OH! Won't mess with you then . . .

Mike... hope the new day brings greater perspective.

i'm back again. trying to sleep before i was really tired was a bad move. leaving myself alone with my brain is a dangerous move at the moment. i'm gonna go back a few steps and talk about what's on my mind at the moment, rather than the whole situation itself. i have this problem, yes, with females. women. girls. i'm not a good prospect for hosting the Babes conference, I don't think :) I am hopelessly attracted to them; no problem there. unfortunately, when i get involved with anyone, i'm doomed to screw it up through my own ineptitude, and then to beat myself up over it for like...*ages* afterwards. months and months. years. other peop e don't generally get like this. hell, the other halves of the various relationships damn well don't, whether they ended it or I did. i guess this is all tied up in the bigger picture, and unless I get that sorted out I'm...screwed? notscrewed? :) as you can tell, i'm in a better state of mind than friday, but not by much. i'm lonely here. i'm left alone with my mind, and nowhere to go. it's not nice when the most fundamental part of you is playing nasty tricks, and dragging up stuff that should be long forgotten.

not to minimize your problem, but, shoot, even us gals have probs with our own selves! so why do you think you screw up? can't always be you, the odds of that are pretty much nil. remember, it takes two for a relationship. sounds to me like you were there but they weren't. maybe the problem lies in what you want and what they want.

yeah. i'm not even sure if this is a problem; rather i think it's a symptom of my state of mind at the moment. but i'm fairly sure i shouldn't still pine after a particular person/relationship after more than three years. particularly when the relationship itself lasted only two months.

you still have feelings and yearnings. nothing wrong with that. everyone takes their own time to sort through things. you're doing that "supposed to" thing. i wonder about people i used to know. i still pine after my best friend, JC. i miss him terribly (tho we were never lovers), but i can still feel him hugging me....

I still sometimes miss the last guy I didn't have a proper relationship with before I met Chris; It was a friendship in which we did it once sort of accidently, though we both knew our goals in life were too different for it to work. It was wonderful, and we are still very good friends - saw him only four weeks ago (he is a black Namibian artist, a wonderful artist) - so it isn't as if there was ever even a break, and he and Chris are very good friends too. But I do sometimes wonder what it would have been like had I stayed with him, what kind of a life we might be leading now if we did stay together, because those were crazy, and very happy days with him. I also know that if I had stayed with him, and met Chris in the meantime, I would be wondering about what it would've been like with Chris. Human nature thing, I think.

i'm wondering what it might be like to be with anyone, I think ;-)

with just anyone? i used to wonder what it would be like with someone else... but then i look at mr wolf and see how good he is to me (aside from his annoying faults-but we all have them) and i probably wouldn't be as lucky!

well, anyone within vague reason, I guess. The thing with me, which I realised today, is that I totally discard (that's an awful word, actually) people who don't come up to scratch in every, or nearly every, department (hehe...this sounds so cynical :) then, when i find somebody who does, I go totally overboard, because there aren't that many of them. why don't i listen to my friends? I've already been told that I'm too picky when it comes to women, but I just ignored them :) Oh well. They've just gotta be special to even get looked at ;) However, I went into town today, and was feeling particularly beautiful. Feels good to feel beautiful :))

yes it does. funny how you know when you're "on"! nothing wrong with being picky, at least you know you won't settle! and you shouldn't. look for what you want and when it's right, it'll be really right!

(and i must say that for as ugly as i am, i too, have those beautiful days and other people pick up on it and are drawn to you. it's funny, huh?)

(that sounded like i'm fishing for compliments-i'm not, let me assure you)

wolf, you're not ugly. i can promise you that. i realised something today, and then remembered that someone else had already coined it - "beauty is more than skin deep" :) when i realised it today, it seemed so profound, so true. and i think that's because it is. it doesn't matter to me whether the people here have the standard one head, or three heads, because it's more than faces here. it's who we are, stripped of the prejudices of race/face/colour/age. it's words. thoughts. us.

this is true, that's why i love talking to people here because you have to pay attention to learn who they are. i wonder if posting our faces will change that. (and yes, true beauty is beyond skin and is ageless)..on the other hand, some people lie about who they are because of the anoniminity (boy, i hope that's spelled right!) and you're too kind *blush*

anonymity i think it is :) would posting our faces make it different? i think that our little group - you, stacey, autumn, riette, terry, nick, wer and me know each other well, and feel "close" enough to make faces merely interesting, rather than methods of judgment. that's just my feeling.

I hope it won't make it different, but so far I don't feel any different knowing what you and Terry look like - it's just nice to have a picture to go with the idea of the people I talk to here. But if it should turn into a beauty contest, I'm out of here, because physical appearance is about the last thing I judge people by. My father is a very attractive man . . .

Well it ain't not beauty contest.

Good! So how have you been these past few days, Mike? I am well - doctor's decided my plaster can come off tomorrow - yahoo!!

that's great news, riette. how's the finger? as for me, i'm inspired. i bought a new book (one of four, none of which i could afford) last week: the biography of Richard Branson. Basically he got to where he is today by simply being the world's most confident man, and not accepting that there were things that were "impossible". I'm drawing off of this a little bit. there doesn't seem to be much point in sitting around and worrying about what happens if something goes wrong somewhere. just pick myself, dust myself down etc. i think the fear of ailure comes from thinking about things too much. perhaps my fear of the telephone comes from sitting down and thinking "right, i've got to speak to someone who i've never met before, now", when really I should just pick up the phone and dial. i am simply feeling much, much better. how long it will last, i don't know. i want this state of mind to become the status quo, because it's the most sensible state i've been in forever. it simply doesn't matter if the next woman i chat up completely blows me out (english expression...ummm "rejects" :). that doesn't matter, does it? it really doesn't. the only thing that matters is that i definitely lose if i don't chat her up! :) i'm sure you will all appreciate how much better i'm feeling =)) the other three books that i bought have helped in other ways, too. one of them pointed out to me that my relationship with Louise wasn't that great after all. the book was all about some guy who was feeling like he was stuck in a rut with his girlfriend, and that he was going to be stuck with someone he wasn't completely sure about for the rest of his life. and that struck a chord. that's where i was. it may have been nice, but it was not as wonderful as i have recently been creating in my head. i have the feeling that the world is rather at my feet. the only thing that holds me back from it is my own fear, which is based on...well, nothing really. i'm getting out there, and doing the business :)

that's all very positive, now let's see ya do it! (learn to laugh at yourself) now when i pick up the phone and get my tongue crossed, the person on the other end and i both have ourselves a good laugh! (in fact it happened just today!)

Mike, I'm so glad you're feeling so much better. And you SOUND so good too. I admire the way you admit to, face, and fight the things that make life difficult for you. Oh, the finger is thick and painful, but I'm over the moon over the prospect of getting rid of this stupid white thing.

Mike, I'm just coming in on the tail end of your angst-ridden week and am glad to hear your spirits have lifted a bit. I don't know if this would interest you or not, but there is an herb, St. John's Wort, which is a sort of organic anti-depressant. It won't make you forget your problems, but it may help brighten your outlook and help you feel the "up" way you're feeling now. I've heard so many positive things from my friends (several take it) that I feel comfortable suggesting that you check it out. ake care of yourself.

I've heard of that! It's slang name is 'Ecstacy', Mike! (no, just kidding!)

Thanks, Autumn, I'll try and find out about it :) WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! Guess what just happened??! Riette phoned me :)) There I am, bleary-eyed having been awake about ten minutes, and all of a sudden I hear this voice on the phone that I've never heard before, that asks for me. And then the voice turns out to be Riette! WOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!! The first Spring person I've spoken to anywhere but here or e-mail :-) It was fun, even if the telephone is still the most artificial form of conversation. But it was exciting, and the chocolate-swap is organised :-)))

ha-ha!!! Did it frighten you?

noooo, of course not :)

Good. Today I finished my still life. I hate finishing a painting, because I grow attached to working on some things. How silly.

nothing silly about that. i feel like that about books. very much like that, in fact. perhaps that's why I read them over and over. which in turn is probably why i have so few books :)

Ha-ha!!! Yes, I do that too. I have 5 books piled up on my beside table, and every night I just choose one, and read a few pages from it. Some people call that narrow minded, but why plough through 300 pages of crap when you can just read something that you know is good?!

lol :))

The telephone is the most artificial form of conversation?? I think a phone call from Riette would be anything but artificial! I will sit by mine and wait for it to ring... Riette, beginnings and endings are emotional, aren't they. What is your bedside reading? So what's up with the chocolate swap?

WELL, the chocolate swap has indeed been arranged, and will take place as soon as I can track down 100g of champaigne truffles this time of year in Z�rich. And the bedside books are: Jane Eyre Wuthering Heights The name of the Rose The picture of Dorian Gray Volume of 4 stories (including Indecent Exposure) by Tom Sharpe Love Hate Suspense Horror Comedy all right beside me!

It's back again. I'm back again. I thought this was over. It isn't. : PJ reckons your ex is even more top class now, Mike : yeah? cool. i don't even have a reason for feeling like this at the moment. what the hell do i feel like? i don't know. like something has been taken away from me. or out of me, somehow. like i'm not everything i could/should be. dissatisfied with myself. afraid. as usual. i am planning on sending a letter, or rather, delivering by hand a letter cos i've lost the address, to a very old, much-idolised girlfriend. who is "even more top class now, Mike". is that a good idea? i'm not sure if it is or isn't. i suppose one could argue that it would "only be dragging up the past" or something like that. but how much more can the past be dragged up? not much, i promise. maybe somehow i will be able to lay a few things to rest, finally, if i do get in touch with her. i think perhaps part of what i'm feeling now is fear of going back. it's a best-mate's 21st birthday next weekend, and i've been invited up for the beach party. going back. that's what i'm afraid of. the whole place is full of memories of pain and very little else. even the good memories are pricked with bad ones. the last time i went back, just before christmas, was terrible. all of my worst ever experiences locked up in one small room. a legacy from where i used to be. my room at home is almost xactly the same as when i left it, two years ago. it's like going back and discovering a past life. pieces of paper that are five years old, with all of the memories that that entails. are depression and nostalgia the same thing? i really thought i was through this.

"are depression and nostalgia the same thing?" only if you let them be...they aren't of and by themselves...

i'm on a bit more of an even keel today, which is good. i went up to London, and was surrounded by beautiful people all day (see the Babes conf for more :). and i looked beautiful too, which was good. i think i would like to live in London. it's such a massively vibrant place. 8 million people. that's more people than i can even conceive. each and every *single* one of them different, completely unique. I was a bit wowed today :) Imagine lining up those eight million people, 8 lines deep, a million people long. surely there would be more than one person who would find me attractive there? of course. that puts things back into perspective again :) today was a great day. i went to a recruitment agency, and scored 108 words per minute with a broken finger. The girl said "I don't think i've ever met anyone who can type that fast before" :-) They also pay �8.50 an hour, which is about (burble, tinkle...) US$13 or so an hour, I think, which is excellent for my line of work. I'd be happy with �5 ($7.50) an hour. I haven't got a definite job with them yet, but they seemed confident of getting me something. that would be lovely. a slightly toned-down version of Claudia Schiffer was on the underground today, and i nearly fell over myself. incredible. she must have been about six feet tall or so - definitely a couple of inches taller than me. blonde. willowy. i've decided that part of what heaven will be like is that everybody will be tall. or there will be a place where you can go where everybody is tall. and beautiful. and you'll become as beautiful as the beautiful people when you walk through the door, and then become yourself again, perfect and unique, when you leave. triffic.

�snort�

Here, have a hanky.

Wasn't that kind of a snort.

Or: Wasn't that kind of a sno(r)t!

I was a good girl today. I'm finally over that foolish 'blue' feeling that always comes over me after completing a painting, and I sat down, and designed the next. And this is going to be great fun. I've designed a huge African city, full of cars and people, and animals and buildings and hot air balloons. This design I am going to realize with bits of coloured tin (from soda cans), and plain tin for windows and reflections - an African painting in tin-mosa�k. It'll be hilarious, I'm sure! Also quite unexpectedly sold a painting today. Spending money for England, that is...

Great, what was the painting you sold like and who bought it? Not specifically who, just generally, what kind of person?

Well, the person is a doctor - she bought a painting of a night jungle at my last exhibition to hang in her practise. She phoned me to ask whether I still had the painting that belonged with it - a daylight jungle. Both are 3-D, and full of african motives and leering eyes, and checked or polka-dotted or paterned animals. And the night jungle has little fireflies. Anyway, I was going to sell the day jungle to a guy running a computer store, but he has in the meantime decided on another painting of AFr can masks, so I was able to do the deal with the doctor. Thank God - it is a skimpy life this. Can't say that it bothers me though. Makes you appreciate things more. We are in the philosophy conference, aren't we? Otherwise I'd apologize for boring you with philosophical talk.

What's that famous painting of a jungle that you always see? With all the animals in a jungle setting?

No idea which one you mean, Terry. There are SO many jungle paintings around - especially in African art culture - that I can't think of one in particular. Have you any more precise ideas about it? You can always post a rough sketch in art.

the mosaic sounds incredible, Riette...

Thanks, Wer. Let's hope I manage it without cutting another few fingers off - I'm so clumsy. And let's hope I'll find different colours of tins - in this country that is not something to be taken for granted.

It was actually called "The Jungle". We studied it in art class in college. I think it was Rousseau.

Congratulations, Riette!!!!

It was the Dream (discussed in art).

Yes, I do know it, and responded. How was your day, Terry?

So far, pretty good. Went for a swim and now off to ham radio operators breakfast and then over to buy some coax at the candy store. It's early and it's *Saturday*. Yay!

What is coax? Chocolate?

The candy store is our local ham radio outlet and coax is wire, specifically antenna wire. In this case RG8x which is currently attached to an 18' antenna setting on two lawn chairs in my backyard.

And they all tan together in the sun?

No, they're in a shady spot. It's destined for a sunny rooftop though. As soon as I pick up a ladder and a 65' telescoping mast.

Does this guy know how to have summer fun or what?

I dread to think what his house must look like; probably a bit like Inspector Gadget's abode.

Dread? Dread? Dread?

�BIG SMILE� I'm really annoying you today, aren't I???

You just haven't seen my digs. I'll have to videotape a tour for you, baby. So you can see it's not all that bad. Now the garage, different story...

Yes, convince me! Anyway, I might see for myself next year . . .

I'm back again, but only for a few hours. Back in Brighton. Back in Spring-world. Back home. I thought I might just go mad without all of you to write to and bleat at and stuff. so i have written, while I've been away, in my diary. Otherwise I might well have gone mad. I'm afraid that a lot of it will be less decipherable than usual (oh no!), but I tend not explain myself in my diary. but here they are.

25 July 1998 Well, that's it. I'm on my way to King's Lynn. And I'm probably - hopefully? - going to deliver a letter to Sarah Davis. That is scary. I put a CV into the computer at work, yesterday, and it was from someone who went to the same school that Sarah did. That brought a lot of old memories back, nearly all - if not competely all - of them good. I'm a little afraid, but also excited. ithink perhaps I@m doing this for better reasons, now. Or I'm doing it for the same reasons as before, but without all of he other, negative reasons that I was attaching while I was...unwell?? That makes it sound as if I was mentally ill! Perhaps i was, in a very, very mild way. So it's with excitement, and not some small trepidation, that I head toward home. I have to decide what I'm going to write in this letter to her, preferably on this journey. I'm going to make it very light-hearted, perhaps mentioning the CV thing to her - just mention the coincidence, or something. I'm quite excited at the prospect, really. I don't have very much to lose, and perhaps have a friend to regain. If nothing else, perhaps it will bury some skeletons. It will be weird to be in Coningsby [where Sarah lives] again, really weird. I spent several months there with Emma, too. And also with Sarah, but probably only a few hours with her! Special hours, though. formative ones. But let's not get into that, because it's important to start laying the past to rest and concentrating on the future of everything! I'm glad I have a job, now. Not just from the financial point of view, but that it keeps me busy, and away from my mind. Too much time to think is bad for my mental health. Well, that's it. Wish me luck!

26 July 1998, 1:22 a.m. I am writing this on paper, in my diary, but it's as if your'e all here, at least in part. I will post this as soon as I get a chance! It will probably be a week from now. I am sat in my room, at my Mum's house, and with me I have a small collections of letters, cards and a photo. these are all from a girl called Sarah Davis, who I had a short fling with about three and a bit years ago. Part of the reason for me coming up here was for me to delvier a letter to her, to try and get back in touch. The last time I ever had any contact her was February 1995. It is difficult for me to describe what it's like to still feel something for her after all this time. All these months and years have turned it into some kind of dream - something that only ever happened in my head. But now here I am, with a photo, and paper covered in her handwriting. And it's not completely painful. It's almost mystical, magical even. This happened. This was, and is, PART OF ME. WOW!! How about a real-time feeling description: it's intense. My head is swimming, almost . I can feel something like tears in my eyes, but not tears of sadness or anger, nor even joy and happiness. Nor ruefulness. Just emotion I think. I think perhaps I don't know what to feel! It's incredible, it really is. I wish so much that you were all here. that we could get beyond the barriers of just words on the screen. YOu've watched me, in the last few weeks, come through a really traumatic time. Even though I don't yet know all of you as well as I would like to, I think that all of you who have been here now know me probably as well as anyone on the eart. Better, even. I think you've seen the real me, on more than one occassion. Stripped of bravado, or posturing, or intellect of any kind. I have sat here an cried whilst connected. YOu've watched me come, genuinely, to the point where I didn't think I could carry on. You know things that even my mother doesn't! And here I am now. I'm going to read the letters, which I haven't done yet. And I will perhaps write some of them in here. Heh. Talk about nervous. I@m truly scared. It's like having Pandora's Box in front of me! It's not 1:44 a.m. and I'm going to read one of the letters. Done. I have a smile. do you know what I feel now? I feel like I miss you all crazily. I think i'd like to pile on to the two couches in philosophy with you all, and just have you there. Here. whatever! How can words on a screen form real bonds? I'm amazed how "amputated" I feel away from you all. Heee...I can imagine you all playing without me! You'd better miss me...*grin* I think I am going to leave, now, and write this letter to Sarah, so that I can hopefully deliver it tomorrow. Bye for now...

above, "not 1:44 a.m. = now 1:44 a.m." :-)

Monday 27 July, 1998. 1:30 p.m. Well, yesterday I did a crazy thing. I wrote a letter4 to Sarah Davis, and then hitched a lift from my friend Phil to go and deliver it. Mad. It was a nice letter - a good letter, I though; positive, up-beat, happy. NO mention of the past other than to establish who I was. I liked it. We drove to Coningsby, which was a trip down memory lane itself! We went past Emma's house, but didn't see her. NOt that I expected to, of course. then we got into the town centre, and I proceeded to fail to find her house. Shit, fuck, damn. I tried everything I could think of, but just couldn't locate her. I thought I knew where her house was, but I obviously didn't. It's difficult to describe what I feel, now. disappointment, I think. I've been building up to this for so long! It's ages since I decided I might try and get in touch with her again. Years. Yet I failed on this first attempt. However, I have some more tricks up my sleeve. I shall go to Boston College and try and either get her address, or ask them to forward a letter. If that doesn't work, I'll go to Gartree School, and ask there. Heck, I@ll put an advert in the local Coningsby newspaper f it comes to it! There are also other avenues to try - mutual friends etc. But it's left me feeling weird. There's a sense of having dragged up the past in a big way. But really it was up here all the time, waiting to be played with. I am disappointed, though. I read some more of her letters to me last night. "Only such an amazingly wonderful person could leave me with such an amazingly wonderful feeling!" Ah, well. That's over and done with. However, I'm sure with my new wardrobe and haircut I could probably be amazingly wonderful again. But I'm not going to entertain that idea.

With all these typing errors you would think that I made my living typing, would you? :)

28 July, 11.59 p.m. Back home, in bed. I had a terrible day today, really. Especially this afternoon. Well, no terrible - certainly not by what I would normally call terrible. But difficult, I guess. Uncomfortable? I spent a lot fo the time with Srah on my mind. I kept having that quote from yesterday going around in my head. "...amazingly wonderful feeling". I had another idea for how to find her address this afternoon. I remember writing it down on a piece of paper here at Dad's, and thought that maybe that wa still around. As soon as I thought that, it was a kind of insanity - it might *work*, I'm so *blown away* by this idea! ROAR! You know the kind of thing.. I'm a little worried about my balance. I'm ot doing balanced things, I'm not taking a balanced approach. I'm hanging something, whatever it is, on the hope of getting in touch with Sarah. I@m not sure whether this is even rational behaviour. I think that in fact is a difficult appreciation to make, but I don't think I'm in the area of being *irrational* yet. I@m not totally off my rocker and out there, but I@m definitely not sitting 100% *on* my rocker :) And then something incredible happened to me this evening. I was thinking phone numbers, and one just popped into my head, just like that. 01526 343135. I@m sure that's the phone number of *someone* I now in Coningsby, but now the more I think about it, the more it sounds like Emma's. Damn. However, I've come up with a way of checking that. I@ll phone Mum and ask her to look in her address book to see if Emma's number is in there. And, thinking about it, there's a long shot chance that Sarah's numb r might be in there. And it's all of this that worries me. the application of cold logic and frantic news ideas to some kind of frenzy to find her. In movies that's always the sign of the fundamentally unstable villain, who is able to use cold, calculating brain power one moment, and then just go off the deep end the next. I feel like I should stop, but I@m not sure I can. So I have some new ideas. And I will probably find her, in the end. On the way, I may well have to overcome some of my deepest fears and insecurities to achieve waht I want. Whic is what this could be about. It *could* be God getting me to face up to some very, very real fears, that reduce my cpacity to be successful. So I@m just going to go with it. Unless God really seem to be saying NO, then I'll carry on. i can't end up much worse than I am.

29 July. 1:20 p.m. I'm sat on a busy street in Bloomsbury, London, drinking a black coffee and eating a chocolate cake. And of course, writing this. there's something vaguely ridiculous about donig all of this while dressed in a suit, but there we go. I would probably look more authentic in my black rollneck, smoking from a cigarette holder! I'm not sure I like being on parade like this, but there we go. I wonder if I look daft. Lunching office worker with no friends to have lunch with? Or, maybe, eccentric poet in t e bondage of a city job, struggling to escape?! Ah, the lives I could create for myself. Thoughts of Sarah have been few this morning. Rather, I've been thinking about the first year at my sixth form college as a whole, and what a wonderfully high time it was! It's difficult to describe. There was something pure about it - I keep thinking the words "raw", "unadulterated", "without limits". Just something. And I don't think it's purely a retrospective creation, either, since I remember feeling this way at the time. what was it about that year? That year in particular, that I've never re lly come close to again. It's probably much to do with the removing of all the constraints that had held me back at school. I had the chance to re-invent myself, which I promptly did. Maybe that really was it. I could approach new situations with a clean slate, not reacting to them the way I would have previously, but in the way that the "new me" decided to. There was a real sense of liberation. perhaps that's what I need to do now. Maybe I'm fed up with being the person that I am, and it's re-invention time. But that's not easy, since I'm essentially happy with my "persona" as it stands; it's just the bit inside of me that needs some work. I would love to recapture that first "boston feeling". LOOK AT THAT! The new me went to a flower shop, bought a rose and presented it to the college's best looking woman by a long way. And by George, it worked! Me! and Sarah! ha! how envious they were! And I need to recapture some of that "free spirit", which sounds cheesy, but is essentially the point. Unafraid to fail. What the hell was it that I had? Moreover, where on earth did it go? That's one fo the more pertinent questions I've asked for ages. Definitely the one most worth answering.

Have you tried doing an "infospace" search for Sarah, Mike? And for $25 there's a company that will find anyone, I think they advertise on Infospace's page. What an odyssey of remembrance you're on, with a dash of obsession to spice it up, I wish you luck in re-uniting with her and thank you for sharing these most intimate moments with you. What is the situation with Emma? And any more clues on finding Sarah? Are you sure she's still in that little down? Have you seen the movie Dancer Texas yet, it may have some relevance for you or you might enjoy it.

I hope you find her, Mike. But in a way I find it a shame that you dwell on the past so incredibly, heartrendingly much. Makes me wish I could go to wherever she is, take her by the hair and drag her to wherever you are.

that's a beautiful image Ree-head!! *smile* I often look up people from my past... I understand the dissappointment associated with writing down thoughts and anticipating rekindled communication and then hitting a barrier such as the one you hit Mike... good luck!

I used to look up people alot too, but I was almost almost dissappointed upon meeting with someone from the past again - not good old friends, because with them things will always remain the same - but the few boyfriends I had. It was like they expected the feeling to be the same as before, but how could that be? A few years and a big distance don't leave anything unchanged. I think if people can meet people from their past without longing for the person they once were, and trying to be the person the ther once knew, it would be a beautiful thing. Taking the time to get to know the changed person. Few people are willing to do that. My old boyfriends always seem dissappointed that I'm neither seventeen nor a free soul anymore - as if marriage and children means a person gives up his/her soul, and as if indeed I ever POSSESSED a soul at all! And I'm always dissappointed for dissappointing them. So I don't bother anymore. All I know is that the relationship that lasted was the one started from scratc .

I sit here. Night time. Quiet. I have been living up on Mt. Tamalpais in Mill Valley this August. Rented out a forest cottage for the month. Just to get away -- yet come down occasionally for some work and business. Five weeks. Seems like enternity.

That sounds heavenly to me. But you've been away much much longer than five weeks, haven't you? Are you going to come to the other conferences too? We've all been very active while you were at your cottage. Whatever, it's GREAT to have you back.

americ!!! glad you are back!

Bear-thing, how are the wedding plans coming on? Have you got the permission yet?

oh no, still working on the anullment, but some wedding plans have been made, such as location for reception, caterer, etc. Hopefully soon!

I've had many wonderful trips on Mt. Tam, literally. We occasionally had gatherings there during the Monday Night Class days. Have you been to Green Gulch Farm, Americ?

where are these places and why haven't i heard of them before?

Same here - haven't even DREAMT of them before. Ray, is a traditional wedding (with church and the do afterwards and all that) very expensive? Is your girlfriend's father paying?

yes, it can get expensive, but my gf and i are going to be paying for all of it, so it will not be a very big wedding, just immediate family and a few close friends. i am of mexican descent and she is filipino. in both our cultures, the groom's father pays for the wedding! since my parents paid for my first wedding we figured it would not be fair for them to have to pay for my second one!

ha-ha! In Africa it's the same thing. With us the man even has to ask the wife's father. Which my husband didn't do, of course. Where will you go on honeymoon?

probably Maui, in Hawaii. we also may go to Singapore and Hong Kong. Still deciding!!

Wow!!! I've never been to any of those places, so when you come back you must post some photos, will you?

oh definitely! my finacee is a photographer so we should have plenty to post.

OK, all you married people out there (past and present), where did you go on your honeymoon? We went to Quebec, Canada.

uh, louisiana state fair (with my mother)

hey, i was three months pregnant, my mother came up to the wedding....so, we, like, had our honeymoon at least three months earlier :o

Galveston, TX

Pfleugerville, Idaho. I undressed before her that night, and her eyes were unrelenting in their disbelief as they looked directly at it for the first time. She started backing up toward the door, and while still gaping at me (in dread), she opened the door and backed out. I never saw her again. After four years on the couch with the best psychoanalyst in Syria, I went blind. Only a month later I was executed in Chile. It was chilly that day when they laid my body to rest at the feeling feet of my wif . Her toejams smelled so bad, I never could get my rest until all the dirt was in the hole that I finally lay peacefully at the bottom of. Sleep well tonight, my dear ones. I know I will, of course.

Swiss Engadine, four months pregnant. And even that was too far away - all types of transport made me feel like DYING, I was so sick. ha-ha - Sweet memory!

My two marriages. Louise. Big Sur, CA. Joy. The Coast of N Calif and Mt. Shasta.

Lucky you to have had two honeymoons!!

Maybe three someday. The next one has to be Europe. Gotta find that girl first, though.

europe? hell, *i'll* marry you!

been there, done that, and am taken (not that anyone was wondering)

That is exactly what I have been wondering all week! Which places did you visit? Germany to start with, I suspect?

Wer, I have heard of Galveston--what is there? Riette, I have never heard of Swiss Engadine. Where is it and what is there? Terry, I plan to explore all of North and Central CA someday and would love to go to the Cascade Mtns. someday. Maybe you could just go to europe and find someone there? :-)