About time this here showed up! Where is everybody? Oh, hiya, Wer! Where's the toast of the party?

still trying to wake up, I think...

Party Girl reporting for same. One never knows what one will find their name attached to when they pry their eyes open in the morning. Thank you, gentlemen!

Oh, that's just my William, he's like that. (*pat on the head*) But he doesn't mean ill, so... WILLIAM! Stop playing basketball in the livingroom! Excuse me, I've gotta go and look what the little critter is up to... William!

I didn't do it!

You did!

Did not! I, I don't even know what you're talking about!

You did, too! Now, go outside and beat up the neighbours! Miss Marcia and I want to talk a bit...

Aw, boy, don't cry - what's our guest to think? Miss Marcia, he's not like this normally, I don't know what is with him right now!

Alexander, be gentle with him...see how cute and disarming he is? I would forgive him any transgression. (He is very young, you know, but isn't he shaping up nicely?!)

Rather tall and good looking, too, don't you think? Nice and solidly built!

*blush* *scuffing toe on floor* Yessir.

Oh, and he's wondrously clever and intelligent. Almost anything in in the world I want to know or discuss, he is right up there with me. I find that most enchanting. We must be good to this man. He is one of a kind!

Ooops! leaving on tiptoe

and the world is better off without more of me...had a boss once tell me he wished he could clone me...so I told him one of us would kill the other one...I could not work for myself... (spoke over the shoulder and out the door...)

and grabbin Gi so I can tag along with her... so, Gi...you used to visit in screwed...what happened? (and don't give me that marriage nonsense!)

It got too screwed even for me!:-) I wonder how you ladies and gentlemen manage to be everywhere... You may talk of "marriage nonsense", but I assure you I must have some time with the DH or he'll have grounds for divorce :-(

Remember, I almost only visited Word Association.

I know...but you were still missed when you quit showing up in there...

Thank you, that is very kind :-)

And you seem to be posting here, too...?!

Welcoming you wherever and whenever I can...:-)

Deteriorata Go placidly amid the noise and waste, And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. Rotate your tires. Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, And heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys. Know what to kiss, and when. Consider that two wrongs never make a right, but that three do. Wherever possible, put people on hold. Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, and despite the changing fortunes of time, There is always a big future in computer maintenance. Remember The Pueblo. Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle, and mutilate. Know yourself. If you need help, call the FBI. Exercise caution in your daily affairs, Especially with those persons closest to you - That lemon on your left, for instance. Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls Would scarcely get your feet wet. Fall not in love therefore. It will stick to your face. Gracefully surrender the things of youth: birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan. And let not the sands of time get in your lunch. Hire people with hooks. For a good time, call 606-4311. Ask for Ken. Take heart in the deepening gloom That your dog is finally getting enough cheese. And reflect that whatever fortune may be your lot, It could only be worse in Milwaukee. You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here. And whether you can hear it or not, The universe is laughing behind your back. Therefore, make peace with your god, Whatever you perceive him to be - hairy thunderer, or cosmic muffin. With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal, The world continues to deteriorate. Give up! copyright 1975, National Lampoon

"A TEXAN'S GUIDE TO LIFE" Don't squat with your spurs on. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. Always drink upstream from the herd. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson. When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. Never miss a good chance to shut up. There are three kinds of men: The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

Right! Neither one works.

Neither one of those three Texans has a job? That's why they hafta spend their days peeing on fences? How sad!

That was sent to me by my ex from Pennsylvania...so I posted it where I thought I would offend the fewest Texans. *lol* Sorry to hear neither one works...!

Have you ever wondered who has the time to figure all these things out????? Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. There are more chickens than people in the world. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched." On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt." All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

RANDOM THOUGHTS 1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 2. A day without sunshine is like night. 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 5. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you. 6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 7. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 8. Honk if you love peace and quiet. 9. Remember half the people you know are below average. 10. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool. 11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 12. He who laughs last thinks the slowest. 13. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 14. When everything's coming your way, chances are that you're traveling in the wrong lane. 15. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 16. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. 17. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 18. No one is listening until you make a mistake. 19. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. 20. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 21. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. 22. Two wrongs are only the beginning. 23. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up. 24. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 25. Change is inevitable except from vending machines. 26. Plan to be spontaneous-tomorrow. 27. Two wrongs may not make a right; but two Wrights made an airplane. 28. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 29. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 30. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

PENN STATE 41 ARIZONA 7

And, In Honor of Our Adopted Home State of Texas, I offer the following: A rich Texan walked into the offices of the president of a small Texas college and said, "I'd like to donate a million dollars tax free to this institution. But there's a condition. I would like to have an honorary degree." The president nodded agreeably, "That's not a problem. We can certainly arrange that!" The rich man said, "An honorary degree for my *horse*." "For your horse???" "Yep, you betcha. She carried me for many years and I owe her a lot. I'd like her to receive a Tr.D., a Doctor of Transportation." "But . . . we can't give a degree to a *horse*!" "Then I'm afraid I'll have to take my million dollars to another educational institution." "Well, wait a minute," said the president, seeing the million slip through his fingers, "Let me consult with the school's trustees." A hurried trustee meeting was brought to order and the president related the deal and the condition. All of the board reacted with shock and disbelief -- except the oldest trustee. He appeared almost asleep. One trustee snorted, "We can't give a *horse* an honorary degree -- no matter HOW much money is involved." The oldest trustee opened his eyes and said, "Take the money and give the horse the degree." The president asked, "Don't you think that would be a disgrace to us?" "Of course not, " the wise old trustee said. "It would be an honor. It'd be the first time we ever gave a degree to an ENTIRE horse."

Okay...I see the Penn State score posted here, also, but thanks for posting "Deteriorata." It has been one of my faves for 24 years!

From my ex I give you another view of Texas: Subject: Just moved to Texas May 30th Just moved to Texas. Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here. June 14th Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper. June 30th Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here. July 10th The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected. July 15th Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this. July 20th I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shit. No more pets in this heat! July 25th Dry #@*&$!% heat, my ass. Hot is hot!! The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts. July 30th Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,500 in damn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here? Aug 4th 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this #@*&$!% state. Aug 8th If another wise ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to tear his #@*&$!% throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like Roasted #@*&$!% Garfield!! Aug 10th The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to #@*& for two damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren damn desert?? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the #@*&$!% pool. Even a cactus can't live in this heat. Aug 14th Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the #@*&$!% windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail. Aug 30th Worst day of the damn summer. I'm not leaving the house. The #@*&$!% monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500 windshield. That does it, we're moving to Illinois for some peace and quiet

Things to Ponder 1. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? 2. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? 3. How do a fool and his money GET together? 4. How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes? 5. How is it that a building burns up as it burns down? 6. If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax? 7. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 8. If you throw a cat out the car window, does it become kitty litter? 9. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald? 10. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 11. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have? 12. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? 13. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? 14. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 15. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? 16. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills? 17. How come there aren't B batteries? 18. How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there? 19. How do I set my laser printer on stun? 20. How is it possible to have a civil war? 21. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 22. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 23. If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2? 24. If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry? 25. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 26. If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet? 27. If crime doesn't pay...does that mean that my job is a crime? 28. Did Noah keep his bees in archives? 29. How can there be self-help "groups"? 30. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 31. How do you know honesty is the best policy until you have tried some of the others? 32. How do you throw away a garbage can? 33. How does a Thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold? 34. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? 35. If a word in the dictionary is misspelled, how would we know? 36. If Superman is so smart, then why does he wear his underpants on the outside of his trousers? 37. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? 38. What happens to an 18-hour bra after 18 hours? 39. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? 40. Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up? 41. Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing people is wrong? 42. Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him? 43. Why is it that night falls but day breaks? 44. What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about? 45. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Real Rules Charles Sykes is the author of DUMBING DOWN OUR KIDS. He volunteered to give high school and college graduates a list of things he did not learn in school. In his book he talks about how some of the liberal, feel-good, politically correct garbage has created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and set them up for failure in the real world. These are the RULES they should learn: Rule 1 Life is not fair; get used to it. Rule 2 The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. Rule 3 You will not make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone until you *earn* both. Rule 4 If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure. Rule 5 Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger-flipping; they called it opportunity. Rule 6 If you screw up, it's not your parents' fault so don't whine about your mistakes. Learn from them. Rule 7 Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning your room, and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. So before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room. Rule 8 Your school may have done away with winners and losers but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades, they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life. Rule 9 Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time. Rule 10 Television is not real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. Rule 11 Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I can't tell you how many times I've had kids look at me like I was off my -------- rocker for telling them some of these, especially #3, #4, and #11.

Oh yes, I'll bet you have gotten a lot of grief over them. With a little luck they will remember them long enough to realize their value. Thanks for trying to teach those little skulls full of mush...*smile*

Your tax dollars at work: One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels. The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisorthe situation. The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels... just lean on each other until they arrive."

*lol* Dear! It would be a lot funnier if it weren't so true!

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Stecey gave me this idea inadventently (she is so clever, she knew...) and Wolf made a request to see the print bigger, so I am purposely leaving the bold HTML tag open so all posts are emboldened. Please leave it this way on this topic. Thank you!

An eagle swoops down on a frog and swallows the hapless amphibian whole. The frog remains alive through the eagle's entire digestive tract until it can see the ground far below while peeking out the bird of prey's anus. "Hey, Eagle, how high up are we?" asked the frog. "Oh, about a mile," replied the eagle." "You wouldn't shit me, now, would you?"

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!" The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

A man was in an accident and his penis was chopped off. He was rushed to the hospital where the doctor examined him, and after careful examination said, "We can replace it with a small size for $5,000, a medium size for $15,000, or an extra-large size for $30,000. I realize it's a lot of money, so take your time and talk it over with your wife." When the doctor came back into the room he found the man staring sadly at the floor. "My wife says she'd rather have a new kitchen."

*lol* the first one, and poor choice for the second one...(leaving the bold HTML tags open on purpose so we can read what is posted...)

"That's your analysis," said the lab tech.

indeed...*smile*

It's still August and already I'm playing hooky. Had no energy this morning...was afraid I'd fall asleep in class, so called for sub.

There was a Texan living in Bristol a while back. Huge fellow he was, had to duck under all but the highest of doorways, and often had to go through sideways. And he was always going on about how much bigger things were back home, used to really bore everyone senseless with his bragging. Anyway, he died one day, and wound up in a mortuary where a friend of mine worked. Charlie was telling me about the trouble they had, trying to find a coffin big enough to plant him in. They looked everywhere, but there was nothing that even came close, and it would take time to have one specially made."So what did you do?" I asked. "Oh," said Charlie, "it was simple, really. We gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box."

The sky was dark, the moon was high, All alone, just she and I. Her hair so soft, her eyes so brown, Her hair so smooth like eider down. Her skin so soft, her legs so fine, I ran my fingers down her spine. I didn't know how but I tried my best, I placed my hands upon her breast. I felt my fear, my beating heart, but slowly she spread her legs apart. And as I tried to hide my shame all at once the white stuff came. I've finished and it's over now, the first time that I've milked a cow.

Two lines about hair...that's what I get for posting my uncle's redneck doggerel.

Redneck doggerel edited for form and content. The sky was dark, the moon was high and all alone was she and I. Her lines so soft, her eyes so brown her hair as smooth as eider down, her skin just right, her legs so fine I ran my fingers down her spine. I didn't know how but tried my best, I placed my hands upon her breast. I felt my fear, my beating heart, but slowly she spread her legs apart I had just overcome my shame when all at once the white stuff came. And that's the end, it's over now, the first time that I've milked a cow.

That is sooo goood ... *lol* Thank you, John!

Welcome, ma'am...

That is sooo goood ... *lol* Thank you, John!

How are we doing that? It happened in art this morning. I do not double post! ...the joys of yapp software...

News Headlines Marijuana Issue Sent To A Joint Committee * Toronto Star headline Publicize your business absolutely free! Send $6. * Entrepreneur Magazine ad Gators To Face Seminoles With Peters Out * The Tallahassee Bugle Messiah Climaxes In Chorus Of Hallelujahs * The Anchorage, Alaska Times Married Priests In Catholic Church A Long Time Coming * The New Haven, Connecticut Register Governor Chiles Offers Rare Opportunity To Goose Hunters * The Tallahassee Democrat Would She Climb To The Top Of Mr. Everest Again? Absolutely! * The Houston Chronicle Governor's Penis Busy [should be "Pen Is"] * The New Haven, Connecticut Register Thanks To President Clinton, Staff Sgt. Fruer Now Has A Son * The Arkansas Plainsman Clinton Places Dickey In Gore's Hands * Bangor Maine News Starr Aghast At First Lady Sex Position * The Washington Times Clinton Stiff On Withdrawal * The Bosnia Bugle Long Island Stiffens For Lili's Blow * Newsday Organ Festival Ends In Smashing Climax * San Antonio Rose Petroleum Jelly Keeps Idle Tools Rust-free * Chicago Daily News Textron Inc. Makes Offer To Screw Company Stockholders * The Miami Herald

Hilo's own Hawaii Tribune-Herald headlined Connecticut's NCAA women's basketball championship a couple of years ago with: Husky Women Are Best Good, show MarciaMarciaMarcia

Thanks for adding the local touch - I had quite forgotten about it.

Top ten things that would be different if the 12 apostles had been gay: 10. The Last Supper would have been brunch. 9. The Beatitudes would start, "Fabulous are they..." 8. Jesus' triumphant entry into Jerusalem screams for a production number, with ostrich feather palm fronds and a large oyster shell instead of just a donkey. 7. The water at the wedding feast of Canaan would not have been changed to wine, but extra dry Bombay Sapphire martinis with a touch of Curacao for color. 6. The temple would not only have been cleansed of moneychangers, but redecorated as well. 5. Mary's hair would have been flawless. 4. The Gospels would be Mathew, Mark, Lance, and Bruce. 3. Priests would have torrid affairs with altar boys... wait....never mind. 2. Jesus would never wear white after Labor Day. 1. The Sermon on the Mount would have been a musical.

*lol* I wonder how many people this managed to offend. Very funny and Thanks for contributing to my delinquence.

I thought offending was the basic premise of "Screwed." Pardonez-moi, s'il vous plait!

But it is...it is the place where no holds are barred - that is why there is word association and word disassociation topics, and all sorts of other things. and, what better place to put sightly wild humor than in screwed?!

Ha-hA!!!! Good stuff, John!!!

In the immortal words of the father of my illegitimate birth, Elvis Presley (Lisa Marie got the money, I got the waistline), "Thankya, thankya verramuch..." More mangled language: On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hopefor. In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers. In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotelporter. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin. On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life. Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.

T-shirts for Women 1- I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day. 2- Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it. 3- Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later. 4- Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time. 5- Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths? 6- I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time. 7- Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win. 8- You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP. 9- Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. 10- Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares? 11- I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them. 12- Next mood swing: 6 minutes. 13- I hate everybody, and you're next. 14- Please don't make me kill you. 15- And your point is... 16- I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now. 17- All stressed out and no one to choke. 18- I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people. 19- How can I miss you if you won't go away? 20- Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

Good stuff Marcia...and you have your topic back... 21. Are you stoned? Or just STUPID!

Most of those comments above do not reflect this poster's thoughts. I just posted it for the truly screwed members of the audience...

John - Visit often...I shall miss you if you do not!

Having a car accident can be a confusing experience for many people, especially when asked to write down the details of the accident in a few well-chosen words. The following words were chosen by drivers in the summaries purportedly submitted to police when asked. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him. The proximate/indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. I saw her look twice, she appeared to be making slow progress, then, we met on impact. The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went into the bush with just his rear-end showing. I had been driving my car for 40 years when I fell asleep and had the accident. I had been learning to drive with power-steering. I turned the wheel, what I thought was enough, and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way. I was on my way to the doctor's with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before. I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured scull. I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the highway when I struck him. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's lap. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of it's path, when it struck my front end. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obstructing my vision. I did not see the other car. The accident occurred while I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering into the other vehicle. As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished. When I saw I could not avoid the collision. I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows. The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. And finally, one driver willing to admit he was less than totally innocent: No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.

OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know about: 660 Approximate number of the Beast DCLXVI Roman numeral of the Beast 666.0000 Number of the High Precision Beast 0.666 Number of the Millibeast / 666 Beast Common Denominator (-666) ^ (1/2) Imaginary number of the Beast 6.66 e3 Floating point Beast 1010011010 Binary of the Beast 6, uh... what was that number again? Number of the Blonde Beast 1-666 Area code of the Beast 00666 Zip code of the Beast 666mph The speed limit of the Beast $665.95 Retail price of the Beast $699.25 Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax $769.95 Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul $656.66 Walmart price of the Beast $646.66 Next week's Walmart price of the Beast Phillips 666 Gasoline of the Beast Route 666 Way of the Beast 666 F Oven temperature for roast Beast 666k Retirement plan of the Beast 666 mg Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast 6.66 % 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank, $666 minimum deposit. $666/hr Beast's lawyer's billing rate Lotus 6-6-6 Spreadsheet of the Beast Word 6.66 Word Processor of the Beast i66686 CPU of the Beast 666i BMW of the Beast DSM-666 (revised) Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast 1232 Octal, Apt. 29A Beast's hexed address 668 Next-door neighbor of the Beast 333 The semi-Christ 665.9997856 The Number of the Beast on a Pentium

The Beast in Mathematical Terms 666.66666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666 Repeating decimals are worse than repeating chili...

If you say so...*lol*

Ha-HA!!!! Hey have any of you read about the 2 new space telescopes built in America. This is no joke. The one is called the VLT - which apparently stands for .... can you guess??? VERY LARGE TELESCOPE. And then there's and even larger, more advanced one, called the OLT. For OVERWHELMINGLY LARGE TELESCOPE!!!! ha-ha! Is that to die for or what??? Says something about scientists and the imagination, and I hope Ray never ever reads this, 'cos I'll be dead meat!

Hey, lets hide it in Screwed where the print is small (oops!) and the background is confusing...he'll never see it clear from Corpus!!! They also have VLA telescopes which are Very Long Arrays!!! Usually radio telescopes...!

ha-ha! NUTS!

Eleanor Roosevelt wrote: Many people will walk in and out of your life, But only true friends will leave footprints in your heart. To handle yourself, use your head; To handle others, use your heart. Anger is only one letter short of danger. If someone betrays you once, it is his fault; If he betrays you twice, it is your fault. Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. He who loses money, loses much; He who loses a friend, loses much more; He who loses faith, loses all. Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, But beautiful old people are works of art. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself. Friends, you and me.... You brought another friend.... And then there were 3.... We started our group.... Our circle of friends.... And like that circle.... There is no beginning or end.... Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's the Present.

It is evident where FDR drew upon a great deal of his wisdom...and why the nation was in good hands when FDR was too infirm to take care of the presidential business himself. Thanks Marcia, for these inspiring words!

The History Of, "Giving The Finger" In the film, Titanic, the character Rose is shown giving the finger to Jack (another character). Many people who have seen the film, question whether "giving the finger" was done around the time of the itanic disaster, or was it a more recent gesture invented by some defiant young punk. According to research, here's the true story: GIVING THE FINGER BEFORE THE BATTLE OF AGINCOURT IN 1415: The French, anticipating victory over the English, intended to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. They waved their middle finger towards the British signaling their intent. You see, without the middle finger it is impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and, therefore, the disfigured British soldiers would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous weapon (the longbow) was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew"). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!" Over the years some "folk-etymologies" have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since "pluck yew" is rather difficult to say (like "peasant mother pheasant plucker"; which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter. It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".

For my Aloha piece "If Tomorrow Never Comes" If I knew it would be the last time that I'd see you fall asleep, I would tuck you in more tightly and pray the Lord, your soul to keep. If I knew it would be the last time that I see you walk out the door, I would give you a hug and kiss and call you back for one more. If I knew it would be the last time I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise, I would video tape each action and word, so I could play them back day after day. If I knew it would be the last time, I could spare an extra minute or two to stop and say "I love you," instead of assuming you would KNOW I do If I knew it would be the last time I would be there to share your day, well I'm sure you'll have so many more, so I can let just this one slip away. For surely there's always tomorrow to make up for an oversight, and we always get a second chance to make everything right. There will always be another day to say our "I love you's", And certainly there's another chance to say our "Anything I can do's?" But just in case I might be wrong, and today is all I get, I'd like to say how much I love you and I hope we never forget, Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike, And today may be the last chance you get to hold your loved one tight So if you're waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today? For if tomorrow never comes, you'll surely regret the day, That you didn't take that extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss and you were too busy to grant someone, what turned out to be their one last wish. So hold your loved ones close today, and whisper in their ear, Tell them how much you love them and that you'll always hold them dear Take time to say "I'm sorry," "Please forgive me," "thank you," or "its okay". And if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today.

hello to you too...

Hi Stacey! Thanks for dropping by. Please ignore the email I sent you this morning. I hope Alexander deletes his, as well. I spent the day communing with gravel and have a tbsp of olivines (peridots) to show for it and a back ache from crouching for five hours (after trying to play a piano which has missing notes and octaves...) And a headache from thinking things over...

(BTW, thanks for taking that Aloha as hello! I meant goodbye when I wrote it...but I am afraid there is too much of Spring in me to go that route.)

LOVE VS LUST VS MARRIAGE LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room. LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room. MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room. LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."' LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing." MARRIAGE - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania. LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have. LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot. MARRIAGE - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids. LOVE - When you share everything you own. LUST - When you steal everything they own. MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything. LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax. LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax. MARRIAGE - When ... uh ... what's a climax? LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi." LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room. MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch about work. LOVE - When you write poems about your partner. LUST - When all you write is your phone number. MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks. LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings. LUST -When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all around. MARRIAGE - When you're only concern as to what's on TV. LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner. LUST - When you only see each other naked. MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake. LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them. LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them. MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them. LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel. LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it. MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio. LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about. LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about. MARRIAGE - When just getting through the day is your only thought. LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner. LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner. MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score. LOVE - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk. LUST-When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex. MARRIAGE- When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement. LOVE- You only leave the house to buy coffee and doughnuts. LUST- You only leave the house to buy condoms and Vaseline. MARRIAGE- You only leave the house when you're allowed.

*LOL* To me, intercourse has always been "talking!"

ALWAYS???? Oh John, I am sooo sorry!!! Subject: "Keep Your Fork" There was a woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things "in order", she contacted her pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in. The woman also requested to be buried with her favorite Bible. Everything was in order and the pastor was preparing to leave when the woman suddenly remembered something very important to her. "There's one more thing," she said excitedly. "What's that?" came the pastor's reply. "This is very important," the woman continued. "I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand." The pastor stood looking at the woman, not knowing quite what to say. "That surprises you, doesn't it?" the woman asked. "Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the pastor. The woman explained. "In all my years of attending church socials and potluck dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say,'Keep your fork'. It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming...like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance! So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder "What's with the fork?'. Then I want you to tell them: "Keep your fork....the best is yet to come". The pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the woman goodbye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She knew something better was coming. At the funeral people were walking by the woman's casket and they saw the pretty dress she was wearing anothher favorite Bible and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the pastor heard the question "What's with the fork?" And over and over he smiled. During his message, the pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. The pastor told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either. He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork, let it remind you oh so gently,that the best is yet to come.

Beautifully put.

John,what color should I dye my hair?

Auburn

Why did I know you would say that? And, I know I would kill the first person who called me a redhead...better try for something more subtle. Meanwhile...for Ri�tte, Alexander, Elena and the rest of you who speak and write English better than the natives: -- The English Language -- (author unknown) We'll begin with box, and the plural is boxes; But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes. Then one fowl is goose, but two are called geese ... Yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a whole lot of mice, But the plural of house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called men, When couldn't the plural of pan be called pen? The cow in the plural may be cows or kine, But the plural of vow is vows, not vine. And I speak of a foot, and you show me your feet, But I give a boot... would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth? If the singular is this and plural is these, Why shouldn't the plural of kiss be nicknamed kese? Then one may be that, and three may be those, Yet the plural of hat would never be hose; We speak of a brother, and also of brethren, But though we say mother, we never say methren. The masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine she, shis, and shim! So our English, I think you will all agree, Is the trickiest language you ever did see. I take it you already know Of tough and bough and cough and dough? Others may stumble, but not you On hiccough, thorough, slough, and through? Well done! And now you wish, perhaps, To learn of less familiar traps? Beware of heard, a dreadful word That looks like beard and sounds like bird. And dead; it's said like bed, not bead; For goodness sake, don't call it deed! Watch out for meat and great and threat, (they rhyme with suite and straight and debt) A moth is not a moth in mother. Nor both in bother, broth in brother. And here is not a match for there. And dear and fear for bear and pear. And then there's dose and rose and lose -- Just look them up -- and goose and choose. And cork and work and card and ward, And font and front and word and sword. And do and go, then thwart and cart. Come, come, I've hardly made a start. A dreadful language? Man alive, I'd learned to speak it when I was five, And yet to write it, the more I sigh...

MENtal illness - MENstrual cramps- MENtal breakdown - MENopause- Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN??

THE PERFECT MAN The perfect man is gentle Never cruel or mean He has a beautiful smile And keeps his face so clean. The perfect man likes children And will raise them by your side He will be a good father As well as a good husband to his bride. The perfect man loves cooking Cleaning and vacuuming, too He'll do anything in his power To convey his feelings of love on to you. The perfect man is sweet Writing poetry from your name He's a best friend to your mother And kisses away your pain. He never has made you cry Or hurt you in any way To hell with this endless poem The perfect man is gay.

If Riette does kill me, this is evidence you suggested it (conspiracy). She wouldn't actually have to kill me. If she planted an adder in my car or apartment, I'd have a heart attack if I saw it before it bit me!

*lol* she would have to get it from Zurich to Hilo, something of a daunting proposition in the best of times. Then through animal quarantine...You will most likely die of old age before all of that transpires, or the snake will...!

People seem to be able to smuggle reptiles into Hawaii at will. If she does pull it off, I may be the only person ever killed for mistaking auburn for 'ehu (Hawaiian for red hair) and admitting to liking Benny Hill!

Not to worry. Ree can get her back up in indignation, but she is not willfully cruel or malicious. You are too much fun to do away with, I am pretty sure! (and, yes, I know all about the crazies who smuggle "pets" into Hawaii...)

The Hawaii County Fair started at 6pm this evening. At two minutes before that hour the rains descended as they do each and every year. 4 more days of rain!

Wow, what a fascinating tradition!

Alexander, the arrival of the County Fair is more reliable predictor of the weather for that weekend than any witching method or science known to mankind. I think it is God's little reminder of just who is in charge down here...not the winner of the most blue ribbons for orchid plants or fattest pig or biggest (and saltiest) pumpkin...*smile*

The Top 37 Oxymorons 37. Act naturally 36. Found missing 35. Resident alien 34. Advanced Basic 33. Good grief 32. Same difference 31. Almost exactly 30. Sanitary landfill 29. Alone together 28. Legally drunk 27. Silent scream 26. Small crowd 25. Soft rock 24. Butt head 23. New classic 22. Sweet sorrow 21. Childproof 20. Now, then ... 19. Synthetic natural gas 18. Passive aggressive 17. Taped live 16. Clearly misunderstood 15. Peace force 14. Extinct Life 13. Temporary tax increase 12. Computer jock 11. Plastic glasses 10. Terribly pleased 09. Political science 08. Tight slacks 07. Definite maybe 06. Pretty ugly 05. Twelve-ounce pound cake 04. Diet ice cream 03. Working vacation 02. Exact estimate 01. Microsoft Works