Oh my!!! That pleases the all-woman subject of this topic.

From a Wolfie who wants to remain anonymous: Ducks in Heaven Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: "Don't Step on the Ducks." So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck. Although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together for eternity as well. The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. Then one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid her eyes on. Very tan, muscular and sexy. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

*sputtering* LOL! :-)

It's been around before but it is still VERY funny!

it has? i've never seen it before!!

You guys are gonna give me some sort of heart failure on Word association and story in five words... *wiping eyes*

What? *blinking eyes innocently* ;-P

YOU especially. I REALLY have missed you!!! *HUGS*

And I You! *Big HUG Right Back*

DOG'S DIARY/ CAT'S DIARY Thanks Ami! EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 PM OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 1:30 PM - ooooooo. bath. bummer. 4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE! EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed. DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan. DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer.." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time...

ROTFLOL! *wiping eyes*

*LAUGH*

Having both cat and dog, I KNOW this is "spot on"!

Thanks to Lew for the following: Leaving Chicago for Boston, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I went into the restroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I had just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall... "Hi there, how's it going?" OK, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in restrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say so finally I just said, "Not bad..." Then the voice says: "So, what are you doing?" I am starting to find this a bit weird, but I say: "Well, I'm just going to the bathroom, then I'm heading east..." Then I hear the person say all flustered, "Look I'll call you back... Every time I ask you a question - this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me!"

*snort*

Thanks JK. He says he has experienced all of these exvept the bra. We should take up a collection! Warnings for Alcohol use: Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers: WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your butt kicked. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible or worse, bulletproof. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you! WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. WARNING: the consumption of alcohol may mack you tink you can tipe reel gode.

*guffaw*

Hi all A cats revenge: I was at my Uncle Bruce's bach in the Easter break and we were all in the garden. And their cat comes up to us. It reminded Bruce to tell us a story. The story goes like this. NOTE the incident occurred a couple weeks prior. Dusky, a big male cat catches a bird and brings it inside leaving feathers strewn across the kitchen floor. Bruce comes inside and sees the feathers lying across the floor as well as a badly mangled bird. He puts a growling Dusky in his bedroom and shuts the door, while he cleans the mess on the floor. Dusky was enraged and decided on revenge. He must have been ready to relieve himself because he went to Helens (Bruce's wife)pillow and peed on it. Then he went to Bruce's pillow and dropped a load of dung on it. As soon as Bruce opened the door he shot out and ran outside, vanishing onto the property next door, while Bruce and Helen confronted another mess....... Rob

Hi all Saw a copy of Playboy in the mens restrooms at University the other day. Don't ask me how it got there, but I would be lying if I said I did not pick it up and leaf through it. It was the end of the working (lectures/labs) day and I had some time on my hands to spare. Anyway I got up to leave and took one last look back and saw two more magazines hidden behind the toilet.... Rob

You must've stumbled onto one of your colleague's secret stash! Now the fun begins--figuring which one is the perv...

Rob, I'll talk to you later and tell you what they (the Playboy and other magazines) were doing there. Oh Surely you can figure it out... Cats are known to leave signs of their displeasure in the most unpleasant places. Ours always chose the living room upholstered chairs. Mymother's favorites, of course!

Hi all Anyone here from Toledo, Ohio?? Got a song for you sung by John Denver but written by Randy Sparks. From "An Evening with John Denver". ENJOY!!!!!! Saturday night in Toledo, Ohio Saturday night in Toledo, Ohio, is like being nowhere at all All through the day how the hours rush by You sit in the park and you watch the grass die Ah, but after the sunset, the dusk and the twilight When shadows of night start to fall They roll back the sidewalks precisely at ten And people who live there are not seen again Just two lonely truckers from Great Falls, Montana And a salesman from places unknown - ces unknown Oh add all together in downtown Toledo To spend their big night all alone You ask how I know of Toledo, Ohio Well I spent a week there one day They've got entertainment to dazzle your eyes Go visit the bakery and watch the buns rise Ah, but let's not forget that the folks of Toledo Unselfishly gave us the scales No springs, honest weight, that's the promise they made So smile and be thankful next time you get weighed And wive and wet wive Let this be our motto Let's let the sleeping dogs lie - ping dogs lie And here's to the dogs of Toledo, Ohio Ladies, we bid you goodbye Words and music by Randy Sparkes Rob

Hum it for us, Rob. I can't quite place the tune. (Someone wants to know how well you sing. Do you?)

Are those REALLY John Denver lyrics? I had no idea...

Will Rogers said this about gasoline prices in the early 1930's: "...there you have a business that is in the hands of a few men, and they see that the price is kept up. It's not regulated by supply and demand, it's regulated by manipulation." I guess we haven't learned much since then!

Hi all I said it was written by Randy Sparks, but John Denver sung it. I think I would have avoided Toledo for a bit if I had written that. Rob

*Laugh* I stand corrected. In any case I would avoid Toldeo. Not the most savory part of America, actually. I wonder what was beind the choice by John Denver to record that song. I HAS to have some ulterior motive!

Hi all Marcia, I know your birthday is coming up but I do not know what day it is... Rob

Heheh. Does any one? I could exact the ultimate punishment by making you read back through drool to where my last one was celebrated or on Geo 20, but never mind.

Hi all Too easy. I know where else I can look anyway. Hehehehehe!!!!!!!! *GRINS* But I am not going to tell you, so you cannot lock it down and force me into Drool. Hehehehehe!!!!!!!!! Rob

*wailing* Marcia!!! if you make me wade through back years of Drool....... although, on the upside, think of all those yummy pics of Colin i'd come across..... *sigh* *drifting off in dream land*

April 61st

Rob if you missed my offline message to you, you are wicked indeed!

i could actually hear him laughing!!!

I thought I heard him begging his brother for the use of his fingers and toes.

Where on earth is he checking. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!! Oh NO!!!

EVOLUTION OF MOTHERHOOD Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first. Clothes 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. Preparing for the Birth 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. 2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing. 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month. The Layette 1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau. 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains. 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they? Worries 1st baby: At the first sign of distress -- a whimper, a frown -- you pick up the baby. 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn. 3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing. Pacifier 1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it. 2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle. 3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in. Diapering 1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not. 2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed. 3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees. Activities 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour. 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics. 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner. Going Out 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times. 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached. 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood. At Home 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby. 2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children. **from Wolfie**

Hi all Hehehehehe!!!!!!!! *Grins wickedly* Dancing of to Geo (Introductions and suggestions). Ooooppppppsssss. Gave the game away *slaps himself*. Oh well, Miss Marcia will be kind, and once I see the date, it will be logged in my head for forever. *Grins* Rob

Me again Is it May 31st??? Or was Wolfie one day late or early when she posted. Rob

LOL, Wolf!! It's a good thing I didn't have a third--I was doing most of that stuff with my first!

i did all of that with my second!!!!

Rob read your offline messages. It is the 31st. I promise

Hi all Cool. Which brings me to my next point. I was thinking that should you come to NZ, make it November so that we can go to Last Night of the Proms and celebrate our English heritage. Sound cool? The Last Night of the Proms are immensely popular and nearly always have a full house. Plus the audience involvement is really cool. We get to throw streamers and pop balloons which is great fun during Pomp and Circumstance No.1. There is a different theme every time. Last year it was Spanish, and a few years before that it was English. So last years programme had excerpts from Carmen, and a Opera singer sung Golden eye which was neato. And of cause they had the usual hit parade - Fantasia on British Sea Songs, Rule Britannia, Pomp and Circumstance - Land of hope and Glory, Jerusalem and Halleujah. Rob PS Americans: If you think a good example of pomp is the Presidential Inaugaration, you have not seen anything until you see what will happen when the Queen of England dies. That will be pomp on a GRAND scale.

Rob, they did well by the Queen Mother at her funeral. I am still looking for a copy for you in PAL.

You will be in University in November! Last Night at the Proms is my dream! It has been since childhood. Hold that thought. I'd love to take you up on it!

Hi all I will hopefully be out by mid November for summer (University semester work ends later this year because we started later). Don't worry if you cannot do it THIS November. Last Night of the Proms is guaranteed to reappear next year because of it's immense popularity. I will be absolutely delighted to take you. My friends will think I am nuts and all the rest of it but hey, if they have learnt anything by now it should be that I am quite tolerant of people across the age spectrum. But Marcia, I have this dream of us singing Rule Britannia along 2700 others at Last Night of the Proms. Rob

Watching a Presidential inauguration is like watching paint dry. Now, the opening/closing ceremonies of the Olympics--that's pomp!

Hi all English pomp is when the coffin of a royal or the Prime Minister is carried on a gun carriage with the guard marching in step, the Royals and the mounted guard behind. A spectacle in Canterbury is a Super 12 game at Jade Stadium. A capacity crowd of 36000 being whipped into a frenzy by 6 horsemen dressed as Crusaders riding their horses around the field perimeter to the tune of Conquest of Paradise. The crowd goes nuts. In recent years a castle facade has been added and a gas powered flame is fired for every try the Crusaders score. The last three weeks have been phenomenal for Canterbury rugby and it is expected that 14 Cantaburians will be in the All Black squad to be announced on Monday. Following the announcement all focus will be on the New Zealand Womens Rugby team who are in the final of the Womens Rugby World Cup against France. Rob

Rob, I Know the words to "Rule Britannia." I committed them to memory many years ago (comparatively) and will fit right in as I look very like my British heritage. However, I would hate to ruin your reputation amongst your companions. Perhhaps we might make them a little jealous?! Older women can have a mysterious air and danger about them that is intoxicating. I'd do my best for you! Nothing quite moves me like the Olympics except a truly noble British ceremonial. Watching paint dry is an appropriate estimation of a presidential inauguration. But, in all fairness, we are still rather new at it!

A doctor invented a pain-sharing device that could ease one person's pain by giving some of their pain to another person. A woman went into labor, and her pain was to be shared by the father-to-be. At first the doctor turned up the shared pain to 10%. The husband said he didn't feel any pain at all, and that the doctor should turn up the apparatus. There still was no pain for the husband at 50 %, so the doctor turned it up to 80%. Again, the husband had no pain; so the doctor turned it up to 200%! Neither the woman or her husband had any pain, so the delivery of the baby went very smoothly. The woman was released from the hospital the next day, and they went home to the suburbs. When they arrived home, they discovered the mailman lying dead on the front porch.

Blame DB for these: 1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's two-tired. 2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). 3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backwards poet writes inverse. 5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. 7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. 9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. 11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. 16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 17. Every calendar's days are numbered. 18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. 19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. 20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. 21. A plateau is a high form of flattery. 22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. 25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. 26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. 27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. 28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 29. Acupuncture is a jab well done. 30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

har-dee-har-har, Marcia! It kills me that people still make those mailman jokes, it must mean that someone, somewhere actually knows their mail carrier's name. I never saw ours growing up and now I see her from a distance filling the box occasionally. Never had a mailbox on my front porch.

Ours lives a few streets from us but we have several postmen and women depending on how much mail is waiting. I really do know his name and he is a prince of a man. I always thought it was milkmen who did all of the fooling around. I lead a very sheltered life, apparently!

For those of us who did not learn English as our Mother Tongue: 1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produce produce. 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10) I did not object to the object. 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13) They were too close to the door to close it. 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 18) After a number of injections my jaw got number. 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick" ?

*LAUGH*

My Daughter-in-law sent it to me. She is a native German speaker.

V. funny Marcia :-D

HOW TO BATHE THE CAT 1. Thoroughly clean toilet. 2. Lift both lids and add shampoo 3. Find and soothe cat as you carry it to the bathroom. 4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close and stand on lids, so cat cannot escape. 5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this). 6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective. 7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids. 8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where it will air dry. Sincerely, The Dog

Blame the kindly cat owning DB for the above contribution.

This is SO depressing: "Older than Dirt" First lets start with this one. You find an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top is a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. No, it is not an attempt to make a salt shaker. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old! How Many Do You Remember?? * Head lights dimmer switches on the floor * Ignition switches on the dashboard * Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall * Real ice boxes [Ask your Mom about that] * Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards. * Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner. * Using hand signals for cars without turn signals. Older Than Dirt Quiz -- Count all the ones that you remember, NOT the ones you were told about! (Ratings at the bottom.) 1. Blackjack chewing gum 2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 3. Candy cigarettes 4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottle 5. Snack shops with tableside jukeboxes 6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers 7. Party lines 8. Newsreels before the movie 9. P. F. Flyers 10. Butch wax 11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933) 12. Peashooters 13. Howdy Doody 14. 45 RPM records 15. S&H Green Stamps 16. Hi-fi's 17. Metal ice trays with lever 18. Mimeograph paper 19. Blue flashbulb 20. Packards 21. Roller skate keys 22. Cork popguns 23. Drive-ins 24. Studebakers 25. Wash tub wringers

Hi all I would prefer your mysterious air Marcia, to their inability to comprehend the fact I have found someone, who genuinely likes me. It was common knowledge when I was in High School that no one really expected me to find someone, and the fact that you are that someone is probably a bit like revving a car engine to 7000 rpm when It can only do 6000. They would probably balk before then. Its not that I have pulled of the shock of the 21st century, it is just that certain individuals cannot fathom having at their age for a friend, someone of your outstanding qualities. Rob

*Hugs* Rob. On a night like this when I am consigned to house "Siberia" your warming words are precious, indeed! Here are more memories for you to share with your grandmother *;) (Iris sent them to me!) "Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "what was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?" "We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow." "C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?" "It was a place called 'at home,' " I explained. "Grandma Stewart cooked every day and when Grandpa Stewart got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it." By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it: My parents never owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died. My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. But also because we didn't have a car. We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza. It was a Luigi's Pizza on the west side of Cleveland and my friend, Ronnie, took me there to try what he said was "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had. We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Plymouth. He called it a "machine." I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line. Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was. All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered the Cleveland "News" six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day. Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them. If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing

Go ahead and rev up that engine. It just might give you a very big surprise *;)

Uh-oh, I remember 13 of the above.

You must remember being told by your grandmother, Autumn. I know you could NOT possibly have experienced it for yourself! Starting Friday, I'm going to count backward! This day-brightener from DB who will not admit to sending it to me: === The Mood Ring === My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead. === The Water Pistol === When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember." === Half Price === USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?" === Life After Death === "Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir," the new employee replied. "Oh, that explains it then," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

*laugh* i remember a few from the list....but i'm at a disadvantage-most of my childhood was spent chasing dad back and forth to germany (disadvantage?) i only had candy cigarettes once and then used to play with the plastic pipes my brother had to go with his truck (they were the same size as cigarettes). we had one tv and one phone. the tv was in the living room and the phone in the kitchen. i had to sit at the table til i liked what was cooked too. i also had a ton of chores to do and got $10 a month. we always had dinner as a family. we had an atari when i was a teenager but only 4 or 5 games and then i could only play on it if i behaved myself. i watched a rated r movie on tv with my parents only because my mom liked scott bao (however you spelled his name). i had to be in bed by nine as a teenager (lights off) and home by ten if i went to a dance. anyway, guess you could say i can relate to the poor guy with no fast food! (we went to mcdonalds rarely and my brother and i had to share shasta sodas).

Sounds familiar, Wolfie. Me too but I never got that much money. I was put on a budget in high school so I would know how to manage the vast sums allotted to me in college for frivolity. All $15 of it per month. I actually saved it for a few months when there was something I really wanted. The chores - I got 50 cents for anything I did from shovelling the snow to mowing the lawn and if Ihad to be reminded, I HAD to do it and got no pay at all. But, I think I am better than those who have never had to budget and now have huge credit card debts. None here! Our one phone was in the hallway and EVERYONE could hear what you were saying. *sigh* As for R rated movies... I am certain none were watched in the house of my parents. We had television for my entire life but only watched it when something world-shaking was occuring.

i was punished if my chores weren't done or if they weren't done right (as in restriction). but that was a blessing because during my restrictions i learned the love of books and writing. my allowance money wasn't for spending--i put it in savings (and i only earned that during my teenage years) and i am grateful for my chores because i can take care of myself. my kids now enjoy the luxury of being placed on restriction and having chores to do.

Hi all I budget too. I have expenditure of $100 a week out of $290 weekly income plus $30 weekly board (Mum and Dad are pretty lax so it is usually $30 fortnightly). $4000-5000 annually is for university and the rest is being saved. Not bad, eh?? Rob

Happy Birthday Marcia!!! *hugs*

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!

sorry about that *hugs*

It's nice to hear that kids still have to pay their parents room and board. My friends look at me like I have two heads when I mention paying $15/week to live at home while I worked and went to college. What a bargain! I wish I could move back in, LOL!

Wow!!! I am impressed with Rob's foresight and for WOLFIE'S Gigantic good wishes. *Cough* Now I need to get closer and take Mmme Pele's photo of the whole thing for you!

There is a serious message at the end, you get to laugh on the way to it. Finally, something other than smiley faces.... Perfect breasts (o)(o) Fake silicone breasts ( + )( + ) Perky breasts (*)(*) Big nipple breasts (@)(@) A cups o o D cups ( O )( O ) Wonder bra breasts (oYo) Cold breasts ( ^ )( ^ ) Lopsided Breasts (o)(O) Pierced Breasts (Q)(O) Hanging Tassels Breasts (p)(p) Grandma's Breasts \ o /\ o / Against The Shower Door Breasts ( )( ) Android Breasts | o | | o | Martha Stewart's Breasts ($)($) And God created woman and she had 3 breasts. He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?" She replied, "Yes, could get rid of this middle breast?" And so it was done, and it was good. Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding the third breast in her hand, " What can be done with this useless boob?" And God created man. For three years of good plumbing luck, mail this to 13 other females. Don't break the chain! One female broke the chain, her plumbing became so bad, she now has an outhouse. OK - now that you have had your laugh, remember breast cancer awareness - so have those boobs checked out and stay healthy. Thanks to Gi for sending this. The life you save may keep her from having to reconstruct your missing breasts. I am up to date on exams. I trust you are!

A businessman walked into a New York City bank. After asking for the loans officer, he explained that he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and wanted to borrow $5,000. The loans officer said that the bank would need some sort of collateral for such a loan, whereupon the businessman handed over the keys to his Rolls Royce, parked on the street in front of the bank. After everything checked out, the loans officer accepted the Rolls as collateral and an employee then drove the car into the bank's underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later the businessman returned and repaid the $5,000 with accumulated interest, which worked out to $15.41. Not surprisingly, the loans officer was just a bit curious about the whole thing: "We do appreciate your business and all, and this transaction has worked out very nicely -- but you are a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The businessman shrugged: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

LOL! :-)

that's a good one, maggie!!

Hi all I know what I would not mind seeing here... a table dance. *Grins wickedly* Rob

Ah yes, I seem to remember owing one or two of them to very carefully chosen people. *grin* Rob, are you sure you are ready for this? (I wonder if anyone teaches how to do this...!)

Hi all Marcia, I direct you attention back to message 861 in this subject. There was another appropriate time in 1995 when the Dennis Conner's Star and Stripes team could not find Black Magic during the last race of the America's Cup. So the quote would be: Where the @#$% has Black Magic gone? Rob

Alas, YES!!! I remember all too well. Is ths America's Cup race this summer?Where?I sure don't want to miss that!

Hi all Auckland. Racing of Rangitoto Island in the Hauraki Gulf. Rob

WHEN Rob??? I am going to search for the answer then we all will know. Thanks!

America's Cup Race Calendar http://xtramsn.co.nz/teamnewzealand/0,,7152,00.html The trouble is I cannot understand the calendar numbers. I need an American version!

Hi all Okay then. 15/02-01/03 is February 15 to March 1. Thus the period between my birthday on December 2 and Julie's on December 17 is 02/12-17/12. Rob

Hi all Marcia is almost a 1000-message lass. This is message 988. Marcia dear, how are you today? Rob

Hi Rob! HUGS!!! I have been negligent coming here since my online time is limited to when I am awake and Don is not using the line for REAL life stuff like research. I am well, thank you. HOT, but well. I will be returning to Hilo soon. *sigh*

ONLY a thousand miles? It is really a whole different planet! December for the Yacht races. Excellent

This apparently was a real memo sent out by a computer company to its employees in all seriousness.. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences. Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls. If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

*LAUGH* I read this as a joke that was passed around!!

LOL! made me laugh out loud at work. now will have to send out as a company email to explain sudden out burst :-D

Hi all Cool things are afoot in World Seismicity (my earthquakes group on Yahoo), where I have started installing the images I took in Franz Josef of the Alpine Fault. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/worldseismicity Only three at this stage but it is a start. Rob

Yo Rob!!! send them to me and I will make them available for you to post in your topic on Geo. It's easy and a whole lot more permanent and visible on the search engines.

You know you're living in the 02's when: 1. You have 5 passwords, but can only remember one. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner. 7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line. 8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies. 9. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro. 10. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket. 11. You can only write on 'sticky pads'. 12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes. 13. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job. 14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards. 15. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined. 16. Interviewees, despite not having relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary. 17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet. 18. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up. 19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital. 20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy. 21. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers". AND THE CLINCHERS ARE.. 22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling. 23. As you read this list, you THINK about forwarding it to your "friends."

LOL! Great List :-D

Hi all I am up to the 12th part of the 12 part Volcanoes of New Zealand series, dealing with the Volcanoes of New Zealand. This is the Grand Finale of the series which in the past month has seen Ruapehu, Ngauruhoe, Taranaki, Tongariro, the Auckland Volcanic Field, Mayor Island, White Island, Edgecumbe, Okataina, Tarawera and Tauhara take the stage in a New Zealand volcanic extravaganza. As we now prepare for the final stage of the series, I read a few of the highlights from the tour of the volcanoes. -At Ruapehu, I told the story of Cyril Ellis who tried in vain to stop a train approaching the lahar-swollen Whangaehu River on Christmas Eve 1953, and who helped evacuate an entire carriage load of passengers to safety from the sixth carriage on the train which plunged into the lahar. Despite his brave efforts 151 people died on that very dark night. -When dealing with Tongariro I made mention of a myriad of vents and explosion features formed by the volcano erupting through numerous features - Te Maari, Red Crater, South Crater, North Crater to name a few features. -The narrative that formed my personal experiences with White Island based on a visit in January 1991, where I visited the volcano and saw the ruins of the sulphur works. -The Mount Tarawera Rift walk which I have just put up in World Volcanism In addition pics of Ruapehu, Taupo and Tarawera are coming.... Rob

SPORTS SPEECH BLUNDERS 1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing." 2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother." 3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back." 4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." 5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious." 6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." 7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces." 8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew." 9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." 10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Hi all MARCIA, THE THOUSAND MESSAGE LASS!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Rob