By the way, my source of the Technologically Challenged got his copy from an employee of Samsung...

Every time a new pope is elected, there are a lot of rituals and ceremonies that have to be gone through, in accordance with tradition. Well, there's one tradition that very few people know about. Shortly after the new pope is enthroned, the chief rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the pope's presence, whereupon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope. The pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The chief rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next pope is elected. John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the chief rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the chief rabbi turned to leave, he called him back. "My brother," the pope whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?" The chief rabbi shrugs and replies: "But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history." The pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret." The chief rabbi agreed. Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the chief rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both gasped with shock. It was the check for the last supper.

For my Birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of private lessons at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape,I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Tony,who identified himself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress: Monday: Started my day at 6:00 AM. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Tony waiting for me. He is something of a God with blonde hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. (WOO HOO!!!) Tony gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to all those ripplingmuscles.(I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his weight training class after my own workout today. Very inspiring.) Tony was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Tony made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air...then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Tony's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!!! It's a whole new life for me. Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Geo in the club lot. Tony was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. (His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning, and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.) My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Tony put me on the stair master. (Why in HELL would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?) Tony told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too. Thursday: Tony was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. (I couldn't help being a half hour late. It took that long for me to tie my fricking shoes.) Tony took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the Ladies' room. He sent Barbie to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine which I sank. Friday: I hate that SUCKER Tony more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. (Stupid, skinny,puffed-up peacock.) If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Tony wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me fricking barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you ttended and graduated magna cum laude from, you Nazi Punk.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and P.E. teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? Saturday: Tony left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength even to use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the weather channel. Sunday: I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the prick) will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a mammogram.

NEW TV SHOW Hey, did you hear about the new Texas version of the TV show,"Survivor?" You have to drive from San Antonio to Dallas with a bumper sticker that says: "I'm a queer...and I'm here to take your guns away from you."

This is current affairs to me now. I suddenly have a missing man and suddenly I am much smarter than I was last week Thrusday. Talk about weekends from Hell. I've had mine and not gonna do THAT again. Anyione care to be friends with this hurting person?? I am nice, gently, compassionate and honest... BEDTIME PRAYER Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong. He's not afraid to admit when he is wrong. One who thinks before he speaks. When he promises to call, he doesn't wait 6 weeks. I pray that he is gainfully employed, won't lose his cool when he's annoyed. Pulls out my chair & opens my door, massages my back & begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind. Knows just what to say when I ask "How fat is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And would never compare me with my best girlfriend. Thank You in advance and now I'll just wait, for I know You will send him before it's too late. Amen

MEMO FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: Everyone RE: Christmas Party DATE: December 1 I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 2 RE: Christmas Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now? FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 3 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 7 RE: Holiday Party What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything? FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 8 RE: Holiday Party So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay??? FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director Date: December 9 RE: Holiday Party People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up? FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 10 RE: Holiday Party Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your damn salad bar, including hydroponics tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now! FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: December 14 RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Thank you for your time,

- Handy Latin Phrases - Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat. It's not the heat, it's the humidity. Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit! God, look at the time! My wife will kill me! Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre? Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me? Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est. The designated hitter rule has got to go. Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare. I think some people in togas are plotting against me. Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris. If Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar. Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari? How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? (At a barbeque) Animadvertistine, ubicumque stes, fumum recta in faciem ferri? Ever noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right into your face? Neutiquam erro. I am not lost. Hocine bibo aut in eum digitos insero? Do I drink this or stick my fingers in it? Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur. Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out.

TRUISMS All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat, though. If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down. Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either. I don't have a license to kill but I do have a learner's permit. He who dies with the most toys is still dead. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes. "Time is fun when you're having flies." Kermit the Frog Red meat is not bad for you, but fuzzy green meat is. Toilet stolen from police station. Cops have nothing to go on. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem. A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party. When blondes have more fun, do they know it? Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no. The statement below is true. The statement above is false. If you think there is good in everybody, then you obviously haven't met everybody. Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career. Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks. Remember: First you pillage, THEN you burn. To err is human. To forgive is against company policy. Corduroy pillows are making headlines. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs. Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake. Half the people in the world are below average. Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Strip mining prevents forest fires. A picture may be worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times more memory! If a thing is worth doing, wouldn't it have been done already? If we weren't meant to eat animals, why are they made of meat? Ham and eggs: Just a day's work for a chicken, but a lifetime commitment for a pig.

Things to do in Office Meetings Subject: Things to do in Office Meetings Importance: High 1. Take notes in finger paint. 2. At sensitive moments, blow your nose raucously. Apologize for your sinus condition. 3. Laugh uproariously at a quip that was made 2 or 3 minutes ago. Say, "Oh, now I get it!" 4. Wear a disposable paper face mask. Tell the group: "Hey, you don't want to catch what I've got!" 5. Check your watch very regularly, every 30 seconds or so. 6. Make a face like somebody beside you farted. 7. Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the real reason this meeting has been called. 8. Slowly slump in your seat. When you are about to fall off the chair, suddenly straighten up. Apologize profusely. 9. Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table. 10. Bring a noisy electric pencil sharpener. Sharpen your pencil every few minutes. 11. Complain loudly that your neighbor won't stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it. 12. Have someone deliver a large cardboard box to you in the conference room. Apologize while you sign for it. About half an hour later, have a different person deliver another one. 13. Remove your shoes and socks. Lay your socks on the table, turn each one inside out, and inspect them carefully. If anyone says anything, tell them "doctor's orders." 14. Roll your eyes at almost everything the boss says. If addressed directly, adopt a cowering posture and stammer pitifully as you reply. Ask that he or she "not hurt you anymore." 15. During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm. 16. Bring a huge jar of Vaseline to the meeting. Display it prominently. 17. Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming. 18. Every so often, duck under the table. Stare in horror. Pop back up and look real scared. 19.Rubberneck at the notes of the person next to you. Copy them word for word. Subvocalize as you do. Tell them that they "understand these things better than you do." 20. Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points. 21. Take your temperature every so often with a candy thermometer. 22. Distribute free condoms before or after the meeting. 23. Make all the stereotyped facial expressions to indicate that you are a psychiatrist administering psychoanalysis to the speaker. Take notes furiously. 24. Bring a pitcher of non-alcoholic beer to the meeting. As the meeting progresses, start slurring your speech. Belch loudly. Tell your co-workers you can't help it. Start crying. 25. Have a timer that buzzes at intervals. When it goes off, take a pill from a pill case and gulp it down. If anyone asks, tell them it's to "prevent the seizures." 26. Lapse into a staring coma. Drool. Have a confederate wipe the spit from your lips, and say "It's pitiful. But what can you do?" 27. At opportune times, stick an inhaler in your ear. Inhale deeply. 28. Ask your neighbor, nearer the speaker, to trade places with you "so you can hear better." Gradually work your way up to the speaker. When you are as close as possible, stare up at them adoringly. After a while, change your expression to a frown, sigh heartbreakingly, and begin to stare into space. 29. Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it. 30. Wear shades and carry a walkie-talkie with an earphone. Once in a while, quietly say a few words into it. 31. Bring a doughnut cushion and use it. If anybody asks, say that your hemorrhoids are really acting up this week. Offer to share it if they really need it. Be embarrassingly persistent in your offer. Offer to show them how bad they are. 32. Wear brightly-colored earmuffs. Explain that "my ears tend to get real cold at these meetings." Ask the speaker to please talk a little louder. 33. Stand up and start doing the Macarena. Forcibly wrestle yourself back into your chair. Look real embarrassed. Tell everybody "My doctor's appointment is tomorrow." 34. Bring a large box of Depends to the meeting. Stow them under the conference table. Explain to a neighbor: "Just in case." 35. Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say "uh-huh, uh-huh!" 36. Bring a few telephone books. Add a few to sit on, adjusting your seat height until the top of your head is exactly one-half inch higher than the speaker's. Explain that you sometimes have trouble seeing the presentation. 37. Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room. 38. Play a game of jacks on the conference table. Explain that it helps you concentrate. 39. When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, "Well, here's the way I see it, J.B..." (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.) 40. Have a friend who does not work at your company accompany you to the meeting wearing bib overalls. Explain that it is National Take-a-Hick-to-work Week. Have him occasionally make an inappropriate comment or ask a stupid question. Tell him to keep quiet, and apologize to the group. If possible, have him bring his own spittoon, and chew tobacco and spit throughout the meeting.

This is a prescription not to ever get invited to meetings again!

Perhaps that is the point?!

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?" ~~~~~~~~~~ It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?" ~~~~~~~~~~ While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!" ~~~~~~~~~~ A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning." ~~~~~~~~~~ To close each day's activities in summer and on holidays in the Magic Kingdom at Walt Disney World at Lake Buena Vista, Fla., a huge fireworks display lights up the sky. One night I noticed a small boy about three years old perched on his father's shoulder. The child sat mesmerized, aware only of what was exploding in the heavens. When the fireworks were over, the little boy looked up into the sky again and said, "Thank you, God." ~~~~~~~~~~ My best lesson in child psychology came when I saw our five-year- old, Steven, roughly jerking our toy poodle's leash. Suddenly his fuming father appeared and asked, "Do you want to tell me how sorry you are?" "I don't know how much you saw!" Steven stammered. ~~~~~~~~~~ When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peekaboo and other games slowly took their toll. One evening she smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor. I rushed to her side and asked where it hurt. She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, "It's the piggy that ate roast beef." ~~~~~~~~~~ We had spent the day moving from our farmhouse into our new house in town. Early the next morning, our 3 1/2-year-old ran into our bedroom to wake us up. I dressed him and told him to play in the yard and to quit bothering us. About 20 minutes later, he came running back. "Mommy, Mommy," he exclaimed, "everybody has doorbells - and they all work." ~~~~~~~~~~ One day Mother sent my little brother to the post office to mail a letter. A few minutes later he came back with a suspicious smile on his face. "What happened?" my mother asked. "I just fooled the people at the post office. When no one was looking, I dropped the letter into the box without buying any stamps." ~~~~~~~~~~ A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write - and they won't let me talk!"

Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2000 07:32:36 -0800 From: Modern Humorist Subject:TAKE BACK FLORIDA! I know I haven't talked to many of you in years except to send mass e-mails (btw, is Emily really two already? It seems like only yesterday that I thought about calling you that time when she was born), but this e-mail is REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT. We must make our voices heard in Florida -- almost as if we lived there! That's why a new Web page has been set up to send e-mail directly to Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris. If you've ever signed an online petition before, you know how successful they are! If you've never signed an online petition, this is the one to start with! http://www.modernhumorist.com/mh/0011/petition/ Like other direct action Web sites, the goal of this one is not merely to persuade you to change your long distance service, but to make it easy for you to share your opinion. You don�t even have to come up with your opinion yourself -- just sign one of the pre-written letters. http://www.modernhumorist.com/mh/0011/petition/

GEORGE CARLIN-ISMS How come wrong numbers are never busy? Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"? Does that screwdriver belong to Philip? Can a stupid person be a smart-ass? Does killing time damage eternity? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? Why is it that night falls but day breaks? Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand? Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors? Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop? Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it? Did Noah keep his bees in archives? Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans? Do pilots take crash-courses? Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool? How can there be self-help "groups"? How do you get off a non-stop flight? How do you write zero in Roman numerals? How many weeks are there in a light year? If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe? If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them? If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do? If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots? Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child? Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot? Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why do 'fat chance' and 'slim chance' mean the same thing? Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow hips change places

*WITH APOLOGIES TO CHARLIES DANIELS* (forwarded by John Burnett) The devil went down to Florida, he was lookin' for some votes to steal He was in a bind 'cuz he was way behind and he was willin' to make a deal. When he came across his brother sittin' in the mansion and playing it cool And the devil piped up to his brother and said "Jeb, they know that I'm a fool. And Pappy's gonna kill us if we don't do like he says And I'm ascared, if this votes fair, they won't make me the Prez. Now here's the way we'll fiddle it, Jeb, to give your brother his due Blacks young and old, we'll stop them cold, from gettin' their ballots through" Then Jeb said, "I'm the Guvner, and it's against the law But I'll save your hide and the family pride, 'cause this one here's for Pa!" Jebbie call some Cubans up and start to fiddle hard 'Cause Hell's broke loose in Florida, and the devil needs some cards And if you double-punch enough your brother's sure to win. And if he don't, then come up with some spin... Jeb, he opened up a case and then as if by rote Fire flew from his fingertips as he punched a double vote He pulled on Pat Buchanan's chad and it made an evil hiss. And a band of Cubans joined in behind Katherine Harris... And then when Jebbie finished, he said, "You can now fill Pappy's shoes, So get some slaw with Ma and Pa and y'all can watch it on the news." Then the story broke on CNN Maybe they should count the votes again Double punched ballots and Jim Crow Granny, did your vote count? No, child no Then Pappy slapped him 'cross the face, cause he knew that he got beat And he had to wear a band-aid on the welt upon his cheek And Pappy said, "I'll fix this like I did with Pinochet I told you once, you son of a bitch, I ran the CIA!"

Happy Thanksgiving - this from Cheryl... A Change In Plans Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes: Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect. Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea. The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas. Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey. We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying. We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method.

Nativity Scene The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin.

Heaven vs. Hell In Heaven: the cooks are French, the policemen are English, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and the bankers are Swiss. In Hell: the cooks are English, the policemen are German, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss and the bankers are Italian.

take a look all you anti SUV lovers http://slate.msn.com/Features/GodzillaSUV/page2.asp

I like some of the safety features: Cell-phone air bag for ear protection during collisions. Retro rockets, drogue chute. PLEASE NOTE: For added safety, vehicle will operate only when cell phone is in use.

*Laugh* I agree... Three strikes and you're President. Nicaragua was only practice. Florida was the real thing. Don't Blame Me - I voted for Gore...I Think. Error 404- File "Florida Electoral Votes" not found. Please check the URL of the website. Who punched the chads out? Whoo Whoo Whoo? UNPRESIDENTED! Ralph Happens If God Meant Us to Vote, He Would Have Given Us Candidates. My other President is a Republican. Honk If You Love Al Gore! (use the button on your steering wheel). My 2nd Grader is Smarter than 19,000 Florida voters! Jews for Buchanan What popular vote? "Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything." -Joseph Stalin I voted - Didn't matter My parents retired to Florida and all I got was this lousy President. I know I voted on a butterfly ballot, but how come I feel like I just ingested a pupa? Mi brudder sed I were elected. Im going too DizzyWerld Disney gave us Mickey, Florida gave us Dumbo. Grant? Harding? Nixon? Reagan? You ain't seen nothing yet! I Invented the Bumper Sticker - A.Gore DON'T THROW AWAY YOUR VOTE... LET KATHERINE HARRIS DO IT FOR YOU! Chad happens Who is this Chad guy and why is he pregnant? I hope Bush wins, that way the loaded gun I'm stroking right now will be legal. Bush trusts the people, but not if it involves counting. Let them fight to the death. Trust the Machine Now do you understand the importance of user-testing? George III ... George sr, George jr ... hereditary monarchy has been restored! To you I'm a drunk driver; to my friends, I'm presidential material! One person, one vote (may not apply in certain states) I DIDN'T VOTE FOR HIS DADDY EITHER IT AIN'T OVER 'TIL YOUR BROTHER COUNTS THE VOTES Holocaust Survivors for Holocaust Deniers The election can't be broken. We just fixed it. Will Rogers never met W The skies (wheeze) of Texas (cough) are upon you! (choke) Damn! Al's brother wasn't governor of Tennessee! Banana Republicans OK, forget votes. How many guns do you have? George W. Bush: The President Quayle We Never Had DON'T BLAME ME- I VOTED FOR... D'OH! Bradley vs. McCain: Sounds Better Now, Huh? Campaign spending: $184,000,000. Having your little brother rig the election for you: Priceless. The last time somebody listened to a Bush, folks wandered in the desert for 40 years "Space is the breath of art" Frank Lloyd Wright

Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. Robin Williams Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. Roseanne Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. Billy Crystal You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" Sean Connery According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. Robert DeNiro I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it. Bill Cosby In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? Hugh Grant We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." Elayne Boosler There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? Dustin Hoffman When the sun comes up, I have morals again. Elizabeth Taylor There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." Jerry Seinfield If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. George Clooney Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. Rod Stewart The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. Jeff Bridges

RRod Stewart, what a nice guy.

I don't know if this is the "best chicken joke" ever, but it does answer an age old question. POSSIBLY THE VERY BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

Oh yes!!!! A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down going the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!" The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "BITCH!!." They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve.... he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road. If only men would listen...

This is Santa and I just wanted to let you know that Christmas may be a little late this year. See after checking all the boxes and tallying them up, I found some problems with the results. The first result showed: 428,534,120 Good 428,523,119 Bad The second result showed: 428,534,118 Good 428,523,121 Bad So you see, I can't, with good faith, go out and deliver presents while knowing I could have made a mistake. Maybe Little Johnny was good for once, then again, maybe not. So, I have enlisted the help of all my elves and the Mrs. to help do a recount. We hope to have this finished up by 5pm on the 24th of December, but there is a possibility that it might take longer. You see the tally cards were not quite clear to me, although I made them myself, I forgot what they meant. You know, Good...and Bad??? And the check marks I used were not all the same, some went left, some right, some were just a mark. Some went through both boxes, and some didn't even have much of a mark on them. I leave it up to them to decide what I meant. So if you wake up on Christmas morning, and there are no presents under your tree, at least you can tell the kids the story. Thank you for your patience and understanding in these trying times, Santa

Santa better do a recount, this time taking stock of the dimpled and pregnatn chads.

GIFTS FOR MEN Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why. Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why. Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why. Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts. Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips. Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer. Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy. Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why. Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto,eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks." Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?" Rule #12: Tickets to a Patriots game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why. Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker. Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why. Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why.

*************** ELECTION REDUX *************** Top Ten #10: Gore is president on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, Bush on Tuesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays and alternate Sundays. Bush gets the presidency for two weeks during the summer; Gore gets all major holidays #9: Laura Bush and Tipper Gore mud wrestle for Presidency live on pay per view. #8: Get Martin Sheen to play the president, and outside of the improvement, most people won't notice the difference. #7: Bush & Gore sue each other in Federal Court. Winner gets the presidency; Winner's lawyer gets Oregon, Indiana and one of the Carolinas. #6: One round of paper-scissors-rock, no flinches, no do-overs.. #5: Person chosen to co-host with Regis Philbin also to be president. #4: Run the election again on Thursday and Saturday (best two out of three wins). #3: Two Words: swimsuit competition. #2 Al Gore and George W. Bush ride Disney's Magic Mountain continuously until one of them falls off. If both fall off simultaneously, Ralph Nader is named the winner, and gets to declare Disney ride unsafe at any speed. #1. Just let Bill Clinton keep on being President. You know he wants to.

GREEN SNAKES I BET YOU ALWAYS THOUGHT GREEN SNAKES WERE OK -- RIGHT? WELL, READ ON........ Green Garden Grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that alittle green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him in the butt. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed inand loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch, One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire. Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing. Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area. Time passed. . . Both men were discharged from the hospital, The house was re-built, The police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world . . . Last night they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night. She shot him dead.

TWELVE POLITICALLY CORRECT DAYS OF CHRISTMAS On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my potential-acquaintance-rape-survivor gave to me, TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note...), TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping, NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression, EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans, SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands, SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products, FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after member of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.) FOUR hours of recorded whale songs, THREE deconstructionist poets, TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses, and a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Martha Stewart's Holidays "To Do" List ------------------------------------ December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards. December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3 Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o'-nine-tails. Flog Gardener. December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. December 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself. December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. December 7 Debug Windows '98. December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. December 11 Lay Faberge egg. December 12 Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. December 13 Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts. December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house. December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall. December 17 Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire. December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture. December 21 Drain City reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks. December 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank. December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas. December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are. December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri. December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum. December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God. December 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

While in art school, where we mostly worked with Amigas and Macs, a Spanish exchange student asked me if I ever worked with MS-2. I thought he meant OS/2 but he didn't know what that was. It took me some time to figure out that he meant MS- DOS. "Dos" in Spanish means "two." My grandfather has recently started a course called "Computers for the Terrified." He's nearly eighty and, although used to be an engineer within the British Royal Airforce, is completely stuck when it comes to computers. He came back from his first evening at this course. When asked how it had gone, he replied, "Yes, it was really good. I really enjoyed it, but I really couldn't get to grips with my mole." I stopped for a second, completely puzzled, until I realized he was talking about the mouse. Customer: "I have a scummy card in my system." Customer: "I have a cursing flasher." Customer: "I am getting an error on my computer" Tech Support: "What kind of error?" Customer: "It says I have a corrupted file on my hard drive, and I should run 'Check Disk'." Tech Support: "Ok, we need to call in a ticket, and someone will be down shortly." Customer: "Can you make sure you bring some extra Check Disks, because mine does not work." Tech Support: "Uh. We're out of stock right now, but I'll order some." The place where a friend of mine works was going through the process of upgrading all of their computers. On one computer in particular, they had determined they needed more memory. One of the senior partners got it into her head that they needed more "MEG." My friend tried to tell her that what they needed was RAM, but she insisted that the machine had plenty of RAM and that they needed more Meg -- specifically, about 16 megabytes of Meg. He got tired of arguing with her and said to go down to the computer store and buy some Meg. She came back with an envelope with RAM in it -- on the envelope was written "16 megabytes of Meg." "The salesman tried to tell me the same thing you did," she told my friend, "but then he went and talked to his manager, and he set him straight. Now go install this Meg." Quickies: Customer: "I have Microword Soft." Customer: "Microwave Windows?" Customer: "Will this upgrade include Microwave 97?" Customer: (Referring to Microsoft Defrag.)=A0 "I ran Microwave Defrost, but it didn't help." Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder." Customer: "I have Microscope Exploiter." Customer: "I have Netscape Complicator." Customer: "I have Netscape Regulator." Customer: "Uhh...I have Newscape and Outlook Exposure." Customer: "I use Outlook Explorer." Customer: "I have a US Robotics Sportscaster modem." Customer: "It's not my computer that is slow. I have a 200 horse power hard drive." We were looking to hire a secretary. She needed to know WordPerfect, Dbase, and Lotus. This one candidate had no clue as to any of 'em (as I quizzed her on how to do different things). When I got to the spreadsheet, I asked her if she knew Lotus 1-2-3. She said that her boyfriend was helping her and she was through Lotus 1 and 2, and was working on 3.

Tribal Wisdom Vs. Business Practices A little supervisory humor before the holidays. Credit is given to Thomas Steffen for passing this on to me. The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following: 1. Buying a stronger whip. 2. Changing riders. 3. Threatening the horse with termination. 4. Appointing a committee to study the horse. 5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses. 6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included. 7. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired. 8. Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead." 9. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse. 10. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed. 11. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its full original cost. 12. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance. 13. Do a time management study to see if the lighter riders would improve productivity. 14. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better. 15. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position. Seymour Samuels Ed.D. Director of Institutional Effectiveness Palm Beach Community College 4200 Congress Avenue Lake Worth FL 33461

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

The following guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks. Example: Gross pay $1,222.02 Deductions: Income tax 244.40 Outcome tax 45.21 State tax 11.61 Interstate tax 61.10 County tax 6.11 City tax 12.22 Rural tax 4.44 Back tax 1.11 Front tax 1.16 Side tax 1.61 Up tax 2.22 Tic-tacs 1.98 Thumbtacks 3.93 Carpet tacks .98 Stadium tax .69 Flat tax 8.32 Surtax 3.46 Corporate tax 2.60 Parking fee 5.00 FICA 81.88 TGIF fund 9.95 Life insurance 5.85 Health insurance 16.23 Dental insurance 4.50 Mental insurance 4.33 Reassurance .11 Disability 2.50 Ability .25 Liability 3.41 Unreliability 10.99 Coffee 6.85 Coffee cups 66.51 Floor rental 6.85 Chair rental .32 Desk rental 4.32 Union dues 5.85 Union don'ts 3.77 Cash advance .69 Cash retreats 121.35 Overtime 1.26 Undertime 54.83 Eastern time 9.00 Central time 8.00 Mountain time 7.00 Pacific time 6.00 Oxygen 10.02 Water 16.54 Heat 51.42 Cool air 26.83 Hot air 20.00 Miscellaneous 113.29 Various 8.01 Net Pay $0.12

THINGS TO PONDER Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out? Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true. There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. I don't mind going anywhere as long as it's an interesting path. Anything free is worth what you pay for it. Indecision is the key to flexibility. It hurts to be on the cutting edge. If it ain't broke, fix it till it is. I don't get even, I get odder. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. I am a nutritional overachiever My inferiority complex is not as good as yours. I am having an out of money experience. I plan on living forever. So far, so good. I am in shape. Round is a shape. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. A day without sunshine is like night. I have kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws. I am not a perfectionist. My parents were, though. Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make you gain five pounds. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone. Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show. You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Ol' Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge--into the wind he goes! Meanwhile, Maw & Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen! " Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims. Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw." She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops." "I think ya missed him, Paw," she says. "Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of ol' Zeek!"

NEWEST PERMUTATIONS OF COMPUTER VIRUSES THE ALGORE Virus.... (Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting and counting) THE CLINTON Virus.... (Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory) THE BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy) THE LEWINSKY virus... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did) THE RONALD REAGAN virus.... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored) THE MIKE TYSON virus.... (Quits after two bytes) THE OPRAH WINFREY virus.... (Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200mb) THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus... (Deletes all old files) THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus... (Disks can no longer be inserted) THE PROZAC virus... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care) THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus... (Only attacks minor files) THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus... (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back) THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)

TEN REASONS WHY PEOPLE OF THE WORLD THINK AMERICANS ARE CRAZY: 01. A pizza gets to our house faster than an ambulance. 02. There are handicap parking places in front of skating rinks. 03. Drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 04. People order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 05. Banks leave two sets of front doors unlocked and open and then chain their pens to the counters. 06. We leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 07. We use answering machines to screen calls and then have "call waiting" so we won't miss a call from someone we don't want to talk to in the first place. 08. We buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in package of eight. 09. We use the word "politics" to precisely describe our crazy process: "Poli" in Latin means "many" and "tics" means "bloodsucking creatures". 10. We have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

POLITICALLY CORRECT GUIDE TO GUYS He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility. He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist. He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations. You do not buy him a drink; you initiate an Alcohol-For-Conversation Exchange. He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive. He is not a redneck; he is a Genetically-Related American. He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships. He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient Of Parental Asset Infusion. He does not hog the blankets; he is Thermally Unappreciative. He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy. He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged ...thanks JSK...

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,343 - 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed; 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently; 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs; 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs; 53 to flame the spell checkers; 41 to correct spelling/grammar flames; 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"; another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive; 156 to write to the list administrator about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list; 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to litebulb-l; 203 to demand that cross posting to grammar-l, spelling-l and illuminati-l about changing light bulbs be stopped; 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this mail list; 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty; 27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs; 14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and to post the corrected URL's; 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list; 33 to link all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers and then add "Me too"; 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy; 19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"; 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ; 44 to ask what is "FAQ"; 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago on Usenet?" 143 to ask "what's Usenet?" THE END. (think Ian is trying to tell me something...?!)

- A LAWYER'S TOMBSTONE A lawyer named Mr. Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave." Mr. Strange was not amused by the stonecutter's attempt at humor and asked if he had another suggestion. The stonecutter said, "I could write, 'Here lies an honest lawyer'." The lawyer protested, "But that won't tell people who it was." "It most certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read, 'Here lies an honest lawyer' and exclaim, 'That's Strange!'" (Thanks JSK)

Strange indeed.

THINGS I WISH I'D KNOWN BEFORE I WENT OUT IN THE REAL WORLD THINGS I WISH I'D KNOWN BEFORE I WENT OUT IN THE REAL WORLD 1. Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying "Why, thank you" (though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent). 2. Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on stage singing, some are in the audience as critics and some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are. 3. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas. 4. When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste. 5. Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter. 6. Good sex should involve laughter. Because think about it, it is funny. 7. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape. 8. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right". 9. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 10. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm. 11. The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave me was "Go! You might meet somebody!" 12. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe it. 13. I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day? 14. Never pass up an opportunity to pee. 15. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance! 16. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you. 17. Knowing how to listen to music is as great a talent as knowing how to make it. 18. Work is good but it's not THAT important. 19. Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man. 20. And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Psalm 23 THE THESIS The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not flunk He keepeth me from lying down when I should be studying He leadeth me beside the water cooler for a study break He restores my faith in study guides He leads me to better study habits For my grades' sake Yea,though I walk through the valley of borderline grades I will not have a nervous breakdown For thou art with me My prayers and my friends, they comfort me Thou givest me the answer in moments of blankness Thou anointest my head with understanding My test paper runneth over with questions I recognize Surely passing grades and flying colors shall follow me All the days of my examinations And I shall not have to dwell in this stupid uni forever.

For those who don't read Austin Conference: Rules for Living in Austin 1. First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is AWS-TUN and it does not matter how people pronounce it in other places. 2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Austin has its own version of traffic rules. There's no book about them. You've just got to get in your car and hope you survive to learn them. 3. All directions start with, "Go down Mopac...cause you don't want to get on 35." 4. Burnet, Braker, and Lamar have no beginning and no end. 5. It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls this a "scenic drive." 6. The 8:00am rush hour is from 6:30am to 9:30am. The 5:00pm rush hour is from 3:30pm to 7:15pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning. 7. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you cannot be from Austin.You may only apply your brakes when the end of the yellow light and the beginning of the red light create a "burnt-orange" hue. 8. If you like being an individual, don't even think of working for Dell. You'll be branded like cattle and made to walk all over town with your "Dell tag" around your neck or clipped on your belt loop. 98% of the people within a 200 mile radius work for Dell. When someone says, "Michael Dell", Dell employees are trained to face Round Rock, hit their knees, put their face to the ground, weep, and rock back and forth. 9. Just remember that Mopac IS Loop 1 and Research IS 183. 2222 is Northland or Allendale or Koenig. Don't try to figure it out. Just accept it. If you question the intelligence behind this naming convention, people will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you. 10. If moisture is determined to be rain, not sweat, all traffic must immediately cease; ditto for daylight savings time, girl applying eyeshadow across the street, or a flat tire three lanes over. Do not attempt to access any road after an apocalyptic event like snow or South X Southwest. 11. Construction on I-35 is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment. Get used to it! 12. Keep in mind that the sloppily dressed "hippie" in sandals and earrings is probably the latest IPO millionaire around here. 13.Stay away from the Congress bridge at sundown if you do not like the thought of being in an Alfred Hitchcock movie. 14. And yes we all know that's a man in a teddy and tiara on Congress.It's Leslie and he probably makes more money than you do.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners: Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't _get it. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. Glibido: All talk and no action. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. And, the pick of the literature: Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

************** Born Southern ************** "Southerners have a genius for psychological alchemy... If something intolerable simply cannot be changed, driven away or shot they will not only tolerate it but take pride in it as well." Florence King "Southerners can never resist a losing cause." Margaret Mitchell "The Southerner always tended to believe with his blood rather than his intellect." Marshall Frady "I don't think of myself as a Negro. I'm a Southerner. I just like the Southern way of life." Julian Bond "I love everything about the South; I even love hate." Brother Dave Gardner "O magnet-South! O glistening perfumed South! My South! O quick mettle, rich blood, impulse and love! Good and evil! O all dear to me!" Walt Whitman "I like the South because of the people. They are loyal. Once they love a team, they're fans forever." Dominique Wilkins "Because I was born in the South, I'm a Southerner. If I had been born in the North, the West or the Central Plains, I would be just a human being." Clyde Edgerton "Everyone from the South knows who Jefferson Davis was, and this is one thing that distinguishes the South from other parts of the country." William F. Buckley "The only place in the world that nothing has to be explained to me is the South." Woodrow Wilson "The South may not always be right, but by God it's never wrong!" Brother Dave Gardner "I suggest that the true Southland is that territory within which, when asked by an outsider whether he is a Southerner, the reply almost invariably is 'Hell yes!' This 'Hell yes' line has the advantage of eliminating the ambivalent wishy washy fringes, and leaving the unquestionably defiant, hard-core Southland." Hamilton C. Horton, Jr. "Southerners make such good novelists; they have so many good stories because they have so much family." Gore Vidal "I'm Southern and I know neurotic behavior." Faye Dunaway "Southern barbecue is the closet thing we have in the U.S. to Europe's wines and cheeses; drive a hundred miles and the barbecue changes." John Shelton Reed "My mother's people, the people who captured my imagination when I was growing up, were of the Deep South - emotional, changeable, touched with charisma and given to histrionic flourishes. They were courageous under tension and unexpectedly tough beneath their wild eccentricities, for they had an unusually close working agreement with God." Willie Morris "Anyone with a lick of sense knows that you can't make good barbecue and comply with the health code." John Edgerton "The summer picnic gave the ladies a chance to show off their baking hands. On the barbecue pit, chickens and spareribs sputtered in their own fat and a sauce whose recipe was guarded in the family like a scandalous affair." Maya Angelou "Next to fried food, the South has suffered most from oratory." Walter Hines Page "When the taste changes with every bite and the last bite tastes as good as the first, that's Cajun." Paul Prudhomme "True grits, more grits, fish, grits, and collards. Life is good where grits are swallered." Roy Blount, Jr. "Memphis Martini: Gin with a wad of cotton in it." Fred Allen "What you need for breakfast, they say in East Tennessee, is a jug of good corn liquor, a thick steak and a hound dog. Then you feed the steak to the dog." Charles Kuralt "The tragedy of the redneck is that he chose the wrong enemy." Will D. Campbell "Yes, charisma is the middle name of scads of Southern cads." Rosemary Daniel "Southern women see no contradiction in mixing strength with gentleness." Sharon McKern "The friend asked why the Rebel army had continued to fight when defeat was certain. They were simply afraid to go home and face their women." Gordon Cotton "I've always said that next to Imperial China, the South is the best place in the world to be an old lady." Florence King "The remark has been made that in the Civil War the North reaped the victory and the South the glory." Richard Weaver "The young bloods of the South; sons of planters, lawyers about towns, good billiard players and sportsmen, men who never did any work and never will. War suits them. They are splendid riders, first rate shots and utterly reckless. These men must all be killed or employed by us before we can hope for peace." General W. T. Sherman "When the smoke and fire was over, the Negroes had nothing gained, the whites had nothing left, while the jackals have all the booty." R.H. Cain "In the South the war is what A.D. is elsewhere; they date from it." Mark Twain "As long as the Negroes are held down by deprivation and lack of opportunity, the other poor people will be held down alongside them." Governor Big Jim Folsom "We went across the South on Super Tuesday without a single catcall or boo, without a single ugly sign. Not until we got to New York and the North did the litmus test of race and religion spout from the mouths of public officials." Jesse Jackson "Every time I look at Atlanta I see what a quarter of a million Confederate soldiers died to prevent." John Shelton Reed "I just got wonderful news from my real estate agent in Florida. They found land on my property." Milton Berle "I didn't make Arkansas the butt of ridicule. God did." H.L. Mencken "I like the South because it is so much warmer on the sidelines than it is up North." Coach Tom Landry "I know why we lost the Civil War. We must have had the same officials." Coach Bum Phillips on losing the Senior Bowl "Young feller, you will never appreciate the potentialities of the English language until you have heard a Southern mule driver search the soul of a mule." Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. "The South is a region that history has happened to." Richard Weaver "The past is not dead. It isn't even past." William Faulkner

*********** Oxymorons *********** 50. Act naturally 49. Found missing 48. Resident alien 47. Advanced BASIC 46. Genuine imitation 45. Airline Food 44. Good grief 43. Same difference 42. Almost exactly 41. Government organization 40. Sanitary landfill 39. Alone together 38. Legally drunk 37. Silent scream 36. British fashion 35. Living dead 34. Small crowd 33. Business ethics 32. Soft rock 31. Butt Head 30. Military Intelligence 29. Software documentation 28. New York culture 27. New classic 26. Sweet sorrow 25. Childproof 24. "Now then ..." 23. Synthetic natural gas 22. Christian Scientists 21. Passive aggression 20. Taped live 19. Clearly misunderstood 18. Peace force 17. Extinct Life 16. Temporary tax increase 15. Computer jock 14. Plastic glasses 13. Terribly pleased 12. Computer security 11. Political science 10. Tight slacks 9. Definite maybe 8. Pretty ugly 7. Twelve-ounce pound cake 6. Diet ice cream 5. Rap music 4. Working vacation 3. Exact estimate 2. Religious tolerance 1. Microsoft Works

Just under this list at numbers 51 is television personality. There was also the restaurant and bar which was named the Temperenceville Tavern. Still, I want to know why is the most famous oxymoron of all missing from this list? That being "jumbo shrimp".

Thanks, JSK: WORDS TO LIVE BY Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at ex-lovers, and miss. Cooking lesson #1: Don't fry bacon in the nude. Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day. If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water gun and shoot other people in the eyes. If you're not part of the solution, start another problem! If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kick boxing. If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. Never buy a car you can't push. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on. Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Rubber cork and plastic straw were also left off the Oxymoron list. I think they are supposed to be NEW ones?!

+----------- Bizarre Excuses for Missing School -----------+ [These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) from some schools in Texas.] My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

~*~ 100% TEXAN ~*~ 1. It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash. 2. You use the phrase "fixin' to" almost daily. 3. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date. 4. You've ever been excused from school because "the cows got out." 5. You can properly pronounce the names of the towns Mexia, Waxahachie and Mesquite. 6. You can remember the name of the last state legislator to introduce a bill involving castration and he didn't mean farm animals. 7. You know exactly what calf fries are, and eat them anyway. 8. You can recall hot summers by the year they happened easier than you can remember your mother's birthday. 9. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies. 10. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door but by the availability of shade. 11. You have owned at least one belt buckle bigger than your fist. 12. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other one go first. 13. When you hear a tornado siren, you go out and look for a funnel. 14. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it. 15. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store. 16. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 4x4 is. 17 . You know that everything goes better with Ranch. 18 . You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply. 19. You know that "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural. 20 . You are 100% Texan if you have ever had this conversation: "You wanna Coke?" "Yeah." "What kind?" "Dr. Pepper."

Yep, dp. I haven't had that exact conversation, but one similar. Did you watch the NFL All Pro Game in Hawaii, Marci? A "bad traffic jam" in Austin is many notches worse that the one described above. I got the town pronounciation test right, but for the life of me I don't have a clue who that castration legislation was introduced by, nor do I have a need to know!

Watched the Pro Bowl yesterday. Pretty good considering, as all pro Bowls are, mostly offense. How did you like the XFL, Terry? Pretty weird! I figured the bad tradffic jam in Austin was worse than they said. None of us need to know about the castration legislation, I think. Dp anytime!

I've missed the xfl so far, your impressions, Marci?

It's not bad for just watching the game. These guys want to get back into the NFL. However, the color guys are pathetic, the cheerleaders are gross, and the ads definitely gender-specific. I wish the hype would die down and let them get on with football. I enjoyed it when two teams actually showed up. How about you, Terry?

I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN....... I'm the life of the party, even when it lasts until 8 P.M. I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer. I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going. I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my-aspirin-beano-antacid. I'm the first one to find the bathroom, wherever we go. I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you are saying. I'm very good at telling stories.... over and over and over and over. I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine. I'm so cared for, long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care... I'm not grouchy. I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians. I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired. I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place. I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg. I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...... I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate. I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies. I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory. I'm walking more (to the bathroom and enjoying it less). I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors -- absolutely nothing! I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days. I'm in the initial state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP. I'm wondering if you're only as old as you feel. how could I be alive at 150? I'm supporting all movements now by eating bran, prunes and raisins. I'm a walking storeroom of facts..... I've just lost the storeroom I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN AND I THINK I AM HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE!!! --- Incoming mail is certified Virus Free.

I have yet to see much of the XFL. I dug watching the NBA All Star Game, I can't believe the East came back from 21 points and there was some defense played. I thought Mutombo was the MVP,not Iverson. I like the way Mutombo is building hospitals and helping out his homeland in Africa.

XFL and I come and go as I have to retrieve something from the TV room. Not into floozy cheerleaders and tacky ads... **************** The First Gore **************** Tipper Gore, an amateur genealogical researcher, discovered that her husband's great-great uncle, Chadsworth Gore, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Tennessee in 1889. The only known photograph of Chadsworth Gore shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the Picture was this inscription: "Chadsworth Gore; horse thief, sent to Tennessee Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Tennessee Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889." After letting Al Gore and his staff of professional spin consultants peruse the findings, they decided to crop Chadsworth's picture, scan it as an enlarged image, and edit it with image processing software so that the following biographical sketch was sent to the Associated Press: "Chadsworth Gore was a famous rancher in early Tennessee history. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Tennessee railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. "In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Chadsworth Gore passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed." And thus passed the very first "hanging Chad."

You know you are in Pennsylvania when: (these are true - ask me!!!) 1. You have an uncontrollable urge to buy bread and milk when you hear the word "snow." 2. You say the correct pronunciation LANG-kist-er instead of the mispronounced Lan-CAST-er, and LEB-en-in instead of the equally incorrect Leb-a-NON. 3. You know the only way to make good fastnachts is to cook them in LARD. 4. You live within two miles of a plant that makes potato chips, corn chips, pretzels, candy, or ice cream, or that packages turkeys, beans, or bologna. 5. You ask the waitress for "dippy eggs" for breakfast. 6. You do things "once," as in "I'll go check in the back room once." 7. You can stop along the road to buy fruits, vegetables, or crafts on the "honor system." 8. You know what REAL pot pie is. 9. YOUR turkey has "filling," not "stuffing," and most certainly, NOT "dressing." 10. You know that chicken corn soup from a firehouse is the most perfect food on earth. 11. Your neighbors' names are Driebelbis, Stoltzfus, Lebo, Peachey, Yoder or anything ending in "- baugh or -ouch." 12. You say things like, "Outen the lights," "I'm calling off today,"and "They're calling for snow." 13. You've heard of distelfinks and hex signs. 14. Red Beet Eggs makes your list of top ten favorite foods. 15. You pronounce "Suite" as SUIT, not SWEET. 16. You say you're going out to the shed "AWHILE," instead of "FOR AWHILE." 17. You only buy your beer and soda by the case. 18. You think the roads in any other state are smooth. 19. You know the Penn State cheer. (WE ARE...PENN STATE!) 20. Hearing horses clopping down a paved street doesn't bring you to the window to see what's going on outside. 21. You never see any Confederate Flags, except on the Gettysburg Battlefield. 22. You prefer Hershey's Chocolate to Godiva. 23. You consider Pittsburgh to be "out west," and you know the fastest way to Philly is the Turnpike. 24. School closings due to snow take the radio stations half an hour to finish, because just about every town has its own school district. 25. When someone says 1972, you think "Agnes," and when someone says 1979, you think "TMI." 26. You call sloppy joes "barbecue." 27. You think Medium Rare equals Well Done. 28. When it snows, they put cinders on the roads instead of sand. 29. You can give directions to Intercourse with a straight face. 30. You only own three spices: salt, pepper, ketchup. 31. You have 10 favorite recipes for venison. 32. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. 33. The local paper covers National and International headlines on 1 page, but requires six pages for sports. 34. You think the start of deer hunting is a National Holiday. 35. You find -20F "a little" chilly. 36. You remember fondly days of youth known as "Snow Days". 37. Words like: gumband; buggy; hoagie; chipped beef; scrapple; actually mean something to you. 38. You can use the phrase "Firehall Wedding" and not even bat an eye. 39. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Pennsylvania friends.

TOP 20 SHORTEST BOOKS 20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno 19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver 18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino 17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton 16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan 15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates 14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman 13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore 12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN 11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS 10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE 9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES 8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN 7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN 6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres 5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE 4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club 3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY 2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson 1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton

NORTH/SOUTH The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes - The South has 'mater samiches. The North has coffeehouses - The South has Waffle Houses. The North has dating services - The South has family reunions. The North has switchblade knives - The South has Lee Press-on Nails. The North has double last names - The South has double first names. The North has Ted Kennedy - The South has Jesse Helms. The North has an ambulance - The South has an amalance. The North has the Mafia - The South has NASCAR. The North has Indy car races - The South has Swamp Buggy races. The North has Cream of Wheat or Oatmeal - The South has grits. The North has green salads - The South has collard greens and chitlins. The North has lobsters - The South has crawdads. The North has Distilleries, Breweries, and liquor stores - The South has stills, shine, and them ridge runners. The North has the rust belt - The South has the Bible Belt. Finally, if you are from the North and plan to visit or move to the South, there are a few things you should know: 1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup with a 12- pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. 2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store. 3. Remember, "ya'll" is singular, "all ya'll" is plural, and "all ya'll's" is plural possessive. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?" 4. You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Ya'll oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!" 5. Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you, either. 6. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is "big'ol," as in "big'ol truck" or "big'ol boy." Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way, though most are in denial about it. The pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. 7. Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense. 8. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, ya'll, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say. 9. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not; you just have to go there. 10. When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle. 11. Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns and are proficient marksmen. Or that their mammas taught them how to shoot. 12. In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush, green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway. 13. If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits. ============================================

Rye grass works pretty well in the Winter.

I'll remember that if I ever end up where I hope I do... Not JUST A Mom... A few months ago, when I was picking up the children at school, another mother I knew well rushed up to me. Emily was fuming with indignation. "Do you know what you and I are?" she demanded. Before I could answer and I didn't really have one handy - she blurted out the reason for her question. It seemed she had just returned from renewing her driver's license at The County Clerk's office. Asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation, Emily had hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. What I mean is," explained the recorder, "do you have a job, or are you just a .....?" "Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a mother." "We don't list 'mother' as an occupation...'housewife' covers it,"said the recorder emphatically. I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high-sounding title like "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar." "And what is your occupation?" she probed. What made me say it, I do not know. The words simply popped out. "I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations." The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pompous pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire. "Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest,"just what you do in your field?" Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research (what mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the field (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters (the whole darned family) and already have four credits (all daughters). "Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are in satisfaction rather than just money." There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door. As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants - ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model (6 months) in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt triumphant! I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another mother." Motherhood...what a glorious career. Especially when there's a title on the door. Send this to another Mother you know. Whether a stay at home Mom or a career Mom, we should all carry this title. ---------------------------------- The Images of Mother: 4 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mommy can do anything! 8 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot! 12 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mother doesn't really know quite everything. 14 YEARS OF AGE ~ Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either. 16 YEARS OF AGE ~ Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned. 18 YEARS OF AGE ~ That old woman? She's way out of date! 25 YEARS OF AGE ~ Well, she might know a little bit about it. 35 YEARS OF AGE ~ Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion. 45 YEARS OF AGE ~ Wonder what Mom would have thought about it? 65 YEARS OF AGE ~ Wish I could talk it over with Mom.

A few clues to being a true Texan. 1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway. 2. "Vacation" means going to the family reunion. 3. You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular. 4. You measure distance in minutes. 5. You know several people who have hit a deer. 6. Your school classes were canceled because of cold. 7. Your school classes were canceled because of heat. 8. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. 9. You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better." 10. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks. 11. Stores don't have shopping carts; they have buggies. 12. You see people wearing bib overalls at funerals. 13. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with noone in it, no matter what time of the year. 14. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store. 15. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,vegetable, grain, or animal. 16. You install security lights on your house and garage and leaveboth unlocked. 17. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer,and Jell-O salad with marshmallows. 18. You carry jumper cables in your car... for your OWN car. 19. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" is. 20. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco. 21. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent. 22. You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts. 23. The local paper covers national and international news on onepage but requires 6 pages for sports. 24. You think that deer season is a national holiday. 25. You know which leaves make good toilet paper. 26. You find 90 degrees F "a little warm." 27. You know all 4 seasons: Almost Summer, Summer,Still Summer,and Christmas. 28. You know if another Texan is from south, east, west, or northTexas as soon as they open their mouth. 29. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000or more. 30. You describe the first cool snap(below 70 degrees) as good gumboweather. 31. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda or a cola or a pop- it'sa Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. 32. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin' wal-martin'" 33. You recognize that cheese grits and catfish nuggets is a meal that must have been bestowed upon the people by the Lord Himself 34. You can be satisfied with a meal consisting only of a hunk of bread with flavored flour water (a delicacy known as "biscuit n'gravy") 35. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your friends from Texas.

These are Texans, not Austin folks. You won't find many of these stereotypes any more in the land of Beamers and high class Bistros, except those of course about the summers and the weather. There are lotsa Dairy Queens in the small towns.

Hiya ... got online at long last. Could see IM but not receive any replies. Oh to be in England!!!!! Hugs anyway. Oh yes, and greetings and stuff from Mali. Where it's Hot Hot Hot - 103 today. School was meltingly hot this morning - no electricity so no fans.

Maggie!!! Aloha! airlifting CARE packages of Tradewinds to you! Terry, so good to khow it is NOT the urbane Austinite to which the stereotypes referred. But, then, I already knew that from the two gentlemen I know from Austin! **************** Technology **************** Jake is struggling through an airport terminal with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks: "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six", he says. "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out..." - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven till six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding." The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all...", says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning", explains Jake. "View recede ten", Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state. "I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger. "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says the inventor. "But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that "the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard size books, though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake. "I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger. "No, you don't understand; it's not ready." "I'll give you $1000 for it!" "Oh, no, I've already spent more than ..." "I'll give you $5000 for it!" "But it's just not ..." "I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8,500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK", he says, and peels off the watch and hands it to the stranger. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute", calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he had been trying to wrestle through the terminal. "Don't forget your batteries."

Back again for a little bit Marcia ... temp hit 118F yesterday on our trip, got up to today. I think I'm melting!!!! Where did you put my pix on here?

You didn't say which ones to post so I am waiting to hear. You and Tony in full regalia???

YUP - thought I sed

Sorry I can't wait around on IM. Too expensive. Hugs (You disappeared yesterday too)

It's great you're checking in Maggie, too bad about the This Day in History thing, Marci. You were using a completely different source, maybe you can find a totally different source or we could just pick out one thing a day to comment on.

will do so.. reagardijng spring5 and Maggie's requests... have to make photo smaller before ftping them - shortly!!! FROM THE MOUTH OF A HUSBAND I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. ************************************************** I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. ************************************************** Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. ************************************************** The last fight was my fault. My wife asked: "What's on the TV?" I said: "Dust!" ************************************************** In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. ************************************************** Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ************************************************** What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks. ************************************************** A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said: "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said: "God, I wish I had your will power." ************************************************* Do you know the punishment for bigamy?: Two mothers-in-law. ************************************************* Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. ************************************************* A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." ************************************************* The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. ************************************************* First guy: "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine is still alive." ************************************************* How do men define marriage?: An expensive way to get laundry done for free. ************************************************* Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. ************************************************* If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word=A0 you say, talk in your sleep. ************************************************* Then there was a man who said: "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." ************************************************* A little boy asked his father: "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

*************** RESPONSIBILITY *************** Let me get this straight? "Let's see if I understand the state of personal responsibility in the America of the 1990s. If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant. If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll musician he liked. If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer your family blames the tobacco company. If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education. If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender. If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones. If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television. If you back up and run over a Trooper ,and he shoots you; you blame it on racial profiling. And, if a deranged madman shoots your friend, you blame the gun manufacturer. God bless America, land of the free, home of the "blame."* (* BLAME THE LAWYERS!!)

Thanks for this, JSK *hugs* JOB DESCRIPTIONS A cannibal is someone who is fed up with people. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a "brief."

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. I couldn't agree more :-)

Hi Mike! You're right!!! *Hugs* It is so good to see you ! Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to submit quotations from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions: 1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.) 2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping) 3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company) 4. This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service) 5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.) 6. My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claimed the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers) 7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation) 8. "How About Friday?" My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists) 9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division) 10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying, "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) 11. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.) 12. Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words that could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation) 13. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!" (Lucent Technologies

MARRIAGE MADE IN HEAVEN On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out." and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months...and they discussed if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?" After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!"

PITHY APHORISMS If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. A closed mouth gathers no foot. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Its pretty scarry that it is more complicated to simulate artifical stupidity than artificial intelligence. 73 de Cosmo back amongst the living

Welcome Home, Cosmo! *Hugs* New State Slogans (Thanks, Ian!) Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S" Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada: Whores and Poker! New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here! New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney ... North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States! Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee: The Educashun State Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English) Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont: Yep Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers! Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really! Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared!!!

This is funny. If you don't think so you may be upper management at McDonnell-Douglas.This allegedly was posted very briefly on the McDonnell-Douglas Website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not have a sense of humor and made the web department take it down immediately..... Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires. 1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrad [_] Classified [_] Other First Name: ................................ Initial: ........ Last Name: .................................. Password: ............................. (max. 8 char) Code Name:.................................. Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ..................... 2. Which model aircraft did you purchase? [_] F-14 Tomcat [_] F-15 Eagle [_] F-16 Falcon [_] F-117A Stealth [_] Classified 3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): ....../......./...... 4. Serial Number:......................................... 5. Please indicate where this product was purchased: [_] Received as gift/aid package [_] Catalogue/showroom [_] Independent arms broker [_] Mail order [_] Discount store [_] Government surplus [_] Classified 6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased: [_] Heard loud noise, looked up [_] Store display [_] Espionage [_] Recommended by friend/relative/ally [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer [_] Was attacked by one 7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell-Douglas product: [_] Style/appearance [_] Speed/maneuverability [_] Price/value [_] Comfort/convenience [_] Kickback/bribe [_] Recommended by salesperson [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation [_] Advanced Weapons Systems [_] Backroom politics [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat 8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used: [_] North America [_] Iraq [_] Iran [_] Aircraft carrier [_] Europe [_] Middle East (not Iraq) [_] Africa [_] Asia/Far East [_] Misc. Third World countries [_] Classified 9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future: [_] Color TV [_] VCR [_] ICBM [_] Killer Satellite [_] CD Player [_] Air-to-Air Missiles [_] Space Shuttle [_] Home Computer [_] Nuclear Weapon 10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Indicate all that apply.) [_] Communist/Socialist [_] Terrorist [_] Crazed [_] Neutral [_] Democratic [_] Dictatorship [_] Corrupt [_] Primitive / Tribal 11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product? [_] Deficit spending [_] Cash [_] Suitcases of cocaine [_] Oil revenues [_] Personal check [_] Credit card [_] Ransom money [_] Traveler's check 12. Your occupation: [_] Homemaker [_] Sales / marketing [_] Revolutionary [_] Clerical [_] Mercenary [_] Tyrant [_] Middle management [_] Eccentric billionaire [_] Defense Minister/General [_] Retired [_] Student 13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis: [_] Golf [_] Boating/sailing [_] Sabotage [_] Running/jogging [_] Propaganda/misinformation [_] Destabilization/overthrow [_] Default on loans [_] Gardening [_] Crafts [_] Black market/smuggling [_] Collectibles/collections [_] Watching sports on TV [_] Wines [_] Interrogation/torture [_] Household pets [_] Crushing rebellions [_] Espionage/reconnaissance [_] Fashion clothing [_] Border disputes [_] Mutually Assured Destruction Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnellDouglas serve you better in the future-as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes! Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to: McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION Marketing Department Military Aerospace Division.

IT'S GOOD TO BE A MAN Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. The world is your urinal. Same work...more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding Dress $5,000; Tux rental $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood, ALL the damn time. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don't have to shave below your neck. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives on December 24th, in 45 minutes. THE ONLY WAY TO GO !

I nearly put this in poetry conference, but di dnot want to offend the Hostess. Cat Haiku To all you cat lovers... You never feed me. Perhaps I'll sleep on your face. And that will show you. You must scratch me there! Yes, above my tail! Behold, Elevator butt. I need a new toy. Tail of a black dog keeps good time. Pounce! Good dog! Good dog! The rule for today. Touch my tail, I shred your hand. New rule tomorrow. In deep sleep hear sound Cat vomit hairball somewhere. Will find in morning. Grace personified I leap into the window I meant to do that. Blur of motion, then- Silence, me, a paper bag What is so funny? The mighty hunter Returns with gifts of plump birds Your foot just squashed one. You're always typing Well, let's see you ignore me Sitting on your hands. My small cardboard box You cannot see me if I Can just hide my head. Terrible battle I fought for hours. Come and see! What's a term paper? Kitty likes plastic Confuses for litter box Don't leave tarp around. Small brave carnivores Kill pine cones and mosquitos Fear vacuum cleaner Want to trim my claws? Don't even think about it! My yelps wake the dead. I want to be close to you. Can I fit my head inside your armpit? Wanna go outside. Oh, no! Help! I got outside! Let me back inside! Oh no! My Big One has been trapped by newspaper. Cat to the rescue. Humans are so strange. Mine lies still in bed, then screams! My claws aren't that sharp... Cats meow out of angst "Thumbs! If only we had thumbs! We could break so much." Litter box not here You moved it on me again I'll crap in the sink The Big Ones snore now Every room is dark and cold Time for "Cup Hockey" We're almost equals I purr to show I love you Want to smell my butt?

Southern Football Trivia What does the average Mississippi State player get on his SATs? --Drool. What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? ---A full set of teeth. How do you get an LSU cheerleader into your dorm room? ----Grease her hips and push like hell. How do you get a South Carolina graduate off your porch? -----Pay him for the pizza. Why do the Alabama cheerleaders wear bibs? -----To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms. Why is the Vandy football team like a possum? -----Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road. What are the longest three years of a Florida football player's life? ----His freshman year How many Ole Miss freshmen does it take to change a light bulb? -----None.....That's a sophomore course in Mississippi. Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco? -----Lexington, Kentucky .......He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner. AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.......) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color? ---You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.

You Know You're a Redneck Jedi When . . . Your Jedi robe is camouflage color. You use your lightsaber to open your bottle of Bud. There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder. You use your lightsaber to pick your teeth. At least one section of your X-Wing is bondo colored. You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder. You can't describe the taste of an Ewok without using the word chicken. You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks. You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets. A peaceful meditation is one without gas. You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force. You have an X-wing up on blocks in your front yard. You lost a hand during a lightsaber fight because you stopped to spit. You think the worst part about spending time on Dagobah is the "dadgum skeeters." Wookies are offended by your B.O. You use the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. Your father said to you, "Shoot, Son, com'on over tuh the dark side, it'll be a hoot." You use your R-2 unit's self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue to light. The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can't find it. You have a stuffed womp rat over your fireplace.

MORE REDNECK HUMOR Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it until she's fourteen. _____________________________________________ How do you know when your staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says, "go ahead." ____________________________________________ How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married? There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.. _____________________________________________ Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.. ________________________! ______________________ What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi? A documentary.. ______________________________________________ How many rednecks does it take to eat a 'possum? Two. One to eat and one to watch for traffic.. ______________________________________________ Where was the toothbrush invented? Arkansas. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.. ______________________________________________ Arkansas State Trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says "Bout what?" ______________________________________________ Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.. _______________________________________! _______ Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Nearly everyone has the same DNA.. _____________________________________________ Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas Burned Down? Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.. ______________________________________________ A new law recently passed in North Carolina: When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.. ______________________________________________ What's the best thing ever to come out of Arkansas? I-40.. _____________________________________________ What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common? Somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.. ______________________________________________ A Mississip! pian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurryover here. My house is on fire!" "OK," replied the fireman, "How do we get there?" "Shucks, don't you still have them big red trucks?" _____________________________________________ Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movies theater in groups of 18 or more? 'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.. ______________________________________________ What do you have when you have 32 Rednecks in the same room? A full set of teeth...

Howdy Howdy One thing I would add to the state mottos for Colorado would be: "If God meant Texans to ski he would have made bullshit white." Although not a state motto, a popular Chicago slogan still in use is: "VOTE EARLY, VOTE OFTEN!" de Mike radio cosmo international Not broadcasting from scenic Lake Michigan.....

LOL Mike!!! Love the Texas one... and on that note here is the scenario for a new Survivors series: A major network is planning the show "Survivor 4" this winter. In response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style." The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio,on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns." The first one to make it back to Dallas wins.

FOOT-AND-MOUTH BELIEVED TO BE FIRST VIRUS UNABLE TO SPREAD THROUGH MICROSOFT OUTLOOK Researchers Shocked to Finally Find Virus That Email App Doesn't Like Outlook Atlanta, Ga. (SatireWire.com)_ Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Symantec's AntiVirus Research Center today confirmed that foot-and-mouth disease cannot be spread by Microsoft's Outlook email application, believed to be the first time the program has ever failed to propagate a major virus. "Frankly, we've never heard of a virus that couldn't spread through Microsoft Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least, unexpected," said Clive Sarnow, director of the CDC's infectious disease unit. The study was immediately hailed by British officials, who said it will save millions of pounds and thousands of man hours. "Up until now we have, quite naturally, assumed that both foot-and-mouth and mad cow were spread by Microsoft Outlook," said Nick Brown, Britain's Agriculture Minister. "By eliminating it, we can focus our resources elsewhere." However, researchers in the Netherlands, where foot-and-mouth has recently appeared, said they are not yet prepared to disqualify Outlook, which has been the progenitor of viruses such as "I Love You," "Bubbleboy," "Anna Kournikova," and "Naked Wife," to name but a few. Said Nils Overmars, director of the Molecular Virology Lab at Leiden University: "It's not that we don't trust the research, it's just that as scientists, we are trained to be skeptical of any finding that flies in the face of established truth. And this one flies in the face like a blind drunk sparrow." Executives at Microsoft, meanwhile, were equally skeptical, insisting that Outlook's patented Virus Transfer Protocol (VTP) has proven virtually pervious to any virus. The company, however, will issue a free VTP patch if it turns out the application is not vulnerable to foot-and-mouth. Such an admission would be embarrassing for the software giant, but Symantec virologist Ariel Kologne insisted that no one is more humiliated by the study than she is. "Only last week, I had a reporter ask if the foot-and-mouth virus spreads through Microsoft Outlook, and I told him, 'Doesn't everything?'" she recalled. "Who would've thought?"

They'll never make it back to Dallas, they'll do ok in Austin though.

The part about taking away the guns would be the biggest pisser! de cosmo

Ya mean the pink car is not a problem? You're probably right about the guns. Anywhere is the south you don't even THINK about that! Austin is Way Cool. Big D... not! ~*~Signs of the Times~*~ Electrician's Truck: Let us remove your shorts. Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day. On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog. On a Maternity Room Door: Push, Push, Push Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place. Scientist's Door: Gone Fission Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff. Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels. Sign on Fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive. Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment. Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming. Hotel: Help! We need inn - experienced people. Butcher's Window: Pleased to meat you. Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman,and the 2nd one just left. Veterinarians Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay! The Electric Company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be. Beauty Shop: Dye now! Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Computer Store: Out for a quick byte Diner Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up. Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop. Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want. Music Library: Bach in a minuet. Funeral Home: Drive carefully, we'll wait.

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: * Two Italian men and one Italian woman * Two French men and one French woman * Two German men and one German woman * Two Greek men and one Greek woman * Two English men and one English woman * Two Irish men and one Irish woman * Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman * Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman * Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman * Two American men and one American woman One month later on these stunning islands, the following events have transpired: * One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. * The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a- trois. * The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of visits with the German woman * The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the woman is cleaning and cooking for them * The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. * The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun. * The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming. * The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions. * The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquorstore/restaurant/Laundromat and got the Chinese woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store. * The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.

The French figured it out!