Hi -- This week's column is about my dog, Spike. I wrote it cause I don't have nice dog photos like other Web sites. Anyway, you can find it at the usual place, http://www.mikejasper.com Hope you like it, Jasper (not to be confused with Jasper, Texas. Ever.)

Yo! -- It's Rapmaster Jasper talkin' at you, okay? I've got 500 people on my mailing list now. You know what that means? 200 of you are lyin' ass pussies. So here's your opportunity. You want out, let me know. Cause this ain't majordomo talkin' at you. This is Major Mojo. Dig? Come clean. Come clean... Today's column is about Bad Circumcisions. Ugly. You can find it at: http://www.mikejasper.com/ Mike Jasper

ugh.

yep, but somehow we all feel the need to share...

a support group?

hmmm...

Hi -- Got a special St. Patrick's Day column for you. How special? It's about Zimbabwe. Just kidding. It's called "Ireland is the Mexico of Europe" and you can find it at: http://www.mikejasper.com Don't drink the green beer, Mike Jasper

Hello Internet Web Buddy! Yes, you can use an obscure part of the U.S. Constitution and become a JOURNALIST LIKE WALTER WINCHELL!!! Imagine the friends, the money, the parties. How can I do this you ask? Easy. Just follow my system and YOU CAN'T FAIL!!! You can find my guaranteed system "How To Be A Journalist in 30 Days or Less" at http://www.mikejasper.com/ Mike Jasper Happy muckraking!

Hi, Well I wrote about Easter and Jesus (pronounced Hey Zeus) this week. Am I on a roll or what? So far... no injuries. Try http://mikejasper.com If you're keeping score, I moved my counter to the bottom of the Archives (More Columns) page. What else. Only got one hate mail last week. Amazing. That's all, Mike Jasper

Hey -- We had elections over the weekend in Austin, so it jarred my political memory. Hope this column isn't too homer. Everyone should click on the Link of the Day to the Mayor's home page, just so we can confuse them. "What's with these clickthroughs from mikejasper.com?" http://mikejasper.com/ Later, Mike Jasper

Hi -- I know, I'm late. I hate that. It's not fair to those on the East Coast. What can I say? I used to have it all together. Then it got wet and fell apart. This week's column is a catchall. You'll see. http://mikejasper.com/ I'll get better, I swear. Mike Jasper

Hi - Column's out at http://mikejasper.com/ IF YOU WANT TO HEAR ONE OF MY SONGS, READ ON __________________________________ Many of you have asked me about the music I do. Well, here's your chance to find out. You can hear me in either RealPlayer or MP3 version at http://www.mp3.com/mikejasper. I also posted it as a link of the day, but since you're on my list you get the inside scoop. Wow! If you don't know about mp3 or realplayer, the mp3.com site will tell you everything you need to know -- how to download music files, how to get a free application to play them on, etc. It's all free, you know. If you really want to hear how I sound, download the MP3. The sound quality is great. If you're just mildly curious, try the instant play. It's quicker, but the sound quality sucks. There. I've done it. And you can thank Tim from New Zealand for nagging me on almost a weekly basis. By the way, I've got two songs posted there. I recommend Ten Years From Now, if you only have time to hear one. Enough said. Back to the column. It's about names. All names. Except Dick and Peter. Mike Jasper

Greetings and salutations -- My brother got married so I wrote about it. Actually, it's a two-parter. Maybe a three-parter. We'll see. Grisly. You can find it at http://mikejasper.com/ Hope it's not too family-oriented. Mike Jasper

Hi -- This week's column is a continuation of last week's column called "Bacehlor parties suck. " It's a little more brutal. Also, I got chosen for Fierce.com's pick of the day. Groovy, baby. http://mikejasper.com/ Talk to you soon, Mike Jasper

Bachelor partys suck? If they're like the bachelorette meetings on 'Sex in the City' they could be fun. But guys don't talk about stuff like that as much, do they?

how should I know?

your secret life is showing again, Stace...

which one??

if I was any more specific, it wouldn't be secret anymore, would it?

if you know, it's not very secret anyway...

so you're saying we're not close?

I'm saying it wouldn't matter HOW close we were... if someone else knows... it's not a secret!

secrets are only known by one person? THAT does explain some of my difficulties...

...not that it was a secret!

yeah... secrets... one person privileged information... a couple people... little known fact... a select group of people common knowledge... well... common

how'd ya like my backpeddling?

Hey, I wanna be common people! Don't tell me no little known facts, etc.! Don't privilege me! Keep me ignorant & blissful! Oh. Sorry. You weren't talking to me? (Nice pedals, tho!)

Hi -- I know, I'm late. It's all about Soccer, the All-American sport. Right. http://mikejasper.com/ Have a good weekend, Mike Jasper

Hi -- This week I write about Title 9 and tell you what's really behind the push in women's sports. http://mikejasper.com It's a fine thing. Mike Jasper

I put up my Brandi Chastain poster on the bulletin board. US Womens soccer rocks and they're all awesome! Looks like Kim Sobrero is coming to Austin at a UT soccer coach.

Hi -- I'm so evil. The Kennedys won't like this column. But at least I'm on time. http://mikejasper.com/ Cheers, Mike Jasper

Well, he's found the cure for the "kennedy curse" anyway. I won't give it away.

'Sup -- This week's column is kind of a catch-all of current events. But it starts out with my animosity for AOL. http://mikejasper.com/ As Miguel would say... Cheers, Mike Jasper

Hey --- I'm late. This week's column is about wrestlers and serial killers. Which makes me a lot like A&E. You can find it at http://mikejasper.com/ Have a good weekend, Mike Jasper

and I got this email from Mike today... Wer -- Haven't been to PlanetClick for awhile, so I was surprised to see your kind review of my site. Thanks. I went to yours and thought, wait a minute... this looks familiar. Then I saw the quote from Gregory Kallenberg and realized I had been there before. Cool concept. (BTW, whatever happened to Kallenberg? I miss his column.) Here's a site you might like. It's a graphic artist in Austin who makes a cartoon called Crikey Kid Snoop using Flash technology. Moving animation and sound. Amazing stuff. I found him when he was listed as one of Kallenberg's Golden Pebbles. http://www.crikeykidsnoop.com/ Anyway, thanks again for the review. Jasper Mike Jasper's ConstantCommentary� http://www.mikejasper.com/

Kallenberg's been kicked upstairs at the Snakeksin. He's in charge of some new high tech section they're going to launch. So he's not trekking though India like we thought.

This is so strange. I had no idea.

some of us still don't...and thanks for posting, Mike! Welcome!

I just spent an interesting hour or so reading Mike Jasper's archived columns. Now I am knowledgable on stuff I can never use in polite conversation at a dinner party - unless it gets really ugly and boring. Then I'm gonna quote him and let everybody know what I learned this afternoon in Hawaii. That should awaken some of the stuffy Academics! Hey, they might even use his material in their courses. World fame and acclaimation await - and all because Mike Jasper came to The Spring and actually posted a comment. Welcome...and Aloha!

There you go, Mike, a world class endorsement!!!

Say hey -- This week's column focuses on mammarian mastication. Maybe. Really, I'm not sure. But maybe. Still, it's worth a read if you're goofing off from work. http://mikejasper.com/ Ciao, Mike Jasper Extra credit: If you've got the time, go to http://www.humorlinks.com/ and rate my column. (Hint: give it a ten.) I'm sick and tired of being rated behind "Fart jokes of the Web" or some such site. Thanks.

this one applies to the restaurant industry as well, more or less... and be sure to read about Kansas not teaching evolution...

Boy, wer, you're quick. Yeah, I guess this is a food-oriented column. Aloha, Marcia!

Sorry, Mike...but now I know you'll be back so I'll turn the announcements over to you!

Hi Mike, where's the food?

*smile* it's at http://mikejasper.com/

hey you guys! Alexander... I think WER's doing it again... masquarading... as Mike Jasper! But since you and WER are really the same person I suppose I should take this up with you! (good to 'see' you two...) And apologies to JASPER... disregard the idle blabber as exactly that if you will... *grin*

Got a new column out, guys. It's about the evil, dreaded telemarketers. Who doesn't hate them, right? You can find it at the usual place, http://mikejasper.com/ Wer Pretending to be Mike Jasper again.

Aloha Mike (aka Wer)...that was good stuff (taking copious notes for the next call), but you out did yourself on the Hang up rudely suggestion. I did that, and the lady was so indignant, she phoned back and got my SO. She chewed his ear off about wanting to teach me to be more polite (when she can't understand anything about the word "NO!"?) Of course, he hung up on her too. Is some sort of a sadistic streak also necessary for this job, too? (Sorry, but it would be a major expense to call your number fr m Hawaii - I'll have to take your word on it...*sigh*)

Mike Jasper's column out. It's called "Why the right don't write." You can find, as usual, at http://www.mikejaper.com Aloha

Mike Jasper's column out. It's called "Why the right don't write." You can find it, as usual, at http://www.mikejaper.com Aloha

Shit! I wrote my URL wrong and posted twice. I'm nuts. Here's the right one: http://www.mikejasper.com

ahhh... another mere mortal brought down by sticky keys and brain farts!

How reassuring that the truly gifted are afflicted by the same things as the rest of us. Cheer up Mike, it just takes a lot of caffeine and a good pair of glasses and (heaven forbid) proof-reading before you hit the submit button. However, I have done all three, and it still is befouled by cuber-gremlins who reassemble your posts as they come from various satellites into misspelled words and jumbled syntax. Not your fault!!! Happy weekend! Aloha *smile*

This week's column is called "Number 9, number 9, number 9." It's about how we all died during the 9/9/99 computer bug. And last week's column, which I forgot to post, was called "Don't call me stewardess." It's about how well-educated, gorgeous women with the confidence of corportate CEOs have been replaced with chubby boys called flight attendants. http://mikejasper.com On an unrelated note, I'm now writing for the Austin Chronicle. You can read my cumbersome articles about Austin politics at http://www.auschron.com and hit the Politics link. This week's story is called "Making Waves" and chronicles cellular tower construction and the people who love/hate it.

Marcia -- How is it that a woman from Hawaii comes to visit a chat room about an obscure writer from Austin, Texas? I realize I may not want to hear the answer (just slumming), but I am curious.

This chat room reminds me of one of those out-of-the-way saloons, where you peek your head in only to find one person at the bar and the bartender on break. But I'll drink here.

There are lots of those cellular towers around Austin, there's even one dwarfing the once splendorous Garfield tower. A lonely icon of the East Austin landscape no more. And we got through 9/9/99 alive! Pinch yourself to make sure. We're not some wild and wooly chatroom, we're and edgy and cool community with confernces (wink, wink).

Aloha Mike! Indeed we are Conferences, as Terry has said, and if you want to see what I am really doing here check out my conference http://www.spring.net/yapp-bin/restricted/browse/geo/all/ The vulcanism topic should be interesting. Good gra[hics in there, too. Keepung it as informative as possible with self-updating weather maps in Geo 14. As for the "Obscure writer from Texas," one evening I was forwarded a letter from you to a gentleman from here who had contacted you. I was so impressed that I not only read your column for that week, but went into your archives, and you are now a bookmark folder in Netscape for me. As is that guy who underwent some rather unusual reversing surgery and noted the progress in intimate photos. Who says the Internet is not educational?! It is good to see you here! Terry, would you agree we have the most diverse and intelligent membership anywhere in a vc? I am sure it is so - otherwise I would not have wasted my time here...it has always been a home for me and all the members, friends.

When I compared this chatroom (conference) to an empty bar, I didn't mean The Spring, I meant the "Mike Jasper's column out..." conference. It's just strange to have a chat room (conference) with my name on it. Marcia � Guess I must have written a nice letter once in my life. I just posted "Ass Oscar," which is an advice column written by a man with a tenuous grasp on the English language. Some people love it, some hate it. I think it's just a joke. I've seen everyone from Steve Martin to Billy Crystal do the foreign accent thing, and I've seen many satirical advice columns. But I've never seen an advice column written by a character with a foreign accent, so I went for it. Thing is: I shouldn't be getting all the hate mail I'm getting for it. I also shouldn't be getting all the praise I'm getting for it (it's running 50-50, with another 10 percent who believe Oscar is a real person). It's just one simple joke. Anyway, you can see Oscar at http://www.mikejasper.com/ or http://www.mikejasper.com/oscar.htm (if you're late). Here's some good news: just registered http://www.constantcommentary.com, so maybe we don't have to see my damn name as often.

You beat the tea company to the name! Good name! And very descriptive of what you do, what's the content going to be, the same as on the old site? Or are they going to be separate?

So, Mike...you came to see my conference. Thanks for that. Did it really leave you speechless? That bad...or that boring?! I am happy you took the time to check it out. Mahalo! (off to read his latest)

Got another column out. It's about golf. Sort of. The name http://www.constantcommentary.com leads to my usual site, I just wanted to nail down the name. And yes, Marcia, your weather conference is quite impressive. Great Graphics!

Thanks for visiting, Mike. More good stuff in there now - plus a new one where you can tell me what you want to see...and what you think I should be doing (constructively, of course!) Nice to see a new column from you - I shall be reading it directly. Aloha!

So Mike pilfered Wilt Chamberlain's phone number from his bosses rolodex, and the incredible events that ensued, this is one of Jasper's best works. Good going Mike.

Paul Terry -- Thanks for the props on my Wilt Chamberlain column. All true, although I probably exaggerated the LAPD officer a bit. Yes, he conducted an illegal search, but I doubt I got his quotes right. This week's column is on Matthew McConaughey's arrest for nude bongo playing. Definitely worth a look if you're an Austinite. At least give me credit for spelling McConaughey's name right. http://www.constantcommentary.com

Or a wannabe Austinite... Thanks Mike! Aloha *hugs*

Well, Mike, I just finished reading your essay on the pleasures of living in the uncontrolled police State of Texas. Terry and I went on for some postings when this first happened. Unbelievable! What's next? No nude singing in the shower? We are all to wear our speedos and thongs into the tiled privacy of that chamber just in case someone does not care for our selections?! My sympathies...! (Hawaii is always an option...)

Helluva good column Mike, and I couldn't agree more, leave our priceless, bongo playing nude national movie star treasure the fuck alone you Austin zealot cops!

Pulled up the URL but the column topic has long since changed. Thanks for sharing a piece of Ray with us Mike... and thanks for stirring some emotion... sounds like Ray DID have a good life... one with such vices can't be all bad... ... and warm thoughts to those who were close to him...

for the McConaughey column, click on the more columns link at the bottom before the adds...it'll be the first one listed...

precisely, it is at http://www.mikejasper.com/constantcommentary/column76.htm

And our bongo playing, nude movie star got off with a $50 fine (he didn't even deserve that). Case closed. Unless they decide to bust in on Sandra Bullock's New Years Eve party (a bongo conspiracy?).

Have we been deserted by Mike Jasper or was he not Y2K -proof? Auwe!

Or is it my turn to take over this site?!