The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision. --Lynn Lavner

Dutch researchers writing in an April British Medical Journal advocated that Viagra be dispensed for free in the Netherlands because, even though costly, Viagra enhances the quality of its users' lives even more, for example, than kidney transplants. In fact, according to the researchers' Quality-Adjusted Life Year measure, a dollar spent on Viagra brings twice as much benefit as a dollar spent on breast cancer screening.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "OOOOOOH, I hope it's mine!"

"Get in good physical condition before submitting to bondage. You should be fit to be tied." - Robert Byrne "Love your enemies in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards." - R.A. Dickson

She was so wild that when she made French toast she got her tongue caught in the toaster. ---Rodney Dangerfield

--------------------- Fish and Chicks ---------------------- NEW YORK, NY - This sushi bar has more than raw fish to smell, as one of the hottest eateries in the Big Apple is a nude dining establishment. They feature the "tushi" roll and other delicacies. The establishment actually is also a swinging dance club where you can get table dances with your food. -------------- They'll Plump Your Pillows Too -------------- BUCHAREST, Romania - In order to increase business due to the economic depression, a group of Romanian prostitutes is trying to lure clients by offering to do household chores. So not only will they perform sexual favors for the clients, but they will make the bed afterwards and serve them breakfast. "We had to invent something because people don't have money and clients are rare. After solving the sexual problem, the girls clean and cook for free. All on the house," said a "sexual agent" in Bucharest. It was not mentioned if the chores are performed in the nude or if the prostitutes do windows.

---- Iran Transsexual Unhappy With Experience As Woman ----- TEHRAN - An Iranian man who recently had a sex change to become a woman wants to reverse the operation because she finds life as a woman insufferable in Iran, a newspaper said on Monday. The 25-year-old Maryam, formerly Mehran, underwent a sex change last year, despite strong parental opposition. But she soon regretted the decision, finding it difficult to cope with "restrictions" surrounding a woman's life in the conservative Islamic society. While almost everything else in Iran is illegal, sex change operations are, but there are no provisions for would-be transsexuals to test out their new identity first.

What is the difference between semen and mayonnaise? Mayo doesn't hit the back of your throat at 40 miles an hour.

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the Lawrenceville jail. Lawrence went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice the Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are making love to a pumpkin?" He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin!? Damn...is it midnight already?"

LOL Cheryl!!! This is THE place to post that!!!

Well he was drunk at the time. I love his response, "A pumpkin!? Damn...is it midnight already?" Most people would have been at a loss for words.

That was a great comment to make...Inspired, actually! BOSTON, Massachusetts - In keeping with today's column, researchers have discovered that wearing tight fitting pants can actually act as an aphrodisiac. The science behind this claim seems to be that tight fitting pants increases blood flow to the loins and results in heightened sexuality.

-- New Facts About British Sexuality: Apparently It Exists -- London - Britons need no longer hang their heads in shame, they're good at sex, and have a lot of it. This study, due out July 3, has exploded the myths surrounding British sexuality and destroyed the reputations of some other nations in the process. Here's the details: The average Brit has sex 2,580 times in his or her life with five different people, and some 42 percent of Britons manage a bit of sexual infidelity. Italians, long regarded as sex legends, are the least sexually active people in Europe... less than 100 times a year. And when they have sex it lasts less time than anywhere in Europe (14 minutes). Brazilians have the greatest endurance, with sex lasting an average of 30 minutes. Thailand produces sprinters who have sex the quickest (10 minutes on average).

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me some naked women." ---Jerry Seinfeld

Q: What's the difference between a 'Spice Girls' video and a porn video? A: The porn video has better music!

WASHINGTON, DC - The Center For UFO Studies (CUFOS) has compiled a list of 13,528 US women who believe that they have been abducted by aliens. Of this amount, 1,501 women reported that their panties had been kept by the aliens. It has not been revealed for what sinister purpose these aliens are hording underwear.

Recurring Themes More Sex Crimes You'd Rather Not Know About: James Donald Ray, 39, convicted of molesting sheep (San Diego, May); Daniel Bruce House, 54, arrested for molesting a horse (Malibu, Calif., February); Jason Carl McRoberts, 19, arrested for molesting a lamb (Stewartstown, Pa., April); Roger Powell, 59, arrested for molesting a pig (Enfield, N.C., May), which he explained by pointing out that sex with his human girlfriend is undesirable because she is a "crack whore."

Old" is when your wife says "let's go upstairs and make love," and youR answer, "honey, I can't do both!"

New York, NY Maxim magazine reported recently that a new dining establishment is open in Manhattan called La Maison de Sade. They serve traditional French cuisine with not so traditional side "dishes." For $20 a throw, you can have hot wax melted on your nipples, or order "Spanking of a Slave", "Foot Worship", and the ever popular, "Public Humiliation."

From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have it breakdown in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

Troy, NY - What do you do when you are drunk and want to hear someone talk dirty to you? Ask Harold Reinke. It seems that after a hard night of partying, he called a European 900 sex line that charged $9.95 per minute. There was only one problem. The inebriated Reinke fell asleep while getting an ear full and woke up hours later still connected. The bill? Only $7164.

"The five worst infirmities that afflict the female are indocility, discontent, slander, jealousy and silliness." -Confucian marriage manual

"Man may have discovered fire, but women discovered how to play with it." --Carrie, Sex and the City on HBO

Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off? A: Spit, swallow and blowing bubbles

Coffee Bar Sparks Caffeine-Condom Rush ROME (Reuters) - Italian espresso is supposed to give the drinker a lift, but it seems to be making some decidedly frisky. A coffee bar in the Italian beach resort of Sperlonga has taken to handing out free condoms with every cup it sells. ``It's a bit of fun, but also to make sure people protect themselves,'' the owner of the bar, The Pirate, told the newspaper Corriere della Sera, adding that a lot more young people had started drinking his coffee. More than 150 people a day have been whisking the condoms into their back pockets or handbags, according to the owner, but Sunday is apparently the busiest day of all. ``Who knows what they get up to,'' he said.

The natural look is back! Just look around, from your favorite magazine divas, to the stars on television, women are showing-off their breasts with pride! bodyperks is the latest fashion accessory for your breasts. They make you look and feel wonderfully sassy. Give bodyperks a try - you'll be amazed at the reaction. What are bodyperks? They are lightweight, natural colored, silicon nipples that you insert into your bra and place directly on your own nipple. You can create your own look and wear them with tight t-shirts, sexy halters, dresses, twin sets, swimsuits and more. One size fits all as bodyperks were crafted to produce just the right amount of perkiness, regardless of breast size or shape. They will enhance the beauty of your breasts with the illusion of natural, erect nipples. The possibilities for fun are endless! Whether you're out on the town or playing volleyball, bodyperks comfortably stay in place and give you the added attraction of playful, fun breasts. You'll feel and look sexy! http://www.bodyperks.com/index-product.html check out 'perky encounters'!

Would this be the female analogy to men stuffing socks in their briefs?

I think so!!! *lol*

To think I spent my childhood being told how to avoid this "look" on all occasions. Talk about mispent youths...

(why do you think I posted it!!!!! *grin*)

(yeahyeahyeah....) +----------------- Bizarre Sexual Trivia -----------------+ According to unsubstantiated sources: 55 percent of women say they've faked an orgasm at one time or another. 33 percent of women admit they moan in bed, 7 percent shriek and 13 percent laugh. The most popular sexual position is missionary, followed by the woman on top and "doggie style." 58 percent of women cuddle after sex, but 8 percent just "lie there silently." Only 4 percent think bicyclists have "attractive physiques." 30 percent say swimmers have the sexiest bodies. 28 percent have the hots for gymnasts. 22 percent like volleyball players. But only 14 percent say sprinters get their hearts racing.

SALEM TOWNSHIP, Pennsylvania - For the person that is always on the go, the Climax Gentleman's Club in Salem Township, near Pittsburgh, has been providing a drive thru peep show service since April. Drivers can pull up to a window at the back of the club and show proof that they are 18 or older and pay $5 per minute. Then they pull up to a second window and watch a nude dancer for the amount of time they paid for. According to Barbie, a stripper at the club, most customers pay for two to three minutes, but one man paid $100 for 20 minutes. Township supervisor Ed Gieselman helped write a 1998 ordinance to regulate strip clubs. He called the drive-through an advertising gimmick designed to generate publicity.

"Man may have discovered fire, but women discovered how to play with it." --Carrie, Sex and the City on HBO

I can't disagree with that.

*licking her singed fingers* I hear you! But, it is sooooooo enticing...!

Well, anyone tried the nipple falsies??? My girls convulsed with laughter over that one ..... Sig Other looked disapprovingly!!!

*shudder* Not in THIS lifetime!

Just teasing dear!!!

How to Relax on Your Wedding Night From your Honeymoons/Romantic Getaways Guide http://honeymoons.about.com/travel/honeymoons/c/ht/00/07/How_Relax_Wedding_Night0962934287.htm Your first night as a married couple may be different from the way you imagine it. Difficulty Level: Hard Time Required: all night -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here's How: 1. Accept the fact that wedding nights are perfect only in the movies. In most cases, you're either going to be exhausted from the event or totally wired. Neither is the best state of mind for the best sex of your life. So take the pressure off yourselves. 2. Shower and change into comfortable clothes. 3. If it feels right to you, and you still have out-of-town friends around, invite them to your honeymoon suite. 4. If that's the craziest advice you every heard, ignore it. 5. Order room service. 6. After the food and drink arrive, slip the "do not disturb" sign on your door. 7. Share with each other the high points of the wedding, and what you remember most. 8. Present a small gift to each other (see below for ideas). 9. Arrange a wake-up call if you need to catch a flight. 10. Don't rush things. Start with a massage, perhaps. And if the sex isn't the greatest thing you ever experienced, don't fret. You've got a lifetime to perfect it. Tips: 1. No children. Anywhere. 2. You'll remember this night for the rest of your life, so make the effort to make it special. 3. Unless you met on "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire," it will NOT all be over in the morning.

OooH, Maggie! How I wish this had been around for me to tape to the bridge of someone's nose long ago. How remarkable and how wise at the same time. I'm going to send it to my newly-engaged son!

A 41-year-old German woman, who was arrested for shoplifting, told a judge that she only did it for sexual kicks. "I have an orgasm whenever a department store detective discovers me stealing and grabs my shoulder from behind," the woman named only as Baerbel B. told a court in Neustadt am Ruebenberge. The arousal was so addictive that she would steal dog food, shoes, anything that would get her caught. She was allowed to walk three years ago for a similar offense, but this time Judge Harald Zimbehl decided enough was enough and sentenced her to 14 months. She was caught stealing a hammer drill worth around $120. [You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to cuddle-time. You have the right to sleep on the wet spot...]

Women will now have the choice of wearing the pant(ie)s in the family. It's a new female panty condom, called Janesway. The panties have a soft latex center that covers the exposed area and goes up inside. All a man has to do is slip into the latex part of Janesway that's inside the vagina. The Janesway company promotes that couples can look forward to uninterrupted lovemaking without having to stop to put on the condom, or worry about STDs. The Janesway will come in a variety of styles.

MADRID, Spain - It was an embarrassing ordeal as one man's desire for safe sex got him stuck for four hours. After a long night on the town with his girlfriend, a 23-year old man put some coins into a condom machine outside a pharmacy. When nothing came out, the man pounded impatiently on the machine, then stuck his hand in the opening to try to pull the condom package out. Two of his fingers became caught inside. For the next few hours he was the brunt of humiliating comments from passers-by while he and his girlfriend tried unsuccessfully to pry his hand loose.

Love is like the measles, all the worse when it comes late in life.

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities. In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"

French Scientists Map Sexual Arousal Area in Brain LONDON (Reuters) - French scientists have found a region of the brain that is strongly linked with sexual arousal in men, they said on Monday. By using a sophisticated scanning technique that monitors the flow of blood in the brain they discovered that an area called the claustrum is the most activated when men are aroused by photographs or short films. The claustrum is not the only area of the brain involved in sexual arousal but Jerome Redoute and his colleagues said it is an important one that could improve understanding of human sexual desire and lead to better treatment for people with sexual problems. ``The aim of the study was to show the brain region directly linked with visual sexual stimulation. We found that the activity of the claustrum was directly linked with the intensity of the sexual arousal,'' Redoute, of the Centre for Medical Research of Positron Emission Tomography (CERMEP) in Lyon, said in a telephone interview. The claustrum is a poorly understood area in the temporal lobe of the brain. Redoute's research, which is published in the journal Human Brain Mapping, is among the first to link it to sexual arousal. Redoute and his team used Positron Emission Tomography (PET) scans to map the blood flow in the brains of nine healthy heterosexual men while they looked at a series of photographs and short films ranging from tame to sexually explicit. They also monitored the men's blood pressure, heart rate and testosterone levels as they viewed the images. After each scan the men were also asked to assess the perceived sexual arousal and humour of what they had just seen. Other areas of the brain also reacted to the stimuli but the activity of the claustrum was most closely associated with the level of arousal. ``The claustrum, a region whose function has been unclear, displayed one of the highest activations,'' the researches said in the journal. ``There is now accumulating evidence of the involvement of the claustrum in motivational processes.'' Until now there have been very few, if any, studies concentrating on the role of visual imagery and sexual stimulation of the brain using sophisticated imaging techniques. ``It's important to know how the brain functions in healthy people to understand what happens when men have sexual problems,'' Redoute added.

"Is there no military policy how virgins might blow up men?" Helena in Shakespeare's All's Well That Ends Well (I.i.123-4)

I had no idea where to put his so here it is: +---------------------- Bizarre Laws ----------------------+ ENGLAND Chelsea Pensioner may not be impersonated. It is illegal for a lady to eat chocolates on a public conveyance. In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless in public except as a clerk in a tropical fish store. Any boy under the age of 10 may not see a naked mannequin. Anal sex is prohibited. It is legal for a male to urinate in public, as long it is on the rear wheel of his motor vehicle and his right hand is on the vehicle. In Chester, you can only shoot a Welsh person with a bow and arrow inside the city walls and after midnight.

--------- Police Bust World's Most Gullible Hooker --------- KENT, Washington - This sounds like a beginning of a good blond joke. A woman was arrested for the 44th time after willingly climbing into a marked police car and admitting she was a prostitute. The officer pulled over to talk to the woman who was dressed in "in a very short dress, stockings and high heels," and asked her for a price. She allegedly admitted to being a prostitute and said she'd take $40. The officer suggested the back of the patrol car and the woman told him she had a lifelong fantasy about uniformed police- men. When she hopped in, the deputy slammed the door, locking her in. She has reportedly been release on bail.

"My fianc�e told me the rule of thumb on how much to spend on an engagement ring was two months' salary. So I moved to Haiti for a couple months, made a buck eighty. Nice plywood ring - no knots. I sanded it myself." ~ Barry Kennedy

Happy Thanksgiving, guys! Tavern Serves Up Turkey Testicles HUNTLEY, Ill. (Reuters) - A delicacy unlikely to grace Thanksgiving tables -- turkey testicles -- were gobbled up by the dozen at an Illinois tavern on Wednesday as part of the pub's pre-holiday tradition. Patrons of the Parkside Pub in Huntley feasted on more than 800 pounds of the nuggets that had been deep fried in a secret batter created by proprietor Mark McDonald, who began serving testicles the day before Thanksgiving nearly two decades ago. "They taste something like a mushroom," bartender Martha Kagel said amid the noontime hubbub. "I've had a couple already. They're good." Hoping to satisfy an expected crowd of 3,000, McDonald purchased more around 30,000 of the high-fat testicles from an Iowa turkey farm, which normally removes them from inside the birds for export.

Herro, this is velly important: News Flash!! Japan sends U.S. 50,000,000 cases of Viagra!!! They heard that our country can't get have a good election.

Rapidly gaining viewers in the competitive Moscow TV market is a program called "The Naked Truth," on an obscure channel, which features straight news delivered by a 26-year-old female anchor, but who appears from time to time topless, or while undressing, or while being fondled on-camera. According to an October New York Times report, however, the station's policy is that any news of President Putin or other leading officials must be delivered while fully clothed.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!!

Three men die in a car accident Christmas eve.They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something Christmassy. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a Christmas card, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture , St. Peter asks "how do these represent Christmas?" He answered, "they're Carol's."

"Bill Clinton's legacy has come to pass as the only President sandwiched between two Bushes" --John Burnett

--------- Over-sexed Seniors Romp At Nursing Home ---------- LONDON, England All of London was abuzz recently when nine residents of the Edith Scarborough Nursing Home were told that they must find a new place to live after they attempted a late-night orgy. That's right, they were caught in the recreation room attempting to have a sex party to the exotic sounds of the rumba music. Their ages ranged from 78 to 95. [At least they discovered additional uses for baby oil.]

They should get medals of honor, was this after a showing of Cocoon (the movie)?

Really!!! Here is the flip side: Police say that a 24 year old shoplifter was leaving a Bristol, England supermarket when he removed two lobsters from their tank and shoved them in his trousers. The man sprinted pass the stunned checkout girls, but came to a screeching halt when he felt the lobsters clutching his manhood. The thorney creatures were finally removed when emergency medics pried them loose with pliers. Doctors say the thief will fully recover from his frightening tangle with the lobsters, but he will never be a daddy. "Basically it was a do it yourself vasectomy," said the doctor. "The patient will be restored in time but will not be able to father children." The thief's painful prank landed him in the hospital where he is expected to remain for three or four weeks. But thanks to a kindhearted supermarket manager he will not be charged."The guy's gone through enough pain," said the manager. "I think he's learned his lesson, I don't think he will steal again.

--- Romanian Man Lends Support to Fight Against Impotency --- ROMANIA - A Romanian man has lent his "support" to the fight against impotency. Ioan Dumitru, from Ploiesti County, Prahova, has made a wooden scaffolding that holds the penis up in a specially designed pair of underpants. According to Dumitru, he has personally tested it and the penis remains erect even after the pants are taken off. He is keeping the price low because poor people also suffer from impotency. Dumitru concluded by stating, "This is a revolution for the sex industry."

The Bunny Died Sorry to bring you this tragic news! Today, the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 842 last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going, and going. "Pinkie," as he was known to his friends and family, was alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kep coming, and coming, and coming...

Real Condom Brands: 1. Billy Boy (Germany) 2. Enormex (U.K.) 3. Euroglider (Netherlands) 4. Happy Face (New Zealand) 5. Honeymoon Super Stimulation (Germany) 6. Jiffi Exciter (U.K.) 7. Licks (U.S.A.) 8. Mamba (Sweden) 9. Power Play (U.S.A.) 10. Skin Less Skin (Japan)

A female salamander inseminates herself. At mating time, the male deposits a jellylike substance containing the sperm. The female draws the jelly into herself. Every year, 11,000 Americans injure themselves while trying out bizarre sexual positions. A female orgasm is a powerful painkiller (because of the release of endorphins), so headaches are in fact a bad excuse not to have sex.

"Insurance Companies" 1st Insurance man - sleeps with own wife That's "Home Insurance" 2nd Insurance man - sleeps with girl friend That's "Mutual Benefit' 3rd Insurance man - sleeps with chorus girl That's "New York Life" 4th Insurance man - sleeps with secretary That's "Employees Mutual Benefit" 5th - Insurance man - sleeps with hotel maid That's "Travelers aid" 6th - Insurance man - sleep with woman next door That's "Royal Neighbors" 7th - Insurance man - sleeps with old maid That's "Prudential" 8th - Insurance man - sleeps with grandma That's "Old Age Assistance" 9th - Insurance man - sleeps with nobody That's "John Hancock" 10th - Insurance man - sleeps with anybody That's "Metropolitan" 11th - Insurance man - sleep with boyfriend That's "Odd Fellow" 12th - Insurance man - sleeps with Charlie McCarthy That's "Lumberman's Mutual" In case anyone gets pregnant from all of this, That's "Industrial Accident"

+----------------- Bizarre Sexual Trivia ------------------+ In many cultures, an unmarried woman is considered a virgin, even if she's a prostitute. It's only after marriage that she loses her virginity. According to the Kinsey Report, half of the men raised on farms have had a sexual encounter with an animal. The name of Wyoming's Grand Tetons mountain range literally means "Big Tits". White women and those women with a college degree in partic- ular are the most receptive to anal sex. 55 percent of women say they've faked an orgasm at one time or another. 33 percent of women admit they moan in bed, 7 percent shriek and 13 percent laugh. The most popular sexual position is missionary, followed by the woman on top and "doggie style." Every year, 11,000 Americans injure themselves while trying out bizarre sexual positions.

Israeli Guido, an intelligence officer from Isreal, is out picking up chicks in Tel Aviv. While at his favourite bar, he manages to attract one rather nordic looking blonde woman. So they're back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. Proud of his rugged background and years in the IDF, he forces himself to last as long as possible. He climaxes loudly. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, "So .... you finish?" After a slight pause she replies, "No." Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the last... and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, "So ..... you finish?" And again, after a short pause, she simply says "No." Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent. Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette ... lights it again, and then asks, "So ... you finish?" To which her pleasured reply is, "No. I'm Swedish."

She's from Sveeeeeden.

uh huh!!! Disclaimer: The poster of the following does not espouse the thoughts the men are expressing! When a teenage girl smiles at a boy, he tries to decide what makes him so sexy. When a young lady smiles at a man in his fifties, he turns around to see who's the handsome dude behind him. But when a female of any age smiles at a man of 80, he looks down to see if he's unzipped.

Great News Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil. After one day: The first worm -- dead Second worm -- dead Third worm -- dead Fourth worm -- alive Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms.

shakespearean Pick-up lines Shakespeare's pickup lines - "Of course, 'Romeo and Gertrude' is just a working title. I might be persuaded to change it for you, M'Lady." "Shall I compare thee to a brick outhouse?" "If I whispered in thine ear that thou hadst a body of beauty unknown but to the heavens, wouldst thou hold it against me?" "Wouldst thou care to join me in forming the beast with two backs?" "My heart, it pines, as my trousers tent." "Without thine companionship, dear lady, I fearest I'd spend the evening with pen in hand, if thou knows what I mean." "Hey, Baby, can Ophelia up?" "Is this a dagger I see before me? Nay! I'm merely happy to cast eyes upon thy beauty!" "Wouldst thou away to yon Motel 6 with me?" "Do me, or not do me. THAT is the question."

sorry - it was all I could find and this place is dead at the moment. *sigh*

Keep plugging.

:-) very good!

Ahhhh, it's nice to know there are discerning browsers out there! "Organizers of the first 'National Orgasm Week' held this year were very disappointed with the results obtained. It seems at least three-quarters of the women polled just pretended to celebrate it." ---Unknown

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? ---Unknown

Where else on earth but in Texas where everything has to be BIGGER?! HOUSTON, Texas - A new non-surgical breast enlargement gadget will be available in the United States this month. The Brava system focuses mainly on a computerized bra that the woman must wear ten hours a day for ten weeks. The two plastic cups, which reportedly induce cell growth, are linked to a computer. The cups pull the breast tissue like the suction of a vacuum. The system will cost form $2000 to $2500, and according to a doctor overseeing the testing, each participant experienced an increase in cup size.

I can pull breast tissue like the suction of a vacuum, and I can do it for a hell of a lot less than $2000 per cup ;-)

Hmmm...since I have a texan and an Englishman reading this efidying stuff: An Englishman, an American and a Texan are called upon to take a lie detector test. The Englishman says: "I think I can empty 20 bottles of wine". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "Ok", he says, "10 bottles". And the machine is silent. The American says: "I think I can eat 15 hamburgers". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "Allright, 8 hamburgers". And the machine's silent. The Texan says: "I think...", BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ goes the machine.

I was just thinking along those lines. Much more satifying, one would think with that personal "touch"... Way to go, Mike!

I like to give my breast-enhancement clients a very, very personal service :-) Although, I have to say, the object of my trip to Paris last weekend required no breast-enlargment / -enhancement whatsoever ;-)))

Paris? In the spring? Surely you could *Squeeze* in a little cross-channel personal contact...*sigh* Sounds sooooo romantic!

In a recent FDA study, identical doses of Viagra were administered weekly to an equal number of doctors and lawyers. While the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.

Hormone Hostage Guide The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other. DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT? SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown. SAFEST: Wow! Look at you! DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: Could we be overreacting? SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars. DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

-- New Facts About British Sexuality: Apparently It Exists -- London - Britons need no longer hang their heads in shame, they're good at sex, and have a lot of it. This study, due out July 3, has exploded the myths surrounding British sexuality and destroyed the reputations of some other nations in the process. Here's the details: The average Brit has sex 2,580 times in his or her life with five different people, and some 42 percent of Britons manage a bit of sexual infidelity. Italians, long regarded as sex legends, are the least sexually active people in Europe... less than 100 times a year. And when they have sex it lasts less time than anywhere in Europe (14 minutes). Brazilians have the greatest endurance, with sex lasting an average of 30 minutes. Thailand produces sprinters who have sex the quickest (10 minutes on average).

That's an interesting set of stats regarding British sexuality. I would have to say, having had sex with both American girls and English ones, the English ones were far more open-minded, enthusiastic and generally talented. It seems to me that, deep-down, American girls have a very puritanical opinion about sex. I've just discovered that French girls aren't too bad either ;-)

Oh Mike - don't tar us all with the same brush. I heard Englishmen were lousy lovers but I know that cannot be all of them! Neither is it for American women. Trust me on this - I can name names! Congrats on your international addition!

I guess I don't have a completely representative example...I'll just have to go out and find more victims. I mean, willing partners ;-)

A man doing market research knocking on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small chirldren running around at her feet. He said, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" She said," Yes. My husband and iuse it all the time." "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex" The researcher was a little taken aback. He said,"Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, i know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?" The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and i put it on the door knob, and it keeps the kids out.

Receptivity always enhances the expereice. Don't forget the vaseline for the door knobs!

Good one.

Why E-mail Is Like a Penis 1. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. 2. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior. 3. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it. 4. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "Email Envy." 5. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done. 6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun. 7. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses. 8. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. 9. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. 10. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble. And the last reason is.... 11. If you play with it too much, you go blind.

very good :-)) enjoyed that one

I suspect there were more than a few lurkers who did, as well. I am enough of a lady to know better but could not resist sharing that one! Glad you enjoyed!

THE MOST DANGEROUS SNAKE IN THE WORLD NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake) LOCATION: Throughout the entire world DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin) Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly dangerous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet) * Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species. SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen! HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places. ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men. WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected. CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow. SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success. SEARCHING FOR ANTI-VENOM : 1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front. 2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion. 3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, very rigid and start spitting. 4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked. 5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes. CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet...

:-)

It's nice to be appreciated! *;)

Q: Did you here about the great VIAGRA robbery. Three men are being sought for stealing a truckload of the new wonder drug! A: Police are searching for three hardened criminals!

CUCKOO CLOCK The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight... "promise!" Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easy. At 3am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Got away with that one, I thought! Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'oh f**k,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more.... then threw up."

A newlywed couple are in their hotel room getting ready to have sex again, when the guy says to his bride, "Honey, this time I want to have anal sex." "Can you get pregnant doing that?" she asked. "Of course you can," he replied, "where do you think lawyers come from?"

hehehehe...that one made me laugh out loud :-)