sheets. But although the disappearance of a commodity such as toilet paper is distressing, it is just the latest in a series of items to go missing from parliament. Thefts One MP left his office to go to the toilet and, while history does not relate whether or not there was any paper there, when he returned to his office a couple of minutes later his lap-top computer had disappeared. Thefts have been endemic and range from copper off the roof through pictures off the walls to a salami slicer from the kitchens. Someone even walked out with a historic diamond ring bequeathed to the parliament at the turn of the century. The exact cause of the shortage of toilet paper has yet to be flushed out. Relief It could be due to theft or a fault in the supply chain but a journalist in the parliament told BBC News Online that, once they tried to get to the bottom of the situation, things started improving. He said once the problem had been publicised, staff were spotted rushing along the corridors carrying large bags of toilet rolls. But although supplies are flowing again they are not unlimited. Staff have been instructed to put only one roll in each cubicle.

Monday September 25, 3:00 PM Having a snail of a time! http://uk.news.yahoo.com/000925/15/akk6h.html World's first ever online snail race, organised by Blue Square, is a trailblazing new entry onto the gambling scene. The first ever snail race in the world to be broadcast on the Web took place Monday, at http://www.bluesquare.com. UK betting service Blue Square organised the race, which involved six snails racing up 427mm poles away from water. Snails were randomly chosen and colour-coded, and every snail given odds of 4-1. Races are to take place every day at 12:30pm from Monday through to Saturday, and you can tune in for live streaming coverage. In today's race, the "black" snail roared to the finishing line like a true pro, while the less orthodox "red" snail left its own pole and began climbing up the blue one.

noisy shrimps Snapping shrimps are the noisiest creatures in the shallow ocean, capable of drowning out submarine sonar by the "snap, crackle and pop" of bubbles generated by their claws. That is the verdict of researchers who have been studying how the tiny marine organisms make such a din. Go to to read the rest of the article, see pix and HEAR noisy shrimps!!! http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/sci/tech/newsid_935000/935855.stm

Oh, Maggie...never use the restrooms in Westminster. They are all stamped with Property of the Borough of Westminster. I thought they wanted it back! I still have a few sheets I brought home! +--------------- Bizarre National Holidays ----------------+ OCTOBER IS... October is... National Sarcastics Month October is... National Apple Jack Month October is... National Pickled Pepper Month October 3 is... Virus Appreciation Day October 6 is... Come and Take It Day October 9 is... Moldy Cheese Day October 12 is... Moment Of Frustration Scream Day October 14 is... Be Bald and Free Day October 16 is... Dictionary Day October 17 is... Gaudy Day October 21 is... Babbling Day October 25 is... Punk For A Day Day October 28 is... Plush Animal Lover's Day October 29 is... Hermit Day October 30 is... National Candy Corn Day October 31 is... Halloween [A truly bizarre holiday.]

...the tissue is all stamped with that information too... That is what I thought I should send back. You won't tell on me, will you?! Promise to bring it back...!

NEW ZEALAND - Tired of listening to your rowdy neighbors party all night? Geoff Marsland in New Zealand has developed the perfect weapon to annoy the pesky partiers. It is an hour long CD featuring 64 uninterrupted minutes of the high-pitched whirring of a lawnmower. Marsland said that you have to some- times remind people that there are others living nearby. Over 4000 copies of the CD have been sold since its release. And according to Marsland, this is only the beginning. "I'm going to do one on farm sounds as well," he concluded.

Ha ha Marcia ...the shortage is in South Africa ...I'm very tempted to be crude about our politicians and their need for TP but, being the lady I am, I won't!!!!

I thought surely it was Washington DC which had the lock on the world's supply of such delicate tissue... They keep making more and more occasions to use it, as well. Lock them all in a room and throw away the key!!! Without the tissue!

This could get messy *grin*

Least Competent Criminals A 17-year-old boy was arrested in Loomis, Calif., in July after he was unsuccessful in what might have been an attempt to emulate the notorious "Rooftop Robber," who had burglarized more than 40 businesses in California and other states by entering through roofs (and who was captured in May). Unlike the original, the 17-year-old crashed through a false ceiling in his first job, broke a sink standing on it trying to climb out, then made it to a false ceiling and crawled to an adjacent store, but fell through that ceiling, too, injuring his ankle, and then finally, on his way out, tripped the burglar alarm and had police waiting for him. Latest Rages The following people apparently get really set off by the following things: Mark Adam Yazzie, 26 (got into an argument with his brother-in-law about the merits of rap music vs. rock and ran him over with a truck; Santa Rosa, Calif., June). Jane Graham, 77 (pointed a butcher knife at a neighbor man's groin and threatened to "cut it off" because he was playing his stereo too loud; Winnipeg, Manitoba, July). Gerard Corbo, 56 (at his son's wedding, started a fistfight when a guest referred to the groom by the wrong first name; Westlake, Ohio, June).

TFTD-L@TAMU.EDU Thought For The Day * According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of the returns." *************** tftd wonders if this could be a root cause for 'low voter turnout'.

+---------------- Bizarre Insurance Claims ----------------+ Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law and headed over the embankment. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

----------------- Hog Wild in First Class ------------------ 30,000 FT. ABOVE SEATTLE - Someone at USAirways is getting sacked over this one. Two women flying from Philadelphia to Seattle managed to get their 200 pound hog through Philadelphia International Airport and onto the first-class section of their flight. How did they manage this? By flashing a doctor's note to convince the ground crew that their 200 pound hog was a service animal [kind of like a seeing-eye pig]. "You can't believe how that dang pig squealed," commented one passenger. As the plane approached Seattle the pig charged through the aisles and attempted to break into the cockpit, according to a USAirways report. The FAA is focusing on whether the pig was a flight safety hazard.

----------- Another Mathematical Genius at Large ----------- LOUISIANA - There is one bandit in Louisiana who had better give up armed robbery until he learns how to count. The man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer was $15. ---------- Drug Smugglers Use Hanes Their Own Way ---------- MIAMI - Flight attendants sported "extra padding" in their underwear as part of a drug smuggling operation from Colombia to the United States. A total of 17 people, eight of whom have been arrested in the United States, were named in a seven-count indictment for smuggling heroin and cocaine in their underwear. Florida U.S. Attorney Guy Lewis stated that the drug ring was bringing about 33 to 44 pounds of heroin a month into the country, from the Venezuelan capital of Caracas to Miami International Airport. From Miami, the heroin was taken up to New York. Those arrested so far are Venezuelan, Colombian and U.S. citizens, and have been charged with drug offenses such as bringing drugs into the United States and conspiracy to distribute them.

+---------------------- Bizarre Laws ----------------------+ FLORIDA Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. In Pensacola, a women can be fined (only after death), for being electrocuted in a bath-tub because of using self- beautification utensils. Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays. In Daytona Beach, the molestation of trash cans is banned. It is considered an offense to shower naked. In Sarasota, if you hit a pedestrian you are fined $78.00. You may not kiss your wife's breasts. In Sarasota, you may not catch crabs.

Man Finds His Stolen Car on in the Internet TOKYO (Reuters) - A 26-year-old Japanese man, playing detective online, discovered his own stolen Porsche for sale on the Internet at a used car lot's Web site, Japanese media reported. The Yomiuri Shimbun newspaper said the man trawled through Tokyo used car dealers' Web sites after his 1997 Porsche Boxter was stolen from his home in a wealthy area of Tokyo in September. After wading through inventories of about 100,000 vehicles, he narrowed his search down to about 20 1997 Boxters. Of those, one had about the same mileage as his, the newspaper said. It said police suspect organized crime may have been behind the theft.

wow!

Love-Crazed Father of 42 to Marry Again BEIRUT (Reuters) - Lebanese farmer Ghassan Abdel-Al loves women so much that his three exhausted wives have decided to marry him off to a fourth, a Beirut daily reported Friday. Al-Kifah al-Arabi said Abdel-Al, who lives in a remote area in south Lebanon, will take another wife in a few weeks to keep up with his insatiable sexual appetite. The 47-year-old Muslim farmer has sired a total of 42 children, known in their village as "The Militia." Islam allows men to take up to four wives. Abdel-Al got married for the first time in his 20s. A few years and a dozen children later, his wife felt he was getting bored with her so she set him up with a second woman. The second wife then bore Abdel-Al at least a dozen more babies, and then told him to marry a third woman. The farmer told the newspaper that he was looking forward to his fourth wife. "Allah ordered us to love each other and I love women. I can't live without love, or at least without women, that is the way Allah created me," he said.

* The Golden Tower Project, an installation by Seattle artists at this year's Burning Man festival, consisted of 400 jars of urine from other artists, stacked and electroluminescently lighted ("gorgeous," "faintly blue and gold," "warm, kind of like biological stained glass," according to Seattle's The Stranger weekly). (In 1993, News of the Weird reported that New York City artist Todd Alden had asked 400 art collectors worldwide to send him samples of their feces so he could offer them for sale in personalized tins. Said Alden, "Scatology is emerging as an increasingly significant part of artistic inquiry in the 1990s.") * News of the Weird has reported on scientists who borrow the jellyfish's "green protein" for medically productive genetic modifications, but Chicago artist Eduardo Kac created controversy in September by proposing to create embryos with the jellyfish's green-light-producing gene just to make visually appealing organisms, such as a glowing rabbit. (Kac's major work so far is "Genesis," a sentence from the Old Testament, translated into Morse Code, transposed onto DNA, inserted into fluorescent bacteria, and lit up when anyone accesses the piece on Kac's Web site.) * In a summer contract with the city of Montreal, artist Devora Neumark performed "The Art of Conversation," which consisted of her standing at the entrance to a subway station from noon to 4 p.m. every Tuesday and "conducting spontaneous interchange with interested parties on a variety of topics." Frontiers of Science * A U.S. Forest Service researcher announced in August that her team had discovered the largest living thing ever found, a 24-centuries-old fungus, covering 2,200 acres in the Blue Mountains of eastern Oregon; DNA testing confirmed that the underground, stringlike structure was all the same organism. And three weeks later near Lake Okeechobee, a University of Florida biologist discovered what he called an "evolutionary relic," a previously unknown, carnivorous, flowering plant that grows entirely underground but by photosynthesis. * An August British Broadcasting Corp. documentary, "Brain Story," featured a man whose cranial lobes were surgically severed in order to treat epilepsy and who now is able to do what he calls the "party trick" of drawing different designs, with each hand, at the same time. * Japan's Mizuno Corp. has developed a synthetic material for men's underpants that would keep the covered area one Celsius degree cooler than cotton underwear and therefore helpful, for example, to skiers (and, say doctors, to those desiring increased sperm production), according to an August New Scientist report. However, Canadian polyester-mesh underwear manufacturer Stanfield's Ltd. disputed Mizuno's claim of superiority; said a spokesman, "We just haven't got up the guts to measure the temperature of someone's crotch yet." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Winning Isn't Everything; It's the Only Thing" Thomas Lavery, 56, was indicted in Akron, Ohio, in August on nine counts of roughing up two of his high-achieving, home-schooled daughters when they performed worse in their endeavors than he expected. According to the indictment, when one daughter came in second in the National Spelling Bee, botching "cappelletti," Lavery threatened to kill her and had to be physically restrained. The girl told the Akron Beacon Journal that Lavery would punch them in the head for their failures and that screaming and profanity were common. Lavery complained to the Associated Press that he was "easier on (his kids) than my father was (on me)." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Update News of the Weird reported in 1999 on the lawsuit by 5,400 descendants of the 18th-century Welsh pirate Robert Edwards, claiming ownership of 77 acres of lower Manhattan (including the World Trade Center and the New York Stock Exchange). In August 2000, four descendants claimed to have found a copy of a 1778 lease for the land, which had been given to Edwards shortly before by a grateful King George, stating that Edwards' heirs would get the land back in 1877. The value of the land now is conservatively estimated at $750 billion, or $140 million per descendant. Courts in South Wales, New York City and Pittsburgh have opened proceedings. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Least Competent Criminals Customs Agent Adventures: Cocaine "mule" Jose Antonio Campos-Cloute was arrested at the Melbourne, Australia, airport, in September after a momentary lapse; as he was filling out the Customs form, he absentmindedly checked the "yes" box on whether he was carrying illicit substances, and that led to a search. And Briton Alison McKinnon was sentenced in August to five years in prison in Turkey for attempting to smuggle six pounds of heroin out, strapped to her chest; she was ready to board a plane home from Istanbul but was designated for searching only because one of her body-piercings set off a metal detector.

+---------------------- Bizarre Laws ----------------------+ ALABAMA In Jasper, it is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb. It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church. Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death. Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time. It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty. It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

Dear Marcia, How can you be so certain that "Mary Had A Little Lamb" was written by Sara Josepha Hale when the authorship is mired in dispute after dispute? Some have feverishly maintained that one Mary Hall, a classmate of Mary Sawyer of Sterling, Mass. who owned the lamb, wrote it. Other are equally certain that John Roulston wrote it. It is true that Mrs. Hale published in a youngsters magazine that she actually edited. Well, it was Mark Twain, who wrote, "It is the difference of opinion that makes the horse races."

Thanks for posting this, Jody. As I pointed out elsewhere, I get my trivial by an email service and placing it under my name should also include the source of my information or misinformation. Thanks for setting the record straight! +------------------ Bizarre Criminal Acts ------------------+ In order not to be identified by his clothing, a North Caro- lina bank robber stripped to his underwear and shoved a large wad of cash inside them. He was later "debriefed" when someone reported a man with strangely bulging underwear running down the street. A man with dreams of being a pizza delivery boy was arrested after going knocking on the doors of an apartment complex wearing nothing but a baseball hat. The man was caught while trying to jump over a fence and was booked in thirty minutes or less. Louis Abright had the bright idea of robbing a branch of a local bank in Lafayette, Louisiana with his head covered in whipped cream. By the time he demanded the money from the teller, his mask had melted and the police arrived lickity spilt. An immigration officer stopped a truck filled with illegal aliens and asked if anyone spoke English. When they all said no, he told them he was going to shoot them all, starting with the ones with brown shoes. As he drew his pistol, three men stepped forward and took the role of translator for the group.

Phil Bronstein, of SF Chronicle, is in the hospital after having been bitten (mauled sounds more like it) on the foot by a Kimodo Dragon at I forget which Zoo (LA I think). He was on a special just for him for father's day back stage tour of the zoo, esp. to see the Kimodo Dragon. Apparently he was wearing white sneakers and was told that they might appear to resemble the white mice fed to the Kimodo Dragon. So instead he was barefoot when he was attacked by said KD. Sounds like he's lost much of a big toe and is danger of umpteen different kinds of extemely nasty bacteria which can cause sepsis. Apparently there are left over particles of food in the KD's mouth which fester in nasty ways. This happened about a week ago. Here's the story: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2001/06/10/MN156967.DTL Should I have put this in the Jurassic Park topic? Isn't this the weirdest story?