Since I've been around here for a while, and there are questions about Alexander, I have taken the liberty to use this dedicated topic to explain my current acts to the Spring. Or to attempt to.
I hope that if I fail (once more and most likely), I do so graciously.-
For starters, please reread
http://www.spring.net/yapp-bin/public/read/screwed/157.24 (above posting).-
Now, there has been extensive discussion somewhere and a while ago on this here Spring, which - if I recollect it properly - fueled itself from the two extremes of my self-made claim of ignorance on one side, and certain topics created by me in the Cultures conference on the other side.
Looking back, that discourse seems to have been motivated by several elements - an assumption of my incompetence, disappointment with personal traits of this here author, and most likely hurt feelings from a perceived aggression or transgression on my side.
I was also experiencing interesting sensations myself, which I tried to contain, as I did not (and do not) want to cause any grief, especially not over myself. And I don't want to complicate matters unnecessary, since I believe in - who would've guessed - simplicity.
I have let this exchange come to a rest.
I have found out with this that is is very hard for me to transport certain concepts and perceptions into the English language (which is not my native tongue, remind you). This is true the more I see how I sometimes have problems articulating what I estimate to be ideas as fair as any other fellow's EVEN IN MY OWN LANGUAGE and get away with it unscalded.
Call it ignorance or arrogance, if you wish, but I assume this is not my fault or due to any vicious intention or complete inability; neither is it the intended receipient's fault.
It is - as far as my best guess gets me - the different interpretation of words assumed to have the same meaning for all parties involved. Difficulties in communication. Different cultural, social and personal images. Difficulties in letting differences be differences and accepting them as given (what people also call tolerance). So, any attempt to explain complex matters around here is a very challenging, romantic and naive task to me. Naive, because I never manage to explain myself to others intelligibl
, but still try - especially when I try to explain things I do or feel about while I do not have have the slightest care in the world why I feel or act that way. Not everything need to be understood, just accepted (well, most of it, at least).
(This communications disaster gets worse - or more interesting - whenever I happen onto the occasional sociologist who wants to tell me about the true teaching and how everybody else is wrong, because they are stupid. This works on me as sure as an allergy, makes me want to scratch myself and howl and run away. With which I don't want to put down the noble caste of sociologists, nor anybody about this here Spring; it's spectres of my past haunting me. I would like to state for the record - just to mak
sure and for good measure - that I appreciate idealism and interest and caring a lot. Or at least as much as my capabilities allow me, since I don't know how much is a lot to you.)
Huh. So many words. Gonna get worse. Get out now or stick around.
Lately, I have been wondering again about, well, things. Based on my assumption that most of the Springizens are US-residents, and on the tremendous coverage of certain unhappy events in the USA in the last couple of years, I have taken the liberty to keep my eyes open and assimilate impressions. I have compared them against what I found to be general knowledge, personal experience and customs of other places. There are trends and patterns I sense, but I can't really reach them. Other features are rather
obvious.
Anyway, I have tried some things, put them up for incrimination (if that's the word) and comment. Again, a discourse grew out of this and developed in unexpected ways; there were personal agendas on the sides of all involved, presented in fascinating patterns and behaviors.
At one point I realized that I did not deal with the subject I put up for discussion anymore. I experienced reactions that targeted me, questioning - again - my integrity, intention, interests. What I felt was something like, "Does he do that to cause grief?", and "He has no right to say things like that."
Now, this all may not have been intended and it may all be just my imagination, which makes no difference at this point - it was was I gathered from it nevertheless, no matter if misreading innocent things or not.
It got me thinking.
I guess you realize by now that I do not appreciate thinking a lot. The whole concept is questionable. Vain rationalism or rationalistic vanities, doesn't matter. There are other ways to cope with life, and most days of the week, I do not fare ill with the means I prefer.
Prefer for myself, mark that! I am not a missionary preaching an only truth, the only path, etc. I am. And that is good enough for me.
Where was I? Ah, thinking! The poisonous snake at one's bosom, or rather, in one's mind. So, this little exchange of opinions, factoids and comments got me all wired up, trying to find arguments to demonstrate my intentions, defend myself, parry the perceived aggression-created-by-my-perceived-aggression. Within a few minutes I had hacked a brilliant (well, acceptable) response together, showing "The Truth", and my aims, and how this is not a correct view of me, etc., AND THE WHOLE DUMB BLAB!!!
Which got me into a rough spot. Why should I defend myself against an subjectively perceived (possibly imaginary) attack, triggered - if real - by something felt as attack from my side? No way; I'm much for being naive about some things, but I'm not for escalating things just because some misunderstanding or imagined intolerance gives you a chance for some serious mayhem. I don't have to defend an non-existant cause, because I have hurt feelings. Or feel like I should have some, anyways, because somebody
aid to me... You get the drift.
Also, while I was in the thinking biz, what if these allegations are true? What if they are correct? What if they are unerringly true, as true as the fact that I am an ignorant (which - as you remember - I have defended at another time and will uphold)?
Thinking is a vicious curse. Once you're at it, you can't stop it. Plus it accelerates and gets more intense; even the more so, the more creative a person is in coming up with stupid things. It eats at your heart. Or whatever you work with.
So, what if these subjectively perceived and most likely unintended allegations are true? Not intended to be true, but like the proverbial shot in the dark... (it was night-time my time by then, by the way).
I scrapped my oh-so brilliant response - which was really long by that time, elaborate and perhaps even a bit insightful, but nothing would I gain or benefit from this but fan the fire -, switched the box off, and sat on the loggia for a while, stunned. Hurt, too, but not from outside actions, just from possible insight.
As Barry propagates other concepts for steering societies, I progagate for myself anything but thinking. Been there, done that. A lot, by which I mean a major LOT. Nothing really positive ever came out of it. I was happy not to rely on this treacherous tool.
However, I'm stuck with it for the moment, with this and the severe insight of my I-Still-Don't-Know-How-To-Spell-It-Is-It-One-Or-Two-G's-In-Bigottry. Been thinking since that moment above, around and below it. No way out. Face the fact, I-Still-Don't-Know-How-To-Spell-It-Is-It-One-Or-Two-G's-But-I-Guess-I-Am-A-Bigott. Perhaps not less or more than the average bloke, but perhaps even worse, too. Who can tell.
So, this thinking pained me - in other ways, too - and the whole week, the most fun idea I had was how to live with this by ridiculing it while making the fellow Springizens aware of it. Picket myself (is that the expression for it?). Grow my sense of humour back out of this grotesque absurdity. Repent. Restart. Relogin.-
That's all there is. I apologize that it is so pathetic, but that's how things are, most of the time. Pathetic. Simple. Easy.
Hard to describe, though.
With the finest regards,
A.