Oh no, Autumn!!!! Poor Terry! European women are beautiful, but brainless and boring, with no opinion of their own!! Well, perhaps that's ENOUGH reason to take one! The Engadine is a mountain range here, not too far from St. Moritz - but not so high as the alps. Just high enough to breathe fresh air, and go for long long long walks from village to village, drinking hot chocolate and eating cakes.

hey, hey, hey! (i am european by design and i have a very decided opinions)

Galveston is on the Gulf coast, the wife grew up just north of there, we could afford it, so that's where we went...

God, how I know that feeling, Wer. With us it was: either we could go some place exotic and miss out on the African holiday the end of the NEXT year, or we could go to the Engadine for . . . four days . . . and call THAT our honeymoon. Well, neither of us were willing to give up Africa. But I think a honeymoon is totally romantic, WHEREVER one goes. I loved mine. HA-HA, WOLF!!!!!!

I'm back! I was back yesterday, but Netscape decided to eat my response before I had entered it :-( Not a good start. I'm going to type my response in Notepad, and then paste it in here - back in a few minutes....

good to "see" you again!!

hey mike! glad you're back!

So, I'm back. Except this feels a little weird because I'm typing in Notepad instead of the Reply box. No matter - I'll cope, I'm sure :) So, what's been going on with me? Well, I disappeared to go to work, as you know, and was very sorry to leave you all behind. Hopefully I won't have to suffer quite as long a soujorn in the future. Work was quite good - I like doing jobs where I *know* that I can do them well - and I met lots of nice people. It was strange: I fitted in. I don't fit in here at university. I didn't fit in at school. At work, I did. It was great to be know so many people. I also met somebody, um..., nice :) We met t a workmate's birthday party. My chat-up line was lots of dancing to groovy seventies music (which is totally my thing :), and then I followed up with "either i've got to leave now to get the train home, or I'm sleeping in your room tonight". I woke up the next morning in her room :) Her name is Michelle, and she's 27 and works in the Curriculum Innovations Department. She's particularly lovely because she's tall.....if we both take our shoes off, she's actually taller than me!!!! YES! She's also got blond highlights which look lovely. We went to the theatre, which was fun; then I got sick, so she bought me grapes which cheered me up no end. Then we went out to dinner and spent time in London together and all sorts of fun stuff. She cooked me dinner last weekend, wh ch was lovely lovely. And everything's going spiffingly. I've finally managed to do what (I think) wer suggested weeks and weeks ago: just Be. I've switched off the part of my brain that thinks too far ahead, that analyses too much, that tries to think of the consequences of every action. And it's great. I didn't think I would ever manage it, but I did. There's seven years between Michelle and I, but that doesn't seem to matter because it's not worth thinking about. I am happy. Hehe...my next posting will be fun, though. I went on holiday and, um...well, read on:-)

this is very good news!

So, I'm back. Except this feels a little weird because I'm typing in Notepad instead of the Reply box. No matter - I'll cope, I'm sure :) So, what's been going on with me? Well, I disappeared to go to work, as you know, and was very sorry to leave you all behind. Hopefully I won't have to suffer quite as long a soujorn in the future. Work was quite good - I like doing jobs where I *know* that I can do them well - and I met lots of nice people. It was strange: I fitted in. I don't fit in here at university. I didn't fit in at school. At work, I did. It was great to be know so many people. I also met somebody, um..., nice :) We met t a workmate's birthday party. My chat-up line was lots of dancing to groovy seventies music (which is totally my thing :), and then I followed up with "either i've got to leave now to get the train home, or I'm sleeping in your room tonight". I woke up the next morning in her room :) Her name is Michelle, and she's 27 and works in the Curriculum Innovations Department. She's particularly lovely because she's tall.....if we both take our shoes off, she's actually taller than me!!!! YES! She's also got blond highlights which look lovely. We went to the theatre, which was fun; then I got sick, so she bought me grapes which cheered me up no end. Then we went out to dinner and spent time in London together and all sorts of fun stuff. She cooked me dinner last weekend, wh ch was lovely lovely. And everything's going spiffingly. I've finally managed to do what (I think) wer suggested weeks and weeks ago: just Be. I've switched off the part of my brain that thinks too far ahead, that analyses too much, that tries to think of the consequences of every action. And it's great. I didn't think I would ever manage it, but I did. There's seven years between Michelle and I, but that doesn't seem to matter because it's not worth thinking about. I am happy. Hehe...my next posting will be fun, though. I went on holiday and, um...well, read on:-)

10 September, 1998 (0140 hours) I have a lot to say. Today I came as close to losing my life as I ever want to come. Certainly as close as I have ever been. Matt and I drove up to the North Coast of Lanzarote to get in the surf. We hired boards, got our suits on and waxed up. We walked over to the cove we had seen a couple of days before which was surrounded by rocks on both sides but had a long, calm run-out in the direction of the waves. As soon as I got in the water I realised that the waves were much bigger than I�d thought and basically all of my confidence disappeared. I paddled about a bit, riding over incoming waves. Then I decided to try and catch one. I obviously chose the wrong one because it was massive, really massive. As I got to the top I must have been seven or eight feet off the surface level, and when I started down the speed was phenomenal. I just grabbed the board and held on for dear life. I remember looking down nd seeing another surfer below me; as I hurtled down the wave I missed him, quite literally, but about four inches - he must have just seen me because he paddled out of my path just in time. It occurred to me about a second after this that I might hit someone else so I�d better get off the board. I feel off of the back just as the wave decided to collapse into white water - shit. I got tumbled and mashed really badly. It was actually the first time I�d been tumbled, and it was by a seriously powerful wave. I was carried at huge speed by this thing, mostly unable to breath apart from a few shallow gasps, for about fifteen or twenty seconds. Which is a long time when you�re underwater, try ng not to panic. I can�t really describe the fear to you. When the wave finally ran out, and I surfaced, I was pretty spooked. I had a bad feeling about the waves and my ability to surf them. But I thought I would stay in and catch another - if you fall off a horse you have to get straight back on, etc. I paddled around for quite a while, still spooked and obviously - although I didn�t realise it at the time - without any of the confidence I needed. I decided to try for another wave, and I got seriously tumbled again. After this I was seriously spooked and ealised that I had to get out. I started paddling toward the long run-out, all the time being chased by these huge waves. I was scared and starting to get tired. I didn�t seem to be getting anywhere, and all the while I was getting big waves crashing on me. Every time I saw one coming I would wait until the last second and then grab a breath and jump up, hoping to clear it. Some I did, others I didn�t. At some point I was mashed and got hit in the chest by one of the fins on the board. I was gettin closer and closer to the run-out and the waves were getting less powerful. This is good, I thought, just get out and have a long walk back around the shore to reach the car. Then, disaster. As I got closer to the safe area, rocks started appearing at my feet - I fell over on them and hurt myself a bit. Shit. There was no way I could go forwards, because I�d be smashed to pieces, along with the board, on the rocks in front of me. For some reason I decided that I would try and get onto the coastline over toward our car. Although this was, with hindsight, a bad decision, I realised that I had a choice - either risk the rocks or be marooned out in the surf, where I would definitely have drow ed. I started over toward the rocks, very scared. The waves kept coming in, and I kept trying to get over them, usually with success. I was already tired, though, and with the added effect of paddling and jumping waves I was getting seriously worn out. It took me about six to eight minutes of this to start approaching the rocks, although it seemed like much longer; it certainly cost me more in terms of energy. Then rocks started appearing under y feet again. I slipped and fell, with panic rising in me because the waves were still coming in. I managed to get slightly away from them before the next wave came in. Alternately stumbling and jumping, I realised that I was in serious trouble. There was no way I could get away from the rocks and find a better landing point - the waves were just too strong and I was just too worn out and weak; but, there was a good chance that one of these waves would pick me up on ts crest and throw me against the rocks, which would essentially kill me - either from the impact itself or from me losing consciousness and then drowning. I released that I could die. Not just that I could die, but that there was a very good chance that I would. I was staring death in the face, for the first time. I remember thinking about what was going to happen and there seemed a terrible finality about it - I didn�t have any sense of afterlife or anything peaceful, just a feeling of pure emptines and despair. I realised that I didn�t want to die, and more importantly, that I wasn�t supposed to die, not yet. All of these thoughts occurred in just a few seconds before I started trying to get on-shore. What happened next is a blur of alternately trying to get away from the rocks and over the waves and then trying to scramble up the rock face to get safe. I was getting utterly exhausted and my will to carry on was getting sapped. But something, right down inside me, just wouldn�t let go. I wasn�t conscious, I didn�t just �know� that I had to fight, I just did fight. I fought the panic and the waves a d the rocks. And then I got dealt another blow: the waves, which had been coming in not too strongly, suddenly got much more powerful. I looked up and a massive one started to break over me. I was about ten feet from a massive wall of rocks, and with a lot of rocks beneath my feet. There was little I could do apart from desperately swim away from the rocks, against the tide. I was brought down hard on the surface rocks and injured myself in various places. It was obviously a double wave, whipped up y a gust of wind, because it was followed immediately by another, and this time I realised that there was nothing at all I could do. I had not time to get away from the rocks and nowhere to go. Either I would somehow get out of it, or I would die. I realised that I was going to die. The wave came toward me and I just prayed. I don�t know what I prayed and I don�t remember the wave breaking. I can remember coming off the top and flying down toward the surface level, and then the sheer relief of not having been thrown head- or back-first into the rocks and killed, although I had landed badly and done myself a fair bit of damage. I was now close enough to the rocks to try and get on them and be t the waves. I looked round and saw another wave coming in, another big one. This, I realised, was absolute make or break: if this wave didn�t get held up by the few rocks I had already managed to scramble up, I would die because all that was in front of me was a completely wall of stone, without even any water depth to try and keep safe in. I prayed again and just called out, �Please Jesus, don�t let me die�. Cheesy, I know, but I meant it probably more than I�ve ever meant anything. But it was out of my hands - here was a single thing I could do. I kept scrambling as the wave came in, and I just held on to - I don�t know - my �inside�, I think, if that makes any sense. The wave broke a few feet behind me, and the white water pushed me down onto my hands and knees. But I was safe. I clambered up the rocks, tearing myself to shreds in the process and somehow, when I got out and up to the sandy part, I managed to cordially greet the two sunbathers who were sitting there, despite the fact that I could barely wal and was dripping with blood. Walking, or rather stumbling, over the rocks and sea-shells, I realised that I was out and that I was alive. I am now seriously spooked. I think I�m probably in shock because I�m very jumpy and just generally feel weird. To really face that life or death, to really think that my life, everything that I was, was going to be extinguished was awful. I don�t really know what to make of it. I think I need to talk it through with someone, because at the moment I�m feeling completely fucked out by it.

Apologies for all of the multiple postings - Netscape seems to have gone crazy again. I have talked through everything that happened, and I'm much more at ease with everything, which is good :)

Do you realise that you're the only people who have ever read my diary?

Mike, do you know about inner?

inner? nope. new conf?

i'm certainly glad you came out alive! and thank you for feeling safe enough with us to share your private thoughts *hugs*

Really, I'm grateful we're such a caring group. There are places on the net that are insensitive and places where you would get beat up pretty badly. We've become a safe haven.

Oh, cool!!! It's GREAT that you're in love, Mike!!! Don't forget to keep us up to date with that in inner, okay? Oh, and great to have you back! That thing with the wave sounds really scary. For me just standing on a surf board IS a near death experience - so this is like . . . mega cool!

Mike, glad to hear you are out there experiencing life instead of letting it experience you for a change. Hope to see you in "inner" also.

And how are you, Autumn?

Do I really have to change conferences?? I don't wanna go to inner, I wanna stay here..... *sulk*

Don't sulk, just give us the details, please! Don't care where! Does Michelle live in London? How often can you see her?

yes, don't keep us waiting!

You don't want Michelle logging on and reading all your private thoughts in cyberspace, do you??? Then get on over to inner so she'll think you don't kiss and tell. BTW, I'm good, Riette. I've recovered from my reunion.

ah-ha! so you are as old as everyone else...

What does that mean? I suppose we are all as old as everyone else.

Some of us are even older.

All in the mind.

And a little around the eyes.

ALOT around the eyes in my case. I dread to think what I'm going to look like in 10 years' time. Insomnia makes my eyes look about 20 years older than the rest of me.

do you have problems with insomnia, riette?

okay, okay...good point about the kiss and tell business. inner it is :)

to be honest though, my buggered up life of the last few months is global read only at the moment, so it hardly matters =)

OH, who cares, Mike? It's not like you're going to bump into your readers in the street or anything! Yes, Ray, I have terrible insomnia. Don't ask me why: I don't worry, I don't relive horrors of the past (ha-ha!!) or anything like that. I just can't switch off. Also makes the temper worse.

" I just can't switch off." perfect description...

i'm sorry to hear that riette. have you seen a doctor? i am thinking that you need a complete workup in terms of diet, lifestyle, medical exam, etc, in order to figure out why you dont sleep!

My doctor has been trying different things on me over the past 4 years, but without success. My health is perfect, my bloodpressure on the low side, and she says she really doesn't know the reason either, for she can find no medical explanation. Just one of those things, I guess. The pain about it is that sleeping tablets make me so groggy the next day that I refuse to take them - it can't be good for one. And homeopathing medicine has no effect whatsoever. I try not to sleep during the day, and that usually gives me four hours or so at night. But when I do fall asleep during the day, I'm buggered. Like the other night - I literally didn't sleep AT ALL. I always say it's such a shame my children sleep so well - I would have been the perfect mother to deal with babies who cry at night; at least it would keep me occupied, and in company!

Have you researched sleep topics on the net? Is there anything new or useful out there for you. What time is it in Switzerland right now and how has your wake/sleep cycle been today?

what you need is a cassette tape - maybe of a play or a radio show. listen to it, the same one, every night. That's what i've done for the last five years. Now, whenever i go to sleep, i put one of the tapes on and because i know exactly what is going to be said, I don't have to concentrate; but, because there's noise and i'm listening, my brain basically switches off. try it - it works for me.

have you ever tried imagining yourself in a place you like and completely concentrating on it so that you can smell the air, feel the sun, or whatever? this works for me when i'm stressed. knowing that i'm safe and in a place i love allows me to relax and then i'm out. i also don't go to bed until i am ready to sleep.

Do you go to bed at wildly different times then?

If you do, you could try melatonin to give your body a predictable sleep/wake cycle. Also, the herb Valerian helps me get a good night's sleep when I need to it. You take it at least a half hour before bed and it is relaxing--and no groggy feeling the next day.

yeah, i used to take some herbal, non-habit-forming tablets. if you can't get them in switzerland, i could send you some.

What a funny coincedence - I've actually taken some good tablets last night. A new, also herblistic tablet, that my doctor thought off while giving Chris a check-up yesterday. I needed three, but slept like a baby, and feel just great this morning. No grogginess, and NO tiredness!!!! I've tried that tape thing, Mike, but never with voices - always my favourite music. Usually I listen to Bach, which is my favourite place to go as well!, but I get so into the music that my mind becomes even more awake. How can anyone go to sleep in the midst of such profound genius? But next time I'll try it with voices. You should record me one of those tapes with you saying, 'You are feeling sleepy!', some time! But thank you for the advice, everyone - it is appreciated! I'll look for in on the web as well. Basically I don't really want to lose the insomnia, because I just love the quietness of the night, working away without kids and phones pestering me. It's just when it carries on for weeks on end that it becomes a pain, because I get so tired that I have this constand veil of tears in front of my eyes, and can't see properly. Plus having a temper is not much use when one has little kids to look after.

yeah, it never works for me with music. got to be voices. i used to take four herbal tablets, which used to knock me right out. never worked before exams, though, which was a shame.

You poor thing!

too much melatonin, though, and you have really funky dreams and a sort of hangover thing happening the next day...

What sort of funky dreams?

guess that would depend on the person... I just notice that mine are weirder after taking melatonin... must be the extra pineal stimulation...

PINEAL stimulation? Where's that?

Do I have a pinea?

that would be pineal, and yes you do...

where?

in your head

Gee, with such vulgarly named things in one's head, is it any wonder we get screwed up at times?

hehe :-) Can I make a suggestion? This topic is getting rather large and it might be a nice idea to freeze it and start a new one. That way any new people turning up don't have to feel put off by having 350+ postings to wade through.

my idea of a large topic is about 700-800 responses. but to be honest it is no big deal! i will freeze this puppy and start a new topic.

For telnetters it scrolls rapidly. For windows use 28/new. In drool we did not freeze a topic until it started messing up the posts. Some where around the 2000th as I recall.

My day's philosophy is a question: whether one should let kids watch Disney movies or not. Why? My little one was sitting on her potty, doing a $hitsy, singing, 'Kakuna-matata! Kakuna-matata!!''

lol! I see nothing wrong with taht! er... that!

I thought it rather hilarious that Disney lends itself to such puns! So much so that even a 3 year-old can figure it out!!!

Sounds like a good thing. No harm in that.

Not at all. I always say a person cannot develop a foul mind early enough.

My kids just walked in the door 15 minutes ago from seeing Tarzan at the $2 movies, and both basically said it was scary and violent. But they liked it! Some friends of mine boycott Disney because one of their subsidiaries is in the video porn business. They feel if Disney wants to project a family-friendly image they should divest themselves of these other interests.

I wouldn't call "Touchstone Pictures" porn...but they are R-rated and generally not family fare.

My kids love Disney movies, and I too think most of them (certainly not all) are well done. But the whole Disney-THANG stinks. And Disney land is on top of the list of things about the Disney industry that stinks. A perfect world of plastic where people are nevertheless clearly seperated by how much of this perfect world they can buy - the difference between staying in the Disney hotel and the Cheynne dump. The worst display of the evils of capitalism. A perfect world of plastic where you pay 4 times the normal price for everything. I don't know, in my mind it always brings up that image of, you can have ANYTHING you want in life - as long as you pay the price. Going to Disneyland was one of the biggest disillusions I've ever experienced. Especially when I saw a little boy of perhaps 4 years old, trying to sneak through the 2 hour qeue to go on the Pinnochio ride, and Goofy sneered at him something to the effect of, 'Get back in line, you little brat!'

I'd druther be boiled in oil or something equally dire than go to D-land. One of the sleaziest motels I have ever been in was across the street from the one in Anaheim, California. Never again! (That's where I was informed proudly that my Eudora had been purposely hacked so you-know-who could read my email while I was gone.)

God, talk about disillusionment!

Kakuna-matata! Kakuna-matata!! The motto of the Orenda Project is Ha-Tikkuna Mutata Olam.

What is the Orenda Project?

The Orenda Project is a modest effort to reverse the catastrophic mistakes that are leading our culture into an apocalyptic train wreck.

Got it. Looks cool!

I'm not sure you can make just a "modest effort" to do that can you? :-))

Indeed!

Must take a great deal of commitment.

What have you got going on today, Ree Ree?

Today I had a haircut! Yeah! No more of that horrible business you saw on the video - it's all gone really short. No more paint in my hair, no more combing out knots, hair in my face or any of that nonsense. Only problem is I look like a 12 year-old boy....pretty appalling. Went for lunch with Chris afterwards, and people were STARING, including the waiter. I nearly said to him, 'Buggers can't be choosers, you know!' Yeah, it was a FUN day! What were you up to?

Running out to the country to rent a room, cleaning up the house, doing Friday things. It was a good day. Today I feel a bit of mailaise, not sure how to fix it.

Poor Terry-guy. I'm sorry to hear that. Any reason for feeling bad? Why are you renting a room in the country? Are you spending the weekend there?

I'm renting one of my rooms out to someone else. I guess you can't just peak out all the time, can you?

I guess not.

I'm in a drought -- a creative desert. Thirsty. Deep in artistic avoidance. Blocked. BlockING. Stopped. Creativity requires *activity* ... Which leads me to my day's philosophy, even though it's already evening: "We learn to do something by doing it. There is no other way." -- John Holt (OK, it'll be my philosophy for tomorrow, too, so it gets a longer run. :)

We learn to do something by doing it. There is no other way. I'll remember that.

thats a good kick in the ass that i needed to get started today! good to remember that.

I'm thinking I need to write it on my hand in ink, like in junior high. ;) It sure is a lot easier to talk about writing than to sit down and face the blank pages.

You're SO right. I have this essay that I HAVE to hand in on Friday - about 1960's counter-culture. I know precisely what I WANT to say, but I just can't SAY it! But tonight I sat down, like your philosopher said, and just started writing ANYTHING that came into my head on the subject - and now I've done almost 3 full pages already. It really works! It's a JUST DO IT!-thing

What do you need to know?

Terry, she is missing out on a really great chance to pick brains if she does not talk to you about this essay. You are the very thing she needs!

Okay then. Terry, I need to know whether the term 'counter-culture' is a useful one with which to describe all the changes that took place in the 60's. The unit treats it as a 'no'. They argue that what took place was a kind of failed 'cultural revolution' (different of course from the one in China) - that it must have failed, since all those movements have since either falllen by the wayside, or have become a part of mainstream culture. Plus the woman who wrote the unit claims that counter-culture ch llenges historical continuity. I get the feeling we are expected to come up with a 'no' also, but I think it is a VERY useful term to be applied to the 60's. I think it was in no way a cultural revolution that took place, but cultural EVOLUTION. It bears all the characteristics, and therefore I think that counter-culture ENSURES historical continuity, rather than challenges it. I mean, if counter-culture didn't happen, mainstream culture would simply stagnate; and if one thinks of counter-culture as an evolutionary movement, then it is a sign of its success when it gets absorbed into mainstream culture, not failure. Am I WAY WAY off here?

No, you're right on, ree. As Bob Dylan and Paul Simon roll into Austin for a concert, I am reminded of my 60s days. The 60s boomers are now driving the most awesome economic boom in history and their values permeate succeeding generations like no other before it. Even though I'm driving a nice car, have my houses, and my net goings on, I'll never forget my roots in the inner city commune, the bus caravan, the hippie Farm, and the quest to Save the World. 60s culture permeates our lives like no other culture before or since. Far from having failed, it is continually on the verge or reawakening. We tried to build the world's largest vegetarian, nonviolent community in the 60s and 70s and, in a sense, we failed because there are only 200-300 people living on the 2,000 acres now in Tennessee, but many of the values we spawned live on in the people that have gone out in the world and not forgotten. The same is true of people that lived on backwoods communes in Oregon and communal pads in Louisville during this era, their scene has changed but they keep their values alive. Hey, any specific questions? That one was kind of broad, reehead.

No, no, I think it's great. If you, as a witness of the counter-culture think it a useful term, then I can get good marks arguing FOR counter-culture, because now I am CONVINCED of the validity of my argument. Hail Counter-Culture!!! Mum is of course very anxious to see how I'm going to do on this one, and wants a copy of the essay, so I'm having to be extra careful! But I'll let you know how it went, then you'll be proud of me, or disgusted!

I'll be proud o fyou no matter what. Are you going to wear your peace symbol necklace to the presentation?

Riette - HOLY THE BOP APOCALYPSE! Counterculture has been - as basically every trend - always been either smashed or bought. Look at, say, punk! NYC's seventies scene was very counter culture - they were both COUNTR and CULTURE, think Patti Smith, Lou Reed, etc. -, along comes Malcom McLaren, transplants the whole feeling to London, and BAM! you had the punk revolution! And look around today - it changed the whole way people thing of style, elegance, art. It's decayed already, substituted by HipHop counter culture, but it's there...

That's cooL!!! I'd LUV to have a thing like that! Especially if it is going to flicker like that! As it is, I'm afraid the only thing they will be seeing is the Star of David which the rabbi gave me when I took the mitzvah! A little conservative, you think????

OK. OK> I understand about the Star of David. How about a tie died t shirt? Check out http://www.hippynet.com

Read some W. Burroughs to them. Or, if it has to be German, something by Hadayatullah H�bsch - German beat Poet, writes since late 60ies, ran first German hippie shop, pop and drugs and literature, converted to Islam. (superstar 3/99 runs an interview with him... End of sales plug.)

Hadayatullah H�bsh??? With a name like that he must have been on a life long ego-trip! I'll try and get hole of Burroughs before Monday - that's when it's got to be done. What a shame they don't sell your mag at the kiosk...darn it! But thanks for the tips you both; at least now I've got more references to wangle in such a way that they'll support my argument.

He had a regular German first name, and at one point in late 60ies, standing in an African desert, he apparently had a religous experience (who do I have to tell about this here...). Subsequently, he studied Islam and converted. He takes this very serious; curiously, counter culture has kicked him out for that (sobering up, kicking drug use, giving up political dogmas, taking up religion), and the establishment never really forgave him, either. He is a German beat author, participates in poetry slams with the younger writers, does poetry and prose, publishes with tiny companies. Music is very important for him, he reads several music magazines, and is fascinated by pop culture. Riette, wie gut ist Dein Deutsch?

I'm sure it's just as good as her everything else!