Delighted you appreciate lawyers as much as the rest of us do! A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy appeared; and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand; and boom, she had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than I." The fairy picked up her wand; and boom, he was 90.

RELIGIOUS PHILOSOPHIES OF THE WORLD IN A NUTSHELL Catholicism: If shit happens, I deserve it. Protestantism: Shit won't happen if I work harder. Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to me? Buddhism: When shit happens, is it really shit? Islam: If shit happens, take a hostage. Hinduism: This shit happened before. Hare Krishna: Shit happens Rama Lama Ding Dong. Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit.

SEX!!!!! What do I know about sex? I'm a married man." Tom Clancy "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." Steve Martin "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good." Woody Allen "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,you'd better have a good hand." Unknown "If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." Rodney Dangerfield "My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet." Bill Kelly "As the French say, there are three sexes-men, women and clergymen." Rev. Sydney Smith "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." Woody Allen "I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty." George Burns "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." Matt Barry "You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither." Drew Carey "Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." Camille Paglia "Life is a sexually transmitted disease." Unknown "My kid had sex with your honor student." Bumper Sticker "Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast." Woody Allen "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." George Burns "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." Henry Miller "The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision." Lynn Lavner "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 600SL convertible." P. J. O'Rourke

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." "It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny." "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a politician, a lawyer, or possibly someone in upper management."

Bumper Stickers -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- 1. Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an ass. 2. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you! 3. Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date! 4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. 5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. 7. Hang up and drive. 8. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings" 9. Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends 10. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted. 11. Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself. 12. The proctologist called, they found your head. 13. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film. 14. Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people "Everybody But Me." 15. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me. 16. Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

A man is driving down the road and sees a sign saying... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES He thinks it was a figment of his imagination - and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads... SISTERS OF MERCY He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks... "What may we do for you my son?" "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers. "Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun. He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this door" and leaves. The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He places the money in this nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, which slams shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: "Go in Peace. You have just been fornicated by the Sisters of Mercy."

Did you ever wonder where the saying "you gotta' be shittin'me!" came from? Well, in a contemporary account from the Revolutionary War comes the answer. When George Washington and his troops were crossing the Delaware River, they were packed tightly into their boats. It was extremely dark and storming furiously as they were tossed back and forth with little visibility. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him in the prow of the boat with a lantern. He ordered Peters to swing it back and forth so they could see where they were going. Corporal Peters stood up braving the wind and driving rain, swinging the lantern back and forth. After a while, a big gust of wind hit the boat and knocked Corporal Peters and his lantern over the side and into the cold waters of the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for almost an hour for Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible for Peters had been one of the favorite non-coms of the ragged force. When Washington and his troops landed on the far shore sometime later, they were wet, sad and totally exhausted. However, the General rallied the troops and told them they must go on. Finally, when Washington and his troops began to feel there was no way they could go any further, one of his men cried out, "General, I see lights ahead!" They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge brightly lit house in the middle of the woods. What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open and the proprietress looked out to see Washington and all his men standing there. A huge smile spread across her face to see so many potential customers standing there. Washington spoke up, "Madam, I am General George Washington of the Continental Army and these are my men. We are tired and exhausted and desperately in need of warmth and comfort for a while." Again the madam looked out at all the men standing there and with a broad smile on her face said, "Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?" Washington responded, "Well, Madam, there are thirty-two of us without Peters." The proprietress in a tone of total disbelief cried out, "You gotta' be shittin' me!"

Social Security... A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for his benefits. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and comeback later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his social security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have gotten disability too." (Thanks to DB for this one!)

Jsk, thanks for this one. WHY MEN ARE NOT SECRETARIES Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife: Someone from the Guyna College called. They said Pabst beer is normal.

Jsk strikes again. This bit of intelligence is from him with thanks from me: STRANGE SEX LAWS 1. In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. 2. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. 3. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. 4. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. 5. There are men in Guam whose full time job is to travel the countryside ! and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time...Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. 6. In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. 7. Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. 8. In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. 9. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. 10. In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

Observations on Sex... * "What do I know about sex? I'm a married man." Tom Clancy * "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." Steve Martin * "You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither." Drew Carey * "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good." Woody Allen * "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Unknown * "If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." Rodney Dangerfield * "My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet." Bill Kelly * "As the French say, there are three sexes-men, women and clergymen." Rev. Sydney Smith * "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." Woody Allen * "Homosexuality is God's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren't burdened with children." Sam Austin * "I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty." George Burns * "I can remember when riding motorcycles was dangerous and sex was safe." Unknown * "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." Matt Barry * "Life is a sexually transmitted disease." Unknown * "My kid had sex with your honor student." Bumper Sticker [I think this was my pick of the bunch!] * "My sexual preference is not you." T-shirt * "Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life." Michael Sinz * "Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast." Woody Allen * "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." George Burns * "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." Henry Miller * "The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision." Lynn Lavner * "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible." P. J. ORourke

Old Rafferty married a young lady 30 years his junior and soon afterward died of a heart attack -- leaving the poor girl penniless. Rafferty's friends and neighbors decided to hold a raffle to raise money for the young widow. McCarran, the chairman, met Calhoon coming out of a saloon. "We're having a big raffle for the widow Rafferty," said McCarran. "How about buying a ticket?" "I'd sure like to, but I couldn't," said Calhoon. "My wife wouldn't let me keep her even if I won her!"

THE FARMER One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem how to carry all of his purchases home. The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

my non-PC offering for the season.. Why are the Arab terrorists so quick to commit suicide? Let's see now: No premarital sex. No oral sex ever. No booze. No titty bars. No playboy channel. No organized sports of any kind to speak of. Hooters. "What is this Hooters of which you speak!" Damned sand everywhere. Ever fish at an oasis? Rags for clothes and hats. Eating with your right hand only cause you wipe your ass with your left. Constant wailing from the asshole next door, no wait, is that music? Shit can't tell. Bar-B-Q cooked over camel dung. Prayer five times a day. The women have to wear baggy dresses and veil's. Oh, and by the way when you die it all gets better! No wonder suicide is a blessing to them !!!!!!!

From my favorite poubelle (guess what they say about Texas is true!) A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth." The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised"

IMPORTANT NOTICE Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be more alert and cautious when accepting a drink offer from a woman. There is a date rape drug going around called "beer" and it appears in liquid form. The drug is being used by female sexual predators at parties to persuade male victims to have sex with them. "Beer" is available virtually anywhere. All a woman has to do is persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against such attacks. After several "beers" men will often succumb to performing sex acts on horrific looking women who they would never normally be attracted to. Men often wake up after having "beer" with only hazy memories of what happened to them the night before - just a vague feeling something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men might be conned into a familiar scam known as "a relationship" - apparently men are easier victims for this scam after the "beer" has been administered and they have already been sexually attacked. Forward this alert to every male you know..........However, if you fall victim to this insidious drug and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open manner with a bunch of similarly affected victims. For your nearest support group, look up "Taverns" in the yellow pages.

From jsk with thanks for assisting in my corruption... Rubber thingy An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls. As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip." The old man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today."

Merry Christmas from a gentleman who will remain anonymous... WHY CHRISTMAS TREES ARE BETTER THAN MEN 1. A Christmas tree is always erect. 2. Even small ones give satisfaction. 3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights. 4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even when it's lit. 5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size. 6. A Christmas tree has cute balls. 7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls. 8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it wears out. 9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year 10. You only have to feed/water it once a week. 11. It's always there to light up your life. 12. It gets turned on only when you want it turned on. 13. It always smells nice and doesn't pass gas. 14. If it needles you, you can toss it out. 15. It doesn't ask you to have little Christmas trees.

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation. One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die." She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"

A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Here goes my sterling reputation, but these were too good to leave to cyber anonymity: Tatu say they have sex three times a day Lesbian pop duo Tatu claim they have sex with each other three times a day. 08:37 Tuesday 25th March 2003 Swede lost temper after finding girlfriend in bed with three men A Swedish man lost his temper when he came home to find his 51-year-old girlfriend in bed with three other men. 14:08 Monday 24th March 2003 Drivers 'put sexual thrills ahead of safety' Drivers are said to be putting behind-the-wheel sexual thrills above safety, according to a study. 11:57 Monday 24th March 2003 Kama Sutra manual to go on stage Two actors are to perform every position in the Kama Sutra in a controversial new play inspired by the sex guide. 11:11 Monday 24th March 2003 'Kidnapped' wife found in bed with another man An Italian who reported his wife had been kidnapped was shocked when police found her in a hotel bedroom with another man. 14:18 Thursday 20th March 2003 Women jeer strippers hidden by tiny stage Hundreds of Belgian women jeered a group of Canadian male strippers because they could only see their heads. 12:09 Thursday 20th March 2003 German man's embarrassing vacuum dilemma A German man had to call the emergency services after an embarrassing incident involving a vacuum cleaner. 10:28 Thursday 20th March 2003 Prostitute board game hits the streets A new Italian board game lets players take on the role of immigrant prostitutes enslaved by the mafia. 09:23 Wednesday 19th March 2003 Police seize Love Bus in Uruguay A Love Bus that offered young couples a cheap place to have sex in Uruguay has been seized by the police. 13:35 Tuesday 18th March 2003 New Thai police uniform 'too sexy' Policemen in Thailand are being sexually harassed by women and gay men because of their tight uniforms. 12:00 Wednesday 12th March 2003 Plenty more at the bottom of page http://www.ananova.com/news/index.html?keywords=Sex+life&menu=news.weirdworld.sexlife