excerpted from the MiningCo: Science Made Senseless Dateline: 10/07/98 History demonstrates that scientific genius is frequently accompanied not only by unreasonable skepticism, but also by ridicule and persecution. Copernicus was outcast simply for theorizing that the earth revolves around the sun. Many people still believe that Tesla was a madman, and I understand Einstein himself did not do well in school. Today's brilliant minds need not be silenced by obsolete institutions because the Web has become an affordable medium which allows for the free flow of even the most ludicrous ideas. Teenagers everywhere will soon be experimenting with homemade devices that have enormous destructive potential in their parents backyards and basements, putting the entire neighborhood at serious risk of total annihilation. If people preoccupied themselves with The Smell Of Gravity Page, there wouldn't be a lot of safety concerns about information available on the Net, but when dangerous secrets like How To Revive A Mummy become common knowledge the community understandably gets alarmed. Before you know it people are devilishly subjecting innocent cream-filled pastries to The T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. Gravitational Response Test! As probable as John's theory about The Mars Face At Cydonia And The Tower Of Babel is, some people firmly believe that the face traveled to Mars on The Amazing Alhambra Liquid Nitrogen Rocket, despite navigational problems due to poor placement of the stabilizer fins. Now that we know The Truth About Telescopes it's quite obvious that the face is, in fact, a transference device image left to us by ancient astronauts millions of years ago (MYA). When everything else fails, a foolproof way to impress your friends with your electrical wizardry is to build your own Solid State Tesla Coils. All it takes is One Room, One Dream, One Million Volts, a microwave oven, and a slightly disturbed mind to get you into CD Zapping. Before you start zapping innocent cream-filled pastries, note that Tesla was known to do demonstrations where he would let the arc run through his body and make sparks fly from his hair and fingertips! Would that make an awesome picture for your Web page or what? Of course, not every online scientific pursuit is completely insane. During a typical Canadian winter many men might be spared frozen faces if Beard Research received sufficient government funding. With your generous donation and enough public support Project: Denny's would stand a remote chance of reviewing every Denny's in America. Still more urgent is the need for someone to carry on where 149 Uses For Duct Tape left off and come up with another 852 uses! Ingenious duct tape applications will stick securely to the Bulletin Board. Be here next week and enjoy a revealing portrayal of celebritieswho have an insatiable appetite for testicles.

Don't worry about the missing gif links above, I'll fix 'em later.

okay... been missing out on some cool stuff in here. glad I finally got around to checking it out!

Good, I have a lot of duct tape and I've been needing to use it.

http://www.patents.ibm.com/details?patent_number=5501650 US5501650: Automated masturbatory device A variable speed motor powering a crankshaft driven sealed transducer producing pneumatically induced reciprocating motion of a receiver when a male organ is inserted. The present invention employs a hermetic system to prevent loss of synchronization. The receiver is designed with an inner liner compliant enough to accommodate a plurality of sizes and shapes of male penises. The present invention produces a stroke of approximately 3 inches at a frequency of up to 350 per minute.

have any idea if it is variable speed and/or variable stroke?

Hey, there are *much* more detailed drawings and descriptions on the site, and comparisions with other such (of course inferior) devices. Stacey, you won't need one of these.