Jokes and Funny Stories

There's an old lady who's quite distressed over her two female parrots because all they ever say to anyone is :"Hi! We're prostitutes, do you want to have some fun?" So she goes to see her parrish priest and asks him if there's anything he can do to help them. He replies:"I have two male parrots who I've taught to pray all day, to read the bible and to say the rosary. Bring your parrots over to the church and we'll pu t them together. I'm sure my parrots can help cure your parrots." The old woman brings her parrots over and places them in the cage with the two male ones. One of the female parrots says:" Hi! We're prostitutes, do you want to have some fun? One of the male parrots turns to the other one and says: "Jesus Christ, Frank p ut the bible down, our prayers have been answered!"

Do the stories have to be true or made up?

Either one is fine.

I started reading your joke Lisa, while making the mistake of trying to drink some morning coffeee. The coffee landed everywhere! :-) Super LOL. This is a very good idea.

Thanks Carl, I hope that you have some funny jokes to tell as well.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I sta rt to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his ass." 10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,"Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say,"Eat me." 12. The Virgin Mary is not reffered to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not:"Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God" 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Here is a story that my grandmother used to like to tell... Two old women meet on the street: Sophie: So Esther, how is your son's marriage? Esther: Tsk, Tsk...Sophie, my daughter-in-law is an absolute witch! She makes my son turn his whole paycheck over to her, makes him baby-sit the children once a week so that she can run around with her girlfriends, and makes him help her with the housew ork. I'm telling you, she's a witch! Sophie: Oh, too bad...and your daughter and her husband? Esther: A saint! My son-in-law is an absolute saint! He turns his whole paycheck over to her, watches the children once a week so that she can go out with her girlfriends, and helps her with the housework. I'm telling you, he is a saint!

Received the following in my e-mail from a net-friend who retired last year from job with AT&T in Hong Kong: MESSAGE from =HelenMegan@aol.com 04-MAR-97 1:34 Date: Mon, 3 Mar 1997 22:31:52 -0500 (EST) I am beginninging to worry about myself. This confirms it. Thanks to Ron Park in HK HOW TO TELL YOU'RE AN INTERNET JUNKIE 1. You wake up a 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 2. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher." 3. You name your children Eudora, Aol and Dotcom. 4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment. 6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access. 7. You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems. 8. You start using smileys in your snail mail. 9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem. And you succeed. 10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com 11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. 12. You start introducing yourself as "David at I-I-Net dot net dot com" 13. All of your friends have an @ in their names. 14. Your pet has its own home page. 15. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem. 16. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. 17. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box. 18. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screennames and you never bothered to ask. 19. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape. 20. You tell the cap driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html 21. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

Alright, now here is a true story of my own. About two and a half years ago, summer '95, I went on a school trip with my year. We went for a weekend in Kerry and everyone was excited, including me. Well, one night after dinner we were all left to our own pursuits because the teachers were in the other part of the dinnning room. The staff of the hotel had sealed of our half of the room and we were left to ourselves. Now being the person that I am, I had to go and do something stupid. I was swinging on my chair (which to begin with was not very sturdy) singing with my friends and holding a glass of over dilouted orange. Then it happened. The chair I had been swinging on finally gave way and plummeted to the ground with me on it! Everyone started laughing and me who would have laughed along with, but in this case I did'nt. Instead I was near crying because I realised I had broken the chair annd that I would now be kill d by the teachers. The teachers then came in to see what was all the noise about. Everyone was dissmised except for me and my three best friends who were sitting close to me. My friends stuck up for me and said I had not been swinging on the chair and that the chair gave way beneath for no reasonat all. The teacher accepted this story, though not wihout some doubts and I got away scott free. Now when everyone on that trip talks about Kerry the first thing they remember was me breaking the chair.

This story is perhaps better suited for Ripley's Believe It Or Not..... In January, when my father was seriously ill, he was placed in the critical care unit (CCU) at the hospital. Visitation is very limited and everyone waits in the CCU waiting room for the 15 minutes every 3-4 hours that visitation is allowed. After visit ing my father and feeling rather blue (because he clearly wasn't going to make it) I couldn't bear to go back to the crowded CCU waiting room. I went down the hall to the surgical waiting room, found it was nearly empty, and sat down to quietly cry while pretending to read a magazine. The pay telephone on the wall next to me rang. I answered it, expecting to next call out the name of someone in the waiting room. Imagine my surprise when it was my friend Wayne (known him for years and years--he was in o ur wedding). "Wayne", I said, "How on earth did you find me----I'm not even in the right waiting room!" "What are you talking about?" he asked. I explained how impressed I was that he had found me, the pay phone number, everything even though I was in ddifferent waiting room. "Wait a minute", he said. "Aren't you at home?" "Come on, Wayne---you must know where I am---after all you did call me!" It turned out that he thought he had called my house, that he had for some reason dialed the absolutely wrong number, and found me next to that pay phone in the hospital. We were stunned! Surely this could not have been divine intervention---Wayne is basically a heathen. ;-) No-one believes this story and I really can't blame them---I was involved in it a d now 2 months later I scarcely believe it myself!

Kali, you might like this one. Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows'95. I'm going to do something I've nev er done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell." Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?" St. Peter: "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help Your decision." Bill: "Fine, but where should I go first?" St. Peter: "I'll leave that up to you." "Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the Water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!" "Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter. "Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything g oi Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-Cl ad women playing in the water?" "That was a demo," replied St. Peter.

Margaret, I believe. What a blessing to get an unexpected call at such a time in such a way! How is your father, by the way?

Katy, thank you for believing. My father died a week later. He was so very ill and in so much pain that it was/is a blessing to believe he has gone to a better place.

Margaret - I am sorry about your dad - but twice as happy for your unexpected call!

Here is my funny story - an old one but still funny and embarassing when it happens. My daughter and I have some of our best conversations on the phone in the hour between the time she gets home for school and the time I leave work. She called me yesterday while I was meeting with a co-worker, and I asked her to call back in a few minute s. Two minutes after he left my office, the phone and I WAS SO SURE (!!) it was her I answered: "Hello, sweetheart" in my best motherly croon. Of course, it was my co-worker. He gasped, sputtered, laughed and said 'You just made my day!"

Okay, this is more embarassing than funny. A week ago, I was at uni walking down the hall, when we saw this gorgeous man walking down the hall, that did not look like a student at all. I couldn't help but gawk, and my girlfriends dared me to whistle at him. Being the idiot that I am, I did, and he turned around smiled, and continued walking. I walked into class a couple of hours later and our prof announced that we had editors from different mags to look at our work. So I sat down at this table with my group, and was face-to-face with the man I whistled at! He said "Hi," as I turned bright crimson.

Oh, Lizzia!

Surely this could not have been divine intervention. Think again, Margaret -- definitely BELIEVE. My sincere sympathies on the loss of your father. I lost my mother a year and a half ago under similar circumstances. Becks, how embarrassing! Funny how seemingly innocent things come back to haunt you.

So Rebecca, what happened next???

Surely this could not have been divine intervention. Think again, Margaret -- definitely BELIEVE. Oh, Susan, if only you knew Wayne. At his annual Halloween party he always dresses as the devil because it so suits his personality! He has been known to say outrageous things to near strangers (such as 'So, what have you been doing since your parole he aring?', just trying to get an amusing reaction. But, then again, I've always heard that God works in mysterious ways---but never suspected that He had a sense of humor! :-)

Margaret: But, then again, I've always heard that God works in mysterious ways---but never suspected that He had a sense of humor! :-) Oh honey, count on it! Just look around!

We'll Kate, I said "Hi" back, and that's about it, but my girlfriends burst out laughing, and he turned bright red. At the end of the meeting he said "Nice meeting you," but I didn't have the balls to continue the conversation.

Rebecca, he could have been your personal Darcy! In future, please think of Lizzy as your role model in these trying situations. ;}

o> o o> o .|. \|. \|/ // X \ | \ x | /\ >\ /\ /\ /\ /\ / ) |= >\ /\ >> | ">

*groan* ;-p

Cheryl, are you still here? Come to Pemberley if you can.

#24 Amy, Heaven forfend!!!

Mari, I will meet him again. He is coming to our wrap party for the magazine.

Received in E-mail today - enjoy! --Seinfeldisms... What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too." What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter. Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!" Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly." Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person? Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel." Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu? If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach? Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"? Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station? Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall? How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own? All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway? Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff." Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white! Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddie seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, "And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!" I think not.

Seinfeld Rules!

Rebecca, here is some advice for your wrap party, from Jane Austen herself; .. turn to him with an arch smile, and say, ``You mean to frighten me, by coming in all this state to hear me? But I will not be alarmed; there is a stubbornness about me that never can bear to be frightened at the will of others. My courage always rises with every attempt to intimidate me.'' and also... I am particularly unlucky in meeting with a person so well able to expose my real character, in a part of the world where I had hoped to pass myself off with some degree of credit. With such expert advice, how can you fail? When is the wrap party? I expect a full report, complete with all drooling and smirking possibilites italicised or bolded. Sincerely, Auntie Mari

Wow! Good advice, Mari. And of course I will give you a full report my dearest (other) Auntie. (Cheryl is my first Auntie)

Here are some of Moe's replies to Bart Simpson's crank calls. Hey, everybody, I.P. Freeley! Hey, guys, I'm lookin' for a Jacques Strap. Is there an Al Coholic here? Call for Oliver Kloushoff. I wanna Seymour Butts. C'mon, one o' you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual. Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately? Somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass! Come on guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here? Why can't I find Amanda Hugginkiss? Hey, everybody, put down your glasses. Ivana Tinkle! Aw, settle down. Anita Bath here? All right, fine, fine. Maya Butreeks?

From: Bruce Guthrie @ nmaa.org Subject: This explains it all! Cultural Differences Explained ==============================

HC, your topical and timely contributions continue to slay me -- thanks so much for sharing!

LOL - especially the beery tasting piss

Thanks, HC. LOL, especially at: Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid. Works for me!;-)

Haven't laughs like this for a while....great! HC Love your input

On HC�s site, there is a section under "Jane Austen Jokes" called "The Jane Austen Top Ten Song List." Some of the tunes include "Lord, It's Hard to be Humble" (Darcy), and "How Do You Solve a Problem like Maria?" (Sir Thomas and Lady Bertram). Here�s my own contribution: I Got Plenty of Nuthin�--the Bennet girls I Cain�t Say No--Lydia Bennet There�s No Business Like Show Business--Henry & Mary Crawford, Maria & Tom Bertram, Mr. Rushworth and Mr. Yates I Love a Piano--Jane Fairfax, Mary Bennet Change Partners--Harriet Smith Isn�t This a Lovely Day to be Caught in the Rain--Mrs. Bennet to Jane Lazy--Lady Bertram I Won�t Dance--Darcy, Lizzy (at different times) I�ve Got My Eyes on You--Mr.Knightley to Emma Love For Sale--Mrs. Bennet My Heart Belongs to Daddy--Emma Woodhouse I�m Afraid I Love You--Darcy An Armful of You--Willoughby Nobody�s Chasing Me--Caroline Bingley Glad to Be Unhappy--Marianne Dashwood I�ve Got a Crush on You--Harriet Smith Ask Me Again--Lizzy, post-Pemberley Where Are the Men?--Kitty & Lydia Bennet Bidin� My Time--Frank Churchill Take My Mother Home--Jane and Elizabeth Bennet The Gentleman is a Dope--Maria Bertram re Mr. Rushworth There�s No Cure Like Travel--Elizabeth Bennet Love Me, Love My Pekinese--Lady Bertram On And On And On--Miss Bates Why Am I So Gone About That Gal--Darcy Memories--Mrs. Musgrove Medley: There is Nothing Like a Dame, There�ll Always Be a Lady Fair, Falling Out of Love Can Be Fun, Just One of Those Things, So Long It�s Been Good to Know You--Willoughby, Wickham, William Elliott, Henry Crawford

ROFLOL!!! Capital, Anne3, Capital!!!

Anne3, perfect!

Wondrful, Anne3!

Oh Anne! What a hoot! SNORT!

ROTFLOL Anne - It's very, very clever and definitely needs to be posted right along with the others on HC's site!

Water and field fowl hunters take note: Appropos this cloning business, the Scots have managed to breed a hunting dog with an African Hyena. Hunting dogs will be able to point and laugh at their targets at the same time.

What about this song for Mr. Darcy: "Take me to the River, Drop me in the water, washing me down, washing me down...tease me, please me."

But Candace, Darcy is certainly much more than a mere Talking Head! (sorry, couldn't resist.)

Carl, you ROTFLOLANed that coffee... Thanks, Mich...have I shared my "3 Most Powerful Men and Armageddon" joke?

Don't know if anyone is ready for this one, but for the following bit of doggerel it helps to know that my last name is pronounced "freeze'-em-a". Were my daughter to marry the grandson of Issac Asimov, her name would be (drum roll...): Kathryn Rachel Friesema-Asimov. P.S. A good friend of mine related this to Mr Asimov in the late 80's at a function of the Space Studies Institute (Princeton, N.J.), to which the three of us belong as senior associates. He reported that Mr Asimov chuckled in amusement.

But should you really wish to do that to your daughter, sir? What do you do, Bill?

I having lot of fun working solo out of my home as a software developer (have been programming for about 25 years). Came to U.S. as a very young one from the Netherlands. Have a heavy background in physics and meteorology. I currently am developing programs for the railroad industry. Love reading, chess, astronomy, music, wilderness canoeing (I've been going up to Canada every year since 1980), and running. And to answer your question: No, I do not wish the connection. Best she should first secure her education before reviewing prospects.

Carl, I loved your dog, and Anne3 lots of laughing on your list from Plenty of nutting to I wont dance...May I suggest 'I could have danced all night' ,Mr Collins 'Tonight'(West side story) Darcy after music evening at Pemb. 'Do you miss me tonight?', Captain Wentworth 'Like a bridge over troubled water', Colonel Brandon 'Mother'(J Lennon), Anne De Bourgh

Welcome Bill. Re; your wildnerness canoeing; I've been to the Quetico several times, always thru an outfitter in Ely; my hubby goes every year with a group of friends (we live in Wisconsin, Milwaukee metro area). Where do you enter the park?

Oh, canoeing might be a fun summer gathering for our cult.

Hi Mari, Mostly we enter Quetico thru Atikokan; but have entered several times thru Beaver House Lake, French Lake, and Cache Bay. We outfit ourselves and go very light, single portaging all the way for a week. I have an 18 foot Wenonah Sundowner, Kevlar, that weighs 44 pounds. Do a lot of fishing, skinning dipping, and my latest hobby: bread baking. I make an oven using flat stones. Sour dough is my specialty. Nothing tastes better than a fresh loaf in the pine scented air. Alice Lake and an island in Mackenzie B y are two of my favorite campsites in the Park. Last summer we passed within 200 yards of a raging forest fire on Bud Lake, which we had seen started by lightning a few days earlier. Quite exciting: very loud and I never saw so many different colors of smoke. Fire was leaping through the trees a hundred feet at a time. An island right next to us went up in flames. The hot air rose so fast that cooler air rushes in to the fire at lake level and whipped up the waves nicely for us. After we passed the infern , we just sat in our canoes for about 20 minutes and took it all in. Unforgettable. Any where do you go in the Park? Any favorite memories?

Kali, pls share your 3 Most Powerful Men and Armageddon.

Another copy writer bites the dust: I was listening to the radio with half an ear yesterday and heard: "How to protect your children from Pepsi, Burger King, and the top hits of the day!" Believing that I had tuned in a very conservative religious broadcast, I listened more carefully for a few minutes, but the station immediately began playing a Morissette song. so I mused on what I had heard until I realized that when the message left the copy writers desk it must have looked something like this (blue italics are my guesses): send for the booklet "How to Protect Your Children" from (meaning brought to you by) Pepsi, Burger King, and the Top Hits of the Day!

My favorite radio blooper (courtesy of that delightful little book: 'Anguished English': "Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs with the Canadian Broadcorping Castration".

I saw a headline a few years back during the silicon implant scare which read: Breast Implants Siezed Can you picture it?

Here's another one from Anguished English, from a history essay: Ferdinand Magellan - the man who circumcised the globe with his giant clipper.

That's definitly something Mrs Malaprop would say!

Just heard this, liked it, and thought you would too: "Women are like tea bags -- put them in hot water and they just get stronger"

I am woman -- hear me roar....