Why is sex alot like playing bridge? If you have a good hand, you dont need a partner!

Gads - ok... conversation afterward gets a bit boring, though... ANAGRAMS An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has far too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one!) George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He bugs Gore Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in em Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler Snooze Alarms: When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes: When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: It can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into: TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Subject: Points to Ponder...! Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is a boxing ring square? Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is it that rain drops but snow falls? Why is it that to stop Windows 95 or 98, you have to click on "Start"? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary? Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton had a big red slap mark on his cheek. (1) The blonde thought - "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face" (2) The fat lady thought - "That dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him". (3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me". (4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again".

EXERCISE 1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month. 2. My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She is now 97 and we don't know where she is. 3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. 4. I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. 5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing. 6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, we would have been made with them farther up our bodies. 7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. 8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. 9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. 10.If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. 11. And last, but not least, I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Pass the word around quietly that spring.net is moving to a new server, I'm doing this by remote control while I'm on vacation. Folks need to "save their work" as a precaution. I got *soaked* big time by our currnet hosts this month on bandwidth charges, I haven't notified them yet so I don't want to blast this all over porch or drool, but Marci please email appropriate folks (ann, etc) and let them know to make backups. I'm available by email or 512 680 4888 while I'm in SF, CA this week.

Did that and are well on our way to being reinstated - Telnet too - on new server!!! Now, to get it to accept my posts......sigh. This serveris far superior - Mahalo Nui Loa, Terry!

Inappropriate Children's Books 1) You Are Different and That's Bad 2) The Boy Who Died From Eating All of His Vegetables 3) Dad's New Wife Robert 4) Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share 5) Hammers, Screwdrivers, and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book 6) The Kid's Guide to Hitch-hiking 7) Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her 8) Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence 9) All Cats Go to Hell 10) The Little Sissy Who Snitched 11) Some Kittens Can Fly 12) That's It, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption 13) Grandpa Gets a Casket 14) The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator 15) Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia 16) The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy 17) Strangers Have the Best Candy 18) Whining, Kicking, and Crying to Get Your Way 19) You Were an Accident 20) Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will 21) Pop! Goes the Hamster, and Other Fun Microwave Games 22) The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan 23) Your Nightmares Are Real 24) Where Would You Like to Be Buried? 25) Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School 26) Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Can Be Friends 27) Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things 28) Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Thanks JK *Hugs* Bumper Stickers that SHOULD exist 1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. 2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. 3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me 4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. 7) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. 8) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 9) BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. 10) I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made. 11) So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute 12) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 13) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 14) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing. 15) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. 16) My kid had sex with your honor student. 17) Earth first...we'll mind the other planets later. 18) I'm just driving this way to piss you off. 19) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 20) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. 21) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ. 22) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 23) God must love stupid people, he made so many. 24) The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 25) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 26) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. 27) I took an IQ test and the results were negative. 28) It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. 29) Give me ambiguity or give me something else. 30) I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself. 31) Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself. 32) Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. 33) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes. 34) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. 35) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 36) CAT----- The Other White Meat 37) Beer----- The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon 38) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes 39) I'm Out Of Bed And Dressed-----What More Do You Want? 40) Remember My Name------You'll Be Screaming It Later. 41) Welcome To Shit Creek-----Sorry, We're Out of Paddles 42) If You Think I'm A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother. 43) Jesus loves you. Everybody else thinks you're an asshole

In the Birmingham Sunday Mercury (7th Jan 2001): WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR 5 DAYS Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay. George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend. His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: "George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything. "He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself." A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts for medical textbooks when he died. You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally. And the moral of the story: Don't work too hard. Nobody notices anyway.

************************* We Have Been Diagnosed ************************* Friends, I'm writing you to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed with a very serious condition and there's no hope I will ever get over it... It may be hereditary as well... The scientific world is frantically searching for a cure. This is an ailment many of us suffer from and may not as yet have been diagnosed... However, now you may be able to discuss it with your loved ones and try to explain what really happened to you all those times you tried so hard to accomplish something and didn't... It's called the "Butfirst Syndrome." It's like when I decide to do the laundry -I start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. Okay, I'm going to do the laundry - Butfirst I'm going to read the newspaper. After that, I notice the mail on the table... Okay, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack, Butfirst I'll look through that pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Now where's the checkbook? Oops! There's the emptyglass from yesterday on the coffee table. I'm going to look for thatcheckbook, Butfirst I need to put the glass in the sink. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water. I put the glass in the sink, and darn it, there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What's it doing here? I'll just put it away, Butfirst I need to water those plants. Head for door and Ack! Stepped on the dog. :x Dog needs to be fed... Okay, I'll put that remote away and water the plants... Butfirst I need to feed the dog! At the end of day: Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are unpaid, checkbook is still missing, and the dog ate the remote control... AND, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done all day, I'm baffled,because I KNOW I was BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious....and I should get help, Butfirst I think I'll read all my email!

*************************** Real Southerners know.... *************************** The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit. Pretty much how many fish make up a mess. What general direction cattywumpus is. That "gimme sugar" don't mean pass the sugar. When somebody's "fixin" to do something, it won't be long. The difference between Yankees and damn Yankees. How good a cold grape Nehi and cheese crackers are at a country store. Knows what, "Well I Suwannee !!" means. Ain't nobody's biscuits like Grandma's biscuits!! A good dog is worth its weight in gold. Real gravy don't come from the store. The War of Northern Aggression was over state rights, not slavery. When "by and by" is. How to handle their "pot likker". The difference between "pert near" and "a right far piece". The differences between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and trailer trash. Never to go snipe hunting twice. What happens when you swallow tobacco juice. Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn. You may wear long sleeves, but you should always roll 'em up past the elbows. You should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to anybody. A belt serves a greater purpose than holding Daddy's pants up. Rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress relievers. Rocking chairs and swings with an old person in them are history lessons. GOD BLESS DIXIE , Flag and All !!! ------------------------------ AND PS: Did you know the Confederate flag was Originally Designed by a Negro??? Bet ya didn't ;-)

***************** Aimless thoughts ***************** The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content. I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here. "I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast." I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that. I got a sweater for Christmas... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. I see your IQ test results were negative. Regular naps prevent old age .....especially if you take them while driving. When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shit head's. Women should not have children after 35. Really...35 children are enough Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect. "Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive." Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted. I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18." How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. I mixed Rogaine with Viagra... now I've got hair like Don King. The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

Poland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small 2 seater plane crashed into a cemetery this morning. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that the number will climb as the digging continues into the night.

For the above I thank an eminent American archaeologist who wishes to remain anonymous! Thanks anyway, Don!

This clever piece reprinted from the Taiwan daily Gazette, by staff writer Wun Wing Lo: In a heroic dogfight fought over international waters off the mainland China coast, a 60's era American built Lockheed Electra propeller airliner with 24 US Navy passenger/observers aboard chewed up one of China's best state-of-the-art supersonic fighter aircraft. The Americans, utilizing the infrequently seen combat tactic of straight and level flight, often accomplished by relying solely on autopilot, engaged the unfortunate single seat combat jet and knocked it out of the air using only one of the EP-3's four formidable rotating air mass propellers. After the action the crew and passenger/observers dropped in on China's Hainan Island Resort for some much-deserved R&R as guests of the Chinese government.

******************** Very Special People ******************** 1. When his. 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: he peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned, this time it worked. 2. Laborer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to restore his sight and said agreeably to his wife: 'Boy, you sure have got fat in four years'. 3. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. 4. Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti, Rumania, were naturally somewhat taken aback when she abruptly leapt from her coffin as it was being carried to the grave. Before they could react to this unexpected outburst, the woman bounded into the nearest road, where she was run over and killed by a passing car. 5. An American tourist in South America had the misfortune to be attacked by killer bees as he stood on the bank of the Amazon. Seeking refuge, he leapt into the river - and was devoured by piranha fish. 6. A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather coconuts from trees demonstrated a pressing need for a refresher course when it leapt onto the shoulders of a passer-by in Kuala Lumpur and tried to twist his head off. The man was treated at a local hospital for a sprained neck. 7. In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old youth was charged with beating up his fifteen-year-old wife after the latter hid the caps to his toy pistol. 8. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. [Understandably,] he shot her dead. 9. One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was chosen in 1979 was taste in clothing. 10. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. 11. In Minneapolis, USA, 28 year old Derrick L Richardson has been charged with third-degree murder of his much loved cousin, Ken E. Richardson. According to local police, Derrick had suggested to Ken that they play a game of Russian Roulette, but, having no revolver, instead put a semi-automatic pistol to his cousin's head. Apparently, he did not realize that one bullet always loads into the firing chamber of a semi-automatic. 12. Texan prisons have banned convicts on death row from having a last cigarette, on the grounds that it is bad for their health. 13. An American teenager was in a hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked about how he received the injuries, the lad told the police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. 14. Thrash-happy judges in Saudi Arabia have sentenced a Filipino man to 75 lashes for possession of alcohol - after he was caught with two chocolate liqueurs at an airport. 15. Following the initiatives of the Afghan Taliban government - which has banned kite-flying, TV watching and wearing white socks - Iran is also cracking down on its more decadent citizens. Ayatollah Mohammed Yadzi has decreed that dog walking is to be made illegal, saying that taking dogs out onto the streets was 'a public insult', as it was a blind imitation of Westerners.

China Blames U. S. for Yet Another Midair Collision BEIJING (Reuters) - Chinese officials have stated that they are holding the United States, "fully responsible" for today's mid-air collision, involving several Chinese aircraft and one American craft. This comes just weeks after a similar incident involving a U. S. spy plane. Officials have stated that at approximately 8:25 a. m., GMT, a squadron of Chinese F-8 fighters collided with an American Goodyear Blimp. The crash left over a dozen Chinese planes downed and the blimp's electronic billboard damaged. Sources say the billboard's scrolling marquee had been advertising the soft drink 7-UP, but after the collision, only the words "Up yours" could be seen. A Chinese pilot who witnessed the collision between his squadron, nicknamed, "Panda Rash" told China's Xinhua news agency that he saw the American blimp dive out of the clouds and crash into wingman Sum Yung Gui's F-8 jet. "I told Yung Gui his tail was all broken. 'Keep it straight. Keep it straight'", said the pilot. "He just couldn't shake the American foreign-devil!" The blimp then reportedly veered hard left and then right, taking out the rest of the squadron. Pilot Chawp Suey told Xinhua the American blimp is "fully responsible for the incident", repeating the language Beijing has used in the earlier incident. China blames this new accident on the Goodyear blimp, saying it rammed the supersonic fighters, and has demanded an apology. Officials from the Goodyear Company have said it is unlikely that the slow propeller-driven blimp could turn inside and ram a dozen nimble fighters, unless the Chinese were testing chimp pilots. "The direct cause of the collision was that the American blimp made a sudden big move toward the Chinese planes, making it impossible for the Chinese planes to get out of the way", Suey was quoted as saying. "The savage act of American blimps colliding with Chinese planes while conducting spying activities at sporting events makes us indignant", he was quoted as saying.

For someone very special - I have not forgotten! If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you." --- Winnie the Pooh "True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost." ---Charles Caleb Colton "A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out." "Friendship is one mind in two bodies." ---Mencius "Friends are God's way of taking care of us." "If you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend." ---Stone Temple Pilots "I'll lean on you and you lean on me and we'll be okay." ---dave Mathews band "If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them." "Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say." "We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere." --- Tim McGraw "My father always used to say that when you die, if you've got five real friends, then you've had a great life." ---Lee Iacocca "Hold a true friend with both your hands." ---Nigerian Proverb "A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words." ---unknown

*************** The Pharmacist *************** Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket." "Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued,"Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it...half of them hit the floor and broke." "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer...and believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell here how to use it.

For the religious, the less religious, and those who just need English practice .... Background: Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned in any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. _____ Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to follow them: a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die? i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Your devoted disciple and adoring fan

That would keep Dr. Laura pretty busy.

In the Beginning... In the Beginning, God created heaven and the earth. Quickly He was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why He began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that He just liked to be creative. Then God said "Let there be light", and immediately the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the fire; that He would obtain a building permit; and to conse! rve energy, would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said He would call the light 'Day' and the darkness 'Night'. Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics. God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed". The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth". Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society. Everything was fine until God said he wanted to complete the project in Six days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-! 12 months before ..... At this point, God created Hell.

To celebrate Marcia's birthday let's all go and learn a little Hawaiian!!!! Go look at this site ... it's a beauty! http://www.geocities.com/~olelo/ HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

Why Engineers Don't Write Cookbooks (source unknown) Thanks for sending this, JSK. *Hugs* Chocolate Chip Cookies Ingredients: 1. 532.35 cm3 gluten 2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3 3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite 4. 236 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride 5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11 6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11 7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde 8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein ovoids 9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao 10.) 236 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10) To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank &Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

Maggie! Thank you! How did you know Kealii Reichel is my favorite Hawaiian singer? His stuff is so gloriously beautiful. Kawaipunahele is my favorite but I like anything he does. What a lovely site. Mahmlo Nui Loa!

WOMEN'S BUMPER STICKERS 1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME. 2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS. 3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING. 4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS. 5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG. 6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH. 7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN 8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN. 9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF. 10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN. 11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES? 12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES 13. AND YOUR POINT IS?

Knowing when to scream Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave and they're getting a little impatient. But the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon and the flight can take off immediately there after. The entrance opens and two men walk upthe aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a white, tipped cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the men enter the cockpit. The door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing around, nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the edge of the water at the end of the airport's property. It begins to look as though the plane will never take off - that it will plow into the water!! Panicked screams fill the cabin -- but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly. Soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die?!"

Son of YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF.... You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center. Your boat / 55 Chevy has not left the driveway in 15 years. You burn your yard rather than mow it. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. You come back from the dump with more than you took. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list. You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. You've bathed with flea and tick soap. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell. You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture. You took a fishing pole to Sea World. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. You have a rag for a gas cap. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. You can spit without opening your mouth. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler. You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

THIS EXPLAINS IT ALL... All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead. Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cell necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak, and some of their cards are in their shorts. This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as "Engineers." Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Fighter Pilots." A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as......"Mr. President."

************** Bra Shopping ************** A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife" What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?" "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied The salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what the types were. The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?" Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?" The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft Error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules. Each poem has only three lines, 17 syllables: five syllables in the first line, seven in the second, five in the third. Haiku is used to communicate a timeless message often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity -- the essence of Zen: ------------------------------------------ Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone. ------------------------------------------ The Website you seek Cannot be located, but Countless more exist. ------------------------------------------- Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. --------------------------------------------- Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much. ------------------------------------------------ Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. -------------------------------------------------- Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that. -------------------------------------------------- First snow, then silence. This thousand-dollar screen dies So beautifully. -------------------------------------------------- With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found. --------------------------------------------------- The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao-until You bring fresh toner. ------------------------------------------------- Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down. -------------------------------------------------- A crash reduces Your expensive computer To a simple stone. -------------------------------------------------- Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred. ------------------------------------------------- You step in the stream, But the water has moved on. This page is not here. -------------------------------------------------- Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. ------------------------------------------------- Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped. -------------------------------------------------- Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

***************** LAWYER IN SPACE! ***************** NASA was interviewing professionals they were figuring on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth. The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater--Rice University." The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question. "Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research." The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars." "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."

After first seeing Microsoft's slogan for its upcoming Windows XP operating system, "it just works," I couldn't help wondering: what were the slogans for all the previous releases? After thinking about it for a while, they became obvious. Windows 1.0: Good joke, eh? Windows 2.0: Still funny, isn't it? Windows 286: Yeah, we're still kidding. Windows 386: Going boldly where Desqview has been for years. Windows 3.0: It's finally worth buying! Windows 3.1: It's finally worth using! Windows 95: Going boldly where the Mac has been for years. Windows 98: More usable! Less stable! Windows 98SE: More stable! Less usable! Windows ME: Less usable AND less stable! NT 1.0: Give me more hardware! NOW!!! NT 2.0: Dammit, I said MORE HARDWARE!!! NOW!!!! NT 3.0: Which part of "more hardware" do you not understand? NT 3.5: With enough hardware, I'd work. Honest. NT 4.0: Does less than Win98 with twice the hardware at one-half the speed. Windows 2K: Works almost as well as Windows 98! Honest! Windows XP: It just works.

Aloha Gary! Welcome to Spring. Where better to greet the funniest man on the planet than here?! Make yourself comfortable, take off your shoes and get laid back (Watchit!) *Hugs* is how we greet special newcomers. Consider that you have also been bedecked with a lei. I'd put it another way but I do not want to hurt your delicate sensibilities. *;)

Buying a Modern Bathing Suit I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture & humiliation known as buying a bathing suit. When I was a child, bathing suits for women with a "mature" figure was designed for a mature figure. Reinforced, and not so much sewn as engineered to hold back & lift up where necessary. Todays stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip! The mature woman has a choice....she can either shop in the maternity department & try on a floral suits with a skirt and come off looking like a hippo from Disney's Fantasia, or wander from store to store only to find what amounts to a designers idea of fluorescent rubber bands. I made what I thought was a sensible choice from the non-maternity dept. and entered into the "chamber of horrors" known as the dressing room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary strength of the stretch material. I believe the Lycra used in this suit was developed by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot! I fought my way into the suit of choice but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror.....my bosom had disappeared! Eventually, I found one bosom cowering under my left armpit and it took a while to find the other flattened against my seventh rib. I eventually figured out the problem. These modern suits have no bra cups! The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed bump. As I realigned my "speed bump" and turned toward the mirror to take a full view assessment of the fit, I found only bits of me willing to stay inside where they belonged. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of playdough wearing undersized cling wrap! As I tried to work out where all those extra bits of me had escaped from, in pops the prepubescent sales girl to see if I needed any assistance. I replied that I would be grateful if she would show me some other designs. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a wad of masking tape; two floral numbers that gave me the appearance of an oversized napkin in a napkin ring and a leopard skin suit with ragged frill which made me look like Tarzan's Jane pregnant with triplets and having a rough day! The black number with a midriff gave off the thought of a jellyfish in mourning and the bright pink pair had such high cut legs I would have had to wax my eyebrows to wear them! Finally I found a suit that fit...a two piece affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was comfortable, inexpensive and bulge friendly so I bought it. When I got home, I read the label which said "Material may become transparent in water". Oh goody!.......I'm determined to wear it anyway. I'll just try to remember leave the towel by the step as I crawl out of the pool, or do a breast stroke maneuver in the sand if at the beach. A mature woman can only take so much torture in one year.

Sounds like you're trapped in that suit for life. It's the last outfit you'll ever need. Have you tested the water theory yet, be sure to have your webcam on when you do this test as you'll need some scientific observers to validate the findings. And send some pictures of you doing that breast stroke in the sand.

I am happy to report that this lady is not so over-bountifully endowed that I have that sort of abundant poundage to squash into the suit of choice. However, locals swim in cutoff shorts and tank tops. No one buys store-bought swim suits except for the tourists. I'll make certain you have the front row when next I strip down for a dive in the drink! See that Hilo Webcam I mentioned? That's the Pacific you see and it is right where some surfers gather when the swell direction is just right. Marci, hangin' ten

What's that webcam address again?

http://www.tsunami.org/hilobaycam.htm (it works best on Netscape!) ************************************ STEVEN WRIGHT'S BEST DEADPAN HUMOR! ************************************ I put Instant Coffee in a Microwave and went back in time. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station... Can atheists get insurance for acts of God? If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP? Does fuzzy logic tickle? If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery? I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"? Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? What WAS the best thing before sliced bread? Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow. I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was doing. I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it. I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that." I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?" My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes. I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger. I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open. I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open. You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time. I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick." There aren't enough days in the weekend. My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on. The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards. Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill. Is "tired old clich=E9" one? If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows. Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business. I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back. I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension. I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, 'Can I help you?' And I said, 'Yeah, do you got anything I like?' He said, 'What do you mean do we have anything you like?' I said, 'You started this'. If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? How come abbreviated is such a long word? If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead? Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers? Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, 'Give me two boys and a girl'. What's another word for Thesaurus? If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go? One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95. I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, 'I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month.' Why is it, 'A penny for your thoughts,' but, you have to 'put your two cents' in? Somebody's making a penny. When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep well?' I said, 'No, I made a few mistakes.' If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut? War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'Help Wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'Self Service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. On the other hand... You have different fingers. If the pen is mightier than the sword, then in a duel I'll let you have the pen! It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room temperature. I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar'. In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute. Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time. It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. How young can you die of old age? I went to a restaurant that serves 'Breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'Pet supplies'. So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said 'Compact cars'... I've been doing a lot oF abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it. My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York. If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile =3D 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6". It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it. One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators. I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four." I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology...The study of milkmen. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is? Does the reverse side also have a reverse side? If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus. You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time. How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb? I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg. I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club? When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare? My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. Smoking cures weight problems...eventually... Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?" I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back. Half the people you know are below average. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house. While I was gone, somebody rearranged all the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: 'Do I know you?' Doing a little work around the house, I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, 'Go ahead, touch it... It feels real'. My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me! Do fish get cramps after eating? Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door? Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air. My socks DO match. They're the same thickness. Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour. I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes". My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year. I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs. The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum. I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale." I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York. A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will." I had my coat hangers spayed. I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone. I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded." I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake. When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety. It's a fine night to have an evening. Even snakes are afraid of snakes. I can't stop thinking like this. This isn't all true. You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time. I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet. I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect. What are imitation rhinestones? If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? If God dropped acid, would he see people? I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose. I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. Next week I'm moving to Mars, so if you have any boxes ... A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here'. Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture. If "con" is the opposite of "pro", what is the opposite of progress? Why is it that lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent? Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer? I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. You can't have everything. Where would you put it? Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (this is one of my long time favorites) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. A fool and his money are soon partying. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?" Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle. I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today." I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job." My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? Whatever happened to preparations A through G? Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. I like to reminisce with people I don't know. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, 'Cut it out'. I filled out an application that said, 'In Case Of Emergency Notify...' I wrote 'Doctor'... What's my mother going to do? If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time." So what's the speed of dark? How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them? After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water? Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food? If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

To all those who strive for higher learning: A pre-med student had to take a difficult class in physics. One day, the professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" "To save lives," the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted. "It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.

************************************** A few of lifes unanswered questions ************************************** Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is a boxing ring square? Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is it that rain drops but snow falls? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the person who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is? Can fat people go skinny-dipping? Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

****************** Hold Your Horses ****************** President Bush is representing the United States of America on a highly formal, orchestrated state visit to England. Air Force One stops at a bright red carpet along which the President strides to join Queen Elizabeth II in a beautiful, ornate 17th-century coach hitched to 6 enormous matched white horses. The coach proceeds through the streets of London en route to Buckingham Palace, the Queen and the President waving to the cheering throngs. Then suddenly the right rear horse produces a thunderous, cataclysmic fart that reverberates through the air and rattles the doors of the coach. Uncomfortable, the reaction of the two powerful figures is to focus their attentions elsewhere and behave as if nothing extraordinary had happened. But, the Queen is the first to realize that ignoring what had just happened is ridiculous. She explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets - - - I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." President Bush replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought --- you know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."

******************************* Bad American by George Carlin ******************************* I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies. I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it! I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang. I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer. I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason. I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized. I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English. I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions. I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July. I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened. I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality. My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it. I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter? I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut-the-#$%!-up already. I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution. I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are. I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years. I hate those bastards standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause. These people should be targets. I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again. I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents. I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. I think Dr. Seuss was a genius. I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise. I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States. If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American. If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you know. We need our country back!

8888888888888888888888888888 HAPPY FATHER'S DAY *HUGS* 8888888888888888888888888888 EXCERPTS FROM "A CAT'S GUIDE TO HUMAN BEINGS" 1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans? So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence. What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple: THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS. Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train. 2. How And When to Get Your Human's Attention Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping. Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice. Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want: Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it's something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children. Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human's sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious. 3. Punishing Your Human Being Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives: * Use the cat box during an important formal dinner. * Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude. * Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack. * After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling. * While your human is sleeping, lie on its face. 4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive? The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disemboweled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after they've been presented. After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbor's Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your human's face, you'll know it's worth it. 5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human? You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. Idiot # 1 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she=A0=A0 caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idiot # 2 Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon, which activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idiot # 3 A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stickup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. He read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idiot # 4 A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.=A0 Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idiot # 5 Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."=A0=A0 The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idiot # 6 A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.=A0 The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idiot # 7 Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglass. The whole event was caught on videotape. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idiot # 8 Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 am flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said they wouldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets, but are amazed to see that the three engineers only buy a single ticket. "How are all three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the lawyers. "Just watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats. All three engineers, however, cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea: So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip. Hey, if a bunch of engineers can run this scam, why not some sharp lawyers, they thought? When the lawyers get to the train station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't even buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer. "Just watch and you'll see" says an engineer. When they board the train the three lawyers immediately cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. As soon as the train is underway and has cleared the station, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Just in case you ever had gotten the two mixed up. This should make things a bit more clear for you . . . IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle. IN PRISON... you get three meals a day. AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK... you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself. IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON... you get your own toilet. AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat. IN PRISON... they allow your family and friends to visit; AT WORK... you can't even speak to your family. IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON... you spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out. AT WORK... You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK... they are called managers (Just so you're clear on this)

************************** The Essential Toolbox ************************** HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. A perfect thumb locator too. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and leather jackets. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VICE-GRIPS: Also used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing grease out of. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for, the last 15 minutes. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...." HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a vehicle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a vehicle upward off a hydraulic jack. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build up. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your tool box after determining that your battery is dead as a door nail, just as you thought. METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under vehicles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads and can double as oil filter removal wrench by stabbing through stubborn oil filters. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off. PRYBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

DOGS AND COMPUTERS: SAME OR DIFFERENT? - Favorite Food Dogs: kibbles Computers: bits - Method used to end undesirable behavior Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper Computers: hit control-alt-delete - After destruction of personal property D: dog not found C: file not found - Favorite trick D: roll over C: play dead - Comic-page hero D: Dogbert C: Dilbert - Fun way to mess with their heads D: peanut butter on roof of mouth C: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive - Consequence of virus D: replace valuable carpeting C: replace valuable data - Widely ignored government mandate D: leash law C: Communications Decency Act - Waste disposal tool D: pooper-scooper C: uninstaller (necessary only on Win-tel machines!) - Sensitive internal procedures D: must be undertaken by fully qualified professional C: may be undertaken by that guy at work who fixed "one kind-of like this" once - Method of marking territory D: lifting leg C: "Designed for Windows 95" - Unique behavior D: lick and drag C: click-and-drag

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO OU ***************** THE SUBURBANITES ***************** GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought ?and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles. ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to ?great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass. GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these suburbanites really want ?all that Grass growing there? ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn. GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the homeowners happy. ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it ?grows a little, they cut it - sometimes twice a week. GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay? ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it ?up and put it in bags. GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they ?sell it? ST. FRANCIS: No Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away. GOD: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will Grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay ?to throw it away? ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir. GOD: These Earthlings must be relieved in the summer ?when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work. ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord. ?When the grass Stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water ??it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it. GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the ?trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The ?trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the ?summer. In the autumn they fall on the ground and form a natural blanket ?to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life. ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The ?Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away. GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose? ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home ?and spread it around in place of the leaves. GOD: And where do they get this mulch? ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch. GOD: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have they ?scheduled for us tonight? ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a real stupid movie about..... GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. ?Francis.

*************************************** Why a Handgun is Better Than a Woman *************************************** You can buy a silencer for a handgun. You can trade a 44 for two 22's. You can have a handgun at home and another for the road. If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and let you try a few rounds with it. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup. Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. Handguns function normally every day of the month. A handgun won't ask, "Do these grips make me look fat?" A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you're done using it. You can have more than one handgun living in the same house without having problems.

The following are all quotes from 11 year old children's science exams: 1) When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire. 2) H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water. 3) To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. 4) When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. 5) Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state. 6) Water is composed of 2 gins, Oxygin & Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. 7) Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers. 8) Blood flows down one leg and up the other. 9) Respiration is composed of 2 acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration. 10) The moon is a planet just like earth, only it is even deader. 11) Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull. 12) Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire. 13) A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. 14) Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas. 15) The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, & u. 16) The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects. 17) The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana. 18) The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to. 19) A permanent set of teeth consists of 8 canines, 8 cuspids, 2 molars, & 8 cuspidors. 20) The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight. 21) A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is. 22) Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception. 23) Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa. 24) Germinate: To become a naturalized German. 25) Liter: A nest of young puppies. 26) Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat. 27) Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away. 28) Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky. 29) Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot. 30) Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives. 31) Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative. 32) To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. 33) For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops. 34) For drowing: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration. 35) For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor. 36) For dog bite: Put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it. 37) For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead. 38) To prevent contraception: wear a condominium. 39) For head cold: Use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat. 40) To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.

Hugs of Mahalo to Cheryl for this bit of good stuff: Cat Physics by Steve Bernard Law of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse. Law of Cat Motion: A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction. Law of Cat Magnetism: All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric. Law of Cat Thermodynamics: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat. Law of Cat Stretching: A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken. Law of Cat Sleeping: All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat. Law of Cat Elongation: A cat can make his body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it. Law of Cat Acceleration: A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop. Law of Dinner Table Attendance: Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served. Law of Rug Configuration: No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long. Law of Obedience Resistance: A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for him to do something. First Law of Energy Conservation: Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible. Second Law of Energy Conservation: Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping. Law of Refrigerator Observation: If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat. Law of Electric Blanket Attraction: turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light. Law of Random Comfort Seeking: A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room. Law of Bag / Box Occupancy: All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond. Law of Cat Embarrassment: A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to his embarrassment times the amount of human laughter. Law of Milk Consumption: A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can. Law of Furniture Replacement: A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture. Law of Cat Landing: A cat will always land in the softest place possible. Law of Cat Disinterest: A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him. Law of Pill Rejection: Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity. Law of Cat Composition: A cat is composed of Matter + Antimatter + It Doesn't Matter

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven. One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit. "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?" "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces." "Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates. "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic." Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St.Peter. Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!" "Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."

AND NOW FOR SOME STATISTICAL INFO From recent US Dept. of Health and Human Services official figures... Number of physicians in the US: 700,000. Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year: 120,000. Accidental deaths per physician ... 0,171 Number of gun owners in the US: 80,000,000. Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) 1,500. Accidental deaths per gun owner: 0.0000188 Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. FACT: Not everyone has a gun, but everyone has at least one Doctor. Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand. As a Public Health Measure I have withheld the statistics on Lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical aid.

TECHOMETER (Brit techie jokes) 1. Not tonight, I've got a headache from staring at the screen all day. 2. Oh gosh, your e-mail literally arrived just before you called, literally, let me read it literally right now. 3. I'm afraid you're breaking up, darling. The train's going into a tunnel. 4. honest, miss, my dad's robot dog ate my homework. 5. Er, I'd love to see you again but I've emigrated to Peru .... Yes, aren't mobiles wonderful. 6. I coundn't make breakfast in bed because the intelligent toaster is on strike for better working conditions. 7. My car's satellite navigation thought I ment Bedford in Wisconsin ad drove me into the sea. [Remember this is Brit joke!] 8. No, I'm not here, I mean he's not here. I mean. er, I've stolen this phone. 9. I have to take my mouse to have his ball fixed. 10. I never wrote that! It must have been a hacker.

lolol Maggie, I think this is just about universal. Bedford I did understand - you gotta be VERY specific with those GPS thingies. I get those headaches too. But, mine are real and earned! Thanks!

I loved the mouse ball ..... (well I need cheering up just now ....)

Although I got a late birthday pressie from a lad in Arizona yesterday ... an Amazon voucher .. just spent a lovely evening choosing my pressie ...

Aren't you the fancy one. My men are lucky to remember I even have a birthday - whch is fine with me. Their best wishes were lovely and all I wanted. (I sure would like to know what it is about you who never gets anything from anybody...) Just Kidding, m'dear! ************************************ And now for a little dose of truth! ************************************ 1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. 4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 23. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. 24. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Oh, the above is from my most valued friend and AMERICAN archaeologist who is still plying his trade and writing Melungeon books. Thanks Don! *Hugs*

And this lovely bit of humor from Mike. There is only one of him on earth, of that I am certain! *Hugs* An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so. The mother pushed and, after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. The little boy responded: "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.""Spank him again."

Thanks Lucie, for this one: Junk Mail When you get those pre-approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with postage paid return envelopes, right? Well, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes! Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Or a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their application back! Just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them. Heck, you can send it back empty if you want to--just to keep them guessing! Let's turn this around, and eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting mostly crap back in the mail. Let's let them know what it's like to get junk mail, and best of all... THEY'RE paying for it! Twice! Let's help keep our postal service busy since they say e-mail is cutting into their business and that's why they need to increase postage again! Please think about sending this note to a friend or two or three...or fifty....

From Mike - my Cajun connection: Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50? A: Your honor. Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad? A: Senator. Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? A: Depends on how thin you slice them. Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 36 feet deep? A: Because down deep, they are all nice guys! Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? A: Shoot him before he hits the water. Q: Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print. Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant. Q: Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps? A: Because people could not tell which side to spit on.

From Frank - he finds the most amazing stuff: ************************* What Would Jesus Drive? ************************* One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because "the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury." But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm." Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast." Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..." Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."

THINGS MOM WOULD NEVER SAY "Be good and for your birthday I'll buy you a motorcycle!" "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?" "Don't bother wearing a jacket--it's quite warm out." "Let me smell that shirt--yeah, it's good for another week." "I think a cluttered bedroom is a sign of creativity." "Yeah, I used to skip school, too." "Just leave all the lights on...it makes the house more cheery." "Could you turn the music up louder so I can enjoy it, too?" "Run and bring me the scissors! Hurry!" "Aw, just turn these undies inside out.=A0 No one will ever know." "I don't have a tissue with me--just use your sleeve." "Well, if Timmy's Mom says it's okay, that's good enough for me." "Of course you should walk to school and back. What's the big deal about having to cross a few main streets?" "My meeting won't be over till later tonight. You kids don't mind skipping dinner, do you?"

WINDOWS 98 - BROOKLYN EDITION Dear Consumas: It has come ta our attention dat a coupola copies of the WINDOWS 98/BROOKLYN EDITION may have accidentally bin shipped outsida Broooklyn. If ya got one a dese, you may need some help understandin' da commands. Da Brooklyn edition may be recognized by da unique openin' screen. It reads: "WINDAS 98," wit a background picture of Grand Army Plaza. When you start da program, instead of da usual "harpy, stringy" music, you hear da teme from da Godfadda. It is also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava. Please also note: --Recycle Bin is labeled "Staten Island." --My Computer is called "My Friggin' Computa." --The Inbox is referred to as "Da Trunk." --Deleted Items are referred to as "Wacked," "Erased," or "Rubbed Out." --Dial up Networking is called "Da Bar." --Control Panel is known as the "Da Bosses." --Performin' an "illegal operation" is known as "enhancin' the family business" and will=20 actually maximize da program instead of shuttin' it down. --Hard Drive is referred to as "Da BQE Rush Hour." --Instead of an error message a "You ain't gonna friggin' believe dis!" pop= s up. CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA BROOKLYN EDITION: OK.....................................Sure ting Cancel...............................Fugetaboutit Reset..................................Start Ova Yes.....................................Yeah No........................................Nah Find.....................................Put a contract out on Browse................................Get a looksee Back....................................U toin Help....................................(Help ain't available - yous don't need no stinkin' help) Stop.....................................Knock it off Start.....................................Move it! Settings................................Here's d' Rules Also note dat any voice recognition software run on da BROOKLYN EDITION platform don't recognize da letter "R." Some programs and udder accessories dat are exclusive to WINDAS 98: Typa......................................A word processin' program Printa.....................................Printer Calculata...............................Calculator Solitare...................................Seven Card Stud We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of da BROOKLYN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. Yous got a problem wit dat? BILL ("4 eyes") GATES

(For all the men who like to send blonde jokes, paybacks are hell...). How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them. Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer. What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds mature. Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know; it has never happened. When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it. How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes.

WATER OR COKE? This article is a summary of an American study of the effects of dehydration...with a few facts about coke to make it interesting. WATER ***** We all know that water is important but I've never seen it written down like this before. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated.(Likely applies to half of the world population.) In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%. One glass of water shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer. Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day? ================================================= COKE **** No wonder coke tastes soooo good: 1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident. 2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days. 3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and .......Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china. 4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola. 5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion. 6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes. 7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, Remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy. 8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, And run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean the road haze from your windshield. FYI: 1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. It has a Ph of 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. 2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly corrosive materials. 3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years! Now the question is, would you like a glass of water or a coke? _________________________________________________________________

Stress management technique Just in case you've had a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in the latest psychological tests, the funny thing is that it really works. Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air. No one but you knows your secret place. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world". The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is crystal clear. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under water...

******* Golf ******* Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind. *** There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies. *** Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players. *** An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging. *** Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golf ball. It sat in the same spot. So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle. Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?" Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on that ball!" *** One day there were two guys playing golf on a Sunday, like they have every week possible for the past 3 years. Right when the first man was about to swing his club, a woman in a wedding dress came running down the fairway yelling, "You bum! You lousy bum! You promised!" The man said "Honey, I said only if it rains today."

God grant me SERENITY to live with the glitches, and cyberspace twitches, the freezes and crashes, and bloated disk caches. COURAGE to download new updates, and send in all rebates, to add some more RAM, and to get a vid-cam. WISDOM to remember that as smart as I am, or how shrewd I might be: Who's really in charge? The Computer, not me!

Hi ... I'm back .. for little while at least ...

Great, what's happinin' Magpie!

Tell us about the fire and trying to get the inflated sheep out of harm's way! (You won't believe this one!)

What's happening??? Chaos that's wot!! Eldest daughter gets married on sept 7th. They are buying our house so we need to find another .. preferably nearer the university. In the past few weeks we have had an offer accepted on an apartment and then pulled out as we found the lease was too short. Now we have had an offer accepted on another apartment .. hopefully it will go through but we don't have a moving date yet and we're still sorting the mortgage out. We got back for Scotland in time for the stag night (batchelor party???) .. and yes, a blow up sheep was involved. We're not quite sure why. The blowling alley where they started off had a fire alarm because a burger caught fire and Glenn (the fiance) had trouble getting his sheep out of the building. They then tanked up on more liquid fuel and went for a curry. Meanwhile the girls and I decided to have a girly night in doing henna tattoing and watching a video. My tatto is around my belly button ..and sorry, no I don't have a pic of it! The guys arrived home and the younger daughter's fiance was definitely worse for wear and made a nuisance of himself. Huband was quite sober but declared he'd enjoyed himself OK. Yesterday morning, avoiding the sleeping bodies around the place we went off to church and enjoyed a picnic lunch by the Thames. Bodies were gone by the time we got back .. clear up starts today. The hen night (batchelorette party??) is on sept 1st. We ar going on the london eye (huge ferris wheel opposite the huse of parliament) and a 1970s disco on the Thames .. haven't decided on my costume yet. Magpie

Wow, these are some major changes in your life, Maggie. You blew up a sheep? Whoa! No tattoo, pic, darn! That Hen Night sounds like one resounding, gala event, you'll give us a full report, right?

Just heard we'd been 'gazumped' on the apartment .... someone put in a much higher offer and we've lost it. ***%%%$$�� So back to square one in house hunting again ....

There is lots of unused space at the University. Check for broom closets... Seriously, this sounds very serious. I am delighted my son can take care of himself and his housing and his wedding. I will just show up in my best Hawaiian gown and flowers and be gracious. That's what mothers are supposed to do. I think my dad would have pitched my husband me out on our collective ear to stand on our own feet..but that was then, and this is now. I think you need to stop and think about Maggie for a change! This is insanity! Kids can get along in empty lofts and live on love. Mothers cannot! End of sermon! *********** Chocolate *********** Chocolate is a vegetable. How, you ask? Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable. To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. If you eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, the calories actually counteract each other. Money talks. Chocolate sings! ... Beautifully. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy? If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you? If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

I AM thinking about Maggie! Selling to the kids makes sense .. this house is not rentable and I need to be nearer the university, and its convenient for both of them for work. We keep equity in this house which is good investment. The trouble is that housing is SO expensive in this area .. for all of us. At the moment there is a rush for investment buying .. in the price range we are looking at .. that is a pain for us. Oh well .. something will work out I guess ...

ok.. yeah I know! Reading is prime commuting area for London and Swindon AND Reading all of which are growing commercially. *Hugs* I wish you every success!

Which of course makes it a good place to buy ... but difficult!

It is a great investment area for certain. Great train service and so on. Now, if we were only rich, instead of gorgous... huh, Maggie! *;)

Too true Marcia. Saw a nice one again today .. 2 bed maisonette ... upstairs apartment with garage and little garden. BUT seems the lease is short ... may be difficult to sell on ...seeing another upstairs apartment with garage underneath tomorrow evening.

Let us know how it goes. How exhausting and disheartening! Good luck and *HUGS*

Will do ... up early tomorrow meeting friend from Dunfermline's daughter off the plane at Heathrow at 6.30 am ..she's been working in South Africa for a couple of months in one of the townships. Picniced by the Thames with the family of a student of mine who works in Gambia. Heard today from her that four of the five men we worked as a team with In Gambia have died ... none of them was much over 50. Feel really sad. Remind me to tell you the latest on the sheep ...named Baabara of course....

Hmmmm count of my asking about Baarbara. How sad about the friends who departed far too soon. What is the cause? Or is life expectancy that low in Africa?

Mid-life For Ladies Mid-life is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache. Mid-life women no longer have upper arms; we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts; we are flying squirrels in drag. Mid-life has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear end without turning around. Mid-life is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. It's more like splat! Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!" Mid-life is when you realize that, if you were a dog, you would need a control top flea collar. Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked. You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and know it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in a film. Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones. Mid-life can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?" Mid-life is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water. The good news about mid-life is the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.

The guy who sent me the above is gonna pay for it!!! Btw, none of the above applies to me...YET

Baabara now gets taken to bed to annoy other half ... that's the short story!Yes, life expectacy is very short in Gambia .. 50 is old age! I think 35 is the average age and child mortality is high. It was still a great shock to hear.

It sounds like it's working... but don't let on! The life expectancy was not much longer than that at the turn of the last century! Here!!!

When Books Get Merged "Green Eggs and Hamlet" Would you kill him in his bed? Thrust a dagger through his head? I would not, could not, kill the King. I could not do that evil thing. I would not wed this girl, you see. Now get her to a nunnery. (Robin Parry, Arlington) "Machiavelli's The Little Prince" Antoine de Saint-Exupery's classic children's tale as presented by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human nature is embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters, all of whom are executed. (Erik Anderson, Tempe, Ariz.) "Fahrenheit 451 of the Vanities" An '80s yuppie is denied books. He does not object, or even notice. (Mike Long, Burke) "Where's Walden?" Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in each richly-detailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear that he is always in the woods. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) "Catch-22 in the Rye" Holden learns that if you're insane, you'll probably flunk out of prep school, but if you're flunking out of prep school, you're probably not insane. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) "2001: A Space Iliad" The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane 10-year war against the Greeks after falling victim to the Y2K bug. (Joseph Romm, Washington) "The Maltese Faulkner" Is the black bird a tortured symbol of Sam's struggles with race and family? Does it signify his decay of soul along with the soul of the Old South? Is it merely a crow, mocking his attempts to understand? Or is it worth a cool mil? (Thad Humphries, Warrenton) "Jane Eyre Jordan" Plucky English orphan girl survives hardships to lead the Chicago Bulls to the NBA championship. (Dave Pickering, Bowie) "The Scarlet Pimpernel Letter" An 18th-century English nobleman leads a double life, freeing comely young adulteresses from the prisons of post-Revolution France. "The Invisible Man of La Mancha" Don Quixote discovers a mysterious elixir which renders him invisible. He proceeds to go on a mad rampage of corruption and terror, attacking innocent people in the streets and all the while singing "To fight the Invisible Man!" until he is finally stopped by a windmill. "Singing in the Black Rain" A gang of vicious Japanese druglords beat the daylights out of Gene Kelly. "Of Three Blind Mice and Men" Burgess Meredith has his limbs hacked off by a psychopathic farmer's wife. Did you ever see such a sight in your life? "Planet of the Grapes of Wrath" Astronaut lands on mysterious planet, only to discover that it is his very own home planet of Earth, which has been taken over by the Joads, a race of dirt-poor corn farmers who miraculously developed rudimentary technology and evolved the ability to speak after exposure to nuclear radiation. "Paradise Lost in Space" Satan, Moloch, and Belial are sentenced to spend eternity in a flying saucer with a goofy robot, an evil scientist, and 2 annoying children. "The Exorstentialist" Camus psychological thriller about a priest who casts out a demon by convincing it that there's really no purpose to what it's doing.

************** Definitions ************** Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent- mindedly answer the door in your nightie. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

A recent survey listed the top "party schools" among the nation's colleges. The top 5 were: 5. University of Colorado 4. Florida State 3. University of California at Santa Cruz 2. Louisiana State University 1. University of Tennessee "But Chris," you ask, "How can I tell if *my* college is a party school?" The Top 15 Signs You're Attending a Party School 15. Only three people show up to the 9:00 am Biology class -- and they all bring Scotch. 14. The med school just won the Nobel Prize for discovering a hangover cure. 13. Bookstore's most popular item? The Double XXX: a porn video and 3 tabs of Ecstasy. 12. Crowds at football games are entertained by the sideline antics of the mascot in a giant foam-rubber Charlie Sheen costume. 11. They let you redeem Mardi Gras beads for classroom credit. 10. Calculus final exam problem begins with: "One hundred bottles of beer on the wall..." 9. Tuition: $3,250; Books: $510; Bail: $17,900 8. Your school's Alcohol Awareness Counselor: Bud Miller. 7. You can work your way off Academic Probation by chugging a sixer of Meister Brau in front of the Dean. 6. All of the triple-beam scales have been liberated from the Chemistry lab. 5. You're chosen as commencement speaker at your own graduation because you can recite the entire Greek alphabet in one burp. 4. Jell-O shots are half price during Sunday morning chapel services. 3. Question 4 on the Admissions application: "You're not a cop, are you?" 2. Someone seems to have taken the alcohol used to preserve the lab's deformed calf fetus. and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're Attending a Party School... 1. Bill Clinton gave the commencement address in June -- and hasn't left yet.

Comments by Ted Nugent with thanks to Don for sending it to me: The follow was written by Ted Nugent, the rock singer, hunter, and naturalist upon hearing that California Senators Barbara Boxer and Diane Feinstein denounced him for being a "gun owner" and a "Rock Star." This was his response after telling the senators about his past contributions to children's charities and scholarship foundations which have totaled more than $13.7 million in the last 5 years!! "I'm a Bad American - this pretty much sums it up for me. I like big trucks, big boats, big houses, and naturally, pretty women. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies. I don't care about appearing compassionate. "I think playing with toy guns doesn't make you a killer. I believe ignoring your kids and giving them Prozac might. I think I'm doing better than the homeless. I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized. I have the right not to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird or make me mad. This is my life to live, and not necessarily up to others expectations. I know what SEX is and there are not varying degrees of it. I don't celebrate Kwanzaa. But if you want to that's fine; just don't feel like everyone else should have to. I believe that if you are selling me a Dairy Queen shake, a pack of cigarettes, or hotel room you do it in English. As of matter of fact, if you are an American citizen you should speak English. My uncles and forefathers shouldn't have had to die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come disrespect ours, and make us bend to your will. Get over it. I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry butt if you're running from them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word 'freeze' or 'stop' in English, see the previous line. don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions. I know how to count votes and I feel much safer letting a machine with no political affiliation do a recount when needed. I know what the definition of lying is, and it isn't based on the word "is" -- ever. I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you qualify for any special loan programs, gov't sponsored bank loans, etc., so you can open a hotel, 7-Eleven, trinket shop, or any thing else, while the indigenous peoples can't get past a high school education because they can't afford it. I didn't take the initiative in inventing the Internet. I thought the Taco Bell dog was funny. I want them to bring back safe and sane fireworks. I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang, but that doesn't mean I want to listen to that crap from someone else's car when I'm stopped at a red light. But I respect your right to. I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster or Jack In The Box. I don't want to eat or drink anything with the words light, lite or fat-free on the package. Our soldiers did not go to some foreign country and risk their lives in vain and defend our Constitution so that decades later you can tell me it's a living document ever changing and is open to interpretation. The guys who wrote it were light years ahead of anyone today, and they meant what they said - now leave the document alone, or there's going to be trouble. I don't hate the rich. I help the poor. I know wrestling is fake. I've never owned, or was a slave, and a large percentage of our forefathers weren't wealthy enough to own one either. Please stop blaming me because some prior white people were idiots - and remember, tons of white, Indian, Chinese, and other races have been enslaved too - it was wrong for every one of them. I believe a self-righteous liberal with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude. I want to know exactly which church is it where the "Reverend" Jessie Jackson preaches; and, what exactly is his job function. I own a gun, you can own a gun, and any red blooded American should be allowed to own a gun, but if you use it in a crime, then you will serve the time. I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it makes you mad, then invent the next operating system that's better and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy Al Gore, the one who invented the Internet, to help you. I don't believe in hate crime legislation. Even suggesting it makes me mad. You're telling me that someone who is a minority, gay, disabled, another nationality, or otherwise different from the mainstream of this country has more value as a human being that I do as a white male. If someone kills anyone, I'd say that it's a hate crime. We don't need more laws! Let's enforce the ones we already have. I think turkey bacon, turkey beef, turkey fake anything sucks. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child - it takes a parent with the guts to stand up to the kid and spank his butt and say "NO!" when it's necessary to do so. I'll admit that the only movie that ever made me cry was "Ole Yeller." I didn't realize Dr. Seuss was a genius until I had a kid. I will not be frowned upon or be looked down upon or be made to keep silent because I have these beliefs and opinions. I thought this country allowed me that right. I will not conform or compromise just to keep from hurting somebody's feelings. I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise. Yes, I guess by some people's definition, I may be a bad American. But that's tough."

Headlines: Year 2055 1. Florida is finally readmitted to the union. 2. Spotted Owl plague now threatens Western crops & livestock. 3. George Z. Bush says he will run for President. 4. 50 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. 5. Nursing home event--Clinton denies Candy Striper allegations. 6. Texas executes last remaining citizen. 7. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants. 8. Baby conceived naturally..... Scientists stumped. 10. Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles. 11. Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches. 12. Unionized Chinese workers now making 4,000,000,000 yen an hour. American owned businesses now returning to cheap labor in USA. 13. White minority demands civil rights and reparations. 14. New California law requires that all machetes, steak knives and baseball bats be registered before January 2056.

For this one JSK gets the *Hugs* Actual Writings on Hospital Charts 1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. 4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission. 7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful. 8. The patient refused autopsy. 9. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days. 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 13. She is numb from her toes down. 14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. 15. The skin was moist and dry. 16. Occasional constant infrequent headaches. 17. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 18. Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid. 19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. 20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. 25. Skin: somewhat pale but present. 26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. 27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree. 28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 29. Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities

Thanks, JSK.... you are a veritable fount of wonder this week when we could use a little levity. SAY WHAT People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists. Here are some signs seen around the world: Doctor's office, Rome SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES Hotel, Acapulco THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE. Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF. Car rental brochure, Tokyo WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR. Sign in men's rest room in Japan TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT. On a poster at Kencom ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP. In a City restaurant OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO. One of the Mathare buildings MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE. A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS. In a Pumwani maternity ward NO CHILDREN ALLOWED. In a cemetery PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES. Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED. In a Tokyo bar SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS. In a Bangkok temple IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN. Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM. Hotel brochure, Italy THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLI- TUDE. Hotel lobby, Bucharest THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE. Hotel, Yugoslavia THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID. Hotel, Japan YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY. From the "Soviet Weekly" THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS. Hotel catering to skiers, Austria NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION. Supermarket, Hong Kong FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE. In an East African newspaper A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.

```````` ** Last Memorable Moments ** ```````` On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. She stands up in front of the plane. Screaming, "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, eyes riveted, on the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He is gorgeous. Tall, well built, with long flowing black hair and blue yes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt......... One button at a time........ No one moves...... He removes his shirt......... Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her...... He extends the arm holding his shirt out to the trembling woman........ And whispers........ ............."Iron this."