Shakespeare said "perception is more important than reality."

This is true, and I shall remember that. You missed a good Volleyball match last night. Per usual, the alumnae took it to 5 sets, but the varsity team won in the end. Actually, lots of people missed it. It was to benefit the Booster club but none of the Board members were there. Interesting...!

I fell asleep watching the Rainbows...woke up at the beginning of the fourth quarter. The paper this morning said that the alumnae won the match.

I put it on College Football for you. How did Texas do yesterday - 'snot in our paper this morning.

You are right, the Alumnae won 8-15, 51-3, 15-7, 1-15, 15-3. And I guess I put it in the above post. Wait'll the ladies in Drool hear that our cheerleading captain looks just like Colin Firth! Softball practice begins on the 25th. Good stuff, Softball!

With all of the sharp minds and senses of humor of differing sorts, why is there no Monty Python topic in TV? I cannot believe it has passed them by!

They haven't done a show (except an anniversary show) in over 20 years and time passes everyone by. You can argue that time has not passed by Shakespeare, but it has. In his day, he was the playwright to the masses--everyone from the street vendor to Queen Elizabeth I. Now, Shakespeare is considered stuffy and intellectual, definitely not the stuff of the great unwashed.

...but...but...but Rocky and Bullwinkle are still popular....! Yes, I know...they are shown regularly, but would it not have been a splendid topic for Spring?! Re Shakespeare, after last year's Shakespeare in Love and all that, he is as popular as ever!

I don't buy that. Try teaching it to high school kids who can barely speak English.

I got my first taste of it in school in Jr High school. But we had sizeable vocabularies and knew instinctively whether a sentence had the correct grammar or not. What happened?! (My first volume of Unabridged Shakespeare I asked for and received for my 14th Birthday. Still have it!)

I have mine as well. Now to sell it to the majority of these MTV mind-numbed, self-esteemed dumbed-down teens, you have to put Leo DiCaprio, Claire Danes, and John Leguizamo in it. Then you have to set it in a modern urban setting and use 9 mm pistols instead of swords. As for Shakespeare in Love, it was a critical success and a success with audiences 35+. Only the truly elite of the next generation will hjave any working knowledge of the Bard at all. When we go to it in class, a collective groan goe up. I'm trying to work something out with Jackie Johnson to get her acting students to portray scenes and answer questions for my classes. My kids don't have the verbal, reading, or acting skills to make it come to life in class and no matter how much I love it, I can't put on an hour and a half show all by myself. It's fairly easy to teach it to the GTs and the Honors classes. But the regular "heterogeneously grouped" humanities classes, 90 percent of which are convinced they are going to college an are college material...it's tough to reach all but the top few. I hate the way we English teachers try to teach it, almost as a foreign language, but unless I get help from drama instructors and actors, I don't have a better idea. I'm open to suggestions. At this point, I think you're the only one besides me who reads this "conference."

..it is worse than I though. Thanks for taking the time to write out a well reasoned answer to my comments. Yours and Jackie's colaboration sounds just like what is needed. Unfortunately, the kids on this Island do not hear standard English in the home, and we are turning out more and more teachers who have never heard it or used it. Either we are heading for 3rd world status, or there has to be some huge upheaval in the educational system. What will be your major emphasis in your Doctoral program?.. and what is now, in your Masters?

It is the weekend, John. With the work week the readers and posters will come back. Hunt out where Stacey is posting and pose the question to her. She taught Special Ed, but she quit and went into commerce. She is a good thinker with small mind development at heart. She would give you good suggestions, if there, indeed, are any to be had.

My masters is curriculum instruction. Basically worthless, but the only thing available to me without quitting my job and leaving Hilo. Now Manoa is offering a masters in administration here. Thanks, ---holes. Right when I finish this useful degree, which will get me a small raise, but not a promotion. There's still too damn much build up their self-esteem b.s. in the TECS (Teacher Education and Curriculum Studies) masters, and not enough real instructional improvement training. With the economic ecovery hitting every state but Hawaii and our liberal lack of leadership here and entitlement mentality among those who have been receiving welfare or who have been displaced by the sugar daddy plantation, I don't have a lot of hope for this state. Once our best and brightest leave after high school to go to college, they're out of here. We have nothing to bring them back to. O'O may have chased off your son, but in reality, he probably unintentionally did the young man a favor.

As for a doctorate, I'm 30 grand in debt already. Despite being a good candidate for a doctoral degree, it's not going to happen anytime soon.

You can always continue at your pace later. Doctorates may be accomplished at any time in life. You are right about David and leaving Hilo. He worked in Honolulu in his field, but it was a fairly lonely existance and they paid him minimum wages for his efforts. He needed to get away, and that is the sorry fact. There is nothing that I can foresee that a continuing downward spiral in both education and in the economy. We refuse to enable new clean insustry to develop, but when they manage to, the also impost their own best and brightest. Hawaii - at least this island - is a dead-end street!

Ain't it a shame? At least we two older intellects are still here...and there are some first rate minds like Alton's still at the university, even though they were stupid in what they did to Alan McNarie. Speaking of universities: In a public restroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows. He used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean." The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious." The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from the University of Texas--and they taught us not to piss on our hands."

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And,in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for the ark. "OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blue prints, "I'm your man." Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah. "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board. Then, I h d a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the US Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls. Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind. Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark ithout filling out an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the Supreme Being. Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe. Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunitiy Employment Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a n tice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years." With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully. "No," said the Lord. "The government already has."

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out? Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true. There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path. Anything free is worth what you pay for it. Indecision is the key to flexibility. It hurts to be on the cutting edge. If it ain't broke, fix it till it is. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. I am a nutritional overachiever. My inferiority complex is not as good as yours. I am having an out of money experience. I plan on living forever. So far, so good. I am in shape. Round is a shape. Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths. Practice safe eating-always use condiments. A day without sunshine is like night. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws. I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though. Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Age doesn't always bring wisdom, Sometimes age comes alone. You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

NEWS FLASH! Scientists at MIT (Mammary Institute of Technology) have discovered a new force, quite possibly the most powerful yet. Researchers have dubbed this new force ``breast gravity.'' It is the nearly irresistible force that draws men's eyes down to women's breasts. ``The idea came to me out of the blue,'' says team leader Frank Leerer. ``I was walking along the beach with a colleague of mine, and we saw a woman in a string bikini. `Check out the globes on her!' he said. That's when the idea hit me like a brick house.'' Theorists have been working around the clock to explain the biophysical mechanism behind the phenomenom. It is believed that like the other fundamental forces of the universe, breast gravity is mediated by an elementary particle. MIT scientists have named this theoretical particle the ``boobon.'' Many aspects of the new force have now been determined empirically. It is known that breast gravity grows exponentially with breast size. Also, experimentalists think that many materials must absorb boobons, because layers of clothing can significantly decrease the force. (A large parka can sometimes nullify the effect completely.) Still, there are mysteries yet to be solved. For example, why are almost all men's eyes affected, but only a small fraction of women's? How can it be that the force is transmitted even through televised and printed images of breasts? Scientists everywhere are looking into it.

A young lad's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. The boy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." Upon hearing this, the father replied, "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

A young man walks into a drug store and asks the cashier for some condoms. The cashier says "Got a good one?" "Yup, hot date tonight! This one's pretty much in the bag. She's sexy and givin' it up tonight!" the man replies. A little while later the man goes to his girlfriend's house and they sit down to eat dinner with her parents. They ask him to say grace. So he starts saying grace quickly and nervously. He prays and prays and prays some more. The girl looks over to the young man and says to him "I didn't know that you were so religious!" The young man stutters, "I didn't know your father worked at a drugstore!"

The teacher had given the class an assignment. She stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except your own death (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member). A smart-ass student pipes up, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, Miss?" Without missing a beat the teacher replies, "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

At Hebrew School, the Rabbi finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period. "Rabbi?" asked little Melvin "there's something I need to know." "What's that, my child?" asked the Rabbi. "Well, according to the Scriptures, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?" "Right." "And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?" "Uh ... right." "And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?" "Again you are correct." "And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?" "All that is correct," agreed the Rabbi. "So what's your question?" "What I want to know is this," demanded Melvin. "What were all the grown-ups doing?"

I always wondered about that , too...where were the Grown-ups of Israel?!

working in a kosher deli?

wrong html tag opened, closed

Okay, here's my new Jewish jokes. What does the perfect jewish home look like? It has 10 rooms, no bathroom, no kitchen. And, why do jewish women have gold plaited diaphrams? They like their men to come into money! ha-ha! I heard that at the synagogue!!! Sick stuff!

Sick, maybe. Funny, yes!

My Scariest Things (with apologies to Oscar Hammerstein) Copyright 1999, John Burnett Hissing pit vipers and nasty puff adders Cobras that blow their face up like air bladders beautiful coral snakes with colored rings These are a few of my scariest things Venomous rattlesnakes ground up for chili When beef's available, this seems so silly There's the black mamba that kills when it stings These are a few of my scariest things When the snake bites Neurotoxins Spin around my head If there's an antidote Give me it, please! And then I won't feel So dead!

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some of the winners: * Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. * Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. * Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high up on walls. * Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head. * Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it. * Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. * Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. * Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. * Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer. (Ya 'no) * Glibido: All talk and no action. * Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. * Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. *Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Loved your stuff, John...especially your "scariest things" The vocabulary is excellent, too. Very clever - as always!

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen into his life, when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish: "Quawwwwk... vus macht du... Yeah, du... outside, standing like aputzel... eh?" Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..." Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?" (Loosely: Do you understand Yiddish?) Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?!?" "Vuh den? Chinese maybe?" said the bird. In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. They both went to sleep. Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted some too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven, and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He had been saved. One morning, on Rosh Hashana, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was no place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven. Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!" Nothing. "Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven... Come on, everybody's lookingat you!" Nothing. After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, upset as hell, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the Temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars! Why? After I made your tfillin and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashana, why? Why did you do this to me? Why?" "Don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kippur!"

Ooooh! You do not have to be from the Yiddish 'hood to understand this one!

ha-ha!!!

Heavenly Father, we come before You today to ask Your forgiveness and to seek Your direction and guidance. We know Your Word says, "Woe on those who call evil good," but that's exactly what we have done. We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values. We confess that: We have ridiculed the absolute truth of Your Word and called it pluralism. We have worshipped other gods and called it multi-culturalism. We have endorsed perversion and called it an alternative lifestyle. We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery. We have neglected the needy and called it self-preservation. We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare. We have killed our unborn children and called it a choice We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable. We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self-esteem. We have abused power and called it political savvy. We have coveted our neighbor's possessions and called it ambition. We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression. We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment. Search us, O God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from every sin and set us free. Guide and bless these men and women who have been sent to direct us to the center of Your will. I ask it in the name of Your Son, the living Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians. The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get acoke." "No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

Touche'! *LOL*

Things You'd Love to Say at Work, But Can't! 1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? 2. Do I look like a people person? 3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 5. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 6. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 7. You!... Off my planet! 8. Does your train of thought have a caboose? 9. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 10. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? 11. A PBS mind in an MTV world. 12. Allow me to introduce my selves. 13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 14. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up. 15. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. 16. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage. 17. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. 18. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 19. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 20. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 21. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1. 22. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 23. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 24. Chaos, panic & disorder - my work here is done. 25. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 26. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

A Christian couple wanted to get a family pet. They felt it important to own a Christian trained pet. So, they went pet searching. At a kennel specializing in Christian trained pets, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home. That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new dog and his major skills, that they called the dog over and had him show off his Bible fetching ability. The friends were very impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. Well, they said, "let's try this out." Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

WHY AMERICANS SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO TRAVEL The following are actual stories provided by travel agents: I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?" A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state." I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map." A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that! I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them." A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt." After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your Mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I have fooled around with a lot of other women. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him." Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June." Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, Honey. I'm awfully sorry about this." Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her Mother and tell her. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," she complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother." Hillary just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home." "Why?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast ... now I do it in seven."

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?" Guy says, "I'm from Iowa." Bartender asks, "Whadaya do in Iowa?" Guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." Bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what the hell is a taxidermist?" Guy says "I mount animals." Bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call on little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But, eventually, his turn came... Little Johnny walked up to the front of he class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnny. "Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?" "Damned if I know", said Johnny, "but, this morning, my sister said she missed one. Then Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

*lolrotf*

PETER MARSHALL'S LIST OF FAVORITE ANSWERS FROM "HOLLYWOOD SQUARES" 1. According to Movie Life magazine, Ann Margaret would like to start having babies, soon, but her husband wants her to wait awhile. Why? PAUL LYNDE: He's out of town. 2. What are "dual-purpose cattle" good for that other cattle aren't? PAUL LYNDE: They give milk...and cookies, but I don't recommend the cookies. 3. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? PAUL LYNDE: Who told you about my elephant? 4. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? CHARLEY WEAVER: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him. 5. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and as actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? CHARLEY WEAVER: His feet. 6. Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What? PAUL LYNDE: An engagement ring. 7. According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than drinking. What? CHARLEY WEAVER: Not drinking. 8. True or false: Some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by running toward them at full speed, then high-jumping over them. CHARLEY WEAVER: This is sometimes terribly embarrassing to tall guests. 9. You're on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the kabuki. Why? PAUL LYNDE: It was a long plane ride. 10. If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high? CHARLEY WEAVER: Three days of steady drinking should do it. 11. Do female frogs croak? PAUL LYNDE: If you hold their little heads under water. 12. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? DON KNOTTS: That's what's been keeping me awake. 13. True or false: Many people sleep better in their street clothes than they do in their pajamas. PAUL LYNDE: Yes. We call them winos. 14. According to psychologists, when a child begins to get curious about sex, what is the one question he will most ask his mommy and daddy? PAUL LYNDE: Where can I get some? 15. Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit? JOAN RIVERS: Yes. It's daddy's turn. 16. Question: In what state was Abraham Lincoln born? PAUL LYNDE: Naked and screaming like the rest of us.

A little old man starts having trouble hearing and goes to the doctor.....says: "Doc, I'm having problems hearing!" Doctor says "Lets check this out." He looks into the man's ear with his flashlight and says, "There's a foreign object in here." So he takes his tweezers and pulls it out ... and says to the old man, "It's a suppository!!" The old man takes one look, and asks the Doc, "Can I use your phone?? I need to tell the wife that I know where I put that hearing aid!!"

*lol* John, you are full of it tonight! Getting any of these off those papers you are grading?!

I've got to get to those papers. I am in denial. If my kids wrote papers like that, I'd be into them already. BTW, I am always "full of it." Ask Karen. (*bullshit* *cough*)

I beg your pardon! I've been close enough to you to tell, and even hugged you on occasion. No Bull$hip I could discern. Perhaps it is because she is so close to the Chicago Sotck Yards?! And, I have been super quiet so you could grade papers and you have not gotten to them yet?! ASuwe!!!

Sorry for the typos which Ifound just as yapp was casting them in concrete...!

Yapp is better at concrete casting than the Mafia.

Oh, Indeed it is! The bigger the goof, the quicker it snatches it away to show the world in all its misbegotten glory!

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to forever hide the bodies of the people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. Help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I have to kiss tomorrow. Help me always give 100% at work...12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, and 5% on Friday. And help me to remember...When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying their best to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown, and only 4 to extend my middle finger.

This is the sort of thing old ladies should cross-stitch and frame...and one might hang from their rear-view mirror for quick reference in tight situations... Love it!

To: All EMS PersonnelFrom: Chief of Operations Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following. 1) Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again). 2) Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state. 3) Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal decelerationsyndrome." 4) HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms." 5) Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted." 6) Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants." 7) The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge." 8) And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records). I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.

I just sent this to two ER nurses. I am sure it will be printed out and posted in hospitals across the world as they send it farther afield. Very funny!

Microsoft Dinner 98 INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT: You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme. If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter: ms.nodarn.good/tryagain\again/again.darnit This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

After spending some time telnetting just prior to seeing this, I can appreciate even more the Unix instructions. Someone who has "been there" obviously wrote this. Thanks for sharing! Love it (and sent it to those in the family who do not frequent Spring - like David and Frank!)

After re-reading it and wiping my eyes and catching my breath...I think you should send BG several hundred copies of it!

Dear Friends and Family, This is a really terrific thing. The Hunger Site at the U.N. This is a really cool website. All you do is click a button and somewhere in the world some hungry person gets a meal to eat at no cost to you. The food is paid for by corporate sponsors. All you do is go to the site and click. But, you're only allowed one click per day so spread the word to others. Visit the site and pass the word. http://www.thehungersite.com

Top Ten Warren Beatty for President Campaign Slogans copyright 1999, John Burnett 10. Experience makes the difference in domestic and foreign affairs. 9. I promise my sister Shirley won't be an advisor. 8. Lewinsky can't touch the babes I've had. 7. You bought my Bullworth once before. 6. Doesn't Annette look good after eight years of Hillary? 5. Beatty--First in Warren Piece. 4. Do you really want to sandwich Clinton between two Bushes? 3. I Can Handle My Intern, I Mean Internal Affairs. 2. I'll Kiss Chelsea Goodbye For You 1. Booze, Broads and Beatty!

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need. BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need. PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows. FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-low at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Fung Shui is bad. PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You neighbors decide who gets the milk. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cattlegate." BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything. SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment. BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them. FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf. POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You cognate the concept of "ownership" as symbolic of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past. In enlightened terms, you participate in a mutually beneficial domestic and economic partnership with two differently aged/but no less valuable to society/bovines of non-specified gender. COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like...these two cows, man. you just got to have some of this milk. SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

1. Constipated people don't give a crap. 2. Practice safe sex, go screw yourself. 3. If you drink don't park, accidents cause people. 4. Please tell your pants it's not polite to point. 5. Thank you for pot smoking. 6. If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling. 7. Impotence: nature's way of saying "No hard feelings." 8. Horn broken...watch for finger. 9. If you can read this, I've lost my trailer. 10. It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put your booger.

Lessons I've learned... I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -- they are more fucked up than you think. I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place. I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do. I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves. I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages. Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe something good will happen. If not ... tough shit.

I thought you might have posted your picture here this morning...I think it belongs here more than Spring Gallery, but that is ok, too...!

I can't post a picture. I don't have a website and I'm not a host. That's why I sent it to you.

Check your email...

Thank you, Marcia. This is me, January 30, 1981.

Memorandum from God To: The members of the Kansas Board of EducationFrom: God Re: Your decision to eliminate the teaching of evolution as science. Thank you for your support. Much obliged. Now, go forth and multiply. Beget many children. And yea, your children shall beget children. And their children shall beget children, and their children's children after them. And in time the genes that have made you such pinheads will be eliminated through natural selection. Because that is how it works. Listen, I love all my creatures equally, and gave each his own special qualities to help him on Earth. The horse I gave great strength. The antelope I gave great grace and speed. The dung beetle I gave great stupidity, so he doesn't realize he is a dung beetle. Man I gave a brain. Use it, okay? I admit I am not perfect. I've made errors. (Armpit hair--what was I thinking?) But do you Kansans seriously believe that I dropped half-a-billion-year-old trilobite skeletons all over my great green Earth by mistake? What, I had a few lying around some previous creation in the Andromeda galaxy, and they fell through a hole in my pocket? You were supposed to find them. And once you found them, you were supposed to draw the appropriate, intelligent conclusions. That's what I made you for. To think. The fol s who wrote the Bible were smart and good people. Mostly, they got it right. But there were glitches. For one thing, they said that Adam and Eve beget Cain and Abel, and then Cain beget Enoch. How was that supposed to have happened? They left out Lilith entirely! Well, they also were a little off on certain elements of timing and sequence. So what? You guys were supposed to figure it all out for yourselves, anyway. When you stumble over the truth, you are not supposed to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and proceed on as though nothing had happened. If you find a dinosaur's toe, you're not supposed to look for reasons to call it a croissant. You're not big, drooling idiots. For that, I made dogs. Why do you think there are no fossilized human toes dating from a hundred million years ago? Think about it. It's okay if you think. In fact, I prefer i . That's why I like Charlie Darwin. He was always a thinker. Still is. He and I chat frequently. I know a lot of people figure that if man evolved from other organisms, it means I don't exist. I have to admit this is a reasonable assumption and a valid line of thought. I am in favor of thought. I encourage you to pursue this concept with an open mind, and see where it leads you. That's all I have to say right now, except that I'm really cheesed off at laugh tracks on sitcoms, and the NRA, and people who make simple declarative sentences sound like questions? Oh, wait. There's one more thing. Did you read in the newspapers yesterday how scientists in Australia dug up some rocks and found fossilized remains of life dating back further than ever before? Primitive, multicelled animals on Earth nearly 3 billion years ago, when the planet was nothing but roiling muck and ice and fire. And inside those cells was . . . DNA. Incredibly complex strands of chemicals, laced together in a scheme so sophisticated no one yet understands exactly how it works. I wonder who could have thought of something like that, back then. Just something to gnaw on. � Copyright 1999 The Washington Post Company.

One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom. Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Go to the theater."

(taking up a collection for theater tickets....rummaging around in pockets to see how much I can come up with...*smirk*)

Why the State of Hawai`i's economic recovery plans depend on a nuclear holocaust in Australia: 1. We will become the world's main supplier of raw materials for eucalyptus cough drops. 2. Hawaiian surfers will again dominate the field, leading to skyrocketing North Shore real estate values. 3. The place is full of snakes. Every Qantas airliner is a potential ecological catastrophe. 4. Without Aussie peacekeepers to interfere, Indonesia will stay happier and keep that oil flowing. 5. Now that Ross Furniture has been bought out, we don't ever want a repeat of those damn commercials. 6. Aussies have too much fun at home. It's giving other tourists the wrong idea. 7. They aren't accepting convicts anymore, and the the prison-for-profit people want to keep it that way. 8. Aussie men will stop fueling the Bangkok sex market, subsidizing cheap competition for Waikiki. 9. Once Australia is gone, the only place where tourists can see wild wallabies will be Oahu. 10. Baywatch will never be tempted again.

Give Me a Sign, Lord ....In a Nonsmoking Area: " If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On Maternity Room Door: "Push, Push, Push." At an Optometrists Office: "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place." On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." On a Butchers window: "Let me meat your needs." On a fence: "Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive." At a car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming." Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? JERRY FALWELL Because the chicken was homosexual! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it, the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white-washes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that. PAT BUCHANAN To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. DR. SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told! ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die. In the rain. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. I envision a world where all chickens will be judged not by the color of their plumage, but by the content of their character, a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. KARL MARX It was a historical inevitability. SADDAM HUSSAIN The chicken has crossed the line of death. This was an unprovoked act of aggression and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. RONALD REAGAN What chicken? KEN STARR I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and subvert the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken immunity provided he co-operates fu ly with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Reverend Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers. CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. FOX MULDER You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? SIGMUND FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES I have just released e-Chicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook--and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of e-Chicken. ALBERT EINSTEIN Did the chicken cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you please define chicken? THE BIBLE And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. COLONEL SANDERS Y'mean I missed one?

Just Click Here!

Does it ever end???? LOL!!!

Nan!!! I am going to sit on you till you say uncle - that blasted thing won't close nor anyhing!!!

Then I know what it is. I've seen the silly site before.

Sorry I spoiled it for you...!

I'd already seen it. My cousin Tom thinks things like that are funny, too.

Poor John! (We all have relatives like that, I guess!)

One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!" A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened. "Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?" "No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

*grin* They know how to extract every last cent, do they not?!

The Court of King George III London, England July 10, 1776 Mr. Thomas Jefferson c/o The Continental Congress Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Dear Mr. Jefferson: We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision: 1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature. 2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion. 3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics. 4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify. 5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations? 6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement. 7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies? 8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators. 9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne's War. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking. 10. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix. We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required. Sincerely, Management Analyst to the British Crown

Thos Jefferson, welcome to the 21st Century!

Since he is on the air as I post this, I post it on his topic and hope for his speedy return to our midst. The 12 Days of Christmas - Hawaiian style On the First day of Christmas my Tutu (grandmother) give(sic) to me - One Mynah Bird in one Papaya Tree 2nd day - Two Coconuts 3rd day - Three Dried Squid 4th day - Four Flower Leis 5th day - Five Big Fat Pigs 6th day - Six Hula Lessons 7th day - Seven Shrimps a-swimming 8th day - Eight Ukuleles 9th day - Nine pounds of Poi 10th day - Ten Cans of Beer 11th day - Eleven Missionaries 12th day - Twelve Televisions

From John-the-Shy... An old cowboy went into a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cattle." He then asked her what she was. She replied, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women." A little while later a couple sat down next to the old cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian!"

Now, where's the chief?

I'm a lesbian too, I love women.

In that case that makes me gay, 'cause I love men! Fraught with misunderstanding possibilities...*grin*

As to John: He wrote this in regards to the pleas on food for his return: Please tell everybody hello. But Ray still has to talk to me and tell me it's okay from his own mouth. That may or may not happen (I won't hold my breath), but I don't feel like another threatening round of e-mails, whether he means to make good on the threats or not. Sorry I did not get your permission to post private email, but I thought you should know that this rather ordinary and truly peace-loving lady is still the cause of the absence from Spring of the best minds out there. I feel very sad and angry about that. It almost came to blows the other day...

...make that SOME of the best minds...there a great number of them in here and the loss of even one is a tragedy to me...and we know it is more than one....

I hope all these great minds can resolve whatever differences and join together again. Y'all are too cool to have differences that rip us apart.

This is for sure. I think I shall make it mandatory this weekend upcoming that to have my cooperation with his relatives, that O'O will talk to John IRL. I make very few requests from him, but this one I shall insist on. Don't have a clue about the other and I am staying as far from that as I possibly can.

From the Man, Himself! ALL-TIME GREAT COUNTRY-WESTERN TITLES 1. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? 2. You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly 3. I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart 4. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You 5. She Got The Gold Mine and I Got The Shaft 6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him 7. I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life 8. Drop-Kick Me Jesus Through The Goalposts Of Life 9. Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone 10. If You Don't Leave Me Alone I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will 11. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger 12. I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line 13. I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me. 14. My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart. 15. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight Because I'm Afraid She'd Win. 16. They May Put Me In Prison But They Can't Stop My Face From Breaking Out

There was a man called him Jim, who lived near a river. Jim was a very religious man. One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim says "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." So, the man in the boat drives off. The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies, "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." The person in the boat then leaves. The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in. Jim tells her "That's ok." The woman says "Are you sure?" Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me. Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God. Jim says to God "You told me you would take care of me! What happened?" God replied "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"

From the man Himself again: Winners of a New York magazine contest were asked to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter and provide a definition for the new expression. The result is the following. ======= RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID: Honk if you're Scottish HARLEY-VOUS FRANCAIS?: Can you drive a French motorcycle? EX POST FUCTO: Lost in the mail. VENI, VIPI, VICI: I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered. COGITO EGGO SUM: I think; therefore I am a waffle. RIGOR MORRIS: The cat is dead. QUE SERA SERF: Life is a feudal. LE ROI EST MORT: JIVE LE ROI: The king is dead. No kidding. POSH MORTEM: Death styles of the rich and famous. PRO BOZO PUBLICO: Support your local clown (or politician, your call) MON AGE A TROIS: I am three years old. FELIX NAVIDAD: Our cat has a boat. HASTE CUISINE: Fast French food. QUIP PRO QUO: A fast retort. ALOHA OY: Love, greetings, farewell: from such a pain you should never know. IL DEUCE: The second banana. AD HOCK: A commercial pitch. ______________________________________________________

"HARLEY-VOUS FRANCAIS?: Can you drive a French motorcycle?" Name one! Great cars, ok, but bikes?