Call 1-800-578-7453. It's the customer service line for Brown & Williamson, the tobacco company. It's unbelievable. Seriously, call it. You'll get a recorded message and it's toll free. You'll be glad you did. **** I passed on to John to call (being chicken) and he emailed me that I should call it - so I did. It is amazing...please try it!

Oh no, I said to the people who might misunderstand me "tough noogies" (my graduate teaching advisor says that.) The only people who can "embrasse mon derri�re" are those who would want to limit my free speech. Everyone got that straight now?

I certainly do (and I know all about tough noogies)!

And I'm terribly disappointed *oh well*

(i know...!) *hugs*

What exactly did you mean by "and I'm terribly disappointed," John?

Until John gets time to answer your burning question...I have also read NZB's Forest House. I'd like to get all of her books, but I really think I am most satisfied re-reading Mists of Avalon...! I keeep trying to make the others into it and am disappointed each time.

I know what you mean--I read "The Lady of Avalon" and it just wasn't the same. I think I tried to read "The Forest House," but I never finished it.

Whatever you do - don't waste your money on the anthology of other authors who write similar-type stories "in honor" of NXB. It is a waste of time to read and hou will resent the money you spent to achieve this book...it's really disappointing. I think I shall stick with re-reading MoA and be happy with that!

"The Mists of Avalon" is kind of like "Hamlet"--no matter how many times you read it, you can always find something new and it's always interesting!

Indeed - and the mark of a truly great book. If you have not yet read Mary Stweart's Crystal Cave, Hollow Hills, and The Last Enchantment....RUN and secure these little gems for your very own...my entire family (my ex and my son included) read my copies...and I re-read them regualrly. It is the Arthurian story from Merlin's viewpoint and superbly done!

Have you read Bernard Cornwell's The Winter King, Enemy of God, and Excalibur? They are quite good--told from the point of view of Derfel Cadarn, one of Arthur's warriors who eventually becomes a saint. Cornwell brings back some of the characters that were taken out of the original Welsh versions of the story by the French.

Oops, sorry! Have you read "Guenevere, Queen of the Summer Country," by Rosalind Miles? It's a really different take on the King Arthur legend.

Have you read Bernard Cornwell's The Winter King, Enemy of God, and Excalibur? They are quite good--told from the point of view of Derfel Cadarn, one of Arthur's warriors who eventually becomes a saint. Cornwell brings back some of the characters that were taken out of the original Welsh versions of the story by the French.

I learnt what Welsh I know translating The Mabinogion and The Welsh Triads which Rachael Bromwich kindly left in the original language. Have not read the books you mention, but I am surely going to look them up!

Holy cow, you translated those?!? How amazing!

I am probably one of the few people in Hawaii with a Welsh Dictionary and Welsh grammar books...Cymric, that is *smile* It was the very thing that set me off on my five year search for the Kelts...!

I have tried to teach myself Irish Gaelic, but it is almost impossible to do on your own. About all I can say is "C�ad M�le F�ilte" and "Pog Mo Tho�n"! The pronounciation is so much different than the spelling! Is Cymric the same way?

It is far worse than Cymric...all they did with that language was to replace the vowels with consonants and to string all the words of description together as though in English we wrote Thechurchofsaintmaryinthewoodsbesideawaterfall. Gaelic, the brother language to brythonic, is far more difficult...at least it appears to be to me...

Discussion of things Arthurian and The Matter of Britain: http://www.spring.net/yapp-bin/restricted/read/books/23/new

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE: One old love she can imagine going back to and one who reminds her how far she has come. Enough money within her control to move out and rent a place on Her own, even if she never wants or needs to. Something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella she's not ashamed to be see carrying. A youth she's content to move beyond. A past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age. The realization that she is actually going to have an old age and money set aside to help fund it. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra. One friend who always makes her laugh and one who lets her cry. A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family. Eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored. A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded. A feeling of control over her destiny. A skin care regime, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don't get better after 30. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW: How to fall in love without losing herself. How she feels about having kids. How to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship. When to try harder and when to walk away. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what she would and wouldn't like to happen next. How to have a good time at a party she'd never choose to attend. How to ask for what she wants in a way that makes it most likely she'll get it. That she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents. That her childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over. What she would and wouldn't do for love or more. How to live alone, even if she doesn't like it. Whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally. Where to go - be it her best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn hidden in the woods - when her soul needs soothing. What she can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, and a year. Why they say life begins at 30.

John sent me the above 2 lists when I was not feeling very good about myself due to "environment" problems which were NOT my fault but was unable to rectify at the time. I did not score very well the first time I read it, but upon rereading it for posting, I have just about everything in line except for one here and there. I cannot imagine a woman who has been in long term relationships having an old lover she could imagine going back to - unless it is totally imaginary. He surely has gotten on with hi life, as surely as she has. But, it is nice to think back...! College is a particularly fertile place for my imagination!

Hey, everybody, I'm back after having gotten rid of my dastardly boring weeekend company! That list, Marcia, was being passed around the GA office a week or so ago, and we had some very funny conversations about not having wine glasses with stems or any, for that matter--we just drink it out of the bottle. (Actually, I have one very beautiful French crystal champagne flute, but that's it as far as stemware goes.) I used to have a black lace bra, too, but it must have been entirely for looks because it was so itchy that I could barely stand it. I think that list actually applies to women who are out of college, because being a student is a whole different ballgame.

You're right about the lacy bra - have one which also itches like crazy. My tools are the only ones we can find around here. OO has a complete set and then some but can never find his so he borrows mine!. As to the stemware...you get stuff like that for wedding and house warming gifts. Besides you can buy clear plastic stemware in most large stationary warehouse outlets and Costco-type and party places. Being a student means making do with what you have. jelly glasses are most servicable *smile* I remember!!!

BTW, Dear, welcome to your quiet hom again. With you occupied and John getting studious again, I was in here talking to myself yesterday. Most despressing!

Alas! Really, I would have preferred you to my company, who seemed more interested in reading my books than talking to me!

How very odd...and more than a little incorrect as to manners and all that. It is just as important to be a gracious guest as it is to be a gracious hostess!

She's very peculiar--I don't even know why she comes to visit, because she almost always ends up disappearing into my room and I find her in there with a book. It's rather odd when I try to engage her in a conversation and she's reading...I think I shall stick to my school friends!

...I tend to agree with you...that is not the sort of person I would go out of my way to entertain. You, on the other hand...*smile* !!!

My mother taught me how to be a good guest--take a gift; clean up after yourself; offer to help with dishes, cooking, etc; don't eat like a pig; be sure to tell your host several times how much you appreciate being invited; always have enough money to pay for dinner, entertainments, etc.--I guess some people just weren't raised right!

Ah...I am not surprised to know that you were raised correctly; your mother loved you enough to spend the time to make you gracious as well as lovely. I am almost afraid it is a lost art! You hit on all the social niceties - and I'll bet your "guest" hit on none of them.

I know...I think common courtesy is a dying art, and some people think it's "affected" and "snobbish"!

...I have has this conversation with other women who think as we do - and common sense went the way of common courtesy. Very uncommon these days! (You did not go the cotillion route, too, did you?!)

No, I wasn't raised in that kind of family...I think we're what Victorians would have called "shabby-genteel"--working class, not by any means wealthy, but with strong morals and very strict ideas about what is proper. You don't have to be rich to have manners.

This is true...you did not miss anything, and most likely gained more self-esteem than knowing a large group of phonies ever could. Your kind of family (not so different from mine, I think) is what made America as good as it once was and no longer is. But that screwed topic is too messed-up for even this topic!

I used to be very worried about what people would think of me because I didn't grow up with much of anything as far as material goods are concerned. I once had a conversation with my Belov�d about people thinking I was white trash, and he said, "I don't think you'll ever have to worry about that, Amy."

He is right. Anyone who write and gracefully as you write and is temperate in all things not involving John (hee hee)is a lady in every meaningful sense of the word. I might not like you as much if you were not!

I knew he was! (Right, that is.)*smile* I just wrote a personal narrative essay for my teaching methods class about "proper ladylike behavior" and how I sabotage myself sometimes--I would email you a copy but it is so long! It's very funny (so I was told,) and my classmates have not stopped teasing me yet!

send it to me as a file...! My ISP can handle it! We all manage to sabotage ourselves from time to time and grasp our heads in our hands and wonder what ever were we thinking...!!!

Okay, I'll work on it--I'm not entirely certain how to do it, but I'll figure out how.

Okey-dokey, I've sent it and I believe that the essay should be attached. It's coming from my school email account, so it won't say "Irishprincess"--it will probably say "amk995s." Let me know as soon as you get it!

...Ihave read it and enjoyed it hugely and emailed you at your regular email about it...Thanks!

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrotethe following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no soulsare leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze. The student received the only "A" given.

Oh my gosh, that is hilarious! Where do you find all of these things, Marcia?

Thanks for inviting me over here, Marcia. Lovely furniture, though the carpet makes me dizzy. ;) I'll be a good guestie -- my mom taught me those same courtesies, Amy, and they've stood me well against the "fish and visitors stink after 3 days" maxim.

Not if you are invited to stay by the hostess, and I invite you to stay here where no troll have yet ventured... At least you do not get angry email from people as regards what they think you meant a dozen or so posts back...!

YAY! Maybe this is what happens to the trolls before they get here?

Oooch! That looks painful... Thanks for posting it here. How timely!

I aim to please! :)

*dig* *oof* dig* (shovelling and throwing and planting and packing) *oof* *pat* There! The troll-eating trees are all planted just waiting for one of the nefarious beings to intrude on our special place. he he he

LOL you sure 'nuf did! I am pleased as pussywillows in spring!

Take that, ya mean old witch!

She did take it smack in the Uff da, didn't she!

I was imagining that it was a particular "mean old witch" that I know!d :-)

Yup - it's her!!! *chortle*

Hope it took the spring out of her step...*wink*

*clicking my tongue at you disapprovingly* Naughty Marcia!

Hey, she is a wicked stepmother - what can I tell you?! Tis not my fault that I am just a kid and she isn't...=P

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy costume company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate". The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part". Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your backside and go as a caramel apple!"

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife that reads: "Dear Wife, I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary." When he arrived at the hotel there was a fax waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I, too, am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Hilton with my handsome and virile 18 year old boytoy. You being an accountant will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

oh drool....

We should all have one issued to us, should we not?! Of our choice, of course! Welcome to Screwed, Dorothy! Aloha!

I have no desire for a boytoy! I want a smart one! Once, a literature professor of mine (you know the one) asked everyone in the class if we were prefer a spouse who was ugly and faithful, or beautiful and unfaithful? Everyone of course said ugly and faithful, except, of course, me. I said, "All I want is a smart man. If he's smart, I don't care what he does." My professor didn't dignify it with a response, but he was dying to.

This was posted "anonymously" in the English Department office of my university: Question 3A: In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question: Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person? Answer: I am a dynamic figure, often scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. I write award-winner operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty mi utes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract ar ist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with dea ly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I knnow the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weav , I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a moulinex and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. B t I have not yet gone to college.

Love that one, Amy. ;)

Great posts, all! Thanks for adding a touch of class to this decidedly low-brow site (that is its purpose, actually!)

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns,unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association, although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so she divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheque on accessories for it.

And? What opinion made it?

It think it is a split personality thing with computers. At times mine is all male, at others, it is the most capricious of females. Yours?

Mine too. At times, it can be everything I hate about both sexes. I suppose I am a computer misanthrope...would that be a miscomprope? *silly laugh*

*giggle* I guess it might just be! I have made love to mine and spat venom at it as well. Depends on the circumstances...

Whenever life get's a little to heavy it always helps to review the words of a great Swami. by Swami Beyondananda 1. Be a Fundamentalist--make sure the Fun always comes before the mental. Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be canceled. A laugh track has been provided, and the reason why we are put in the material world is to get more material. Have a good laughsitive twice a day, and that will ensure regularhilarity. 2. Remember that each of us has been given a special gift, just for entering - so you are already a winner! 3. The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision. That is where I tell a vision to you, and you tell a vision to me. That way, if we don't like the programming we're getting, we can simply change the channel. 4. Life is like photography. You use the negative to develop. 5. It is true. As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought particles tend to get caught between the ears, causing a condition called truth decay. So be sure to use mental floss twice a day. And when you're tempted to practice tantrum yoga, remember what we teach in Swami's Absurdiveness Training class: *Don't get even, get odd.* 6. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you, you no mad at me. That way, there'll surely be nomadness on the planet. And peace begins with each of us. A little peace here, a little peace there, pretty soon all the peaces will fit together to make one big peace everywhere. 7. I know great earth changes have been predicted for the future, so if you're looking to avoid earthquakes, my advice is simple. When you find a fault, just don't dwell on it. 8. There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet train the world, and we'll never have to change it again. 9. If you're looking to find the key to the Universe, I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is: there is no key to the Universe. The good news is: it has been left unlocked. 10. Finally, everything I have told you is channeled. That way, if you don't like it, it's not my fault. And remember, enlightenment is not a bureaucracy. So we don't have to go through channels.

From a San Diego Father who has identified 35 truths he learned from his children: 1. There is no such thing as childproofing your house. 2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3. A 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42- pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a Superman cape. 5. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20' room. 6. Baseballs make marks on ceilings. 7. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up several times before you get a hit. 8. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. 9. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long ways. 10. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 11. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh- oh", it is already too late. 12. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke----------lots of it. 13. A 6 year-old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 60-year old man says it can only be done in the movies. 14. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. 15. If you use a waterbed as a home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak. It explodes. 16. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. ft house almost 4 inches deep. 17. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old. 18. Duplos will not. 19. Play-Doh and microwave ovens should never be used in the same sentence. 20. Super Glue is forever. 21. MacGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. 22. So can Tarzan. 23. No matter how much Jell-O you put in the pool, you still can't walk on water. 24. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 25. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do. 26. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 27. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 28. You probably don't want to know what that odor is. 29. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. 30. Plastic toys do not like ovens. 31. The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5-minute response. 32. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 33. It will, however, make cats dizzy. 34. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 35. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life. (....unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)

Oh my gosh, that is hilarious! I'm cracking up as I'm typing this! Whoever wrote it must live with my brother!

...or most assuredly had children of his own!!! It is amazing the little scapers survive!!! Or their parents, for that matter =)

*ROTFL*

I thought it was hilarious...house gorilla did not think it was funny. Oh well.

This is the transcript of an Actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations. 10-10-95... a.. Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid collision. b.. Canadians: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. c.. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. d.. Canadians: No. I repeat, divert YOUR course. e.. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT IS ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. f.. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Ha!! that's a golden oldie and I love it every time I read it!

Me too - I put it on just in case anyone had missed it. Talk about arrogance and the last word...even if it is apocryphal.

HAPPY HALLOWE'EN - SAMHAIN The latest Dumb Blonde story: Once upon a time there was a blonde with long hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheepherder over. "That's a nice flock of sheep.", she said. "Well thank you.", said the herder. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.", said the woman. "Okay.", replied the herder. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?", asked the woman. "Sure.", said the sheepherder. So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382". "Wow.", said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Upon watching this, the herder approached the woman and offered, "Okay,now I have a proposition for you". "What is it?", queried the woman. "If I can guess the real color of your hair... can I have my dog back?"

Remember when: You were born a daughter. You looked up to your mother. You looked up to your father. You looked up to everyone. You wanted to be a princess. You wanted to own a horse. You wanted your brother to be a horse. You wanted to wear pink. You never wanted to wear pink. You wanted to be a veterinarian. You wanted to be president. You wanted to be the president's veterinarian. You were picked last for the team. You were the best one on the team. You refused to be on the team. You wanted to do well in algebra. You hid during algebra. You wanted boys to notice you. You were afraid the boys would notice you. You started to get acne. You started to get breasts. You started to get acne that was bigger than your breasts. You wouldn't wear a bra. You couldn't wait to wear a bra. You couldn't fit into a bra. You didn't like the way you looked. You didn't like the way your parents looked. You didn't want to grow up. You had your first best friend. You had your first date. You spent hours on the telephone. You got kissed. You got to kiss back. You didn't go to the prom. You went to the prom with the wrong person. You spent hours on the telephone. You fell in love. You fell in love. You fell in love. You lost your best friend. You lost your other best friend. You really fell in love. You became a steady girlfriend. You became a significant other You became significant to yourself. Sooner or later, you start to take yourself seriously. You know when you need a break. You know when you need a rest. You know what to get worked up about, and what to get rid of. You know when it's time to take care of yourself, when it's time to do something that makes you stronger, faster & more confident. Because you know it's never too late to live life and never too late to change one. "Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble." Send this to 5 phenomenal women today in celebration of Women's History Month. "Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget."

Actual answers given by contestants in the game show Family Feud: Name something a blind person might use - A sword (Zatoichi, maybe?) Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers - A horse Name something that floats in the bath - Water Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair Something you do before going to bed - Sleep Something you put on walls - Roofs Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters Something associated with the police - Pigs A sign of the zodiac - April Something slippery - A conman Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog A food that can be brown or white - Potato Something with a hole in it - Window A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate

It Happened One Day In Eden... "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve; in that case, I have a solution." "I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man,' Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly." "He'll basically give you a hard time." "He'll be bigger, faster, and more muscular than you." "He'll be really good at fighting, kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants." "But, he'll be pretty good in the sack." "I can put up with that," says Eve with an ironically raised eyebrow. "Yeah well, he's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick." "But, there is one condition." "What's that Lord?" "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

The Top 14 Biblical Ways to Get a Wife 1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13) 2. Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3) 3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. - Moses (Exodus 2:16-21) 4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10) 5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25) 6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. [Note: this will cost you.- Adam] (Gen 2:19-24) 7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30) 8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife - David (I Samuel 18:27) 9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis 4:16-17) 10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4) 11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14:1-) 12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). - David (2 Samuel 11) 13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth) 14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

The only easy one is 9, wandering around. I'll skip the foreskins, that's for overacheivers.

And they say finding a spouse is difficult these days!

Wandering around seems to be the only practical one up there. Think I'd skip the rest as well. The remainder seems little like a Crap-shoot...I like better odds than that. Thanks for posting it, Nan!

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto maker for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"

Figgers, in Texas, until recently, it was legal to drive while drinking a beer.

You were allowed an open container in the vehicle? Not in Hawaii. You'll be arrensted and charged so quickly your head'll spin! (Glad they tightened up on that since some very special people navigate Texas roads...*smile*)

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians. 1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year 2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely. 3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993. 5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. 7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful. 8. The patient refused an autopsy. 9. The patient has no past history of suicides. 10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. 11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up. 15. She is numb from her toes down. 16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. 17. The skin was moist and dry. 18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. 19. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. 21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. 22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. 27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present. 28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor. 29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. 30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Oooh, Nan! These are really funny!!! Thanks for posting them. Semantics...I wonder if the same things happen in other languages!

*LOL* That's great! Thanks for posting it, Nan!

It sounds like a good idea! YOU KNOW YOU ARE GETTING OLDER WHEN..... 1. You and your teeth don't sleep together. 2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any. 3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal. 4. Your back goes out but you stay home. 5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture. 6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch. (Love this one!) 7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio. 8. When happy hour is a nap. 9. When you're on vacation and your ENERGY runs out before your money does. 10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it. 11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age. 12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there. 13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up. 14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired. 15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer. 16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr. 17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. 18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend. 19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot. 20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals. 21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good. 22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work. 23. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there. 24. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good. 25. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore. 26. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. 27. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

Dear Santa: I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply. I want to slap Martha Stewart. Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it. OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego. We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart Living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave." The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either." Well, lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa! That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker? In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher, that qualifies as "put away" in my house! Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue. She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s," and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha: "Get new friends." Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation. Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt). The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge. A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast. This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off. If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right? When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back. "Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha. And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives. There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year. You probably want to smack her yourself.

Two men were boasting to each other about their old Army days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click." "Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle." "What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other off hand, "just our medals." --------------------------------------------------------- "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews: (P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION (P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement (S) Almost replaced left inside main tire (P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough (S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft (P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid (S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage (P) Something loose in cockpit (S) Something tightened in cockpit (P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear (S) Evidence removed (P) DME volume unbelievably loud (S) Volume set to more believable level (P) Dead bugs on windshield (S) Live bugs on order (P) Autopilot in Altitude Hold Mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent (S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground (P) IFF (Identification Friend or Foe) inoperative (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick (S) That's what they're there for (P) Number three engine missing (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search (P) Aircraft handles funny (aughing. Saddam doesn't get it - what the hell is going on here? But he hasn't been harmed yet, so he sits down again to talk further. After a few minutes Clinton presses the final button. This time, Saddam stays sitting, but Clinton isn't: He's is rolling on the floor, doubled up in laughter. Saddam is really annoyed by now, so he stands up from his chair and shouts: "I've had enough of this, I'm going back to Baghdad!" (Through tears of laughter from the floor) - "Baghdad? .....what Baghdad?" --------------------------------------------------------- A private is on duty in the motor pool when the phone rings: "Soldier, can you tell me what equipment is available for use immediately?" The voice on the other end asked. "Well, sir, we have two tanks, a half dozen half-tracks, two armored personnel carriers, a couple of motorcycles, and fat-ass Johnson's command jeep." "Soldier? Do you know who you are speaking to?" "No sir." "This is Major Johnson, your commander!" "Uh Sir? Do you know who you are speaking to?" "Not yet!" "That's good! Bye, Fat-Ass!" --------------------------------------------------------- The young Ensign approached the crusty old Chief and asked him about the origin of the commissioned office insignias. "Well, Ensign, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a Lieutenant Junior Grade represents value, but less malleable. When you make Lieutenant, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars. As a Captain, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As an Admiral, you're obviously a star. That answer your question?" "Yeah, but what about Commanders and Lieutenant Commanders?" "Now that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves . . . " --------------------------------------------------------- Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother." "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!" "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could." --------------------------------------------------------- A couple of A-10's are escorting a C-130 Hercules and their pilots were chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk fell on the subject of relative merits of their respective aircraft with the fighter pilots holding their planes were better because of their maneuverability, weaponry and the like. The C-130 pilot replied "Yeah? Well I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about." Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate. "Just watch," he tells them. The C-130 continues to fly straight and level, and after several minutes the Herk pilot returns to the air and says, "There! How was that?" Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots say, "What are you talking about? What did you do?" He replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went back an took a piss." --------------------------------------------------------- Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: Sure, buddy. Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Soldier: Do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: No, SIR! --------------------------------------------------------- In the Ozarks, there was a mountaineer that was reputed to have the best hunting dog ever, by the name of Co-pilot. Three city folks went up in the mountains and wanted to rent him. "Good huntin dog, gonna cost ya $50.00 a day." They agreed, and three days later came back with the limit. The next year they came back. "Co-pilot got better, gonna cost ya $75.00 a day." Again they agreed, and 2 days later came back with the limit. The third year they came back and told the mountaineer they had to have Co-pilot, even if it cost $100.00 a day. "You can have the worthless mutt for $5.00 a day, and I'm overcharging you $4.00." "But we don't understand, what happened to him?" "Well, a crew from that there air base in Okaloosa County Florida come up and rented him. One of them idiots called him pilot, and he's been sitting on his ass barkin ever since." --------------------------------------------------------- Q. How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party? A: He'll tell you. Q. What's the difference between God and fighter pilots? A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot. Q. What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine? A: A jet engine stops whining when the planes shuts down. --------------------------------------------------------- Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks. The first Marine said, "Those are deer tracks." The second Marine said, "No, those are elk tracks." The third Marine said "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks." The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them. --------------------------------------------------------- A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves-the barbers were reaching for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that shit on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like. --------------------------------------------------------- A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex. "1956," was his immediate reply. "No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Honey, you need to get out more." "I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch. "It's only 2014 now." --------------------------------------------------------- "Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave." "Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I'm never going to stand in line again!" --------------------------------------------------------- HAPPY VETERANS DAY!!! Keep up the great work everyone, and be careful out there. ---------------------------------------------------------

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine." Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I AM KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS." Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows." They no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteen- wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend." Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting. First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!" *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

ollowing were actual answers to a 6th grade history test: 1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?" 3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada. 4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. 5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth. 6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. 7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. 8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. 9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. 10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus." 11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them. 12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. 13. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense. 14. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. 15. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. 16. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah." 17. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. 18. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroicouplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet. 19. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. 20. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. 21. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. 22. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. 23. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. 24. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. 25. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. 26. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees. 27. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large. 28. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. 29. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children. 30. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. 31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

dont need the bold letters anymore, thank you!