I think I've found inner peace. My therapist told me a way to achieve inner peace was to finish things I had started.... Today I finished 2 bags of potato chips, a lemon pie, a fifth of Jack Daniels and a small box of chocolate candy. I feel better already.

Things I Wish I'd Known ... Before I Went Out In The Real World" 1. Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying "Why, thank you" (though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent). 2. Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on stage singing, some are in the audience as critics and some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are. 3. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas. 4. When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste. 5. Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiters and doesn't like dogs/cats. 6. Good sex should involve laughter. Because think about it, it is funny. 7. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape. 8. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right." 9. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 10. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm. 11. The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave me was, "Go! You might meet somebody!" 12. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her- -believe it. 13. I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?' 14. Never pass up an opportunity to pee. 15. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance! 17. Knowing how to listen to music is as great a talent as knowing how to make it. 18. Work is good but it's not that important. 19. Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man. 20. And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

I don't think you've had this one ... but I'm not sure ... Subject: Memo I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees in all seriousness...It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor! (Especially note last sentence.) Replacement of Mouse Balls: If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacture of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Lovely Maggie! It is ROTF material and I have not seen it before. Thanks!

Thanks Jsk, for this bit of stuff important to Everyone who calls himself an American GUNS 101 -- A History Refresher Course a. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject. b. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone. c. Smith & Wesson. The original point and click interface. d. Gun control is not about guns, it is about control. e. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords? f. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words. g. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms. h. If you don't know your rights, you don't have any. i. Those who trade liberty for security have neither. j. The United States Constitution (C) 1791. All Rights Reserved. k. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand. l. The Second Amendment is in place in case the other amendments are ignored. m. 64,999,987 firearm owners killed no one yesterday. n. Guns have only two enemies, Rust and Politicians. o. Know guns, know peace and safety; No guns, no peace nor safety. p. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive. q. What is 911? A government sponsored "Dial a Prayer". r. Assault is a behavior, not a device. s.Criminals love gun control. It makes their job easier and safer. t. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson. u. Only a government that is afraid of it's citizens trys to control and disarm them. v. You have only the rights you are willing to fight for. w. Enforce the "gun control laws" in place; don't make more. x. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves. y. The American Revolution would never have happened with "Gun Control". z. "....a government by the people, for the people......"

What to do if you happen upon a peace rally by stupid naive college idiots, to teach them why force is sometimes needed: 1) Approach dumb, ignorant student talking about "peace" and saying there should be, "no retaliation." 2) Engage in brief conversation, ask if military force is appropriate. 3) When he says "No," ask, "Why not?" 4) Wait until he says something to the effect of, "Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence." 5) When he's in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can. 6) When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would, "be awful and he should not cause more violence." 7) Wait until he agrees that he has pledged not to commit additional violence. 8) Punch him in the face again, harder this time. Repeat steps 5 through 8 until they understand that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.

Thanks, Jsk... you did not realize you'd be imortalized here, did you?! Jake Sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown paper Jake?", he asks. "What's he look like?", asks one shoddy looking cowboy. "Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a brown paper hat, a brownpaper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket." "So what's he wanted for?", asks the same cowboy. "Rustlin'...", replies the Sheriff.

thanks to HFL for this: Supposedly a true story: A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked if it was dead or alive. "Dead," she was informed. "How do you know?", she asked. "Because I pissed in his ear and it didn't move," said the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?", the teacher squealed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'pssst' and he didn't move."

The "Two Cow Explanation" of What Makes ... A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor. A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what? A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage. DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN-STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government. CAPITALISM, AMERICAN-STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN-STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead. A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk. A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch. A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap. A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5,000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others. A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1,000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy. AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

16 Things To Do In A Drive-Thru LaneActual Newspaper Headlines (collected by actual journalists) 1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 2. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 3. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case 4. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents 5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? 7. Stud Tires Out 8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands 10. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms 11. Eye Drops off Shelf 12. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim 13. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax 14. Miners Refuse to Work after Death 15. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 16. Stolen Painting Found by Tree 17. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies 18. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter 19. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years 20. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 21. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures 22. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge 23. Deer Kill 17,000 24. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 25. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Thanks Cheryl..... they are VERY good and very funny. It is nice to have a bit of humor again!

The following contains a much deeper truth. Thanks to JSK for sending it. I was going to bed the other night when Mom told me that I had left the light on in the shed, she could see from the bedroom. As I looked for myself, I saw that there were people in the shed taking things. I phoned the police, but they told me that no one was in this area to help at this time, but they would send someone over as soon as they became available. I said OK, hung up, waited one minute, and then phoned the police. "I just called you a minute ago because there were people in the shed taking things. Well, you don't have to hurry now cause I've shot them all." Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed. One of the officers said: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" I replied with, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" Moral: Irritation occasionally works where motivation fails.

Thanks and Hugs to Barbara for this one. Go 'Noles!!! The Modern Toolbox Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself. Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver. Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka. Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install. Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels. Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself. Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway. Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool. Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911. Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house. Chain saw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself. Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.

Thanks to You-know-who-you-are According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen- had to be a girl. We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost!

From B the Immaculate: Ten Rules of Housekeeping 1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh. 2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption. 3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone. 4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?" 5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this. 6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand sewn play animals for underprivileged children. 7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive." 8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..." 9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had the heart to clean it..." 10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspi cuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."

You Must Be A Teacher If... You believe the staff room should have a Valium salt lick. You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free." You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside. You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids are sure mellow today." When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior. Marking all A's on the report card would make your life SO much simpler. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac. You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into home schooling. You've never had your profession slammed by someone who would never dream of doing your job. You can't have children of your own, because there is no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it. Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?" ~~~~~~

Headlnes in the year 2035 (thanks L_McL) *Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon) * Afghanistan still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. *Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. * Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock. * George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. 35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. * Nursing home event... Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with candy striper. * Texas executes last remaining citizen. * Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants. * Baby conceived naturally.....scientists stumped. * Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million. * Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles. *Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches. * Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed. * New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.

Thanks to D&FL) Subject: Advice from kids "Never trust a dog to watch your food." -Patrick, age 10 "When your dad is mad and asks you,"Do I look stupid?' Don't answer." -Hannah, age 9 "Never tell your Mom her diet's not working." -Michael, age 14 "Stay away from prunes." -Randy, age 9 "Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to." -Emily, age 10 "When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair." -Taylia, age 11 "Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment." -Traci, age 14 "A puppy always has bad breath-even after eating a Tic-Tac." - Andrew, age 9 "Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time." - Kyoyo, age 11 "You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." -Amir, age 9 "Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." -Kellie, age 11 "If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." -Naomi, age 15 "Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick." -Lauren, age 9 "Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." -Joel, age 10 "When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone." -Alyesha, age 13 "Never try to baptize a cat." -Eileen, age 8

Thanks DB... It was just a matter of time: Merry Christmas Bin Laden 'Twas the night before Payback and all through the Land, They're running like rabbits in Afghanistan, Osama's been praying, he's down on his Knees, He's hoping that Allah will hear all his Pleas. He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and Shatter, But all that he's done is just make us Madder. We ain't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut, And we'll kick your butt, with one heavy Boot. And yes we remember the USS Cole, And the lives of our sailors that you bastards Stole. You think you can rule us and cause us to Fear, You'll soon get the answer if you live to Hear. And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam, And he ain't forgotten the sound of our Bombs. You think that those mountains are somewhere to Hide. They'll go down in history as the place where you Died. Remember Khadhafi and his Line of Death? He came very close, to his final Breath. So come out and prove it, that you are a Man, Cause our boys are coming and they have a Plan. They are our fathers and they are our Sons, And they sure do carry some mighty big Guns. They would have stayed home with children and Wives, Till you bastards came here and took all those Lives. Osama I wrote this especially for You, For air mail delivery by B-52. You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle, Old Glory is coming, attached to a Missile. I will not be sorry to see your ass Go. It's Red, White, and Blue that is running this Show

Memo for Civilians Dear Civilians, We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation have many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas we would like your assistance with: 1) The next time you see someone (an adult) talking during the playing of the National anthem.....kick their ass. 2) When you witness firsthand someone burning the American Flag in protest...kick their ass. If you see this on television, as many of us have, you are simply required to have a deep burning suddenly arise inside of you....then go and kick their ass. 3) Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all Veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these Veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these Veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while the Veteran kicks their ass. 4) If you are not in the military, DO NOT pretend that you are. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDUs), telling others that you used to be "Special Forces", and collecting GI Joe memorabilia might have been okay if you were still seven, but now it will only get your ass kicked. (Veterans are exempt from this rule) 5) If you witness someone calling an enlisted Marine "Sir," stand back.....a Marine will kick their ass. 6) Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them "Do you fly a jet?" Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. A Marine will be called to kick your ass. (Children are exempt) 7) Roseanne Barr's singing of the National Anthem is not a blooper....it was a disgrace and disrespectful. Laugh and sooner or later, your ass will be kicked. 8) Next time Old Glory prances by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her and the military member or Veteran lucky enough to carry her. Your stupid funnel cake will forgive you if you stand for 5 minutes with your hand over your heart. You might as well be throwing the funnel cake at the flag if you don't stand.....of course, either will earn you a severe ass kicking. 9) What Jane Fonda did about Vietnam makes her the enemy....hate her or else. (Asses will be kicked) 10) Don't try to discuss politics to a military member. We might vote as separate parties, but that doesn't mean we don't all bleed the same. We are, simply put, Americans. Our military Chain of Command, to include our Commander in Chief...the President... (for those who didn't know) is all that we acknowledge. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings where all those "representatives" meet. The military member might direct you to Oliver North. (I can see him kicking your ass already.) 11) "Your mama wears combat boots" never made sense to me....stop saying it! If she did, I'm damn proud of her and she would most likely kick your ass! 12) Bin Laden and the Taliban are not communists. So stop saying, "Let's go kill those Commie's!!!" And stop asking us where he is!!!! Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me...if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers, let me know. So I can kick their ass. 13) Last but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families!! Every Thanksgiving and Christmas that you enjoy with family and friends, there are thousands of troops overseas. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our country would get its ass kicked.

From Lucie.... our mothers told us about this (yeah , sure!) REMEMBER.... When the worst thing you could do at school was smoke in the bathrooms, flunk a test or chew gum. And the banquets were in the cafeteria and we danced to a juke box later, and all the girls wore fluffy pastel gowns and the boys wore suits for the first time and we were allowed to stay out till 12 p.m.... When a '57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise, peel out, lay rubber and watch drag races, and people went steady and girls wore a class ring with an inch of wrapped dental floss or yarn coated with pastel frost nail polish so it would fit her finger. And no one ever asked where the car keys were 'cause they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked. And you got in big trouble if you accidentally locked the doors at home, since no one ever had a key. Remember lying on your back on the grass with your friends and saying things like "That cloud looks like a..." And playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game. Back then, baseball was not a psychological group learning experience, it was a game. Remember when stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals 'cause no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger. And...with all our progress...don't you just wish...just once...you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace...and share it with the children of the 80's and 90's ...... So send this on to someone who can still remember Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, Laurel & Hardy, Howdy Doody and The Peanut Gallery, The Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Belle, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk as well as the sound of a real mower on Saturday morning, and summers filled with bike rides, playing in cowboy land, baseball games, bowling and visits to the pool...and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar. When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home. Basically, we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive by shootings,drugs, gangs,etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we all survived because their love was greater than the threat. Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that! And was it really that long ago?

From the inestimable Poubelle - again! *Hugs* ************************************* Bubba and Cooter go to College ************************************* Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic. "What's logic?" asked Bubba. The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-eater?" "I sure do." answered the redneck. "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good," the redneck responded in awe. The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house." Impressed, the redneck shouted, "GAWL-LEEE!!" "And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself, logic dictates that you have a wife." "Sally Mae! This is incredible!" (Bubba is ob! viously catching on.) "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual rather than homosexual" said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I can't wait to take this here logic class." Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting. "So what classes ya takin?" Cooter asks. "Math, history, and logic," replies Bubba. "What in tarnation is logic?" "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?" "No." "You're a queer, ain't cha."

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be a female. We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

From a very wise and wonderful woman close to my heart: Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally. Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble. We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose. We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all! We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem. Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare. Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help! Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain. I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too!

************************************ Politically Correct Office Party ************************************ MEMO: December 1st TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director ------------------------------------------------------------------------ MEMO: December 2nd TO: ALL EMPLOYEES In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director ---------------------------------------------------------------------- MEMO: December 3rd TO: ALL EMPLOYEES Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-- no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money. Patty Lewis, Human Researchers Director ---------------------------------------------------------------------- MEMO: December 7th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now? Patty Lewis, Human Racehorses Director ---------------------------------------------------------------------- MEMO: December 9th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." Patty Lewis, Human Ratraces ---------------------------------------------------------------------- MEMO: December 10th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me? The Bitch from Hell ---------------------------------------------------------------------- MEMO: December 14th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

This is good enough to put in Geo, but knowing the source as I do, I'll put it here. Thanks, Sweetie! *************** Good Advice *************** 1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas. 2. Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on stage singing, some are in the audience as critics and some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are. 3. Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying "Why,thank you"... (helps if you say it with a Southern accent). 4. When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste. 5. Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiters and doesn't like dogs/cats. 6. Good sex should involve laughter. Because think about it, it is funny. 7. You need only two tools. WD-40 & duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape. 8. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right." 9. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 10. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm. 11. The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave me was, "Go! You might meet somebody!" 12. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her-believe it. 13. I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, will this matter one year from now? One month? One week? One day?' 14. Never pass up an opportunity to pee. 15. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance! 16. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you. 17. Knowing how to listen to music is as great a talent as knowing how to make it. 18. Work is good but it's not that important. 19. Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man. 20. And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Poubelle strikes again. This is from him: *************************************** Things you'd like to say if you dared *************************************** I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. How about never? Is never good for you? I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again... I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don't give a darn. Visualizing? I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you being competent. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

For Wolfie if she is home-sick. With thanks to Poubelle Cajun Night Before Christmas 'Twas the night before Christmas, an' all t'ru de house, Dey don't a t'ing pass, not even a mouse. De chirren been nezzle good snug on de flo', An' Mama pass de pepper t'ru de crack on de do'. Den Mama in de fireplace done roas' us de ham, Stir up de gumbo, an' make de baked yam Den out on de bayou dey got such a clatter... Make soun' like old Boudreaux done fall off his ladder. I run like a rabbit to got to de do'... Trip over de dawg an' fall on de flo'! As I look out de do' in de light o' de moon, I t'ink, "Manh, you crazy, or got ole too soon." Cuz dere on de bayou when I stretch ma' neck stiff... Dere's eight alligator a-pullin' de skiff... An' a little fat drover wit' a lone polein' stick... I know r'at away got to be ole St. Nick... Mo' fas'er an' fas'er de 'gator dey came. He whistle an' holler an' call dem by name: "Ha, Gaston! Ha, Tiboy! Ha, Pierre an' Alcee! Gee, Ninette! Gee, Suzette! Celeste an' Renee!" To de top o' de porch dem ole 'gator clime! Wit' de skiff full o' toy an' St. Nicklus behin'. Den on top de porch roof it soun' like de hail When all dem big 'gator done sot down dey tail!---- Den down de chimney he fell wit' a bam... An' St. Nicklus fall an' sit on de yam! "SACRE!" he axclaim "Ma pant got a hole. I done sot mase'f on dem red hot coal!" He got on his foots an' jump like a cat... Out to de flo' where he lan' wit' a SPLAT! He was dress in musk-rat from his head to his foot An' his clothes is all dirty wit' ashes an' soot. A sack full o' playt'ing he t'row on his back. He look like a burglar, an' dass fo' a fack! His eyes how dey shine...his dimple, how merry! Maybe he been drink de wine from blackberry! His cheek was like rose...his nose like a cherry... On secon' tought maybe he lap up de sherry! --- Wit' snow-white chin whisker an' quiverin' belly, He shook when he laugh like de stromberry jelly! But a wink in his eye...an' a shook o' his head... Make my confidance dat I soon got to be scared. He don' do no talkin'...gone straight to his work... Put playt'ing in sock an' den turn wit' a jerk! He put bot' his han' dere on top o' his head, He cas' an eye on de chimney an' den he done said: "Wit' all o' dat fire an' dem burnin' hot flame... Me I ain' goin' back by de way dat I came." So he run out de do' an' he clime to de roof... He ain' no fool, him for to make one more goof. He jump in his skiff an' crack his big whip. De 'gator move down an' don' make one slip. An' I hear him shout loud as a splashin' he go: "Marry C'rismas to all...till I saw you some mo'!"

Recently The Washington Post printed an article explaining how the appliance manufacturers plan to drive consumers insane. Of course they don't SAY they want to drive us insane. What they SAY they want to do is have us live in homes where "all appliances are on the Internet, sharing information" and appliances will be "smarter than most of their owners." For example, the article states, you would have a home where the dishwasher "can be turned on from the office" and the refrigerator "knows when it's out of milk" and the bathroom scale "transmits your weight to the gym." I frankly wonder whether the appliance manufacturers, with all due respect, have been smoking something. I mean, did they ever stop to ask themselves WHY a consumer, after loading a dishwasher, would go to the office to start it? Would there be some kind of career benefit? YOUR BOSS: What are you doing? YOU (tapping computer keyboard): I'm starting my dishwasher! YOUR BOSS: That's the kind of productivity we need around here! YOU: Now I'm flushing the upstairs toilet! Listen, appliance manufacturers: We don't NEED a dishwasher that we can communicate with from afar. If you want to improve our dishwashers, give us one that senses when people leave dirty dishes on the kitchen counter, and shouts at them: "PUT THOSE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER RIGHT NOW OR I'LL LEAK ALL OVER YOUR SHOES!" Likewise, we don't need a refrigerator that knows when it's out of milk. We already have a foolproof system for determining if we're out of milk: We ask our wife. What we could use is a refrigerator that refuses to let us open its door when it senses that we are about to consume our fourth Jell-O Pudding Snack in two hours. As for a scale that transmits our weight to the gym: Are they NUTS? We don't want our weight transmitted to our own EYEBALLS! What if the gym decided to transmit our weight to all these other appliances on the Internet? What if, God forbid, our refrigerator found out what our weight was? We'd never get the door open again! But here is what really concerns me about these new "smart" appliances: Even if we like the features, we won't be able to use them. We can't use the appliance features we have NOW. I have a feature-packed telephone with 43 buttons, at least 20 of which I am afraid to touch. This phone probably can communicate with the dead, but I don't know how to operate it, just as I don't know how to operate my TV, which has features out the wazooty and requires THREE remote controls. One control (44 buttons) came with the TV; a second (39 buttons) came with the VCR; the third (37 buttons) was brought here by the cable-TV man, who apparently felt that I did not have enough buttons. So when I want to watch TV, I'm confronted with a total of 120 buttons, identified by such helpful labels as PIP, MTS, DBS, F2, JUMP and BLANK. There are three buttons labeled POWER, but there are times -- especially if my son and his friends, who are not afraid of features, have changed the settings -- when I honestly cannot figure out how to turn the TV on. I stand there, holding three remote controls, pressing buttons at random, until eventually I give up and go turn on the dishwasher. It has been, literally, years since I have successfully recorded a TV show. That is how "smart" my appliances have become. And now the appliance manufacturers want to give us even MORE features. Do you know what this means? It means that some night you'll open the door of your "smart" refrigerator, looking for a beer, and you'll hear a pleasant, cheerful voice -- recorded by the same woman who informs you that Your Call Is Important when you call a business that does not wish to speak with you personally -- telling you: "Your celery is limp." You will not know how your refrigerator knows this, and, what is worse, you will not know who else your refrigerator is telling about it ("Hey Bob! I hear your celery is limp!"). And if you want to try to make the refrigerator STOP, you'll have to decipher Owner's Manual instructions written by and for nuclear physicists ("To disable the Produce Crispness Monitoring feature, enter the Command Mode, then select the Edit function, then select Change Vegetable Defaults, then assume that Train A leaves Chicago traveling westbound at 47 miles per hour, while Train B..."). Is this the kind of future you want, consumers? Do you want appliances that are smarter than you? Of course not. Your appliances should be DUMBER than you, just like your furniture, your pets and your representatives in Congress. So I am urging you to let the appliance industry know, by phone, letter, fax and e-mail, that when it comes to "smart" appliances, you vote NO. You need to act quickly. Because while you're reading this, your microwave oven is voting YES.

Thanks to Ian for the following: Only available on Sky Digitaliban......TALIBAN 6.00 G-Had TV. Morning prayers. 8.30 Talitubbies. Talitubbies say "Ah-ah". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher. 9.00 Shouts of Praise. More prayers. 11.00 Jihad's Army. The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels. 12.00 Ready, Steady, Jihad! Celebrities make lethal devices out of every day objects. 12.30 Panaramadan. The programme reports on America's attempts to take over the world. 13.30 Xena: Modestly dressed Housewife. Xena stays at home and does some cooking. 14.00 Only Fools and camels. Dhal-boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers to Hamas. 14.20 Green Peter. The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk top bottle appeal is revealed. 15.30 I Love 629 (the year according to the Koran). A look back at the events of the year, Including the prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols. 16.00 Question Time. Members of the public face questions from political and religious leaders. 17.00 Koranation Street. Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery. 17.30 Middle-East Enders. The entire cast is jailed for unislamic behavior. 18.00 Holiday. The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again. 18.30 Top of the Prophets. Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week running? 19.00 Who wants to be a Mujahadin? Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions. Will contestants phone a mullah, go 'insallah', or ask the Islamic council. 20.00 Film: Shariah's Angels. The three burka-clad sleuths go undercover to expose an evil scheme to educate women. 21.30 Big Brother. Who will be taken out of the house and executed this week? 22.30 Shahs in their Eyes. More hopefuls imitate evil destroyers of the infidel. 23.30 They think it's all Allah over. Quiz culminating in the 'don't feel the Mullah' round. 00.00 When Imams attack. Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The filmers were also secretly shot. 12.30a.m. The West Bank Show. Arts programme looking at anti-Israel graffiti art in the occupied territories. 1.30 Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer. 2.00 The Gaza strip. The adult hour where couples discuss their favorite strategic positions. 3.00 A book at bedtime. The Koran . Again.

*I think Santa Claus is a woman* I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th-hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost in the snow and clouds, and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle. Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: - Men can't pack a bag. - Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. - Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves. - Men don't answer their mail. - Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly." - Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

************** One Texan ************** (With thanks to Poubelle) A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Texas soldier is better than ten taliban". The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls out "One Texan is better than one hundred taliban" Furious, the taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The Texan voice calls out again "One Texan is better than one thousand taliban". The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men; its a trap. There's actually two of them."

From *Doc* with thanks. DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. "I love snow"! December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea "I ever had". Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life! December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a "White Christmas". No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor. December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to *20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so. December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all. December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my but on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like the dickens. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel. December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. Gosh I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the white stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Freaking' snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying. December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to go to the bathroom. By the time I got undressed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think that he is lying and playing games; and I am it. December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying again. December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the jerk who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his feet. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for that jerk with that lousy snowplow. December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%^& slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. Gosh I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her. December 26: Still snowed in. Why on earth did I ever move here? It was all "HER" idea. She's really getting on my nerves. December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the water pipes all froze solid and then all broke apart What a mess that is now and no water now at all. December 28: Warmed up to above-50. Still snowed in. and SHE is driving me crazy!!! December 29: Ten more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave-in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am? December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. Nine inches more snow has been predicted for tomorrow. December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling to do. I moved into the YMCA awaiting my insurance adjuster to pay off my claim. Then heading to Tahiti for the rest of my life. I'll live on fresh caught fish, bananas and coconuts. Happy New Years from now on.

From Poubelle with thanks. He does tell a good story! A new two year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming a Husband That's right! In just six trimesters, you too can be a great husband as well as earn an MA degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline. FIRST YEAR Fall Schedule: MEN 101 Combating Stupidity MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104 Women Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas Winter Schedule: MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4 am MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook I EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers Spring Schedule: MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Butt face When You're Wrong MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers ECON 001B What Was Yours is Hers SECOND YEAR Fall Schedule: SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down Elective (See Electives Below) Winter Schedule: MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important part Sring Schedule: MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/FailOnly) MEN 221 Fanning the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important part II Course Electives: EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly MEN 231 Mothers-in-law MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear" ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her

What's the degree called that they give you for passing all these courses?

MA for Male Arts. Bet your MA stood for something else. Mine did! ***************************** How'd you break your arm? ***************************** With thanks to JK from whom some pretty good stuff flows! The Story: Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, the 'tell me when we're having fun' kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the urgency did not go away. If you've had nature hit the panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the lady weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods and no one would even notice. "The white will provide more than adequate camouflage," he assured her. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning the lady found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them and into another slope. Her reverse side was still bare, her ski pants around her knees and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued backwards, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The lady skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put and end to her nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol to transport her to a hospital. While she was in the emergency room, a man with a leg obviously broken was put in the bed next to hers. "So, how'd you break your leg? she asked making small talk. "It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he replied. "I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backwards down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes, and her pants down around he knees. I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift," he explained. "So, how'd you break your arm???

*LAUGH*

(I thought that one was so funny, I had to take time out away from my monitor until I could breath again. The picture is invokes...!) Redneck Medical Terms Artery......................The study of paintings. Benign......................What you be after you be eight. Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria. Barium......................What doctors do when patients die. Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome. Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty. Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her. Colic.......................A sheep dog. Coma........................A punctuation mark. D&C.........................Where Washington is. Dilate......................To live long. Enema.......................Not a friend. Fester......................Quicker than someone else. Fibula......................A small lie. Genital.....................Non-Jewish person. G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball. Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on. Impotent....................Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane. Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid. Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates. Node........................I knew it. Outpatient..................A person who has fainted. Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test. Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis. Post Operative..............A letter carrier. Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery. Rectum......................Darn near killed him. Secretion...................Hiding something Seizure.....................Roman emperor. Tablet......................A small table. Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport. Tumor.......................More than one. Urine.......................Opposite of you're out Varicose....................Near by

oh, i've seen this one make the rounds via email and it's still funny!

yup! Some of the best ones are the oldest ones.

Only some of these are factual but all are great. Thanks Pou! Interesting........................................... Did you know ......... It is impossible to lick your elbow. A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out. A shrimp's heart is in their head. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a mili-second. In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand (or attempted to do so - apart from Bones ). It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call. Rats and horses can't vomit. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die, if you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times. If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles? In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks. In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders. Most lipstick contains fish scales. Cat's urine glows under a black-light. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different. Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

(oooo, i'm a statistic, i tried to lick my elbow, you'd think it'd be easy since i'm part canine!)

you have that long flexible tongue - should be easy for you - and totaly natural. I can't wait to see you do this little maneuver. I'm booking my flight to CA now!

*laugh*

I just looked at the comment I made on post 843 and even I was shocked! I had no idea what I meant by that but prayed I did not need to delete it!

Bumper Stickers for Women SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE. I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPLE. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY? DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES. And my favorite ......... IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

From Don with thanks: True Southerners Know... Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption. Nobody but a true Southerner knows how many fish make up a mess. A true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of cattywumpus. A true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is as in "Going to town, be back directly." Even true Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table. All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. True Southerners know instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold tater salad. (If the trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add some hot biscuits and nanner puddin.') True Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "pert' near" and "a right far piece." True Southerners both know and understand the differences between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' White trash. No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn. True Southerners know that "fixin" can be used as a noun, verb and adverb.

From Pou the amazing, FOUR MEN WENT GOLFING ONE DAY. THREE OF THEM HEADED TO THE FIRST TEE AND THE FOURTH WENT INTO THE CLUB-HOUSE TO TAKE CARE OF THE BILL. THE THREE MEN STARTED TALKING AND BRAGGING ABOUT THEIR SONS. THE FIRST MAN TOLD THE OTHERS, "MY SON IS A HOME BUILDER, AND HE IS SO SUCCESSFUL THAT HE GAVE A FRIEND A HOME FOR FREE." THE SECOND MAN SAID, "MY SON WAS A CAR SALESMAN, AND NOW HE OWNS A MULTILINE DEALERSHIP. HE'S SO SUCCESSFUL THAT HE THAT HE GAVE A FRIEND A NEW MERCEDES, FULLY LOADED." THE THIRD MAN, NOT WANTING TO BE OUTDONE, BRAGGED "MY SON IS A STOCKBROKER, AND HE'S DOING SO WELL THAT HE GAVE HIS FRIEND AN ENTIRE PORTFOLIO." THE FORTH MAN JOINED THEM ON THE TEE AFTER A FEW MINUTES OF TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS. THE FIRST MAN MENTIONED THAT THEY WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT THEIR SONS AND ASKED THE FOURTH MAN HOW HIS SON WAS DOING. THE FOURTH MAN REPLIED, "WELL, MY SON IS GAY AND A GO-GO DANCER IN A GAY BAR." THE OTHER THREE MEN GREW SILENT AS HE CONTINUED, "I'M NOT TOTALLY THRILLED ABOUT THE DANCING JOB. BUT HE MUST BE DOING WELL. HIS LAST THREE BOYFRIENDS GAVE HIM A HOUSE, A BRAND NEW MERCEDES, AND A STOCK PORTFOLIO."

*laugh*

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies. I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English. I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents. I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer. I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution. I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened. I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality. I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason. I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized. I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions. I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July. My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it. I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter? I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already. I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are. I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years. I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again. I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food. I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. I think Dr. Seuss was a genius. I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise. If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American. If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you know. We need our country back!

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me,"would you please tie my shoe?" While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances used by the elderly, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a set of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!" A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning." A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!" A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

Special 13-week Men's Course *** NOTE : Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants. Topic 1 : How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays Step by step with slide presentation Topic 2 : The Toilet Paper Roll : Do they grow on the holders? Round Table discussion Topic 3 : Is it possible to urinate using the technique of lifting the seat up and avoiding the floor/walls and nearby bathtub? Group practice Topic 4 : Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor Pictures and Explanatory graphics Topic 5 : The after dinner dishes and silverware : Can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on Video Topic 6 : Loss of Identity : Losing the remote to your significant other. Online Support and Support Groups Topic 7 : Learning How to Find Things, Starting with Looking in the Right Place instead of Turning the House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum Topic 8 : HealthWatch : Bringing Her Flowers is Not Harmful to Your Health Graphics and Audio Tape Topic 9 : Real Men Ask for Directions When Lost Real Life Testimonials. Topic 10 : Men as copilots : Is It Genetically Impossible to Control Our Impulse to Back-seat Drive ? Driving Simulation including the most difficult -- Sitting Quietly as She Parallel Parks Topic 11 : Learning to Live : Basic Differences between Mother and Wife Online Class and Role Playing Topic 12 : How to Be the ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques Topic 13 : How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy : Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries, Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going to Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy sessions and Full Lobotomies offered. *** Upon completion of the Course diplomas will be issued to the Survivors

*giggling*

From my twin - I love it!!! Subject: Government Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator, Mr. Alan Pinkerton. He was actually the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time federal police authority has grown to a large number of agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, SS, ATF, etc. Now Congress is considering a proposal for another agency:The "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service." Can't you see it now, the new service in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs? "FATASS"

From JK who really was once a blond - but a guy blond... Attention all blondes SEND THIS WARNING TO EVERYONE ON YOUR EMAIL LIST. IF A MAN COMES TO YOUR FRONT DOOR AND SAYS HE IS CONDUCTING A SURVEY AND ASKS YOU TO SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS. THIS IS A SCAM, HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOUR BOOBS. I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

Cats and Dogs What is a Cat? 1. Cats do what they want. 2. They rarely listen to you. 3. They're totally unpredictable. 4. When you want to play, they want to be alone. 5. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 6. They expect you to cater to their every whim. 7. They're moody. 8. They leave hair everywhere. Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats. What is a Dog? 1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. 2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room. 3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. 4. They growl when they are not happy. 5. When you want to play, they want to play. 6. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7. They leave their toys everywhere. 8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. 9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you. Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

From Don with thanks and *Hugs* An Atheist In Nature An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God, save me" Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out and the sounds of the forest resumed. Then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, and bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful."

Computer illiterate Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are technologically challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin' yet." This is an excerpt from a "Wall Street Journal" article. 1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. 2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. 3. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door. 4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key. 5. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually. 6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer" The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer. 7. An exasperated caller to Dell Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse. 8. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine." 9. Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a "P". Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech: "P" on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!!!"

Different OATHS OF ENLISTMENT for each branch of service US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT "I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!" Signature ____ _______________ Date _____________ US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT "I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a Court-Martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual.....er.....I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!" Signature _____________________ Date_________________ US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT "I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer, and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, gee dunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completel different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon,and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!" Signature _______________________Date_______________ US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT "I, (make up a name the police won't recognize), swear..uhhhh.... high-and-tight.... grunt...cammies....kill....fix bayonnets and ....charge....slash....dig....burn....blowup....ugh...Air Force women....beer.....sailors wives.....air strikes....yes SIR!.... whiskey....liberty call....salute....Ooorah Gunny.... grenades...women....OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!" X____________________ Thumb Print XX _________________________________Teeth Marks

Three Sons Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, " I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it." Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote the first son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Marvin," she wrote to the second, "I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious!"

There are the only ten times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use...they are as follows: 10. "What the @#$% was that?" -Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" -Custer, 1877 8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -Einstein, 1938 7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -Picasso, 1926 6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" -Pythagoras, 126 BC 5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" -Michelangelo, 1566 4. "Where the @#$% are we?" -Amelia Earhart, 1937 3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers....My ass!" -Noah, 4314 BC 2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -Bill Clinton, 1999 And . . . drum roll . . . . . 1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad." Osama Bin Laden, November 2001 Author Unknown Source of the above is anonymous but related to me =)

************** State Mottos ************** Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It - Yet ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Rightwing Crazies, And Very Little Else ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nevada: Hookers and Poker! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney ... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tennessee: The Educashun State ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Vermont: Yep ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wyoming: Where Men Are Men . . . and the sheep are scared!

For Ladies Only 1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? - You shut the door. 3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there. 4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone. 5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway. 6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart. 7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity! to make some woman miserable. 8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it. 10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. 12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions. 13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks. 14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his. 15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

*Applause*

*standing ovation* *LAUGH*

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it. *falling over laughing*

I can see you incorporating that into your next Lizzie and Darcy story, EsBee. I really enjoyed that, myself.

Thanks and hugs to Ami for the following: HEALTH BULLETIN A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine, and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

that's what i'm talking about!

I suggested he resume his German for the sake of self preservation.

I can see you incorporating that into your next Lizzie and Darcy story, EsBee. hmm.... actually this is a V.V. good idea.... ;-) love the 'health tip' above....

I did too... ergo the suggestion he resume German, though it is not known how healthy or not that might be!

Hi all I must tell you the mottos of the provinces of New Zealand. Northland: Auckland: Nothing south of the Bombay hills or north of Waitemata Harbour. Waikato: Mooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!! Taranaki: The mountain IS the province. Manawatu: Cheesy (interpret it how you like) Wellington: We haven't been blown away yet... Wairarapa: Shaky province... Hawkes Bay: Art Deco land. East Cape/Gisborne: Bay of Plenty/volcanic Plateau: mmmm.... Sulphur. Nelson: Sunshine province. Marlborough: Good w(h)ine. West Coast: That province deserves a Monteiths! Canterbury: The folk at Jade Stadium have two eyes, not one. Otago: GOLD!!! Southland: Speights - pride of the south for over a hundred years. Rob

Umm with all due respect to East Cape/Gisborne, and Northland at the time of posting, I had not worked out motto's for them. Rob

They would probably be hysterical if I weren't so ignorant about New Zealand's geography and culture, Rob!

There is a topic for NZed in both travel and in Geo. But, you know us, we talk about whatever, wherever without the slightest remorse for wandering off topic!

Happily for us, Any topic is off-topic here!!! *removing my shoes and wiggling my toes in the sand*

LOL - that's right. This is the place for free thought assoication. We leap from topic to topic freely, often with no apparent rhym or reason. :-) *attempting to tap dance* ....*falling on my nose & wishing i was in the sand wiggling my toes with Marcia*

lovely day here - bring your sun block. It is almost painfully bright outside today. My flowers are ecstatic, and I seem to have has someone bring a few fleas into the house. No matter how much I try, the mangy guy and his dog keep following me into the house!

Hi all I hear so much about American nationalism and the strong sense of patriotism, but when I look at my homeland, I see a people almost reserved in it's displays of patriotism. Though perhaps provincialism is alive and kicking, especially in my home province of Canterbury (P.S thanks to Vangelis for writing Conquest of Paradise - every time the Crusaders play at Jade Stadium, the stadium reverberates to the roar of 30,000 people, some wicked music and the rush of 6 horsemen dressed as Crusaders galloping around the edge of the field whipping up a storm). Every time we win the Super 12 Rugby, there is a parade down Colombo Street for the Crusaders and the schools usually let their kids out to have a look. The America's Cup has an unofficial home in New Zealand where it has resided since 1995. Sir Peter Blake might be dead and the tactician, plus the skipper might have jumped overboard, but we have assembled another good team and there is no guarantee the cup will be going anywhere in a rush (up for grabs - at a price starting this October). But New Zealand pride is based on far more than just sport. It is based on a free nation and her citizens having a right to freedom of speech, freedom from fear, a right to peaceful protest among other things. We fought in two world wars with an appalling cost to a nation of only 1.2 million in 1914 and 1.6 million in 1939. 10000 Kiwi's died in the blood bath at Gallipoli which was masterminded by Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill. We also fought in Passchendaele and the Somme, again with massive loss of life. In World War 2 the New Zealanders again lined up alongside our faithful friends and good mates, the Australians. Joining us were British and Canadians, Indians, Fijians, South Africans, Irish, Welsh, and Scots. THE COMMONWEALTH FIGHTS TOGETHER. New Zealand fought the brilliant Deutsche Afrika Korps in the desert and the fact that World War 2 did not last even longer than the 6 tortuous years it did, is in part because Hitler failed to give the Afrika Korps 3 divisions when they would have used them to overrun Egypt. On Thursday April 25, New Zealand and Australia mark ANZAC DAY. ANZAC Day is Australia and New Zealand Army Corp Day which is for New Zealanders and Australians to give thanks to the returned servicemen and those who lie in graves across Europe, North Africa and in the Pacific. Rob

What a great summary of your country's patriotism! I remember writing a paper on the ANZUS treaty in college and that was the first time I really learned anything about Oceania (until today). Happy ANZAC Day, Rob! (also my daughter's birthday)

That was Beautiful, Rob. It belongs in a far better forum than Screwed. Americans can get all teary-eyed patriotic when the occasion calls for it, but mostly it is latent waiting for the appropriate time. We wax absolutley sappy over our college teams, though. Ask me! Thanks for reminding me of ANZAC day. I'll post in the appropriate place!

Happy Birthday to your daughter, Autumn! I'll bet they are both getting tall and beautiful just like their mother!

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. 2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant a lot like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? 3. OK....so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags", and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans? 4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea....does that mean than one enjoys it? 5. The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 326 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean God doesn't love heterosexuals-He just thinks they need more supervision. 6. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. 7. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? 8. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack? 9. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 10 . Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. 11. When someone asks you, "a penny for your thoughts", and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? 12. Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker? 13. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say? 14. Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one? 15. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted and musicians denoted? 16. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? 17. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? 18. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? 19. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail? 20. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? 21. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. 22. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? (Thanks HFL)

Subject: How It All Began In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the newriches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum.maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' 2 drumheads and drumsticks. Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known as "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham. And that is how it all began.

*laugh*

*G R O A N* with great appreciation! The discovery of heaviest element yet known to science A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named "Administratium." Administratium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 5 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization, in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." You will know it when you see it. With thanks to my hero, Ami.

Tis how I feel today Maggie Now I lay me Down to sleep. I pray the Lord My shape to keep. Please no wrinkles Please no bags Please lift my butt Before it sags. Please no age spots Please no gray As for my belly, Take it away. Please keep me healthy Please keep me young, And thank you Dear Lord For all that you've done. Foot Note: One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: "If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

*HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!*

*Picking myself up off the floor* Beatuiful. Maggie! You're ready for the 5 word continuing story elsewhere one Screwed!

*snicker* -so that's my problem, i've been saying the wrong prayer every night.... :-D

I've been praying for anti-gravity. You can tell how successful I was - or not!

Hi all Lol. I imagine most men would be praying that the chest of their woma(e)n are able to defy the law of gravity and form nicely. Rob

If you believe the cartoons in Playboy, all women are 36DD and stick straight out into cute little points. Oh Rob, I hate to break this news to you. What doesn't work for you also does not work for us! *;)

Most of the country has heard of the Darwin Awards given annually to the individuals who do the most for mankind by removing themselves from the gene pool. Now, we have the Stella Awards given to the individuals who win the most frivolous lawsuits ever. The Stella Awards are named in honor of 81 year-old Stella Liebeck, the woman who won $2.9 million for spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself. The following are candidates for the award: 1.) January, 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle, tripping over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering that the misbehaving little fellow was Ms. Robertson's son. 2.) June, 1998: 19 year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps. 3.) October, 1998: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pa., was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found in the garage and a large bag of dry dog food. Mr. Dickson sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of a half million dollars. 4.) October, 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The dog was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard at the time. Mr. Williams was also in the fenced-in yard. The award was less than sought, because the jury felt the dog might have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was repeatedly shooting it with a pellet gun. 5.) December, 1997: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pa., $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. 6.) December, 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, DE, successfully sued the owner of a night club when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses. And now, a recent addition. 7.) January, 2002: Police in Vermont stopped a man. After running his name, it came back that there were warrants for his arrest from Florida. Before the police could arrest him, he fled into a nearby forest (in the middle of winter). The police searched for him, but were unable to find him. Three days later, the suspect turns himself in to police and was taken to the hospital with frostbite. He ended up having several fingers and toes amputated. He is now suing the police. Why? The police didn't look for him hard enough! He stated in an interview, 'If they had searched harder, they would've found me'. He's accusing the police of dereliction of duty leading to his loss of limbs. Go figure. DO WE HAVE A PROBLEM WITH OUR JUDICIAL SYSTEM, OR WHAT???

the problem is with the jurists who are presented the facts and decide in the favor of the stupid.

Sooner or later the fee to insure against such stupidity will make it out of reach for everyone EXCEPT for the lawyers.

Hi all Well Marcia, I was not actually praying that the breasts of any woman I go with are able to defy the law of gravity. Doubtlessly some will though I favour natures course to silicon valley. Rob

rob's a "real" man!! *WOOHOO*

*giggle*