Top Ten marketing mistakes 1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea." 2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux." 3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick." 4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read. 5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine. 6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa). 7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese. 8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate." 9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth." 10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant

21 REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN The bandage was wound around the wound. The farm was used to produce produce. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse We must polish the Polish furniture. He could lead if he would get the lead out. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. I did not object to the object. The insurance was invalid for the invalid. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. They were too close to the door to close it. The buck does funny things when the does are present. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. After a number of injections my jaw got number. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Surgeon Chat Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

The Transistor The transistor was invented on Christmas Day, 1948, by Emily Gerund, a high school teacher of English from Boston, Massachusetts, who was serving a 20 years-to-life sentence in the state penitentiary for throwing her husband's coat under a speeding truck. The judge was rather severe with her because her husband was still in the coat at the time. The Governor of the state owned an electronics firm and so was able to provide surplus vacuum tubes to the prisoners so that they could decorate their Christmas trees. Now Emily had an extremely tiny tree, much too small for a string of SV6s or even for a single QL4. But she just happened to find some germanium crystals lying around. She stuck three wires in each one and used them to decorate her tree. She was quite surprised when after she completed the tree, it started picking up the Jack Benny Show. The Governor, upon learning about this and realizing its implications, immediately rushed to the prison and offered the English teacher a full pardon in exchange for the manufacturing rights to her invention. "Of course, Governor," she replied. ... "In this case, I'll be glad to let you end a sentence with a proposition." Received from the Groaners list. *************** In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.

HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM: 1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO 2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK 3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY 4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON 5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES 6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in CALIFORNIA 7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY 8. One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE 9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS

Annette said I should post this and I would still remain a lady. Let's see: THREE CORPORATE LESSONS Lesson Number One: =============== A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: ------------------- To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson Number Two: =============== A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,"but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: ------------------- Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. Lesson Number Three: ================ A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him! The morals of this story: ------------------------ 1 ) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy. 2 ) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. 3 ) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut

I think that rates with the postbox story!

See, Marcia? Everyone learns a few lessons, and, you're still a lady! LOL!

Mahalo*thank you*Mahalo*thank you* Ten reasons your candidate for president is underqualified: 10. Thinks "Upholding the Constitution" means a daily dose of Metamucil. 9. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii. 8. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing." 7. His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy." 6. Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares. 5. Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?" 4. At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?!?" 3. Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all. 2. Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!" 1. On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a LIFELINE.

What a I want in a man (at age 21) 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially Successful 4. A Caring Listener 5. Witty 6. In Good Shape 7. Dresses with Style 8. Appreciates the Finer Things in life 9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises 10. An Imaginative and Romantic Lover ---------------------- What I. Want In A. Man, Revised List ... (at age 42) 1. Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant 4. Listens more than he talks 5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times 6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease 7. Owns at least one tie 8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal 9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries 10. Seeks romance at least once a week ---------------------- What I. Want In A. Man, Revised List ... (at age 52) 1. Not too ugly -- bald head OK 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car 3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion 4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking 5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach 8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down 10. Shaves on most weekends ---------------------- What I. Want In A. Man, Revised List ... (at age 62) 1. Keeps nose and ear hair trimmed to appropriate length 2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public 3. Doesn't borrow money too often 4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emotional 5. Doesn't retell same joke too many times 6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends 7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear 8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner 9. Remembers your name 10. Shaves on weekends ---------------------- What I. Want In A. Man, Revised List ... (at age 72) 1. Doesn't scare small children 2. Remembers where bathroom is 3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep 4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep) 5. Doesn't forget why he's laughing to often 6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself 7. Usually wears some clothes 8. Likes soft foods 9. Remembers where he left his teeth 10. Remembers when... ---------------------- What I. Want In A. Man, Revised List ... (at age 82) 1. Breathing ________________

*LOL, still a lady.....!

Goodness knows, I try...*grin*

*LOL, maybe this should keep things calm......;) Thoughts on... PEACE Do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is because we are different that each of us is special. Do not set your goals by what other people deem important. Only you know what is best for you. Do not take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them as you would your life, for without them, life is meaningless. Do not let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past nor for the future. By living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life. Do not give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying. It is a fragile thread that binds us to each other. Do not be afraid to encounter risks. It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave. Do not shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find. The quickest way to receive love is to give love; The fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly. Do not dismiss your dreams. To be without dreams is to be without hope; To be without hope is to be without purpose. Do not run through life so fast that you forget not only where you have been, but also where you are going. Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way.

Oooh, Thank you, Lady Cloud-dweller. I can think of some people I need to forward this to - they are always sending things like this to me.

* The Bill Gates Diner Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time. Patron: No, it's still there. Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead. Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using? Patron: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up? Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup? Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup? Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day? Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day? Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour. Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now? Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato. Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now. [Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.] Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check. Patron: This is potato soup. Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet. Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything. [Waiter leaves.] Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup! The check: Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00 Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50 Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00

LOL, remind me NOT to dine there...!

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it. If you haven't much education you must use your brain. Never mess up an apology with an excuse. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together. Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie" while looking for a bigger stick. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Love the practical twist to this one. Keeps the saccharine from gagging the honey bees. Thanks, dear!

THE BASIC RULES OF "SHOTGUN" OR THE ETIQUETTE OF RESERVING THE FRONT PASSENGER SEAT Section I The Basic Rules 1. In order to call Shotgun, the caller must pronounce the word "Shotgun" in a clear voice. This call must be heard and acknowledged by the driver. The other occupants of the vehicle need not hear the call as long as the driver verifies the call. 2. Shotgun may only be called if all occupants of the vehicle are outside and on the way to said vehicle. 3. Early calls are strictly prohibited. Shotgun may only be called while walking toward the vehicle and only applies to the drive immediately forthcoming. Shotgun can never be called while inside a vehicle or still technically on the way to the first location. For example, one can not get out of a vehicle and call Shotgun for the return journey. 4. The driver has final say in all ties and disputes. The driver has the right to suspend or remove all shotgun privileges from one or more persons. Section II Special Cases These special exceptions to the rules above should be considered in the order presented; the case listed first will take precedence over any of the cases beneath it, when applicable. 1. In the instance that the normal driver of a vehicle is drunk or otherwise unable to perform their duties as driver, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun. 2. If the instance that the person who actually owns the vehicle is not driving, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline. 3. In the instance that the driver's spouse, lover, partner, or hired prostitute for the evening is going to accompany the group, he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline. 4. In the instance that one of the passengers may become so ill during the course of the journey that the other occupants feel he/she will toss their cookies, then the ill person should be given Shotgun to make appropriate use of the window. 5. In the instance that only one person knows how to get to a given location and this person is not the driver, then as the designated navigator for the group they automatically get Shotgun, unless they decline. 6. In the instance that one of the occupants is too wide or tall to fit comfortably in the back seat, then the driver may show mercy and award Shotgun to the genetic misfit. Alternatively, the driver and other passengers may continually taunt the poor fellow as they make a three-hour trip with him crammed in the back. Section III *The Survival of the Fittest Rules * 1. If the driver so wishes, he/she may institute the Survival of the Fittest Rules on the process of calling Shotgun. In this case all rules, excepting I-4, are suspended and the passenger seat is occupied by whoever can take it by force. 2. The driver must announce the institution of the Survival of the Fittest Rules with reasonable warning to all passengers. This clause reduces the amount of blood lost by passengers and the damage done to the vehicle. Please follow the above rules to the best of your ability. If there are any arguments or exceptions not covered in these rules, please refer to rule I-4.

WHEN GOD MADE MOMS By the time the Lord made mothers, he was into his sixth day of working overtime.� An Angel appeared and said "Why are you spending so much time on this one?"� And the Lord answered and said, "have you seen the spec sheet on her?� She has to be completely washable, but not all plastic, have 200 movable parts, all replaceable, run on black coffee and leftovers, have a lap that can hold three children at one time and that disappears when she stands up, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart, and have six pairs of hands."� The Angel was astounded at the requirements for this one.� "Six pairs of hands!� "No Way!", said the Angel.� The Lord replied, "Oh, it's not the hands that are the problem.� It's the three pairs of eyes that mothers must have!"� "And that's just on the standard model?", the Angel asked.� The Lord nodded in agreement, "Yep, one pair of eyes are to see through the closed door as she asks her children what they are doing, even though she already knows.� Another pair in the back of her head are to see what she needs to know even though no one thinks she can.� And the third pair are here in the front of her head.� They are for looking at an errant child and saying that she understnads and loves him or her without even saying a single word."� The Angel tried to stop the Lord.� "This is too much work for one day.� Wait until tomorrow to finish."� "But I can't!", the Lord protested, "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart.� She already heals herself when she is sick AND can feed a family of six on a pound of hamburger and can get a nine year old to stand in the shower!"� The Angel moved closer and touched the woman.� "But you have made her so soft, Lord."� "She is soft", the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough.� You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."� "Will she be able to think?", asked the Angel.� The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason, and negotiate."� The Angel then noticed something and reached out and touched the woman's cheek.� "Oops, it looks like you have a leak with this model.� I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."� "That's not a leak", the Lord objected, "That's a tear!"� "What's the tear for?", the Angel asked.� The Lord said, "The tear is her way�of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her disappointment, her pain, her lonleliness, her grief, and her pride." The Angel was impressed.� "You are a genius, Lord.� You thought of everything.� WOMEN are truly amazing!"� Pass this to all amazing women that you know.�

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married: Merry Christmas to you and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering that I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies. Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she? Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more money because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom. Merry Christmas. Love, Mom

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods: * On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping. * On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. * On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. * Some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. * On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head. * On Tesco's Tiramisu desert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.) * On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. * On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: Do not iron clothes on body. * On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. * On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning: May cause drowsiness. * On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children. * On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. * On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. * On Sainsbury's Peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. * On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. * On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

THE RULES: 1. The FEMALE always makes the Rules. 2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification. 3. No MALE can possibly know all the Rules. 4. If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows all the Rules she must immediately change some or all of the Rules. 5. The FEMALE is NEVER wrong. 6. If however the FEMALE is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding, which was as a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong. 7. If Rule 6 above applies, the MALE must apologise IMMEDIATELY for causing the misunderstanding. 8. The FEMALE may change her mind at any time with or without notice. 9. The MALE must NEVER change his mind without the express written consent of the FEMALE. 10. The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time. 11. The MALE must remain calm at all times, unless the FEMALE WANTS him to be angry or upset. 12. The FEMALE must under no circumstances let the MALE know whether or not see wants him to be angry or upset. 13. The MALE is expected to read her mind at all times. 14. The MALE who does not abide by the Rules or can not take the heat, lacks backbone and is a wimp. 15. Any attempt to document the Rules could result in bodily harm. 16. If the FEMALE has PMT, all the Rules are null and void. 17. The FEMALE is ready when she is ready. 18. The Male must be ready at all times.

I do not subscribe to the above rules. The scary thought is that some women do.

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

Some things are just funny due to the fact that one sex can't figure the other out, true...it just gives us all a good laugh about it. I, too, though, know women who are serious about stuff like that, and, well, what miserable lives they lead!

Amen and *Hugs* Annette!

Attn: IRS Enclosed is my 1999 tax return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat. Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a 1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch phillips head screw.) It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. Sincerely, A satisfied taxpayer

Anagrams --------------- Dormitory = Dirty Room Desperation = A. Rope Ends It The Morse Code = Here come Dots Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em Animosity = Is No Amity Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's Alec Guinness = Genuine Class Semolina = Is it No Meal The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one Contradiction = Accord not in it Astronomer = Moon Starer Princess Diana = End Is A Car Spin Year Two Thousand = A Year To Shut Down

A hobo came up to the front door of the neat looking farmhouse and knocked gently on the door. When the owner answered, the hobo asked, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days." The owner said, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I never give anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal." So the hobo went around back and a little later he again knocked on the door. The owner said, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in." The hobo said, "Thank you very much, sir. But there is something that I think you should know. It's not a Porch, it's a BMW."

AAAArrrrrrggggghh!! LOL! Oh, my...!!! :)

Understanding Your Paycheck: Gross pay: $1222.02 Income Tax Outgo Tax State Tax Interstate Tax 244.40 45.21 61.10 5.89 County Tax City Tax Rural Tax Back Tax 6.11 12.22 4.44 1.11 Front Tax Side Tax Up Tax Down Tax 1.16 1.61 2.22 1.11 Tic-Tacs Thumbtacks Carpet Tacks Stadium Tax 1.98 3.93 0.98 0.69 Flat Tax Surtax Ma'am Tax Parking Fee 8.32 3.46 2.60 5.00 No Parking Fee F.i.c.a. T.g.i.f. Life Ins. 10.00 81.88 9.95 5.85 Health Ins. Disability Ability Liability Ins. 16.23 2.50 0.25 3.41 Dental Ins. Mental Ins. Reassurance. Coffee 4.50 4.33 0.11 6.85 Coffee Cups Calendar Floor Rental Chair Rental 66.51 3.06 16.85 4.32 Desk Rental Union Dues Union Don'ts Cash Advances 4.32 5.85 3.77 0.69 Cash Retreats Overtime Undertime Eastern Time 121.35 1.26 54.83 9.00 Central Time Mountain Time Pacific Time GMT 8.00 7.00 6.00 24.00 Bathroom Time Time Out Oxygen Water 4.44 12.21 10.02 16.54 Electricity Heat Air Conditioning 38.23 51.42 46.83 Misc 144.38 Take Home Pay: $0000.02 (this is where the expression "just my 2 cents" came from)

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man,' Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your ah, physical needs. He'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly. "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?" "Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first...So, just remember... it's our secret...Woman-to-woman!"

You know you're drinking too much coffee when ... you answer the door before people knock. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. you ski uphill. you grind your coffee beans in your mouth. you haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. you lick your coffeepot clean. your eyes stay open when you sneeze. you chew on other people's fingernails. your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend." you can type 60 words per minute ... with your feet. you can jump-start your car without cables. All your kids are named "Joe." you don't need a hammer to pound nails. your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low." you don't sweat, you percolate. you buy Half & Half by the barrel. you've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. you forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. you've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. people get dizzy just watching you. you've worn the finish off your coffee table. the Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. instant coffee takes too long. when someone says "How are you?" you say, "Good to the last drop." your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. you're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. you short out motion detectors. you don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. you think being called a "drip" is a compliment. you don't tan, you roast. you can't even remember your second cup. you help your dog chase its tail.

Proverbs Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true. I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path. Indecision is the key to flexibility. It hurts to be on the cutting edge. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. I always wanted to be a procrastinator; I never got around to it. I am a nutritional overachiever I am having an out of money experience. I plan on living forever. So far, so good. A day without sunshine is like night. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Age doesn't always bring wisdom, Sometimes age comes alone. Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show. You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

U

*Mathematician Vs Physicist Vs Engineer* What is "pi"? Mathematician: Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the circumference of a circle and its diameter. Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927 plus or minus 0.000000005. Engineer: Pi is about 3. -- An Engineer, a Physicist, and a Mathematician all go to the same conference. University budgets being what they are, they all stay in the same cheap hotel. Each room has the same floor plan, has the same cheap TV, the same cheap bed, and a small bathroom. Instead of a sprinkler system, the hotel has opted for Fire Buckets. The Engineer, Physicist, and Mathematician are all asleep in bed. At about 2AM, the Physicist wakes up because he smells smoke. He looks in the corner of the room and sees that the TV set is on fire! He dashes into the bathroom, fills the Fire Bucket to overflowing with water, and drenches the TV set. The fire goes out, and the Physicist goes back to sleep. A little while later, the Engineer wakes because he smells smoke. He looks in the corner of his room and sees that the TV set is on fire. He grabs a handy envelope, estimates the BTU output of the fire, scribbles a quick calculation, then dashes into the bathroom and fills the Fire Bucket with just enough water to douse the flames. He puts the fire out and goes back to sleep. In a little while, the Mathematician wakes up to the smell of smoke. He looks in the corner of his room and sees the TV on fire. He looks into the bathroom and sees the Fire Bucket. Having determined that a solution exists, he goes back to sleep. -- Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer? A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own. -- Engineering is the art of molding materials we do not fully understand into shapes we cannot fully analyze and preventing the public from realizing the full extent of our ignorance. -- Q: Why did the engineers cross the road? A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

Top 41 tactful ways to say someone is stupid 1. About as sharp as a marble. 2. A few clowns short of a circus. 3. Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree. 4. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. 5. I wish I had a blueprint for his brain; I'm trying to build an idiot. 6. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. 7. He only has one oar in the water. 8. A few beers short of a six-pack. 9. Dumber than a box of hair. 10. A few peas short of a casserole. 11. Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box. 12. One Froot Loop shy of a bowl. 13. One taco short of a combination plate. 14. A few feathers short of a whole duck. 15. All foam, no beer. 16. The cheese slid off her cracker. 17. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. 18. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. 19. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. 20. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. 21. As smart as bait. 22. Chimney's clogged. 23. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. 24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. 25. Forgot to pay her brain bill. 26. Her sewing machine's out of thread. 27. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. 28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. 29. If she had another brain, it would be lonely. 30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. 31. No grain in the silo. 32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. 33. Receiver is off the hook. 34. Twenty-four cents short of a quarter. 35. Skylight leaks a little. 36. Slinky's kinked. 37. Surfing in Nebraska. 38. Too much yardage between the goal posts. 39. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 40. The lights are on, but nobody's home. 41. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

Mergers of the future: 1. XEROX and WURLITZER (They're going to make reproductive organs) 2. FAIRCHILD ELECTRONICS and HONEYWELL COMPUTERS (The new company will be called Fairwell Honeychild) 3. POLYGRAM RECORDS, WARNER BROTHERS, and KEEBLER (The new company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker) 4. W.R. GRACE CO., FULLER BRUSH CO., MARY KAY COSMETICS, and HALE BUSINESS SYSTEMS (The company will be called Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace) 5. 3M and GOODYEAR (MMM Good) 6. JOHN DEERE and ABITIBI-PRICE (Deere Abi) 7. HONEYWELL, IMASCO, and HOME OIL (Honey, I'm Home) 8. DENISON MINES, ALLIANCE, and METAL MINING (Mine All Mine) 9. 3M, JC PENNEY, and THE METROPOLITAN OPERA COMPANY (3 Penney Opera) 10. GREY POUPON and DOCKERS PANTS (Poupon Pants) 11. KNOTT'S BERRY FARM and THE NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR WOMEN (The new company will be called Knott Now) 12. ZIPPO MANUFACTURING, AUDI, DOFASCO, and DAKOTA MINING (The new company will be called Zip Audi Do-Da) 13. NETSCAPE and YAHOO (Net n' Yahoo)

A warning for computer users: I like my new spell checker, It came with my PC. It plainly marques four my revue, Mistakes I can not sea. I�ve run these verses threw it, I�m sure your please two no. Its letter perfect in its weigh, My checker tolled me sew. Who is the smartest monster of them all? A: Frank Einstein Did you know there are basically only three types of people in the world? - those who can count, and those who can�t.

You have the same spell checquer that I have! *lol* thanks for these goodies. You did not know abut this conference berfore, did you?! Tread carefully lest your eyes fall out in horror *grin*

Ten things it is not a good idea to say when stopped by the police: 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 5. Are you Andy or Barney? 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 8. I pay your salary. 9. Thanks, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too. 10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. 12. When the officer says "Son, your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" you probably shouldn't respond with, "Officer, your eyes looked glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Oh I've visited here before just hadn't pressed the all button and seen the lot!

Amazing, is it not?! Imagine my surprise when I logged in and found a newly created topic for me here ...! The only more surprising place was http://www.spring.net/yapp-bin/restricted/read/babes/45/new

TOOL DESCRIPTIONS HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing leather goods. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads and transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...." HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the fender. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round out Phillips screw heads. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short. ***

PREFERENCES Dentists do it orally Cops do it with cuffs DJ's do it on request Truckers do it in the road Soldiers do it under orders Detectives do it under cover Australians do it Down Under Zoologists do it with animals Gardeners do it in the bushes Gas attendants Pump all day Firemen do it with a big hose Frank Sinatra does it his way Engineers do it to specification Garbage men come twice a week Chess players check their Mates Ambulance drivers come quicker Pianists touch, tickle, and titillate! Housewives do it for an allowance Jockeys gallop hard and finish fast Mountain Climbers like to be on top Waiters and waitresses do it for tips Accountants do it with Double Entry Landlords do it every 1st of the month Acupuncturists do it with a small prick Travel Agents do it in lots of different places Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free Bankers do it with interest, Bartenders do it on the Rocks Watch out for tennis players - love means nothing to them! Postal Workers - Lick It Before We Stick It Computer wizards do it with plug-ins

(*snickering) :)

*looking around aprehensively* is my lady-status still intact?

definitely not! *grin*

*giggle* Good! I found it was stunting my growth up there on that rickety pedestal.

sshhhhh! I just might still be fooling some others, though...*smiling like the lady I try to be most of the time*

THINGS ONLY A MOM CAN TEACH 1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home." 2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.... "You are going to get it when we get home!" 3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!" 4. My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 5. My Mother taught me AGRICULTURE... "If you don't stop swallowing those seeds you're going to have watermelons growing out your nose." 6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job." 7. My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?" 8. My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 10. My Mother taught me about SEX.... "How do you think you got here?" 11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like your father." 12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?" 13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand. 14. And my all time favorite ... JUSTICE... "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like."

Worst Things To Say On A First Date I used to have a real bad bedwetting problem...but the last couple of weeks I've gotten it under control. I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden... but could I borrow $500 Go ahead and Super Size - I found spare change in the sofa today. Something tells me that you're very special...but with medication I can usually ignore it. I don't see my ex-girlfriend that much...thanks to the U.S. Department of Justice. Do you want to play doctor? That'll be $500 Wait till my wife hears about this! I had a good time tonight. I'd love to see you again in six to eight months with good behavior.

I am expecting to get some really risque email from you shortly, Maggie. It is nice to share =)

Oh no, sorry, it was in confidence! *huge grin*

*Applause*

remove please????? *pleads*

You gotta do it - I can only do my own on other people's conferences. See your email...

Would you believe this actually came from the New England Journal of Medicine? Great news for girl watchers: Ogling over women's breasts is good for a man's health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered. According to the New England Journal of Medicine, "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out" declared Dr. Karen Weatherby. Dr. Weatherby and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients - half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so. The study revealed that after five years, the chest-watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease. "Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation," explains Dr. Weatherby. "There's no question: Gazing at breasts makes men healthier." "Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years."

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "ALL RIGHT I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what did happen in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

What Your Computer Is Trying To Tell You: It says: "Press Any Key" It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving." It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E" It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 30 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem." It says: "Installing program to C:\...." It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them." It says: "Please insert disk 11" It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks." It says: "Not enough memory" It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K." It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...." It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..." It says: "Please Wait...." It means: "... Indefinitely." It says: "Directory does not exist...." It means: ".... any more. Whoops." It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close." It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back. Kiss your afternoon goodbye..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------

TRIVIA Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs. People Do Not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop...even your heart! Only 7% of the population are lefties. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines. The toothbrush was invented in 1498. The average housefly lives for one month. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute. Eating breakfast cereals like "Fruity Pebbles" and "Cap'n Crunch Berries" will cause your stools to come out green. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.( SO ONLY BUY SHOES IN THE MORNING OR AT NIGHT). About 20% of all adults in the US have or have had a cockroach that called their inner ear canal HOME. They enter while you sleep! (((This rates a good 10 on the ewwww-yuck scale and right up there with the fact that many of us have eaten a spider in our sleep tooooo EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!))) The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water. The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and the parrot. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie". Among the music catalogues that Michael Jackson owns the rights to is the South Carolina State anthem. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were seventh cousins. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

Because everything you read on the internet is true . . . I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's, (sent to me because I forwarded their e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken - which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC. Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.) The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped around a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of X's and O's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway, the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green M&Ms, but if you don't, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get cancer from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your wife will develop breast cancer from using the anti-perspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the government will put a tax on your e-mails forever. I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.

A guy walks into this sporting goods store in Alaska, immediately spies a rather haggard-looking old salt of a store clerk sitting by the cash register. "Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?" "Yep," answers the clerk. "Big bears?" "Yep." "Mean bears?" "Yep." "Black bears?" "Yep." "GRIZZLIES???!" "Yep." "Got any bear bells?" "What's dat?" "You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so bears know yer in the perimiter so's they can runs away ..." "Yep. Over yonder ..." "Great. I'll take one fer black bears, and one fer grizzlies. Say, how'd you know if yer in black bear country anyway?" "Look fer scatt." "Oh. Well, how how'd you know if there's GRIZZLIES????!" "Look fer scatt." "You just said that!" "Yeah. But grizzly scatt's different." "Well now, just what's IN grizzly scatt that's different?" "Bear bells."

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were: His dizzy aunt......................................Verti Gogh The brother who ate prunes..........................Gotta Gogh The constipated uncle...............................Cant Gogh The brother who worked at a convenience store.......Stopn Gogh The grandfather from Yugoslavia.....................U Gogh The brother who bleached his clothes white..........Hue Gogh The cousin from Illinois............................Chica Gogh His magician uncle.............................Wherediddy Gogh His Mexican cousin..................................Amee Gogh The Mexican cousin's American half brother..........Grin Gogh The ballroom dancing aunt...........................Tan Gogh A sister who loved disco............................Go Gogh The nephew who drove a stage coach ...............Wellsfar Gogh The bird lover uncle................................Flamin Gogh His nephew psychoanalyst............................E Gogh The fruit loving cousin.............................Man Gogh An aunt who taught positive thinking................Wayto Gogh The little bouncy nephew............................Poe Gogh And his niece who travels the country in a van....Winnie BayGogh

Top ten reasons why America is the best country in the world 1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America......are there handicap-parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. 11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.

Three engineers There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"

We've all needed tech support at one time or another, and have often felt a bit goofy when the seemingly impossible answer was made blindingly obvious by a friend, family member, or the computer's tech support line. But after you read these, you'll realize that goofiness is entirely relative... ---- A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine." ---- Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet,and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?" ---- Tech Support: "Ok Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!" --- Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please." Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety." Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?" ---- I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it. ---- Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?" ---- I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this: Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?" ---- Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to "The Internet." ---- Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Yeah." Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah." ---- Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon." Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows-because of the icons- I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons." Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to-" Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons." Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet...is 'little picture' ok?" Customer: [click] ---- Customer: "My computer crashed!" Tech Support: "It crashed?" Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game." Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot." Customer: "No, it didn't crash - it crashed." Tech Support: "Huh?" Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't work." Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship. Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'" Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?" ---- Now don't you feel better?

-----CHILDREN'S ANSWERS IN MUSIC EDUCATION---- These are stories and test questions accumulated by music teachers in the state of Missouri, circa 1989. Source: Missouri School Music Newsletter. I can't reach the brakes on this piano! Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed. It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm. My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best. I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow or Friday be best? Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra. Tubas are a bit too much. A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so. The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose. The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument. Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types. Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor. The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up. For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch. The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin real good. Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument? Answer: Yes. Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble. A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard. Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS! Question: What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums. When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody. The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge. While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves. A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound. Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick with the first name and learn it good. Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras. You should always say 'celli when you mean there are two or more cellos. A tuba is much larger than its name. A harp is a nude piano. My favorite composer is Opus. My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby. Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys. Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago. Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy. A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the odium. Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America. I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say. Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel. When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting. In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after. An opera is a song of bigly size. Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead. Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large. John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present. A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals. Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

IF MEN WERE IN CHARGE OF WEDDINGS There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" Party. Bridesmaids would wear matching blue-jean cutoffs and halter-tops. Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors. June weddings would be scheduled around basketball playoffs. Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part. The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '69 Camaro or some other Chevy with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley! Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head. Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of Best Man. Tailgate receptions. Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at halftime or between innings. Short ceremonies and long honeymoons. Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. Strippers and liquor add up. Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine-colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local tavern. Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge. Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza, and plenty of barbecue. No one would bother with the "veil routine." But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go. The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral or something. The "bride's father pays" tradition could stay. All dance-floor songs would be by Iggy and the Stooges, Ted Nugent, the Smashing Pumpkins, 2Pac, and Sir Mix-A-Lot. Invitations would read as follows: Tom is getting the old ball and chain. He either: a) knocked her up; b) couldn't get a different roommate; or c) caved in to her ultimatum. Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him for the rest of his life at Soldier Field on the 50-yard line at halftime during Sunday's game. Please join us at the Moonlight Lounge after the game for beer, nachos, and pizza. BYOB.

Good thing men aren't in charge.

Yup! Does it sound more appealling than what we arrange?

Observations on Horses Tying your horse's reins to a post does no good if you then remove the bridle. When throwing your saddle over your horse's back, do not let go. See Law of Inertia: a body in motion tends to remain in motion. Forgetting to tighten the girth before swinging into the saddle gives you a whole new perspective of your horse. Before using a crop to encourage your horse to move, be sure it is facing the direction you wish to go. On a five mile long road with a single mud puddle in it, your horse will shy when you are most likely to fall in the puddle. Same for a single cactus in the desert. It is a mistake to believe horses have no sense of humor. They think we are funny. A neophyte rider need waste no time being concerned for his horse's welfare. Your horse knows all about being a horse. Concentrate on your own well being. Horses smell FEAR. Deodorant won't help.

HOW TO TALK ABOUT MEN AND STILL BE POLITICALLY CORRECT! He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He investigates ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION. He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY. He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENT. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

I'm getting tired, I guess I'm awake-challenged.

*lol* Sounds like...!

Actual signs seen in London England. 1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out. 2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs 3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken. 4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board. 5. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance) 6. OUTSIDE A SECOND-HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain. 7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council. 8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of. 9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness. 10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car 11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor. 12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges. 13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons. 14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work) 15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

Grandma Shoes When I was very little All the Grandmas that I knew Were wearing the same kind Of ugly grandma shoes.. You know the kind I mean.. Clunky heeled, black, lace-up kind, They just looked so very awful That it weighed upon my mind, For I knew, when I grew old . I'd have to wear those shoes, I'd think of that, from time to time It seemed like such bad news. I never was a rebel, I wore saddle shoes to school, And next came ballerinas Then the sandals, pretty cool. And then came spikes with pointed toes Then platforms, very tall, As each new fashion came along I wore them, one and all. But always, in the distance, Looming in my future, there, Was that awful pair of ugly shoes, The kind that Grandmas wear. I eventually got married And then I became a Mom Our kids grew up and left, And when their children came along, I knew I was a Grandma And the time was drawing near When those clunky, black, old lace up shoes Was what I'd have to wear. How would I do my gardening Or take my morning hike? I couldn't even think about How I would ride my bike! But fashions kept evolving And one day I realized That the shape of things to come Was changing, right before my eyes. And now, when I go shopping What I see, fills me with glee For, in my jeans and Nike's I'm as comfy as can be. And I look at all these teenage girls And there, upon their feet Are clunky, black, old Grandma shoes, And I really think that's neat!

Inspiration from Ginny - Thanks dear! One day a father and his well-to-do family went on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing their young son how poor some people can be. They spent a day and a night at the farm of a very poor family. When they got back from their trip the father asked his son, "How was the trip?" "Very good, dad." "Did you see how poor people can be?" the father asked. "Yeah" said the son. "And what did you learn?" asked the father. The son answered, "I saw that we have a dog at home and they have four. "We have a pool that reaches to the middle of the garden, they have a creek that has no end. "We have imported lamps in the garden, they have the stars. "Our patio reaches to the front yard, they have the whole horizon." When the little boy was finished, his father was speechless. His son added, "Thanks dad for showing me how poor we are." Isn't it true it all depends on the way you look at things? If you have love, friends, family, health, good humor and a positive attitude towards life --- you've got everything...... You can't buy any of these things. You can have all the material possessions you can imagine, provisions for the future, etc., but if you are poor of spirit, you have nothing

Snappy Comebacks to the Age Old Question "Why Aren't You Married Yet?" 1. You haven't asked yet. 2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life. 3. Nobody would believe me in white. 4. Because I just love hearing this question. 5. Just lucky, I guess. 6. It gives my mother something to live for. 7. My fianc� is awaiting parole. 8. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America. 9. I'm waiting until I get to be your age. 10. It didn't seem worth a blood test. 11. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you. 12. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating. 13. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses. 14. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund. 15. They just opened a great singles bar on my block. 16. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness. 17. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals. 18. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads? 19. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck. 20. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

READ THE SIGNS: On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak." In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push." At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming." Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people." At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?" In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here." In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin." At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be." On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte." In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up." Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop." In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

60 Actual Newspaper Headlines, Collected by Journalists 1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says 2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers 3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case 5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents 6. Farmer Bill Dies In House 7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus? 9. Stud Tires Out 10. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope 11. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over 12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again 13. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands 14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms 15. Eye Drops Off Shelf 16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 17. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead 18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim 19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax 21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told 22. Miners Refuse to Work After Death 23. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant 24. Stolen Painting Found By Tree 25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies 26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter 27. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years 28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One 29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84 30. War Dims Hope For Peace 31. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 32. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures 33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge 35. Deer Kill 17,000 36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 37. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge 38. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group 39. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft 40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy 42. Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire 43. British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply 44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood 45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees 46. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half 47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies 48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing 49. Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing 50. Air Head Fired 51. Steals Clock, Faces Time 52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff 53. Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni 54. Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board 55. Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors 56. Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction 57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training 58. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies 59. Police Discovered Pot Plants Were Really Cannabis 60. Headless Body Found In Topless Bar

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them atest booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the sametime,each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a timed test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job." So, Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made greeting cards. They did every job known to computer nerds. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and both restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. He protested, "Wait! He cheated - how'd he do it?" God just shrugged and said; "Jesus saves."

Airline Original Humor Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: 1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." 2. Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." 3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride. 4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" 5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." 6. From a Southwest Airlines employee...."Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. 7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." 8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." 9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." 10. "Last one off the plane must clean it." 11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...! 12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" 13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." 14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally,everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?" 15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal. 16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

The TRUTH, The WHOLE TRUTH, And NOTHING But The TRUTH! A fairy tale for the assertive woman of the new millennium Once upon a time, in a land far away, A beautiful, independent, self assured princess, happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. That night, on a repast of lightly sauteed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't think so.

Marcia, that's one of my all-time faves -- THANKS! :)

Nan! How I've missed your gentle humor. Aloha and welcome back!!! How are things going for you?

Really, moonbeam, hope you're doing well. Email received. Hope we can fix you up.

Aloha, Marcia! I'm trying to catch up but I'm real real REAL behind. ;) Feeling stronger every day, and am about to take off for New Mexico to spend the summer shuttling between Taos (where I hope to get centered and finish a book) and my family home in Los Alamos, where my dad is dying. Terry, I'm guessing you must be referring to e-mail from Debra about our posts here being publically findable with a google.com search? She said she wrote to you but she didn't copy me on it.

Ah, so this is where all the interesting post(s) are.... Have to come here more often. Mike aka Cosmo "Caution, Distance Ahead...."

Aloha Mike *grin* Welcome to the good stuff. When you finally wander over to Geo conference, you will see what really interests me, though I do post other places. I am delighted to talk to you on other subjects. Please don't be a stranger!

*ahem* There is even a topic with my name on it (three times) in Babes conferences....if you are REALLY curious...

And...why "Caution, Distance Ahead...." , Mike? Long load? Sailing a snake wake? You have piqued my curiousity...

STUPID CRIMINAL STORIES --------------- * A masked man in Suffolk, VA was shot during an apparent robbery attempt at a downtown store according to authorities. The suspect was wearing a ski mask when he leapt over the counter, apparently intending to rob the place. The suspect was not armed. Unfortunately for him, the clerk behind the counter was. But this should not have surprised the suspect since the establishment he chose to rob was a gun store. * A silent burglar alarm went off in a local deli in Bloomfield, NJ. As the police arrived they could see that the front door of the deli had been smashed out and it appeared to be a typical "smash and grab." It was apparent that the suspect had cut his hand on the door and was bleeding pretty badly, and investigation also revealed that he had stolen the cash register off the counter. A short while later, another officer radioed in stating he was in back of a small compact car. The trunk was open and a cash register was in plain view. As if that wasn't suspicious alone, the suspect had not bothered to take the cash drawer out of the register and what little change and cash was left in the drawer had been blowing out of the car leaving a trail of money. Want more proof of this guy's stupidity? The cash register was so large he couldn't close the trunk, so he tried tying the lid closed with the same torn blood-soaked T-shirt he was wearing to stop the bleeding on his hand. Once the vehicle was pulled over, the officer asked the driver, "Where you going with the cash register?" The suspect replied, "What cash register?" * A prisoner in New Liskeard, Ontario, waiting for his case to come up decided to escape. He ran out of the courthouse with guards right behind him. The suspect ran through the downtown area and out onto the town dock and jumped into the lake. However, the escaped prisoner immediately began screaming to be saved. He forgot he couldn't swim. * An armed robber planned to rob a regular cash pick-up from a Prince William County bowling alley. However, the robbery did not go according to plan. As a vehicle pulled up to the bowling alley, which the robber thought was an armored car, he accosted the driver at gunpoint and fled with a bag. Unfortunately for him, the vehicle was a cleaning supplies truck and the bag contained a dozen mop heads. The robber was arrested minutes later.

Hiya "Caution..." was a cryptic phrase that was once spoken during a strange night in Austin - many years ago in a parallel universe where I once habitated.... M -aka- cos

ah...yes! I remember (I think) those parallel universes... NEW PROVERBS If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. A closed mouth gathers no feet. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

And a special cosmic greet to all. Have a groovy day -M- Galaxy 500