USEFUL PHRASES: 1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 3. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 4. No, my powers can only be used for good. 5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care. 6. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication. 7. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 8. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again... 11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 12. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 13. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 14. How about never? Is never good for you? 15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 16. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 17. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... 18. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 19. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. 20. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 21. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

The Top Things Overheard at Medieval Medical School "Don't bite it! You need to swallow it alive for it to work!" "They should translate these obscure medical terms into something easy, like Latin." "It may seem like pointless superstition to you youngsters, but I haven't washed these hands since my first delivery 37 years ago." "What do you mean we're out of wild boar snout?!?" "Headache? Take two spotted salamanders and call me in the morning." "Arthur, Schmarthur. What kind of insurance dost thou have?" "Goodwoman Thurmond, to you a son is born. 'Strom' shall he be called." "Now, remove the speculum from the fire and insert it thusly..." "No, no, push that yellow stuff back in. That's pus from the *good* fairy!" "Good knight, thy speed at treating boils is unsurpassed in all the kingdom! Thou shalt be called 'Sir Lance-a-lot'." "Come now Hypoglycies, how can too much sugar possibly be bad for you?" "Gesundheit! Now be sure to wipe that off his liver."

Many many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a daughter Who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife. To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy, I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother. Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mom And it surely makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, She is my grandma too. If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!

A dog owner in Dallas had a pit bull that hated to walk. He kept sitting down and bracing his feet so that his owner would have to drag him by his leash. The owner finally gave up when he realized that he was creating a . . . bottomless pit! I have a dog that talks in its sleep but one day a visitor was astonished to hear the dog bellow "My name is Christopher Columbus! I am seven hundred years old! I own America! I married Marilyn Monroe!" When the visitor asked what was going on, I replied,... "Don't worry about it. . . . just let sleeping dogs lie." In the early 1700s, the captain of a Spanish pirate ship was very proud of his mongrel pet for its ability to bark once for "Si," and twice for "No." After being captured by a British commander, the dog was taught the same trick in English. He thereby became . . . the world's first "Si" and "Aye" dog! One time my father accompanied me when I took my dog out for his evening constitutional. My dog is rather finicky about where he "does it." I wondered aloud about the criterion he uses to select a spot. My father replied, ... "it's a process of elimination!"

Hey, when did you change the wallpaper? Have I been away that long?

It was done a few days ago. This was the first choice but I had to pick the really weird one through which no one could read and it was put up instead. This is much better. Originally, it had a beautiful blue sky with puffy white clouds...

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH He went into his father's business He lived at home until he was 33 He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and His Mother was sure he was God THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH He never got married He was always telling stories He loved green pastures THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN His first name was Jesus He was bilingual He was always being harassed by the authorities THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN He talked with his hands He had wine with every meal He worked in the building trades THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK He liked Gospel He called everybody "brother" He couldn't get a fair trial THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN He never cut his hair He walked around barefoot He started a new religion THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN He had to feed a crowd, at a moments notice, when there was no food He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it. Even when He was dead He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do.

We had the meanest mother in the whole world! While other kids ate candy for breakfast, we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast. When others had a Pepsi and a Twinkie for lunch, we had to eat sandwiches. And you can guess our mother fixed us a dinner that was different from what other kids had, too. Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all times. You'd think we were convicts in a prison. She had to know who our friends were, and what we were doing with them. She insisted that if we said we would be gone for an hour, we would be gone for an hour or less. We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve to break the Child Labor Laws by making us work. We had to wash the dishes, make the beds, learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, and all sorts of cruel jobs. I think she would lie awake at night thinking of more things for us to do. She always insisted on us telling the truth the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. By the time we were teenagers, she could read our minds. Then, life was really tough! Mother wouldn't let our friends just honk the horn when they drove up. They had to come up to the door so she could meet them. While everyone else could date when they were 12 or 13, we had to wait until we were 16. Because of our mother we missed out on lots of things other kids experienced. None of us have ever been caught shoplifting, vandalizing other's property, or ever arrested for any crime. It was all her fault. Now that we have left home, we are all God-fearing, educated, honest adults. We are doing our best to be mean parents just like Mom was. I think that's what's wrong with the world today. It just doesn't have enough mean moms anymore.

I am sending this to my son (the meanest mom story)...he will say it applies to me very well. Excellent. Motherhood is not a popularity contest...and you have to love them enough to take the extra effort to teach them the right way. It is so much easier and less painful than correcting errors once they are made.

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN Compliment her, respect her, honor her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, hold her, go to the ends of the Earth for her. HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN Show up naked. Bring food.

GUY DEFINITIONS "I'M GOING FISHING" Translated:* I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." "IT'S A GUY THING" Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical". "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?" "UH HUH", "SURE, HONEY", OR "YES, DEAR" Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Translated:* "I have no idea how it works." "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU* IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Translated:* "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra." "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD". Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Translated:* "Are you still talking?" "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES". Translated:* "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." "OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt." "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING". Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon." "I CAN'T FIND IT." Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Translated:* "What did you catch me at?" "I HEARD YOU." Translated:* "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." Translated:* "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse." "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Translated:* "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving." "I'M NOT LOST.* I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."

One day an expert in time management was speaking to a group of business students and, to drive home a point, he used an illustration those students will never forget. As he stood in front of the group of high-powered overachievers he said, "Okay, time for a quiz." Then he pulled out a one-gallon, wide-mouthed Mason jar and set it on the table in front of him. Then he produced about a dozen fist-sized rocks and carefully placed them, one at a time, into the jar. When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit inside, he asked, "Is this jar full?" Everyone in the class said, "Yes." Then he said, "Really?" He reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of gravel. Then he dumped some gravel in and shook the jar causing pieces of gravel to work themselves down into the space between the big rocks. Then he asked the group once more, "Is the jar full?" By this time the class was on to him. "Probably not," one of them answered. "Good!" he replied. He reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand. He started dumping the sand in the jar and it went into all of the spaces left between the rocks and the gravel. Once more he asked the question, "Is this jar full?" "No!" the class shouted. Once again he said, "Good." Then he grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it in until the jar was filled to the brim. Then he looked at the class and asked, "What is the point of this illustration?" One eager beaver raised his hand and said, "The point is, no matter how full your schedule is, if you try really hard you can always fit some more things in it." "No," the speaker replied, "that's not the point. The truth this illustration teaches us is: If you don't put the big rocks in first, you'll never get them in at all." What are the 'big rocks' in your life? Your significant other. Your children... Your health... Your loved ones... Your job... A worthy cause... Teaching or mentoring others.... Doing things that you love... Time for yourself... Your dreams... Remember to put these BIG ROCKS in first or you'll never get them in at all. This example equally illustrates how if you sweat the little stuff (the gravel, the sand) then you'll fill your life with little things that don't really matter, and you'll never have the time you need to spend on the important stuff (the big rocks). So, tonight, or in the morning, when you are reflecting on this short story, ask yourself: "What are the 'big rocks' in my life?" Then, put them ALL in your jar first.

NEW HOLIDAY First MCI and Sprint, now ~ Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticky points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this. A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful."

A Programmer's Christmas 'Twas the night before implementation and all through the house, Not a program was working not even a browse. The programmers hung by their tubes in despair, with hopes that a miracle would soon be there. The users were nestled all sung in their beds, while visions of inquiries danced in their heads. When out in the machine room there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter. And what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a super programmer (with a six-pack of beer). His resume glowed with experience so rare, he turned out great code with a bit-pusher's flair. More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, and he cursed and muttered and called them by name: On update! on add! on inquiry! on delete! on batch jobs! on closing! on functions complete! His eyes were glazed-over, fingers nimble and lean, from weekends and nights in front of a screen. A wink of his eye, and a twitch of his head, soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, turning specs into code; then turned with a jerk; And laying his finger upon the "ENTER" key, the systems came up and worked perfectly. The updates updated; the deletes, they deleted; the inquiries inquired, and closings completed. He tested each whistle, and tested each bell, with nary an abend, and all had gone well. The system was finished, the tests were concluded. The users' last changes were even included. And the user exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt, "It's just what I asked for, but not what I want!"

A selection of carols for your dysfunctional friends: SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and . . . PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming to Get Me. PERSONALITY DISORDERS: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why. DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All Is Flat, All Is Lonely. PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away). BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire. OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle

LOL! too funny Marcia! :-)

If this is anything like Happy99 you will hate yourself for opening it. I hand-picked the files out of my system files just to get rid of it - TWICE!!! Warning: On December 31, 1999, you may receive an email called, "Happy New Year"... Do not open it, it contains a deadly virus...it will erase windows from your computer along with many other program files. Please pass this message along to your friends as soon as you can... This is not a hoax.... This was reported on CNN on Tuesday the 2nd November 1999!

What if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men? They would have asked directions Arrived on time Helped deliver the baby Cleaned the stable Made a casserole, and Brought practical gifts! Thanks, Esbee!

Seasons Greetings (after the lawyers are done) Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . . . . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2000, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee. (By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.) -=+=-

EMERGENCY CAMPING TIPS Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match. Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants. A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes. The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills. While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle. Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience. You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass. You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese. The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians. When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on. Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone. A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup. A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck. In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear. The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling. The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle. It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home. Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears. When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant. In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate. -=+=-

22 Signs That You Have Had Too Much of the '90s 1. You tried to enter your password on the microwave. 2. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted." 3. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years. 4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 5. You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?" 6. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site. 7. You chat twice daily with a stranger from Perth, but haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year. 8. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page. 9. Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play. 10. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains echinacea. 11. You check your blow dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant. 12. Your grandma e-mails you asking for a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. 13. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. 14. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen. 15. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid. 16. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you. 17. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. 18. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 19. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow. 20. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet. 21. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. 22. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

MORE BUMPER SNICKERS - thank you, John! Everyone has a photographic memory. Not everyone has film. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it, Done it, Can't remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. I feel like I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe. He's not dumb, he's electroencephalographically challenged. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June flower. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be Misquoted, and used against you. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Atheism is a nonprophet organization. On the other hand, you have different fingers. All generalizations are false. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart... He who laughs last thinks slowest. It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once. I get enough exercise pushing my luck Sometimes I wake up grumpy+ADs- other times I just let him sleep Sorry, I don't date outside my species Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges. I took an IQ test and it came back negative. OK, who stopped payment on my reality check. I don't suffer from insanity -- I enjoy every moment of it. According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist. Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. Always remember that you are unique, just like everyone else. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

The Three Trees Once there were three trees on a hill in the woods. They were discussing their hopes and dreams when the first tree said, "Someday I hope to be a treasure chest. I could be filled with gold, silver and precious gems. I could be decorated with intricate carving and everyone would see the beauty. "Then the second tree said, "Someday I will be a mighty ship. I will take kings and queens across the waters and sail to the corners of the world. Everyone will feel safe in me because of the strength of my hull." Finally the third tree said, "I want to grow to be the tallest and straightest tree in the forest. People will see me on top of the hill and look up to my branches, and think of the heavens and God and how close to them I am reaching. I will be the greatest tree of all time and people will always remember me." After a few years of praying that their dreams would come true, a group of woodsmen came upon the trees. When one came to the first tree he said, "This looks like a strong tree, I think I should be able to sell the wood to a carpenter" ... and he began cutting it down. The tree was happy, because he knew that the carpenter would make him into a treasure chest. At the second tree a woodsman said, "This looks like a strong tree, I should be able to sell it to the shipyard." The second tree was happy because he knew he was on his way to becoming a mighty ship. When the woodsmen came upon the third tree, the tree was frightened because he knew that if they cut him down his dreams would not come true. One of the woodsmen said, "I don't need anything special from my tree so I'll take this one," and he cut it down. When the first tree arrived at the carpenters, he was made into a feed box for animals. He was then placed in a barn and filled with hay. This was not at all what he had prayed for. The second tree was cut and made into a small fishing boat. His dreams of being a mighty ship and carrying kings had come to an end. The third tree was cut into large pieces and left alone in the dark. The years went by, and the trees forgot about their dreams. Then one day, a man and woman came to the barn. She gave birth and they placed the baby in the hay in the feed box that was made from the first tree. The man wished that he could have made a crib for the baby, but this manger would have to do. The tree could feel the importance of this event and knew that it had held the greatest treasure of all time. Years later, a group of men got in the fishing boat made from the second tree. One of them was tired and went to sleep. While they were out on the water, a great storm arose and the tree didn't think it was strong enough to keep the men safe. The men woke the sleeping man, and he stood and said, "Peace" and the storm stopped. At this time, the tree knew that it had carried the King of Kings in its boat. Finally, someone came and got the third tree. It was carried through the streets as the people mocked the man who was carrying it. When they came to a stop, the man was nailed to the tree and raised in the air to die at the top of a hill. When Sunday came, the tree came to realize that it was strong enough to stand at the top of the hill and be as close to God as was possible, because Jesus had been crucified on it. The moral of this story is that when things don't seem to be going your way, always know that God has a plan for you. If you place your trust in Him, He will give you great gifts. Each of the trees got what they wanted, just not in the way they had imagined. We don't always know what God's plans are for us. We just know that His ways are not our ways, but His ways are always best.

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHO TO MARRY? "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10 "No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10 WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? "Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10 HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? "Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, age 6 "You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? "Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? "Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." Lynnette, age 8 "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10 WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? "I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9 WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE? "When they're rich." Pam, age 7 "The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7 "The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8 IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? "It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, age 9 "Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." Kirsten, age 10 HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? "There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8 HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? "If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes, especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it." Lori, age 8

* Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar * December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards. December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3 Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pinecones, fashion cat-o-nine tails. Flog gardener. December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. December 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself. December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. December 7 Debug Windows '98. December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. December 11 Lay Faberge egg. December 12 Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. December 13 Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts. December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house. December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall. December 17 Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire. December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive touch to the pasture. December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices, and cinnamon sticks. December 22 Float votive candles in toilet. December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas. December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are. December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri. December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phyllum. December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God. December 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

Billionaire Martha can just about do what she wants since her IPO.

This is true, but it does not make me like her one iota more than I do right now, and that is about zilch. No jealousy - I just cannot stand to be around pushy women...

A snail can sleep for three years. All polar bears are left handed. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class. Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age. Butterflies taste with their feet. Cats urine glows under a black light. China has more English speakers than the United States. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear any pants. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. Humans and monkeys are the only species that have sex for pleasure. I am. is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck. If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (knowledge IS power) If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you will have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (but not in this case) In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. Marilyn Monroe had six toes. (or was that twelve) Michael Jordan gets more money from Nike annually than ALL of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. No word in the English language rhymes with month. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death. One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the 1930's lobbied against hemp farmers-they saw it as competition. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'. Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (wow!!..."here kittykitty..!!! :) Starfish haven't got brains. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. The electric chair was invented by a dentist. (WHY does this not surprise me??) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. The most common name in the world is Mohammed. (I thought it was Ching) The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with. The name Wendy was made up for the book 'Peter Pan'. The Pentagon in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as necessary. When it was built in the 1940's, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites. (I thought it was because the military is full of sh*t!) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left. (To the mental defective who had the time on his or her hands to compile this stupid list, there is a word for that. It's called a "pallindrome.")

Automobile Acronyms AUDI Accelerates Under Demonic Influence Always Unsafe Designs Implemented BMW Beautiful Mechanical Wonder Big Money Works Bought My WifeBrutal Money Waster BUICK Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer CHEVROLET Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time DODGE Darn Old Dirty Gas EaterDrips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere FIAT Failure in Italian Automotive Technology Fix It All the TimeFix It Again, Tony! FORD First On Recall DayFirst On Rust and DeteriorationFix Or Repair Daily Found On Road, Dead Fault Of Research & Development Fast Only Rolling Downhill Features O.J. & Ron`s DNAbackwards; Driver Returns On Foot GM General MaintenanceGMCGarage Man`s CompanionGot A Mechanic Coming? HONDA Had One, Never Did Again Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else HYUNDAI Hope You Understand Nothing`s Driveable And Inexpensive MAZDA Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along OLDSMOBILE Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday. Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick`s Irregular Leftover Equipment SAAB Send Another Automobile BackSwedish Automobiles Always Breakdown. TOYOTA Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto VOLVO Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object VW Virtually Worthless *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

30 Signs You Are No Longer A Kid...... 1.) You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. 2.) Your back goes out more than you do. 3.) You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 4.) You buy a compass for the dash of your car. 5.) You are proud of your lawn mower. 6.) Your best friend is dating someone half their age ..... and isn't breaking any laws. 7.) Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. 8.) You sing along with the elevator music. 9.) You would rather go to work than stay home sick. 10.) You constantly talk about the price of gasoline. 11.) You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. 12.) You consider coffee one of the most important things in life. 13.) You make an appointment to see the dentist. 14.) You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 15.) Neighbors borrow your tools. 16.) People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?" 17.) You have a dream about prunes. 18.) You answer a question with, "because I said so!" 19.) You send money to PBS. 20.) The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants. 21.) You take a metal detector to the beach. 22.) You wear black socks with sandals. 23.) You know what the word "equity" means. 24.) You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television. 25.) Your ears are hairier than your head. 26.) You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn. 27.) You get into a heated argument about pension plans. 28.) You got cable for the weather channel. (My uncle calls the Weather Channel "Old Folks MTV.") 29.) You can go bowling without drinking. 30.) You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year's incoming freshmen. Here is 1999's list: 1. The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980. 2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and didn't know he had ever been shot. 3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. 4. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression. 5. There has been only one Pope. They can only really remember one President. 6. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War. 7. They haven't ever feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a pill to them, not a movie. 8. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. 9. Tianamen Square means nothing to them. 10. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. 11. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. 12. Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums. 13. The expressions "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them. 14. They have never owned a record player. 15. They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong. 16. Star Wars looks very fake to them, and the special effects are pathetic. 17. There have always been red M & M's and blue ones are not new. There used to be beige M & M's? 18. They may have heard of an 8 track tape player, but probably have never actually seen or heard one. 19. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were one year old. 20. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents. 21. They have always had an answering machine. 22. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they ever seen a black and white TV. 23. They have always had cable. 24. They have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is. 25. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. 26. They were born the year that the Walkman was introduced by Sony. 27. Roller-skating has always meant inline skating for them. 28. The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno. 29. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool. 30. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. 31. They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a football player. 32. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. 33. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII, or even the Civil War. 34. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran. 35. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. 36. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. 37. They have never hear: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, de plane". 38. They do not care who shot J.R., and have no idea who J.R. is. 39. The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was. 40. Michael Jackson has always been white. 41. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers. 42. There has always been MTV. Do you feel old yet?

That creaking and groaning noise you hear is coming from this antedeluvian reader. Thanks Nan - scary though, indeed!

This thoughtful post comes courtesy of Wolfie who forwarded it to me: Some new billboards are popping up all along major highways all over the country depicting some things God might say. The billboards are a simple black background with white text with no fine print or sponsoring organization listed. Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. -God C'mon over and bring the kids. -God What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand? -God We need to talk. -God Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -God Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. -God That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it. -God I love you and you and you and you and... -God Will the road you're on get you to my place? -God Follow me. -God Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. -God My way is the highway. -God Need directions? -God You think it's hot here? -God Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. -God Do you have any idea where you're going? -God (And my personal favorite...) Don't make me come down there. -God

"The Ant and the Grasshopper" CLASSIC VERSION The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold. MODERN VERSION The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Then a representative of the NAAGB (National Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with "green bias", and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green." Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the "Temperatures of the 80's." Dick Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act", retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3pm when there are no talk shows scheduled. The ant loses the case. The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of Democrats announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in America.

Politically Corrct NFL Football The National Football League recently announced a new era. From now on, no offensive team names will be permitted. While the owners of the team rush to change uniforms and such, the National Football League announced, yesterday, its name changes and schedules for the '99 season: The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall People on opening day. Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the St. Louis Wild Endangered Species, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers. In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the showdown between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans Pretty Good People. The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the Phoenix Male Finches. The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden. The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free Booters later in Week 9. And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Large Mountain Mammals. Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New England Zealous Lovers of Country.

How about the Minnesota Raping and Pillaging Nordic folks?

I like your description of what the verb to go Viking really means. They just said the Plundering Norsemen. It involved more personal contact than plunder.

> > Enclosed with this memo is a "Y2K Backup System" device designed > > to meet short time emergency needs in case of a computer > > operations failure, or operational delay.� This device is the > > company's Primary Emergency Network Computer Interface Liaison > > device (P.E.N.C.I.L.). This device has been field tested > > extensively, including certification testing, as well as volume > > and stress testing.� Properly maintained, the device meets all > > the requirements for coding and data input. Prior to use, the > > P.E.N.C.I.L., will require preparation and testing. Tools > > and supplies required will be: A sharpened knife or grinding > > device; and a supply of computer paper (with or without holes). > > > > Gripping the device firmly in your hand, proceed to scrape or > > grind the wooded end until it has a cone-like appearance.� The > > dark core area must be exposed to properly function. (Left-handed > > employees should read this sentence backwards, and then go to > > your supervisor for assistance.) > > > > Place a single sheet of computer paper on a smooth, hard surface. > > Take the backup device, place the sharpened point against the > > paper, and pull it across the paper.� If properly done, this will > > input a single line. > > > > �CAUTION: Excessive force may damage components of the device or > > damage the data reception device.� If either the P.E.N.C.I.L. or > > the paper are damaged, go back to the preparation instructions > > above. > > > > Proper use of the device will require data simulation input by > > the operator. Placing the device against the computer page > > forming symbols as closely resembling the computer lettering > > system you normally use. At the completion of each of the > > simulated letters, lift the device off the page, move it slightly > > to the right, replace it against the page, and form the next > > symbol. This may appear tedious, and somewhat redundant, but, > > with practice, you should be able to increase your speed and > > accuracy. > > > > The P.E.N.C.I.L. is equipped with a manual deletion device.� The > > device is located on the reverse end of the P.E.N.C.I.L. Error > > deletions operate similarly to the "backspace" key on your > > computer. Simply place the device against the erroneous data, and > > pull it backwards over the letters.� This should remove the > > error, and enable you to resume data entries. > > > > �CAUTION: Excessive force may damage the data reception device. > > Insufficient force, however, may result in less than acceptable > > deletion, and may require re-initialization of action as above. > > This device is designed with user maintenance in mind.� However, > > if technical support is required, you can still call your local > > computer desk supervisor at (800)-YOU-DUMMY. > >

R.I.G.H.T.

Hmmm Another acronym. Shall we know for which it stands? Ot what it stands for or whatever it means. This way too curious mind wants to know.

STUPID CRIMINAL STORIES --------------- * Two thieves did a smash-and-grab robbery of a display window at a cellular telephone store in Winston-Salem, NC. The next morning, the store manager noticed the damage when he opened for business and filed a report with the police. When investigators asked for the estimated value of the phones the manager said, "About $10. They were dummy models made out of solid plastic." * Three teenagers who grabbed a package from a woman's car in Des Moines, Iowa recently were in for an unpleasant surprise. The package contained droppings from the woman's dog. The victim said she had been walking her Cairn terrier and had used the bag to pick up after him. She said when she finished, she wrapped the 4-by-5-inch package and set it down on her car trunk. That's when the three teenagers rushed by. One grabbed the bundle and yelled, "Thank you." The victim said she looked up, saw the trio racing away, and replied, "You're welcome." She told police, "I just wish I could have seen their faces when they opened it up." * A Columbus, Ohio police officer who was instructing bank employees on what to do during a robbery was interrupted by a bank robbery. The suspect entered the bank and handed a teller a note demanding cash. He had somehow missed the uniformed police officer standing at a nearby teller window. The officer interrupted his class and tackled the robber after a short foot chase. * In a recent interview in the Los Angeles Times, "The Newlywed Game" host Bob Eubanks recalled one of his most memorable moments on the show. Eubanks asked one female contestant to remember something her husband had told her not the talk about. "She said her husband and her cousin were going to kill her uncle for the insurance money," Eubanks said. "I was even more shocked when her husband came back and matched her answer." Police officers were waiting for the husband after the show finished taping. * A New Jersey state employee resigned recently after being arrested for driving while intoxicated. He lost his job as the director of the New Jersey Division of Alcoholic Beverage Control. * A Mexican man arrived at an airport in Oakland, California carrying a faked American ID. What he apparently didn't know was that the man he was impersonating was a fugitive wanted on burglary and concealed weapons charges. * A man in Little Rock, Arkansas started a fire that destroyed a mobile home and injured the home's owner. The blaze started when the man used a cigarette lighter to look inside a gasoline can to determine if there was water inside. Our only hope is that this individual has not contributed to the human gene pool.

Maybe I have posted this before but it still applies: 11 RULES OF REAL LIFE Charles Sykes is the author of DUMBING DOWN OUR KIDS. He recently gave high school and college graduates a list of eleven things they did not learn in school. In his book, he talks about how feel-good, politically correct teaching has created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and set them up for failure in the real world. You may want to share this list with kids and parents you know... Rule #1: Life is not fair; get used to it. Rule #2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself. Rule #3: You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone until you earn both. Rule #4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure. Rule #5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity. Rule #6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes. Learn from them. Rule #7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes, and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room. Rule #8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers but life has not. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades; they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This, of course, doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life. Rule #9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off. And very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time. Rule #10: Television is NOT real life. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. Rule #11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

From John Burnett "If you take a dog in and feed it, it will remain loyal to you and never turn on you. This is the principle difference between a man and a dog" - Mark Twain A couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.' The woman wrote 'When two people love each other very much, like Bob and I, it is morally acceptapble for them to engage in sex.' And Bob wrote 'I love sex.' A man generally has two reasons for doing a thing. One that sounds good, and a real one. A man is like a fine wine. He starts out raw as grapes and it's a woman's job to stomp on him and keep him in the dark until he matures into something she'd like to have dinner with. A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. - Gloria Steinem After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "I was a fool when I married you." she replied "yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no point in two people remembering the same thing... Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher... and that is a good thing for any man. - Socrates By the time you swear you're his, Shivering and sighing, And he vows his passion is Infinite, undying, Lady make note of this: One of you is lying. - Dorothy Parker Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. Don't be sexist. Broads hate that. (Sinatra???) Don't bother getting married - just find a woman you hate and buy her a house. First, God created man. Then he had a better idea. Grow your own Dope. Plant a man. I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures. I haven't found Mr Right, but I have found Mr Cheap, Mr Sleazy and Mr Wrong. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. - Marie Corelli It begins when you sink into his arms and ends with your arms in the sink. Make love, not war - hell, do both, get married! Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished... Marriage is much like communism, it works best in theory. Men have feelings too (but who really cares) My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.' My wife told me I should be more affectionate, so I got two girlfriends. Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again. Never appeal to a man's 'better nature.' He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage. - Lazarus Long Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy. - Henry Kissinger Some say a computer is a woman, if you do something wrong, they'll remember every bit of it. Some say a computer is a man, if you had just waited one more week, you could have gotten a better model for less. Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. - Katharine Hepburn

SHORTEST BOOKS EVER WRITTEN 23. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O J Simpson 22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT 21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA 20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman 19. THE WILD YEARS by Al Gore 18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN 17. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS 16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS 15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE 14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB 13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES 12. EASY UNIX 11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE 10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN 9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN 8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY 7. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES 6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER by Art Garfunkel 5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE 4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA 3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS 2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY And the Number one World's Shortest book.... 1. THE BOOK OF VIRTUES by Bill Clinton

*ROTFLMAO! Goes great with the morning coffee...! (*snickering mischeivously)

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk. 2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson. 3. Follow the three R's: Respect for self Respect for others and Responsibility for all your actions. 4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck. 5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly. 6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship. 7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it. 8. Spend some time alone. 9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values. 10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. 11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time. 12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life. Do all you can to create a tranquil, harmonious home. 13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past. 14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality. 15. Be gentle with the earth. 16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before. 17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other. 18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it. 19. Call your mother. 20. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Childrens Books that Didn't Make the Cut 1. You Are Different and That's Bad 2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables 3. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book 4. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking 5. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence 6. The Little Sissy Who Snitched 7. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way 8. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School 9. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

You Might Be A Rural Texas Peace Officer if... If your hat, belt and boots cost more than your sidearm. If you know what a 'court gun' is. If you have a 'court gun'. If directions to a location involve livestock, property descriptions, or the words "When you get off the pavement." If the winner of the last three bar room brawls was last year's Homecoming Queen. Dressing up for court involves pressed Wranglers and a Brushpopper shirt. If anyone on the Department is named 'Bubba'. If you don't know Bubba's real name. If Bubba is his real name. If you've ever gotten a confession from a critter by threatening him with either his Mama or God. If your interview for the job involved the question: "Can you take a whuppin'?" If you have more weapons and ammunition in your cruiser than most small nations have in their armies. If you've ever had an 'Officer Involved Shooting' where the victim was a feral hog or other four-pawed critter with an appetite. If the calibre of your sidearm is regarded as an artillery round in Europe. You've ever had to mediate a dispute concerning the paternity of a litter of puppies. If you have the impression that the Feds regard your department as being marginally more civilized than the Viking Hordes. If you think all back-up is 30 miles away and asleep in bed. If you've ever gone to an emergency wearing only your hat, pajamas, gun and boots. If spurs are a department-issued item.

Last week I went to a seminar called STRESS AND DISEASE, by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in Psychobiology. He gave an example of a coping skill for job stress that I would like to share with you. When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this: On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that "every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested." Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company."

Survival kit for everyday living. Items Needed: Toothpick Rubber Band Band Aid Pencil Eraser Chewing Gum Mint Candy Kiss Tea Bag Why??? TOOTHPICK - to remind you to pick out the good qualities in others. RUBBER BAND - to remind you to be flexible, things might not always go the way you want, but it will work out. BAND AID - to remind you to heal hurt feelings, yours or someone else's. PENCIL - to remind you to list your blessings everyday. ERASER - To remind you that everyone makes mistakes, and its OK. CHEWING GUM - to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything. MINT - to remind you that you are worth a mint. CANDY KISS - to remind you that everyone needs a kiss or a hug everyday. TEA BAG - to remind you to relax daily and reflect on all the positive things in your life. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, share a word of praise and they always open their hearts to us. Show your friends how much you care.

Send Page Last updated: Friday - 21:53 01/21/2000, EST Incompetent People Rarely Know They Are WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The truly incompetent may never know the depths of their own incompetence, a pair of social psychologists say. ``We found again and again that people who perform poorly relative to their peers tended to think that they did rather well,'' Justin Kruger, co-author of a study on the subject, said in a telephone interview Thursday. Kruger and co-author David Dunning found that when it came to a variety of skills logical reasoning, grammar, even sense of humor people who essentially were inept never realized it, while those who had some ability were more self-critical. It had little to do with innate modesty, Kruger said, but rather with a central paradox: Incompetents lack the basic skills to evaluate their performance realistically. Once they get those skills, they know where they stand, even if that is at the bottom. Americans and Western Europeans especially had an unrealistically sunny assessment of their own capabilities, Dunning said by telephone in a separate interview, while Japanese and Koreans tended to give a reasonable assessment of their performance. In certain areas, such as athletic performance, that can be easily quantified, there is less self-delusion, the researchers said. IGNORANCE IS BLISS But even in some cases in which the failure should seem obvious, the perpetrator is blithely unaware of the problem, This was especially true in the area of logical reasoning, where research subjects students at Cornell University, where the two researchers were based often rated themselves highly even when they flubbed all questions in a reasoning test. Later, when the students were instructed in logical reasoning, they scored better on a test but rated themselves lower, having learned what constituted competence in this area. Grammar was another area in which where objective knowledge was helpful in determining competence, but the more subjective area of humor posed different challenges, the researchers said. Participants were asked to rate how funny certain jokes were, and compare their responses with what an expert panel of comedians thought. On average, participants overestimated their sense of humor by about 16 percentage points. This might be thought of as the ``above-average effect'' the notion that most Americans would rate themselves as above average, a statistical impossibility. The researchers also conducted pilot studies of doctors and gun enthusiasts. The doctors overestimated how well they had performed on a test of medical diagnoses and the gun fanciers thought they knew more than they actually did about gun safety. So who should be trusted: The person who admits incompetence or the one who shows confidence? Neither, according to Dunning. ``You can't take them at their word. You've got to take a look at performance,'' Dunning added.

Top Ten Things Men Know About Women 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.

*LOL*

Dear Lord, So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self indulgent. I have not whined, bitched, cursed, or eaten any chocolate. I have not charged on my credit card. However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot more help after that. Amen.

(*snickering)

(*smirking*) That is my feeling at 6am on this Sunday morning...

Some real ads found in the classifieds: FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG ----------------------------------- FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG. ---------------------------------- 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer ---------------------------------- AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED. ---------------------------------- SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. ---------------------------------- FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG ---------------------------------- 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15 ---------------------------------- TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800 ---------------------------------- COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE. ---------------------------------- 83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000 ---------------------------------- SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents ---------------------------------- GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. ---------------------------------- FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL. ---------------------------------- FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME. ---------------------------------- NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED *************** CALL CHUBBIE *************** ---------------------------------- BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS" ---------------------------------- SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS ---------------------------------- FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD. ---------------------------------- HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" ---------------------------------- GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER. ---------------------------------- HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB ---------------------------------- NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED ---------------------------------- FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT. ---------------------------------- AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100 ---------------------------------- TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR. ---------------------------------- EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175. ---------------------------------- OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER. ---------------------------------- JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300. ---------------------------------- LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY. ----------------------------------- ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER ---------------------------------- GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb. ---------------------------------- GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL. ---------------------------------- FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.

From John: PROVERBS FOR THE NEXT MILLENNIUM 1) Home is where you hang your @. 2) The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. 3) A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. 4) You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. 5) Great groups from little icons grow. 6) Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. 7) In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories. 8) Oh, what a tangled web site we weave when first we practice. 9) Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish. 10) The modem is the message. 11) Too many clicks spoil the browse. 12) The geek shall inherit the earth. 13) There's no place like http://www.home.com. 14) Don't byte off more than you can view. 15) Fax is stranger than fiction. 16) What boots up must come down. 17) Windows will never cease. 18) Virtual reality is its own reward. 19) Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

THE MONTH AFTER CHRISTMAS 'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse. The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste All the holiday parties had gone to my waist. When I got on the scales there arose such a number! When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber). I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared, The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please." As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt-- I said to myself, as I only can "You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!" So, away with the last of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip Every last bit of food that I like must be banished 'Till all the additional ounces have vanished. I won't have a cookie, not even a lick. I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick. I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry. I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore--- But isn't that what January is for? Unable to giggle, no longer a riot. Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Won't post the missing ones unless they are asked for...*grin*

OK. There will be a short window where you can do this. The new site was moved from the old site at midnight, roughly, on Feb 1 2000.

MISSING? Whooooo's missing? ;-)

You know its going to be a bad day ahead when... You wake up face down on the pavement. You put your bra on backwards and it fits better. You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any. You turn on the news and they are showing escape routes out of the city. Your twin sister forgot your birthday. You wake up to realize your waterbed broke and then discover you don't have a waterbed. Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose. You call your answering service and they tell you it's non of your business. Your blind date turns out to be your ex. Your income tax check bounces. You put both contacts in one eye.

Not to worry, Terry, I have just about everything active during those crucial days (outside of Drool) copied to file on my hard drive. Man...talk about bad ways to start the day. Sheesh!

This is from an anonymous female system user: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help please!!!! Jane ******* Dear Jane: This is a very common problem women complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0 , because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0 In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support". You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3 I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME" Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8. TECH TIP! void excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip! Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixesBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6. A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shut down of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!" Norma

Heh-heh...I think I'll hold on to my Boyfriend 5.0, for a while. The conversion to Husband 1.0 doesn't fit in to my finances, right now! :)

Plus there's the possible incompatabilities with your current systems config...

LOL, Alexander, it's good to see ya, again! Where have you been keeping yourself?

Things You Will Never Hear A Woman Say: 1. I'll sacrifice my career goals and dreams to stay home and cook for you. 2. Biologically my body is built to serve you and nothing else. 3. Oral sex is my favorite hobby. 4. During my bad week, I'll get you a hooker. 5. Does this make my butt look too small? 6. PMS is just a myth. 7. That guy has great breasts. Things You Will Never Hear A Man Say: 1. I'll sacrifice my career goals and dreams to stay home and cook for you. 2. Sure she has a great body, but how's her personality? 3. Beer leaves a bad taste in my mouth. 4. When Bambi's mother was shot I cried. 5. Forget the game, Oprah's on! 6. It's your decision. 7. I care.

You could always upgrade boyfriend 5.0 to 5.1 Annette.

Or even the 2000 edition of Boyfriend 6.0

Did you hear about the poor man who drowned in a bowl of muesli? He got pulled under by a strong currant, althugh the police have not ruled out a cereal killer.

*Groan* Thanks, maggie *giggle*

Subject: Changing a light bulb in cyberspace How many people does it take to change a light bulb in cyberspace?... 1 to successfully change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. 53 to flame the spell checkers. 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list. 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames. 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb. 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped. 111 to defend the posting to this list, saying that, "We are all using light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list." 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brands of light bulb work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty. 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs. 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and to post corrected URLs. 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list, which makes light bulbs relevant to this list. 33 to collate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too." 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy. 19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three." 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ. 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup. 47 to say that this is just what this list was meant for, leave it here. 143 votes for a new list alt.lite.bulb. 38 votes proclaiming the advantages in using vintage light bulbs.

I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and he saw a note on his mirror that said, "Call 911!" But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who worked on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolled around. And it's a little known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages. His program prevented a global disaster in which all the computers would get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true-I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.) The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital-the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck; but if you send it to only 10 people, you will only have OK luck; and if you send it to less than 10 people, you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green m&ms, but if you don't the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck, your wife will develop breast cancer from using the antiperspirant which clogged the pores under her arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your emails forever. -John Quist offers this "gentle summary of this year's e-mail junk and fraud..." tftd attempted to change the tense of some verbs to update it for 2000. tftd truly apologizes for the fact that the ten pages of addressing that normally accompanies these type notes are missing.

from John Computers in the future may weigh no more than 15 tons." --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949. "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957 "But what ... is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip. "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union, internal memo, 1876. "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s. "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.) Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --Harry M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927. "I'm glad it's going to be Clark Gable stumbling around on screen and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind." "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting her company, Mrs. Fields' Cookies. "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895. "If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." --Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives on 3-M "Post-It" Notepads. "So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you; you haven't got through college yet.'" --Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer. "Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." --1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work. "You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." --Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus. "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859. "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929. "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre. "Everything that can be invented has been invented." --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899. "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". --a Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872 "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". --Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria, 1873. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." --Bill Gates, 1981 ______________________________________________________

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER the actual AP headline Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. ----------- -------------- ------------ I forwarded this to John Burnett and he replied with the following: This is a true story (no relation, thank God). And guess what old Linda's natural hair color is??? The story is over a year old so it's really no longer news, but it is a blonde joke. You can see where they changed the Burnett to Linda from the original news story (something that people would generally do only with women, called in linguistics terms "feminine diminuition." But I saw the actual AP newswire copy when it happened.

thus spake John and thus I close my tags

Modern Aphorisms (@phorisms?) 1. Home is where you hang your @ 2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.. 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.. 4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.. 5. Great groups from little icons grow.. 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.. 7. C:\ is the root of all directories.. 8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.. 9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.. 10. The modem is the message.. 11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.. 12. The geek shall inherit the earth.. 13. A chat has nine lives.. 14. Don't byte off more than you can view.. 15. Fax is stranger than fiction.. 16. What boots up must come down.. 17. Windows will never cease.. 18. Virtual reality is its own reward.. 19. Modulation in all things.. 20. A user and his leisure time are soon parted. 21. There's no place like http://www.home.com 22. Know what to expect before you connect.. 23. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice... 24. Speed thrills.. 25. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Web and he won't bother you for weeks..

Without comment from John: I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost. Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click. "Great," he thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one's even better because it locks ..."

[Annette, I'm on and off, as I got loads of real-life issues... Especially the VERY real issue 1/2000 of the mag, that we work on right now. Why don't you stroll over to all the other topics, there's always something happening, too - though admittedly things ARE slow at this time...]

Aloha, Alexander! It's ok if you use my screwed topic for a message board for other ladies. I don't care that you did not say hello....*sniff*

A few words from the visionary Steven Wright ------------------------------------------ All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. OK, so what's the speed of dark? Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case.....coincidence? When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism -- to steal from many is research. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. A fool and his money are soon partying. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back. Half the people you know are below average. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

This is probably a good place for this little news item: Vain Venezuelans Also Lead Sex Happiness Survey NEW YORK (Reuters) - It turns out that Venezuelans, who topped a survey last year as the vainest people in the world, are also happiest by far about their sex lives. A Roper Starch Worldwide survey released Thursday found that 46 percent of Venezuelans were ``very happy'' with their sex lives followed by Brazilians at 32 percent and U.S. residents at 27 percent. People in Hong Kong, which was surveyed separately from the rest of China, were the least satisfied with their sex lives only five percent said they were ``very happy.'' Russia followed at six percent, then China at nine percent and Germany, Italy and Malaysia all tied at 14 percent.

Hmmmmm...it must be something to do with the altitude...? ;-)

...or the attitude?!

Happy Valentine's Day, all you lovers of great poetry: Straight from L.A. (Lower Alabama) Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway. Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can. You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms. Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can. Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed. Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt. When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack. Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'. despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'. Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way. Some men git roses on that special day from the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say. Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth. "Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth. But for this man, honey, these won't do. Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you. I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than diamonds... IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!! Luv, from yor romeo

A counsellor tried to help a wife understand her marriage problems. "I want you to think why it was that you woke up grumpy this morning" he said "But I didn't", the wife protested. "I let him sleep"

*rim shot* Yesssss!!!

Fits nicely with other themes going at the moment diesn't it!

Indeed! Anything goes here, but that especially goes here!

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze our one more drop of juice would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000 and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, a martial artist or what?" The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

From John Burnett: Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out. AVERAGE: Not too bright. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date. ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily. ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated. CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law. UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement. QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors. TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited. TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors. INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors. STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk. TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut. APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job. A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused. NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college. EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together. SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life. CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared. METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker. DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice. JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky. MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob. KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes. STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn. GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward. SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid. OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time. IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else. ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip. REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed. HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way. ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do. HAPPY: Paid too much. WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork. COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps. CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the ass. WILL GO FAR: Relative of management. SHOULD GO FAR: Please. USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher. VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work. USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything. DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.

THINGS YOU' D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T! 1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? 2. Do I look like a people person? 3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 5. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 6. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 7. You!... Off my planet! 8. Does your train of thought have a caboose? 9. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? 10. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 11. A PBS mind in an MTV world. 12. Allow me to introduce my selves. 13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 14. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 15. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. 16. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage. 17. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. 18. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 19. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 20. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 21. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1? 22. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 23. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 24. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. 25. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 26. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks

1. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? 2. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? 3. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? 4. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? 5. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? 6. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing? 7. Why do "tug" boats push their barges? 8. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there? 9. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting? 10. Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"? 11. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected? 12. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites? 13. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things? 14. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds? 15. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it? 16. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 17. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 18. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead? 19. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? 20. How come abbreviated is such a long word? 21. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? 22. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 23. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the call, closes his door and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes, "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..." He returns her gaze, "Anything?" "Anything." His voice softens, "Anything" "Anything," she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"

Troubles The carpenter I hired to help me restore an old farmhouse had just finished a rough first day on the job. A flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric saw quit and now his ancient pickup truck refused to start. While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss. Afterward, he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier. "Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing for sure, troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home. Then in the morning I pick them up again." Funny thing is," he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before". -------TFTD-L@TAMU.EDU

Do-it-yourself Country & Western Song Kit I met her __________ _____; I can still recall _________ (1) (2) (3) 1. 2. 3. on the highway in September that purple dress in Sheboygan at McDonald's that little hat outside Fresno ridin' shotgun that burlap bra at a truck stop wrestlin' gators those training pants on probation all hunched over the stolen goods in a jail cell poppin' uppers that plastic nose in a nightmare sort of pregnant the Stassin pin incognito with joggers the neon sign in the Stone Age stoned on oatmeal that creepy smile in a treehouse with Merv Griffin the hearing aid dead all over the boxer shorts she wore; She was ______ _____, (4) (5) 4. 5 sobbin' at the toll booth in the twilight drinkin' Dr. Pepper but I loved her weighted down with Twinkies by the off-ramp breakin' out with acne near Poughkeepsie crawlin' through the prairie with her cobra smellin' kind of funny when she shot me crashin' through the guardrail on her elbows chewin' on a hangnail with Led-Zeppelin talkin' in Swahili with Miss Piggy drownin' in the quicksand with a wetback slurpin' up linguini in her muu-muu and I knew _______; _______ (6) (7) 6. 7. no guy would ever love her more I promised her I knew deep down she'd bought her dentures in a store She asked me if that she would be a crashing bore I told her shrink I'd never rate her more than "4" The judge declared they'd hate her guts in Baltimore My Pooh Bear said it was a raven, nothing more I shrieked in pain we really lost the last World War The painters knew I'd have to scrape her off the floor A Klingon said what strong deodorants were for My hamster thought that she was rotten to the core The blood test showed that I would upchuck on the floor Her rabbi said I'd ______ forever; She said to me ____; (8) (9) 8. 9. stay with her our love would never die warp her mind there was no other guy swear off booze man wasn't meant to fly that Nixon didn't lie punch her out her basset hound was shy live off her that Rolaids made her high have my rash she'd have a swiss on rye stay a dwarf she loved my one blue eye hate her dog her brother's name was Hy pick my nose she liked "Spy vs. Spy" play "Go Fish" that birthdays made her cry salivate she couldn't stand my tie But who'd have thought she'd _____ ___________; (10) (11) 10. 11. run off with my best friend wind up in my Edsel boogie on a surfboard yodel on "The Gong Show" sky dive with her dentist turn green on her "Workmate" freak out with a robot blast off make it at her health club black out in her Maytag bobsled with her guru grovel while in labor _________ goodbye. (12) 12. You'd think at least that she'd have said I never had the chance to say She told her dumb friend Grace to say I now can kiss my credit cards I guess I was too smashed to say I watched her melt away and sobbed She fell beneath the wheels and cried She sent a hired thug to say She freaked out on the lawn and screamed I pushed her off the bridge and waved But that's the way that pygmies say She sealed me in the vault and smirked.

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts,"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must be an engineer" says the balloonist. "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone." The man below says, "You must be in upper management." "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well,"says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Top Ten signs you're at a Redneck Church 10. The Preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" -- and five guys stand up. 9. First day of deer season is an official church holiday. 8. Prayers regarding the weather are a standard part of every worship service. 7. The church directory doesn't have last names. 6. There's no such thing as a "secret" sin. 5. The only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is during the summer -- and only so their neighbors won't leave them a bag of squash. 4. There is a special fund-raiser for a new septic tank. 3. Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable. 2. People wonder if Jesus fed the 5,000 with two bass or two catfish. ...and the number one sign you're at a redneck church... The final words of the benediction: "Y'all come back now, ya hear?"