Riette: Queen Goddess of Screwed

Well, I'll be screwed!

by each and every one of us...

starting with?

not sure...ratthing started this but I'm the only one participating...

how shall we show our undying devotion to our queen?

�SCREWING up nose, thinking very hard� $100,000 000, a plastic tiara and a quick blow job to start with... (Ever since I told him to stop calling me 'good girl', my husband has been calling me 'bad woman', so I've got a reputation to keep up here!).

done that, been there

What? You've been a good girl AND a bad woman? I believe you have managed to get me slightly taken aback...

Riette: When she's good, she's good. When she's bad, she's BETTER!!

I feel like a voyeur...think I'll be moving along...

would rather have gotten you on your back, Riette... oh, Please come back and play, Autumn! (someone in here has to make sense...)

THAT boring old position?? I'm not sure I even know how to DO that anymore! �she says pushing out her lack of bosom proudly�

I didn't finish... on your back on my chest...

HA-HAAAAA! �tearing my ar$e to bits with laughter� And how do you plan to find me hot spots amongst all that hair?

if everything lines up right, those'll find you...

You mean I have to wee?

no, but I suppose you can if you'd llike

I'll try not to - - - might spoil your hairdo.

Have you been reading my mail? How can you possibly know that I am the sensible one??

well, duh...

God, is it that blatantly obvious? You've never even seen my coupon box. Hey, I can get pretty wild & crazy....

didn't say that you couldn't...

Wild, crazy people often seem very sensible on the surface.

yeah, like serial killers...

No, serial killers just seem weird. Big difference between being crazy, and being an evil bastard.

WER can do both!

don't have a choice, actually...

Oh, I see there are already a few interesting topics. Ri�tte will have to be VERY nice to me the next few weeks, since I could tell you screw stories about her that will make you fill your pants with laughter!

But she has a few tales about you too?

MORE than a few!

Yeah right.

We'll just have to see, won't we.

Still cracking up at the thought of "screw stories that will fill pants with laughter".

Well, dig this: When we were 18, there was this son of one of the local vicars, who was absolutely NUTS about Ri�tte. Sundays in church he always managed to sit behind us, drooling like a rabid dog or something. Man, this guy sent her flowers EVERY day for over a year, he asked her to marry (yes, MARRY!) him probably a thousand times. But you can guess for yourself at the chances of Ri�tte taking interest in a Dutch Reformed Vicar Boy - who was studying that particular theology himself. I mean, for her that would be ore or less the equivalent of marrying a dead fish. (Imagine her as a vicar's wife, though!! lol!) But at first she was nice about it. Said no thank you politely, and that she didn't mind friendship, but didn't want anything more, and so in went on for months and months on end. And the guy really became a pain, starting to quote BIBLE PASSAGES to confirm the fact that she was the girl he HAD to marry, how it was God's will and all that. Seeing as she was so beautiful and kind and untouched and innocent and gentle (don't laugh now!) and stuff - only she could fulfill the role of vicar's wife with dig ity. Warped, isn't it?? Anyway, so Ri�tte got just a little fed-up when he started following her around. So one night we talk about this problem, and I say to her, "The only way to get this guy off your back, is to mortally offend him, 'cos he doesn't seem to understand a kind no." And we devised the plan of action. As it turned out we didn't need it. We were about to take a bath one night, and I was already in the bath. We had Johnny Glegg's music playing fairly loudly, and didn't hear the knock on the door. And we used to have this really hilarious arse-wiggling, belly-button-swaying mock dance routine that we always danced for Mum, and which used to cheer her up even at the worst of times. So I'm in the bath, I hear Mum shout somehing, but couldn't hear what, because at the same time Ri�tte shouted, "Whatch THIS, girl!", and came into the hallway butt naked, dancing this dance of ours to the music of Johnny Glegg - breasts and backside like ALL over the place. I heard Mum shriek, I heard another person shriek at a more high-pitched level, and then I heard Ri�tte say sweetly, "Oh, hello, Ivan, and how are you this evening?" And he was gone within a matter of seconds - never to be seen again!!

You say he dropped and left behind his video camera and you got it back to him the next day but kept the video and still look at it from time to time on special fabulous occasions? Too much good luck!

ha-ha!!! Absolutely not! I suspect the poor chap is still in therapy after the horrors he had seen!

Be sure to include a cut of this in the video you're making for us. By the way, Queenie, any eta on this? Any chance of sneaking in a shot or two of Sonja?

She can take as many shots of me as she wants - if she can find her equipment, that is...I'll even go so far as to make a promise: if she finds the equipment, I promise to do the dance for the video!

Oh come one Sonja, cough up the equipment! Let Riette come out and play.

Yes, you tell her, Terry!

She can play all she wants - once I'm gone, that is. Fact is, I'm pretty awful looking at the moment - blown-up from cortisone treatment.

That'll be gone again soon, girl.

Yeah, I know. Just don't want to be on no video like this.

How about if you're off camera and you just do a voice commentary? See what a skillful negotiator I am?

Yes, girl! That's what we could do!

I don't do that voice thing. That's your department.

What voodoo do you do?

Doodoo Voodoo? Woo-Hoo!

Sonja likes to dissect dead insects under her microscope. And she collects dead snakes in bottles. Like, she sleeps with them next to her on her bedside tables - gives me the creeps! Says they're her surrogate babies....

I think that it would be worse if they were live snakes, and she slept with them in bed with her. Dead snakes in bottles on a bedside table is merely an eccentric decoration.

I suppose you're right. Still it's rather foul when you switch on the nightlight to go to the loo, and all you see are these beady little dead eyes staring at you. Not to mention the fact that some of her snakes hardly fit into the bottles, and look like they're going to pop out any second. �shiver�

I have a friend that trains EMT's how to recognize various species of snakes. She does this by bringing with her several examples of each species. She keeps the snakes in a freezer in her house. Imagine getting up for a midnight snack, and opening the wrong freezer. Count your blessings. I used to work security at a museum. while I was working there one of our snakes got loose. His name was, "Julius Caesar". He was loose for a month before he ran out of food. Then, one night as my part er and I were making our rounds. I saw him hanging from the ceiling, nearly nose-to-nose with my partner. We got him back into his room and fed him. Julius was a 12 foot Rock Python.

OOOOHHH!! How blood clotting a thought! Like the time Sonja and I found a little 'crocodile' in the fields. It was rather heavy, so we dragged it home by the tail to show Mum. Lucky for us it was a cool day, because the little crocodile turned out to be a little spitting cobra....

WOW!! That was lucky.

A cobra doesn't even remotely resemble a crocodile does it?

Remotely......Very remotely.

We were five at the time.

You were incredibly lucky to make it to six. A friend of mine lost his 7 year old boy. When the boy went to get fishing worms he found some striped ones. He came back with 40 coral snakes. He just made it to his father, and fell over dead. The autopsy showed three times the toxin necessary to kill an adult.

My God, the poor man. Children just don't have a clue about danger, and don't believe that they could die just like old people. At least I never did. We had a brilliant childhood, never listened to my grandpa when he told us to put on our boots (always took them off as soon as we were out of sight, and walked the fields barefoot), never looked out for the things he tought us (investigated them instead), never stayed away from trees that had leopards in, crept up on feeding lions to see better, watching and giggling when wild animals mated etc. etc.. We also used to jump from the house roof, and out of trees, and tease bulls and stuff. It was thrilling and heavenly, but now that I have children myself, the thought of it chills me to the bone. It is probably I good thing I don't live out there, because I'd beat the $hit out of them every time they returned from an excursion, seeing as I know EXACTLY what they'd be up to.

That is the trouble with an adventurous childhood. You assume that every other kid will try the same things you did. Growing up in a large family the way I did showed me that every child is different. They each have their own completely unique personality. Get to know your children young, because the world is poised to destroy much of that unique quality.

by the way I was such a terror when I was young, that my father took out a million dollar life insurance policy on me when I was 16. He was certain I'd never see 21.

ha-ha!!! That's a good one! Mine tried to kill me himself, because I was such a pain in the ar$e! So, what sort of horrible things did you do? And how many brothers&sisters do you have?

I have 5 brothers and 2 sisters. When I was seven my father bought a .22 caliber rifle for my next younger brother and myself. We promptly took up the pastime of shooting the TV antennas off of houses. I climbed up on the roof of our house and built a treehouse up there. I used to climb up in a tree until I couldnot climb any higher, usually 10M up, then swing back and forth until the tree set me down. And many more....

Time for some more. My brother and I had recurved target bows, when I was about eight or so. ( that would make my brother six at the time) We used to go to a large field near the high school and pace off 100M. Then we would turn and face each other, and start shooting target arrows at each other. We would do this for hours at a time. Off and on for 4 years or so. Then, I got a 50lb recurved hunting bow. With this bow I could shoot at a much flatter trajectory, and it was much harder for him to dodge the arrows. He quickly lost interest in our game. We also played a game where we took a sharp, hunting knife, stood facing each other about 1M apart, then I would throw the knife so that it stuck into the ground between my brother's feet. Then he would pick up the knife and throw it between my feet. Then, we would each take a step back and repeat the process. Who ever missed first lost. If the knife struck one of us, he would get a free throw at the other.

We would take firecrackers, and blow things up with them, public toilets, mailboxes, fence posts. When we blew the front doors off the school, my father put an end to the firecracker escapades. (firecrackers were and are illegal in Wisconsin. Dynamite, however was available to anybody that had the money to buy it. we were using quarter sticks of dynamite and calling them firecrackers) Then there is the time we decided to go fishing with dynamite. I knew that water deadens the force of the explosion, We watched a lot of silent movies where dynamite is used in five stick bundles a lot. So, we decided to use a five stick bundle. It destroyed the boat and blew us up on the shore a good 20M from where we started. and then rained mud and fish parts. Seemed like forever. We both had our ears ringing so bad we could hardly hear.

There is a lot more, but I think you get the picture. I don't want to bore you with it.

ha-ha!!! I love it, go on!!! Your poor parents!!! One thing that really got my mum angry, was when Sonja and I used to fight the 'tough game'. When we got really angry with each other, we used to go into the fields, and find ants' nests. We would see who could bear it longer with the ants crawling all over us, and pinching our feet, to see who really was the toughest. We were both stubbourn, and would stand there for hours, sobbing with pain, but unwilling to be the weaker one. When we couldn't stand it any longer, we'd make a deal to jump off togethe , and then we'd get home with bruised, bleeding feet, and my mum would have to disinfect the bites, and bandage our feet. It made her very angry that we had to prove ourselves to each other like this, but we still laugh about it. We promised each other, the next time we go home together, we're going to do it again!

MY GOD!!! Don't do that here. You do that to fire ants, they'll kill you, literally. Real dead. More Stuff: I used to go rock climbing. Free climbing, no ropes. I used to get supreme delight at getting to the top of a rock formation and talking to those that had to use ropes to get up top. I used to take my second youngest brother with me. One day, when the preferred way to get down was to leap across a chasm 1.75M wide onto a ledge 25cm wide, with a vertical drop between of 150M, I got to thinking about what would happen to me if my parents found out what we were doing. Anyway I had to stop bringing my brother, of course being only 9, he was telling my parents what we were doing. They just did not believe him. He was a jumper though. One day we were playing hide and go seek, The next oldest brother started yelling that he was on the roof, so my second youngest brother runs thelength of the roof and jumps off the peak, 10M to the ground, hits the ground running and never slows down. As soon as he hits the ground, he starts yelling," I'm not on the roof. I'm right here".

Still more: One day I was chasing my next younger brother through the house, down a long hallway. He got to the room at the very end of the hallway, and slammed the door in my face. the door latched a split second before I got there. It was a hollow core door. I went right through it. Splintered that door into many, many pieces. There was no way that I could stop in time. I got out of it thopugh. My father has a sense of humor. I knew that if I could make him laugh, he couldn't punish me. When he asked me why I did it, I told him that I saw superman do it, and I wanted to see how hard it was. He Laughed like crazy, and then advised me not to try flying. And then he laughed some more.

That's so sweet! MORE, please! What did you do with your sisters? It must have been great growing up in such a big family!

It was wonderful. To keep everything straight, I am going to give you the names: In order Mike, Mary, Tracy, Paul, Erich, Chris, Tom II, I am the oldest. When we did team activities, my sisters were included, HOWEVER, anything that was likely to get us in trouble, we did not include them. Anything dangerous, we did not include them. We lived in a subdivision that was very undeveloped when we moved in. and built up slowly as I was growing up. One of the things that Mike and I did was to steal a pallet of plywood and some 2x4s and built a shed at the back of our property. The shed was there for two years before my father found it. Of course he wanted to know where the wood came from. Of course we told him, since there was nothing he could do about it.

Another installment in the saga: We had a wooded area behind our house. It had paths all through it. Tarzan was one of my favorite shows on TV. I think it was there that I saw someone dig a Tiger Trap. so, I had to try it on one of the paths. 1.25M square and 2.4M deep, camoflaged it perfectly. It worked too, caught my father quite nicely, and he could not get out until I brought the ladder, that I'd used to dig it. Thank God I did not have sharp stakes on the bottom.