www.colinfirth.com (part 2)

Live from the Internet, the World Wide Web, the Last Refuge for Truth, Honor and Privacy� It�s Colin Firth�s 47th Birthday Party! Hey, thanks for coming to my party! My name�s Tommy Fla�, er, I mean Colin, uh, Colin Firth. Yeah, that�s the ticket. I�m a producer, you know. Big time doc.. movie producer. Yeah, that's the ticket! And I�ve written books. Best-selling books. My agent tells me that I�m top of the list to get the Nobel Prize next year and the Booker and a Pulitzer. Maybe if the awards ceremony is in Italy, I might consider going. Most people know me as the great British actor who makes millions of women swoon whenever I get wet or give them that look, while repressing my simmering emotions. All these women�s husbands and boyfriends wish they were me, Tommy, I mean, Colin Firth. Oh yeah! I turn women all over the globe into quivering masses of jelly. Nobody�s a bigger heartthrob than I am. Not even George Clooney, my best friend, or even mmm hmmm Brad Pitt, who used to be my best friend but I�m just too busy for him these days. Hordes of women have been after me. When I started out in the biz, umm, Catherine, you know, Catherine Zeta-Jones threw herself at me. Yeah, that�s the ticket. But I didn�t have time for her. She was just okay, not as stacked back then, if you know what I mean. Someone like me could do a whole lot better. But I don�t want to be telling stories�nope, not me. Not Tommy Fla�, er, Colin Firth, big-time, A-list actor, who Larry, er, Larry Olivier once asked for some pointers. Listen, I gotta run. There�s a big dinner being thrown for me by, er, the Royal Family. We did something together this, uh, past weekend, but they insisted. Why, even Giorgio, that�s Giorgio Armani, is stopping by to drop off my new tux. I�ll probably be on the cover of GQ next month. Again, that is. I hold the record for covers. Yeah.. that's the ticket! Yeah, you betcha! Let the party begin!

Eytyxismena Genethlia! - go easy on the ouzo, Colin!

If I remember the party protocol, it's okay to post as long as it's midnight or after in the UK, so nervous-nelly that I am: Sermonizing On Sexy (with apologies to ABBA) Where are those sexy scenes, 'twere filmed so long ago-- "The Advocate", "Femme Fatale", even "Nostromo". Whatever happened to the heat? Why should you now feel shame? You had no such reservations in "Wings of Fame". So when you're online, Colin, can't you hear me Sermonizing On Sexy. The thrills you give me, no one else can melt me, Sermonizing On Sexy. When you're PG-rated How can I even get near sated? When you're PG-rated Though I watch, how can I be sated? Clothed, you were far away though you were lying near. You awe me with your skill, but something's gone, I fear. I'd really like you to make out. I wish I could direct your aim. What happened to the heat; it used to sear and flame. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, COLIN! Thanks to firthessence and firth.com.

Dear Colin, In honor of your birthday, and in light of your charitable good deeds, I wanted to make you the honorary chairman of the Woodridge, IL, USA campaign to: SAVE OLD SWORDS You are now an official "Wielder of Substance," and also look damn fine while doing so. Here are your choices, of which you may pick one or all, and make a speech asking for donations to our museum: This is a lovely one that Hercules used: This beautiful one is from the orient: Don't forget Jack Sparrow's: And this one is from the future, and you can play Obi-Wan (or Darth Vader) in the next Star Wars if you can raise the most money by talking about this one: Just a helpful suggestion, Colin, from a fan who admires your work� Considering your age, you should jump at this chance to be offered more roles in the Action Hero genre, before you are too old and creaky to effectively save the young prince (and woo the lovely maiden). Happy Birthday, Colin!

In vain I have struggled, it will not do - Dear Colin, I have to send my best wishes and HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!

Hee, hee, Karen and Katherine! ;-)

OMG, Lisa! I am just heading to bed and will have those dreadlocks in (not on) my head! If Rupe is playing oddball with Colin, it looks like he has two basketballs available inside his jacket. Unless you're talking about very different oddballs.;-) Time to get to bed before I get myself into real trouble!

Colin, I'd like to wish you just a simple Happy Birthday!...at least for now, as I can't be sure I'll make it back in time to do your celebration justice. Vacationing is so time consuming and such hard work. ;-) I look forward to a productive year from you (so get back to work after Mamma Mia!) and I wish you all the health and happiness possible. :-D

Where are those sexy scenes, 'twere filmed so long ago-- "The Advocate", "Femme Fatale", even "Nostromo". Whatever happened to the heat? Why should you now feel shame? You had no such reservations in "Wings of Fame". Good one, Kathryn! ;-) Lisa, Lisa, Lisa! Those dreads are a horror. I may have nightmares "my whole life" but at least the press for StTs is likely to be entertaining, to say the least. ;-) Excellent gif, Sue! Party boy is here!

Time for an S.O.S. for those dance moves:

Happy Birthday Colin! Hello mate, Roo here, checking out your party. I must say you did surprise me this year, yes you. Who would have thought, that the actor every casting director's has written in their Rolodex as plays "stiff, uptight, repressed Brit, also believable as man who loses woman to another, would not be the least bit awkward with a sword as in this guy who does the Mea Colpa so well: Hey, I know you held a sword in SIL and way before that in Valmont: But it had been a long time. I read what you said in an interview for a German paper: �Maybe it's an illusion, that I can become a director. I even tried sometimes to write a script.� Are you teasing here? Have I been an inspiration? Did Scarlet make such an impression? All I can say is Mamma Mia!!! And please don�t make it a documentary unless the subject is yourself as in �Why I won�t get naked on film.� And what�s wrong with a good romp in the bluff anyway? I�d advocate for it. I know my good friend Moon wants to see more frolicking from you, a little less stiff upper lip and more lower � ahem, Well you get the picture. And no, what you did in Atom�s film does not count. Neither does this: So old friend think of the fun times we had filming Saint T, you�re 47 now, time for the frolicking to begin once more. Happy Happy Birthday! See you at the premiere.

While I continue to ponder the real meaning of SOS, themeless themes, and all sorts of inappropriate birthday gifts, I took the liberty of forming the TIT list-(Tasteless, Irreverent and Themeless)guests. Feel free to invite a TIT. First up This A-lister, while not exactly themeless, fits perfectly into the tasteless and irreverent categories. He won�t eat or drink much, in fact he'll only be here in spirit, because he�s in prison his whole life! Next Not Tasteless or Irreverent, this guy, like so many of his projects, is simply a Themeless TIT. But he does get high marks for hospitality. And Tasteless, Irreverent, and Themeless makes this celebrity judge the perfect guest. Industry insiders claim he�s looking to cast a repressed Brit with a mediocre voice for the next American Idol movie.

Had a death box for that last one, damn and blast. Here is that last TIT

*hee hee hee* Lisa! Hugh used Disco Colin! Somehow I don't expect to see Meryl baring her midriff like Shakira. ;-) (Roo) And no, what you did in Atom�s film does not count. You sure, for him? Moon, you sheltered little thing. ;-) (Linda) TIT list-(Tasteless, Irreverent and Themeless) Now, why didn't you suggest this? I could've gotten behind (apologies to Moon/Roo) it. LOL! Maybe with a 'W'?? Naw, TIT is great and the postings would become known as titties. What do you think?

Ooh this is going to look bland and rather creepy compared to that Linda!!! My SOS was going to be Seneca or Senokot..but that's as far as I got. So anyway...and I mean this most sincerely: HAPPY BIRTHDAY COLIN, here�s a little present..no reason apart from the title REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL: ONE. Readings from the memoirs of Colin�s friend Mohammed, as part of Mosaic: A Celebration of Diversity. St Swithuns School, Winchester. . *And *Omiid Djalili , �the funniest man in the world�, well, one of the top thirty funniest men in the world at least. Photo courtesy of Crap Photos. TWO. More 4/+1(was it six times?).w/c Feb 26th 2007. Harold Pinter's Celebration. Deluded waiter, Gherkins, Bread and Butter Pudding, and� Filing cabinets, they�ll never be the same again. Hilarious. Please get back on the stage�however THREE. And When Did You Last See Your Father. August 23rd 2007. Edinburgh Festival. Blake Snr...well, it's a tour de force. Full gamut of emotions from A to Z, how anyone could call this performance dull is beyond me. Masterful..

Instead of relying on a bit of facial hair, bad wigs and the ever-popular glasses to conceal your identity or blend better into your surroundings, you may feel the need to take more drastic measures. As a practical consideration, I�m providing you with a huge selection of masks to be used in everyday situations as well as those formal, special occasions requiring white tie and tails. You can choose from Tony Blair, your favorite prime minister, to David Letterman, a US talk show host who you�ve never met. Take a look: Variety is the spice of life! Another great choice would be: Just print it out and mount the image on a stick, like this: Nobody, but nobody, is going to spot you with one of these beauties. Enjoy!

Yowzer! Those first four altered photos of Colin are absolutely creepy, Karen! Great idea, Linda! I tit, I titted, I shall tit. ;-)

LOL, Karen. They can all be considered as TITs, too. (Karen)Now, why didn't you suggest this? Because it came to me quite late last night. Back to the wall, and all that. (Kathryn)I shall tit. ;-) Please, please, please, feel free to TIT. Don't leave your TITs at the door! (Felicity)well, one of the top thirty funniest men in the world at least. LOL, Felicity! crap photos Always better than better than NO photos!

LOL, Karen. They can all be considered as TITs, too. Make that--they can all be considered as titties, too. Loved your choices and creepy hair photos.

Have enjoyed all the birthday posts so far, ladies. Think I could have got into the TITs also.

Yooo hooo ...Col, honey... evelyn here I don't care what anyone else says... I liked Aurelius Keep the action films coming Psst...But next time skip the cheesy dialogue;-)

I'm with you about Aurelius, Evelyn. Swash that buckle! :-)

I wouldn�t miss this party for nothing in the world! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, COLIN! May all your wishes come true! Thank you for making my life happier and my days brighter! I�m proud of beiing your fan. Ladies, enjoy the party!

Colin, a fellow ecologist and documentary maker has dropped by to say, "If I can get to Hollywood, why can�t you?"

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, COLIN! Hope you have a good day!

Evelyn dear, did you just show up as a clam? I thought we were doing titties? ;-) (Roo) And no, what you did in Atom�s film does not count. (Karen), You sure, for him? Moon, you sheltered little thing. ;-) LOL, yes, totally sheltered and totally wicked. Remember last year? ;-))) I just can't get behind it as well as Roo can. ;-D

Carissimo Colin Buon 47 compleanno! Since you have become by marriage, un fratello 'italia, I thought you might enjoy a live performance: give it up for Paolo Conte: Azzurro: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPMn6bay3WY and who can forget the Azzurri masterpiece at last year's world cup: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nzlEi8dOVog&NR=1 and the classic: Vieni via con me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XxOqE1bEA_Q CHEERS!

Oh wow man.like everything was big and purple for a moment there. Has it gone?

Have you been hitting the mushrooms again, Felicity? You know the rule, pass them around. ;-D

I've been censored,oh well. Back to HTML school.

Colin, make sure the new store has an eco-bar. Love those green cocktails!

My computer went into meltdown! probably my next piece of work, sent it over the edge ;-) anyway, I'm back...............

What could be better, Schubert playing softly in the background, at just the right tempo! a glass of bubbly (chilled)! It's now time to perform one of your latest masterpieces, Colin!

Pausing incase it disappears...that's the PG version right? Nice panelling on that bath, Sue. Here you are Moon...passing it around.

LOL, would it class as a NC17? ;-)

LOL, Felicity, was your's X rated? I'm curious ;-)

No, Felicity didn't close any of her tags. She's free to repost if she fixes her HTML.

I didn't think so, but the boss is deleting herself so who knows(joke!!). If a red arsed monkey can make the cut, mine should have done.I think i missed a / somewhere.

Best wishes to you, Colin, from Rita and me and the other producers of Mamma Mia!

I found the missing /, I think. But the moment has gone really. Waiting to plunge everything big and purple again. By the way...how's that bottle of wine going Sue? Billy no mates,secret party animal, must have either the wrong day or place..but surely not, it's his Birthday after all. Still, at least I've got my bottle of water. Doesn't seem like much of a Birthday Party to me. Oh..hang on...here comes someone Hello!! !!!...no really loads of people will be along later...sorry I don't get that..the springs down?.......ok you'll be back ...look can you bring some alcohol or something...balloons.....I'll swap shirts.......Bastards!!

That was a titty in case anybody wondered. ;-)

Great job with the bathtub, Sue! I love how his knee comes up.....er, that was his knee, right?

Yeah, I thought maybe Nessie might surface.

Lol, Barb, not want't to spoil your illusions, but it's supposed to be his knee, there again..................... ;-)

Blimey, I can't keep up with the posts, but am loving the party. When computer went into meltdown, otally forgot to chill my bottle of PG :-( so I am stone cold sober, yikes! ;-)

Well, Colin, what would you like for your birthday song this year? Hmmmmm, that requires some serious consideration. Any song I want, right? Aha, I've got it! I'd like to take a tip from Linda and hear "TIT-willow, TIT-willow, TIT-willow! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GjQoHZfxdGs&mode=related&search=

Frothy, old boy, you are so very clever. I can see you're preparing for the future in case this movie business goes to pot. Shop keeping is a very respectable profession. Speaking of pot, I've found a product you might want to consider stocking at ECO. And, your ECO team should consider negotiating an exclusive contract with Ealing Studios. �Green� red carpets are all the rage, right now.

(Kathryn) "TIT-willow, TIT-willow, TIT-willow! How very apropos given who appeared in the movie Topsy-Turvy! ;-) Linda, you're on a roll...have you rolled one for me?

Oooh, don't talk NC17 stuff. I have one but don't know if I'm a true titty;-) Karen, LOL, a titty monkey. Sue, lovely bath scene, but WTF is nessy? (Kathryn)Tit-Willow This is for you dear Kathryn: ARTIST: Gilbert and Sullivan TITLE: Tit-Willow Lyrics [Mikado] On a tree by a river a little tom-tit Sang "Willow, titwillow, titwillow" And I said to him, "Dicky-bird, why do you sit Singing 'Willow, titwillow, titwillow'" "Is it weakness of intellect, birdie?" I cried "Or a rather tough worm in your little inside" With a shake of his poor little head, he replied "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!" He slapped at his chest, as he sat on that bough Singing "Willow, titwillow, titwillow" And a cold perspiration bespangled his brow Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow He sobbed and he sighed, and a gurgle he gave Then he plunged himself into the billowy wave And an echo arose from the suicide's grave "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow" Now I feel just as sure as I'm sure that my name Isn't Willow, titwillow, titwillow That 'twas blighted affection that made him exclaim "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow" And if you remain callous and obdurate, I Shall perish as he did, and you will know why Though I probably shall not exclaim as I die "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow"

And I said to him, "Dicky-bird, More of those NC-17 lyrics! Was Nessie before your time? I didn't think so.

Bethan can better explain about Nessie, which was before the emergence of Death Date, there were people who counted glassblocks and frames. ;-)

(Karen) have you rolled one for me? Here you go, Boss. This one's for you

Lol, Can anyone direct me to Nessie, via the blocks? ;-)

(Karen) Was Nessie before your time? I didn't think so I think you need a good hit. LOL, I posted an animated nessie, years ago. The "W" in WTF is nessie stands for Where TF is nessie.

(Karen)Yeah, I thought maybe Nessie might surface. Wouldn't be a hint, by any chance? ;-D Think my computer would go up in flames, either that or I get banned for violation of terms and conditions, from my upload site ;-)

Thanks, I needed that after the technical problems today!

Come on Moon let someone else have a go.

This was supposed to be the pic on firth.com's main page, along with the link:

LOL, I just came across that same photo. Definitely a titty, No? (Sue) Wouldn't be a hint, by any chance? ;-D No, a challenge;-)Take a hit from Karen's. It'll will give you courage. I'm going to need a pound;-) Working with my titty's all day has caused me to resurrect an abandoned idea. Not that I need to get any more ideas. Back to work. Oh, look. I found a junior titty at the door:

Another titty, actually a paparazzi pic from that yacht off Skiathos:

Oh yuch he just popped, thanks a bunch Karen.

I'm locating Nessie, right now! be back in a Mo! ;-)

LOL! Lord, Karen! (Felicity), Come on Moon let someone else have a go. LOL! I have never hogged a joint in my life. Excellent idea, Linda! Go green!

I loved the masks idea Karen! ;-) Lol, Felicity, the shirt swapping ;-) Evelyn, your dancing bear is cute ;-) Anyway, here's Nessie! ;-D

pssst, Boss! is this going out live?

An important 'green' person must attend the the Big Green Gathering in Somerset, UK every year: Where frolicking with the fairies is always a plan. Adding more green drinks to this party: For he's a jolly green fellow...

Nope, it hasn't yet.

Hey, Colin! Good luck on that film with Helen and have a great birthday!

(Sue) pssst, Boss! is this going out live? LOL, Sue. I was just about to ask the same. Oooh, a nice, long, green and bouncing nessie. That's the green spirit! And we can make nessie a titty, too! (Karen) Nope, it hasn't yet. OK, that's all I needed.

So! Linda, don't keep us in suspenders, where's your dirty pic? ;-)

(with apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan) On a chair on the film set a Colin-TIT Sang, Willow, TITwillow, TITwillow And I said to him, Nessie-chap, why do you sit Singing Willow, TITwillow, TITwillow Is it choosing weak projects, Colin? I cried Or working for friends to not damage their pride With a shake of his curled wavy head, he replied Oh, willow, TITwillow, TITwillow! He slapped at his chest (that's one for Sue!), as he sat on that chair Singing Willow, TITwillow, TITwillow And a warm breeze blew in ruffling his thinned hair Oh, willow, TITwillow, TITwillow He sobbed and he sighed, and a gurgle he gave Then he plunged himself into a convenient nave And a prayer rose for a career being saved Oh, willow, TITwillow, TITwillow. Now I fell just as sure as I'm sure that my name Isn't Willow, TITwillow, TITwillow That 'twas frustrated ambitions made him exclaim Oh, willow, TITwillow, TITwillow And like other Droolers who respect your skills, I Shall hope worthwhile strong scripts with lead roles soon come by Though I'll still follow you to the day that I die Oh, willow, TITwillow, TITwillow. Loved your Nessie, Sue!

Oh, bugger!--first line last stanza-that's "feel" and not "fell"

Wished I could have found a shocked looking Colin pic for when Nessie dives, but couldn't locate one fast enough, Oh well! ;-) (Kathryn)He slapped at his chest (that's one for Sue!), as he sat on that chair Lol, you know me *too* well ;-D and btw, I'm saving your WOF pic, think I will go spin the tape through the machine again, in the not too distant future ;-)

Why do I get all death boxes?

And like other Droolers who respect your skills, I Shall hope worthwhile strong scripts with lead roles soon come by Though I'll still follow you to the day that I die Aw! Isn't that lovely, Kathryn! Great job, O Lady O Rhyme!

Linda, I know that sex toys are usually your specialty, but since you brought up suggestions for stocking the shelves at Eco, I thought you might wished to check out some eco sex toys: And what about this guide for the eco savvy customer: Getting it on for the good of the planet The Greenpeace Guide to Environmentally-Friendly Sex Amsterdam, Netherlands � Are you wondering what more you can do to help the planet? You take your bike to work, eat organic, but want to do more. At long last we have looked into one of humanity�s favourite pastimes and uncovered the passion that can make a difference for our environment. You can be a bomb in bed without nuking the planet. 1. Turn off the lights. We all have to do our part to stop climate change, energy reduction and energy efficiency are an important part of changing our energy culture. If you want to see your partner, or what you are doing, have sex during the day. 2. Passion for fruit? If you like to use produce to get the blood boiling, make sure it is GE-free. There have not been enough studies on genetically engineered foods to know what the effects on our diets will be, let alone the affects of using it for more intimate activities. 3.Oysters and other shellfish can be potent aphrodisiacs, but our oceans are being destroyed at an unprecedented rate - we need to stop plundering for pleasure. Instead you can support sustainable community-based operations in the Amazon rainforest choosing from two popular and plentiful herbal and fruit drinks, guaran� and caju, for more than just a clean conscience. 4. Is your yard a safe place to do the deed? Forget about the nosy neighbours, are you using pesticides and chemical fertilisers on your lawn and garden? Would you really want to set your bare bottom on weed killer? Make the switch to natural fertilisers and pest management, and take a roll in the hay. 5. Forget the fossil fuel based lubricants like petroleum jelly! Esso's screwing the planet, but you don't have to. 6. Have you got something more than a good time up your sleeve. Could it be polyvinyl chloride? Ditch the PVC and vinyl accessories for your playtime. The production of PVC creates and releases one of the most toxic chemicals - dioxin. You also don’t want to be sucking on that stuff. The use of PVC in young children’s toys has already been banned in many countries. Instead, opt for accessories made from natural substances like rubber or leather. 7. Helping the planet can be an arousing activity. Soap up together in the shower or bath to save water and create passion for more than the environment. More than one billion people do not have access to clean water, it is a luxury, and should definitely be shared with a friend. 8. Ok, I’m not sure what you would use them for, never done so myself, ahem, but if you wanted some paddles for something other than rowing, please, for god’s sake, make sure they are made from sustainably harvested timber. Look for timber, paddles, whatever, certified by the only internationally recognised ecological forest certification organisation, the Forest Stewardship Council, or FSC. 9. Role playing games can be fun as long as both partners are consenting and comfortable with the boundaries. So if you and your partner want to dress up and play "George Bush and Corporate America at the Earth Summit" or other S&M style games, agree on what's permissible and what's not up front. And remember that games - like fantasies - are not real life. 10. Make love, not war.

LOL, Moon. I posted just before you. Now I don't feel so bad;-) LOL, I love sex toys. But green sex just isn't my style;-) And now, a tasteful, reverent and on-theme message:

OMG, Linda!!! I can hear you, but I didn't wish to see you! LOL! You will NOT live that one down. ;-)

Now, now I choose to open up the gates? Linda, that has to be your worst yet. LOL!

OMG, Linda! and just as I am going to bed, that'll give me nightmares, that's for sure and there was me thinking it was something sexy! Thank goodness for my SOS trusty pillow ;-) Night, Night All. It's been a fun party!

It's getting to be cake time!

But the sentimental nuts (besides me) on this board...here's a nice finale . http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hfTCqJg-Tn0&mode=related&search=

LOL, Sue, by chance you picked the pose of the Jolly Green Giant! Lovely cake, Karen.

The birthday got me to stop by but it was memories of Nessie and counting glass blocks that got me to post! Brilliant as always! And thanks, Kathryn for the SOS pictorial! Happy Birthday, Colin! Wishing you a great birthday and a wonderful next year!

HO,HO, HO,(sung in tune of Green giant) lol, Moon, great minds, an all that jazz ;-) Night, Night!

Sue! Great work today!

Thanks for the link, Evelyn. All those wonderful smiles...and OMG that second look from WAGW...thud, sigh, melting knees. :-) BTW, for clarification, my TIT's refer to Linda's wording and not the baboon.

(Karen) Now, now I choose to open up the gates? LOL, you said we were private! OYE, OYE. Let me have some of that herbal tea;-) Night all, Thanks for making me laugh all day.

Linda: Should I take it down?

Linda, would you be offended if I voiced a wish that that particular photo be removed?

Happy Birthday, Colin!

Reposting most of Linda's from above ;-) WARNING!!! The following Tasteless, Irreverent, and Semi-Themeless public service announcement absolutely contains nudity. Viewer discretion is strongly advised. Folks, are you tired of missing those calls for Spectacular Oscar Starring roles? Missing messages from A-List Directors? Producers? The So Graham Norton Show? Then you seriously need to reconsider the location of your cell phones (mobiles, for our UK viewers). Don't let this happen to you! [Use your imagination for the pic. Better yet, hie thee to a gutter]

Damn, I missed the totally tasteless pic! ;-) LOL at the refreshments--weed, absinthe, and 'shrooms! Argggggh, the itty bitty tit-ty Sangster showed up--Linda, wot were you thinking? ;-) Great going, ladies!!!

(Lisa) Argggggh, the itty bitty tit-ty Sangster showed up Wait until the junior titty announces he's going to appear in the next London revival of Equus!

Thank you, ladies, for a terrific birthday party, and thank you, Karen, for getting Drool back on line this morning and keeping everything running along all day. :-) TITwillow twitters, "Ta-ta and good night."

Well Colin, another year has gone by and you still seem to be having issues when it comes to choosing film roles. This year I've decided to send you a little help in the form of a personal guru! Guru: How can I be of service? Me: Colin needs your help. The two of you have long been on parallel career paths but lately he has made some bad choices. You both have a lot in common and with your recent Hollywood success, I thought you'd be the perfect one to guide Colin down the path of enlightenment. Guru: We have a lot in common? Me: Yes, you both prefer the quirky independent film roles. You both prefer roles with less dialogue. Both of you strive to keep your private life private - and normal. You both play the guitar to relax. You both have portrayed disturbed men in a David Koepp film. Both of you do a great Harry Potter impersonation. You both still manage to look sexy wearing Elvis sideburns - even while bathing? Guru: What exactly is he doing in that bathtub? Is he grieving or... EEWWWWWW! Me: Never mind that! Will you take the job? Guru: Can you afford my fee? I made 92 million dollars alone for the second Pirate movie. Me: Yes, I know... That is taken care of. I've entered you in the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes. You might already be a winner! Guru: That sweepstakes is only for 10 million. How are you going to pay the other 82? Me: I've entered you 10 times. The way I see it, if you win, you owe me an 8 million-dollar rebate. Guru: What is really terrifying is that logic almost makes sense... Oh well, anything to help a fellow Brit! Me: I don't know if anyone has told you, but you're not British... A short while later: Guru: Knock, knock Colin: Who's there? Depp:It is I, Johny Depp. I've been hired to be your personal guru! Colin: Oh! Yes, I was told you were coming. Depp: I've recently become a Hollywood success and still managed to keep some self-respect and you can too! We just need too figure out what I've done in my career that you haven't. Depp: For example, I started out playing a cop on a TV show. Colin: Me too! Depp: One of my first films was a teen sex romp. Colin: Mine too. Depp: Since then I have worked with some respectable actors: Brando, Pacino... Colin: O'Toole, Olivier... Depp: Judi Dench? Colin: Twice! Depp: I've been privileged to star in films with beautiful dialogue. What about you? Colin: Have you seen the Last Legion? Depp: No. Audience: Neither did anyone else. To be continued

Depp: Seriously? No one bothered to warn you about Joan Rivers? Dude! Depp: Oh! We're back! Maybe it's a karma thing... Have you tried mentoring a talented young actor? I have Freddy Highmore. Colin: I have Thomas Sangster. Depp: (Screams) Devil child! Depp: I know! Let's try an acting exercise! Pretend that Quentin Tarantino has asked you to star in another Kill Bill movie. This is Bill - now kill him! Colin: That's not Bill, it is Thomas Depp: For this exercise we are calling him Bill. Work with me! Audience: Kill Bill! Kill Bill! Colin: I just can't... Audience: %*&#^$^@! Depp: I've got it! I wear odd hats, maybe you should try it. Audience: groans Depp: Umm, I made 92 million dollars last year for a Pirate sequel. Have you ever tried working in a sequel? Colin: I was in Bridget Jones II... Wait, did you say 92 million? I don't think even Hugh Grant got paid that much... Maybe I *should* consider a third Bridget movie. Audience: HELL NO! Depp: What about your athletic skills? How's your sword fighting? Colin: Excellent! Any idea why we are dueling? Depp: It appears the author is having a Mr. Darcy vs. a pirate fantasy. I'm worried that she might like you better and have me fall and be pierced by your enchanted sword. Depp:You'll always be Mr. Darcy to me... Audience: Oh goodie! Slash! Author: Stop it! That wasn't in the script! Depp: She's no fun... Colin:I am an excellent horse rider -are you? Depp: Not bad Audience: Why can't we get Colin to ride in the buff? Depp: Speaking of nudity, I've bared my bottom in a movie. Colin: Me too -more than that even! Have you ever seen the German version of Playmaker? Depp: Hmm, this gives me an idea! My pirate of questionable sexuality did wonders for my career. 92 million wonders! Colin: I know, you've mentioned it -besides, I've played a homosexual before. Depp: Yeah? Well, I had a controversial sex film last year! Colin: Me too - I gave Kevin Bacon one too many thrusts. Depp: Really? I haven't done that yet. Someone call my agent! Depp:(scratches head) Umm, How's your on screen kissing talent? Colin: I've had lessons... To be continued

Depp: Hmmm...I've worked with some quirky, yet talented Directors. What about you? Colin:(Laughs) ummm...well... Depp: Let's try another exercise! This time you are in a remake of the Wizard of Oz. You are Dorothy and your goal is to tell all those freeloaders that you meet on the road to get lost. This will enable you to get to Oscar - oops - I meant Oz - faster and make it home to Kansas before dinner. I borrowed your neighbor's dog. He can play Toto. Colin: Why am I in drag? Depp: Would your wife mind if I borrowed this dress? You're in drag so you can get in touch with your feminine side! I dress up as a woman all the time in my films and I thought you should try it. Audience: NO! Depp: OK, here come your freeloaders - remember to just say no. Mike Binder: If I only had a brain... Atom Egoyan: If I only had an R... Beeban Kidron: If only someone would have had the courage to fire me from the sequel... Marc Evans:(monkey chatter) Colin: BAD DOG! The tin man will rust! Colin: These guys look promising. I think I'd prefer to befriend them rather than tell them no... Audience: He just doesn't get it... Depp: Look, another one of those flying monkeys has come to hinder your career! Allow me to remove him for you. Depp: I'm running out of ideas... Perhaps we need to focus on the future. I am starring in a musical and broadening my horizons. I'm playing Sweeney Todd. Meat pie? Colin: Thank you. I am singing in a musical too. Going to play a dancing queen actually. Umm, this meat pie tastes like Thomas Sangster. Depp: No it doesn't... Colin: Yes, look there I just bit into one of his beady little eyes... Depp: I give up! Later: Guru: Here is your 92 million dollars back. I don't think I got through to him. Me: This is why I bought a back-up gift. It's a special edition game of Operation so he can practice taking pacemakers out of dead bodies. Guru: I'm sorry that I wasn't much of a help to your cause. Me: Oh, I don't care about the cause. I only gave him a gift so he'd notice me. Guru: ... Audience: Not to worry, we chipped in and got Colin another guru. His tactics are less subtle than Depp's. Matt Foley: You'll think differently when you're living in A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER! The end Disclaimer: No animals or annoying child actors were harmed in the making of this birthday story

OMG, Joy!! Maria and I are ROTFLOAO!!!! Way too hysterical!! *clap, clap* TITS!!, LOL!! Last minute thoughts and deadlines were always my best inspiration also. We're sorry we missed the controversial picture though. :-( Linda, you naughty minx. ;-) Just catching up....sorry we missed most of the festivities. Looks like it was fun.

Meant to say last night (but distracted capturing Nessie) Lisa, I loved your dancing pic. Was the Bollywood style intentional? It was too funny ;-) Maryjoy, Excellent, what can I say, almost spat out my banana this morning, way too funny. Thanks for a great party, ladies! back in a mo, with an exlusive offer, available only to Spring ladies!

Before Colin pulled the plug on his dramatic bath performance last night. Being 'Eco' friendly, waste not, want not! He insisted on bottling the props. 'Hot off', the production line (Production for Spring, being top notch, gold plate!) the first wave has been offered to the ladies of Spring! So, it's up for grabs ladies! Hurry! whilst stocks last! Psst! One luck Spring lady (mention no name as this is *live*!) whom claimed the water as her keep! gets a complimentary free bottle, with Colin's compliments! ;-)

Ops!

Am turning into a morning serial poster ;-) Also meant to say Thanks, Boss, for the Nighty, night organic herbal! I sure needed it, after Linda's shocker ;-) Psst, Linda! due to technical glitches........ wanted to let you know, I emailed the other day, hope it got through?

That was amazing Mary Joy! And the bit you decided not to include was pretty funny as well!!.

Holy private/public confusion, Batman. That photo was meant for private party consumption, only! Blame it on Moon, she got me going with the sex toys!;-))

Hi Mary Joy! Great post to find first thing in the morning, and I loved the Wizard of Oz "Mike Binder: If I only had a brain...etc." ROFLMAO!!!! Perfect!

Joy, what a wonderfully creative mind you have. Fantastic from start to finish. You deserve a complimentary bottle of Colin bath water. Sue, will you arrange that? :-)

lol, Kathryn, I'm sure I can rustle up a bottle for Joy. I still need to supply our frend with her complimentary bottle, over on keeps. Let me check the stock level and get back to you ;-)

Mike Binder: If I only had a brain... Atom Egoyan: If I only had an R... Beeban Kidron: If only someone would have had the courage to fire me from the sequel... Marc Evans:(monkey chatter) *snort* You know my adoration for the first guy, in particular, though I'm told Atom is quite nice. Joy, your Wizard of Oz was great! And Toto too! Devil Child Meat Pies? Sounds good to me! Sue, your bottled water flying off store shelves!

I am only just catching up to the party now, but Joy, OMIGOD! Too funny! Tom Sangster meat pies from the Demon Barber of Fleet Street. Colin as Dorothy. All this and Matt Foley, too.:-) Mike Binder: If I only had a brain... Atom Egoyan: If I only had an R... Beeban Kidron: If only someone would have had the courage to fire me from the sequel... Marc Evans:(monkey chatter) Brilliant!:-)

Colin, I too saw the Premiere of "And When Did You Last See Your Father" at EIFF on 23rd August. I totally reiterate Felicity's words. Your performance of Blake was outstanding,with full range of emotions. Felt like I was actually there, experiencing Blake's pain! I thereby award you with Sue's special Oscar and Bafta Award! OK, my version might only be gold foil coated candy, but you certainly are deserving of the *real deal* with this role. Excellent!

Yes, indeed, best wishes to Mr. Firth. Now, Joy, that was brilliant, I can't even pick just one to comment on. (Linda), Blame it on Moon, she got me going with the sex toys!;-)) LOL! No way in hell are you going to blame that on me. Great party favors, Sue. And another wonderful party to remember. Thank you ladies!

Moon! I've been meaning to ask, which album did you give Colin this year? did I miss it?

I do give Colin albums every year, because he liked Wilco's last one so much, I have given him: Post War by M.Ward Soul Parade by Jesse DiNatale Volta by Bjork Enjoy, Colin!

Cheers! Moon, I wondered whether you would give Spoon's new one, "GA GA GA GA GA" ;-) BTW, Moon, loved your "Getting it on for the good of the planet" I laughed out loud whilst reading. DH thought I had gone Ga Ga..... ;-) No offense intended, Colin, my question about the new Spoon album (which btw, is pretty good, actually ;-)) was quite genuine ;-)

Moon! I hope you won't mind if I add the ga,ga,ga,ga, ga album to Colin's album collectoin? http://www.mergerecords.com/gagagajuke/

By all means, add to the collection, Sue. Sue), BTW, Moon, loved your "Getting it on for the good of the planet" I laughed out loud whilst reading. There is nothing greener than Greenpeace. A little print out they can place on the table with the books at Eco. ;-D The new Spoon still has to grow on me, but I love the fourth song.

Lol, Moon, they could make a laminate of it ;-) I know what you mean about the new Spoon album. It's not an immediate favorite with me either. A little too mainstream really.

(Felicity) And the bit you decided not to include was pretty funny as well!!. LOL, and that was the edited version. ;-) Thank you everyone! Great party this year! I'm sorry I'm a little behind on my comments. Karen, I love your opening! Perfect! Those disguises you gave Colin will probably give me nightmares, lol. Kathryn, you are a true poet! Barbara and Evelyn: I agree, Colin needs to sign up for more action films! Sue, Wow! I love your animated bathtub and Nessie sighting! I really want a bottle of that water if there is one available! Lisa, those dreads and Disco Colin are too funny! Hope he never goes for either look in real life, LOL. Moon, Thank you for the environment friendly sex tips. I'm afraid you might have started a strange Eco fetish. Call me immoral, but I just don't think I can work up a fantasy involving Al Gore. ;-) Linda, That was certainly unique... I don't think I will ever again be able to borrow another person's cell phone to make a call. ;-)

I missed Linda's unique party favor :( Can someone please describe it? Is this topic private again?

What wonderful imaginations you have ladies! Great work! Linda, you're a bad girl - put me off using my mobile. Eewwww!!

(Tina) Can someone please describe it? Is this topic private again? This topic is still public. If Linda wants to describe it or post it again (temporarily), go over to the Help topic and then I'll delete it later. [So that means, Kathryn, stay away from Help for a bit.]

The weirdest thing is I can't even figure out what words Linda used to Google that image. ;-)

(Karen) So that means, Kathryn, stay away from Help for a bit. Will do. :-)

(Karen)The weirdest thing is I can't even figure out what words Linda used to Google that image. ;-) Yeah Linda could you just gives us the words and then anyone who really needs to see it can google it for themselves!

(Karen)The weirdest thing is I can't even figure out what words Linda used to Google that image. ;-) Simply, can you hear me now. I was actually looking for the Verizon guy and something to get my post going, as I had no idea what I was going to do with that theme. All very innocent and in keeping with the original topic at hand. I saved it and when I went back days later I couldn't find it. But the url, LOL was Wowands**t.com I haven't been to that site, but I can only imagine. Uh, if you're going to that website the ** are not stars, obviously. (Karen)If Linda wants to describe it or post it again (temporarily). LOL, no way can I put that into words, Karen. It was so offensive, I offended myself:-)))))))) Not! However, given the topic, and finding that photo with the exact caption of our theme--I couldn't resist. But, next time, if we're in "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" mode then I need warning that we're not in Vegas anymore;-) But, I have had several requests for it so if you e-mail me Tina and Felicity I'll send you the link. You're on your own.

No please don't send me the link...

Here's a little something for those still suffering the aftershock of Linda's 'mobile phone/cellphone' post ;-)) Hey! The Spring Bathwater Store is now open. Come on in Ladies, the waters fine! :-)

Sue, do you accept PayPal?? I want to order.

Damn...I never saw Linda's pic...that's what I get for scrolling through long posts. I'll pass on the bath water, but Linda pl send me the link.

LOL, Sue, does that water come in gallons?

PS,pssst... Linda, I promise not to tell the nuns;-)

Waters from the Spring! That's great, Sue. Maybe I should add your new item "Blake Morrison bathwater" to the Boutique. ;-)

Hey,one thing I want to know--is this water Green and Eco friendly? Another product for Rupe to add to his sales pitch;-) (Evelyn) Linda, I promise not to tell the nuns;-) ROTF, it's not the nuns I'm worried about;-))

Lol, Karen, not so sure the *real* Blake Morrison's bathwater would sell, but it's a fair bet some Colin Firth bathwater might be a winner ;-) (Linda) does that water come in gallons? 'Spring waters' always listens to customer feedback ;-)

(Linda)Hey,one thing I want to know--is this water Green and Eco friendly? Hey, Linda! weren't you paying attention 'Spring Waters' original sales pitch? ;-) ;-) Before Colin pulled the plug on his dramatic bath performance last night. Being 'Eco' friendly, waste not, want not! He insisted on bottling the props.

Then it must be in limited supply, but there may have been an unusually large number of takes...to get it just right. ;-)

Lol,Karen ;-D

(Sue)Hey, Linda! weren't you paying attention 'Spring Waters' original sales pitch? LOL, No. My mind was otherwise, engaged;-)