Did you hear?

"The spirit is often most free when the body is satiated with pleasure; indeed, sometimes the stars shine more brightly from the gutter than from the hilltop." --W. Somerset Maugham

"There will be sex after death; we just won't be able to feel it." --Lily Tomlin

"Sex is an emotion in motion." --Mae West

The Lily Tomlin one is hilarious! ha-ha! Where do you find these things?

oh, here and there...

"Sex will outlive us all." --Samuel Goldwyn

"Lord, I wonder what fool it was that first invented kissing!" --Jonathan Swift

"The sexual embrace can only be compared with music and with prayer." --Havelock Ellis

The end of the male species as we know it. US5501650: Automated masturbatory device A variable speed motor powering a crankshaft driven sealed transducer producing pneumatically induced reciprocating motion of a receiver when a male organ is inserted. The present invention employs a hermetic system to prevent loss of synchronization. The receiver is designed with an inner liner compliant enough to accommodate a plurality of sizes and shapes of male penises. The present invention produces a stroke of approximately 3 inches at a frequency of up to 350 per minute.

Thanks Paul for pulling me out of workmode today! I read that whole damn thing and didn't get it until the end! And at that I realized I was just 'a little' too focused on the job at hand (EXCUSE the pun!) took a lunch time walk and feel much better!

It was really fun and enjoyable. I want to do it again and again. Thanks!

In the early part of the century, medical doctors often manipulated the female genitals to orgasm as a standard cure for many problems. This lead to the creation of the vibratror, supposedly so the doctor wouldn't have to use his fingers.

Ooops, I mis-spelled vibrator.

just as long as you don't mis-use one... Welcome, Robert!

OK, what happened to this topic? Did everyone give up talking about it for actually doing 'it'...?!

Suddenly, everything in this conference is off limits and I am still learning. Guess I have to learn about it on the streets 'cause I'm not hearing much in here. But, on topic: Big Haul of Contraband Condoms TIRANA (Reuters) - Police in southern Albania made a record haul of five million contraband condoms from Greece with a street value of $700,000, a daily reported Friday. The truck driver told police his cargo was exempt from customs duty as they were a gift from humanitarian groups to encourage safe sex among the impoverished Balkan nation's 3.3 million people, the Gazeta Shqiptare said. The condoms are being guarded by police while authorities decide what to do with them. Albania is trying to crack down on smuggling especially of fuel, cigarettes and coffee since customs duties account for some 60 percent of budget revenues.

I was quoting Reuters...but I see i should be quoting someone notable and delicious to read...*grin*

17TH CENTURY CONDOMS AT MUSEUM Condoms made in the 17th century were on display at the British Museum in London for National Science Week. The sheaths, made of animal intestine, had to be softened in warm milk overnight before use. The condoms were found at Dudley Castle in the West Midlands in a keep latrine which was sealed when the Royalist castle was attacked by Roundheads.

Amazing stuff our ancestors left behind thinking it would be gone forever. Wonder if they are gonna check them for DNA...! Thanks, Maggie! Fancy meeting you in this conference *grin*

Soak them over night? That took some planning unless the guys planned ahead?!

Wellll I thought that if you were here it shouldn't be too bad. Anyway I wanted to see what you were up to *grin* I bet the guys didn't soak em! guess who did. I'm off before i get caught!

Yup! The ones who stood the greatest risk, no doubt about it! No one shall ever know we were in here...much...*smile* I'm gonna sneak out unobserved, as well. See you in another topic!

Oh, what lies there are in kisses. ---Heinrich Heine Wanton kisses are the keys of sin. ---Nicholas Breton I spent five years in the air force, and if it wasn't for sexual harassment no one would have talked to me at all. An officer accused me of being a lesbian. I would have denied it, but I was lying naked on top of her at the time. ---Lynda Montgomery

This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence. ---Vyvyan, The Young Ones

"The bottom line is that (a) people are never perfect, but love can be, (b) that is the one and only way that the mediocre and vile can be transformed, and (c) doing that makes it that. We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love." --Tom Robbins

The Ramses brand condom is named after the great Pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.

sort of didn't work did it?

Maybe they named them W A Y after him ( and not just after him...too late to be of help in his case. But he sure was not a good advert! What are you doing up at this hour? I am just about to shut down. I have been naughty as you will no double see =?

(i posted it last night! it's now 9.30am and i've just got up) after his virility perhaps?

I think it is a good option...for example, if you don't use these you just might end up with 160 kids?! That oughta sell them if nothing else does!

do you know the old one about the bastards revenge - he works in a condom factory. (think about it) there were chocolate flavoured ones in the student union shop together with the other choccy shaped things.

Well, for some ladies chocolate works almost as well as ...well, the other, but as much as I like chocolate, it does nothing like that for me. My problem perhaps or my good fortune?! This reminds me of a joke, but I think I will not mention it unless I can find it easily...

At the Student Union shop? Gives new meaning to Student Union, doesn't it?!

(even T. is chuckling!)

"Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind; And therefore is wing'd Cupid painted blind." Helena in Shakespeare's A Midsummer-Night's Dream [I.i.234-235]

"Come out of the circle of time / And into the circle of love." --Jalal ud-Din Rumi (1207-73)Persian poet, one of greatest Sufi poets

"Lechry lechery! Still wars and lechry. Nothing else holds fashion." --Thersites in Shakespeare's Troilus and Cressida [V.iii.231-3]

A professor was asked to give a talk on "Sex". When his turn came, he stood, walked to the podium, adjusted the microphone just so. He said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure . . ." And he sat back down.

Two old men were comparing their sex lives. First Guy - "I can still do it twice!" Second Guy - "Impressive, which time is best?" First Guy - "I think the winter."

"Is there no military policy how virgins might blow up men?" Helena in Shakespeare's All's Well That Ends Well (I.i.123-4)

He said that I would look more attractive if I were shaved. He said I would love the nakedness of it all. He said it was stylish. He said I would feel cleaner. He said it wouldn't hurt. He said he had been thinking about this for a long time. He said he would do it himself. He said he would be careful. He said he would go slow. He said was ready to begin. He said to lay down. He said that he would help me relax. He said he loved me. He said he felt like an artist. He said he was done. He said he adored the way it looked. He said he was pleased with his work. He said he wanted to show me off. He said he needed to take me out like this. He said that he wanted people to see me like this. He said we would have a most exciting day. He said he would be right back. He said he had to get his shoes on. * * * * I said... Well I didn't say anything. Poodles don't talk.

"Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK." --Steven Wright

Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex. --Karl Marx

Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%... Wedding cake

Seduction School Trains Lonely Hearts PARIS (Reuters) - As spring blossoms in the world's most romantic city, the loneliest of hearts are paying for lessons in love. Frustrated Parisians are turning to classes at the city's School of Seduction where instructors promise to teach even the most timid men and homeliest women to approach the opposite sex with Casanova-like confidence. ``We teach men to dare,'' said Veronique Jullien, 42, the flamboyant founder and head of the school. After a psychological profile to identify potential weak points, candidates move on to one-on-one lessons or role-playing exercises with one of the school's several seduction coaches.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. --Woody Allen

GIVING THEM WHAT THEY WANT The Student Assembly at New York's Binghamton State University has voted 23-7 in favor of a resolution that the campus video store stock more adult videos for students to rent. A school spokeswoman told the New York Post that university officials will consider the matter over the summer, but university president Lois DeFleur told the paper that if students want to rent porn videos they can go off-campus to get what they want. DeFleur told the paper the university is "strongly opposed to censorship," but at the same time she does "not feel that the university is obligated to make available all kinds of materials to students." The video store is run by students and uses no public funds, according to a university spokeswoman.

"If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?" - Lily Tomlin *** "There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children and children love hamsters." - Alice Thomas Ellis *** "I'm afraid I was very much the traditionalist. I went down on one knee and dictated a proposal which my secretary faxed over straight away." - Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie

OK, guys, the old man has gone to bed in the back bedroom with the door closed. I am alone here. Anyone wish to talk?

Hey Springtail! Is the new name something for me to look forward too?

Indeed! I have missed you!

Btw, I am alone - wanna talk?

Yes. Where?

Either place - your choice. Both of mine are active.

Should other eyes see? Or should we get off spring?

Probably off spring for personal stuff...

but multitask so we can check out your relative on History 8 and the Indigo pearls on Geo 18....

Marcia- Just got in a call on my IAM. Important enough that I need to call them back. I'll get back on line later. Bye for now.

Bye, Sweetie!

..sure wish I knew what an IAM is... I guess it means I AM not going to hear from him again very soon...

Nope! It is Internet Answering Service - I just figured it out - duh! It lets you know if someone is trying to get through to you when your only house line is connected to your modem. Takes voice messages. Good idea! *** The clerk showed the guy the store's most expensive perfume. "This is called 'Perhaps'," said the sales clerk. "It's $285 per ounce." "Listen," the guy shot back, "for $285 an ounce, I don't want something called 'Perhaps'; I want something called, "You Can Bet Your Happy ASS You'll Get Some!"

He needed some pherenomes.

...for sure! 6 Presidents on a sinking boat......... Ford says: -What do we do? Bush says: -Man the lifeboats! Reagan says: -What lifeboats? Carter says: -Women first! Nixon says: -Screw the women! Clinton says: -You think we have time?

I love it!

*grin* So did I...

New Tax....on sex ! I think we could balance the Federal Budget if we taxed sex. Everyone would pay their share. Young people would pay more taxes and your tax liability would decrease as you got older. (some of us) It would also promote family values. How would you like to come home to your wife and have her ask, Honey, why is your tax bill larger than mine? Or be a teenager and come home to your dad standing there with your tax bill in his hand. We wouldn't have to pay people to work for the IRS, they would be paying to work there just so they could review peoples returns. Locker room conversations would change... Get a load of this tax bill! The forms would change a little also. We would now have a 1040Quickee. And it would give a whole new meaning to the phrase.. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. --Kramer Wetzel, home of the Texas Shakespeare Massacre http://www.astrofish.net

I don't know where to put this, but in here seems safe - no one comes in here to see what I am posting... If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!) If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!) The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death. (Creepy!) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males' head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....") Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be pig...quality over quantity!) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, geez! I really didn't need to know that) Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing...) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I really didn't need to know that either) An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too!) Polar bears are left-handed. (Who knew? Who cares!)? Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about the pig?)

*What has three teeth and sixty feet? The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

*LOL* and apes also have sex for pleasure. too much discovery channel, what can i say?

Yup!

Chicken Soup for the Beer Drinker's Soul "Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.' " -Jack Handy "If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose." -Jack Handy "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?" -Stephen Wright "He was a wise man who invented beer." -Plato "Work is the curse of the drinking class." -Oscar Wilde "A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her." -W.C. Fields "What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?" -W.C. Fields "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." -Frank Sinatra "The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober." -William Butler Yeats "People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot." -Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI "All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer." -Homer Simpson "An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools." -Ernest Hemingway "Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." -Ernest Hemingway "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" -Brian O'Rourke "Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world." -Kaiser Wilhelm "Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer." -Dave Barry "You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer." -Frank Zappa "I drink to make other people interesting." -George Jean Nathan "They who drink beer will think beer." -Washington Irving "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." -Dave Barry "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." -Mark Twain "You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance." -Edward Flaherty "Question everything. Learn something. Answer nothing." -Engineer's Motto "Look alive. Here comes a buzzard." -Pogo, character in "Pogo", comic strip by Walt Kelly

Let's see how many I can offend with this... What do you get when you cross a Chinese person and a hooker? Someone who'll suck your laundry clean.

In case you missed this little item I posted elsewhere on Spring... WHERE WAS THE FIRST HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION? The first such house on record may have been Ka-Kum, located in the city of Erech (or Uruk) in Sumer and dating back to about 300 B.C. The first brothels in Europe were located in Athens about 600 B.C. These nonprofit operations sanctioned by the leader Solon charged men 1 cent per visit.

" When forced to choose between two evils, try the new one. " --Unknown

* Memorial Day Beer Troubleshooting * SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender. SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth. SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. FAULT: You are dancing on the table. ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking. SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear. FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. ACTION: Punch him. SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. FAULT: You have been in a fight. ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. ACTION: See if they have free beer. SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. FAULT: The beer is too weak. ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves. SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. FAULT: Beer is just right. ACTION: Play air guitar.

Here are some pick-up lines that work every time!!!! (that's what they said...never been subjected to a pick-up line, actually!) 1. Baby, your so fine, I want to pour milk all over you and make you part of my complete breakfast. 2. Can I have fries with that shake! 3. If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen. 4.When does your centerfold come out. 5. If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together. 6. Your daddy must of been a drug dealer 'cause you're dope. 7. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand. 8. Is your name Gillette? ...because you're the best a man can get.

Q: What is the difference between men and women:.... A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need... A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. Q: How does a man keep his youth? A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds. Q: What's the best way to kill a man? A: Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearin one and got hit by a bus. ---Bob Rubin

Never Merry woman with big hands, it makes your dick look smaller. ---Unknown

The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor. "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm an Egg.' From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?" The sperm nodded affirmatively. Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm. He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball. When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm!" The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a tonsil."

Q: What is the definition of "Endless Love." A: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

"President Clinton of the USA" Anagram: "To copulate he finds interns."

Warning signs that your lover is bored: 1. Passionate kisses 2. Frequent sighing 3. Moved, left no forwarding address. ---Matt Groening

"The world wants to be cheated. So cheat." -- Xaviera Hollander

"The definition of a beautiful woman is one who loves me." -- Sloan Wilson

* A group of athletes and administrators of the traditional Turkish sport of oil wrestling (grappling contests made more interesting by heavy applications of olive oil) protested to the government in April when they discovered that an organization of gay men was planning to attend a major tournament in July near the city of Edirne to ogle. (According to a Reuters news service reporter, "Putting a hand down the opponent's trousers to get a better grip is a common tactic.")

Thought for the day : " Music is the only sensual pleasure without vice. "

In January, a Philadelphia city-funded community organization published a pamphlet on health and safety tips for prostitutes, which recommended always getting on top, negotiating price before getting into a car, and getting the money in advance. Also in January, a member of the Canadian Parliament released a list of recent pamphlets directly funded by the government, including "How to Communicate With the Dead," "How to Stimulate the G-spot," and "How to Understand and Enjoy an Orgasm."

Jewish foreplay is three hours of begging. Italian foreplay is "Maria, I'm home." ---Milton Berle

Oops! Two insurance salesmen who were lifelong friends were jumping up and down on their hotel bed in the Ramada Renaissance Hotel in Manchester after having a few drinks, pretending to be gay for a laugh from the two women they had brought to their room. Unfortunately, one of the men stumbled and both men bounced off the bed and through the nearby window, falling 100 feet to their deaths.

Chinese Proverbs 1. Virginity like bubble, one prick - all gone. 2. Man who run in front of car get tired. 3. Man who run behind car get exhausted. 4. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. 5. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. 6. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. 7. Man with one chopstick go hungry. 8. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. 9. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. 10. Baseball is wrong; man with four balls cannot walk. 11. Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth. 12. War does not determine who is right; war determine who is left. 13. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. 14. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. 15. It take many nails to build crib, only one screw to fill it. 16. Man who drive like hell bound to get there. 17. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. 18. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. 19. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. 20. Man who fart in church sit in own pew. 21. Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Sorry - no good quotes lately....hope you enjoy this little story... A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for travelling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name. "Fred" he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred." The officer let him go without even a warning.

The first recorded uses of condoms date back to 13th century BC in Egypt. They used oiled, animal bladders and intestines. There are some cave drawings in France dating back to 100 AD. Why the artist would memorialize condoms on cave walls is still a mystery.

+----------------- Bizarre Sexual Trivia ------------------+ Kellogg's Corn Flakes were invented by a Dr. Kellogg in hopes that they would reduce masturbation. Middle Eastern cave paintings reveal that men used to have sex with female crocodiles because they believed that it would make them rich and important. Erect giraffe penises are four feet long. Extra breasts - a condition called "polymastia" - are rare, but not entirely unheard of. In 1886 there were two women who each had ten breasts, all of which secreted milk. In eighteenth-century France, a woman named Madame Ventre, who lived in Marseilles, had a fully functioning, lactating breast that stuck out of her left thigh just below the waist. In April 1970, Gloria Sykes won a $50,000 judgment against San Francisco's transportation system for her injuries sustained in a cable car accident. The main crux of her argument revolved around the fact that she was now a nymphomaniac: she once had sex fifty times within a five day period.

"A woman talks to one man, looks at a second, and thinks of a third." - Bhartrihari (ca. 625)

Recurring Themes One of the widely reported stories of 1993 was the Vinton, La., crash of a car containing 20 naked Pentecostals from Floydada, Texas, who had received word from God that they should discard all their worldly possessions to make it more difficult for Satan to catch up to them. In April 2000, in the Houston suburb of Sugar Land, a state trooper stopped a car containing three women and a 3-year-old girl, all of whom were naked and who told the officer that God had told them to burn their clothes, drive to Wal-Mart, and buy new clothes. Said the trooper, "It's always something. No two days are the same in this job."

Murder is a crime. Describing murder is not. Sex is not a crime. Describing sex is. ---Gershon Legman (b. 1917) American writer

"Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex." "Okay sweetheart," the groom replied. "Just make sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink. If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex. But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn't matter."

The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision. --Lynn Lavner

Dutch researchers writing in an April British Medical Journal advocated that Viagra be dispensed for free in the Netherlands because, even though costly, Viagra enhances the quality of its users' lives even more, for example, than kidney transplants. In fact, according to the researchers' Quality-Adjusted Life Year measure, a dollar spent on Viagra brings twice as much benefit as a dollar spent on breast cancer screening.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "OOOOOOH, I hope it's mine!"

"Get in good physical condition before submitting to bondage. You should be fit to be tied." - Robert Byrne "Love your enemies in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards." - R.A. Dickson

She was so wild that when she made French toast she got her tongue caught in the toaster. ---Rodney Dangerfield

--------------------- Fish and Chicks ---------------------- NEW YORK, NY - This sushi bar has more than raw fish to smell, as one of the hottest eateries in the Big Apple is a nude dining establishment. They feature the "tushi" roll and other delicacies. The establishment actually is also a swinging dance club where you can get table dances with your food. -------------- They'll Plump Your Pillows Too -------------- BUCHAREST, Romania - In order to increase business due to the economic depression, a group of Romanian prostitutes is trying to lure clients by offering to do household chores. So not only will they perform sexual favors for the clients, but they will make the bed afterwards and serve them breakfast. "We had to invent something because people don't have money and clients are rare. After solving the sexual problem, the girls clean and cook for free. All on the house," said a "sexual agent" in Bucharest. It was not mentioned if the chores are performed in the nude or if the prostitutes do windows.

---- Iran Transsexual Unhappy With Experience As Woman ----- TEHRAN - An Iranian man who recently had a sex change to become a woman wants to reverse the operation because she finds life as a woman insufferable in Iran, a newspaper said on Monday. The 25-year-old Maryam, formerly Mehran, underwent a sex change last year, despite strong parental opposition. But she soon regretted the decision, finding it difficult to cope with "restrictions" surrounding a woman's life in the conservative Islamic society. While almost everything else in Iran is illegal, sex change operations are, but there are no provisions for would-be transsexuals to test out their new identity first.

What is the difference between semen and mayonnaise? Mayo doesn't hit the back of your throat at 40 miles an hour.

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the Lawrenceville jail. Lawrence went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice the Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are making love to a pumpkin?" He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin!? Damn...is it midnight already?"

LOL Cheryl!!! This is THE place to post that!!!

Well he was drunk at the time. I love his response, "A pumpkin!? Damn...is it midnight already?" Most people would have been at a loss for words.

That was a great comment to make...Inspired, actually! BOSTON, Massachusetts - In keeping with today's column, researchers have discovered that wearing tight fitting pants can actually act as an aphrodisiac. The science behind this claim seems to be that tight fitting pants increases blood flow to the loins and results in heightened sexuality.

-- New Facts About British Sexuality: Apparently It Exists -- London - Britons need no longer hang their heads in shame, they're good at sex, and have a lot of it. This study, due out July 3, has exploded the myths surrounding British sexuality and destroyed the reputations of some other nations in the process. Here's the details: The average Brit has sex 2,580 times in his or her life with five different people, and some 42 percent of Britons manage a bit of sexual infidelity. Italians, long regarded as sex legends, are the least sexually active people in Europe... less than 100 times a year. And when they have sex it lasts less time than anywhere in Europe (14 minutes). Brazilians have the greatest endurance, with sex lasting an average of 30 minutes. Thailand produces sprinters who have sex the quickest (10 minutes on average).

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me some naked women." ---Jerry Seinfeld

Q: What's the difference between a 'Spice Girls' video and a porn video? A: The porn video has better music!

WASHINGTON, DC - The Center For UFO Studies (CUFOS) has compiled a list of 13,528 US women who believe that they have been abducted by aliens. Of this amount, 1,501 women reported that their panties had been kept by the aliens. It has not been revealed for what sinister purpose these aliens are hording underwear.

Recurring Themes More Sex Crimes You'd Rather Not Know About: James Donald Ray, 39, convicted of molesting sheep (San Diego, May); Daniel Bruce House, 54, arrested for molesting a horse (Malibu, Calif., February); Jason Carl McRoberts, 19, arrested for molesting a lamb (Stewartstown, Pa., April); Roger Powell, 59, arrested for molesting a pig (Enfield, N.C., May), which he explained by pointing out that sex with his human girlfriend is undesirable because she is a "crack whore."

Old" is when your wife says "let's go upstairs and make love," and youR answer, "honey, I can't do both!"

New York, NY Maxim magazine reported recently that a new dining establishment is open in Manhattan called La Maison de Sade. They serve traditional French cuisine with not so traditional side "dishes." For $20 a throw, you can have hot wax melted on your nipples, or order "Spanking of a Slave", "Foot Worship", and the ever popular, "Public Humiliation."

From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have it breakdown in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

Troy, NY - What do you do when you are drunk and want to hear someone talk dirty to you? Ask Harold Reinke. It seems that after a hard night of partying, he called a European 900 sex line that charged $9.95 per minute. There was only one problem. The inebriated Reinke fell asleep while getting an ear full and woke up hours later still connected. The bill? Only $7164.

"The five worst infirmities that afflict the female are indocility, discontent, slander, jealousy and silliness." -Confucian marriage manual

"Man may have discovered fire, but women discovered how to play with it." --Carrie, Sex and the City on HBO

Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off? A: Spit, swallow and blowing bubbles

Coffee Bar Sparks Caffeine-Condom Rush ROME (Reuters) - Italian espresso is supposed to give the drinker a lift, but it seems to be making some decidedly frisky. A coffee bar in the Italian beach resort of Sperlonga has taken to handing out free condoms with every cup it sells. ``It's a bit of fun, but also to make sure people protect themselves,'' the owner of the bar, The Pirate, told the newspaper Corriere della Sera, adding that a lot more young people had started drinking his coffee. More than 150 people a day have been whisking the condoms into their back pockets or handbags, according to the owner, but Sunday is apparently the busiest day of all. ``Who knows what they get up to,'' he said.

The natural look is back! Just look around, from your favorite magazine divas, to the stars on television, women are showing-off their breasts with pride! bodyperks is the latest fashion accessory for your breasts. They make you look and feel wonderfully sassy. Give bodyperks a try - you'll be amazed at the reaction. What are bodyperks? They are lightweight, natural colored, silicon nipples that you insert into your bra and place directly on your own nipple. You can create your own look and wear them with tight t-shirts, sexy halters, dresses, twin sets, swimsuits and more. One size fits all as bodyperks were crafted to produce just the right amount of perkiness, regardless of breast size or shape. They will enhance the beauty of your breasts with the illusion of natural, erect nipples. The possibilities for fun are endless! Whether you're out on the town or playing volleyball, bodyperks comfortably stay in place and give you the added attraction of playful, fun breasts. You'll feel and look sexy! http://www.bodyperks.com/index-product.html check out 'perky encounters'!

Would this be the female analogy to men stuffing socks in their briefs?

I think so!!! *lol*

To think I spent my childhood being told how to avoid this "look" on all occasions. Talk about mispent youths...

(why do you think I posted it!!!!! *grin*)

(yeahyeahyeah....) +----------------- Bizarre Sexual Trivia -----------------+ According to unsubstantiated sources: 55 percent of women say they've faked an orgasm at one time or another. 33 percent of women admit they moan in bed, 7 percent shriek and 13 percent laugh. The most popular sexual position is missionary, followed by the woman on top and "doggie style." 58 percent of women cuddle after sex, but 8 percent just "lie there silently." Only 4 percent think bicyclists have "attractive physiques." 30 percent say swimmers have the sexiest bodies. 28 percent have the hots for gymnasts. 22 percent like volleyball players. But only 14 percent say sprinters get their hearts racing.

SALEM TOWNSHIP, Pennsylvania - For the person that is always on the go, the Climax Gentleman's Club in Salem Township, near Pittsburgh, has been providing a drive thru peep show service since April. Drivers can pull up to a window at the back of the club and show proof that they are 18 or older and pay $5 per minute. Then they pull up to a second window and watch a nude dancer for the amount of time they paid for. According to Barbie, a stripper at the club, most customers pay for two to three minutes, but one man paid $100 for 20 minutes. Township supervisor Ed Gieselman helped write a 1998 ordinance to regulate strip clubs. He called the drive-through an advertising gimmick designed to generate publicity.

"Man may have discovered fire, but women discovered how to play with it." --Carrie, Sex and the City on HBO

I can't disagree with that.

*licking her singed fingers* I hear you! But, it is sooooooo enticing...!

Well, anyone tried the nipple falsies??? My girls convulsed with laughter over that one ..... Sig Other looked disapprovingly!!!

*shudder* Not in THIS lifetime!

Just teasing dear!!!

How to Relax on Your Wedding Night From your Honeymoons/Romantic Getaways Guide http://honeymoons.about.com/travel/honeymoons/c/ht/00/07/How_Relax_Wedding_Night0962934287.htm Your first night as a married couple may be different from the way you imagine it. Difficulty Level: Hard Time Required: all night -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here's How: 1. Accept the fact that wedding nights are perfect only in the movies. In most cases, you're either going to be exhausted from the event or totally wired. Neither is the best state of mind for the best sex of your life. So take the pressure off yourselves. 2. Shower and change into comfortable clothes. 3. If it feels right to you, and you still have out-of-town friends around, invite them to your honeymoon suite. 4. If that's the craziest advice you every heard, ignore it. 5. Order room service. 6. After the food and drink arrive, slip the "do not disturb" sign on your door. 7. Share with each other the high points of the wedding, and what you remember most. 8. Present a small gift to each other (see below for ideas). 9. Arrange a wake-up call if you need to catch a flight. 10. Don't rush things. Start with a massage, perhaps. And if the sex isn't the greatest thing you ever experienced, don't fret. You've got a lifetime to perfect it. Tips: 1. No children. Anywhere. 2. You'll remember this night for the rest of your life, so make the effort to make it special. 3. Unless you met on "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire," it will NOT all be over in the morning.

OooH, Maggie! How I wish this had been around for me to tape to the bridge of someone's nose long ago. How remarkable and how wise at the same time. I'm going to send it to my newly-engaged son!

A 41-year-old German woman, who was arrested for shoplifting, told a judge that she only did it for sexual kicks. "I have an orgasm whenever a department store detective discovers me stealing and grabs my shoulder from behind," the woman named only as Baerbel B. told a court in Neustadt am Ruebenberge. The arousal was so addictive that she would steal dog food, shoes, anything that would get her caught. She was allowed to walk three years ago for a similar offense, but this time Judge Harald Zimbehl decided enough was enough and sentenced her to 14 months. She was caught stealing a hammer drill worth around $120. [You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to cuddle-time. You have the right to sleep on the wet spot...]

Women will now have the choice of wearing the pant(ie)s in the family. It's a new female panty condom, called Janesway. The panties have a soft latex center that covers the exposed area and goes up inside. All a man has to do is slip into the latex part of Janesway that's inside the vagina. The Janesway company promotes that couples can look forward to uninterrupted lovemaking without having to stop to put on the condom, or worry about STDs. The Janesway will come in a variety of styles.

MADRID, Spain - It was an embarrassing ordeal as one man's desire for safe sex got him stuck for four hours. After a long night on the town with his girlfriend, a 23-year old man put some coins into a condom machine outside a pharmacy. When nothing came out, the man pounded impatiently on the machine, then stuck his hand in the opening to try to pull the condom package out. Two of his fingers became caught inside. For the next few hours he was the brunt of humiliating comments from passers-by while he and his girlfriend tried unsuccessfully to pry his hand loose.

Love is like the measles, all the worse when it comes late in life.

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities. In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"

French Scientists Map Sexual Arousal Area in Brain LONDON (Reuters) - French scientists have found a region of the brain that is strongly linked with sexual arousal in men, they said on Monday. By using a sophisticated scanning technique that monitors the flow of blood in the brain they discovered that an area called the claustrum is the most activated when men are aroused by photographs or short films. The claustrum is not the only area of the brain involved in sexual arousal but Jerome Redoute and his colleagues said it is an important one that could improve understanding of human sexual desire and lead to better treatment for people with sexual problems. ``The aim of the study was to show the brain region directly linked with visual sexual stimulation. We found that the activity of the claustrum was directly linked with the intensity of the sexual arousal,'' Redoute, of the Centre for Medical Research of Positron Emission Tomography (CERMEP) in Lyon, said in a telephone interview. The claustrum is a poorly understood area in the temporal lobe of the brain. Redoute's research, which is published in the journal Human Brain Mapping, is among the first to link it to sexual arousal. Redoute and his team used Positron Emission Tomography (PET) scans to map the blood flow in the brains of nine healthy heterosexual men while they looked at a series of photographs and short films ranging from tame to sexually explicit. They also monitored the men's blood pressure, heart rate and testosterone levels as they viewed the images. After each scan the men were also asked to assess the perceived sexual arousal and humour of what they had just seen. Other areas of the brain also reacted to the stimuli but the activity of the claustrum was most closely associated with the level of arousal. ``The claustrum, a region whose function has been unclear, displayed one of the highest activations,'' the researches said in the journal. ``There is now accumulating evidence of the involvement of the claustrum in motivational processes.'' Until now there have been very few, if any, studies concentrating on the role of visual imagery and sexual stimulation of the brain using sophisticated imaging techniques. ``It's important to know how the brain functions in healthy people to understand what happens when men have sexual problems,'' Redoute added.

"Is there no military policy how virgins might blow up men?" Helena in Shakespeare's All's Well That Ends Well (I.i.123-4)

I had no idea where to put his so here it is: +---------------------- Bizarre Laws ----------------------+ ENGLAND Chelsea Pensioner may not be impersonated. It is illegal for a lady to eat chocolates on a public conveyance. In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless in public except as a clerk in a tropical fish store. Any boy under the age of 10 may not see a naked mannequin. Anal sex is prohibited. It is legal for a male to urinate in public, as long it is on the rear wheel of his motor vehicle and his right hand is on the vehicle. In Chester, you can only shoot a Welsh person with a bow and arrow inside the city walls and after midnight.

--------- Police Bust World's Most Gullible Hooker --------- KENT, Washington - This sounds like a beginning of a good blond joke. A woman was arrested for the 44th time after willingly climbing into a marked police car and admitting she was a prostitute. The officer pulled over to talk to the woman who was dressed in "in a very short dress, stockings and high heels," and asked her for a price. She allegedly admitted to being a prostitute and said she'd take $40. The officer suggested the back of the patrol car and the woman told him she had a lifelong fantasy about uniformed police- men. When she hopped in, the deputy slammed the door, locking her in. She has reportedly been release on bail.

"My fianc�e told me the rule of thumb on how much to spend on an engagement ring was two months' salary. So I moved to Haiti for a couple months, made a buck eighty. Nice plywood ring - no knots. I sanded it myself." ~ Barry Kennedy

Happy Thanksgiving, guys! Tavern Serves Up Turkey Testicles HUNTLEY, Ill. (Reuters) - A delicacy unlikely to grace Thanksgiving tables -- turkey testicles -- were gobbled up by the dozen at an Illinois tavern on Wednesday as part of the pub's pre-holiday tradition. Patrons of the Parkside Pub in Huntley feasted on more than 800 pounds of the nuggets that had been deep fried in a secret batter created by proprietor Mark McDonald, who began serving testicles the day before Thanksgiving nearly two decades ago. "They taste something like a mushroom," bartender Martha Kagel said amid the noontime hubbub. "I've had a couple already. They're good." Hoping to satisfy an expected crowd of 3,000, McDonald purchased more around 30,000 of the high-fat testicles from an Iowa turkey farm, which normally removes them from inside the birds for export.

Herro, this is velly important: News Flash!! Japan sends U.S. 50,000,000 cases of Viagra!!! They heard that our country can't get have a good election.

Rapidly gaining viewers in the competitive Moscow TV market is a program called "The Naked Truth," on an obscure channel, which features straight news delivered by a 26-year-old female anchor, but who appears from time to time topless, or while undressing, or while being fondled on-camera. According to an October New York Times report, however, the station's policy is that any news of President Putin or other leading officials must be delivered while fully clothed.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!!

Three men die in a car accident Christmas eve.They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something Christmassy. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a Christmas card, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture , St. Peter asks "how do these represent Christmas?" He answered, "they're Carol's."

"Bill Clinton's legacy has come to pass as the only President sandwiched between two Bushes" --John Burnett

--------- Over-sexed Seniors Romp At Nursing Home ---------- LONDON, England All of London was abuzz recently when nine residents of the Edith Scarborough Nursing Home were told that they must find a new place to live after they attempted a late-night orgy. That's right, they were caught in the recreation room attempting to have a sex party to the exotic sounds of the rumba music. Their ages ranged from 78 to 95. [At least they discovered additional uses for baby oil.]

They should get medals of honor, was this after a showing of Cocoon (the movie)?

Really!!! Here is the flip side: Police say that a 24 year old shoplifter was leaving a Bristol, England supermarket when he removed two lobsters from their tank and shoved them in his trousers. The man sprinted pass the stunned checkout girls, but came to a screeching halt when he felt the lobsters clutching his manhood. The thorney creatures were finally removed when emergency medics pried them loose with pliers. Doctors say the thief will fully recover from his frightening tangle with the lobsters, but he will never be a daddy. "Basically it was a do it yourself vasectomy," said the doctor. "The patient will be restored in time but will not be able to father children." The thief's painful prank landed him in the hospital where he is expected to remain for three or four weeks. But thanks to a kindhearted supermarket manager he will not be charged."The guy's gone through enough pain," said the manager. "I think he's learned his lesson, I don't think he will steal again.

--- Romanian Man Lends Support to Fight Against Impotency --- ROMANIA - A Romanian man has lent his "support" to the fight against impotency. Ioan Dumitru, from Ploiesti County, Prahova, has made a wooden scaffolding that holds the penis up in a specially designed pair of underpants. According to Dumitru, he has personally tested it and the penis remains erect even after the pants are taken off. He is keeping the price low because poor people also suffer from impotency. Dumitru concluded by stating, "This is a revolution for the sex industry."

The Bunny Died Sorry to bring you this tragic news! Today, the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 842 last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going, and going. "Pinkie," as he was known to his friends and family, was alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kep coming, and coming, and coming...

Real Condom Brands: 1. Billy Boy (Germany) 2. Enormex (U.K.) 3. Euroglider (Netherlands) 4. Happy Face (New Zealand) 5. Honeymoon Super Stimulation (Germany) 6. Jiffi Exciter (U.K.) 7. Licks (U.S.A.) 8. Mamba (Sweden) 9. Power Play (U.S.A.) 10. Skin Less Skin (Japan)

A female salamander inseminates herself. At mating time, the male deposits a jellylike substance containing the sperm. The female draws the jelly into herself. Every year, 11,000 Americans injure themselves while trying out bizarre sexual positions. A female orgasm is a powerful painkiller (because of the release of endorphins), so headaches are in fact a bad excuse not to have sex.

"Insurance Companies" 1st Insurance man - sleeps with own wife That's "Home Insurance" 2nd Insurance man - sleeps with girl friend That's "Mutual Benefit' 3rd Insurance man - sleeps with chorus girl That's "New York Life" 4th Insurance man - sleeps with secretary That's "Employees Mutual Benefit" 5th - Insurance man - sleeps with hotel maid That's "Travelers aid" 6th - Insurance man - sleep with woman next door That's "Royal Neighbors" 7th - Insurance man - sleeps with old maid That's "Prudential" 8th - Insurance man - sleeps with grandma That's "Old Age Assistance" 9th - Insurance man - sleeps with nobody That's "John Hancock" 10th - Insurance man - sleeps with anybody That's "Metropolitan" 11th - Insurance man - sleep with boyfriend That's "Odd Fellow" 12th - Insurance man - sleeps with Charlie McCarthy That's "Lumberman's Mutual" In case anyone gets pregnant from all of this, That's "Industrial Accident"

+----------------- Bizarre Sexual Trivia ------------------+ In many cultures, an unmarried woman is considered a virgin, even if she's a prostitute. It's only after marriage that she loses her virginity. According to the Kinsey Report, half of the men raised on farms have had a sexual encounter with an animal. The name of Wyoming's Grand Tetons mountain range literally means "Big Tits". White women and those women with a college degree in partic- ular are the most receptive to anal sex. 55 percent of women say they've faked an orgasm at one time or another. 33 percent of women admit they moan in bed, 7 percent shriek and 13 percent laugh. The most popular sexual position is missionary, followed by the woman on top and "doggie style." Every year, 11,000 Americans injure themselves while trying out bizarre sexual positions.

Israeli Guido, an intelligence officer from Isreal, is out picking up chicks in Tel Aviv. While at his favourite bar, he manages to attract one rather nordic looking blonde woman. So they're back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. Proud of his rugged background and years in the IDF, he forces himself to last as long as possible. He climaxes loudly. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, "So .... you finish?" After a slight pause she replies, "No." Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the last... and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, "So ..... you finish?" And again, after a short pause, she simply says "No." Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent. Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette ... lights it again, and then asks, "So ... you finish?" To which her pleasured reply is, "No. I'm Swedish."

She's from Sveeeeeden.

uh huh!!! Disclaimer: The poster of the following does not espouse the thoughts the men are expressing! When a teenage girl smiles at a boy, he tries to decide what makes him so sexy. When a young lady smiles at a man in his fifties, he turns around to see who's the handsome dude behind him. But when a female of any age smiles at a man of 80, he looks down to see if he's unzipped.

Great News Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil. After one day: The first worm -- dead Second worm -- dead Third worm -- dead Fourth worm -- alive Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms.

shakespearean Pick-up lines Shakespeare's pickup lines - "Of course, 'Romeo and Gertrude' is just a working title. I might be persuaded to change it for you, M'Lady." "Shall I compare thee to a brick outhouse?" "If I whispered in thine ear that thou hadst a body of beauty unknown but to the heavens, wouldst thou hold it against me?" "Wouldst thou care to join me in forming the beast with two backs?" "My heart, it pines, as my trousers tent." "Without thine companionship, dear lady, I fearest I'd spend the evening with pen in hand, if thou knows what I mean." "Hey, Baby, can Ophelia up?" "Is this a dagger I see before me? Nay! I'm merely happy to cast eyes upon thy beauty!" "Wouldst thou away to yon Motel 6 with me?" "Do me, or not do me. THAT is the question."

sorry - it was all I could find and this place is dead at the moment. *sigh*

Keep plugging.

:-) very good!

Ahhhh, it's nice to know there are discerning browsers out there! "Organizers of the first 'National Orgasm Week' held this year were very disappointed with the results obtained. It seems at least three-quarters of the women polled just pretended to celebrate it." ---Unknown

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? ---Unknown

Where else on earth but in Texas where everything has to be BIGGER?! HOUSTON, Texas - A new non-surgical breast enlargement gadget will be available in the United States this month. The Brava system focuses mainly on a computerized bra that the woman must wear ten hours a day for ten weeks. The two plastic cups, which reportedly induce cell growth, are linked to a computer. The cups pull the breast tissue like the suction of a vacuum. The system will cost form $2000 to $2500, and according to a doctor overseeing the testing, each participant experienced an increase in cup size.

I can pull breast tissue like the suction of a vacuum, and I can do it for a hell of a lot less than $2000 per cup ;-)

Hmmm...since I have a texan and an Englishman reading this efidying stuff: An Englishman, an American and a Texan are called upon to take a lie detector test. The Englishman says: "I think I can empty 20 bottles of wine". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "Ok", he says, "10 bottles". And the machine is silent. The American says: "I think I can eat 15 hamburgers". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "Allright, 8 hamburgers". And the machine's silent. The Texan says: "I think...", BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ goes the machine.

I was just thinking along those lines. Much more satifying, one would think with that personal "touch"... Way to go, Mike!

I like to give my breast-enhancement clients a very, very personal service :-) Although, I have to say, the object of my trip to Paris last weekend required no breast-enlargment / -enhancement whatsoever ;-)))

Paris? In the spring? Surely you could *Squeeze* in a little cross-channel personal contact...*sigh* Sounds sooooo romantic!

In a recent FDA study, identical doses of Viagra were administered weekly to an equal number of doctors and lawyers. While the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.

Hormone Hostage Guide The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other. DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT? SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown. SAFEST: Wow! Look at you! DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: Could we be overreacting? SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars. DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

-- New Facts About British Sexuality: Apparently It Exists -- London - Britons need no longer hang their heads in shame, they're good at sex, and have a lot of it. This study, due out July 3, has exploded the myths surrounding British sexuality and destroyed the reputations of some other nations in the process. Here's the details: The average Brit has sex 2,580 times in his or her life with five different people, and some 42 percent of Britons manage a bit of sexual infidelity. Italians, long regarded as sex legends, are the least sexually active people in Europe... less than 100 times a year. And when they have sex it lasts less time than anywhere in Europe (14 minutes). Brazilians have the greatest endurance, with sex lasting an average of 30 minutes. Thailand produces sprinters who have sex the quickest (10 minutes on average).

That's an interesting set of stats regarding British sexuality. I would have to say, having had sex with both American girls and English ones, the English ones were far more open-minded, enthusiastic and generally talented. It seems to me that, deep-down, American girls have a very puritanical opinion about sex. I've just discovered that French girls aren't too bad either ;-)

Oh Mike - don't tar us all with the same brush. I heard Englishmen were lousy lovers but I know that cannot be all of them! Neither is it for American women. Trust me on this - I can name names! Congrats on your international addition!

I guess I don't have a completely representative example...I'll just have to go out and find more victims. I mean, willing partners ;-)

A man doing market research knocking on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small chirldren running around at her feet. He said, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" She said," Yes. My husband and iuse it all the time." "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex" The researcher was a little taken aback. He said,"Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, i know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?" The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and i put it on the door knob, and it keeps the kids out.

Receptivity always enhances the expereice. Don't forget the vaseline for the door knobs!

Good one.

Why E-mail Is Like a Penis 1. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. 2. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior. 3. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it. 4. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "Email Envy." 5. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done. 6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun. 7. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses. 8. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. 9. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. 10. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble. And the last reason is.... 11. If you play with it too much, you go blind.

very good :-)) enjoyed that one

I suspect there were more than a few lurkers who did, as well. I am enough of a lady to know better but could not resist sharing that one! Glad you enjoyed!

THE MOST DANGEROUS SNAKE IN THE WORLD NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake) LOCATION: Throughout the entire world DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin) Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly dangerous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet) * Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species. SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen! HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places. ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men. WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected. CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow. SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success. SEARCHING FOR ANTI-VENOM : 1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front. 2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion. 3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, very rigid and start spitting. 4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked. 5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes. CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet...

:-)

It's nice to be appreciated! *;)

Q: Did you here about the great VIAGRA robbery. Three men are being sought for stealing a truckload of the new wonder drug! A: Police are searching for three hardened criminals!

CUCKOO CLOCK The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight... "promise!" Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easy. At 3am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Got away with that one, I thought! Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'oh f**k,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more.... then threw up."

A newlywed couple are in their hotel room getting ready to have sex again, when the guy says to his bride, "Honey, this time I want to have anal sex." "Can you get pregnant doing that?" she asked. "Of course you can," he replied, "where do you think lawyers come from?"

hehehehe...that one made me laugh out loud :-)

Delighted you appreciate lawyers as much as the rest of us do! A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy appeared; and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand; and boom, she had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than I." The fairy picked up her wand; and boom, he was 90.

RELIGIOUS PHILOSOPHIES OF THE WORLD IN A NUTSHELL Catholicism: If shit happens, I deserve it. Protestantism: Shit won't happen if I work harder. Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to me? Buddhism: When shit happens, is it really shit? Islam: If shit happens, take a hostage. Hinduism: This shit happened before. Hare Krishna: Shit happens Rama Lama Ding Dong. Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit.

SEX!!!!! What do I know about sex? I'm a married man." Tom Clancy "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." Steve Martin "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good." Woody Allen "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,you'd better have a good hand." Unknown "If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." Rodney Dangerfield "My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet." Bill Kelly "As the French say, there are three sexes-men, women and clergymen." Rev. Sydney Smith "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." Woody Allen "I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty." George Burns "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." Matt Barry "You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither." Drew Carey "Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." Camille Paglia "Life is a sexually transmitted disease." Unknown "My kid had sex with your honor student." Bumper Sticker "Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast." Woody Allen "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." George Burns "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." Henry Miller "The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision." Lynn Lavner "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 600SL convertible." P. J. O'Rourke

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." "It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny." "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a politician, a lawyer, or possibly someone in upper management."

Bumper Stickers -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- 1. Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an ass. 2. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you! 3. Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date! 4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. 5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. 7. Hang up and drive. 8. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings" 9. Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends 10. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted. 11. Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself. 12. The proctologist called, they found your head. 13. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film. 14. Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people "Everybody But Me." 15. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me. 16. Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

A man is driving down the road and sees a sign saying... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES He thinks it was a figment of his imagination - and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads... SISTERS OF MERCY He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks... "What may we do for you my son?" "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers. "Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun. He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this door" and leaves. The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He places the money in this nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, which slams shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: "Go in Peace. You have just been fornicated by the Sisters of Mercy."

Did you ever wonder where the saying "you gotta' be shittin'me!" came from? Well, in a contemporary account from the Revolutionary War comes the answer. When George Washington and his troops were crossing the Delaware River, they were packed tightly into their boats. It was extremely dark and storming furiously as they were tossed back and forth with little visibility. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him in the prow of the boat with a lantern. He ordered Peters to swing it back and forth so they could see where they were going. Corporal Peters stood up braving the wind and driving rain, swinging the lantern back and forth. After a while, a big gust of wind hit the boat and knocked Corporal Peters and his lantern over the side and into the cold waters of the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for almost an hour for Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible for Peters had been one of the favorite non-coms of the ragged force. When Washington and his troops landed on the far shore sometime later, they were wet, sad and totally exhausted. However, the General rallied the troops and told them they must go on. Finally, when Washington and his troops began to feel there was no way they could go any further, one of his men cried out, "General, I see lights ahead!" They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge brightly lit house in the middle of the woods. What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open and the proprietress looked out to see Washington and all his men standing there. A huge smile spread across her face to see so many potential customers standing there. Washington spoke up, "Madam, I am General George Washington of the Continental Army and these are my men. We are tired and exhausted and desperately in need of warmth and comfort for a while." Again the madam looked out at all the men standing there and with a broad smile on her face said, "Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?" Washington responded, "Well, Madam, there are thirty-two of us without Peters." The proprietress in a tone of total disbelief cried out, "You gotta' be shittin' me!"

Social Security... A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for his benefits. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and comeback later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his social security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have gotten disability too." (Thanks to DB for this one!)

Jsk, thanks for this one. WHY MEN ARE NOT SECRETARIES Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife: Someone from the Guyna College called. They said Pabst beer is normal.

Jsk strikes again. This bit of intelligence is from him with thanks from me: STRANGE SEX LAWS 1. In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. 2. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. 3. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. 4. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. 5. There are men in Guam whose full time job is to travel the countryside ! and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time...Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. 6. In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. 7. Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. 8. In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. 9. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. 10. In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

Observations on Sex... * "What do I know about sex? I'm a married man." Tom Clancy * "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." Steve Martin * "You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither." Drew Carey * "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good." Woody Allen * "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Unknown * "If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." Rodney Dangerfield * "My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet." Bill Kelly * "As the French say, there are three sexes-men, women and clergymen." Rev. Sydney Smith * "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." Woody Allen * "Homosexuality is God's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren't burdened with children." Sam Austin * "I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty." George Burns * "I can remember when riding motorcycles was dangerous and sex was safe." Unknown * "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." Matt Barry * "Life is a sexually transmitted disease." Unknown * "My kid had sex with your honor student." Bumper Sticker [I think this was my pick of the bunch!] * "My sexual preference is not you." T-shirt * "Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life." Michael Sinz * "Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast." Woody Allen * "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." George Burns * "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." Henry Miller * "The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision." Lynn Lavner * "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible." P. J. ORourke

Old Rafferty married a young lady 30 years his junior and soon afterward died of a heart attack -- leaving the poor girl penniless. Rafferty's friends and neighbors decided to hold a raffle to raise money for the young widow. McCarran, the chairman, met Calhoon coming out of a saloon. "We're having a big raffle for the widow Rafferty," said McCarran. "How about buying a ticket?" "I'd sure like to, but I couldn't," said Calhoon. "My wife wouldn't let me keep her even if I won her!"

THE FARMER One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem how to carry all of his purchases home. The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

my non-PC offering for the season.. Why are the Arab terrorists so quick to commit suicide? Let's see now: No premarital sex. No oral sex ever. No booze. No titty bars. No playboy channel. No organized sports of any kind to speak of. Hooters. "What is this Hooters of which you speak!" Damned sand everywhere. Ever fish at an oasis? Rags for clothes and hats. Eating with your right hand only cause you wipe your ass with your left. Constant wailing from the asshole next door, no wait, is that music? Shit can't tell. Bar-B-Q cooked over camel dung. Prayer five times a day. The women have to wear baggy dresses and veil's. Oh, and by the way when you die it all gets better! No wonder suicide is a blessing to them !!!!!!!

From my favorite poubelle (guess what they say about Texas is true!) A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth." The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised"

IMPORTANT NOTICE Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be more alert and cautious when accepting a drink offer from a woman. There is a date rape drug going around called "beer" and it appears in liquid form. The drug is being used by female sexual predators at parties to persuade male victims to have sex with them. "Beer" is available virtually anywhere. All a woman has to do is persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against such attacks. After several "beers" men will often succumb to performing sex acts on horrific looking women who they would never normally be attracted to. Men often wake up after having "beer" with only hazy memories of what happened to them the night before - just a vague feeling something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men might be conned into a familiar scam known as "a relationship" - apparently men are easier victims for this scam after the "beer" has been administered and they have already been sexually attacked. Forward this alert to every male you know..........However, if you fall victim to this insidious drug and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open manner with a bunch of similarly affected victims. For your nearest support group, look up "Taverns" in the yellow pages.

From jsk with thanks for assisting in my corruption... Rubber thingy An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls. As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip." The old man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today."

Merry Christmas from a gentleman who will remain anonymous... WHY CHRISTMAS TREES ARE BETTER THAN MEN 1. A Christmas tree is always erect. 2. Even small ones give satisfaction. 3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights. 4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even when it's lit. 5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size. 6. A Christmas tree has cute balls. 7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls. 8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it wears out. 9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year 10. You only have to feed/water it once a week. 11. It's always there to light up your life. 12. It gets turned on only when you want it turned on. 13. It always smells nice and doesn't pass gas. 14. If it needles you, you can toss it out. 15. It doesn't ask you to have little Christmas trees.

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation. One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die." She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"

A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Here goes my sterling reputation, but these were too good to leave to cyber anonymity: Tatu say they have sex three times a day Lesbian pop duo Tatu claim they have sex with each other three times a day. 08:37 Tuesday 25th March 2003 Swede lost temper after finding girlfriend in bed with three men A Swedish man lost his temper when he came home to find his 51-year-old girlfriend in bed with three other men. 14:08 Monday 24th March 2003 Drivers 'put sexual thrills ahead of safety' Drivers are said to be putting behind-the-wheel sexual thrills above safety, according to a study. 11:57 Monday 24th March 2003 Kama Sutra manual to go on stage Two actors are to perform every position in the Kama Sutra in a controversial new play inspired by the sex guide. 11:11 Monday 24th March 2003 'Kidnapped' wife found in bed with another man An Italian who reported his wife had been kidnapped was shocked when police found her in a hotel bedroom with another man. 14:18 Thursday 20th March 2003 Women jeer strippers hidden by tiny stage Hundreds of Belgian women jeered a group of Canadian male strippers because they could only see their heads. 12:09 Thursday 20th March 2003 German man's embarrassing vacuum dilemma A German man had to call the emergency services after an embarrassing incident involving a vacuum cleaner. 10:28 Thursday 20th March 2003 Prostitute board game hits the streets A new Italian board game lets players take on the role of immigrant prostitutes enslaved by the mafia. 09:23 Wednesday 19th March 2003 Police seize Love Bus in Uruguay A Love Bus that offered young couples a cheap place to have sex in Uruguay has been seized by the police. 13:35 Tuesday 18th March 2003 New Thai police uniform 'too sexy' Policemen in Thailand are being sexually harassed by women and gay men because of their tight uniforms. 12:00 Wednesday 12th March 2003 Plenty more at the bottom of page http://www.ananova.com/news/index.html?keywords=Sex+life&menu=news.weirdworld.sexlife