<b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>

Ohmigod, preserved for posterity. Mummified in cyberspace! There is a God, but what a screwed-up sense of humor she has. Thank you...thank you...thank you

html does not work in the creation process. hmmm... Welcome, John...how about a few well chosen words for your fans...?!

Well, Marcia, there's you...and my Mom, if she is my fan, is not cyber capable

Man, you're quick! I barely had it created when I posted and you had gotten there ahead of me. Well done! I thought this might be something you would appreciate!

a well-placed kiss on your umlaut bedecked feet might be appropriate!

There are more...just hang around and watch the latest posts on http://www.spring.net/yapp-bin/restricted/confifty/food or whatever conference has the least distracting background...

Oooh...you say the nicest things...*smile*

Yo, John, congrats! I only got Screwed by a hairy Texan in a dress... Who is one heck of a guy, though... Anyways, you got any fancy dresses around, hmh? Die Sache mit dem Umlaut habe ich nicht ganz verstanden, but then, somethings must be left unexplained, to leave at least some thrill and mystery in our miserable existence, no?

That was the same hairy Texan who did me, but I do not recall a dress...

I didn't know that someone could bust me for cross-dressing from cyberspace! Mathmaticians would call my knowledge of German language "the empty set." But I did laugh at an aside in the menu in the Nietzsche Deli (home of the Ubersandwich) which proudly proclaimed, "Gouda is Dead!"

The Millenium Bug (original author unknown--rewritten/edited by John Burnett) T'was the eve of Two Thousand, And all through the nation We awaited The Bug, The Y2K sensation. The chips were replaced In computers with care, In hopes that ol' Bugsy just might not stop there. While some people thought They were snug in their beds There were others with visions Of dread in their heads. My Ma with her PC, And I with my Mac Had just logged on the Net and kicked back with a snack. When over the server, arose such a clatter I called Mister Gates To see what was the matter. But he was away, So I flew like a flash To my bank's ATM To withdraw all my cash. When what with my wondering eyes should I see? My trusty old Mac looking sickly to me. The hack of all hackers Was looking so smug, I knew that he must be The Y2K Bug! His image downloaded in less than a flash, He whistled and shouted, Let all systems crash! Go Intel! Go Gateway! Now HP! Big Blue! Celeron, K6 and Pentium, too! All processors big, and all processors small, Crash away! Crash away! Crash away all! Air traffic control and all airplanes in flight All microwaves, railroads, and all traffic lights. As slowly I inhaled and turned back around, then out through the modem, He came with a bound. He was covered with fur, and slung over his back Was a sack full of viruses, set for attack. His eyes how they twinkled! His dimples--how merry! As midnight approached, though things soon became scary. He had a broad face and a round little belly, And his bag filled with viruses quivered like jelly. He was chubby and plump, and perpetually grinning, and he seemed overjoyed as my hard drive stopped spinning. With a wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, I started to know the true meaning of dread. He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, He changed all the clocks, and then turned with a jerk. With a twitch of his nose, and a quick little wink, all things electronic soon went on the blink. He zoomed from my system, to others online. He caused such disruption, could this be a sign? Then I heard him exclaim, with a loud, hearty scream, "Happy Y2K all!" As I woke from my dream.

Translation available: http://www.tu-chemnitz.de/urz/netz/forms/dict.html

Yours is better, John (the Y2K poem) - the submission was by someone named Michael C. Vinson.

Thank you for that Marcia and Mr. Vinson (whoever you are)...I often see parodies with uneven meter and rewrite/edit them before sending them on. I also posted it in "Poetic Caricatures"

Pretzel Logic Thought it's been baked, it's not still hot. One side is burned, the other not. It's dough is twisted, tied, and turned and for its crunch my taste buds yearned. Some salt on one side was employed, but on the other side, devoid. Oh pretzel, small and golden brown I want a beer to wash you down!

That last piece of food related doggerel is original, copyright 1993, John Burnett

You are making me hungry and I have already eaten lunch...I like that one...I really like pretzels...and cold draft Michelob...

Oh, and BTW, there is a � next time you need to mention your copyright...

Too lazy to look at the moment...will give myself an HTML crash course when not posting

....but it is in the Character map with the umlaut and � thingy.

mahalo

*smile* ...anytime!

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off the at the next stop. When the bus starts on its way again, the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you." The hippie decides this is a great idea, so the next Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying so the hippie jumped out from hiding and says, "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, BUT ... first you must have sex with me." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she can keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun. After the hippie finishes he stands up, rips off the mask and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!" Then the nun jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!"

Now, I've done it! I think I've offended myself...

Why do you think I sent it to you rather than posting it?! (from my ex, too!)

I'm not aware of getting that joke from you. The e-mail I copied came from another friend. Maybe yours is still waiting for me to be checked. ;) We seem to get a lot of the same stuff from both each other and independent sources, as well.

Q. What is the toughest golf foursome to play behind? A. Monica Lewinsky, OJ Simpson, Ted Kennedy, and Bill Clinton. Monica is a hooker, OJ is a slicer, Kennedy can't drive over water, and Clinton doesn't know which hole to play.

HA-HA!!!!! That nun joke is BRILLIANT, John! And, in Afrikaans we have a saying when something that we use when something is very funny - I shall use it here: �laughing like a nun on a carrot truck�

John looked fabulous tonight. It was such fun talking to a real live guy for a change. Happpy Marcia *grin*

Thanks, Marcia...as always, I appreciate your support!

The nun on the carrot truck is a funny line. I've always wondered about nuns and produce!

ha-ha! Yeah! MARCIA, DETAILS PLEASE!!!!

I'll give you honest details. I'm still, as you put it "a bear." Am still over 300 pounds. But a slowly shrinking one. If you need independent confirmation, I'm sure Marcia (who has always been wonderful to me no matter how I've looked) can talk to you in INNER where she can say whatever she wants without me seeing it.

His outsides are getting very distingusihed-looking. His neat beard is greying nicely, and his blue eyes still sparkle with great humor. But what I have always appreciated was the man inside. He has always been the Southern Gentleman, except for the time he implied that the only ladies who appreciated him were either old enough to be his mother (hush your mouth, John!) or already married...or some such line... He sells himself short on occasion, but when he has whipped himself into shape, he is gonna e one Hell of a Great looking guy - as well as a truly nice guy to know with an intellect and sense of humor which does not quit. He is very special, indeed!

Oh, John, BTW, I would have given some serious part of my life to have been able to sit with you and Alton at last night's game. Two of my favorite real-life brains and me in the back/middle/front - wherever - would have been such fun. Alas, my O'O (Obsessive Other) would not tolerate that for a second and there would have been a terrible scene...*sigh*...and all we would have done is to talk...! And, not even dirty or suggestive or anything O'O could not have heard.

It's the gentleman, intelligent, funny, suggestive and dirty bit I was interested in! John, honestly, you should not be so over-concerned with the way you look. The whole bother of appearance; I just don't understand it. I mean, whether people weigh 300 pounds or 200 or 100, whether they're pretty or ugly or tall or short - it won't last either way. People grow old and die. Even Tom Cruise - who, as I said is pretty uncool.

Hear! hear! ...and John is very cool, IMHO *smile* and I can eyeball him and listen to his dulcet tones live and in person. I am a happy person, but he will not be at the games tomorrow - he has radio show till noon our time then has to chaperone a dance in the evening, which does not explain why he cannot come to the Civic and entertain me - O'O will be absent all day working on another guy's house...

I might show up for a short time in the afternoon. But also need to grade papers and take a nap. Here is a classic, timeless piece of wisdom that may deserve a better forum than "Screwed." But this allegedly is MY forum, so I post this as proudly as I post the poems of e.e. cummings and W.B. Yeats and more proudly than my own. The Invitation By Oriah Mountain Dreamer, Native American Elder It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing. It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive. It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human. It doesn't interest me if the story you're telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself, if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty every day, and if you can source your life from God's presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!" It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children. It doesn't interest me to know who you are, how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back. It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Even if I never meet my S'O, I can be alone with myself as I have for nearly a decade, and even if I talk to myself, I know someone intelligent is listening!

Remember the song "Diana" by Paul Anka? Earlier this year, I wrote some new lyrics for it and recorded it. It became kind of a cult item locally when I played it on the radio--even though my boss hated it and told me to cease and desist after a couple of weeks. I still get requests. Here are the lyrics. Viagra (tune "Diana" by Paul Anka, lyrics by John Burnett (STANZA I) When I'm down and want some love, there's an angel from above Just ten dollars, a blue pill, and it gives me such a thrill... Pretty soon I'm feelin' up, makes me frisky like a pup Oh, please, stay with me, Viagra (STANZA II) Some who've tried it, they have died, but their joy they could not hide and the smile upon their face, undertakers could not erase And their caskets could not close, rigor mortis had arose Oh, Please stay with me Viagra CHORUS Oh, Viagra, it's for sure You're the miracle impotence cure You make me feel so secure Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh REPEAT STANZA I (repeat final line three times and fade)... lyrics, copyright 1999 John Burnett

Ha--ha!!! The other one was really nice though...

Yes, really, it's too beautiful for "Screwed." Maybe it should be in another conference like "Made Love with Words..."

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints/problems, generally known as squawks, recently submitted by Quantas Pilots to maintenance engineers. After attending to the squawks, maintenance crews are required to log the details of the action taken to solve the pilots squawks. (P = The problem logged by the pilot; S = The solution and action taken by the maintenance engineers) P - Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S - Almost replaced left inside main tire. P - Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. S - Autoland not installed on this aircraft. P - #2 propeller seeping fluid. S- #2 propeller seepage normal - #1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage. P - Something loose in cockpit. S - Something tightened in cockpit. P - Dead bugs on windshield. S - Live bugs on order. P - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent. S - Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S - Evidence removed. P - DME volume unbelievably loud. S - Volume set to more believable level. P - Friction locks cause throttles to stick. S - That's what they're there for. P - IFF inoperative. S - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P - Number 3 engine missing. S - Engine found on right wing after brief search. P - Aircraft handles funny. S - Aircraft warned to "Straighten Up, Fly Right, and Be Serious." P - Target radar hums. S - Reprogrammed target radar with words.

As an experiment, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are placed in separate rooms and left with a can of food, but no can opener. A day later, the rooms are opened, one-by-one. In the first room, the engineer is snoring, with a battered, opened and emptied can. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he beat the can to its failure point. In the second room, the physicist is seen mouthing equations, with a can popped open beside him. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he examined the stress points of the can, applied pressure, and "pop!" In the third room, the mathematician is found sweating, and mumbling to himself, "Assume the can is open, assume the can is open..."

ha-ha!!! Great stuff! Where do you get it all??

Maybe a tenth of my stuff is original. I've also got about a half-dozen e-mail correspondents, including Marcia. Some are fellow radio people and some are writers themselves. Stragely enough, no fellow teachers--except for Marcia's ex (who sometimes e-mails me directly, but I usually get his stuff through her). Many of my teaching colleagues consider my humor obsession frivolous, but I do keep my classes entertained generally, as well as informed. Thanks for looking, posting, and asking, Ree!

John! You're kidding...Frank sometimes emails you?! How neat!!! BTW, I saw John this afternoon at the tournament and we talked a little while during which I discovered that when he was in the Navy he was a radio technician who was also a person who parachuted out of perfectly ok planes. (I would imagine it was to set up a base camp complete with communications behind enemy lines or wherever ordered) Tell us about it, John!!!

I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you... A. I like you too much and B. Killing is not my basic nature!

Oh, damn! That would've been interesting. Especially if you did it with bare hands ...

That's "bear" hands. So, technically, they would be paws.

Riette, would that be the worst case you would like to watch somebody die...? I thought we had this settled...;-)

ha-ha! Under bear hands? No, that one sounds rather pleasant to me. I think I'd go for something like Medea when she poisoned old Jason's lover. 'There followed the most horrible sight I have ever seen. Her complexion changed, she staggered to and fro, she tried desperately to run, her limbs were trembling like leaves when the year is failing, and finally managed to sink into her chair.' And then: '...foam furious on her lips, the pupils of her eyes rolled up, and every drop of blood abandoning her skin. From the circlet of beaten gold upon her head there flowed a pure consuming fire while the incomparably beautiful robes, the gifts of your innocent children, began, with slow, efficient savagery, to eat her immaculate white flesh.' It is stunning to hear on stage; my all-time favourite play. Medea is my heroine.

As cool as I think Greek drama is, I wonder if this doesn't belong in "What is the worst way you'd like to see someone die..."

Speaking of death: FELIX THE FLYING FROG, a Parable About Modern Management. Once upon a time, there lived a man named Clarence who had a pet frog named Felix. Clarence lived a modestly comfortable existence on what he earned working at the Wal-Mart, but he always dreamed of being rich. "Felix!" he said one day, hit by sudden inspiration, "We're going to be rich! I will teach you to fly!" Felix, of course, was terrified at the prospect. "I can't fly, you twit! I'm a frog, not a canary!" Clarence, disappointed at the initial response, told Felix: "That negative attitude of yours could be a real problem. I'm sending you to class." So Felix went to a three-day course and learned about problem solving, time management, and effective communication - but nothing about flying. On the first day of the "flying lessons," Clarence could barely control his excitement (and Felix could barely control his bladder). Clarence explained that their apartment building had 15 floors, and each day Felix would jump out of a window, starting with the first floor and eventually getting to the top floor. After each jump, Felix would analyze how well he flew, isolate the most effective flying techniques, and implement the improved process for the next flight. By the time they reached the top floor, Felix would surely be able to fly. Felix pleaded for his life, but his pleas fell on deaf ears. "He just doesn't understand how important this is," thought Clarence. "He can't see the big picture." So, with that, Clarence opened the window and threw Felix out. He landed with a thud. The next day, poised for his second flying lesson, Felix again begged not to be thrown out of the window. Clarence opened his pocket guide to "Managing More Effectively," and showed Felix the part about how one must always expect resistance when introducing new, innovative programs. With that, he threw Felix out the window-THUD! On the third day (at the third floor), Felix tried a different ploy: stalling. He asked for a delay in the "project" until better weather would make flying conditions more favorable. But Clarence was ready for him: He produced a timeline and pointed to the third Milestone and asked. "You don't want to slip up the schedule, do you?" From his training, Felix knew that not jumping today would only mean that he would have to jump TWICE tomorrow. So he just muttered, "OK, yee-ha, let's go." And out the window he went. Now this is not to say that Felix wasn't trying his best. On the fifth day he flapped his legs madly in a vain attempt at flying. On the sixth day, he tied a small red cape around his neck and tried to think "Superman" thoughts. It didn't help. By the seventh day, Felix, accepting his fate, no longer begged for mercy. He simply looked at Clarence and said, "You know you're killing me, don't you?" Clarence pointed out that Felix's performance so far had been less than exemplary, failing to meet any of the milestone goals he had set for him. With that, Felix said quietly, "Shut up and open the window," and he leaped out, taking careful aim at the large jagged rock by the corner of the building. Felix went to that great lily pad in the sky. Clarence was extremely upset, as his project had failed to fly, he hadn't even learned to steer his fall as he dropped like a sack of cement, nor had he heeded Clarence's advice to "Fall smarter, not harder." The only thing left for Clarence to do was to analyze the process and try to determine where it had gone wrong. After much thought, Clarence smiled and said, "Next time, I'm getting a smarter frog!"

WHAAA!!!! I'm SORRY, John!!! I must've gotten the topics mixed up! God, what a horrible thing to have in your topic. Fergive me, I'll do ANYTHING to make it up! Except sell my virginity...

It's okay...I love Medea, too.

OH, that's great! Shall I post the bit where she slays her children now?

I guess this IS SCREWED, isn't it?

At least she does not feed them to her husband...read Coriolanus for a really nasty dinner scene.

Oh...and there is no man on Earth worth the life of my "child"...not even close! I never quite understood that except as some sort of madness...(of which Greek tragedies are full.)

No, no, it WASN'T madness, you see. See, Jason, through her betrayal of Medea, forfeited the 'right' to be the hero of the play - right? So, Euripides, enlightened soul that he was, sort of switched their roles; Medea was the real hero. And as a hero she took on certain qualities traditionally associated with being male. Had she been male and the hero, killing her enemy's children, thereby destroying his household, would have been the most logical way to punish him. IS there anything cooler than hat?? I bet all those guys attending the theatre the first time the play was performed sat there all smug and sure of their place in society as breadwinners and defenders of their country, until Medea cried out, 'I'd rather stand in the front line three times than give birth to one child!' She is the ultimate heroine, and when I grow up I want to be her.

No, no, it WASN'T madness, you see. See, Jason, through his betrayal of Medea, forfeited the 'right' to be the hero of the play - right? So, Euripides, enlightened soul that he was, sort of switched their roles; Medea was the real hero. And as a hero she took on certain qualities traditionally associated with being male. Had she been male and the hero, killing her enemy's children, thereby destroying his household, would have been the most logical way to punish him. IS there anything cooler than hat?? I bet all those guys attending the theatre the first time the play was performed sat there all smug and sure of their place in society as breadwinners and defenders of their country, until Medea cried out, 'I'd rather stand in the front line three times than give birth to one child!' She is the ultimate heroine, and when I grow up I want to be her.

Enlightenment! You are right, of course. The fall of the house of Atreus was a many-fold tragedy, and I would also liked to have been in the audience to watch the smug men. It makes me wonder about the man who wrote it...but, that is why it is still relevant and stuff written today will be forgotten tomorrow!

Wow...feminist historical and tragedic discourse...although I'm impressed, I probably should bow out completely, being male and all. Except to say that Coriolanus was not some of Shakespeare's better work, madness or no madness. That's why Hamlet is still performed and filmed extensively, and Coriolanus, except for a few Shakespeare festivals, is basically consigned to academic study by those who need to get a life (which, of course, included me, as an English major).

It was good enough for Olivier to keep it in rep when he was at Old Vic... But, you are correct. It is not a great play and it is not a good evening at the theater with which you leave having experienced catharsis or enlightenment.

Olivier could read a laundry list and make it dramatic. So can Kenneth Branagh, Patrick Stewart or James Earl Jones. I'd pay to see them in anything, Coriolanus included! ;)

Absolutely! And there is a large contingent of hightly intelligent ladies who would add Colin Firth to that list. I shall not commit myself on this issue, however.

Your views of the issue of CF are already well known by Springeurs!

Moonshadow Medicine A Mellow Monday Morning Memo for a Lazy Labor Day Weekend Ray Bard is the owner of Bard Press, widely considered to be the most prestigious publisher of business books in America. Like you and me, Ray Bard lives a frantic, hurly-burly life with far too much to do each day and too little time to do it. Recently, Ray clicked my e-mail address by mistake and I was accidentally treated to a rare insight into the mind of this most elite and powerful of publishers. My only question is "Who is Maria?" Maria, Back today and swamped.... Sorry to be so long getting back to you. On Tuesday I woke up and asked myself, "Do I have to go to work today?"...the answer was "no." Ate a quick bite of breakfast, pointed my auto west. One advantage of living on the eastern edge of the Texas Hill Country is that when you head west, you're almost immediately in "The West," and can feel the spirit of the space. There is an old used bookstore about 200 miles away in a town called San Angelo, where stacks and stacks of books from one doorway to another lead to little, crowded rooms packed with tomes from the past. Those books were calling me. The Texas Hill Country is full of rolling hills, live oaks, cedars, rocks of all sizes and lots of livestock, with the occasional human here and there. Most towns have seen their day...shriveling in the hot sun...peeling paint on the houses, some vacant, some not. I stop for gas in tiny Eden, which has a new penal facility -- Texas is big on locking up folks who used nasty drugs and do other things that offend sensible people -- then pass through booming Brady, pop. 5,946, which is getting ready for its annual World Championship Goat BBQ contest on Labor Day weekend. As I get closer to San Angelo, the Hill Country begins to turn into farm country...long rows of cotton, all green and alive, as far as the eye can see on this flatland fed with water gushing forth fro hundreds of feet below the surface. Soon arrived at my old haunt. Talked awhile about the Wild West with the bookstore owner, then asked him where I could find the best chicken-fried steak in town. He directed me to the Dunbar Cafe. Sure enough, a sweet, red haired beauty wearing blue jeans and a big smile brought me two huge slabs of breaded beef with lots of gravy on the side. At the end I was "plumb full," but was somehow able to manage a slice of their homemade coconut cream pie. One of the things that wandering off like this does is to let me see how the rest of the world lives. How that cordial waitress treats everyone like we are really being served. An old couple, barely able to walk, joins the bustle of the place, looking for their usual table. My red-haired angel of country Epicurean delights treats them really special, making sure their every need is catered to...their wish is her command. The sun is still up and I'm hankering for the wide-open spaces again, so I head south to see how far I can make it before it's time to pull over for the evening. Local travelers in pickup trucks, old beat-up autos from Detroit (not many foreign cars out here), and clean Cadillacs wave a greeting as they approach. Usually just a forefinger raised off the steering wheel or some other small signal that says "howdy." An important protocol of the road out West. I'm about out of gas (me, not my auto) by the time I hit the city limits of El Dorado (pop. 2,019). The Shaw Motel (only one in town) has a Vacancy sign lit so I pull in. The squeaky screen door to the office leads me to a small registration window that has an old-fashioned ringer on the side. I push the white button and it goes zzz...zzz? A little white-haired lady, no more than four feet tall and at least eighty years old appears and gently offers me her evening greeting. I, in my best West Texas m nner, offer her the same and inquire about the cost of lodging at her fine place. She replies "Twenty-five dollars and forty-nine cents". I say, "Mighty fine," and fish my money clip out of my pocket (people out here are partial to cash). She offers a receipt, which I decline. As I head out the door, key in hand, she tells me to be sure to let her know if there's anything that I need. I tell her thanks, but that I'm pretty sure I've found what I needed. Ray Bard

BE ON THE LOOK OUT FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES: CLINTON VIRUS Gives you a 7-inch hard drive with NO memory. VIAGRA VIRUS Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy. LEWINSKY VIRUS Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did. RONALD REAGAN VIRUS Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored. MIKE TYSON VIRUS Quits after two bytes. OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB. DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS Deletes all old files. ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS Disks can no longer be inserted. TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of the Lewinsky Virus) Your whole computer goes down (but I think "we go on"). DISNEY VIRUS Everything in your computer goes Goofy :). PROZAC VIRUS Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care. JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS Only attacks minor files. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK. LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS Re-formats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

Shop early for Christmas:

Yet another sign that the apocalypse is upon us!: The World Wrestling Federation has a new theme restaurant opening up in New York City... The Top 12 Menu Items at the WWF Theme Restaurant [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ] 12. Fried Potatoes Slivers that Would Be French Fries if the French Weren't Such Wusses 11. Masked Potatoes 10. Hulk Hoagie 9. Chili Con Carnage 8. Turnbuckleberry Pie a la Moan 7. Omelet made with Egg Substitute and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, served with a Side of Meatless Soy Protein Sausages 6. Sham Pain 5. Veal Creatine 4. Raging Roidberry Milkshakes 3. In Your Open-Face Pork Butt Sandwich 2. "Definitely Not Fake!" Crab Salad and Topfive.com's Number 1 Menu Item at the WWF Theme Restaurant... Jesse "The Vegetable" Tempura

I got this one (and the one about viruses) from a fellow Springeur who liked them but thought them inappropriate for her site (guess who!) Mahalo (thanks!) A fellow enters a confessional. "Father, he said, "forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?" "I lusted," the fellow replied. "Tell me about it," the priest said. The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a delivery man for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in." "And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest. "Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man. "Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son." "A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow asked. The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."

LOL LOL LOL!

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign." Before my wife and I moved from Texas to California our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign." A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign." I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite ou." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it." Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into a roadside gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck,looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign." We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, "Darn, that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

The Top 11 Signs Someone's Been Using Your Hotmail Account [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ] 11. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?" 10. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you. 9. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly. 8. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!" 7. Your inbox is filled with porno and you're not a porno kind of person. 6. You're suddenly getting more SPAM than the Hormel outlet store. 5. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change. 4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week. 3. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" email from your Mom. 2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived. and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Someone's Been Using Your Hotmail Account... "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."

ha-ha!!! You're a disturbed person, aren't you?

Yes...I can't distinguish auburn from carrot. At least I can't if I know it will get a rise out of you! *SMILE. You're on CANDID CURSOR*

Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve: 10. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions. 9. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote. 8. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him. 7. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist or haircut appointment for himself. 6. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb. 5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing. 4. As Keeper of the Garden Adam would never remember where he left his tools. 3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. 2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone! And the number ONE reason that God created Eve: When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than THAT!"

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit, 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing! You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?," the man asks. "Ribbit, 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit, Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit, $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." The man figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name isn't William Jefferson Clinton!"

We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I'd like better. I'd really like for them to know about hand-me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would. My cherished grandson, I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated. I hope you learn to make your bed and mow the lawn and wash the car. And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen. I hope you have a job by then. It will be good if at least one time you can see a baby calf born and your old dog put to sleep. I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in. I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room, but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him. When you want to see a Disney movie and your little brother wants to tag along, I hope you'll let him. I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely. On rainy days when you have to catch a ride I hope your driver doesn't have to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your mom. If you want a slingshot, I hope your dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one. I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books. When you learn to use those newfangled computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head. I hope you get razzed by your friends when you have your first crush on a girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what Ivory soap tastes like. May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn you hand on stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole. I hope you get sick when someone blows cigar smoke in your face. I don't care if you try beer once, but I hope you don't like it. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend. I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your grandpa and go fishing with your uncle. May you feel sorrow at a funeral and the joy of holidays. I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through a neighbor's window and that she hugs you nd kisses you at Christmas time when you give her a plaster of Paris mold of your hand. These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. Written with a pen by your Grandfather, Paul Harvey...Good Day!

Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all- knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and ear y, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

If George W. Bush is elected, Clinton will achieve his proper place in history as the president who was sandwiched between two Bushes!

closing my own damn HTML tag, sorry ar$e that I am!

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow, green, orange and purple. He also had black makeup around his eyes. The old man couldn't help but stare at him. Finally, the boy said, "What's the matter old man--didn't you ever do anything wild in your life?" "Well, yes I have," the old man answered. "I got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend. "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse. I'm sending him over." The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I thee her mouth?" The owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nith mouth. Can I thee her eyeth?" Again, the owner picks up the midget and shows him the eyes. "Ok, what about the earth?" By now the owner is getting a bit irritated, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him the ears. "OK, finally, I'd like to thee her twat." With that, the owner roughly picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out. Shaking his head, the midget says, "perhapth I should rephrath. I'd like to thee her run!"

Ooooh, John...funny!!!

I thought tho.

hmmmmmmm...never noticed his speach impediment before. Must have been due to a surfeit of watching horses twat...*lol*

...speech, either...

remember "peech impediment"?

Indeed, I did...just as my copy was disappearing into permanent immortality, *lol* How could I forget?! (If we go to that game tonight, the Alums never buy anything, there is nothing to sell except tournament left-overs. Someone dropped the ball...and it was not this volunteer. I just may have to watch the game!)

Big Daddy B.T.?

None other than...! Wait till you see where the NAIA banners are. They were taken down and cleaned then rehung by BD-BT and guess who. Neither of them is a light-weight (huge understatement) and they were climbimg little ladders up to the roof rafters. Some day...!

Scary.

..and watching it happen was not fun, either. Sadly, BT was in worse shape than O'O who thinks he is still 15 yrs old (I'm not going to tell him he's not...not when he performs like one !) Think of the dent in that already-warped maple floor they would have left!

O'O looked like he had lost some weight and looked pretty darn solid to me last time I saw him, and if he performs like a 15-year-old, lucky you (who needs Viagra???)

Indeed! Considering the capricious nature of my recent past I think I shall tend the home fires lest they extinguish themselves. Now, if he would only let me have a friend or two... We do not get ESPN2 here, do we? I am listening to the UT - Rutgers game on Broadcast.com (half time and it has been all UT 28-6)

If I keep repeating what I wrote up there on 98 perhaps it will become fact, or at least I will be able to delude myself into believing it. I told someone he was a poet in bed...Edgar Allen Poe...! After this many years he keeps loving me; there is definitely something to be said for that!

Off to grab something to eat then to the UHH gym. See you later!

Shakespeare said "perception is more important than reality."

This is true, and I shall remember that. You missed a good Volleyball match last night. Per usual, the alumnae took it to 5 sets, but the varsity team won in the end. Actually, lots of people missed it. It was to benefit the Booster club but none of the Board members were there. Interesting...!

I fell asleep watching the Rainbows...woke up at the beginning of the fourth quarter. The paper this morning said that the alumnae won the match.

I put it on College Football for you. How did Texas do yesterday - 'snot in our paper this morning.

You are right, the Alumnae won 8-15, 51-3, 15-7, 1-15, 15-3. And I guess I put it in the above post. Wait'll the ladies in Drool hear that our cheerleading captain looks just like Colin Firth! Softball practice begins on the 25th. Good stuff, Softball!

With all of the sharp minds and senses of humor of differing sorts, why is there no Monty Python topic in TV? I cannot believe it has passed them by!

They haven't done a show (except an anniversary show) in over 20 years and time passes everyone by. You can argue that time has not passed by Shakespeare, but it has. In his day, he was the playwright to the masses--everyone from the street vendor to Queen Elizabeth I. Now, Shakespeare is considered stuffy and intellectual, definitely not the stuff of the great unwashed.

...but...but...but Rocky and Bullwinkle are still popular....! Yes, I know...they are shown regularly, but would it not have been a splendid topic for Spring?! Re Shakespeare, after last year's Shakespeare in Love and all that, he is as popular as ever!

I don't buy that. Try teaching it to high school kids who can barely speak English.

I got my first taste of it in school in Jr High school. But we had sizeable vocabularies and knew instinctively whether a sentence had the correct grammar or not. What happened?! (My first volume of Unabridged Shakespeare I asked for and received for my 14th Birthday. Still have it!)

I have mine as well. Now to sell it to the majority of these MTV mind-numbed, self-esteemed dumbed-down teens, you have to put Leo DiCaprio, Claire Danes, and John Leguizamo in it. Then you have to set it in a modern urban setting and use 9 mm pistols instead of swords. As for Shakespeare in Love, it was a critical success and a success with audiences 35+. Only the truly elite of the next generation will hjave any working knowledge of the Bard at all. When we go to it in class, a collective groan goe up. I'm trying to work something out with Jackie Johnson to get her acting students to portray scenes and answer questions for my classes. My kids don't have the verbal, reading, or acting skills to make it come to life in class and no matter how much I love it, I can't put on an hour and a half show all by myself. It's fairly easy to teach it to the GTs and the Honors classes. But the regular "heterogeneously grouped" humanities classes, 90 percent of which are convinced they are going to college an are college material...it's tough to reach all but the top few. I hate the way we English teachers try to teach it, almost as a foreign language, but unless I get help from drama instructors and actors, I don't have a better idea. I'm open to suggestions. At this point, I think you're the only one besides me who reads this "conference."

..it is worse than I though. Thanks for taking the time to write out a well reasoned answer to my comments. Yours and Jackie's colaboration sounds just like what is needed. Unfortunately, the kids on this Island do not hear standard English in the home, and we are turning out more and more teachers who have never heard it or used it. Either we are heading for 3rd world status, or there has to be some huge upheaval in the educational system. What will be your major emphasis in your Doctoral program?.. and what is now, in your Masters?

It is the weekend, John. With the work week the readers and posters will come back. Hunt out where Stacey is posting and pose the question to her. She taught Special Ed, but she quit and went into commerce. She is a good thinker with small mind development at heart. She would give you good suggestions, if there, indeed, are any to be had.

My masters is curriculum instruction. Basically worthless, but the only thing available to me without quitting my job and leaving Hilo. Now Manoa is offering a masters in administration here. Thanks, ---holes. Right when I finish this useful degree, which will get me a small raise, but not a promotion. There's still too damn much build up their self-esteem b.s. in the TECS (Teacher Education and Curriculum Studies) masters, and not enough real instructional improvement training. With the economic ecovery hitting every state but Hawaii and our liberal lack of leadership here and entitlement mentality among those who have been receiving welfare or who have been displaced by the sugar daddy plantation, I don't have a lot of hope for this state. Once our best and brightest leave after high school to go to college, they're out of here. We have nothing to bring them back to. O'O may have chased off your son, but in reality, he probably unintentionally did the young man a favor.

As for a doctorate, I'm 30 grand in debt already. Despite being a good candidate for a doctoral degree, it's not going to happen anytime soon.

You can always continue at your pace later. Doctorates may be accomplished at any time in life. You are right about David and leaving Hilo. He worked in Honolulu in his field, but it was a fairly lonely existance and they paid him minimum wages for his efforts. He needed to get away, and that is the sorry fact. There is nothing that I can foresee that a continuing downward spiral in both education and in the economy. We refuse to enable new clean insustry to develop, but when they manage to, the also impost their own best and brightest. Hawaii - at least this island - is a dead-end street!

Ain't it a shame? At least we two older intellects are still here...and there are some first rate minds like Alton's still at the university, even though they were stupid in what they did to Alan McNarie. Speaking of universities: In a public restroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows. He used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean." The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious." The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from the University of Texas--and they taught us not to piss on our hands."

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And,in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for the ark. "OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blue prints, "I'm your man." Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah. "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board. Then, I h d a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the US Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls. Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind. Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark ithout filling out an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the Supreme Being. Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe. Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunitiy Employment Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a n tice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years." With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully. "No," said the Lord. "The government already has."

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out? Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true. There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path. Anything free is worth what you pay for it. Indecision is the key to flexibility. It hurts to be on the cutting edge. If it ain't broke, fix it till it is. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. I am a nutritional overachiever. My inferiority complex is not as good as yours. I am having an out of money experience. I plan on living forever. So far, so good. I am in shape. Round is a shape. Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths. Practice safe eating-always use condiments. A day without sunshine is like night. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws. I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though. Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Age doesn't always bring wisdom, Sometimes age comes alone. You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

NEWS FLASH! Scientists at MIT (Mammary Institute of Technology) have discovered a new force, quite possibly the most powerful yet. Researchers have dubbed this new force ``breast gravity.'' It is the nearly irresistible force that draws men's eyes down to women's breasts. ``The idea came to me out of the blue,'' says team leader Frank Leerer. ``I was walking along the beach with a colleague of mine, and we saw a woman in a string bikini. `Check out the globes on her!' he said. That's when the idea hit me like a brick house.'' Theorists have been working around the clock to explain the biophysical mechanism behind the phenomenom. It is believed that like the other fundamental forces of the universe, breast gravity is mediated by an elementary particle. MIT scientists have named this theoretical particle the ``boobon.'' Many aspects of the new force have now been determined empirically. It is known that breast gravity grows exponentially with breast size. Also, experimentalists think that many materials must absorb boobons, because layers of clothing can significantly decrease the force. (A large parka can sometimes nullify the effect completely.) Still, there are mysteries yet to be solved. For example, why are almost all men's eyes affected, but only a small fraction of women's? How can it be that the force is transmitted even through televised and printed images of breasts? Scientists everywhere are looking into it.

A young lad's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. The boy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." Upon hearing this, the father replied, "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

A young man walks into a drug store and asks the cashier for some condoms. The cashier says "Got a good one?" "Yup, hot date tonight! This one's pretty much in the bag. She's sexy and givin' it up tonight!" the man replies. A little while later the man goes to his girlfriend's house and they sit down to eat dinner with her parents. They ask him to say grace. So he starts saying grace quickly and nervously. He prays and prays and prays some more. The girl looks over to the young man and says to him "I didn't know that you were so religious!" The young man stutters, "I didn't know your father worked at a drugstore!"

The teacher had given the class an assignment. She stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except your own death (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member). A smart-ass student pipes up, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, Miss?" Without missing a beat the teacher replies, "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

At Hebrew School, the Rabbi finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period. "Rabbi?" asked little Melvin "there's something I need to know." "What's that, my child?" asked the Rabbi. "Well, according to the Scriptures, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?" "Right." "And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?" "Uh ... right." "And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?" "Again you are correct." "And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?" "All that is correct," agreed the Rabbi. "So what's your question?" "What I want to know is this," demanded Melvin. "What were all the grown-ups doing?"

I always wondered about that , too...where were the Grown-ups of Israel?!

working in a kosher deli?

wrong html tag opened, closed

Okay, here's my new Jewish jokes. What does the perfect jewish home look like? It has 10 rooms, no bathroom, no kitchen. And, why do jewish women have gold plaited diaphrams? They like their men to come into money! ha-ha! I heard that at the synagogue!!! Sick stuff!

Sick, maybe. Funny, yes!

My Scariest Things (with apologies to Oscar Hammerstein) Copyright 1999, John Burnett Hissing pit vipers and nasty puff adders Cobras that blow their face up like air bladders beautiful coral snakes with colored rings These are a few of my scariest things Venomous rattlesnakes ground up for chili When beef's available, this seems so silly There's the black mamba that kills when it stings These are a few of my scariest things When the snake bites Neurotoxins Spin around my head If there's an antidote Give me it, please! And then I won't feel So dead!

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some of the winners: * Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. * Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. * Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high up on walls. * Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head. * Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it. * Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. * Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. * Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. * Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer. (Ya 'no) * Glibido: All talk and no action. * Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. * Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. *Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Loved your stuff, John...especially your "scariest things" The vocabulary is excellent, too. Very clever - as always!

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen into his life, when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish: "Quawwwwk... vus macht du... Yeah, du... outside, standing like aputzel... eh?" Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..." Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?" (Loosely: Do you understand Yiddish?) Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?!?" "Vuh den? Chinese maybe?" said the bird. In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. They both went to sleep. Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted some too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven, and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He had been saved. One morning, on Rosh Hashana, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was no place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven. Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!" Nothing. "Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven... Come on, everybody's lookingat you!" Nothing. After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, upset as hell, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the Temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars! Why? After I made your tfillin and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashana, why? Why did you do this to me? Why?" "Don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kippur!"

Ooooh! You do not have to be from the Yiddish 'hood to understand this one!

ha-ha!!!

Heavenly Father, we come before You today to ask Your forgiveness and to seek Your direction and guidance. We know Your Word says, "Woe on those who call evil good," but that's exactly what we have done. We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values. We confess that: We have ridiculed the absolute truth of Your Word and called it pluralism. We have worshipped other gods and called it multi-culturalism. We have endorsed perversion and called it an alternative lifestyle. We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery. We have neglected the needy and called it self-preservation. We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare. We have killed our unborn children and called it a choice We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable. We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self-esteem. We have abused power and called it political savvy. We have coveted our neighbor's possessions and called it ambition. We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression. We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment. Search us, O God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from every sin and set us free. Guide and bless these men and women who have been sent to direct us to the center of Your will. I ask it in the name of Your Son, the living Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians. The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get acoke." "No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

Touche'! *LOL*

Things You'd Love to Say at Work, But Can't! 1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? 2. Do I look like a people person? 3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 5. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 6. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 7. You!... Off my planet! 8. Does your train of thought have a caboose? 9. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 10. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? 11. A PBS mind in an MTV world. 12. Allow me to introduce my selves. 13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 14. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up. 15. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. 16. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage. 17. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. 18. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 19. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 20. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 21. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1. 22. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 23. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 24. Chaos, panic & disorder - my work here is done. 25. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 26. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

A Christian couple wanted to get a family pet. They felt it important to own a Christian trained pet. So, they went pet searching. At a kennel specializing in Christian trained pets, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home. That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new dog and his major skills, that they called the dog over and had him show off his Bible fetching ability. The friends were very impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. Well, they said, "let's try this out." Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

WHY AMERICANS SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO TRAVEL The following are actual stories provided by travel agents: I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?" A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state." I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map." A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that! I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them." A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt." After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your Mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I have fooled around with a lot of other women. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him." Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June." Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, Honey. I'm awfully sorry about this." Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her Mother and tell her. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," she complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother." Hillary just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home." "Why?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast ... now I do it in seven."

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?" Guy says, "I'm from Iowa." Bartender asks, "Whadaya do in Iowa?" Guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." Bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what the hell is a taxidermist?" Guy says "I mount animals." Bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call on little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But, eventually, his turn came... Little Johnny walked up to the front of he class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnny. "Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?" "Damned if I know", said Johnny, "but, this morning, my sister said she missed one. Then Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

*lolrotf*

PETER MARSHALL'S LIST OF FAVORITE ANSWERS FROM "HOLLYWOOD SQUARES" 1. According to Movie Life magazine, Ann Margaret would like to start having babies, soon, but her husband wants her to wait awhile. Why? PAUL LYNDE: He's out of town. 2. What are "dual-purpose cattle" good for that other cattle aren't? PAUL LYNDE: They give milk...and cookies, but I don't recommend the cookies. 3. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? PAUL LYNDE: Who told you about my elephant? 4. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? CHARLEY WEAVER: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him. 5. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and as actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? CHARLEY WEAVER: His feet. 6. Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What? PAUL LYNDE: An engagement ring. 7. According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than drinking. What? CHARLEY WEAVER: Not drinking. 8. True or false: Some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by running toward them at full speed, then high-jumping over them. CHARLEY WEAVER: This is sometimes terribly embarrassing to tall guests. 9. You're on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the kabuki. Why? PAUL LYNDE: It was a long plane ride. 10. If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high? CHARLEY WEAVER: Three days of steady drinking should do it. 11. Do female frogs croak? PAUL LYNDE: If you hold their little heads under water. 12. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? DON KNOTTS: That's what's been keeping me awake. 13. True or false: Many people sleep better in their street clothes than they do in their pajamas. PAUL LYNDE: Yes. We call them winos. 14. According to psychologists, when a child begins to get curious about sex, what is the one question he will most ask his mommy and daddy? PAUL LYNDE: Where can I get some? 15. Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit? JOAN RIVERS: Yes. It's daddy's turn. 16. Question: In what state was Abraham Lincoln born? PAUL LYNDE: Naked and screaming like the rest of us.

A little old man starts having trouble hearing and goes to the doctor.....says: "Doc, I'm having problems hearing!" Doctor says "Lets check this out." He looks into the man's ear with his flashlight and says, "There's a foreign object in here." So he takes his tweezers and pulls it out ... and says to the old man, "It's a suppository!!" The old man takes one look, and asks the Doc, "Can I use your phone?? I need to tell the wife that I know where I put that hearing aid!!"

*lol* John, you are full of it tonight! Getting any of these off those papers you are grading?!

I've got to get to those papers. I am in denial. If my kids wrote papers like that, I'd be into them already. BTW, I am always "full of it." Ask Karen. (*bullshit* *cough*)

I beg your pardon! I've been close enough to you to tell, and even hugged you on occasion. No Bull$hip I could discern. Perhaps it is because she is so close to the Chicago Sotck Yards?! And, I have been super quiet so you could grade papers and you have not gotten to them yet?! ASuwe!!!

Sorry for the typos which Ifound just as yapp was casting them in concrete...!

Yapp is better at concrete casting than the Mafia.

Oh, Indeed it is! The bigger the goof, the quicker it snatches it away to show the world in all its misbegotten glory!

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to forever hide the bodies of the people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. Help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I have to kiss tomorrow. Help me always give 100% at work...12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, and 5% on Friday. And help me to remember...When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying their best to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown, and only 4 to extend my middle finger.

This is the sort of thing old ladies should cross-stitch and frame...and one might hang from their rear-view mirror for quick reference in tight situations... Love it!

To: All EMS PersonnelFrom: Chief of Operations Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following. 1) Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again). 2) Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state. 3) Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal decelerationsyndrome." 4) HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms." 5) Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted." 6) Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants." 7) The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge." 8) And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records). I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.

I just sent this to two ER nurses. I am sure it will be printed out and posted in hospitals across the world as they send it farther afield. Very funny!

Microsoft Dinner 98 INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT: You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme. If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter: ms.nodarn.good/tryagain\again/again.darnit This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

After spending some time telnetting just prior to seeing this, I can appreciate even more the Unix instructions. Someone who has "been there" obviously wrote this. Thanks for sharing! Love it (and sent it to those in the family who do not frequent Spring - like David and Frank!)

After re-reading it and wiping my eyes and catching my breath...I think you should send BG several hundred copies of it!

Dear Friends and Family, This is a really terrific thing. The Hunger Site at the U.N. This is a really cool website. All you do is click a button and somewhere in the world some hungry person gets a meal to eat at no cost to you. The food is paid for by corporate sponsors. All you do is go to the site and click. But, you're only allowed one click per day so spread the word to others. Visit the site and pass the word. http://www.thehungersite.com

Top Ten Warren Beatty for President Campaign Slogans copyright 1999, John Burnett 10. Experience makes the difference in domestic and foreign affairs. 9. I promise my sister Shirley won't be an advisor. 8. Lewinsky can't touch the babes I've had. 7. You bought my Bullworth once before. 6. Doesn't Annette look good after eight years of Hillary? 5. Beatty--First in Warren Piece. 4. Do you really want to sandwich Clinton between two Bushes? 3. I Can Handle My Intern, I Mean Internal Affairs. 2. I'll Kiss Chelsea Goodbye For You 1. Booze, Broads and Beatty!

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need. BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need. PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows. FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-low at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Fung Shui is bad. PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You neighbors decide who gets the milk. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cattlegate." BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything. SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment. BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them. FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf. POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You cognate the concept of "ownership" as symbolic of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past. In enlightened terms, you participate in a mutually beneficial domestic and economic partnership with two differently aged/but no less valuable to society/bovines of non-specified gender. COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like...these two cows, man. you just got to have some of this milk. SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

1. Constipated people don't give a crap. 2. Practice safe sex, go screw yourself. 3. If you drink don't park, accidents cause people. 4. Please tell your pants it's not polite to point. 5. Thank you for pot smoking. 6. If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling. 7. Impotence: nature's way of saying "No hard feelings." 8. Horn broken...watch for finger. 9. If you can read this, I've lost my trailer. 10. It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put your booger.

Lessons I've learned... I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -- they are more fucked up than you think. I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place. I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do. I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves. I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages. Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe something good will happen. If not ... tough shit.

I thought you might have posted your picture here this morning...I think it belongs here more than Spring Gallery, but that is ok, too...!

I can't post a picture. I don't have a website and I'm not a host. That's why I sent it to you.

Check your email...

Thank you, Marcia. This is me, January 30, 1981.

Memorandum from God To: The members of the Kansas Board of EducationFrom: God Re: Your decision to eliminate the teaching of evolution as science. Thank you for your support. Much obliged. Now, go forth and multiply. Beget many children. And yea, your children shall beget children. And their children shall beget children, and their children's children after them. And in time the genes that have made you such pinheads will be eliminated through natural selection. Because that is how it works. Listen, I love all my creatures equally, and gave each his own special qualities to help him on Earth. The horse I gave great strength. The antelope I gave great grace and speed. The dung beetle I gave great stupidity, so he doesn't realize he is a dung beetle. Man I gave a brain. Use it, okay? I admit I am not perfect. I've made errors. (Armpit hair--what was I thinking?) But do you Kansans seriously believe that I dropped half-a-billion-year-old trilobite skeletons all over my great green Earth by mistake? What, I had a few lying around some previous creation in the Andromeda galaxy, and they fell through a hole in my pocket? You were supposed to find them. And once you found them, you were supposed to draw the appropriate, intelligent conclusions. That's what I made you for. To think. The fol s who wrote the Bible were smart and good people. Mostly, they got it right. But there were glitches. For one thing, they said that Adam and Eve beget Cain and Abel, and then Cain beget Enoch. How was that supposed to have happened? They left out Lilith entirely! Well, they also were a little off on certain elements of timing and sequence. So what? You guys were supposed to figure it all out for yourselves, anyway. When you stumble over the truth, you are not supposed to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and proceed on as though nothing had happened. If you find a dinosaur's toe, you're not supposed to look for reasons to call it a croissant. You're not big, drooling idiots. For that, I made dogs. Why do you think there are no fossilized human toes dating from a hundred million years ago? Think about it. It's okay if you think. In fact, I prefer i . That's why I like Charlie Darwin. He was always a thinker. Still is. He and I chat frequently. I know a lot of people figure that if man evolved from other organisms, it means I don't exist. I have to admit this is a reasonable assumption and a valid line of thought. I am in favor of thought. I encourage you to pursue this concept with an open mind, and see where it leads you. That's all I have to say right now, except that I'm really cheesed off at laugh tracks on sitcoms, and the NRA, and people who make simple declarative sentences sound like questions? Oh, wait. There's one more thing. Did you read in the newspapers yesterday how scientists in Australia dug up some rocks and found fossilized remains of life dating back further than ever before? Primitive, multicelled animals on Earth nearly 3 billion years ago, when the planet was nothing but roiling muck and ice and fire. And inside those cells was . . . DNA. Incredibly complex strands of chemicals, laced together in a scheme so sophisticated no one yet understands exactly how it works. I wonder who could have thought of something like that, back then. Just something to gnaw on. � Copyright 1999 The Washington Post Company.

One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom. Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Go to the theater."

(taking up a collection for theater tickets....rummaging around in pockets to see how much I can come up with...*smirk*)

Why the State of Hawai`i's economic recovery plans depend on a nuclear holocaust in Australia: 1. We will become the world's main supplier of raw materials for eucalyptus cough drops. 2. Hawaiian surfers will again dominate the field, leading to skyrocketing North Shore real estate values. 3. The place is full of snakes. Every Qantas airliner is a potential ecological catastrophe. 4. Without Aussie peacekeepers to interfere, Indonesia will stay happier and keep that oil flowing. 5. Now that Ross Furniture has been bought out, we don't ever want a repeat of those damn commercials. 6. Aussies have too much fun at home. It's giving other tourists the wrong idea. 7. They aren't accepting convicts anymore, and the the prison-for-profit people want to keep it that way. 8. Aussie men will stop fueling the Bangkok sex market, subsidizing cheap competition for Waikiki. 9. Once Australia is gone, the only place where tourists can see wild wallabies will be Oahu. 10. Baywatch will never be tempted again.

Give Me a Sign, Lord ....In a Nonsmoking Area: " If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On Maternity Room Door: "Push, Push, Push." At an Optometrists Office: "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place." On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." On a Butchers window: "Let me meat your needs." On a fence: "Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive." At a car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming." Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? JERRY FALWELL Because the chicken was homosexual! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it, the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white-washes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that. PAT BUCHANAN To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. DR. SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told! ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die. In the rain. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. I envision a world where all chickens will be judged not by the color of their plumage, but by the content of their character, a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. KARL MARX It was a historical inevitability. SADDAM HUSSAIN The chicken has crossed the line of death. This was an unprovoked act of aggression and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. RONALD REAGAN What chicken? KEN STARR I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and subvert the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken immunity provided he co-operates fu ly with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Reverend Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers. CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. FOX MULDER You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? SIGMUND FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES I have just released e-Chicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook--and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of e-Chicken. ALBERT EINSTEIN Did the chicken cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you please define chicken? THE BIBLE And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. COLONEL SANDERS Y'mean I missed one?

Just Click Here!

Does it ever end???? LOL!!!

Nan!!! I am going to sit on you till you say uncle - that blasted thing won't close nor anyhing!!!

Then I know what it is. I've seen the silly site before.

Sorry I spoiled it for you...!

I'd already seen it. My cousin Tom thinks things like that are funny, too.

Poor John! (We all have relatives like that, I guess!)

One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!" A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened. "Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?" "No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

*grin* They know how to extract every last cent, do they not?!

The Court of King George III London, England July 10, 1776 Mr. Thomas Jefferson c/o The Continental Congress Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Dear Mr. Jefferson: We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision: 1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature. 2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion. 3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics. 4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify. 5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations? 6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement. 7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies? 8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators. 9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne's War. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking. 10. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix. We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required. Sincerely, Management Analyst to the British Crown

Thos Jefferson, welcome to the 21st Century!

Since he is on the air as I post this, I post it on his topic and hope for his speedy return to our midst. The 12 Days of Christmas - Hawaiian style On the First day of Christmas my Tutu (grandmother) give(sic) to me - One Mynah Bird in one Papaya Tree 2nd day - Two Coconuts 3rd day - Three Dried Squid 4th day - Four Flower Leis 5th day - Five Big Fat Pigs 6th day - Six Hula Lessons 7th day - Seven Shrimps a-swimming 8th day - Eight Ukuleles 9th day - Nine pounds of Poi 10th day - Ten Cans of Beer 11th day - Eleven Missionaries 12th day - Twelve Televisions

From John-the-Shy... An old cowboy went into a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cattle." He then asked her what she was. She replied, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women." A little while later a couple sat down next to the old cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian!"

Now, where's the chief?

I'm a lesbian too, I love women.

In that case that makes me gay, 'cause I love men! Fraught with misunderstanding possibilities...*grin*

As to John: He wrote this in regards to the pleas on food for his return: Please tell everybody hello. But Ray still has to talk to me and tell me it's okay from his own mouth. That may or may not happen (I won't hold my breath), but I don't feel like another threatening round of e-mails, whether he means to make good on the threats or not. Sorry I did not get your permission to post private email, but I thought you should know that this rather ordinary and truly peace-loving lady is still the cause of the absence from Spring of the best minds out there. I feel very sad and angry about that. It almost came to blows the other day...

...make that SOME of the best minds...there a great number of them in here and the loss of even one is a tragedy to me...and we know it is more than one....

I hope all these great minds can resolve whatever differences and join together again. Y'all are too cool to have differences that rip us apart.

This is for sure. I think I shall make it mandatory this weekend upcoming that to have my cooperation with his relatives, that O'O will talk to John IRL. I make very few requests from him, but this one I shall insist on. Don't have a clue about the other and I am staying as far from that as I possibly can.

From the Man, Himself! ALL-TIME GREAT COUNTRY-WESTERN TITLES 1. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? 2. You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly 3. I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart 4. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You 5. She Got The Gold Mine and I Got The Shaft 6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him 7. I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life 8. Drop-Kick Me Jesus Through The Goalposts Of Life 9. Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone 10. If You Don't Leave Me Alone I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will 11. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger 12. I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line 13. I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me. 14. My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart. 15. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight Because I'm Afraid She'd Win. 16. They May Put Me In Prison But They Can't Stop My Face From Breaking Out

There was a man called him Jim, who lived near a river. Jim was a very religious man. One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim says "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." So, the man in the boat drives off. The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies, "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." The person in the boat then leaves. The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in. Jim tells her "That's ok." The woman says "Are you sure?" Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me. Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God. Jim says to God "You told me you would take care of me! What happened?" God replied "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"

From the man Himself again: Winners of a New York magazine contest were asked to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter and provide a definition for the new expression. The result is the following. ======= RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID: Honk if you're Scottish HARLEY-VOUS FRANCAIS?: Can you drive a French motorcycle? EX POST FUCTO: Lost in the mail. VENI, VIPI, VICI: I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered. COGITO EGGO SUM: I think; therefore I am a waffle. RIGOR MORRIS: The cat is dead. QUE SERA SERF: Life is a feudal. LE ROI EST MORT: JIVE LE ROI: The king is dead. No kidding. POSH MORTEM: Death styles of the rich and famous. PRO BOZO PUBLICO: Support your local clown (or politician, your call) MON AGE A TROIS: I am three years old. FELIX NAVIDAD: Our cat has a boat. HASTE CUISINE: Fast French food. QUIP PRO QUO: A fast retort. ALOHA OY: Love, greetings, farewell: from such a pain you should never know. IL DEUCE: The second banana. AD HOCK: A commercial pitch. ______________________________________________________

"HARLEY-VOUS FRANCAIS?: Can you drive a French motorcycle?" Name one! Great cars, ok, but bikes?

Cannot!...but it is the only language which fit...

John's comment: I don't know if this is a true story or urban legend--it is, however, classic in a sick way. Granny Hunts Down, Carefully Identifies and Shoots in Groin Men who Raped her Granddaughter MELBOURNE, Australia -- Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down - - and shot their testicles off! "The old lady spent a week hunting those bums down -- and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way," said admiring Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. "Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be: 'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.' Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the seedy hotel room where he and former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up. The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, policy said. "The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way he used to," Detective Delp told reporters. "Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through." The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row. "When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured the police would go easy on them," recalled the retired library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either -- because I've got me a gun and I've been shootin' it all my life." So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of the sickos' car, tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place until she spotted the ill-fated rapists entering their fleabag hotel. "I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them," the ornery oldster recalled. "So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door -- and the minute the big one, Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em both right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in." Now, baffled lawmen are tying to figure out how to deal with the vigilante granny. "What she did was wrong, but you can't really throw an 81-year-old woman in prison." Det. Delp said, "especially when all 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for sainthood." ______________________________________________________

The Maiden's Prayer Forgive me for what I did Last Night. It was the drinks that threw me. Make me what I was Before. O'h Please Dear God. Un'Screw Me.

PAAAAH!!! That's a good one!!

Alas, it is not that easy...Though I knew a girl in college who was able to convince many gullible young men that she was - on successive nights, no less. They must have been straight off the farm or really wanted to believe the myth. Whatever, she had three fraternity pins and 2 engagement rings from guys who thought they were her one and only! (all from different colleges, of course!)

my my ... what a talented young mistress of disguise ...

Mistress is definitely the operative word. At the college both she and I attended she was known as anyone's good time... I wonder what became of her?! Bet she married a hig-powered political manipulator. She would have been be a perfect hostess in a situation like that!

I think I must have led a very sheltered life ....... *grin*

..So did I...Dormitory life was a real eye-opener. I am still leading a sheltered life with my very own self-appointed morality watchdog!

I was actually joking!!!!!!!!!! As a youth counsellor I guess you could say I've seen life in the raw (too many morning's after, relationship probs. you name it I've had it). Am I sheltered now? Not sure?

Your own personal self has not experienced these things is what I meant. I have heard just about everything, as well - hang around freshman college kids a while and you become a surrogate mom-cum-big sister...as close to any of these problems as I ever wish to get!

I think I'll stay sheltered!!!! *grin*

Safest that way unless you have an expert guide. Then, it can be an adventure of a lifetime...*sigh*

Getting too old for adventures! *sigh*

When they nail down the lid is when I'd admit to that, but I am not the one who is going to darkest Africa in a little while...where they are having wars and plagues, famine and pestilence. Talk about adventures?! Sheesh! Wish John would come back - but he knows how time-stealing being on the Spring can really be. *sigh*

Mmm I'm still in trouble - but not that sort!

How did your unpleasant encounter go this morning - bright and early, as I recall...?

Seems a long time ago now. He was with me two and half hours, wanted all my output charts transferred to Excel which I had to do there and then - and i hate working with someone breathing down my neck. He's got a lot of work to do to finish things off. He'd like me to do more work for free, but I''ve said my thesis has to come first. I've already put in a lot of unpaid hours. I really don't have time and energy. This project has really wacked me out. Anyway, I gave him the invoice and a cheque should be forthcoming soon. I felt a bit aimless after he'd gone. I'd been pushing so hard to finish it was a real anticlimax.

Sheesh! Nothing like working under the gun. Never mind! You survived and you will be paid. That is the good news. *hugs*

From John: Everyone knows Barney,... that cute purple dinosaur. But here's something that you may not know: 1. Start with the given: CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR 2. Change all U's to V's (which is proper Latin anyway) CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR 3. Extract all Roman Numerals: CV V L DI V 4. Convert these into Arabic values: 100 5 5 50 500 1 5 5. Add these numbers up: 100 5 5 50 500 1 + 5 ---- 666 There you have it: A mathematical proof that Barney is the Antichrist!

From The Man, Himself: A managed care company president was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Since she was unable to go, she gave the ticket to one of her managed care reviewers. The next morning she asked him how he had enjoyed it. Instead of a few observations about the symphony in general, she was handed a formal memorandum which read as follows: 1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, avoiding peaks of inactivity. 2. All 12 violins were playing identical notes. This seems an unneeded duplication, and the staff of this section should be cut. If a volume of sound is really required, this could be accomplished with the use of an amplifier. 3. Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes. This appears to be an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes be rounded up to the nearest 8th note. If this were done it would be possible to use para-professionals instead of experienced musicians. 4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated then the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes. 5. The symphony had two movements. If Mr. Schubert didn't achieve his musical goals by the end of the first movement,then he should have stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut. In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Mr. Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had time to finish the symphony.

This came to me from John - the least I could do was to post it here: The Saga of Management Reviews Question: How many feet do mice have? Original Reply: Mice have four feet. Mgmt comment: Elaborate. Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, four of which are feet. Mgmt comment: No discussion of fifth appendage. Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet and one is a tail. Mgmt comment: What? Feet with no legs? Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per mouse. Mgmt comment: Confusing. Is that a total of 9 appendages? Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body. Mgmt comment: Does not fully discuss the issue. Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail is not equipped with a foot. Mgmt comment: Descriptive but not decisive. Revision 6: Allotment for mice will be: FOUR LEG-FOOT ASSEMBLIES, ONE TAIL. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets. Mgmt comment: Too authoritative, stifles creativity. Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non functional and ornamental in nature. Mgmt comment: Too verbose and scientific. Answer the question. Final Revision: Mice have four feet. Mgmt comment: Approved.

This came to me from John so I am posting it here for your entertainment: I thought, just in case Dr. Laura doesn't answer this, someone else may have answers to these religious questions: Dear Dr. Laura, Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I Have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them. a. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this? b. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? (Ok, this is for a "friend") c. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. d.. Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? e.. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? f.. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? g.. Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

This lovely bit from our John: FEMALE CHAUVINIST STATEMENTS Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? A: Trustworthy. Q: How can you tell when a man is well hung? A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose. Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one. Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: ONE ... He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. Q: What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? A: Exchange him. Q: What should you give a man who has everything? A: A woman to show him how it all works. Q: What's the smartest thing a man can say? A: "My wife says..." Q: Why do jocks play on artificial turf? A: To keep them from grazing. Q: Why is it good that there are female astronauts? A: When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions. Q: Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? A: When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

This came from John Burnett so I am posting it on his topic: The City of Los Angeles is putting the finishing touches on its preparations to host the Democratic National Convention in August. Here are the top ten telltale signs that the Dems will be arriving any minute: (10) Bars posting "Off Limits to Teddy" signs (9) Tripp and Lewinsky both working corners on Hollywood Boulevard (8) Homeless pushing red, white and blue shopping carts (7) James Brolin announces his intention to run for Governor of California� (6) Hookers setting up car pools from Tijuana (5) Secret Service presence causes rumors of a Blues Brothers concert (4) Pinatas on telephone poles shaped like Geedubya (3) President Clinton says to hell with the convention, I'm gonna party with Rodman! (2) Taco Bell Chihuahua takes leak on Al Gore's leg� and the number one telltale sign that the Dems might be arriving any minute: Free Chinese buffet lines�

I refuse to admit I'm posting this one: Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners And Northeastern Urbanites: 1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass. 2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will just HAVE to kick your ass. 3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever -- it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking. 4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass. 5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Bush). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick their ass. 6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass. 7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass. 8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended -- with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass. 9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked. 10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern shitholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked. 11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass. 12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor. 13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours. 14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass. 15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your ass!

Happy Birthday John! Old Age Ain't No Place For Sissies The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. [Helen Hayes, at 73] I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. [Janette Barber] Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. [Jan King] A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. [Carrie Snow] Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. [Laurie Kuslansky] My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. [Erma Bombeck] Old age ain't no place for sissies. [Bette Davis] A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. [Rhonda Hansome] The phrase "working mother" is redundant. [Jane Sellman] Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. [Jennifer Unlimited] Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. [Caryn Leschen] I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. [Jennifer Unlimited] If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. [Catherine Aird] When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss and they called ME slow! [Kathy Buckley] I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb and I'm also not blonde. [Dolly Parton] You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. [Erica Jong] If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. [Sue Grafton] I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. [RoseanneBarr] I think - therefore I'm single. [Lizz Winstead] When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. [Elayne Boosler] Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. [Maryon Pearson] I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. [Gloria Steinem] I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night. [Marie Corelli] If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? [Linda Ellerbee] I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. (Eva Garbor) Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. [Eleanor Rosevelt] _____________________________________________

This is a version of "A Visit From St. Nicholas" I recently published in a Big Island rag called "Hawaii Island Journal." It's not by any means the equal of the original, but at the risk of immodesty, I think it's not half bad. 'Twas the night before Christmas and all was serene the night air was fresh and the palm trees were green. There were red trails of lava all down Kilauea, the only snow found was atop Mauna Kea. Beautiful, yes� but a Christmassy setting? If Santa came here it's for sure he'd be sweating. With all the tin roofs not a chimney was found so the reindeer would have to land right on the ground. No, I'm not a cynic but it's hard to believe when it's 70 Fahrenheit on Christmas eve. Yes, that was the circumstance as I retired, so please pardon me if I seem uninspired. No sugar plum fairies to dance in my head so I dreamed of haupia and pao duce sweet bread. I awoke to a noise that came from my own house. It wasn't the stirring of some little mouse. I expected a fat man bent down by my tree, I wasn't prepared for the sight I would see. A shaggy-haired guy took the rum off my shelves, he was with menehune instead of some elves. He mixed rum with some Coke and started his ventage, he said "Suck 'em up, Brah, 'cause I get percentage." The guy looked familiar, his smile was disarming, he might be a burglar but still he was charming. I wondered if I was alive, dead or dreaming, there was something about him that kept me from screaming. He stirred his concoction with a swizzle stick, and smiled as he said, "You expecting St. Nick?" He broke into song; it was not "Jingle Bells." He sang "Tiny Bubbles" and then "Pearly Shells." He said, "You're as lucky as lucky can be. I always charge cover, Tonight, though, it's free." Then the head menehune, You know, Sam Kapu, said "It's time to leave, Boss, we've got more shows to do." So Kapu snapped his fingers and out of nowhere, a big flying longboard appeared from thin air. They all climbed aboard and as they turned to go I heard, "Goodnight to all, and a Don Ho-Ho-Ho!" --by John Burnett � 2001

/ (had to get rid of the bolding)

*oops*

Thanks! Did I do that? Probably! Aloha nui, John Burnett! (if you ever wander this way.) We miss your stimulating posts.

Brian Shul ... A Vietnam era USAF fighter pilot, 212 combat missions, shot down near the end of the war, was so badly burned that he was given next to no chance to live. He did live, went on to fly SR-71s and completed a 20 year career in the Air Force. He has written four books on aviation and runs a photo studio. Sometimes someone says something you would have liked to say and does it better than you ever could.His words below ... This just about says it all ... you decide. Also included are some prefacing remarks from a couple of people in the line who passed it on to me. If I had the power to do so, I would make the below article "Mandatory"-no, not Required, but Mandatory Reading for every man, woman and child over 7, in our whole country; and for those who were not literate, I'd have it read to them. It will probably take you about 5 minutes to read, but well worth it.-Brian Shul,sure can express himself. John Taber, Lt.Col., U.S. Army Veterinary Corps, Fellow Q.B., and Aerobatic pilot extraordinaire I saw Brian Shul speak once (at the NAS Jax Naval Hospital Christmas Ball). He spoke that day about the value of compassion in medicine.He talked about how he was so horribly burned and disfigured that even the docs and the nurses turned away from him, and about how the human attention meant so much to him at that point that he would resort to trickery to try and engage the medical staff. The example he gave was of the time he had someone make a large sign that said "kisses $1" which was then placed next to his bed. The smiles that folks flashed after reading the sign was enough to keep him going. It took him a year to get out of the hospital and yet he went on to fly A-7s, A-10s, and finally the SR-71. If you're a fan of Naval Aviation and the Blue Angels and you don't own a copy of his photo album "Blue Angels a Portrait in Gold" you are missing out on some of the best photographs ever taken of the world s best formation aerobatic team. At any rate, the attached speech by Brian is right on and should be posted on every bulletin board. JT Brian Shul's Chico Rally Address: October Thank you for the opportunity to address this rally today. It is not often that a fighter pilot is asked to be the keynote speaker. There is a rumor that they are unable to put two sentences together coherently. I'd like to dispel that rumor today by saying that I can do that, and in fact that I have written several books. I always wanted to be an author,and I "ARE" one now. I'm a pretty lucky person really. I'm like the little boy who tells his father that when he grows up he wants to be a jet pilot, and his father replies, "Sorry son, you can't do both." I made that choice a long time ago and flew the jets. I was fortunate to live my dream, and then some. I survived something I shouldn't have, and today, tell people that I am 28 years old, as it has been that long since I was released from the hospital. It was like I received a second life, and in the past 28 years, I have gotten to see and do much, so much that I would not have thought possible. Returning to fly jets in the Air Force, flying the SR-71 on spy missions, spending a year with the Blue Angels, running my own photo studio ... and so much more. And now, seeing our country attacked in such a heinous way. Some of you here today have heard me speak before,and know that I enjoy sharing my aviation slide show. I have brought no slides to show you, as I feel compelled today, to address different issues concerning this very difficult time in our nation's history. I stand before you today, not as some famous person, or war hero. I am far from that. You know, they say a good landing is one you can walk away from, and a really great one is when you can use the airplane again. Well, I did neither ......... and I speak to you today as simply a fellow American citizen. Like you, I was horrified at the events of September 11th. But I was not totally surprised that such a thing could happen, or that there were people in the world who would perpetrate such deeds, willingly, against us. Having sat through many classified briefings while in the Air Force, I was all too aware of the threat, and I can assure you, it has always been there in one form or another. And those of you who have served in the defense of this nation, know all too well the response that is needed. In every fighter squadron I was in, there was a saying that we knew to be true, that said, when there was a true enemy, you negotiate with that enemy with your knee in his chest and your knife at his throat. Many people are unfamiliar with this way of thinking, and shrink from its ramifications. War is such a messy business, and there are many who want no part of it, but rush to bask in the security blanket of its victory. I spent an entire military career fighting Communism, and was very proud to do so. We won that war, we beat one of the worst scourges to humankind the world has known. But it took a great effort, over many years of sustained vigilance and much sacrifice by so many whose names you will never know. And perhaps our nation, so weary from so long a cold war, relaxed too much and felt the world was a safer place with the demise of the Soviet Union. We indulged ourselves in our own lives, and gave little thought to the threats to our national security. You know, normally my talks are laced with numerous jokes as I share my stories, but I have very few jokes to tell this afternoon. These murdering fanatics came into our land, lived among our people, flew on our planes, crashed them into our buildings, and killed thousands of our citizens. And nowhere along their gruesome path were they questioned or stopped. The joke is on us. We allowed this country to become soft. We shouldn't really be too surprised that this could happen. Did we really think that we could keep electing officials who put self above nation and this would make us stronger? Did we really think that a strong economy adequately replaced a strong intelligence community? Did we imagine that a President who practically gave away the store on his watch, was insuring national security? While our country was mired in the wasted excess of a White House sex scandal, the drums of war beat loudly in foreign lands, and we were deaf. Our response was to give the man two terms in office, and even then barely half the American public exercised their right to vote. We have only ourselves to blame. Our elected officials are merely a reflection of our own values and what we deem important. Did we not realize that America had become a laughing stock around the world? We had lost credibility, even among our allies. To our enemies we had no resolve. We made a lot of money, watched a lot of TV, and understood little about what was happening beyond our shores. We were, simply, an easy target. But we are a country awakened now. We have been attacked in our homeland. We have now felt the reality of what an unstable and dangerous world it truly is. And still, in the face of this unprecedented carnage in our most prominent city, there are those who choose to take this opportunity to protest, and even burn the flag. If I were the regents or alumni of certain large universities in this county, I would be embarrassed to be producing students of such ignorance and naive notions. Like mindless sheep, they march with painted faces and trite sayings on signs, blissfully ignorant of the world they live in, and the system that protects them, hoping maybe to make the evening news. Perhaps if they had spent more time in class they would have learned that those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it. They might have learned that all it takes for evil to succeed in the world, is for good people to stand by and do nothing. If they had simply gone back in history as recently as the Viet Nam War, they would have learned that an enemy that knows it can never defeat us militarily, will persist as long as there is dissension and disruption in our land. Their ignorance can be understood, as their young empty minds have been filled with the rewritten history tripe that tenured leftist professors can spew out with no fear of r moval. But the unwitting aid they provide the enemy, in disrupting the national resolve, is unforgivable. I think this is a wonderful country, though, that gives everyone their voice of dissension. I am all for people expressing their views publicly because it makes it much easier for us to identify the truly foolish, and to know who cannot be counted on in times of crisis. These are the weak and cowardly who, when the enemy is crashing through the front door, will cower in the back room, counting on better men than themselves to make and keep them free. Well, the enemy is at our front door, and isn't it interesting that those who cry loudest and most often for their rights, are usually those least willing to defend it. I heard a student on TV the other day say that this war just wasn't in his plans and he would simply head to Canada if a draft occurred. Just wasn't in his plans. I wonder what plans the young men at the beaches of Normandy had that they never got to live. I wonder if it was in the plans of 19-year-old boys in Viet Nam to lie dying in a jungle far from home. I guess the men and women at Pearl Harbor one morning had their plans slightly rearranged too. Gee, I hope we haven't inconvenienced this student. Those people in the World Trade Center have no more plans. It is up to us to have a plan now. And it isn't going to be easy. Who ever said it would? Just what part of our history spoke of how easy it was to form a free nation? It has never been easy and has always required vigilance and sacrifice, and sometimes war, to preserved this union. If it were easy, everyone would have done it. But no one else has, and we stand alone as the most unique country on earth. And isn't it amazing that we have spent a generation stamping God out of our schools and government, and now as a nation, have collectively turned to God in memorial services, prayer vigils and churches around this country. I am also very disturbed to hear that there are people in this country, at this particular time, who feel it inappropriate to wear the flag on their lapel because they are on the news or in a public job, and school officials who want to remove pro-American stickers so as not to offend foreign students. Well, I am offended that these people call themselves Americans. I am offended that innocent people were killed in a mass attack of unthinkable proportions. And I am off nded at listening to TV broadcasters speak to me condescendingly, with a bias that screams of their drowning in a cesspool of political correctness. I pity the person who thinks they are going to remove this flag from my lapel. This flag of ours is the symbol of all that is good about this country. America is an idea. It is an idea lived, and fought for, by a people. We are America, and this is our symbol. We are imperfect in many ways, but we continue to strive toward the ideal our forefathers laid down for us over 225 years ago. I could never imagine desecrating that symbol. Perhaps there are many people in this nation who have never been abroad, or in harms way, and seen the flag upon their return. Those poor souls can never know the deep pride and honor one feels to see it wave, to know that there is still a good ol' USA. With all our warts we are still the greatest nation on earth, and the flag is the most powerful symbol of that greatness. When I was in grade school, we used to say the Pledge of Allegiance every morning. It is something I never forgot. I wonder how many children even know that pledge today. This flag is our history, our dreams, our accomplishments, indelibly expressed in bright red, white, and blue. This flag was carried in our Revolutionary War, although it had many less stars. But it persevered and evolved throughout a war we had no right to believe we could win. But we did, and built a country around it. This flag, tattered and battle worn, waved proudly from the mast, as John Paul Jones showed the enemy what true resolve was. This banner was raised by the hands of brave men on a godforsaken island called Iwo Jima, and became a part of the most famous photo of the 20th Century. Those men are all dead now, but their legacy lives on in the Marine Memorial in Washington, DC. Those of you who have seen it will recall that inscribed within the stone monument are the words - When Uncommon Valor Was A Common Virtue - I don't believe you'll see the words, "it was easy," anywhere on it. This flag has even been to the moon, planted there for all time by men with a vision, and the courage to see it through. I personally know what it is to see the flag, and feel something deep inside that makes you feel you are a part of something much bigger than yourself. Laying in a hospital bed, I can vividly recall looking out the only window in the room and on Sundays, seeing that big garrison flag flying proudly in the breeze. It filled the entire window, and filled my heart with a motivation that helped me leave that bed, and enabled me to be standing here today. And many years later, while fighting another terrorist over Libya, my backseater and I outraced Khaddafi's missiles in our SR-71 as we headed for the Mediterranean, and I can still clearly see that American flag patch on the shoulder of my space suit, staring at me in the rear view mirror as we headed west, and it was a good feeling. Now don't ask me why we had rear view mirrors in the world's fastest jet; I can assure you, no one was gaining on us that day. I am so happy to see so many flags out here today. Long may it wave. History will judge us. How we confront this chapter of American history will be important for the future of this great nation. This will be a war like none other we have endured. The combatants will not just be the soldier on the battlefront, but will be fought by us the citizens. We are on the battlefield now; the war has been brought to us. We will determine the outcome of this war by how well we remain vigilant, how patient we are with tightened security, how well we support the economy, and most important, in the resolve we show the enemy. There are some things worth fighting for, and this country is one of them. I pray for our leaders at this time. In the Pacific, during WW II, Admiral Bull Halsey said, "There are no great men, just great circumstances, and how they handle those circumstances will determine the outcome of history." Our future and the future of coming generations are in our hands. Wars are not won just on mili ary fronts, but by the resolve of the people. We must remain tenaciously strong in the pursuit of this enemy that threatens free people everywhere. I am encouraged that we will win this war. Even before the first shot was finished being fired, there were brave Americans on Flight 93, fighting back. These people were the first true heroes of this conflict, and gave their lives to save their fellow countrymen. This nation, this melting pot of humanity, this free republic, must be preserved. This idea that is America is important enough to be defended. Fought for. Even died for. The enemy fears what you have, for if their people ever become liberated into a free society, tyrannical dictatorships will cease and he will lose power. How can they ever understand this country of ours, so self-indulgent and diverse, yet when attacked, so united in the defense of its principles? This is the greatest country in the world because brave people sacrificed to make it that way. We are a collective mix of greatness and greed, hi-tech and heartland. We are the country of Mickey Mouse and Mickey Mantle; from John Smith and Pocahontas to John Glen and an Atlas booster; from Charles Lindbergh to Charley Brown; from Moby Dick to Microsoft; we are a nation that went from Kitty Hawk to Tranquility Base in less than 70 years; we are rock and roll, and the Bill of Rights; we are where everyone else wants to be, the greatest nation in the world. The enemy does not understand the dichotomy of our society, but they should understand this; we will bandage our wounds, we will bury our dead; and then we will come for you.......and we will destroy you and all you stand for. I read this quote recently and would like to share it with you: "We are pressed on every side, but not crushed, Perplexed, but not in despair, Persecuted, but not abandoned, Struck down, but not destroyed." That is from II Corinthians. Not too long ago it would have been politically incorrect to quote from the Bible. I am so happy to be politically INCORRECT. And I am so proud to be an American. Thank you all for coming out today and showing your support for your government, and your nation. You are the true patriots, you are the soldiers of this war, you are the strength of America. Brian Shul Chico, California

I am so proud to be an American *wild applause* Me Too! :-)

This original poem from JohnBurnett: "Shock and Awe" (with apologies to Dr. Seuss by John Burnett In Baghdad in the Middle East There lived a man who was a beast A leader ruthless and insane Who called himself Saddam Hussein. Saddam was evil beyond words He gassed some people known as Kurds And to the horror of us all He murdered his own son in law. Next to Iraq there was a state Geographers knew as Kuwait A place with oil that was so rich It gave Saddam a nasty itch For even though he had no need His heart was filled with oil-fueled greed. Saddam said, "No I cannot wait To take the oil that�s in Kuwait I�ll send my troops across the border They�ll wreak chaos in short order Then I�ll launch SCUDS into the night And they�ll give up without a fight." In Washington there was a man Who had a vision for his land Where gas was cheap and flowing free To fill up every SUV But with Saddam in charge of oil It set George Bush�s blood aboil. He chased the tyrant from Kuwait To liberate the oil-rich state And then again the oil flowed free To power U.S. industry The war was done, there was no need To kill Saddam, they all agreed. A decade passed Saddam remained Still power hungry and insane He was accused of mass production Weapons meant for mass destruction Though he agreed to be inspected The U.N. guys he misdirected. The U.N. sent a guy named Blix To stop Saddam and end his tricks And find the plants of mass production Weapons meant for mass destruction Hard evidence Blix could find none "Not good enough," said Bush the son. "You know Saddam, the man�s a liar who set Kuwait�s oil fields afire Yes he is evil, mean and bad He even tried to kill my dad I know that he has backed Osama And that just gives me major trauma. "So send a message to Iraq They�ve got two days or I�ll attack Surrender now or abdicate It is your choice, I will not wait And if you don�t do what I say The Gulf War will look like child�s play. "Now since Saddam chose to resist I�ll keep my word, I must insist He�ll find out about real production Weapons meant for mass destruction Missiles, bombs, both smart and cluster Not to mention bunker busters From the sky, a fiery rain Will help root out Saddam Hussein. "So send the bombs of shock and awe Just like I promised my dear pa I�ll rain destruction on his head I won�t stop till Saddam is dead. For me, it�s glorious panacea Are you listening, North Korea?"

*APPLAUSE* that is great!!!!!!

Our Guy, John is ever sharp and insightful. I'll let him know you appreciated his poem!

From the good man himself: SADDAM'S OFFSPRING Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known family members are coming to the attention of American authorities. Among the brothers: Sooflay ............the restaurateur Guday...............the half-Australian brother Huray...............the sports fanatic Sashay..............the gay brother Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins from the African mother Sayhay..............the baseball player Ojay................the stalker/murderer Gulay...............the singer/entertainer Ebay................the Internet czar Biliray.............the country music star Ecksray.............the radiologist Puray...............the blender factory owner Regay...............the half-Jamaican brother Tupay...............the one with bad hair Among the sisters: Lattay..............the coffee shop owner Bufay...............the 300 pound sister Phayray.............the zoo worker in the gorilla house Sapheway............the grocery store owner Olay...............the half-Mexican sister Finally, there is Oyvey, but the family doesn't like to talk about him.