Always! and the same to you *M* Extra-Gallactic

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the world. Being from the United States, he thought the place to start is San Francisco and work toward the East coast. He went to the very large Grace Cathedral in that city and began taking photographs. Suddenly, he spotted a golden telephone on a wall with a sign which reads $10,000 a minute. Intrigued, he sought out the priest and asked about the phone and the cost of calls. The priest advised him that this golden phone, in fact, is a direct line to Heaven. If he wished to use it, he could talk directly to God. "Thank you very much," he says and continues on his way. Next, in both Milwaukee and Chicago, he finds duplicate copies of the San Francisco phone with exactly the same notices on them. He again inquires of the local priests and receives exactly the same answers. He thanks them and resumes his investigation for his book. The writer continues on through many other states and finds the identical phones and signs until, finally, he arrives in Texas. Upon entering the Cathedral in Houston, lo and behold, he sees the familiar golden telephone with a sign. But this time the sign reads "Calls 35 cents." Fascinated, he rushed to the Bishop and said, "I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found a golden telephone. I was told that it was a direct line to Heaven. I also was told I could talk to God. But in all of the other churches, the toll was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 'Calls 35 cents'. Why? The Bishop smiled at him benignly and said, "My son, that's easy to explain. You see. You're in Texas. It is a local call from here."

Oy! Time to plan another trip to Texas! M i k e

Oy?! Texan for Auwe? M a r c i a

Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to: a. Present it to the president of the United States. b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations. c. Take it apart. 2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youth do you miss the most? a. Innocence. b. Idealism. c. Cherry bombs. 3. When is it okay to kiss another male? a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions. b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.) c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed. 4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is: a. A cat. b. A dog. c. A dog that eats cats. 5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy--you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say? a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it. b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope. c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen. 6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her. How do you tell her? a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner. b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her. c. Tell her what? 7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is: a. "Do they need to eat or anything?" b. "They're in school already?" c. "There are three of them?" 8. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land? a. He was being tested. b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there. c. He refused to ask directions. 9. What is the human race's single greatest achievement? a. Democracy. b. Religion. c. Remote control.

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no further. So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly. What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon. Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives. If God allowed us to go through our lives without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. We could never fly! I asked for Strength......... And God gave me Difficulties to make me strong. I asked for Wisdom......... And God gave me Problems to solve. I asked for Prosperity......... And God gave me Brain and Brawn to work. I asked for Courage......... And God gave me Danger to overcome. I asked for Love......... And God gave me Troubled people to help. I asked for Favors......... And God gave me Opportunities. I received nothing I wanted ........ I received everything I needed! May God Bless You. May the desires of your heart come true, and may you experience Peace in everything you do. May Goodness, Kindness, and Mercy come your way.

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights: 1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application." 2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time." 3. "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece." 4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate." 5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve" 6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm." 7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions." 8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office." 9 . "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left." 10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him." 11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much." 12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold." 13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview." 14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer." 15. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume." 16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one." 17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security." 18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

Over 3 million households around the country had to do without watching ABC TV earlier this week because of a quarrel over transmission rights between Time Warner Inc. and The Walt Disney Co., owners of ABC. The Top Things Overheard in the Disney/Time Warner Negotiations "So we are agreed, you rule the world Monday through Wednesday, we rule the world Thursday through Saturday, and on Sunday we let Cher have a crack at it." "Here's the thing: Time? Loves the mouse. Warner? Not so much." "Give in, or you'll hear 'It's a Small World' once an hour for the rest of your lives!!!" The splintering of wooden doors as a Janet Reno's swat team rushes in to free Regis. "So let's recap: you rename one of the dwarfs 'Katzenbergey', and we can get the little mermaid alone in a Motel 6 for three hours." "Uh, Mr. Eisner -- just because Mickey wears no pants doesn't mean you have to." "I'm afraid you don't understand -- what Goofy wants, Goofy gets." "Alright, who put the frozen head of Walt in my bed?" "Is that your final tantrum?" [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]

Thanks for the great additions to this compilation of the best and worst of human endeavors. It is so good to have you posting again *Big Smiles and Hugs*

21 Reasons the English Language is Hard to Learn 1. The bandage was wound around the wound. 2. The farm was used to produce produce. 3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse. 4. We must polish the Polish furniture. 5. He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10. I did not object to the object. 11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row. 13. They were too close to the door to close it. 14. The buck does funny things when does are present. 15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 18. After a number of injections my jaw got number. 19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a pound where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on the roof of one their biggest churches. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine. Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jock fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint and thin no more!"

In a large Florida city, the local rabbi developed quite a reputation for his sermons; so much so that everyone in the community came every Shabbos. Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island for his nephew's Bar Mitzvah. But he didn't want to miss The Rabbi's sermon. So he decided to hire a "Shabbos goy" to sit in the congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned. Other congregants saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire "Shabbos goys" to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of going to shul. Within a few weeks time there were 500 gentiles sitting in shul taping the Rabbi. The Rabbi got wise to this. The following Shabbos he, too, hired a Shabbos goy who brought a tape recorder to play his prerecoded sermon. Witnesses said this marked the first incidence in history of "artificial insermonation."

* G R O A N * *giggle*

MERGERS In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Netscape/Time Warner deals, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see: Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker. 3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood. John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da. Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home. Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine, All Mine. Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women merge to become Knott NOW.

WHY MEN ARE PROUD OF THEMSELVES 1. We know stuff about tanks. 2. A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase. 3. We can open all our own jars. 4. We can make decisions without a support group. 5. We can leave a motel bed unmade. 6. We can kill our own food. 7. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 8. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 9. If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend. 10. Underwear is $10 a three-pack. 11. Three pairs of shoes is more than adequate. 12. We don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming. 13. Car mechanics tell us the truth. 14. We can sit quietly and watch TV with a friend for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me." 15. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. 16. We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift. 17. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit you just might become lifelong friends. 18. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" 19. We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors. 20. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes. 21. The same hairstyle lasts for years-maybe decades. 22. We don't have to shave below the neck. 23. A few belches are expected and tolerated. 24. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. 25. We can do our nails with a pocketknife. 26. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day before Christmas and be done in 45 minutes.

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards. They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose -- how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair. The author said he could handle the story tactfully. The book appeared. It said, "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."

Got this e-mail from my 17-year-old daughter this morning -- Dear mom: Today has been the mega henious morning of my life. And it all started before I woke up this morning. Sometime during the night, I was abducted by hostile anal-probe toting aliens. So I woke up this morning smelling like stale piss-water beer. Then, as if that weren't bad enough, I realized that I had slept on my head wrong and my neck wouldn't move without the use of plumbing tools. But I knew this was no excuse to skip class, so I went to my first class, Elbow Macaroni Throughout the Ages. While I was sitting in class picturing the prof naked, I began to develop a horrible case of gas. I don't know what to do, Mom. I wanna curl up with my blankie. But that's hard to do when you look like an old Indian man. Anyway, I'll be alright. Don't worry about me. Too much. I went through five boxes of "Ding-Dongs" every hour this morning. I'm sure a crutch'll do me good. But if you sent me $10,000 now, I might not have to sink to those depths. --- This letter was sent by the Student.Com Mom-O-Matic http://www.student.com/feature/momomatic Student.Com: http://www.student.com

Nan! They are great. I am pasting them to email and sending it to those in the world who I have not enticed into Spring as yet. Thanks for some really clever goodies!

A friend sent this to me saying we could all use a reminder of what's important. And it was fun. (Love the last one!) This is what The Dalai Lama has to say on the millennium, all it takes is a few seconds to read and think. Instructions For Life 1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk. 2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson. 3. Follow the three Rs: a) Respect for self b) Respect for others and 4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck. 5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly. 6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship. 7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it. 8. Spend some time alone every day. 9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values. 10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. 11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time. 12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life. 13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past. 14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality. 15. Be gentle with the earth. 16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before. 17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other. 18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it. 19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Remembering our conversation about John Brown on History conference, John added this comment to the one he made there: "I believe in judging John Brown, you need to take the Dalai Lama's sayings #1, #5, and #9 into consideration. Yes, Brown took his principles beyond non-violent resistance, but war and a changing economic paradigm was the only thing caused freedom for the slaves, not nonviolent resistance or the Emancipation Proclamation."

Very true, and definitely worth considering when contemplating John Brown's influence on American History.

Did you read the comment I posted after your thoughtful one on the fact of John Brown and his controversial life? I am about to post what happened today...

Some hymns to consider for future services. The Dentist's Hymn - Crown Him with Many Crowns Weatherman's Hymn: There Shall be Showers of Blessings The Contractor's Hymn - The Church's One Foundation The Tailor's Hymn - Holy, Holy, Holy The Golfer's Hymn - There is a Green Hill Far Away The Politician's Hymn - Standing On the Promises The Optometrist's Hymn - Open My Eyes That I May See The IRS Agent's Hymn - I Surrender All The Gossip's Hymn - Pass It On The Electrician's Hymn - Send Out Thy Light The Shopper's Hymn - Sweet By and By Hymns to Sing while driving - 45 mph - God Will Take Care of You 55 mph - Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah 65 mph - Nearer My God to Thee 75 mph - Nearer Still Nearer 85 mph - This World is Not My Home 95 mph - Lord, I'm Coming Home Over 100 mph - Precious Memories

Yes, I did read them, Marcia. Sorry I should have posted and let you know.

HAPPY MOTHERS' DAY You Know You're a Mom When... 10. You automatically double-knot everything you tie. 9. You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes. 8. You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school! 7. You can never go to the bathroom alone without someone screaming outside the door. 6. You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce. 5. You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you. 4. You actually start understanding the Klingon language. 3. You get so into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells. 2. You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?" 1. You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!

DEEP THOUGHTS 1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. 2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. 3. I am in shape. Round's a shape... 4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. 5. Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? 6. I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. 7. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. 8. Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. 9. You have to walk to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we have no idea where she is. 10. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. 11. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you 12. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. 13. I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her. 14. A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too." 15. Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library, the James Carter Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Children have a way of making the complicated, very simple The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom. It is so hot in some places that people there have to live in other places. Momentum is something you give a person when they go away. Mushrooms always grow in damp places which is why they look like umbrellas. The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar. The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana. Thunder is a rich source of loudness. Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I never have been able to make out the numbers. When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy. One of the main causes of dust is DIRT. A monsoon is a French gentleman. To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow. Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should. Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does. There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because so many people are stomping around there these days. The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

Not so long ago... (thanks, Hannah!) An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy you hoped nobody found out! Compress was something you did to garbage not something you did to a file. And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for awhile! Log on was adding wood to a fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode! Cut - you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu! I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they wish they were dead!

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS . . . I'm sorry... what did you ask me?

RANDOM THOUGHTS Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor. You can't have everything - where would you put it? Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray! A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Sayings for a High Stress Day 1. You! Off my planet!! 2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we? 3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 5. And your crybaby whiny-arsed opinion would be...? 6. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years. 7. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 8. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 9. Do they ever shut up on your planet? 10. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up. 11. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 12. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 13. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one. 14. How many times do I have to flush before you go away. 15. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong? 16. You say I'm a witch like it's a bad thing. 17. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2? 18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 19. Chaos, panic & disorder - my work here is done. 20. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth. 21. Earth is full. Go home. 22. Is it time for your medication or mine? 23. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego? 24. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 25. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. 26. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

* still LOL and gasping for breath -- thanks for the PMS & lightbulbs!!! *

My pleasure! Here's another couple to pixillate you: POOR BILL, THEY'RE AT IT AGAIN! Bill Gates passes this mortal life and to nobody's surprise including his own, arrives in hell. Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Frankly releasing Windows 95 two years early, would by itself, have landed you here. But enough of that. You've arrived on a day when I'm in a good mood, so I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever." Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young, dark-skinned blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan then locks the door, and swallows the key. As Satan turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!" "That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan, "the bottle is empty and the girl is RuPaul!" "What about the PC?" "It's got Windows 2000," laughed Satan, "and it's missing three keys!" "Which three?" "Control, Alt and Delete."

*WOMEN* By the time the Lord made mothers, he was into his sixth day of working overtime. An Angel appeared and said "Why are you spending so much time on this one"? And the Lord answered and said, "Have you seen the spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have 200 movable parts, all replaceable, run on black coffee and leftovers, have a lap that can hold three children at one time, and disappears when she stands up. Have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart, and have six pairs of hands." The Angel was astounded at the requirements for this one. Six pairs of hands ! "No Way!" said the Angel. The Lord replied, "Oh, it's not the hands that are the problem. It's the three pairs of eyes that mothers must have!" "And that's just on the standard model?" The Angel asked. The Lord nodded in agreement, "Yep, one pair of eyes are to see through the closed door as she asks her children what they are doing even though she already knows. Another pair in the back of her head, are to see what she needs to know even though no one thinks she can. And the third pair are here in the front of her head. They are for looking at an errant child and saying that she understands and loves him or her, without even saying a single word." The Angel tried to stop the Lord. "This is too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish." "But I can't!" The Lord protested, "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can feed a family of six on a pound of hamburger and can get a nine year old to stand in the shower." The Angel moved closer and touched the woman, "But you have made her so soft, Lord." She is soft", the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish." "Will she be able to think?", asked the Angel. The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason, and negotiate." The Angel then noticed something and reached out and touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak with this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one." "That's not a leak." The Lord objected. "That's a tear." "What's the tear for?" the Angel asked. The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her disappointment, her pain, her loneliness, her grief, and her pride." The Angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything --- for WOMEN are truly amazing!"

THINGS ARE BIGGER BACK IN TEXAS... A young man who left his home in Texas at an early age, finally purchased his own ranch in Oklahoma. He invited his father out for a visit, and took him on a tour of the property. Driving along in the son's pickup truck, a jack rabbit hopped onto the road in front of them. The son stopped the truck to let the rabbit pass, and the father queried: "What in tarnation is that!?" The son incredulously replied, "That's a jackrabbit, Dad, what did you think it was?" The father shrugged and said, "We grow 'em a lot bigger'n back home in Texas." So they went on and a little farther on they came to a few buffalo roaming the range. The son stopped the truck and the father again said in a puzzled tone "What are those?" The son hesitantly said "Those are buffalo, Dad; you gotta be kiddin me, you really don't recognize them?" The father replied "Well, I guess they're kinda familiar -- it's just that we grow 'em so much bigger back in Texas." The son, a bit disgruntled, drove on in silence. At length they approached a low part in the road with marshy wetlands on either side. A large snapping turtle lumbered onto the road. The father peered intently at the creature and said "Now what the heck is that thing!?" Without missing a beat, the son replied, "wood tick"...

Corporate Talk Helping you figure out those slick and glossies from companies recruiting here are what they actually mean. "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY" We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers. "IMMEDIATE OPENING" The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad. "PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS" After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution. "COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT" We have a lot of turnover. "EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT" Guys in grey suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts. "JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM" We all listen to nutty motivational tapes. "MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. "FLEXIBLE HOURS" Work 40 hours; get paid for 25. "DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around. "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control. . "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" You'll need it to replace three people who just left. "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do. "ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD" You whine, you're fired.

NEW WORDS FOR 2000 (Part 1) BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generators running. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon. UNINSTALLED: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. *(Syn:decruitment.) CLM (Career Limiting Move): Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

WORDS FOR 2000 (Part 2) ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. DILBERTED: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character."I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week." 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 - File Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him ... he's 404, man." OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. UMFRIEND: A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship. SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.(Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive, Mortgage) STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets. YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, "We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps." GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."

Things I Learned as a Child ~ No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. ~When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. ~If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. ~You can't trust dogs to watch your food. ~Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot. ~Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. ~Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac. ~Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time. ~School lunches stick to the wall. ~You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. ~Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. ~The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap. ~It's hard to unlearn a bad word. ~It's easier to see the mistakes on someone else's paper. ~A pencil without an eraser may as well just be a pen. ~Sometimes the best one in the play has the fewest lines. ~Twelve is a lot older than eight. ~Sometimes your best move is blocked by your own checkers. ~Don't say that the "Last One is a Rotten Egg" unless you're absolutely sure there's a slow kid behind you. ~If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. ~Your room gets smaller as you get bigger. ~You can't start over just because you're losing the game. ~A snow day is more fun than a vacation day. ~All libraries smell the same. ~If you want someone to listen to you, whisper it. ~Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying. ~Silence can be an answer. ~If you throw a ball at someone, they'll probably throw it back. ~Don't nod on the phone.

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work!?"

HIGH-TECH HAIKU A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone. - - - - - - - - - - - - Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. - - - - - - - - - - - - Wind catches lily scatt'ring petals to the wind: segmentation fault - - - - - - - - - - - - ABORTED effort: Close all that you have. You ask way too much. - - - - - - - - - - - - First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies so beautifully. - - - - - - - - - - - - With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found. - - - - - - - - - - - - The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao, until You bring fresh toner. - - - - - - - - - - - - The Web site you seek cannot be located but endless others exist - - - - - - - - - - - - Stay the patient course Of little worth is your ire The network is down - - - - - - - - - - - - A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone. - - - - - - - - - - - - Yesterday it worked Today it is not working Windows is like that - - - - - - - - - - - - To have no errors Would be life without meaning No struggle, no joy - - - - - - - - - - - - You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here. - - - - - - - - - - - - Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will.

TOP 10 SIGNS SOMEONE PLAYS TOO MANY VIDEO GAMES 10. They ask for all their money in quarters. 9. They're not sure what season, or year it is. 8. They're best friends names are Super Mario, Pac-man, and Sonic (if they have real-life friends). 7. The electric company and the toy store sends them birthday cards. 6. Big falling blocks and hot lava pits haunt their dreams. 5. Their fingers twitch all the time. 4. When they are sick at home the change clerk at the arcade calls to see if they are all right. 3. They can play 2 player games by themselves. 2. Everyone at the arcade knows them by name. 1. Someone is reading this to them, 'cause they're too busy getting a new high score and can not be bothered.

There was once a monk who liked to peddle flowers in front of a large shopping establishment. He was a very annoying fellow, who would constantly beseech you to buy his flowers, and when you refused he would curse you with all the fire and brimstone he could muster. This was very annoying to the patrons of the shopping center, and they began to take their business elsewhere. The businessmen became upset, because this fellow was driving away all the shoppers. One day, one of them got an idea. He ran off to the cattle yard, and purchased a lamb. He then came back and climbed to the roof of the building, threw the lamb over the side, killing the monk below as he was selling his flowers. The other businessmen came up to him and asked, "Why did you do that?" He replied, "I had to. Only ewes can stop florist friars."

[Source unknown - I got it from Ginny] THE YOUNG PERSON'S GUIDE TO THE CHORUS In any chorus, there are four voice parts: soprano, alto, tenor, and bass. Sometimes these are divided into first and second within each part,prompting endless jokes about first and second basses. There are also various other parts such as baritone, countertenor, contralto, mezzo soprano, etc., but these are mostly used by people who are either soloists, or belong to some excessively hotshot classical a cappella group (this applies especially to countertenors), or are trying to make excuses for not really fitting into any of the regular voice parts, so we will ignore them for now. Each voice part sings in a different range, and each one has a very different personality. You may ask, "Why should singing different notes make people act differently?", and indeed this is a mysterious question and has not been adequately studied, especially since scientists who study musicians tend to be musicians themselves and have all the peculiar complexes that go with being tenors, french horn players, timpanists, or whatever. However, this is beside the point; the fact remains that the four voice parts can be easily distinguished, and I will now explain how. THE SOPRANOS are the ones who sing the highest, and because of this they think they rule the world. They have longer hair, fancier jewelry, and swishier skirts than anyone else, and they consider themselves insulted if they are not allowed to go at least to a high F in every movement of any given piece. When they reach the high notes, they hold them for at least half again as long as the composer and/or conductor requires, and then complain that their throats are killing them and that the composer and conductor are sadists. Sopranos have varied attitudes toward the other sections of the chorus, though they consider all of them inferior. Altos are to sopranos rather like second violins to first violins - nice to harmonize with, but not really necessary. All sopranos have a secret feeling that the altos could drop out and the piece would sound essentially the same, and they don't understand why anybody would sing in that range in the first place - it's so boring. Tenors, on the other hand, can be very nice to have around; besides their flirtation possibilities (it is a well-known fact that sopranos never flirt with basses), sopranos like to sing duets with tenors because all the tenors are doing is working very hard to sing in a low-to-medium soprano range, while the sopranos are up there in the stratosphere showing off. To sopranos, basses are the scum of the earth - they sing too damn loud, are useless to tune to because they're down in that low, low range - and there has to be something wrong with anyone who sings in the F clef, anyway (although while they swoon while the Tenors sing, they still end up going home with the basses). THE ALTOS are the salt of the earth - in their opinion, at least. Altos are unassuming people, who would wear jeans to concerts if they were allowed to. Altos are in a unique position in the chorus in that they are unable to complain about having to sing either very high or very low, and they know that all the other sections think their parts are pitifully easy. But the altos know otherwise. They know that while the sopranos are screeching away on a high A, they are being forced to sing elaborate passages full of sharps and flats and tricks of rhythm, and nobody is noticing because the sopranos are singing too loud (and the basses usually are, too). Altos get a deep, secret pleasure out of conspiring together to tune the sopranos flat. Altos have an innate distrust of tenors, because the tenors sing in almost the same range and think they sound better. They like the basses, and enjoy singing duets with them - the basses just sound like a rumble anyway, and it's the only time the altos can really be heard. Altos' other complaint is that there are always too many of them and so they never get to sing really loud. THE TENORS are spoiled. That's all there is to it. For one thing, there are never enough of them, and choir directors would rather sell their souls than let a halfway decent tenor quit, while they're always ready to unload a few altos at half price. And then, for some reason, the few tenors there are are always really good - it's one of those annoying facts of life. So it's no wonder that tenors always get swollen heads - after all, who else can make sopranos swoon? The one thing that can make tenors insecure is the accusation (usually by the basses) that anyone singing that high couldn't possibly be a real man. In their usual perverse fashion, the tenors never acknowledge this, but just complain louder about the composer being a sadist and making them sing so damn high. Tenors have a love-hate relationship with the conductor, too, because the conductor is always telling them to sing louder because there are so few of them. No conductor in recorded history has ever asked for less tenor in a forte passage. Tenors feel threatened in some way by all the other sections - the sopranos because they can hit those incredibly high notes; the altos because they have no trouble singing the notes the tenors kill themselves for; and the basses because, although they can't sing anything above an E, they sing it loud enough to drown the tenors out. Of course, the tenors would rather die than admit any of this. It is a little-known fact that tenors move their eyebrows more than anyone else while singing. THE BASSES sing the lowest of anybody. This basically explains everything. They are stolid, dependable people, and have more facial hair than anybody else. The basses feel perpetually unappreciated, but they have a deep conviction that they are actually the most important part (a view endorsed by musicologists, but certainly not by sopranos or tenors), despite the fact that they have the most boring part of anybody and often sing the same note (or in endless fifths) for an entire page. They compensate for this by singing as loudly as they can get away with - most basses are tuba players at heart. Basses are the only section that can regularly complain about how low their part is, and they make horrible faces when trying to hit very low notes. Basses are charitable people, but their charity does not extend so far as tenors, whom they consider effete poseurs. Basses hate tuning the tenors more than almost anything else. Basses like altos - - except when they have duets and the altos get the good part. As for the sopranos, they are simply in an alternate universe which the basses don't understand at all. They can't imagine why anybody would ever want to sing that high and sound that bad when they make mistakes. When a bass makes a mistake, the other three parts will cover him, and he can continue on his merry way, knowing that sometime, somehow, he will end up at the root of the chord.

+------------------- Bizarre Inventions -------------------+ 1. The Tonya Tapper - A personal security steel club named after the notorious skater; suitable for all knee whacking purposes. 2. Sweet Jesus Chocolate - Tasty milk chocolate crucifix candies that ooze red jelly when bitten. 3. Insecticide Pantyhose - Bug resistant pantyhose sure to repel spiders, cockroaches, [and probably dates.] 4. Artificial Spray-On Dirt - For the yuppie whose tired of looking wuss in his luxury S.U.V. This is sure to provide that rugged four-wheeling look. 5. Drive-Through Window at Funeral Homes - For the more somber drive-by. 6. .45 Semiautomatic Telephone - A novelty phone sure to please the darkest sense of humor. The caller must hold the gun against their head to make a call; let the fun begin. 7. Bird Diaper - For Polly when potty training is not an option. 8. Snif-T-Panties - Women's underwear with built in fragrance to capture the right mood; scents include rose, banana, pickles, pizza and, of course, whiskey.

INTERESTING ANAGRAMS "Dormitory" - Dirty Room "Desperation" - A Rope Ends It "The Morse Code" - Here Come Dots "Slot Machines" - Cash Lost in 'em "Animosity" - Is No Amity "Mother-in-law" - Woman Hitler "Snooze Alarms" - Alas! No More Z's "Alec Guinness" - Genuine Class "Semolina" - Is No Meal "The Public Art Galleries" - Large Picture Halls, I Bet "A Decimal Point" - I'm a Dot in Place "The Earthquakes" - That Queer Shake "Eleven plus two" - Twelve plus one "Contradiction" - Accord not in it "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." Anagram: "A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!" "President Clinton of the USA" Anagram: "To copulate he finds interns."

13 REASONS WHY A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN: You can buy a silencer for a handgun. You can trade a .44 for two .22's. You can have a handgun at home and another for the road. If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and let you try a few rounds with it. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup. Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. Handguns function normally every day of the month. A handgun won't ask, "Do these grips make me look fat?" A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you're done using it. You can have more than one handgun living in the same house without having problems. A handgun doesn't care how big your trigger finger is. A handgun won't tell all of its friends if you are a "little fast on the trigger"...

You know you are addicted to coffee if ... You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other people's fingernails. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. You don't sweat, you percolate. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. Instant coffee takes too long. You channel surf faster without a remote. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. You short out motion detectors. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. You help your dog chase its tail. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. You answer the door before people knock.

This from John Burnett IF WOMEN RAN THE UNIVERSITIES A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man--as well as earn an MA degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline. FIRST YEAR Autumn Schedule: MEN 101 Combating Stupidity MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas Winter Schedule: MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II ECON 001 A What's Hers is Hers Spring Schedule: MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers SECOND YEAR Autumn Schedule: SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down Elective (See Electives Below) Winter Schedule: MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1 Spring Schedule: MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary(Pass/Fail Only) MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2 Course Electives: EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly MEN 231 Mothers-in-law MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear" ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her

ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You A Straighten it B Ignore it C Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron. The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing" SOCIAL SKILLS Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction: *Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation *Important social contacts *A feeling of connectedness with other humans In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions: *Get it over with as soon as possible *Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant *Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects FASCINATION WITH GADGETS To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1) things that need to be fixed, and (2) things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys. FASHION AND APPEARANCE Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste. DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity. Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions: * Bill Gates * MacGyver * Etcetera Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day. HONESTY Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected. to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below "I won't change anything without asking you first." "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow." "I have to have new equipment to do my job." "I'm not jealous of your new computer." FRUGALITY Engineers are notoriously frugal (i.e. cheap). This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?" POWERS OF CONCENTRATION If there is one trait that best defines an engineer, it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it. RISK Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something. EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS * Hindenberg * Space Shuttle Challenger * SPANet(tm) * Hubble space telescope * Apollo 13 * Titanic * Ford Pinto * Corvair The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this: RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people. REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame. Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain. If that approach is not sufficient to halt the project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much." EGO Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers: * How smart they are * How many cool devices they own The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal-a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature. Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex. Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems." At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.

MILLENNIUM VOCABULARY The latest terms to add to your vocabulary in the Y2K office environment: * Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves. * Salmon day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end. * Chainsaw consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands. * CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. * Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. * Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week." * Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon. * 404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. Used as in: "Don't bother asking him... he's 404, man." * Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in: "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in. * Ohno-second - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. * Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. * Umfriend - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is , my... um... friend." * Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles. * Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running. * Mouse Potato: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Results of a "theories" contest sponsored by Omni magazine: GRAND PRIZE WINNER When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago. RUNNER-UP #1: If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille. RUNNER-UP #2: Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out. RUNNER-UP #3: Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate. RUNNER-UP #4: The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

GOD SURVEY God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following 8 questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions. 1. How did you find out about God? __ Newspaper __ Other Book __ Television __ Divine Inspiration __ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience __ Tabloid __ Burning Shrubbery __ Bible __ Torah __ who? (specify): _____________ 2. Which model God did you acquire? __ Yahweh __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet Bundle __ Jehovah __ Jesus __ Allah __ Satan __ God __ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god __ I don't know what you're talking about. 3. If taken in by a false god, which one were you taken in by? Please check all that apply. __ Odin __ Zeuz __ Bill Gates __ The Almighty Dollar __ Apollo __ Left Wing Liberalism __ The Radical Right __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ The great Spirit __ Cindy Crawford __ The Moon __ A burning cabbage __ Other: ________________ 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a god? Please check all that apply. __ Wanted to meet girls/boys __ Wanted to piss off parents __ Needed a day away from work __ Desperate need for certainty __ Like Organ Music __ Need to feel Morally Superior __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it __ I don't know 5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration? Please check all that apply. __ Tarot __ Lottery __ Astrology __ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers __ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics __ Palmistry __ Self-help books __ Biorhythms __ Alcohol __ Tea Leaves __ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert __ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle) __ Wandering around a desert __ Burning Shrubbery __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Barney Fife __ Other:_____________________ __ None 6. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)? a. More Divine Intervention b. Less Divine Intervention c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention? 7. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent): a. Disasters: flood 1 2 3 4 5 famine 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake 1 2 3 4 5 war 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence 1 2 3 4 5 plague 1 2 3 4 5 SPAM 1 2 3 4 5 AOL 1 2 3 4 5 b. Miracles: rescues 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water 1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5 Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever 1 2 3 4 5 8. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving (Attach an additional sheet if necessary): If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by August 30 you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approx. 1x10^256, depending on number of beings entered).

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God ... "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you did enormously help society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world; and yet you created that ghastly Windows System. You know... Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows 2000. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!" Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked. Bill responded-his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?" God says, "That was the screen saver".

YOU KNOW IT'S A "NO FRILLS" AIRLINE WHEN ... ...they don't sell tickets, they sell chances. ...all the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out. ...before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot. ...if you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back. ...you cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change. ...before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro. ...the Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas. ...when they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking. ...the Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway. ...you ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once." ...no movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes ...you see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane. ...all the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

Top 10 Reasons To Go To Work Naked 10. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your butt in here by 8:00!" 9. You can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan. 8. An inventive way to finally meet that hunk in Human Resources. 7. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants." 6. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse. 5. You want to see if it's like the dream. 4. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them. 3. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk. 2. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning. And the number 1 reason to go to work naked: 1. No one steals your chair.

HOW YOU CAN TELL WHEN IT'S GOING TO BE A BAD DAY HOW YOU CAN TELL WHEN IT'S GOING TO BE A BAD DAY 1) You wake up - face down on the pavement 2) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold 3) You see a "60 minutes" news team waiting for you in your office 4) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles 5) Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business 6) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city 7) Your twin sister forgets your birthday 8) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke. And then you realize you don't have a waterbed 9) Your carhorn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway 10) Your wife wakes up feeling amourous and YOU have a headache 11) Your boss tells you to not bother taking off you coat 12) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard 13) You wake up and your braces are locked together 14) You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business 15) Your daughter just got a job at the White House. As an intern 16) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife

People Who Should Be Phased Out (by George Carlin) ** Guy's who always harmonize the last few notes of "Happy Birthday." ** People over 40 who can't put on reading glasses without making self-conscious remarks about their advancing age. ** Guys who wink when they're kidding. ** Men who propose on the giant TV screen at a sports stadium. ** Guys in their fifties who flash me the peace sign and really mean it. ** People with a small patch of natural white hair who think it makes them look interesting. ** Guys with creases in their jeans. ** People who move their lips when I'm talking. ** Guys who want to shake my hand even though we just saw each other an hour ago. ** A celebrity couple who adopt a Third-World baby and call it Rain Forest. ** Guys who wear suits all day and think an earring makes them cool at night. ** Old people who tell me what the weather used to be where they used to live. ** Men who have one long uninterrupted eyebrow. ** Guys who wink and give the peace sign simultaneously. ** People who say, "Knock, Knock," when entering a room and "Beep Beep" when someone is in their path. ** People who have memorized a lot of TV-show theme songs and are proud of it. ** Women who think it's cute to have first names consisting solely of initials. ** People who give their house or car a name. ** People who give their genitals a name. ** Guys who can juggle, but only a little bit. ** Actors who drive race cars. ** Men who wear loafers without socks. Especially if they have creases in their jeans. ** Athletes and coaches who give more than a hundred percent. ** Guys who still smell like soap even in the late afternoon. ** Guys who wear their wristwatches on the inside of their wrists. ** Any man who wears a suit and a tie to a ball game. ** Guys who flash me the thumbs up sign. Especially if they're winking and making the peace sign with their other hand.

UNDERSTANDING YOUR PAYCHECK Gross pay: $1222.02 Income Tax -244.40 Outgo Tax -45.21 State Tax -5.89 Interstate -61.10 County Tax -6.11 City Tax -12.22 Rural Tax -4.44 Back Tax -1.11 Front Tax -1.16 Side Tax -1.61 Up Tax -2.22 Down Tax -1.11 Tic-Tacs -1.98 Thumbtacks -3.93 Carpet Tacks -0.98 Stadium Tax -0.69 Flat Tax -8.32 Surtax-3.46 Ma'am Tax -5.00 Parking Fee -2.60 No Pkg Fee -5.85 F.I.C.A. -10.00 T.G.I.F. -81.88 Life Ins. -9.95 Health Ins. -3.41 Disability -16.23 Ability -2.50 Liability Ins. -0.25 Dental Ins. - 4.50 Mental Ins. -4.33 Reassurance -0.11 Coffee -6.85 Coffee Cups Calendar -66.51 Floor Rental -3.06 Chair Rental -16.85 Desk Rental -4.32 Union Dues -5.85 Union Don'ts -3.77 Cash Advances -0.69 Cash Retreats -121.35 Overtime -1.26 Undertime - 54.83 Eastern Time -9.00 Central Time -8.00 Mntn Time - 7.00 Pacific Time -6.00 GMT -24.00 Bath Time -4.44 Time Out -12.21 Oxygen -10.02 Water - 16.54 Electricity -38.23 Heat -51.42 Air -46.83 Misc -144.38 Take Home Pay: $0000.02 [This is where the expression "just my 2 cents worth" came from...]

That Outgo tax really gets you.

Every time, it gets you...Dontcha wonder where it is outgoing?!

Jesus Genealogy Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of Jesus. Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on this subject. One by one, they offered their evidence............. THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN: 1. His first name was Jesus 2. He was bilingual 3. He was always being harassed by the authorities But then there were equally good arguments that....... JESUS WAS BLACK 1. He called everybody "brother" 2. He liked Gospel 3. He couldn't get a fair trial But then there were equally good arguments that....... JESUS WAS JEWISH 1. He went into His Father's business 2. He lived at home until he was 33 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God But then there were equally good arguments that....... JESUS WAS ITALIAN 1. He talked with his hands 2. He had wine with every meal 3. He used olive oil But then there were equally good arguments that....... JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN 1. He never cut his hair 2. He walked around barefoot 3. He started a new religion But then there were equally good arguments that....... JESUS WAS IRISH 1. He never got married 2. He was always telling stories 3. He loved green pastures But perhaps the most compelling evidence ......... THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN ..... 1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food 2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT 3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work

Helpful Hints for the Inexperienced American Traveler * Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean cruise includes the phrase "Free Ammo" * There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to need to know if you have experience in jungle warfare. * Do not board a cruise ship if passengers are being issued oars. * Legitimate travel agents do not dress in foreign military uniforms. * In South America, say no to anyone wanting you to deliver a suitcase of powdered sugar to their grandmother in Miami. * Consider very carefully visiting a country where the license plate motto is "Die American Pig"

ADVANCED DEGREES In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, junior, what are you up to?" "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the rabbit. "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!" "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?" "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour wolves." "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?" "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox. The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts.

A first grade teacher explained to he class that she is a liberal Democrat. She asked her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands exploded into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Jolene has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asked her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a liberal Democrat." Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?" "Why I'm a proud conservative Republican," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks why she is a conservative Republican. "Well I was brought up to believe in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly, "What if your Mom was a moron, and your Dad was a moron. What would you be then?" The youngster paused and smiled. "Then," said Jolene, "I'd be a liberal Democrat."

Words of Wisdom: ** The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. ** A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. ** Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. ** Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. ** A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. ** For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. ** He who hesitates is probably right. ** Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. ** No one is listening until you make a mistake. ** Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. ** The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. ** The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. ** The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. ** To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. ** Two wrongs are only the beginning. ** You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. ** Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. ** The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. ** A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. ** If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. ** Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. ** Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. ** If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. ** Attempt to get a new car for your spouse: it'll be a great trade! ** Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. ** Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. ** Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. ** Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. ** Borrow money from pessimists: they don't expect it back. ** Half the people you know are below average. ** 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

In the Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void. And darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this." And so God created Man in His own image; Male and female He created them. And God looked upon Man and Woman. And saw that they were lean and fit. And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach. And green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And so the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained five pounds. And so God created healthful yogurt, That Woman might keep her figure But the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds. And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds. And God said, Why doth thou eatest thus? "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables. And olive oil with which to cook them." But the Devil brought forth a chicken fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds. And his bad cholesterol went through the roof. And so God brought forth running shoes. And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds. And so God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy enter into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And the Devil cancelled Man's health insurance. So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body, while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another 10 pounds. And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva chocolate, and upon returning asked Man, "Do I look fat?" And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did. And Woman went out from the presence of Man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, East of the marriage counsellor. And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

Thank you, Ginny, for this: 19 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN by Dave Barry 1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings". 3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. 6. You should not confuse your career with your life. 7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. 8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. 9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 10. Never lick a steak knife. 11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie. 12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. 13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. 14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11. 16. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that WE are above average drivers. 17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them. 18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. 19. Your friends love you, anyway.

Success (in a nutshell) At age 4, success is: not peeing your pants. At age 12, success is: having friends. At age 20, success is: interest in the opposite sex. At age 35, success is: making money. At age 60, success is: interest in the opposite sex. At age 70, success is: having friends. At age 80, success is: not peeing your pants

Driving rules in Dallas 1. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the construction barrels. Bonus points are awarded for: (A) getting out of your car and moving the barrels (B) straddling both lanes to block the jerks behind you 2. Turn signals provide clues to your next move in the road battle, so don't use them. 3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, no matter how fast you're going. If you do, the space will be filled in by some clueless jerk, putting you in an even more dangerous situation. 4. The faster you drive through a red light, the less your chances of getting hit. 5. If you have a green light while at least 100 yards from an intersection, you can go on through, even if the light changes to red before you get there. 6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible, to insure that your anti lock braking system kicks in. This will give you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. 7. Construction signs are very carefully and thoughtfully positioned to tell you about road closures immediately after you pass your last opportunity to exit, but just before the traffic comes to a complete halt. 8. The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information, but just to tell time and make Dallas look progressive. 9. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. Passing on the shoulder is actually encouraged. That's why they're paved. 10. Speed limits are arbitrary figures to make Texas look as if it conforms with other states' policies; these are intended only as suggestions and are actually unenforceable. 11. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot. 12. Please remember there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush hour traffic on I-35 or the I-75 Central Expressway. 13. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even a person changing a tire. It could be someone you know. 14. Learn to swerve abruptly. Dallas is the home of very high speed slalom driving, thanks to the City Fathers, who put potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes. Parts of truck tires are left on new highways (where potholes haven't yet been established) for the same purpose. 15. It is considered correct in Dallas to honk your horn at drivers who don't move the instant the light changes, unless that driver is on the phone. See #18. 6. Eye contact with another driver automatically revokes your right of way. 17. Making rude gestures may invite armed retaliation. Be sure your combat shotgun is on the gun rack in the rear window (and therefore visible), rather than lying on the seat. 18. If you drive while using a cell phone, none of the usual rules apply, and you always have the right of way. 19. You don't have to wait for an exit to get off a freeway. Just follow the ruts in the grass to the frontage road like everybody else. This is how Dallas residents notify the Texas Department of Transportation where exits should have been built.

YOU HAVE BEEN INFECTED WITH THE HONOR VIRUS! Since I'm too lazy to program a real virus, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard disk drive. Then forward this message to everyone you know... Thank you for your cooperation.

Thank Gi for this contribution: WOMEN Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable. Women come in all sizes, in all colours and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with. MEN Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders.

Some Quick Thinking A feisty 70 year-old woman had to call a furnace repairman. After a quick inspection, the man put some oil into the motor and handed her a $70 bill for labor. "Labor charges! One hour?" she exclaimed. "It only took you five minutes!" The repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call. "Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor," the lady responded, and she handed him a rake. The repairman spent the next 55 minutes in her yard bagging leaves.

Things My Mother Taught Me My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!" My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why." My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about." My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!" My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!" My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished." My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room." My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?" My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!" My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your father!" My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!" THANKS, MOM!

Some funny Headlines: "Infertility unlikely to be passed on" --Montgomery Advertiser "Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men" --The Sunday Oregonian "Man shoots neighbor with machete" --The Miami Herald "Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear" --Journal of Commerce "Some phone psychics provide useless, erroneous information" --StatenIsland Sunday Advance "Iowa moves back to Pittsburgh" --The Flint Journal "Chick Accuses Some of Her Male Colleagues of Sexism": --The Los Angeles Times

You Know You're from Texas When You only know five spices: salt, pepper, Ranch dressing, BBQ Sauce, and ketchup. You design your Halloween costume to fit over Wranglers and Cowboy Boots. The mosquitoes have landing lights. You have more miles on your tractor than your car. You have 10 favorite recipes for Deer meat. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating when it was 90 degrees outside. Driving is better after it's rained because the potholes are filled with mud and you don't have to take those backroads to go "mudding." You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons. You owe more money on your bulldozer than your car. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for local sports. You can write a check at Dairy Queen for 2 Hungr-Busters and fries. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun. Your leaf-blower gets stuck on the roof. You think the start of Deer season is a national holiday. You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the coyotes won't prowl on your deck. You know which leaves make good toilet paper. The major county fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making. You find 70 degrees Fahrenheit a little chilly. The trunk of your car doubles as a sauna. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry, and your Cowboy Boots. You know 4 seasons - Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer and Deer Season You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Texan friends.

Thank you, Ginny!!! The Lesser Known Gods And Demi-Gods Of Greece: Listed below are a selected list of many of the lesser-known gods and demi-gods of Greece that have apparently been ignored or forgotten by historians for various and sundry reasons. Some of these gods were obviously important and useful in everday life habits, others apparently had no redeeming value whatsoever, but somehow achieved god- or goddesshood. Arabinose - one of the Sugar Gods. Brother of Fructose and Glucose. These three together were known as the gods of dessert [not to be confused with their father, Pancreas, the Demi-god of Dessert - see below]. Singly, but more often in threes, these largely overweight gods waddled through the countryside helping themselves to baklava and other sweet Greek pastries, often to the surprise and dismay of the citizens of the unfortunate towns and small villages they encountered. Aroma - Demi-god of Aftershave. Aroma never attained real god status and was a mere mortal. Apparently, or so the story goes, Aroma caused much irritation among the other gods because of the heavy amounts of pungent aftershave he wore each day around Mount Olympus. His smell caused so much consternation among the other Greek gods that he was soon shunned to Isle de Brut, off the coast of France, where he was left to die. However, he soon was able to fashion a raft out of used aftershave bottles and floated to Germany and eventually made his way to Cologne, where he lived out the remainder of his mortal life. Chlorox - Demi-god of Laundry. Chlorox was at one time a highly exalted god on Mount Olympus. His hand-washing methods were unparalleled and he was admired by all who employed his talents as the God of Laundry. He was doing great, well... that is, until the god Maytag appeared. Maytag immediately challenged Chlorox to a duel. They were both to take on the underwear laundry of Zeus. Chlorox used a bleaching action; Maytag used some new fangled machine action. It was doom for Chlorox. Not only did Chlorox lose to Maytag, but the bleach caused some problems with some of Zeus's colored bikini briefs. As a result, Chlorox was relegated to be sold on supermarket shelves for eternity, while Maytag was rewarded by Zeus with never having to worry about repair problems. Corolla - God of Compacts. Corolla was far ahead of his time, but never made it big with the major Olympian goddesses due to his small size. They all wanted a full-size god and Corolla could never match up. The Greek goddesses always compared him (unfairly) with the Amer-Indian gods, Buick and Cadillac. He maintained that he could far outlast Buick or Cadillac in any competition that dealt with endurance, but the goddesses didn't care. They were more interested in size than quality. Corolla eventually left Mount Olympus and travelled to the Far East, where he ended up in Japan. At least there, size did not matter. Diabetes - Goddess of Ice Cream. Mother of the sugar gods, Arabinose, Fructose, and Glucose. Diabetes hardly worked, and was often seen either sleeping or eating sweets of all kinds. Diarrhea - Goddess of Bad Water. Daughter of Peristalsis, q.v. She never married, or really did much of anything. Her pitiful eternal life was spent in the bathroom. Dyslexia - Goddess of Spelling. Unfortunately, Dyslexia failed as a goddess. Upon gaining goddesshood, Dyslexia was asked by Zeus to choose a subject for which she could be revered by Greeks for all time. She chose spelling, but had a terrible time accomplishing much in that endeavor. Though she was the Goddess of Spelling for only a very brief period, she was in that position of authority long enough to have forever established certain conventions that have endured for eons. Some of these include establishing the Greek alphabet which, like Cyrillic, is totally undecipherable to most mortals. She is also known for coining the phrase "It's Greek to me" when asked by the other gods and goddesses what a particular word meant that she created. Egregious - God of Errors. Though he spent virtually all his life with the other gods and goddesses on Mount Olympus, he is rumored to have left for a short vacation to the south of France where he met and had an affair with the French goddess, Faux Pas. Egregious was one of the smartest gods on Mount Olympus. In fact, many thought he might be as smart as Zeus, though no one would ever admit this publicly. However, his unfortunate habit of making so many mistakes kept him from becoming one of tha better-known gods. When asked how someone so smart could make so many stupid mistakes, his reply was always "You learn from your mistakes. Obviously, I've made so MANY mistakes, I've become a genius!" Melanoma - God of Tanning. Often seen away from Mount Olympus and down along the sandy beaches of southern Greece, Melanoma could have been ranked up there with the other major gods of his time. He was strong, handsome, and had a body that attracted all the goddesses. His only major fault was getting involved with the mortal Macedonian strip queen, Ultra Violet. The two of them constantly played naked in the sun along the Greek shoreline. Zeus, upon seeing Melanoma cavorting with a non- Olympian, decided to punish him by taking away his immortality. This didn't seem to bother Melanoma at first and he continued to associate with Ultra Violet and played in the buff each day. Soon though, Melanoma started to notice small dark patches on his skin that eventually became cancerous. He died a quick, but horrible death, with Ultra Violet at his side till the very end. Ozone - God of Memory. Ozone was another failed god. Upon attaining godhood, Zeus asked Ozone to choose the subject for which he would be revered for all time. He chose Memory. To celebrate his attaining full godliness, Ozone married his school sweetheart, Amnesia. However, their foggy relationship soon resulted in the complete loss of all the records of all the great gods on Mount Olympus. Zeus retaliated by immediately expelling Ozone to Southern California, where he was held prisoner in the dreaded "Inversion Layer" along with the evil nether-world dragon- god of progress and technology, Smog. Pancreas - Demi-god of Dessert. Father of the sugar gods, Arabinose, Fructose, and Glucose. Pancreas was a short-lived god who spent most of his time on coffee breaks eating donuts. His marriage to Diabetes was no help to him at all and he died soon after they had their three sons. Zirconia - Goddess of Costume Jewelry. Often in direct competition with the goddesses Titanium and Platinum, Zirconia was pretty much always relegated to being allowed only to attend the lesser parties on Mount Olympus at which the great gods and goddesses were rarely present. As a result, Zirconia was subsequently ignored by most historians and now only shows up on the backs of magazines for really cheap prices.

Newspaper Readers The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country. The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't understand the Washington Post. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country, as long as they do something scandalous. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.

Ginny, the Lesser Known Gods and Demi-gods of Ancient Greece was just too funny. It was great.

Cheryl, I tried reading it aloud to the house male and fell on the bed in helpless and incoherent laughter. He just shook his head in dismay. OH well... TEXAS SAYINGS 1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it. 2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows. 3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. 4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals & ammunition & bait in the same store. 5. Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive. 6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?" 7. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle. 8. If you hear a redneck exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say. 9. Get used to the phrase "It's not the heat, it's the humidity." And the collateral phrase "You call this hot? Wait'll August." 10. There ain't no deli's. Don't ask. 11. In conversation, never put your hand on a man's shoulder when making a point, especially in a bar. 12. Chili does NOT have beans in it. 13. Brisket is not "cooked" in an oven. 14. Don't tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares. 15. If you think it's too hot, don't worry. It'll cool down -- in December. 16. We do TOO have 4 Seasons: December, January, February, and Summer! 17. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F-150 is. 18. If someone tells you "Don't worry, those peppers aren't hot," you can be certain they are. 19. If you fail to heed the warning in #18, be sure to have a bowl of guacamole handy. Water won't do it. 20. Rocky Mountain oysters are NOT oysters. Don't ask. 21. If someone says they're fixin to do something, that doesn't mean anything's broken. 22. Don't even think of ordering a strawberry daiquiri. What you really mean to say is "margarita." 23. If you don't understand our passion for college and high school football, just keep your mouth shut. 24. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but the availability of shade. 25. If you are a slow-moving vehicle on a two-lane road, pull onto the shoulder. That is called courtesy. 26. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hot dogs outdoors. 27. No matter what you've seen on TV, line dancing is not a popular weekend pastime. 28. Tea = Iced Tea. There is no other kind. 29. Everything goes better with Ranch dressing.

THINGS DOGS MUST TRY TO REMEMBER THE GARBAGE COLLECTOR IS NOT STEALING OUR STUFF. I DO NOT NEED TO SUDDENLY STAND STRAIGHT UP WHEN I'M LYING UNDER THE COFFEE TABLE. I WILL NOT ROLL MY TOYS BEHIND THE FRIDGE. I MUST SHAKE THE RAINWATER OUT OF MY FUR BEFORE ENTERING THE HOUSE. I WILL NOT EAT THE CATS' FOOD, BEFORE OR AFTER THEY EAT IT. I WILL STOP TRYING TO FIND THE FEW REMAINING PIECES OF CLEAN CARPET IN THE HOUSE WHEN I AM ABOUT TO GET SICK. I WILL NOT THROW UP IN THE CAR. I WILL NOT ROLL ON DEAD SEAGULLS, FISH, CRABS, ETC. "KITTY BOX CRUNCHIES" ARE NOT FOOD. I WILL NOT EAT ANY MORE SOCKS AND THEN REDEPOSIT THEM IN THE BACKYARD AFTER PROCESSING. THE DIAPER PAIL IS NOT A COOKIE JAR. I WILL NOT CHEW MY HUMAN'S TOOTHBRUSH AND NOT TELL THEM. I WILL NOT CHEW CRAYONS OR PENS, ESPECIALLY NOT THE RED ONES, OR MY PEOPLE WILL THINK I AM HEMORRHAGING. WHEN IN THE CAR, I WILL NOT INSIST ON HAVING THE WINDOW ROLLED DOWN WHEN IT'S RAINING OUTSIDE. WE DO NOT HAVE A DOORBELL. I WILL NOT BARK EACH TIME I HEAR ONE ON TV. I WILL NOT STEAL MY MOM'S UNDERWEAR AND DANCE ALL OVER THE BACK YARD WITH IT. THE SOFA IS NOT A FACE TOWEL. NEITHER ARE MOM & DAD'S LAPS. MY HEAD DOES NOT BELONG IN THE REFRIGERATOR. I WILL NOT BITE THE OFFICER'S HAND WHEN HE REACHES IN FOR MOM'S DRIVER'S LICENSE AND CAR REGISTRATION. I WILL NOT PLAY TUG-OF-WAR WITH DAD'S UNDERWEAR WHEN HE'S ON THE TOILET.

RULES OF THE AIR 1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory. 2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again. 3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous. 4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here. 5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. 6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating. 7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky. 8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again. 9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself. 10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp. 11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa. 12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier. 13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds. 14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made. 15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are. 16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck. 17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them. 18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be. 19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. 20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment. 21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible. 22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed. 23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal. 24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

New measurements Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: EskimoPi 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Wonton 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1microscope Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1billigram Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 liteyear 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 RodSerling Half of a large intestine: 1semicolon 1000 aches: 1megahurtz Basic unit of laryngitis: 1hoarsepower Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line 453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake 1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone 1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles 365.25 days: 1 unicycle 2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds 10 cards: 1 decacards 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 FigNewton 1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche 1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin 10 rations: 1 decoration 100 rations: 1 C-ration 2 monograms: 1 diagram 8 nickels: 2 paradigms 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V.League 100 Senators: Not 1 decision

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTH LEVEL OF INSANITY 1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) 3) Insist that your e mail address is: Xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or Elvis-the-King@companyname.com 4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. 6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN." 7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. 8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.' 10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think." 11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy." 12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way. 13) Don't use any punctuation 14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 15) Ask people what sex they are. 16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 17) Sing Along at the opera. 18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. 19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.) 20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom. 21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. 22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. 23) Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies. 24) Call the psychic hotline and just say, "Guess" 25) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard. 26) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!" 27) When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!" 28) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do" 29) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go" 30) Everytime you see a broom yell "Honey, your mother is here"

If men truly ran the world . . . Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it. Birth control would come in ale or lager. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month. Garbage would take itself out. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle". Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps". Tanks would be far easier to rent. Two words..."Ally McNaked". When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off". People would never talk about how fresh they felt. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!". When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you". The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right Into your car like Fred Flintstone. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

THINGS I WISH I'D KNOWN BEFORE I WENT OUT IN THE REAL WORLD 1. Never give yourself a haircut after three martinis. 2. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 3. When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste. 4. Never continue dating anyone whom is rude to the waiter. 5. Good sex should involve laughter. Because it's, you know, funny! 6. A person needs only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape. 7. Never ride a motorcycle when you're drunk. 8. Never pass up an opportunity to use the bathroom. 9. Work is good but it's not important!

*****T-Shirt Sayings***** - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. - A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. - Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. - Put on your seatbelt... I wanna try something. - The Universe is a figment of its own imagination. - There's no future in time travel. - Tonight's weather: Dark with continued darkness until dawn. - Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! - If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? - Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface. - Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. - A day without sunshine is like night. - There are three kinds of people: Those who can count; those who can't. - Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? - What happens if you get scared half to death twice? - Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. - Chocolate: the OTHER major food group. - If you can't convince them, confuse them. - Death is hereditary. - I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. - I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. - Multitasking - screwing up several things at once. - Beat the 5 o'clock rush - Leave work at noon! - I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. - Arachibutyrophobia: fear of peanut butter sticking to roof of mouth. - Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. - Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. - Polynesia: memory loss in parrots. - A good pun is its own reword. - Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them. - I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure. - I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. - Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? - Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! - To err is human, to moo bovine. - For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. - Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate. - Man who smoke pot choke on handle. - Kurt Cobain Soft Drink: it's extremely bitter and it has no head. - MicroSloth: "Bringing you ten-year-old technology, tomorrow, maybe." - How does Teflon stick to the pan? - OK, so what's the speed of dark? - Teacher: "Simon, can you say your name backwards?" Simon: "No Mis" - Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? - Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! - Black holes are where God divided by zero. - All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. - Mary had a little lamb....and Mulder was determined to find out why. - There's an exception to every rule, except this one. - In Dog Years I'm Dead - I am Woman, I am invincible, I am tired - Age and Treachery will always Overcome Youth and Skill - TEAM EFFORT Is a lot of people doing what I say - I'm not unemployed, I'm a consultant

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. (P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION (P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement (S) Almost replaced left inside main tire (P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough, (S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft (P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid, (S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4propellers lack normal seepage (P) Something loose in cockpit (S) Something tightened in cockpit (P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear (S) Evidence removed (P) DME volume unbelievably loud (S) Volume set to more believable level (P) Dead bugs on windshield (S) Live bugs on order (P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a200 fpm descent (S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground (P) IFF inoperative (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick (S) That's what they're there for (P) Number three engine missing (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search (P) Aircraft handles funny (S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "flyright" and be serious (P) Target Radar hums (S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words

earn money by reading email on the net??!! @themail.com Get paid to read email... well, that's what this site is trying to promote. You get a free email account, and then you have to try to persuade other people to join TheMail and use their email account. Every time the people you refer send a message, you earn $0.0025 (no, that's not a mistake, it's really as low as 1/4 cent!). For every email read by people your referrals refer, you'll get $0.0005. Since the minimum payment level is $30, the chances you'll ever get paid are astronomically small - so treat this as a normal free email service and forget the earning money nonsense that goes along with it!

loved the maintenance complaints ..I know just who to send that to!!!!!!

*grin* Yup!!! Signs Found in Kitchens 1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious. 2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 3. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. 4. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap. 5. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 6. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 7. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. 8. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. 9. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out. 10. Housework done properly can kill you. 11. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. 12. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

An Internet Fairy Tale Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. The Executive Branch said someone may steal from it at night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired a person for the job. Then the Executive Branch said, How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two (2) people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12 and one person to do time studies, GS-11. Then the Executive Branch said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Q. C. position and hired two (2) people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports. Then the Executive Branch said, "How are these people going to get paid?" so they created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two (2) people. Then the Executive Branch said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative position and hired three (3) people, an Admin. Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin. Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08. Then the Executive Branch said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $280,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost," So they laid off the night watchman.

In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms. ------------------------------------------------------------ On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, NM, an incident they say has been covered up by the military. On March 31, 1948, exactly nine months after that day, Al Gore was born. That clears up a lot of things.

That explains it!

The Bell Curve of Life: At age 4...success is....not peeing in your pants. At age 12...success is....having friends. At age 16...success is....having a drivers license. At age 20...success is....having sex. At age 35...success is....having money. At age 50...success is....having money. At age 60...success is....having sex. At age 70...success is....having a drivers license. At age 75...success is....having friends. At age 80...success is....not peeing in your pants.

GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. 1. How did you find out about your deity? __ Newspaper __ Bible __ Torah __ Television __ Book of Mormon __ Divine Inspiration __ Dead Sea Scrolls __ Near Death Experience __ Near Life Experience __ National Public Radio __ Tabloid __ Burning Shrubbery __ Other (specify): _____________ 2. Which model deity did you acquire? __ Jehovah __ Jesus __ Krishna __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak] __ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak] __ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak] __ Allah __ Satan __ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature __ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer) __ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin) __ None of the above (taken in by a false god) 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? __ Yes __ No If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply: __ Not eternal __ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos __ Not omniscient __ Not omnipotent __ Permits sex outside of marriage __ Prohibits sex outside of marriage __ Makes mistakes __ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people __ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people __ When beseeched, He doesn't stay beseeched 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply. __ Indoctrinated by parents __ Needed a reason to live __ Indoctrinated by society __ Needed focus in whom to despise __ Imaginary friend grew up __ Hate to think for myself __ Wanted to meet girls/boys __ Fear of death __ Wanted to piss off parents __ Needed a day away from work __ Desperate need for certainty __ Like organ music __ Need to feel morally superior __ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool __ Shit was falling out of the sky __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it 5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply. __ Baal __ The Almighty Dollar __ Left Wing Liberalism __ The Radical Right __ Beelzebub __ Bill Gates __ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur __ The Great Spirit __ The Great Pumpkin __ The Sun __ The Moon __ Elvis __ Other: ________________ 6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply. __ Tarot __ Lottery __ Astrology __ Television __ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers __ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics __ Palmistry __ Alcohol __ Amway __ CompuServe __ Jimmy Swaggert __ Wandering around a desert __ Insurance policies __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Other:_____________________ 7. God attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent): a. Disasters: 1 2 3 4 5 flood 1 2 3 4 5 famine 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake 1 2 3 4 5 war 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence 1 2 3 4 5 plague 1 2 3 4 5 Spam 1 2 3 4 5 AOLers b. Miracles: 1 2 3 4 5 rescues 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over jerkwater towns 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water 1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever 8. From time to time God makes available the names and addresses of His followers and devotees to selected divine personages who provide quality services and perform intercessions on His behalf. Are you interested in a compilation of listed offerings? __ Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for the benefit of my immortal soul __ No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious fanatics clamoring for my money 9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary)

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car? Why is there a road sign that says "Braille Institute, Next Exit"? Can atheists get insurance for acts of God? If procrastinators had a club, would they ever have a meeting? If the No. 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still No. 2? Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here and there? When you go into a hotel, you always see reception. Why do you never just see ception? If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously? If genetic scientists crossed a chicken with a zebra, would they get a four-legged chicken with its own bar code? If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice? Why is there always one in every crowd? If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit? Who decided "Hotpoint" would be a good name for a company that sells refrigerators? How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

TECHNOLOGICALLY CHALLENGED Just in case you think you are TC ("Technologically Challenged"). The following is an excerpt from an article in the Wall Street journal: 1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where is the "Any" key. 2. AST Technical support has a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. 3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. The customer had stuck labels on the diskettes, then rolled them into his typewriter to type on the labels. 4. Another customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later, a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies. 5. A Dell technician advised a customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room. 6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the tech discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key. 7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling a tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washed them individually. 8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally. 9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had tried turning the computer screen to face the printer, but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer. 10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse. 11. Another customer called a Compaq Tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen, When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What Power switch?" 12. True story from a Novel Net Wire sysop: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you? Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer," Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive This as part of a promotional, at a trade show?" Caller: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it!" At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He Was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM Drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive! 13. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with that disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first. THERE NOW, DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER!

I feel better.

*laugh* This May Explain A Lot New research indicates that incompetent people tend not to know they are incompetent. Not only that, they also tend to be very confident that they know what they're doing -- even more confident of their own competence than people who really do know what they're doing. The New York Times reports that Cornell University psychology professor David Dunning reached those conclusions in a study he conducted with a graduate student, and wrote about his findings in the December 1999 issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. The researchers concluded that one reason incompetent people do not know how much they do not know, is that the cognitive skills required to be competent are also required for recognizing actual competence. Researcher Justin Kruger told the Times that the incompetence of incompetent people "robs them of their ability to realize" they have a problem. It also makes it difficult for incompetent folks to recognize competence in others. By the way, the researchers say they also noticed that people who can't tell a joke tend not to realize that they're not funny -- and as a result they persist in telling jokes badly. -From the National Association of Science Writers