THREE CHEERS FOR MARCIA HIP HIP HOORAY HIP HIP HOORAY HIP HIP HOORAY Rob

Real Dilberts A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists: 1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.) 2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping) 3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company) 4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service) 5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. 6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.) 7. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers) 8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation) 9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists) 10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division) 11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) 12. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards) 13. And the winner!! As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired-and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words, which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

Wooooooooo 1000 posts!!! Fantastic stuff you are finding, Cheryl. Beautiful! NEWSPAPER HEADLINES IN THE YEAR 2035 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California's third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock. Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped. Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon.) Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

NEWEST MEDICATIONS FOR WOMEN D A M I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours. St. M O M M A'S W O R T Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours. E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. P E P T O B I M B O Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting. D U M E R O L When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music. F L I P I T O R Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. M E N I C I L L I N Potent antibiotic for women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?" B U Y A G R A Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Extra Strength BUY-ONE-ALL When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura J A C K A S S P I R I N Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. R A G A M E T When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. Thanks to FL

This was written by a black guy in Texas....... what a great sense of humor! When I been born, I black. When I grow up, I black. When I go in sun, I black. When I'se cold, I black. When I scared, I black. When I sick, I black. And when I die, I'se still black. You white folks...... When you born, you pink. When you grow up, you white. When you go in sun, you red. When you cold, you blue. When you scared, you yellow. When you sick, you green. When you bruised you purple. And when you die, you gray. So who you callin' colored?

William! Welcome back. You cannot imagine how much you were missed!

ditto!!!!!

Yep.

Hi all Missed me? Sorry I neglected this place. Rob

Hi all Marcia. Watch your e-mail for incoming pics. Rob

Hey, Rob! Happy belated ANZAC Day!!

ROB!!! Welcome back from wherever. I am eager to hear of your adventures. YES!!! I missed you! I think we all did. I am also worried about John in Greece. He has never been missing this long!

I can think of worse places to disappear in!

Yeah, like Detroit? They never find you again! So I hear, anyway!

Hi all Then watch Geo over the next few days. I will put something in there. Rob

*HUGS* Rob, It is very good to have you back!

Hi all Shortly before 10PM NZST the lava dome of Robert Glennie loosed off a literary pyroclastic flow. Please go to Geo 64 to see it. Rob (the lava dome lives on)

Yay! (sorry I have not gotten your photos on line yet, but I still cannot access the hard drive because I do not have the security program for it)

they don't find you again in L.A. either.....i've missed all of you! *HUGS*

Hi all How are we all? New Zealand is having a power crisis because we have below normal inflows of water to the hydro storage lakes. The summer saw very few northwesters with large amounts of rain falling so the hydro catchments are still dry despite recent rains. I have exams in June, but in the mean time am enjoying University and I think I am on track to earn a degree in December. I am doing Geographic Information Systems, which is really interesting to put it mildly (I got a B+ for a project I did last term and am confident I can do it again)because GIS trained students are in short supply here, and Regional Councils (local government)almost guarantee you a job if you have GIS experience. Rob

Hi all I will put more stuff in Robs Geo World shortly - that will be my main focus in Spring for awhile. I might even include highlights of my high scoring GIS laboratory folio. Rob

That sounds great,Rob. Do put the information on Geo. That would be sensational.

Hi Woolfie! I'll boot the MSN from tomorrow onward and see if I can get you. I miss talking with you, too! *Hugs*

Was it here we were discussing Hominy? Grits I do not love... I was mistaken. Hush puppies are the delicous and lightly sweeteened deep fried munchie. Grits is like cream of wheat for breakfast. I hear cheese grits is (are?) good, but I have never had the opportunity to eat any. They seem not to be served at buffet tables.

Hi Marcia, thought you'd find this funny too -hope you dont mind if i post here!! :-D Updated Employee Handbook DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25 RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. The Management

Oooh lovely! Thanks, EsBee. I love it!

Vanilla Pudding This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2. Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened. They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read: Are you ready for this??????????????? IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...

The above is thanks to Ami *;)

Ewwwww!

"It doesn't SMELL like Vanilla Pudding..." (but it makes a good story) Hey guys, I am back in America on the mainland !!! Yay!

Congratulatons. You're in Kentucky?

California till Friday. After Friday I may not surface for a while :))

The guy I'm working for, building a website, might announce a run for Gov. We'll see.

You only have a short time to file in CA. ;-)

Good for you, Terry. Be sure to let us know where it is so we can admire it.

Fun Facts From Around the World In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.) In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?) Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??) The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind!") There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?) In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!) Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!) In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.) In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?) In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for this stuff?) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...? -- did the govt. pay for this research??) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez) An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too) And, the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts. (Do you think they have bad breath?)

As a life-long Marylander, I can attest to the condom vending thing--only in seedy bars! Very ironic, considering no one would want to have sex with anyone who frequents those dives...

Great stuff Cheryl! Thanks. BTW, if you have been used to emailing me, please do so again. My address book was wiped out by some unknown freeze that also took out my entire old email program. Thanks!

You're welcome! I have another one, which is about computers. COMPUTER, HERE'S YOUR LAUGH FOR TODAY!!! This will make you feel like a PC wizard! Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are technologically challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin'" yet. 1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. 2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. 3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper- by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key. 4. Yet another, Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually. 5. A Dell technicia n received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally. 6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer-but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer. 7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician aske! d her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal "turned out to be the computer's mouse. 8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?" 9. Another IBM customer had trouble in! stalling software and rang for support "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" implied to remove Disk 1 first. 10. A story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know! anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive. 11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if neshe was "running it under windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine." 12. And last but not least: TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'". TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob." CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?" TECH SUPPORT: " 'P' on your keyboard, Bob." CUSTOMER: "I ain't gonna do that! For some reason I don't feel so stupid any more.

This is so funny. No matter how often I read it, I am still ROTF when I do. Thanks Cheryl, and thanks for emailing me.

Cheryl! I LOVED the FUN FACTS! I'm still giggling... Thanks!

*Hugs* Stacey!!! It is so good to see you basking in the Spring again! You might check Geo 15. It's geosites for kids and I post NASA for kids weekly there *;)

Geo 15 for your son, of course! Moms get to learn the neatest stuff while showing their kids how it's done!

This was copied to me by my precious daughter-in-law: Dear Friends and Family, I hope that you will spare me a few minutes of your time to tell you about something that I saw on Monday, October 27. I had been attending a conference in Annapolis and was coming home on Sunday. As you may recall, Los Angeles International Airport was closed on Sunday, October 26, because of the fires that affected air traffic control. Accordingly, my flight, and many others, were canceled and I wound up spending a night in Baltimore. My story begins the next day. When I went to check in at the United counter Monday morning I saw a lot of soldiers home from Iraq. Most were very young and all had on their desert camouflage uniforms. This was as change from earlier, when they had to buy civilian clothes in Kuwait to fly home. It was a visible reminder that we are in a war. It probably was pretty close to what train terminals were like in World War II. Many people were stopping the troops to talk to them, asking them questions in the Starbucks line or just saying "Welcome Home." In addition to all the flights that had been canceled on Sunday, the weather was terrible in Baltimore and the flights were backed up. So, there were a lot of unhappy people in the terminal trying to get home, but nobody that I saw gave the soldiers a bad time. By the afternoon, one plane to Denver had been delayed several hours. United personnel kept asking for volunteers to give up their seats and take another flight. They weren't getting many takers. Finally, a United spokeswoman got on the PA and said this, "Folks. As you can see, there are a lot of soldiers in the waiting area. They only have 14 days of leave and we're trying to get them where they need to go without spending any more time in an airport then they have to. We sold them all tickets, knowing we would oversell the flight. If we can, we want to get them all on this flight. We want all the soldiers to know that we respect what you're doing, we are here for you and we love you." At that, the entire terminal of cranky, tired, travel-weary people, a cross-section of America, broke into sustained and heart-felt applause. The soldiers looked surprised and very modest. Most of them just looked at their boots. Many of us were wiping away tears. And, yes, people lined up to take the later flight and all the soldiers went to Denver on that flight. That little moment made me proud to be an American, and also told me why we will win this war. If you want to send my little story on to your friends and family, feel free. This is not some urban legend. I was there, I was part of it, I saw it happen. Will Ross Administrative Judge United States Department of Defense

Just as I was thinking "urban legend" I got to the closing line.

Marci, is there a Spaulding Laundry in Louisville?

I'll check the phone book (downstairs) Don says it is between here and downtown and still in business. Why do you ask?

Beethoven The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!" "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled." A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. "Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

The Supreme Court has ruled that there can be no Nativity Scene in Washington D.C. this year. There is not religious reason. They simply cannot find three wise men or a virgin the Capitol. There is no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

The above was sent to me by a timid lady who shall remain namelss. Thanks, Lucie *;)

Thanks for this - hfl Subject: In The Beginning...... In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said "Yeh," and Woman said, "and another one with sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. The stockholders were very happy. And Satan smiled. And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14. So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. Then God said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken fried steak so big it needed its own platter. Outback Steak House thrived! And man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said "it is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food." God then brought running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds. Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds. God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. Satan created McDonald's and its 99 cent double cheeseburger and said ''You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yeh! And super size 'em." And Satan said "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created HMOs.

For All the Lexophiles (Word Lovers) A bicycle can�t stant alone because it is two-tired. What�s the definition of will? (It�s a dead giveaway.) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. A backward poet writes inverse. In democracy it�s your vote that counts; in feudalism it�s your count that votes. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don�t pay your exorcist you get repossessed. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I�ll show you A-flat minor. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. You fell stuck with your debt if you can�t budge it. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. He often broke into song because he couldn�t find the key. Every calendar�s days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted. �Taint yours and �taint mine. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. A plateau is a high form of flattery. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. When you�ve seen one shopping center you�ve seen a mall. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she�d dye. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. Santa�s helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture is a jab well done. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat. That which is Irish and sits out all night would be Patio Furniture.

*ROTFL*

25 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE GROWN UP 1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up. 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM. 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach. 19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." 21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again." 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 25. You read this entire list looking desperately for just one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find a single one to save your sorry old ass.

OUT OF THE MOUTH'S OF BABES A first grade teacher selected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It�s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these, keep in mind that these are first graders � 6 year olds. Better to be safe than . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . punch a 5th grader. Strike while the . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . bug is close. It�s always darkest before . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Daylight Saving Time. Never underestimate the power of . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . termites. You can lead a horse to water but . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . how? Don�t bite the hand that . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . looks dirty. No new is . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . impossible. A miss is as good as a . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Mr. You don�t teach an old dog . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . math. If you lie down with dogs, you�ll . . . . . . . . . . . . stink in the morning. Love all, trust . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . me. The pen is mightier than the . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . pigs. An idle mind is the . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . the best way to relax. Where there�s smoke, there�s . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . pollution. Happy the bride who . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . gets all the presents. A penny saved is . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . not much. Two�s company, three�s . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . the Muskateers. Don�t put off to tomorrow what . . . . . . . . . . . . you put on to go to bed. There are none so blind as . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Stevie Wonder. Children should be seen and not . . . . . . . . . . . . . . spanked or grounded. If at first you don�t succeed . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . get new batteries. When the blind leadeth the blind . . . . . . . . . . . . . . get out of the way. Better late than . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . pregnant!!!

The Parrot A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?" HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

*laugh* i've heard this with chickens in the freezer too! Happy Thanksgiving!!!

What good stuff is here!!! Thanks Cheryl !!! I love this sort of stuff.

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention has released a list of the symptoms of Bird Flu: If you experience the following, please seek medical treatment immediately: 1. High fever 2. Congestion 3. Nausea 4. Fatigue 5. Aching in the joints 6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield.

6 is telltale.

*ROTF*

Thanks to DB, we have that bird flu story. I still laugh thinking about it.

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are: 1. Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs. 2. Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained. 3. Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent. 6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown. 7. Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 13. Pokemon (n) a Rastafarian proctologist. 14. Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. 16. Circumvent (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by circumcised men.

My frisbee caught caught in a tree on the disc golf course the other day. That makes me a frisbeetarian.

YES!!! add that to the list

Good grief !