"The spirit is often most free when the body is satiated with pleasure; indeed, sometimes the stars shine more brightly from the gutter than from the hilltop." --W. Somerset Maugham

"There will be sex after death; we just won't be able to feel it." --Lily Tomlin

"Sex is an emotion in motion." --Mae West

The Lily Tomlin one is hilarious! ha-ha! Where do you find these things?

oh, here and there...

"Sex will outlive us all." --Samuel Goldwyn

"Lord, I wonder what fool it was that first invented kissing!" --Jonathan Swift

"The sexual embrace can only be compared with music and with prayer." --Havelock Ellis

The end of the male species as we know it. US5501650: Automated masturbatory device A variable speed motor powering a crankshaft driven sealed transducer producing pneumatically induced reciprocating motion of a receiver when a male organ is inserted. The present invention employs a hermetic system to prevent loss of synchronization. The receiver is designed with an inner liner compliant enough to accommodate a plurality of sizes and shapes of male penises. The present invention produces a stroke of approximately 3 inches at a frequency of up to 350 per minute.

Thanks Paul for pulling me out of workmode today! I read that whole damn thing and didn't get it until the end! And at that I realized I was just 'a little' too focused on the job at hand (EXCUSE the pun!) took a lunch time walk and feel much better!

It was really fun and enjoyable. I want to do it again and again. Thanks!

In the early part of the century, medical doctors often manipulated the female genitals to orgasm as a standard cure for many problems. This lead to the creation of the vibratror, supposedly so the doctor wouldn't have to use his fingers.

Ooops, I mis-spelled vibrator.

just as long as you don't mis-use one... Welcome, Robert!

OK, what happened to this topic? Did everyone give up talking about it for actually doing 'it'...?!

Suddenly, everything in this conference is off limits and I am still learning. Guess I have to learn about it on the streets 'cause I'm not hearing much in here. But, on topic: Big Haul of Contraband Condoms TIRANA (Reuters) - Police in southern Albania made a record haul of five million contraband condoms from Greece with a street value of $700,000, a daily reported Friday. The truck driver told police his cargo was exempt from customs duty as they were a gift from humanitarian groups to encourage safe sex among the impoverished Balkan nation's 3.3 million people, the Gazeta Shqiptare said. The condoms are being guarded by police while authorities decide what to do with them. Albania is trying to crack down on smuggling especially of fuel, cigarettes and coffee since customs duties account for some 60 percent of budget revenues.

I was quoting Reuters...but I see i should be quoting someone notable and delicious to read...*grin*

17TH CENTURY CONDOMS AT MUSEUM Condoms made in the 17th century were on display at the British Museum in London for National Science Week. The sheaths, made of animal intestine, had to be softened in warm milk overnight before use. The condoms were found at Dudley Castle in the West Midlands in a keep latrine which was sealed when the Royalist castle was attacked by Roundheads.

Amazing stuff our ancestors left behind thinking it would be gone forever. Wonder if they are gonna check them for DNA...! Thanks, Maggie! Fancy meeting you in this conference *grin*

Soak them over night? That took some planning unless the guys planned ahead?!

Wellll I thought that if you were here it shouldn't be too bad. Anyway I wanted to see what you were up to *grin* I bet the guys didn't soak em! guess who did. I'm off before i get caught!

Yup! The ones who stood the greatest risk, no doubt about it! No one shall ever know we were in here...much...*smile* I'm gonna sneak out unobserved, as well. See you in another topic!

Oh, what lies there are in kisses. ---Heinrich Heine Wanton kisses are the keys of sin. ---Nicholas Breton I spent five years in the air force, and if it wasn't for sexual harassment no one would have talked to me at all. An officer accused me of being a lesbian. I would have denied it, but I was lying naked on top of her at the time. ---Lynda Montgomery

This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence. ---Vyvyan, The Young Ones

"The bottom line is that (a) people are never perfect, but love can be, (b) that is the one and only way that the mediocre and vile can be transformed, and (c) doing that makes it that. We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love." --Tom Robbins

The Ramses brand condom is named after the great Pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.

sort of didn't work did it?

Maybe they named them W A Y after him ( and not just after him...too late to be of help in his case. But he sure was not a good advert! What are you doing up at this hour? I am just about to shut down. I have been naughty as you will no double see =?

(i posted it last night! it's now 9.30am and i've just got up) after his virility perhaps?

I think it is a good option...for example, if you don't use these you just might end up with 160 kids?! That oughta sell them if nothing else does!

do you know the old one about the bastards revenge - he works in a condom factory. (think about it) there were chocolate flavoured ones in the student union shop together with the other choccy shaped things.

Well, for some ladies chocolate works almost as well as ...well, the other, but as much as I like chocolate, it does nothing like that for me. My problem perhaps or my good fortune?! This reminds me of a joke, but I think I will not mention it unless I can find it easily...

At the Student Union shop? Gives new meaning to Student Union, doesn't it?!

(even T. is chuckling!)

"Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind; And therefore is wing'd Cupid painted blind." Helena in Shakespeare's A Midsummer-Night's Dream [I.i.234-235]

"Come out of the circle of time / And into the circle of love." --Jalal ud-Din Rumi (1207-73)Persian poet, one of greatest Sufi poets

"Lechry lechery! Still wars and lechry. Nothing else holds fashion." --Thersites in Shakespeare's Troilus and Cressida [V.iii.231-3]

A professor was asked to give a talk on "Sex". When his turn came, he stood, walked to the podium, adjusted the microphone just so. He said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure . . ." And he sat back down.

Two old men were comparing their sex lives. First Guy - "I can still do it twice!" Second Guy - "Impressive, which time is best?" First Guy - "I think the winter."

"Is there no military policy how virgins might blow up men?" Helena in Shakespeare's All's Well That Ends Well (I.i.123-4)

He said that I would look more attractive if I were shaved. He said I would love the nakedness of it all. He said it was stylish. He said I would feel cleaner. He said it wouldn't hurt. He said he had been thinking about this for a long time. He said he would do it himself. He said he would be careful. He said he would go slow. He said was ready to begin. He said to lay down. He said that he would help me relax. He said he loved me. He said he felt like an artist. He said he was done. He said he adored the way it looked. He said he was pleased with his work. He said he wanted to show me off. He said he needed to take me out like this. He said that he wanted people to see me like this. He said we would have a most exciting day. He said he would be right back. He said he had to get his shoes on. * * * * I said... Well I didn't say anything. Poodles don't talk.

"Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK." --Steven Wright

Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex. --Karl Marx

Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%... Wedding cake

Seduction School Trains Lonely Hearts PARIS (Reuters) - As spring blossoms in the world's most romantic city, the loneliest of hearts are paying for lessons in love. Frustrated Parisians are turning to classes at the city's School of Seduction where instructors promise to teach even the most timid men and homeliest women to approach the opposite sex with Casanova-like confidence. ``We teach men to dare,'' said Veronique Jullien, 42, the flamboyant founder and head of the school. After a psychological profile to identify potential weak points, candidates move on to one-on-one lessons or role-playing exercises with one of the school's several seduction coaches.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. --Woody Allen

GIVING THEM WHAT THEY WANT The Student Assembly at New York's Binghamton State University has voted 23-7 in favor of a resolution that the campus video store stock more adult videos for students to rent. A school spokeswoman told the New York Post that university officials will consider the matter over the summer, but university president Lois DeFleur told the paper that if students want to rent porn videos they can go off-campus to get what they want. DeFleur told the paper the university is "strongly opposed to censorship," but at the same time she does "not feel that the university is obligated to make available all kinds of materials to students." The video store is run by students and uses no public funds, according to a university spokeswoman.

"If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?" - Lily Tomlin *** "There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children and children love hamsters." - Alice Thomas Ellis *** "I'm afraid I was very much the traditionalist. I went down on one knee and dictated a proposal which my secretary faxed over straight away." - Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie

OK, guys, the old man has gone to bed in the back bedroom with the door closed. I am alone here. Anyone wish to talk?

Hey Springtail! Is the new name something for me to look forward too?

Indeed! I have missed you!

Btw, I am alone - wanna talk?

Yes. Where?

Either place - your choice. Both of mine are active.

Should other eyes see? Or should we get off spring?

Probably off spring for personal stuff...

but multitask so we can check out your relative on History 8 and the Indigo pearls on Geo 18....

Marcia- Just got in a call on my IAM. Important enough that I need to call them back. I'll get back on line later. Bye for now.

Bye, Sweetie!

..sure wish I knew what an IAM is... I guess it means I AM not going to hear from him again very soon...

Nope! It is Internet Answering Service - I just figured it out - duh! It lets you know if someone is trying to get through to you when your only house line is connected to your modem. Takes voice messages. Good idea! *** The clerk showed the guy the store's most expensive perfume. "This is called 'Perhaps'," said the sales clerk. "It's $285 per ounce." "Listen," the guy shot back, "for $285 an ounce, I don't want something called 'Perhaps'; I want something called, "You Can Bet Your Happy ASS You'll Get Some!"

He needed some pherenomes.

...for sure! 6 Presidents on a sinking boat......... Ford says: -What do we do? Bush says: -Man the lifeboats! Reagan says: -What lifeboats? Carter says: -Women first! Nixon says: -Screw the women! Clinton says: -You think we have time?

I love it!

*grin* So did I...

New Tax....on sex ! I think we could balance the Federal Budget if we taxed sex. Everyone would pay their share. Young people would pay more taxes and your tax liability would decrease as you got older. (some of us) It would also promote family values. How would you like to come home to your wife and have her ask, Honey, why is your tax bill larger than mine? Or be a teenager and come home to your dad standing there with your tax bill in his hand. We wouldn't have to pay people to work for the IRS, they would be paying to work there just so they could review peoples returns. Locker room conversations would change... Get a load of this tax bill! The forms would change a little also. We would now have a 1040Quickee. And it would give a whole new meaning to the phrase.. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. --Kramer Wetzel, home of the Texas Shakespeare Massacre http://www.astrofish.net

I don't know where to put this, but in here seems safe - no one comes in here to see what I am posting... If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!) If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!) The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death. (Creepy!) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males' head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....") Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be pig...quality over quantity!) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, geez! I really didn't need to know that) Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing...) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I really didn't need to know that either) An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too!) Polar bears are left-handed. (Who knew? Who cares!)? Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about the pig?)

*What has three teeth and sixty feet? The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

*LOL* and apes also have sex for pleasure. too much discovery channel, what can i say?

Yup!

Chicken Soup for the Beer Drinker's Soul "Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.' " -Jack Handy "If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose." -Jack Handy "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?" -Stephen Wright "He was a wise man who invented beer." -Plato "Work is the curse of the drinking class." -Oscar Wilde "A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her." -W.C. Fields "What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?" -W.C. Fields "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." -Frank Sinatra "The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober." -William Butler Yeats "People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot." -Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI "All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer." -Homer Simpson "An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools." -Ernest Hemingway "Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." -Ernest Hemingway "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" -Brian O'Rourke "Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world." -Kaiser Wilhelm "Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer." -Dave Barry "You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer." -Frank Zappa "I drink to make other people interesting." -George Jean Nathan "They who drink beer will think beer." -Washington Irving "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." -Dave Barry "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." -Mark Twain "You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance." -Edward Flaherty "Question everything. Learn something. Answer nothing." -Engineer's Motto "Look alive. Here comes a buzzard." -Pogo, character in "Pogo", comic strip by Walt Kelly

Let's see how many I can offend with this... What do you get when you cross a Chinese person and a hooker? Someone who'll suck your laundry clean.

In case you missed this little item I posted elsewhere on Spring... WHERE WAS THE FIRST HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION? The first such house on record may have been Ka-Kum, located in the city of Erech (or Uruk) in Sumer and dating back to about 300 B.C. The first brothels in Europe were located in Athens about 600 B.C. These nonprofit operations sanctioned by the leader Solon charged men 1 cent per visit.

" When forced to choose between two evils, try the new one. " --Unknown

* Memorial Day Beer Troubleshooting * SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender. SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth. SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. FAULT: You are dancing on the table. ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking. SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear. FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. ACTION: Punch him. SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. FAULT: You have been in a fight. ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. ACTION: See if they have free beer. SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. FAULT: The beer is too weak. ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves. SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. FAULT: Beer is just right. ACTION: Play air guitar.

Here are some pick-up lines that work every time!!!! (that's what they said...never been subjected to a pick-up line, actually!) 1. Baby, your so fine, I want to pour milk all over you and make you part of my complete breakfast. 2. Can I have fries with that shake! 3. If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen. 4.When does your centerfold come out. 5. If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together. 6. Your daddy must of been a drug dealer 'cause you're dope. 7. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand. 8. Is your name Gillette? ...because you're the best a man can get.

Q: What is the difference between men and women:.... A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need... A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. Q: How does a man keep his youth? A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds. Q: What's the best way to kill a man? A: Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearin one and got hit by a bus. ---Bob Rubin

Never Merry woman with big hands, it makes your dick look smaller. ---Unknown

The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor. "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm an Egg.' From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?" The sperm nodded affirmatively. Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm. He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball. When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm!" The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a tonsil."

Q: What is the definition of "Endless Love." A: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

"President Clinton of the USA" Anagram: "To copulate he finds interns."

Warning signs that your lover is bored: 1. Passionate kisses 2. Frequent sighing 3. Moved, left no forwarding address. ---Matt Groening

"The world wants to be cheated. So cheat." -- Xaviera Hollander

"The definition of a beautiful woman is one who loves me." -- Sloan Wilson

* A group of athletes and administrators of the traditional Turkish sport of oil wrestling (grappling contests made more interesting by heavy applications of olive oil) protested to the government in April when they discovered that an organization of gay men was planning to attend a major tournament in July near the city of Edirne to ogle. (According to a Reuters news service reporter, "Putting a hand down the opponent's trousers to get a better grip is a common tactic.")

Thought for the day : " Music is the only sensual pleasure without vice. "

In January, a Philadelphia city-funded community organization published a pamphlet on health and safety tips for prostitutes, which recommended always getting on top, negotiating price before getting into a car, and getting the money in advance. Also in January, a member of the Canadian Parliament released a list of recent pamphlets directly funded by the government, including "How to Communicate With the Dead," "How to Stimulate the G-spot," and "How to Understand and Enjoy an Orgasm."

Jewish foreplay is three hours of begging. Italian foreplay is "Maria, I'm home." ---Milton Berle

Oops! Two insurance salesmen who were lifelong friends were jumping up and down on their hotel bed in the Ramada Renaissance Hotel in Manchester after having a few drinks, pretending to be gay for a laugh from the two women they had brought to their room. Unfortunately, one of the men stumbled and both men bounced off the bed and through the nearby window, falling 100 feet to their deaths.

Chinese Proverbs 1. Virginity like bubble, one prick - all gone. 2. Man who run in front of car get tired. 3. Man who run behind car get exhausted. 4. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. 5. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. 6. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. 7. Man with one chopstick go hungry. 8. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. 9. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. 10. Baseball is wrong; man with four balls cannot walk. 11. Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth. 12. War does not determine who is right; war determine who is left. 13. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. 14. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. 15. It take many nails to build crib, only one screw to fill it. 16. Man who drive like hell bound to get there. 17. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. 18. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. 19. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. 20. Man who fart in church sit in own pew. 21. Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Sorry - no good quotes lately....hope you enjoy this little story... A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for travelling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name. "Fred" he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred." The officer let him go without even a warning.

The first recorded uses of condoms date back to 13th century BC in Egypt. They used oiled, animal bladders and intestines. There are some cave drawings in France dating back to 100 AD. Why the artist would memorialize condoms on cave walls is still a mystery.

+----------------- Bizarre Sexual Trivia ------------------+ Kellogg's Corn Flakes were invented by a Dr. Kellogg in hopes that they would reduce masturbation. Middle Eastern cave paintings reveal that men used to have sex with female crocodiles because they believed that it would make them rich and important. Erect giraffe penises are four feet long. Extra breasts - a condition called "polymastia" - are rare, but not entirely unheard of. In 1886 there were two women who each had ten breasts, all of which secreted milk. In eighteenth-century France, a woman named Madame Ventre, who lived in Marseilles, had a fully functioning, lactating breast that stuck out of her left thigh just below the waist. In April 1970, Gloria Sykes won a $50,000 judgment against San Francisco's transportation system for her injuries sustained in a cable car accident. The main crux of her argument revolved around the fact that she was now a nymphomaniac: she once had sex fifty times within a five day period.

"A woman talks to one man, looks at a second, and thinks of a third." - Bhartrihari (ca. 625)

Recurring Themes One of the widely reported stories of 1993 was the Vinton, La., crash of a car containing 20 naked Pentecostals from Floydada, Texas, who had received word from God that they should discard all their worldly possessions to make it more difficult for Satan to catch up to them. In April 2000, in the Houston suburb of Sugar Land, a state trooper stopped a car containing three women and a 3-year-old girl, all of whom were naked and who told the officer that God had told them to burn their clothes, drive to Wal-Mart, and buy new clothes. Said the trooper, "It's always something. No two days are the same in this job."

Murder is a crime. Describing murder is not. Sex is not a crime. Describing sex is. ---Gershon Legman (b. 1917) American writer

"Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex." "Okay sweetheart," the groom replied. "Just make sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink. If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex. But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn't matter."