screwed finally welcomes (MarciaH)

About time this here showed up! Where is everybody? Oh, hiya, Wer! Where's the toast of the party?

still trying to wake up, I think...

Party Girl reporting for same. One never knows what one will find their name attached to when they pry their eyes open in the morning. Thank you, gentlemen!

Oh, that's just my William, he's like that. (*pat on the head*) But he doesn't mean ill, so... WILLIAM! Stop playing basketball in the livingroom! Excuse me, I've gotta go and look what the little critter is up to... William!

I didn't do it!

You did!

Did not! I, I don't even know what you're talking about!

You did, too! Now, go outside and beat up the neighbours! Miss Marcia and I want to talk a bit...

Aw, boy, don't cry - what's our guest to think? Miss Marcia, he's not like this normally, I don't know what is with him right now!

Alexander, be gentle with him...see how cute and disarming he is? I would forgive him any transgression. (He is very young, you know, but isn't he shaping up nicely?!)

Rather tall and good looking, too, don't you think? Nice and solidly built!

*blush* *scuffing toe on floor* Yessir.

Oh, and he's wondrously clever and intelligent. Almost anything in in the world I want to know or discuss, he is right up there with me. I find that most enchanting. We must be good to this man. He is one of a kind!

Ooops! leaving on tiptoe

and the world is better off without more of me...had a boss once tell me he wished he could clone me...so I told him one of us would kill the other one...I could not work for myself... (spoke over the shoulder and out the door...)

and grabbin Gi so I can tag along with her... so, Gi...you used to visit in screwed...what happened? (and don't give me that marriage nonsense!)

It got too screwed even for me!:-) I wonder how you ladies and gentlemen manage to be everywhere... You may talk of "marriage nonsense", but I assure you I must have some time with the DH or he'll have grounds for divorce :-(

Remember, I almost only visited Word Association.

I know...but you were still missed when you quit showing up in there...

Thank you, that is very kind :-)

And you seem to be posting here, too...?!

Welcoming you wherever and whenever I can...:-)

Deteriorata Go placidly amid the noise and waste, And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. Rotate your tires. Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, And heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys. Know what to kiss, and when. Consider that two wrongs never make a right, but that three do. Wherever possible, put people on hold. Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, and despite the changing fortunes of time, There is always a big future in computer maintenance. Remember The Pueblo. Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle, and mutilate. Know yourself. If you need help, call the FBI. Exercise caution in your daily affairs, Especially with those persons closest to you - That lemon on your left, for instance. Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls Would scarcely get your feet wet. Fall not in love therefore. It will stick to your face. Gracefully surrender the things of youth: birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan. And let not the sands of time get in your lunch. Hire people with hooks. For a good time, call 606-4311. Ask for Ken. Take heart in the deepening gloom That your dog is finally getting enough cheese. And reflect that whatever fortune may be your lot, It could only be worse in Milwaukee. You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here. And whether you can hear it or not, The universe is laughing behind your back. Therefore, make peace with your god, Whatever you perceive him to be - hairy thunderer, or cosmic muffin. With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal, The world continues to deteriorate. Give up! copyright 1975, National Lampoon

"A TEXAN'S GUIDE TO LIFE" Don't squat with your spurs on. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. Always drink upstream from the herd. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson. When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. Never miss a good chance to shut up. There are three kinds of men: The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

Right! Neither one works.

Neither one of those three Texans has a job? That's why they hafta spend their days peeing on fences? How sad!

That was sent to me by my ex from Pennsylvania...so I posted it where I thought I would offend the fewest Texans. *lol* Sorry to hear neither one works...!

Have you ever wondered who has the time to figure all these things out????? Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. There are more chickens than people in the world. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched." On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt." All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

RANDOM THOUGHTS 1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 2. A day without sunshine is like night. 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 5. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you. 6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 7. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 8. Honk if you love peace and quiet. 9. Remember half the people you know are below average. 10. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool. 11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 12. He who laughs last thinks the slowest. 13. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 14. When everything's coming your way, chances are that you're traveling in the wrong lane. 15. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 16. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. 17. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 18. No one is listening until you make a mistake. 19. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. 20. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 21. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. 22. Two wrongs are only the beginning. 23. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up. 24. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 25. Change is inevitable except from vending machines. 26. Plan to be spontaneous-tomorrow. 27. Two wrongs may not make a right; but two Wrights made an airplane. 28. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 29. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 30. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

PENN STATE 41 ARIZONA 7

And, In Honor of Our Adopted Home State of Texas, I offer the following: A rich Texan walked into the offices of the president of a small Texas college and said, "I'd like to donate a million dollars tax free to this institution. But there's a condition. I would like to have an honorary degree." The president nodded agreeably, "That's not a problem. We can certainly arrange that!" The rich man said, "An honorary degree for my *horse*." "For your horse???" "Yep, you betcha. She carried me for many years and I owe her a lot. I'd like her to receive a Tr.D., a Doctor of Transportation." "But . . . we can't give a degree to a *horse*!" "Then I'm afraid I'll have to take my million dollars to another educational institution." "Well, wait a minute," said the president, seeing the million slip through his fingers, "Let me consult with the school's trustees." A hurried trustee meeting was brought to order and the president related the deal and the condition. All of the board reacted with shock and disbelief -- except the oldest trustee. He appeared almost asleep. One trustee snorted, "We can't give a *horse* an honorary degree -- no matter HOW much money is involved." The oldest trustee opened his eyes and said, "Take the money and give the horse the degree." The president asked, "Don't you think that would be a disgrace to us?" "Of course not, " the wise old trustee said. "It would be an honor. It'd be the first time we ever gave a degree to an ENTIRE horse."

Okay...I see the Penn State score posted here, also, but thanks for posting "Deteriorata." It has been one of my faves for 24 years!

From my ex I give you another view of Texas: Subject: Just moved to Texas May 30th Just moved to Texas. Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here. June 14th Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper. June 30th Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here. July 10th The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected. July 15th Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this. July 20th I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shit. No more pets in this heat! July 25th Dry #@*&$!% heat, my ass. Hot is hot!! The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts. July 30th Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,500 in damn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here? Aug 4th 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this #@*&$!% state. Aug 8th If another wise ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to tear his #@*&$!% throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like Roasted #@*&$!% Garfield!! Aug 10th The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to #@*& for two damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren damn desert?? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the #@*&$!% pool. Even a cactus can't live in this heat. Aug 14th Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the #@*&$!% windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail. Aug 30th Worst day of the damn summer. I'm not leaving the house. The #@*&$!% monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500 windshield. That does it, we're moving to Illinois for some peace and quiet

Things to Ponder 1. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? 2. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? 3. How do a fool and his money GET together? 4. How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes? 5. How is it that a building burns up as it burns down? 6. If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax? 7. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 8. If you throw a cat out the car window, does it become kitty litter? 9. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald? 10. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 11. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have? 12. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? 13. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? 14. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 15. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? 16. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills? 17. How come there aren't B batteries? 18. How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there? 19. How do I set my laser printer on stun? 20. How is it possible to have a civil war? 21. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 22. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 23. If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2? 24. If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry? 25. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 26. If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet? 27. If crime doesn't pay...does that mean that my job is a crime? 28. Did Noah keep his bees in archives? 29. How can there be self-help "groups"? 30. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 31. How do you know honesty is the best policy until you have tried some of the others? 32. How do you throw away a garbage can? 33. How does a Thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold? 34. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? 35. If a word in the dictionary is misspelled, how would we know? 36. If Superman is so smart, then why does he wear his underpants on the outside of his trousers? 37. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? 38. What happens to an 18-hour bra after 18 hours? 39. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? 40. Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up? 41. Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing people is wrong? 42. Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him? 43. Why is it that night falls but day breaks? 44. What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about? 45. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Real Rules Charles Sykes is the author of DUMBING DOWN OUR KIDS. He volunteered to give high school and college graduates a list of things he did not learn in school. In his book he talks about how some of the liberal, feel-good, politically correct garbage has created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and set them up for failure in the real world. These are the RULES they should learn: Rule 1 Life is not fair; get used to it. Rule 2 The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. Rule 3 You will not make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone until you *earn* both. Rule 4 If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure. Rule 5 Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger-flipping; they called it opportunity. Rule 6 If you screw up, it's not your parents' fault so don't whine about your mistakes. Learn from them. Rule 7 Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning your room, and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. So before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room. Rule 8 Your school may have done away with winners and losers but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades, they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life. Rule 9 Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time. Rule 10 Television is not real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. Rule 11 Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I can't tell you how many times I've had kids look at me like I was off my -------- rocker for telling them some of these, especially #3, #4, and #11.

Oh yes, I'll bet you have gotten a lot of grief over them. With a little luck they will remember them long enough to realize their value. Thanks for trying to teach those little skulls full of mush...*smile*

Your tax dollars at work: One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels. The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisorthe situation. The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels... just lean on each other until they arrive."

*lol* Dear! It would be a lot funnier if it weren't so true!

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Stecey gave me this idea inadventently (she is so clever, she knew...) and Wolf made a request to see the print bigger, so I am purposely leaving the bold HTML tag open so all posts are emboldened. Please leave it this way on this topic. Thank you!

An eagle swoops down on a frog and swallows the hapless amphibian whole. The frog remains alive through the eagle's entire digestive tract until it can see the ground far below while peeking out the bird of prey's anus. "Hey, Eagle, how high up are we?" asked the frog. "Oh, about a mile," replied the eagle." "You wouldn't shit me, now, would you?"

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!" The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

A man was in an accident and his penis was chopped off. He was rushed to the hospital where the doctor examined him, and after careful examination said, "We can replace it with a small size for $5,000, a medium size for $15,000, or an extra-large size for $30,000. I realize it's a lot of money, so take your time and talk it over with your wife." When the doctor came back into the room he found the man staring sadly at the floor. "My wife says she'd rather have a new kitchen."

*lol* the first one, and poor choice for the second one...(leaving the bold HTML tags open on purpose so we can read what is posted...)

"That's your analysis," said the lab tech.

indeed...*smile*

It's still August and already I'm playing hooky. Had no energy this morning...was afraid I'd fall asleep in class, so called for sub.

There was a Texan living in Bristol a while back. Huge fellow he was, had to duck under all but the highest of doorways, and often had to go through sideways. And he was always going on about how much bigger things were back home, used to really bore everyone senseless with his bragging. Anyway, he died one day, and wound up in a mortuary where a friend of mine worked. Charlie was telling me about the trouble they had, trying to find a coffin big enough to plant him in. They looked everywhere, but there was nothing that even came close, and it would take time to have one specially made."So what did you do?" I asked. "Oh," said Charlie, "it was simple, really. We gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box."

The sky was dark, the moon was high, All alone, just she and I. Her hair so soft, her eyes so brown, Her hair so smooth like eider down. Her skin so soft, her legs so fine, I ran my fingers down her spine. I didn't know how but I tried my best, I placed my hands upon her breast. I felt my fear, my beating heart, but slowly she spread her legs apart. And as I tried to hide my shame all at once the white stuff came. I've finished and it's over now, the first time that I've milked a cow.

Two lines about hair...that's what I get for posting my uncle's redneck doggerel.

Redneck doggerel edited for form and content. The sky was dark, the moon was high and all alone was she and I. Her lines so soft, her eyes so brown her hair as smooth as eider down, her skin just right, her legs so fine I ran my fingers down her spine. I didn't know how but tried my best, I placed my hands upon her breast. I felt my fear, my beating heart, but slowly she spread her legs apart I had just overcome my shame when all at once the white stuff came. And that's the end, it's over now, the first time that I've milked a cow.

That is sooo goood ... *lol* Thank you, John!

Welcome, ma'am...

That is sooo goood ... *lol* Thank you, John!

How are we doing that? It happened in art this morning. I do not double post! ...the joys of yapp software...

News Headlines Marijuana Issue Sent To A Joint Committee * Toronto Star headline Publicize your business absolutely free! Send $6. * Entrepreneur Magazine ad Gators To Face Seminoles With Peters Out * The Tallahassee Bugle Messiah Climaxes In Chorus Of Hallelujahs * The Anchorage, Alaska Times Married Priests In Catholic Church A Long Time Coming * The New Haven, Connecticut Register Governor Chiles Offers Rare Opportunity To Goose Hunters * The Tallahassee Democrat Would She Climb To The Top Of Mr. Everest Again? Absolutely! * The Houston Chronicle Governor's Penis Busy [should be "Pen Is"] * The New Haven, Connecticut Register Thanks To President Clinton, Staff Sgt. Fruer Now Has A Son * The Arkansas Plainsman Clinton Places Dickey In Gore's Hands * Bangor Maine News Starr Aghast At First Lady Sex Position * The Washington Times Clinton Stiff On Withdrawal * The Bosnia Bugle Long Island Stiffens For Lili's Blow * Newsday Organ Festival Ends In Smashing Climax * San Antonio Rose Petroleum Jelly Keeps Idle Tools Rust-free * Chicago Daily News Textron Inc. Makes Offer To Screw Company Stockholders * The Miami Herald

Hilo's own Hawaii Tribune-Herald headlined Connecticut's NCAA women's basketball championship a couple of years ago with: Husky Women Are Best Good, show MarciaMarciaMarcia

Thanks for adding the local touch - I had quite forgotten about it.

Top ten things that would be different if the 12 apostles had been gay: 10. The Last Supper would have been brunch. 9. The Beatitudes would start, "Fabulous are they..." 8. Jesus' triumphant entry into Jerusalem screams for a production number, with ostrich feather palm fronds and a large oyster shell instead of just a donkey. 7. The water at the wedding feast of Canaan would not have been changed to wine, but extra dry Bombay Sapphire martinis with a touch of Curacao for color. 6. The temple would not only have been cleansed of moneychangers, but redecorated as well. 5. Mary's hair would have been flawless. 4. The Gospels would be Mathew, Mark, Lance, and Bruce. 3. Priests would have torrid affairs with altar boys... wait....never mind. 2. Jesus would never wear white after Labor Day. 1. The Sermon on the Mount would have been a musical.

*lol* I wonder how many people this managed to offend. Very funny and Thanks for contributing to my delinquence.

I thought offending was the basic premise of "Screwed." Pardonez-moi, s'il vous plait!

But it is...it is the place where no holds are barred - that is why there is word association and word disassociation topics, and all sorts of other things. and, what better place to put sightly wild humor than in screwed?!

Ha-hA!!!! Good stuff, John!!!

In the immortal words of the father of my illegitimate birth, Elvis Presley (Lisa Marie got the money, I got the waistline), "Thankya, thankya verramuch..." More mangled language: On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hopefor. In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers. In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotelporter. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin. On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life. Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.

T-shirts for Women 1- I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day. 2- Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it. 3- Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later. 4- Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time. 5- Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths? 6- I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time. 7- Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win. 8- You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP. 9- Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. 10- Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares? 11- I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them. 12- Next mood swing: 6 minutes. 13- I hate everybody, and you're next. 14- Please don't make me kill you. 15- And your point is... 16- I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now. 17- All stressed out and no one to choke. 18- I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people. 19- How can I miss you if you won't go away? 20- Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

Good stuff Marcia...and you have your topic back... 21. Are you stoned? Or just STUPID!

Most of those comments above do not reflect this poster's thoughts. I just posted it for the truly screwed members of the audience...

John - Visit often...I shall miss you if you do not!

Having a car accident can be a confusing experience for many people, especially when asked to write down the details of the accident in a few well-chosen words. The following words were chosen by drivers in the summaries purportedly submitted to police when asked. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him. The proximate/indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. I saw her look twice, she appeared to be making slow progress, then, we met on impact. The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went into the bush with just his rear-end showing. I had been driving my car for 40 years when I fell asleep and had the accident. I had been learning to drive with power-steering. I turned the wheel, what I thought was enough, and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way. I was on my way to the doctor's with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before. I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured scull. I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the highway when I struck him. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's lap. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of it's path, when it struck my front end. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obstructing my vision. I did not see the other car. The accident occurred while I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering into the other vehicle. As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished. When I saw I could not avoid the collision. I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows. The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. And finally, one driver willing to admit he was less than totally innocent: No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.

OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know about: 660 Approximate number of the Beast DCLXVI Roman numeral of the Beast 666.0000 Number of the High Precision Beast 0.666 Number of the Millibeast / 666 Beast Common Denominator (-666) ^ (1/2) Imaginary number of the Beast 6.66 e3 Floating point Beast 1010011010 Binary of the Beast 6, uh... what was that number again? Number of the Blonde Beast 1-666 Area code of the Beast 00666 Zip code of the Beast 666mph The speed limit of the Beast $665.95 Retail price of the Beast $699.25 Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax $769.95 Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul $656.66 Walmart price of the Beast $646.66 Next week's Walmart price of the Beast Phillips 666 Gasoline of the Beast Route 666 Way of the Beast 666 F Oven temperature for roast Beast 666k Retirement plan of the Beast 666 mg Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast 6.66 % 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank, $666 minimum deposit. $666/hr Beast's lawyer's billing rate Lotus 6-6-6 Spreadsheet of the Beast Word 6.66 Word Processor of the Beast i66686 CPU of the Beast 666i BMW of the Beast DSM-666 (revised) Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast 1232 Octal, Apt. 29A Beast's hexed address 668 Next-door neighbor of the Beast 333 The semi-Christ 665.9997856 The Number of the Beast on a Pentium

The Beast in Mathematical Terms 666.66666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666 Repeating decimals are worse than repeating chili...

If you say so...*lol*

Ha-HA!!!! Hey have any of you read about the 2 new space telescopes built in America. This is no joke. The one is called the VLT - which apparently stands for .... can you guess??? VERY LARGE TELESCOPE. And then there's and even larger, more advanced one, called the OLT. For OVERWHELMINGLY LARGE TELESCOPE!!!! ha-ha! Is that to die for or what??? Says something about scientists and the imagination, and I hope Ray never ever reads this, 'cos I'll be dead meat!

Hey, lets hide it in Screwed where the print is small (oops!) and the background is confusing...he'll never see it clear from Corpus!!! They also have VLA telescopes which are Very Long Arrays!!! Usually radio telescopes...!

ha-ha! NUTS!

Eleanor Roosevelt wrote: Many people will walk in and out of your life, But only true friends will leave footprints in your heart. To handle yourself, use your head; To handle others, use your heart. Anger is only one letter short of danger. If someone betrays you once, it is his fault; If he betrays you twice, it is your fault. Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. He who loses money, loses much; He who loses a friend, loses much more; He who loses faith, loses all. Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, But beautiful old people are works of art. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself. Friends, you and me.... You brought another friend.... And then there were 3.... We started our group.... Our circle of friends.... And like that circle.... There is no beginning or end.... Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's the Present.

It is evident where FDR drew upon a great deal of his wisdom...and why the nation was in good hands when FDR was too infirm to take care of the presidential business himself. Thanks Marcia, for these inspiring words!

The History Of, "Giving The Finger" In the film, Titanic, the character Rose is shown giving the finger to Jack (another character). Many people who have seen the film, question whether "giving the finger" was done around the time of the itanic disaster, or was it a more recent gesture invented by some defiant young punk. According to research, here's the true story: GIVING THE FINGER BEFORE THE BATTLE OF AGINCOURT IN 1415: The French, anticipating victory over the English, intended to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. They waved their middle finger towards the British signaling their intent. You see, without the middle finger it is impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and, therefore, the disfigured British soldiers would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous weapon (the longbow) was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew"). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!" Over the years some "folk-etymologies" have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since "pluck yew" is rather difficult to say (like "peasant mother pheasant plucker"; which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter. It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".

For my Aloha piece "If Tomorrow Never Comes" If I knew it would be the last time that I'd see you fall asleep, I would tuck you in more tightly and pray the Lord, your soul to keep. If I knew it would be the last time that I see you walk out the door, I would give you a hug and kiss and call you back for one more. If I knew it would be the last time I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise, I would video tape each action and word, so I could play them back day after day. If I knew it would be the last time, I could spare an extra minute or two to stop and say "I love you," instead of assuming you would KNOW I do If I knew it would be the last time I would be there to share your day, well I'm sure you'll have so many more, so I can let just this one slip away. For surely there's always tomorrow to make up for an oversight, and we always get a second chance to make everything right. There will always be another day to say our "I love you's", And certainly there's another chance to say our "Anything I can do's?" But just in case I might be wrong, and today is all I get, I'd like to say how much I love you and I hope we never forget, Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike, And today may be the last chance you get to hold your loved one tight So if you're waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today? For if tomorrow never comes, you'll surely regret the day, That you didn't take that extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss and you were too busy to grant someone, what turned out to be their one last wish. So hold your loved ones close today, and whisper in their ear, Tell them how much you love them and that you'll always hold them dear Take time to say "I'm sorry," "Please forgive me," "thank you," or "its okay". And if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today.

hello to you too...

Hi Stacey! Thanks for dropping by. Please ignore the email I sent you this morning. I hope Alexander deletes his, as well. I spent the day communing with gravel and have a tbsp of olivines (peridots) to show for it and a back ache from crouching for five hours (after trying to play a piano which has missing notes and octaves...) And a headache from thinking things over...

(BTW, thanks for taking that Aloha as hello! I meant goodbye when I wrote it...but I am afraid there is too much of Spring in me to go that route.)

LOVE VS LUST VS MARRIAGE LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room. LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room. MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room. LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."' LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing." MARRIAGE - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania. LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have. LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot. MARRIAGE - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids. LOVE - When you share everything you own. LUST - When you steal everything they own. MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything. LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax. LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax. MARRIAGE - When ... uh ... what's a climax? LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi." LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room. MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch about work. LOVE - When you write poems about your partner. LUST - When all you write is your phone number. MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks. LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings. LUST -When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all around. MARRIAGE - When you're only concern as to what's on TV. LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner. LUST - When you only see each other naked. MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake. LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them. LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them. MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them. LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel. LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it. MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio. LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about. LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about. MARRIAGE - When just getting through the day is your only thought. LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner. LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner. MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score. LOVE - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk. LUST-When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex. MARRIAGE- When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement. LOVE- You only leave the house to buy coffee and doughnuts. LUST- You only leave the house to buy condoms and Vaseline. MARRIAGE- You only leave the house when you're allowed.

*LOL* To me, intercourse has always been "talking!"

ALWAYS???? Oh John, I am sooo sorry!!! Subject: "Keep Your Fork" There was a woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things "in order", she contacted her pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in. The woman also requested to be buried with her favorite Bible. Everything was in order and the pastor was preparing to leave when the woman suddenly remembered something very important to her. "There's one more thing," she said excitedly. "What's that?" came the pastor's reply. "This is very important," the woman continued. "I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand." The pastor stood looking at the woman, not knowing quite what to say. "That surprises you, doesn't it?" the woman asked. "Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the pastor. The woman explained. "In all my years of attending church socials and potluck dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say,'Keep your fork'. It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming...like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance! So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder "What's with the fork?'. Then I want you to tell them: "Keep your fork....the best is yet to come". The pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the woman goodbye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She knew something better was coming. At the funeral people were walking by the woman's casket and they saw the pretty dress she was wearing anothher favorite Bible and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the pastor heard the question "What's with the fork?" And over and over he smiled. During his message, the pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. The pastor told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either. He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork, let it remind you oh so gently,that the best is yet to come.

Beautifully put.

John,what color should I dye my hair?

Auburn

Why did I know you would say that? And, I know I would kill the first person who called me a redhead...better try for something more subtle. Meanwhile...for Ri�tte, Alexander, Elena and the rest of you who speak and write English better than the natives: -- The English Language -- (author unknown) We'll begin with box, and the plural is boxes; But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes. Then one fowl is goose, but two are called geese ... Yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a whole lot of mice, But the plural of house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called men, When couldn't the plural of pan be called pen? The cow in the plural may be cows or kine, But the plural of vow is vows, not vine. And I speak of a foot, and you show me your feet, But I give a boot... would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth? If the singular is this and plural is these, Why shouldn't the plural of kiss be nicknamed kese? Then one may be that, and three may be those, Yet the plural of hat would never be hose; We speak of a brother, and also of brethren, But though we say mother, we never say methren. The masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine she, shis, and shim! So our English, I think you will all agree, Is the trickiest language you ever did see. I take it you already know Of tough and bough and cough and dough? Others may stumble, but not you On hiccough, thorough, slough, and through? Well done! And now you wish, perhaps, To learn of less familiar traps? Beware of heard, a dreadful word That looks like beard and sounds like bird. And dead; it's said like bed, not bead; For goodness sake, don't call it deed! Watch out for meat and great and threat, (they rhyme with suite and straight and debt) A moth is not a moth in mother. Nor both in bother, broth in brother. And here is not a match for there. And dear and fear for bear and pear. And then there's dose and rose and lose -- Just look them up -- and goose and choose. And cork and work and card and ward, And font and front and word and sword. And do and go, then thwart and cart. Come, come, I've hardly made a start. A dreadful language? Man alive, I'd learned to speak it when I was five, And yet to write it, the more I sigh...

MENtal illness - MENstrual cramps- MENtal breakdown - MENopause- Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN??

THE PERFECT MAN The perfect man is gentle Never cruel or mean He has a beautiful smile And keeps his face so clean. The perfect man likes children And will raise them by your side He will be a good father As well as a good husband to his bride. The perfect man loves cooking Cleaning and vacuuming, too He'll do anything in his power To convey his feelings of love on to you. The perfect man is sweet Writing poetry from your name He's a best friend to your mother And kisses away your pain. He never has made you cry Or hurt you in any way To hell with this endless poem The perfect man is gay.

If Riette does kill me, this is evidence you suggested it (conspiracy). She wouldn't actually have to kill me. If she planted an adder in my car or apartment, I'd have a heart attack if I saw it before it bit me!

*lol* she would have to get it from Zurich to Hilo, something of a daunting proposition in the best of times. Then through animal quarantine...You will most likely die of old age before all of that transpires, or the snake will...!

People seem to be able to smuggle reptiles into Hawaii at will. If she does pull it off, I may be the only person ever killed for mistaking auburn for 'ehu (Hawaiian for red hair) and admitting to liking Benny Hill!

Not to worry. Ree can get her back up in indignation, but she is not willfully cruel or malicious. You are too much fun to do away with, I am pretty sure! (and, yes, I know all about the crazies who smuggle "pets" into Hawaii...)

The Hawaii County Fair started at 6pm this evening. At two minutes before that hour the rains descended as they do each and every year. 4 more days of rain!

Wow, what a fascinating tradition!

Alexander, the arrival of the County Fair is more reliable predictor of the weather for that weekend than any witching method or science known to mankind. I think it is God's little reminder of just who is in charge down here...not the winner of the most blue ribbons for orchid plants or fattest pig or biggest (and saltiest) pumpkin...*smile*

The Top 37 Oxymorons 37. Act naturally 36. Found missing 35. Resident alien 34. Advanced Basic 33. Good grief 32. Same difference 31. Almost exactly 30. Sanitary landfill 29. Alone together 28. Legally drunk 27. Silent scream 26. Small crowd 25. Soft rock 24. Butt head 23. New classic 22. Sweet sorrow 21. Childproof 20. Now, then ... 19. Synthetic natural gas 18. Passive aggressive 17. Taped live 16. Clearly misunderstood 15. Peace force 14. Extinct Life 13. Temporary tax increase 12. Computer jock 11. Plastic glasses 10. Terribly pleased 09. Political science 08. Tight slacks 07. Definite maybe 06. Pretty ugly 05. Twelve-ounce pound cake 04. Diet ice cream 03. Working vacation 02. Exact estimate 01. Microsoft Works

Here it is, the secret chart used by bachelors worldwide, because they don't have wives who can recognize on sight (and sometimes before) when the Big Mac has become one with the special sauce. FREEZER FOODS: ICE CREAM - If you can't tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it's time to throw BOTH out. FROZEN FOODS - Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife. IN THE FRIDGE: EGGS - When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime. DAIRY PRODUCTS - Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway -- if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon appetite! MEAT - If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat. UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. EMPTY GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: - Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this. ON THE SHELF: CANNED GOODS - Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of ... Very carefully. POTATOES - Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth. THE GAG TEST - Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night). BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals. CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date, or when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself. FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open it. PRETZELS: Normally eternal, pretzels may be discarded if they can no longer be picked up without falling apart. Otherwise, there's nothing to stop you from eating a pretzel that the Pharaoh put down only 4000 years ago. RAISINS: Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth. SALT: It never spoils. However, if you can't chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours. SPICES: Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will. VINEGAR: If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good. EXPIRATION DATES: This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Even dry foods older than you are may be ready to replace. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen

TOP TEN PROPOSED HILLARY CLINTON CAMPAIGN SLOGANS 10. "Read My Lips -- No New Interns" 9. "Reward Me For Putting Up With Bill's Crap For So Long" 8. "Isn't It Time You Were Disappointed By A Different Clinton?" 7. "Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You, Ask How You Can Illegally Contribute To My Campaign" 6. "Vote For Me Or My Husband Will Nail Your Wife" 5. "You Give Me A Vote, I'll Get Vernon Jordan To Give You A Job" 4. "Still Not Indicted As Of Early '99!" 3. "From Perjury To Albany" 2. "Building a Bridge To The 21st Century, and Pushing My Husband Over It" 1. "Oh Lord, Please Don't Make Me Go Back To Arkansas!!!"

Good ones. I hear Hill isn't doing so great with her campaign. She just can't feel the pain I guess.

*lol* That must be it!

My source in New York says they have bumper stickers which say "Run Hillary Run." Democrats put them on their back bumpers, Republicans on the front!

"Winterize your lawn," the big sign outside the garden store commanded. I've fed it, watered it, mowed it, raked it and watched a lot of it die anyway. Now I'm supposed to winterize it? I hope it's too late. Grass lawns have to be the stupidest thing we've come up with outside of thong swimsuits! We constantly battle dandelions, Queen Anne's lace, thistle, violets, chicory and clover that thrive naturally, so we can grow grass that must be nursed through an annual four-step chemical dependency. Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with St. Francis about this: "Frank you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles." "It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great extent to kill them and replace them with grass." "Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?" "Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn." "The spring rains and cool weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy." "Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it - sometimes twice a week." "They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?" "Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags." "They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?" "No, sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away." "Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?" "Yes, sir." "These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work." "You aren't going believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it." "What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life." "You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and have them hauled away." "No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and keep the soil moist and loose?" "After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves." "And where do they get this mulch?" "They cut down trees and grind them up." "Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?" "Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about..." "Never mind I think I just heard the whole story."

The Business World: When the body was first created, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control all of the body's responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss since we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." Finally, the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So, the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic, and the brain fevered. Eventually, they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit! Moral Of The Story: You don't need brains to be a Boss; any asshole will do.

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention...the assembly line for the automobile...changed the world. "As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want." Ford thinks about it, and says, - "I want to hang out with God Himself." So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, - "When you invented Woman, what were You thinking?" God asks, "What do you mean?" "Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. There's too much front end protrusion. 2. It chatters way too much at high speeds. 3. Maintenance is extremely high. 4. It constantly needs repainting, and refinishing. 5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days. 6. The rear end wobbles too much. 7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust. 8. The headlights are usually too small. 9. Fuel consumption is outrageous. Just to name a few." "Hmmm...," replies God, "Hold on a minute." God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours.

Subject: y2k WARNING!!! Please take time out of your busy lives to check your toilet paper stockpile. Make sure it's Y2K compliant!!! Word has it, if it isn't, come Jan 1, 2000, it will roll back to 1900, then turn into a Sears Catalog!!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!

Time to run to Target and buy more. I'll check for the y2k compliant label.

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: "PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS" The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: "PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT" The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: "BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS" This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: "NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN" The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read: "NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00" This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read: "NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE" The Bishop was buried the next day.

Confutatis maladictis!

Watchit there, Buddy...ladies may be reading this...*LOL*

Translated roughly from the Latin, it means "consigned to flames of woe." I was, of course, referring to the dearly departed Bishop.

According to my Latin dictionary it is more like "silencing abusive speech"

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" The woman replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my husband." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women. "Could I borrow that dog?" "Get in line."

Response 25 of 26: Wolf (wolf) * Fri, Oct 1, 1999 (19:26) * 2 lines well, just like some folks like math and others english, there are people people and animal people. i am of the latter, for sure. there are some things i condone that some of these radical protestors would be infuriated over. you know, stuff like eating meat! wearing fur coats if you can't get a synthetic coat (i.e., native peoples), hunting but only if you eat what you hunt, etc. everything in moderation, you know? people just want to belong to something and then lose their mind in the middle of a "herd" movement. for this reason, i am against greenpeace, who promote violence in their efforts to help animals, and abortion clinic protestors who kill the doctors. Topic 8 of 27 [SpringArk]: Captivity If you value Spring and the discussions herein (not to mention the venting going on), do you realize this is Terry's web site for which he pays all the bills? Please, it is time to help with any donation you can afford. He has some pretty big bills to pay and he needs your (and my) help to sustain all of the stuff we are posting. Think if he had to cut back and eliminate some of - or all of - the conferences?! Please! Send contributions to: Paul Terry Walhus The Spring 9011 Quail Creek Dr Austin, TX 78758

Addendum...if you would like to see the stats for Spring to check and see all that encompasses: Our stats, for anyone interested, are at http://www.spring.net/stats/stats.cgi Visto is supposed to pay quarterly, but we haven't seen our first check yet. We may be stepping up our shopping areas and going after more clickthrough revenue.

BRIGHT WOMEN..... We got off the Titanic first. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers. We can cry and get off speeding fines. Taxis stop for us. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the Speedo. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute. We have the ability to dress ourselves. If we marry someone 20 yrs younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. We'll never regret piercing our ears. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

Stacey sent this to me... Why Yelling at a Man Doesn't Work What a woman says: "This place is a mess! C'mon You and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, And you'll have no clothes to wear If we don't do laundry right now!" What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

Hi Amy..we are safe in here and will not clutter up the other boards with out lamentations and pain...!

I am emboldening it so we can see what we are writing. Please don't close the tags unless you like to start them each time we write.

Okay, I'm here. I sent your email with the address so you can see him--I'm very anxiously waiting to see what you think! I don't care very much for that picture at all, but since I don't have a scanner, I can't send you one I do like. This is some background! Psychadelic!

That is something we chose together before he had to become scarse. I think when he gets back from his hiatus I will encourage him to change it back to something less wild. BTW, is this not the best title for a topic discussing our "problems?!" *lol* There are some pretty funny files in here - it is where I put the ones I deem worthy of a larger audience than my email list.

So, did you see him? Some time in the near future, my picture is going to be there too. All teachers get their pix on there, so you can see mine whenever it goes up. I'll let you know when it does.

OK! Excellent! (I gather you got my Email about the man in question.) My photograph is http://www.spring.net/yapp-bin/restricted/read/porch/35.162 My geologist son is http://www.spring.net/yapp-bin/public/read/porch/35.197

Sorry I sort of disappeared for a while--things got a little hectic around here! I read your email, and it was very sweet. I'll write you a proper response when I get a chance! I'm going right now to look at your picture!

Saw the pix--man, I wish I had a scanner! My sister walked by as your picture came up and said, "Boy, she looks real happy!" *giggle* Surprisingly enough, you look quite like I imagined you. Your son is very handsome--he bears a slight resemblance to Alan Rickman, I think. And geology is my lost career!

ok, i'm here too....btw, i liked all the antedotes, marcia!! really laughed at the oxymorons. have you heard "awfully good"? (oh, marcia, when you posted my quip from springark, were you hinting that i should send money?? *grin*)

Moi...Wolfie? No...not unless you can afford to - but I have concentrated on Drool all of the other times, and I thought perhaps other conferences could help Terry, too. Nothing personal meant, whatsoever!!! *hugs* Happy you enjoyed the humor (yup...awfully good!) Geology is my lost career, as well. Please visit my conference and post from time to time - It gets lonely in there!!! http://www.spring.net/yapp-bin/restricted/browse/geo/all/

and please visit: http://www.spring.net/yapp-bin/restricted/browse/springark/all/ http://www.spring.net/yapp-bin/restricted/browse/paraspring/all/ had to put in a plug or two! and marcia, no offense taken, my dear! *hugs*

Everybody ready to launch into a conversation about hopeless romances?

Sheesh...does this mean we can call ourselves The Academia Nuts?!

Vent, my dear!!! The older but not a whole lot wiser are here with their velvet gloves at the ready to rub down all that anguish...

Yes, we shall be the Academia Nuts! Very clever! I don't know if I have anything else to say right now--somebody give me an idea!

First a little levity thanks to John: The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will gladly contribute $1,000." Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000." Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge." He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!" This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"

Perhaps we have cried ourselves out for the present...does not mean we will not have a fresh flood of anguish in the near future...we are just regrouping. I found it very comforting talking about it with someone who knew exactly and acutely what I was feeling...and I still love him...!

If you really want to read some funny posts that I considered to risque for here, read John's screwed site at 169. Very funny, indeed.

Okay, since I think we have the weepy business out of the way for the moment, I believe this calls for a poem which I find highly appropriate. Sonnet xli by Edna St. Vincent Millay I, being born a woman and distressed By all the needs and notions of my kind, Am urged by your propinquity to find Your person fair, and feel a certain zest To bear your body's weight upon my breast: So subtly is the fume of life designed, To clarify the pulse and cloud the mind, And leave me once again undone, possessed. Think not for this, however, the poor treason Of my stout blood against my staggering brain, I shall remember you with love, or season My scorn with pity,--let me make it plain: I find this frenzy insufficient reason For conversation when we meet again. (If we were brave, we would each send this to our exes!)

Oh yes! But I have not that venom in my heart nor the courage to back it up. 'tis wonderful, though, and I would encourage YOU to send it to yours!!!

A bit of Dorothy Parker for a lesson tonight: The Lady's Reward Lady, lady, never start Conversation toward your heart; Keep your pretty words serene; Never murmur what you mean. Show yourself, by word and look, Swift and shallow as a brook. Be as cool and quick to go As a drop of April snow; Be as delicate and gay As a cherry flower in May. Lady, lady, never speak Of the tears that burn your cheek- She will never win him, whose Words had shown she feared to lose. Be you wise and never sad, You will get your lovely lad. Never serious be, nor true, And your wish will come to you- And if that makes you happy, kid, You'll be the first it ever did.

Oh no--I could never, never send that to him! I'm not supposed to be angry with him at all, considering that I told him I'd forgiven him for what he did. I hate feeling that I'm at a state of war with him, but it seems that way sometimes because we are both so dad-blasted proud and stubborn that we'll never let the other have the "one-up" on us. That is a marvelous poem. It rather reminds me of something Mammy told Scarlett in "Gone With the Wind," remember?

BTW, there's an email waiting for you!

...and now there is one waiting for you...*smile* ...going to post a poem at loss...

Another email for you, Marcia!

and one back to you *smile*

Here's another goodie from Edna St. Vincent Millay (whom I think deserves her own topic:) Sonnet xcv Women have loved before as I love now; At least, in lively chronicles of the past-- Of Irish waters by a Cornish prow Of Trojan waters by a Spartan mast Much to their cost invaded--here and there, Hunting the amorous line, skimming the rest, I find some woman bearing as I bear Love like a burning city in the breast. I think however that of all alive I only in such utter, ancient way Do suffer love; in me alone survive The unregenerate passions of a day When treacherous queens, with death upon the tread, Heedless and willful, took their knights to bed. (Oh, my Chevalier!)

We know that feeling, do we not?! Oh my! And for so long I thought I was the only one since time began who ached like that and yearned so acutely...

we must get a list together for Wolfie for her conference (poetry) so she can make Millay and D Parker Topics...! Or one called Sardonic verses perhaps?

What though the radiance which was once so bright Be now forever taken from my sight, Though nothing can bring back the hour Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower; We will grieve not, rather find Strength in what remains behind; In the primal sympathy Which having been must ever be; In the soothing thoughts that spring Out of human suffering; In the faith that looks through death, In years that bring the philosophic mind. from William Wordsworth "Ode: Intimations of Immortality", stanza 10. I love Millay's and Parker's sardonic wit, but being male (and yes, one who has had my heart crushed as well...), thought I might bring another perspective (albeit, at the risk of it--and me--being unwelcome).

No no, you're not unwelcome at all! Being a Romanticist, I think that poem is highly appropriate. As a matter of fact, when I started scrolling down the page, I was reciting along with it! Wordsworth talks about finding "strength in what remains behind," but what if you have nothing? I find your perspective very interesting, John--I'm curious to see how men handle the same situation when faced with it.

I just remember this variation of "The Serenity Prayer": Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to forever hide the bodies of the people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. But seriously, Amy, call me hopelessly "Romantic." I don't believe that one is ever left with nothing, as long as one has not sold his or her soul. And yours is the soul of a poet. I go through anger, denial, grief, and then somewhere down the road, acceptance. It took me a long time with my last one, who I was not with for long, but loved intensely (she was my Muse). I think the old cliche "Women fall faster; men fall harder" is true.

John, I feel immensely guilty for having ever been nasty to you. You are a kind and gentle soul! Do you really think I have the soul of a poet? Wow! I don't think anyone has ever said that about me before. No, I don't think I sold my soul--Good God, I hope not! I only feel like I was left with nothing because I spent ten months of my life consumed with him--he was everything that meant anything to me--and now I have nothing to show for it except for a box of momentoes under my bed. A book he gave me. Some department newsletters with stories about him in them. A letter he wrote to me. My reading journal from his class. Nothing that amounts to much of anything for all of the time and effort I put into p easing him.

I am searching for evidence that men fall harder than women. If I had fallen any harder I'd be splat on the windshield of life. I did fall sooner. If nothing else, you take away experience...this is what I kept telling my son as he sobbed out the anguish of a broken heart. It made him more compassionate toward the next young lady who came into his life. He agreed with me, but still wishes he could have avoided learning such a painful lesson. So do I...! As far as I know, I have been forgotten...but I hope not...I am pretty hard to forget.

This is a really bizarre thing for him to say, but my ex (I can't think of anything else to call him,) said that I "shouldn't have any regrets about it,"(probably because he doesn't,) and that I should "chalk it up as a learning experience." And if there were such a thing as dying of a broken heart, I would have already done it. Just as Rosalind said in As You Like It: "But these are all lies: men have died from time to time, and worms have eaten them, but not for love."

It is easy to put one's anguish before all others. I wonder how it is quantified...not an easy thing to measure. Thanks for quoting Rosalind...it is one of my favorite lines. (Your ex sounds very cold-hearted...not even an "I'm sorry" ??? Has he done this to anyone else?)

I think we should form a lit circle with John at the center and we could revolve around him and satisfy his need for discourse with the feminine gender on an intellectual level...! What say you?

Oh, he did say he was sorry--sorry that he hurt my feelings and that things had to turn out the way they did. I think he just didn't know of any other way to break the relationship off. Although I am hesitant to "revolve" around any man, even one as enlightened as John, I think it would be a great idea. So says I. Oh, I got the email from TFB--I knew she'd get around to it eventually!

As soon as TFB's email came through it went out to you...too amazing especially when I had spent the last 24 hours with an SO of her SO...so to speak. Whew! I meant to revolve in the manner of taking turns rather than inflict just one of us on him...as in my case, I am sure he would feel it would be. Variety and all that.

An SO of her SO? Hmm, I don't think I was ever his SO, not by a long shot. I think I could maybe warrant being called "a dalliance," or "a fancy," or "a pretty plaything," or something to that effect, but not an SO.

AhSo...screwed indeed, but in John's sense of the word...the worst possible way. You are far more worthy of better than plaything dalliance than just about anyone I can think of - shame on him for taking advantage of your vulnerability! (Didn't work, did it? Still carrying that flaming torch, as I am...!)

Ah yes, I know...but I can't throw ten good months out the window just because it ended badly! Up until that point, he was absolutely angelic to me and did anything I asked, and if he hadn't come along, I don't know where I would be right now. Probably not in graduate school and certainly not teaching--all of that was his idea!

Ok, you redeemed him in my eyes...he has done a great service to you. He should have completed it =) One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost." God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!" But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network. Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net. Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing... They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

I don't need anyone to revolve around me (lord knows that's a year-long trip anyhow). But I am enjoying the poetry in the posts, and am glad that my Masters advisors are male. Who knows what will happen when and if I attempt a doctorate. Amy, despite the fact that teaching is indeed a noble profession, if you get into teaching full-time at the university level, watch your back! I teach high school and I don't really trust some of my administrators and colleagues, but I am politically active and a u ion activist, so they don't dare pull nasty stuff with me. My poetry professor as an undergrad, who is one of the finest young poets out there today, although not well known, was denied tenure by a committee containing a couple of jealous colleagues--just as his first novel got a Pushcart award. Marcia knows his work, although I don't think she's met him. Unfortunately, he's having to cobble a meager existence as a freelance writer. But use your heart wrenching experience to your creative best. You d have the soul of a poet. I am seldom wrong about these things. And when you are the powerful prof and there is some young grad student who worships the very lectern you lean on, please be kind.

Somehow, I can't imagine my students worshipping me--right now, they don't even have enough respect to pay attention, stop talking when I tell them to, read aloud when asked, or turn in their papers on time (if at all.) They told me that I'm not a "real teacher," whatever that means--but they'll be getting real Fs on their grade reports! Thank God I haven't the slightest interest in younger men!

Life can be a bitch for TAs. They're the student-teachers of the college food chain. But one day, it will be your turn...and I'm not asking you to be interested (other than in a professorly way)...just to be kind. There will be some student (either male or female, it doesn't matter in affairs of the heart) who feels about you the way you feel about this (obviously married) prof. I am pushing 50, quite overweight, but I can see that even considering that, there is the occasional high school girl who has more than a teacherly interest in me. Quite obviously, nothing can come from that, but I have no choice but to be flattered and to be as humanly considerate of the poor girl's feelings as I can. There is a slim, sultry, 17-year-old, Tahitian hula dancing young woman who makes it a point to visit me every recess and lunch (and I have mastered the art of grading papers while talking to her, so she doesn't interfere withmy work). Even though she has a boyfriend, she has thoughts of me beyond a teacher y way--and they will disappear the minute she graduates! (Forbidden fruit). That's all it could be. I'm not the least bit physically attractive. I am, however, a good teacher and somewhat of a local celebrity (Marcia has probably told you that).

I don't think I have the personality to do to someone what my professor did to me--I'm terribly shy, very withdrawn, and I don't generally let people get too close to me, which I've found is a bit off-putting for those who don't know me that well (like my students.) I don't have the charisma that he has, either. I just don't think, after what has happened, that I could even dream of doing that to a student.

I'm glad you couldn't do what he did to you. I just hope that when the inevitable happens--and someday some student will be attracted to you (if one isn't already)--that you recognize it.

If one isn't already--what a riot! You can't imagine how rotten these little buggers are. I don't know how most of them even got into college. And if one is attracted to me, I certainly haven't noticed it. One person has come to my office all semester, and that's because she wanted to try to talk me in to letter her rewrite her paper!

Oops, that should have been "letting her"--I'm trying to catalogue shop and write at the same time!

If one isn't already--what a riot! You can't imagine how rotten these little buggers are. I don't know how most of them even got into college. And if one is attracted to me, I certainly haven't noticed it. One person has come to my office all semester, and that's because she wanted to try to talk me in to letter her rewrite her paper!

Oh Splendid - a worthy unscrewed conversation going on in here. John makes a good point about being careful with the adoration of your students...sometimes it is difficult to tell the career brown-nosers at first from the smitten, but it comes with time and experience. John, dear, you are far too hard on yourself. You are seeing yourself through the eyes of a man who is attracted to the external and is all visual. Women are not like that...*grin* Alas, I have never met your worthy poet. I was in a l rge group of faculty schmoozing with the Chancellor (who happened to enjoy my company)...but I never actually personally met or talked to him. My loss. for certain!

I'm tired of this "teacher/student romances" topic. Can we go on to something else? This has stirred up the pond of my heart, bringing up silt that had been left on the bottom for some time, and I haven't slept in two nights thinking about it.

Be my guest - something healthy - like what do you like to do when they let you escape from that ivory tower prison???

An Oldie, but still good: Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. However, they decided to party instead. Well, as you might have guessed, they didn't get any studying done. When they went to the test, they decided to tell the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question. "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom." At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued... "For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."

I assume you're talking about school being my ivory tower prison? Well, it does so happen that I have many other interests besides just literature--I really enjoy studying historical costume (I considered going to art school to become a costume designer for the theatre,) I collect paper dolls and Irish porcelain dolls, I like to draw, I like foreign films, I like studying caves (I live in a karst valley, Marcia--I shall have to tell you about it some time,) I cross-stitch and embroider on occasion, I lov to shop, I listen to Irish and Renaissance music, I write lots of letters to my friends and family, I'm on a mission to find a) the best nachos in town and b) the best Irish Cream Latt� in town, I like creating desktop themes for my computer, I do calligraphy...how's that?

That is better than I dared hope. I have known so many narrow visioned intellectuals that I had given up hope that "normal" ones still existed! You are my kind of a lady. Much diverse interest. Want me to open a cave topic in Geo for you? I'd be delighted to do so. I need to attract people into there to see how fun it really is - not all cut and dried and everyone must think it is. Even my best bud, John, does not go there...! He never gave it a chance, I think...! Costume design sounds marvelous.. I think you would be splendid in the theater where all of your creative outlets could be put to use. There is surely a Theater department at SMSU?! Btw, where are you located?

I was looking for a cave topic in Geo, and I was very surprised not to find one. If you open one, I would be most happy to post there. I have considered theatre, and I really wanted to be in a play in high school, but I have always been too shy to try out. I certainly can't write plays (mine was a disaster--a real closet drama,) and theatre people just really aren't my types, so I've never done anything with it. Yes, there is a theatre department at SMSU--John Goodman, Kathleen Turner, and Tess Harper all got their degrees here! I live in Springfield, the third largest city in the state, located in the southwest corner of Missouri. Look me up in the atlas!

I'm on my way!!! Meet ya there!! Yippee!!!

Oh, I forgot to mention that I'm also an Irish dancer, although I stopped taking lessons in May because the teacher and I had a disagreement about tuitions!

Oooh! You have leg muscles that don't quit! My nephew's wife is a long-time Irish dancer, also. Lovely stuff, that! Stirring, too!

ok, i had to rush through the last few posts because i wanted to invite john to invite the poet and get him to post some pieces of his work for us. this way, we can all read his stuff and with our connections, maybe help him out a bit. at least get him some attention in the cyber world (e-zines, e-zines, e-zines!!)

Wolf, he says he's considering e-zines, but he has no problems getting published in good old hard copy, so I don't think he's ready to make the transition yet. I think he's also trying to stay as far away as possible from "academics" and "intellectuals." Although I can invite, I think the reality of the Spring would probably not be good for him. Amy, so you're at Southwest Missouri State. My dad (deceased) got his B.A. in English at SE Missouri State in Cape Girardeau. He did his graduate work at M Gill University in Montreal.

What was your father's field of interest? I have never heard you speak of him.

check your email, john

The Five "Bs" of middle age Baldness, bifocals, bridgework, bunions and bay windows. ********* Getiing old is just a matter of feeling your corns more than your oats ******** You can tell when you hit middle age by the way it hits back. *********** Youth looks ahead, old age looks back, and middle age looks worried. ********* By the time we get to greener pastures we're not able to climb the fence. ******** Of all the things I've ever lost I think I miss my mind the most.

The really idle man gets nowhere. The perpetually busy man does not get much further. - Sir Heneage Ogilvie (thanks for the invite, Marcia! My eyeballs are still in recovery. ;)

Sorry I ever suggested it(the background, that is..!) Welcome to the wilder side of Spring, Nan !B Beware of posting too profound of a lament. I used an event from my past and brought it into the present for purposes of lamenting with Amy...it was read and misinterpreted and caused grief all over the place. Lament as you wish - I shall be a shoulder to cry on, but not one to speak of her past as though it were the present. Sorry for the problems it caused. I am lots older this evening...and, I hope, a lot wiser.

OH, OUCH!!! I'm sorry to hear that. Hope the bruises are better quickly.

Thanks! *hugs* They will be with ladies like you for friends.

I just want to say that NO ONE is going to ruin my good time in the Spring! I'm going to post what I want, when I want, and anyone who doesn't like it can KISS MY IRISH A**!!!! If anyone misunderstands me, tough noogies!

Bless you for your straightforwardness, Amy. Your comments are always welcome here =) (I think I might be a little picky about who gets to kiss any part of me...let alone where I can not watch what else they might be doing ;)

Ohh, Marcia, you're baaaad!

*grin* ...but apparently I am pretty good at it...! Loved your comment, Dear!!! Right on the mark!

Amy I certainly wouldn't want to deny your right to free speech, and although I may misunderstand you from time to time, be assured that it's not out of malice. May I pucker now????

used wrong HTML tag and am now closing it *embarrassed blush*

See, Amy! I told you to be specific! You don't know who is going to show up back there when you are not watching your backside...*lol*

My mama said there's always one snake in the garden!

Your Mama was right...(and a clever one, at that!)

Call 1-800-578-7453. It's the customer service line for Brown & Williamson, the tobacco company. It's unbelievable. Seriously, call it. You'll get a recorded message and it's toll free. You'll be glad you did. **** I passed on to John to call (being chicken) and he emailed me that I should call it - so I did. It is amazing...please try it!

Oh no, I said to the people who might misunderstand me "tough noogies" (my graduate teaching advisor says that.) The only people who can "embrasse mon derri�re" are those who would want to limit my free speech. Everyone got that straight now?

I certainly do (and I know all about tough noogies)!

And I'm terribly disappointed *oh well*

(i know...!) *hugs*

What exactly did you mean by "and I'm terribly disappointed," John?

Until John gets time to answer your burning question...I have also read NZB's Forest House. I'd like to get all of her books, but I really think I am most satisfied re-reading Mists of Avalon...! I keeep trying to make the others into it and am disappointed each time.

I know what you mean--I read "The Lady of Avalon" and it just wasn't the same. I think I tried to read "The Forest House," but I never finished it.

Whatever you do - don't waste your money on the anthology of other authors who write similar-type stories "in honor" of NXB. It is a waste of time to read and hou will resent the money you spent to achieve this book...it's really disappointing. I think I shall stick with re-reading MoA and be happy with that!

"The Mists of Avalon" is kind of like "Hamlet"--no matter how many times you read it, you can always find something new and it's always interesting!

Indeed - and the mark of a truly great book. If you have not yet read Mary Stweart's Crystal Cave, Hollow Hills, and The Last Enchantment....RUN and secure these little gems for your very own...my entire family (my ex and my son included) read my copies...and I re-read them regualrly. It is the Arthurian story from Merlin's viewpoint and superbly done!

Have you read Bernard Cornwell's The Winter King, Enemy of God, and Excalibur? They are quite good--told from the point of view of Derfel Cadarn, one of Arthur's warriors who eventually becomes a saint. Cornwell brings back some of the characters that were taken out of the original Welsh versions of the story by the French.

Oops, sorry! Have you read "Guenevere, Queen of the Summer Country," by Rosalind Miles? It's a really different take on the King Arthur legend.

Have you read Bernard Cornwell's The Winter King, Enemy of God, and Excalibur? They are quite good--told from the point of view of Derfel Cadarn, one of Arthur's warriors who eventually becomes a saint. Cornwell brings back some of the characters that were taken out of the original Welsh versions of the story by the French.

I learnt what Welsh I know translating The Mabinogion and The Welsh Triads which Rachael Bromwich kindly left in the original language. Have not read the books you mention, but I am surely going to look them up!

Holy cow, you translated those?!? How amazing!

I am probably one of the few people in Hawaii with a Welsh Dictionary and Welsh grammar books...Cymric, that is *smile* It was the very thing that set me off on my five year search for the Kelts...!

I have tried to teach myself Irish Gaelic, but it is almost impossible to do on your own. About all I can say is "C�ad M�le F�ilte" and "Pog Mo Tho�n"! The pronounciation is so much different than the spelling! Is Cymric the same way?

It is far worse than Cymric...all they did with that language was to replace the vowels with consonants and to string all the words of description together as though in English we wrote Thechurchofsaintmaryinthewoodsbesideawaterfall. Gaelic, the brother language to brythonic, is far more difficult...at least it appears to be to me...

Discussion of things Arthurian and The Matter of Britain: http://www.spring.net/yapp-bin/restricted/read/books/23/new

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE: One old love she can imagine going back to and one who reminds her how far she has come. Enough money within her control to move out and rent a place on Her own, even if she never wants or needs to. Something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella she's not ashamed to be see carrying. A youth she's content to move beyond. A past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age. The realization that she is actually going to have an old age and money set aside to help fund it. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra. One friend who always makes her laugh and one who lets her cry. A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family. Eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored. A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded. A feeling of control over her destiny. A skin care regime, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don't get better after 30. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW: How to fall in love without losing herself. How she feels about having kids. How to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship. When to try harder and when to walk away. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what she would and wouldn't like to happen next. How to have a good time at a party she'd never choose to attend. How to ask for what she wants in a way that makes it most likely she'll get it. That she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents. That her childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over. What she would and wouldn't do for love or more. How to live alone, even if she doesn't like it. Whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally. Where to go - be it her best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn hidden in the woods - when her soul needs soothing. What she can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, and a year. Why they say life begins at 30.

John sent me the above 2 lists when I was not feeling very good about myself due to "environment" problems which were NOT my fault but was unable to rectify at the time. I did not score very well the first time I read it, but upon rereading it for posting, I have just about everything in line except for one here and there. I cannot imagine a woman who has been in long term relationships having an old lover she could imagine going back to - unless it is totally imaginary. He surely has gotten on with hi life, as surely as she has. But, it is nice to think back...! College is a particularly fertile place for my imagination!

Hey, everybody, I'm back after having gotten rid of my dastardly boring weeekend company! That list, Marcia, was being passed around the GA office a week or so ago, and we had some very funny conversations about not having wine glasses with stems or any, for that matter--we just drink it out of the bottle. (Actually, I have one very beautiful French crystal champagne flute, but that's it as far as stemware goes.) I used to have a black lace bra, too, but it must have been entirely for looks because it was so itchy that I could barely stand it. I think that list actually applies to women who are out of college, because being a student is a whole different ballgame.

You're right about the lacy bra - have one which also itches like crazy. My tools are the only ones we can find around here. OO has a complete set and then some but can never find his so he borrows mine!. As to the stemware...you get stuff like that for wedding and house warming gifts. Besides you can buy clear plastic stemware in most large stationary warehouse outlets and Costco-type and party places. Being a student means making do with what you have. jelly glasses are most servicable *smile* I remember!!!

BTW, Dear, welcome to your quiet hom again. With you occupied and John getting studious again, I was in here talking to myself yesterday. Most despressing!

Alas! Really, I would have preferred you to my company, who seemed more interested in reading my books than talking to me!

How very odd...and more than a little incorrect as to manners and all that. It is just as important to be a gracious guest as it is to be a gracious hostess!

She's very peculiar--I don't even know why she comes to visit, because she almost always ends up disappearing into my room and I find her in there with a book. It's rather odd when I try to engage her in a conversation and she's reading...I think I shall stick to my school friends!

...I tend to agree with you...that is not the sort of person I would go out of my way to entertain. You, on the other hand...*smile* !!!

My mother taught me how to be a good guest--take a gift; clean up after yourself; offer to help with dishes, cooking, etc; don't eat like a pig; be sure to tell your host several times how much you appreciate being invited; always have enough money to pay for dinner, entertainments, etc.--I guess some people just weren't raised right!

Ah...I am not surprised to know that you were raised correctly; your mother loved you enough to spend the time to make you gracious as well as lovely. I am almost afraid it is a lost art! You hit on all the social niceties - and I'll bet your "guest" hit on none of them.

I know...I think common courtesy is a dying art, and some people think it's "affected" and "snobbish"!

...I have has this conversation with other women who think as we do - and common sense went the way of common courtesy. Very uncommon these days! (You did not go the cotillion route, too, did you?!)

No, I wasn't raised in that kind of family...I think we're what Victorians would have called "shabby-genteel"--working class, not by any means wealthy, but with strong morals and very strict ideas about what is proper. You don't have to be rich to have manners.

This is true...you did not miss anything, and most likely gained more self-esteem than knowing a large group of phonies ever could. Your kind of family (not so different from mine, I think) is what made America as good as it once was and no longer is. But that screwed topic is too messed-up for even this topic!

I used to be very worried about what people would think of me because I didn't grow up with much of anything as far as material goods are concerned. I once had a conversation with my Belov�d about people thinking I was white trash, and he said, "I don't think you'll ever have to worry about that, Amy."

He is right. Anyone who write and gracefully as you write and is temperate in all things not involving John (hee hee)is a lady in every meaningful sense of the word. I might not like you as much if you were not!

I knew he was! (Right, that is.)*smile* I just wrote a personal narrative essay for my teaching methods class about "proper ladylike behavior" and how I sabotage myself sometimes--I would email you a copy but it is so long! It's very funny (so I was told,) and my classmates have not stopped teasing me yet!

send it to me as a file...! My ISP can handle it! We all manage to sabotage ourselves from time to time and grasp our heads in our hands and wonder what ever were we thinking...!!!

Okay, I'll work on it--I'm not entirely certain how to do it, but I'll figure out how.

Okey-dokey, I've sent it and I believe that the essay should be attached. It's coming from my school email account, so it won't say "Irishprincess"--it will probably say "amk995s." Let me know as soon as you get it!

...Ihave read it and enjoyed it hugely and emailed you at your regular email about it...Thanks!

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrotethe following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no soulsare leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze. The student received the only "A" given.

Oh my gosh, that is hilarious! Where do you find all of these things, Marcia?

Thanks for inviting me over here, Marcia. Lovely furniture, though the carpet makes me dizzy. ;) I'll be a good guestie -- my mom taught me those same courtesies, Amy, and they've stood me well against the "fish and visitors stink after 3 days" maxim.

Not if you are invited to stay by the hostess, and I invite you to stay here where no troll have yet ventured... At least you do not get angry email from people as regards what they think you meant a dozen or so posts back...!

YAY! Maybe this is what happens to the trolls before they get here?

Oooch! That looks painful... Thanks for posting it here. How timely!

I aim to please! :)

*dig* *oof* dig* (shovelling and throwing and planting and packing) *oof* *pat* There! The troll-eating trees are all planted just waiting for one of the nefarious beings to intrude on our special place. he he he

LOL you sure 'nuf did! I am pleased as pussywillows in spring!

Take that, ya mean old witch!

She did take it smack in the Uff da, didn't she!

I was imagining that it was a particular "mean old witch" that I know!d :-)

Yup - it's her!!! *chortle*

Hope it took the spring out of her step...*wink*

*clicking my tongue at you disapprovingly* Naughty Marcia!

Hey, she is a wicked stepmother - what can I tell you?! Tis not my fault that I am just a kid and she isn't...=P

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy costume company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate". The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part". Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your backside and go as a caramel apple!"

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife that reads: "Dear Wife, I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary." When he arrived at the hotel there was a fax waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I, too, am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Hilton with my handsome and virile 18 year old boytoy. You being an accountant will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

oh drool....

We should all have one issued to us, should we not?! Of our choice, of course! Welcome to Screwed, Dorothy! Aloha!

I have no desire for a boytoy! I want a smart one! Once, a literature professor of mine (you know the one) asked everyone in the class if we were prefer a spouse who was ugly and faithful, or beautiful and unfaithful? Everyone of course said ugly and faithful, except, of course, me. I said, "All I want is a smart man. If he's smart, I don't care what he does." My professor didn't dignify it with a response, but he was dying to.

This was posted "anonymously" in the English Department office of my university: Question 3A: In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question: Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person? Answer: I am a dynamic figure, often scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. I write award-winner operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty mi utes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract ar ist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with dea ly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I knnow the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weav , I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a moulinex and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. B t I have not yet gone to college.

Love that one, Amy. ;)

Great posts, all! Thanks for adding a touch of class to this decidedly low-brow site (that is its purpose, actually!)

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns,unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association, although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so she divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheque on accessories for it.

And? What opinion made it?

It think it is a split personality thing with computers. At times mine is all male, at others, it is the most capricious of females. Yours?

Mine too. At times, it can be everything I hate about both sexes. I suppose I am a computer misanthrope...would that be a miscomprope? *silly laugh*

*giggle* I guess it might just be! I have made love to mine and spat venom at it as well. Depends on the circumstances...

Whenever life get's a little to heavy it always helps to review the words of a great Swami. by Swami Beyondananda 1. Be a Fundamentalist--make sure the Fun always comes before the mental. Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be canceled. A laugh track has been provided, and the reason why we are put in the material world is to get more material. Have a good laughsitive twice a day, and that will ensure regularhilarity. 2. Remember that each of us has been given a special gift, just for entering - so you are already a winner! 3. The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision. That is where I tell a vision to you, and you tell a vision to me. That way, if we don't like the programming we're getting, we can simply change the channel. 4. Life is like photography. You use the negative to develop. 5. It is true. As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought particles tend to get caught between the ears, causing a condition called truth decay. So be sure to use mental floss twice a day. And when you're tempted to practice tantrum yoga, remember what we teach in Swami's Absurdiveness Training class: *Don't get even, get odd.* 6. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you, you no mad at me. That way, there'll surely be nomadness on the planet. And peace begins with each of us. A little peace here, a little peace there, pretty soon all the peaces will fit together to make one big peace everywhere. 7. I know great earth changes have been predicted for the future, so if you're looking to avoid earthquakes, my advice is simple. When you find a fault, just don't dwell on it. 8. There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet train the world, and we'll never have to change it again. 9. If you're looking to find the key to the Universe, I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is: there is no key to the Universe. The good news is: it has been left unlocked. 10. Finally, everything I have told you is channeled. That way, if you don't like it, it's not my fault. And remember, enlightenment is not a bureaucracy. So we don't have to go through channels.

From a San Diego Father who has identified 35 truths he learned from his children: 1. There is no such thing as childproofing your house. 2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3. A 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42- pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a Superman cape. 5. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20' room. 6. Baseballs make marks on ceilings. 7. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up several times before you get a hit. 8. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. 9. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long ways. 10. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 11. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh- oh", it is already too late. 12. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke----------lots of it. 13. A 6 year-old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 60-year old man says it can only be done in the movies. 14. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. 15. If you use a waterbed as a home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak. It explodes. 16. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. ft house almost 4 inches deep. 17. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old. 18. Duplos will not. 19. Play-Doh and microwave ovens should never be used in the same sentence. 20. Super Glue is forever. 21. MacGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. 22. So can Tarzan. 23. No matter how much Jell-O you put in the pool, you still can't walk on water. 24. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 25. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do. 26. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 27. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 28. You probably don't want to know what that odor is. 29. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. 30. Plastic toys do not like ovens. 31. The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5-minute response. 32. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 33. It will, however, make cats dizzy. 34. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 35. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life. (....unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)

Oh my gosh, that is hilarious! I'm cracking up as I'm typing this! Whoever wrote it must live with my brother!

...or most assuredly had children of his own!!! It is amazing the little scapers survive!!! Or their parents, for that matter =)

*ROTFL*

I thought it was hilarious...house gorilla did not think it was funny. Oh well.

This is the transcript of an Actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations. 10-10-95... a.. Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid collision. b.. Canadians: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. c.. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. d.. Canadians: No. I repeat, divert YOUR course. e.. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT IS ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. f.. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Ha!! that's a golden oldie and I love it every time I read it!

Me too - I put it on just in case anyone had missed it. Talk about arrogance and the last word...even if it is apocryphal.

HAPPY HALLOWE'EN - SAMHAIN The latest Dumb Blonde story: Once upon a time there was a blonde with long hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheepherder over. "That's a nice flock of sheep.", she said. "Well thank you.", said the herder. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.", said the woman. "Okay.", replied the herder. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?", asked the woman. "Sure.", said the sheepherder. So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382". "Wow.", said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Upon watching this, the herder approached the woman and offered, "Okay,now I have a proposition for you". "What is it?", queried the woman. "If I can guess the real color of your hair... can I have my dog back?"

Remember when: You were born a daughter. You looked up to your mother. You looked up to your father. You looked up to everyone. You wanted to be a princess. You wanted to own a horse. You wanted your brother to be a horse. You wanted to wear pink. You never wanted to wear pink. You wanted to be a veterinarian. You wanted to be president. You wanted to be the president's veterinarian. You were picked last for the team. You were the best one on the team. You refused to be on the team. You wanted to do well in algebra. You hid during algebra. You wanted boys to notice you. You were afraid the boys would notice you. You started to get acne. You started to get breasts. You started to get acne that was bigger than your breasts. You wouldn't wear a bra. You couldn't wait to wear a bra. You couldn't fit into a bra. You didn't like the way you looked. You didn't like the way your parents looked. You didn't want to grow up. You had your first best friend. You had your first date. You spent hours on the telephone. You got kissed. You got to kiss back. You didn't go to the prom. You went to the prom with the wrong person. You spent hours on the telephone. You fell in love. You fell in love. You fell in love. You lost your best friend. You lost your other best friend. You really fell in love. You became a steady girlfriend. You became a significant other You became significant to yourself. Sooner or later, you start to take yourself seriously. You know when you need a break. You know when you need a rest. You know what to get worked up about, and what to get rid of. You know when it's time to take care of yourself, when it's time to do something that makes you stronger, faster & more confident. Because you know it's never too late to live life and never too late to change one. "Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble." Send this to 5 phenomenal women today in celebration of Women's History Month. "Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget."

Actual answers given by contestants in the game show Family Feud: Name something a blind person might use - A sword (Zatoichi, maybe?) Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers - A horse Name something that floats in the bath - Water Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair Something you do before going to bed - Sleep Something you put on walls - Roofs Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters Something associated with the police - Pigs A sign of the zodiac - April Something slippery - A conman Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog A food that can be brown or white - Potato Something with a hole in it - Window A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate

It Happened One Day In Eden... "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve; in that case, I have a solution." "I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man,' Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly." "He'll basically give you a hard time." "He'll be bigger, faster, and more muscular than you." "He'll be really good at fighting, kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants." "But, he'll be pretty good in the sack." "I can put up with that," says Eve with an ironically raised eyebrow. "Yeah well, he's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick." "But, there is one condition." "What's that Lord?" "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

The Top 14 Biblical Ways to Get a Wife 1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13) 2. Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3) 3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. - Moses (Exodus 2:16-21) 4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10) 5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25) 6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. [Note: this will cost you.- Adam] (Gen 2:19-24) 7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30) 8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife - David (I Samuel 18:27) 9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis 4:16-17) 10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4) 11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14:1-) 12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). - David (2 Samuel 11) 13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth) 14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

The only easy one is 9, wandering around. I'll skip the foreskins, that's for overacheivers.

And they say finding a spouse is difficult these days!

Wandering around seems to be the only practical one up there. Think I'd skip the rest as well. The remainder seems little like a Crap-shoot...I like better odds than that. Thanks for posting it, Nan!

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto maker for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"

Figgers, in Texas, until recently, it was legal to drive while drinking a beer.

You were allowed an open container in the vehicle? Not in Hawaii. You'll be arrensted and charged so quickly your head'll spin! (Glad they tightened up on that since some very special people navigate Texas roads...*smile*)

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians. 1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year 2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely. 3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993. 5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. 7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful. 8. The patient refused an autopsy. 9. The patient has no past history of suicides. 10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. 11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up. 15. She is numb from her toes down. 16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. 17. The skin was moist and dry. 18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. 19. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. 21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. 22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. 27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present. 28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor. 29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. 30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Oooh, Nan! These are really funny!!! Thanks for posting them. Semantics...I wonder if the same things happen in other languages!

*LOL* That's great! Thanks for posting it, Nan!

It sounds like a good idea! YOU KNOW YOU ARE GETTING OLDER WHEN..... 1. You and your teeth don't sleep together. 2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any. 3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal. 4. Your back goes out but you stay home. 5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture. 6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch. (Love this one!) 7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio. 8. When happy hour is a nap. 9. When you're on vacation and your ENERGY runs out before your money does. 10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it. 11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age. 12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there. 13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up. 14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired. 15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer. 16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr. 17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. 18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend. 19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot. 20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals. 21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good. 22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work. 23. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there. 24. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good. 25. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore. 26. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. 27. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

Dear Santa: I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply. I want to slap Martha Stewart. Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it. OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego. We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart Living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave." The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either." Well, lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa! That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker? In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher, that qualifies as "put away" in my house! Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue. She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s," and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha: "Get new friends." Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation. Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt). The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge. A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast. This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off. If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right? When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back. "Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha. And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives. There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year. You probably want to smack her yourself.

Two men were boasting to each other about their old Army days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click." "Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle." "What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other off hand, "just our medals." --------------------------------------------------------- "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews: (P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION (P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement (S) Almost replaced left inside main tire (P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough (S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft (P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid (S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage (P) Something loose in cockpit (S) Something tightened in cockpit (P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear (S) Evidence removed (P) DME volume unbelievably loud (S) Volume set to more believable level (P) Dead bugs on windshield (S) Live bugs on order (P) Autopilot in Altitude Hold Mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent (S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground (P) IFF (Identification Friend or Foe) inoperative (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick (S) That's what they're there for (P) Number three engine missing (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search (P) Aircraft handles funny (aughing. Saddam doesn't get it - what the hell is going on here? But he hasn't been harmed yet, so he sits down again to talk further. After a few minutes Clinton presses the final button. This time, Saddam stays sitting, but Clinton isn't: He's is rolling on the floor, doubled up in laughter. Saddam is really annoyed by now, so he stands up from his chair and shouts: "I've had enough of this, I'm going back to Baghdad!" (Through tears of laughter from the floor) - "Baghdad? .....what Baghdad?" --------------------------------------------------------- A private is on duty in the motor pool when the phone rings: "Soldier, can you tell me what equipment is available for use immediately?" The voice on the other end asked. "Well, sir, we have two tanks, a half dozen half-tracks, two armored personnel carriers, a couple of motorcycles, and fat-ass Johnson's command jeep." "Soldier? Do you know who you are speaking to?" "No sir." "This is Major Johnson, your commander!" "Uh Sir? Do you know who you are speaking to?" "Not yet!" "That's good! Bye, Fat-Ass!" --------------------------------------------------------- The young Ensign approached the crusty old Chief and asked him about the origin of the commissioned office insignias. "Well, Ensign, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a Lieutenant Junior Grade represents value, but less malleable. When you make Lieutenant, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars. As a Captain, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As an Admiral, you're obviously a star. That answer your question?" "Yeah, but what about Commanders and Lieutenant Commanders?" "Now that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves . . . " --------------------------------------------------------- Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother." "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!" "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could." --------------------------------------------------------- A couple of A-10's are escorting a C-130 Hercules and their pilots were chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk fell on the subject of relative merits of their respective aircraft with the fighter pilots holding their planes were better because of their maneuverability, weaponry and the like. The C-130 pilot replied "Yeah? Well I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about." Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate. "Just watch," he tells them. The C-130 continues to fly straight and level, and after several minutes the Herk pilot returns to the air and says, "There! How was that?" Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots say, "What are you talking about? What did you do?" He replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went back an took a piss." --------------------------------------------------------- Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: Sure, buddy. Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Soldier: Do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: No, SIR! --------------------------------------------------------- In the Ozarks, there was a mountaineer that was reputed to have the best hunting dog ever, by the name of Co-pilot. Three city folks went up in the mountains and wanted to rent him. "Good huntin dog, gonna cost ya $50.00 a day." They agreed, and three days later came back with the limit. The next year they came back. "Co-pilot got better, gonna cost ya $75.00 a day." Again they agreed, and 2 days later came back with the limit. The third year they came back and told the mountaineer they had to have Co-pilot, even if it cost $100.00 a day. "You can have the worthless mutt for $5.00 a day, and I'm overcharging you $4.00." "But we don't understand, what happened to him?" "Well, a crew from that there air base in Okaloosa County Florida come up and rented him. One of them idiots called him pilot, and he's been sitting on his ass barkin ever since." --------------------------------------------------------- Q. How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party? A: He'll tell you. Q. What's the difference between God and fighter pilots? A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot. Q. What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine? A: A jet engine stops whining when the planes shuts down. --------------------------------------------------------- Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks. The first Marine said, "Those are deer tracks." The second Marine said, "No, those are elk tracks." The third Marine said "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks." The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them. --------------------------------------------------------- A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves-the barbers were reaching for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that shit on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like. --------------------------------------------------------- A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex. "1956," was his immediate reply. "No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Honey, you need to get out more." "I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch. "It's only 2014 now." --------------------------------------------------------- "Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave." "Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I'm never going to stand in line again!" --------------------------------------------------------- HAPPY VETERANS DAY!!! Keep up the great work everyone, and be careful out there. ---------------------------------------------------------

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine." Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I AM KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS." Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows." They no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteen- wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend." Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting. First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!" *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

ollowing were actual answers to a 6th grade history test: 1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?" 3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada. 4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. 5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth. 6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. 7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. 8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. 9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. 10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus." 11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them. 12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. 13. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense. 14. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. 15. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. 16. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah." 17. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. 18. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroicouplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet. 19. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. 20. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. 21. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. 22. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. 23. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. 24. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. 25. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. 26. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees. 27. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large. 28. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. 29. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children. 30. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. 31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

dont need the bold letters anymore, thank you!

USEFUL PHRASES: 1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 3. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 4. No, my powers can only be used for good. 5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care. 6. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication. 7. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 8. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again... 11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 12. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 13. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 14. How about never? Is never good for you? 15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 16. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 17. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... 18. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 19. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. 20. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 21. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

The Top Things Overheard at Medieval Medical School "Don't bite it! You need to swallow it alive for it to work!" "They should translate these obscure medical terms into something easy, like Latin." "It may seem like pointless superstition to you youngsters, but I haven't washed these hands since my first delivery 37 years ago." "What do you mean we're out of wild boar snout?!?" "Headache? Take two spotted salamanders and call me in the morning." "Arthur, Schmarthur. What kind of insurance dost thou have?" "Goodwoman Thurmond, to you a son is born. 'Strom' shall he be called." "Now, remove the speculum from the fire and insert it thusly..." "No, no, push that yellow stuff back in. That's pus from the *good* fairy!" "Good knight, thy speed at treating boils is unsurpassed in all the kingdom! Thou shalt be called 'Sir Lance-a-lot'." "Come now Hypoglycies, how can too much sugar possibly be bad for you?" "Gesundheit! Now be sure to wipe that off his liver."

Many many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a daughter Who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife. To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy, I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother. Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mom And it surely makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, She is my grandma too. If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!

A dog owner in Dallas had a pit bull that hated to walk. He kept sitting down and bracing his feet so that his owner would have to drag him by his leash. The owner finally gave up when he realized that he was creating a . . . bottomless pit! I have a dog that talks in its sleep but one day a visitor was astonished to hear the dog bellow "My name is Christopher Columbus! I am seven hundred years old! I own America! I married Marilyn Monroe!" When the visitor asked what was going on, I replied,... "Don't worry about it. . . . just let sleeping dogs lie." In the early 1700s, the captain of a Spanish pirate ship was very proud of his mongrel pet for its ability to bark once for "Si," and twice for "No." After being captured by a British commander, the dog was taught the same trick in English. He thereby became . . . the world's first "Si" and "Aye" dog! One time my father accompanied me when I took my dog out for his evening constitutional. My dog is rather finicky about where he "does it." I wondered aloud about the criterion he uses to select a spot. My father replied, ... "it's a process of elimination!"

Hey, when did you change the wallpaper? Have I been away that long?

It was done a few days ago. This was the first choice but I had to pick the really weird one through which no one could read and it was put up instead. This is much better. Originally, it had a beautiful blue sky with puffy white clouds...

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH He went into his father's business He lived at home until he was 33 He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and His Mother was sure he was God THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH He never got married He was always telling stories He loved green pastures THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN His first name was Jesus He was bilingual He was always being harassed by the authorities THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN He talked with his hands He had wine with every meal He worked in the building trades THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK He liked Gospel He called everybody "brother" He couldn't get a fair trial THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN He never cut his hair He walked around barefoot He started a new religion THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN He had to feed a crowd, at a moments notice, when there was no food He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it. Even when He was dead He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do.

We had the meanest mother in the whole world! While other kids ate candy for breakfast, we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast. When others had a Pepsi and a Twinkie for lunch, we had to eat sandwiches. And you can guess our mother fixed us a dinner that was different from what other kids had, too. Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all times. You'd think we were convicts in a prison. She had to know who our friends were, and what we were doing with them. She insisted that if we said we would be gone for an hour, we would be gone for an hour or less. We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve to break the Child Labor Laws by making us work. We had to wash the dishes, make the beds, learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, and all sorts of cruel jobs. I think she would lie awake at night thinking of more things for us to do. She always insisted on us telling the truth the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. By the time we were teenagers, she could read our minds. Then, life was really tough! Mother wouldn't let our friends just honk the horn when they drove up. They had to come up to the door so she could meet them. While everyone else could date when they were 12 or 13, we had to wait until we were 16. Because of our mother we missed out on lots of things other kids experienced. None of us have ever been caught shoplifting, vandalizing other's property, or ever arrested for any crime. It was all her fault. Now that we have left home, we are all God-fearing, educated, honest adults. We are doing our best to be mean parents just like Mom was. I think that's what's wrong with the world today. It just doesn't have enough mean moms anymore.

I am sending this to my son (the meanest mom story)...he will say it applies to me very well. Excellent. Motherhood is not a popularity contest...and you have to love them enough to take the extra effort to teach them the right way. It is so much easier and less painful than correcting errors once they are made.

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN Compliment her, respect her, honor her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, hold her, go to the ends of the Earth for her. HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN Show up naked. Bring food.

GUY DEFINITIONS "I'M GOING FISHING" Translated:* I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." "IT'S A GUY THING" Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical". "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?" "UH HUH", "SURE, HONEY", OR "YES, DEAR" Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Translated:* "I have no idea how it works." "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU* IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Translated:* "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra." "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD". Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Translated:* "Are you still talking?" "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES". Translated:* "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." "OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt." "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING". Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon." "I CAN'T FIND IT." Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Translated:* "What did you catch me at?" "I HEARD YOU." Translated:* "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." Translated:* "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse." "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Translated:* "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving." "I'M NOT LOST.* I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."

One day an expert in time management was speaking to a group of business students and, to drive home a point, he used an illustration those students will never forget. As he stood in front of the group of high-powered overachievers he said, "Okay, time for a quiz." Then he pulled out a one-gallon, wide-mouthed Mason jar and set it on the table in front of him. Then he produced about a dozen fist-sized rocks and carefully placed them, one at a time, into the jar. When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit inside, he asked, "Is this jar full?" Everyone in the class said, "Yes." Then he said, "Really?" He reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of gravel. Then he dumped some gravel in and shook the jar causing pieces of gravel to work themselves down into the space between the big rocks. Then he asked the group once more, "Is the jar full?" By this time the class was on to him. "Probably not," one of them answered. "Good!" he replied. He reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand. He started dumping the sand in the jar and it went into all of the spaces left between the rocks and the gravel. Once more he asked the question, "Is this jar full?" "No!" the class shouted. Once again he said, "Good." Then he grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it in until the jar was filled to the brim. Then he looked at the class and asked, "What is the point of this illustration?" One eager beaver raised his hand and said, "The point is, no matter how full your schedule is, if you try really hard you can always fit some more things in it." "No," the speaker replied, "that's not the point. The truth this illustration teaches us is: If you don't put the big rocks in first, you'll never get them in at all." What are the 'big rocks' in your life? Your significant other. Your children... Your health... Your loved ones... Your job... A worthy cause... Teaching or mentoring others.... Doing things that you love... Time for yourself... Your dreams... Remember to put these BIG ROCKS in first or you'll never get them in at all. This example equally illustrates how if you sweat the little stuff (the gravel, the sand) then you'll fill your life with little things that don't really matter, and you'll never have the time you need to spend on the important stuff (the big rocks). So, tonight, or in the morning, when you are reflecting on this short story, ask yourself: "What are the 'big rocks' in my life?" Then, put them ALL in your jar first.

NEW HOLIDAY First MCI and Sprint, now ~ Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticky points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this. A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful."

A Programmer's Christmas 'Twas the night before implementation and all through the house, Not a program was working not even a browse. The programmers hung by their tubes in despair, with hopes that a miracle would soon be there. The users were nestled all sung in their beds, while visions of inquiries danced in their heads. When out in the machine room there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter. And what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a super programmer (with a six-pack of beer). His resume glowed with experience so rare, he turned out great code with a bit-pusher's flair. More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, and he cursed and muttered and called them by name: On update! on add! on inquiry! on delete! on batch jobs! on closing! on functions complete! His eyes were glazed-over, fingers nimble and lean, from weekends and nights in front of a screen. A wink of his eye, and a twitch of his head, soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, turning specs into code; then turned with a jerk; And laying his finger upon the "ENTER" key, the systems came up and worked perfectly. The updates updated; the deletes, they deleted; the inquiries inquired, and closings completed. He tested each whistle, and tested each bell, with nary an abend, and all had gone well. The system was finished, the tests were concluded. The users' last changes were even included. And the user exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt, "It's just what I asked for, but not what I want!"

A selection of carols for your dysfunctional friends: SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and . . . PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming to Get Me. PERSONALITY DISORDERS: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why. DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All Is Flat, All Is Lonely. PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away). BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire. OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle

LOL! too funny Marcia! :-)

If this is anything like Happy99 you will hate yourself for opening it. I hand-picked the files out of my system files just to get rid of it - TWICE!!! Warning: On December 31, 1999, you may receive an email called, "Happy New Year"... Do not open it, it contains a deadly virus...it will erase windows from your computer along with many other program files. Please pass this message along to your friends as soon as you can... This is not a hoax.... This was reported on CNN on Tuesday the 2nd November 1999!

What if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men? They would have asked directions Arrived on time Helped deliver the baby Cleaned the stable Made a casserole, and Brought practical gifts! Thanks, Esbee!

Seasons Greetings (after the lawyers are done) Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . . . . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2000, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee. (By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.) -=+=-

EMERGENCY CAMPING TIPS Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match. Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants. A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes. The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills. While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle. Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience. You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass. You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese. The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians. When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on. Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone. A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup. A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck. In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear. The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling. The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle. It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home. Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears. When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant. In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate. -=+=-

22 Signs That You Have Had Too Much of the '90s 1. You tried to enter your password on the microwave. 2. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted." 3. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years. 4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 5. You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?" 6. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site. 7. You chat twice daily with a stranger from Perth, but haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year. 8. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page. 9. Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play. 10. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains echinacea. 11. You check your blow dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant. 12. Your grandma e-mails you asking for a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. 13. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. 14. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen. 15. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid. 16. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you. 17. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. 18. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 19. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow. 20. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet. 21. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. 22. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

MORE BUMPER SNICKERS - thank you, John! Everyone has a photographic memory. Not everyone has film. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it, Done it, Can't remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. I feel like I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe. He's not dumb, he's electroencephalographically challenged. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June flower. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be Misquoted, and used against you. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Atheism is a nonprophet organization. On the other hand, you have different fingers. All generalizations are false. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart... He who laughs last thinks slowest. It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once. I get enough exercise pushing my luck Sometimes I wake up grumpy+ADs- other times I just let him sleep Sorry, I don't date outside my species Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges. I took an IQ test and it came back negative. OK, who stopped payment on my reality check. I don't suffer from insanity -- I enjoy every moment of it. According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist. Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. Always remember that you are unique, just like everyone else. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

The Three Trees Once there were three trees on a hill in the woods. They were discussing their hopes and dreams when the first tree said, "Someday I hope to be a treasure chest. I could be filled with gold, silver and precious gems. I could be decorated with intricate carving and everyone would see the beauty. "Then the second tree said, "Someday I will be a mighty ship. I will take kings and queens across the waters and sail to the corners of the world. Everyone will feel safe in me because of the strength of my hull." Finally the third tree said, "I want to grow to be the tallest and straightest tree in the forest. People will see me on top of the hill and look up to my branches, and think of the heavens and God and how close to them I am reaching. I will be the greatest tree of all time and people will always remember me." After a few years of praying that their dreams would come true, a group of woodsmen came upon the trees. When one came to the first tree he said, "This looks like a strong tree, I think I should be able to sell the wood to a carpenter" ... and he began cutting it down. The tree was happy, because he knew that the carpenter would make him into a treasure chest. At the second tree a woodsman said, "This looks like a strong tree, I should be able to sell it to the shipyard." The second tree was happy because he knew he was on his way to becoming a mighty ship. When the woodsmen came upon the third tree, the tree was frightened because he knew that if they cut him down his dreams would not come true. One of the woodsmen said, "I don't need anything special from my tree so I'll take this one," and he cut it down. When the first tree arrived at the carpenters, he was made into a feed box for animals. He was then placed in a barn and filled with hay. This was not at all what he had prayed for. The second tree was cut and made into a small fishing boat. His dreams of being a mighty ship and carrying kings had come to an end. The third tree was cut into large pieces and left alone in the dark. The years went by, and the trees forgot about their dreams. Then one day, a man and woman came to the barn. She gave birth and they placed the baby in the hay in the feed box that was made from the first tree. The man wished that he could have made a crib for the baby, but this manger would have to do. The tree could feel the importance of this event and knew that it had held the greatest treasure of all time. Years later, a group of men got in the fishing boat made from the second tree. One of them was tired and went to sleep. While they were out on the water, a great storm arose and the tree didn't think it was strong enough to keep the men safe. The men woke the sleeping man, and he stood and said, "Peace" and the storm stopped. At this time, the tree knew that it had carried the King of Kings in its boat. Finally, someone came and got the third tree. It was carried through the streets as the people mocked the man who was carrying it. When they came to a stop, the man was nailed to the tree and raised in the air to die at the top of a hill. When Sunday came, the tree came to realize that it was strong enough to stand at the top of the hill and be as close to God as was possible, because Jesus had been crucified on it. The moral of this story is that when things don't seem to be going your way, always know that God has a plan for you. If you place your trust in Him, He will give you great gifts. Each of the trees got what they wanted, just not in the way they had imagined. We don't always know what God's plans are for us. We just know that His ways are not our ways, but His ways are always best.

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHO TO MARRY? "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10 "No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10 WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? "Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10 HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? "Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, age 6 "You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? "Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? "Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." Lynnette, age 8 "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10 WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? "I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9 WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE? "When they're rich." Pam, age 7 "The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7 "The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8 IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? "It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, age 9 "Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." Kirsten, age 10 HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? "There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8 HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? "If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes, especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it." Lori, age 8

* Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar * December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards. December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3 Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pinecones, fashion cat-o-nine tails. Flog gardener. December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. December 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself. December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. December 7 Debug Windows '98. December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. December 11 Lay Faberge egg. December 12 Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. December 13 Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts. December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house. December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall. December 17 Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire. December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive touch to the pasture. December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices, and cinnamon sticks. December 22 Float votive candles in toilet. December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas. December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are. December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri. December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phyllum. December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God. December 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

Billionaire Martha can just about do what she wants since her IPO.

This is true, but it does not make me like her one iota more than I do right now, and that is about zilch. No jealousy - I just cannot stand to be around pushy women...

A snail can sleep for three years. All polar bears are left handed. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class. Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age. Butterflies taste with their feet. Cats urine glows under a black light. China has more English speakers than the United States. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear any pants. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. Humans and monkeys are the only species that have sex for pleasure. I am. is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck. If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (knowledge IS power) If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you will have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (but not in this case) In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. Marilyn Monroe had six toes. (or was that twelve) Michael Jordan gets more money from Nike annually than ALL of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. No word in the English language rhymes with month. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death. One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the 1930's lobbied against hemp farmers-they saw it as competition. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'. Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (wow!!..."here kittykitty..!!! :) Starfish haven't got brains. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. The electric chair was invented by a dentist. (WHY does this not surprise me??) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. The most common name in the world is Mohammed. (I thought it was Ching) The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with. The name Wendy was made up for the book 'Peter Pan'. The Pentagon in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as necessary. When it was built in the 1940's, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites. (I thought it was because the military is full of sh*t!) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left. (To the mental defective who had the time on his or her hands to compile this stupid list, there is a word for that. It's called a "pallindrome.")

Automobile Acronyms AUDI Accelerates Under Demonic Influence Always Unsafe Designs Implemented BMW Beautiful Mechanical Wonder Big Money Works Bought My WifeBrutal Money Waster BUICK Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer CHEVROLET Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time DODGE Darn Old Dirty Gas EaterDrips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere FIAT Failure in Italian Automotive Technology Fix It All the TimeFix It Again, Tony! FORD First On Recall DayFirst On Rust and DeteriorationFix Or Repair Daily Found On Road, Dead Fault Of Research & Development Fast Only Rolling Downhill Features O.J. & Ron`s DNAbackwards; Driver Returns On Foot GM General MaintenanceGMCGarage Man`s CompanionGot A Mechanic Coming? HONDA Had One, Never Did Again Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else HYUNDAI Hope You Understand Nothing`s Driveable And Inexpensive MAZDA Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along OLDSMOBILE Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday. Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick`s Irregular Leftover Equipment SAAB Send Another Automobile BackSwedish Automobiles Always Breakdown. TOYOTA Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto VOLVO Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object VW Virtually Worthless *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

30 Signs You Are No Longer A Kid...... 1.) You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. 2.) Your back goes out more than you do. 3.) You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 4.) You buy a compass for the dash of your car. 5.) You are proud of your lawn mower. 6.) Your best friend is dating someone half their age ..... and isn't breaking any laws. 7.) Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. 8.) You sing along with the elevator music. 9.) You would rather go to work than stay home sick. 10.) You constantly talk about the price of gasoline. 11.) You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. 12.) You consider coffee one of the most important things in life. 13.) You make an appointment to see the dentist. 14.) You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 15.) Neighbors borrow your tools. 16.) People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?" 17.) You have a dream about prunes. 18.) You answer a question with, "because I said so!" 19.) You send money to PBS. 20.) The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants. 21.) You take a metal detector to the beach. 22.) You wear black socks with sandals. 23.) You know what the word "equity" means. 24.) You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television. 25.) Your ears are hairier than your head. 26.) You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn. 27.) You get into a heated argument about pension plans. 28.) You got cable for the weather channel. (My uncle calls the Weather Channel "Old Folks MTV.") 29.) You can go bowling without drinking. 30.) You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year's incoming freshmen. Here is 1999's list: 1. The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980. 2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and didn't know he had ever been shot. 3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. 4. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression. 5. There has been only one Pope. They can only really remember one President. 6. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War. 7. They haven't ever feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a pill to them, not a movie. 8. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. 9. Tianamen Square means nothing to them. 10. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. 11. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. 12. Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums. 13. The expressions "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them. 14. They have never owned a record player. 15. They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong. 16. Star Wars looks very fake to them, and the special effects are pathetic. 17. There have always been red M & M's and blue ones are not new. There used to be beige M & M's? 18. They may have heard of an 8 track tape player, but probably have never actually seen or heard one. 19. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were one year old. 20. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents. 21. They have always had an answering machine. 22. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they ever seen a black and white TV. 23. They have always had cable. 24. They have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is. 25. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. 26. They were born the year that the Walkman was introduced by Sony. 27. Roller-skating has always meant inline skating for them. 28. The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno. 29. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool. 30. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. 31. They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a football player. 32. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. 33. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII, or even the Civil War. 34. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran. 35. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. 36. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. 37. They have never hear: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, de plane". 38. They do not care who shot J.R., and have no idea who J.R. is. 39. The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was. 40. Michael Jackson has always been white. 41. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers. 42. There has always been MTV. Do you feel old yet?

That creaking and groaning noise you hear is coming from this antedeluvian reader. Thanks Nan - scary though, indeed!

This thoughtful post comes courtesy of Wolfie who forwarded it to me: Some new billboards are popping up all along major highways all over the country depicting some things God might say. The billboards are a simple black background with white text with no fine print or sponsoring organization listed. Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. -God C'mon over and bring the kids. -God What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand? -God We need to talk. -God Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -God Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. -God That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it. -God I love you and you and you and you and... -God Will the road you're on get you to my place? -God Follow me. -God Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. -God My way is the highway. -God Need directions? -God You think it's hot here? -God Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. -God Do you have any idea where you're going? -God (And my personal favorite...) Don't make me come down there. -God

"The Ant and the Grasshopper" CLASSIC VERSION The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold. MODERN VERSION The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Then a representative of the NAAGB (National Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with "green bias", and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green." Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the "Temperatures of the 80's." Dick Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act", retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3pm when there are no talk shows scheduled. The ant loses the case. The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of Democrats announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in America.

Politically Corrct NFL Football The National Football League recently announced a new era. From now on, no offensive team names will be permitted. While the owners of the team rush to change uniforms and such, the National Football League announced, yesterday, its name changes and schedules for the '99 season: The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall People on opening day. Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the St. Louis Wild Endangered Species, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers. In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the showdown between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans Pretty Good People. The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the Phoenix Male Finches. The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden. The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free Booters later in Week 9. And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Large Mountain Mammals. Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New England Zealous Lovers of Country.

How about the Minnesota Raping and Pillaging Nordic folks?

I like your description of what the verb to go Viking really means. They just said the Plundering Norsemen. It involved more personal contact than plunder.

> > Enclosed with this memo is a "Y2K Backup System" device designed > > to meet short time emergency needs in case of a computer > > operations failure, or operational delay.� This device is the > > company's Primary Emergency Network Computer Interface Liaison > > device (P.E.N.C.I.L.). This device has been field tested > > extensively, including certification testing, as well as volume > > and stress testing.� Properly maintained, the device meets all > > the requirements for coding and data input. Prior to use, the > > P.E.N.C.I.L., will require preparation and testing. Tools > > and supplies required will be: A sharpened knife or grinding > > device; and a supply of computer paper (with or without holes). > > > > Gripping the device firmly in your hand, proceed to scrape or > > grind the wooded end until it has a cone-like appearance.� The > > dark core area must be exposed to properly function. (Left-handed > > employees should read this sentence backwards, and then go to > > your supervisor for assistance.) > > > > Place a single sheet of computer paper on a smooth, hard surface. > > Take the backup device, place the sharpened point against the > > paper, and pull it across the paper.� If properly done, this will > > input a single line. > > > > �CAUTION: Excessive force may damage components of the device or > > damage the data reception device.� If either the P.E.N.C.I.L. or > > the paper are damaged, go back to the preparation instructions > > above. > > > > Proper use of the device will require data simulation input by > > the operator. Placing the device against the computer page > > forming symbols as closely resembling the computer lettering > > system you normally use. At the completion of each of the > > simulated letters, lift the device off the page, move it slightly > > to the right, replace it against the page, and form the next > > symbol. This may appear tedious, and somewhat redundant, but, > > with practice, you should be able to increase your speed and > > accuracy. > > > > The P.E.N.C.I.L. is equipped with a manual deletion device.� The > > device is located on the reverse end of the P.E.N.C.I.L. Error > > deletions operate similarly to the "backspace" key on your > > computer. Simply place the device against the erroneous data, and > > pull it backwards over the letters.� This should remove the > > error, and enable you to resume data entries. > > > > �CAUTION: Excessive force may damage the data reception device. > > Insufficient force, however, may result in less than acceptable > > deletion, and may require re-initialization of action as above. > > This device is designed with user maintenance in mind.� However, > > if technical support is required, you can still call your local > > computer desk supervisor at (800)-YOU-DUMMY. > >

R.I.G.H.T.

Hmmm Another acronym. Shall we know for which it stands? Ot what it stands for or whatever it means. This way too curious mind wants to know.

STUPID CRIMINAL STORIES --------------- * Two thieves did a smash-and-grab robbery of a display window at a cellular telephone store in Winston-Salem, NC. The next morning, the store manager noticed the damage when he opened for business and filed a report with the police. When investigators asked for the estimated value of the phones the manager said, "About $10. They were dummy models made out of solid plastic." * Three teenagers who grabbed a package from a woman's car in Des Moines, Iowa recently were in for an unpleasant surprise. The package contained droppings from the woman's dog. The victim said she had been walking her Cairn terrier and had used the bag to pick up after him. She said when she finished, she wrapped the 4-by-5-inch package and set it down on her car trunk. That's when the three teenagers rushed by. One grabbed the bundle and yelled, "Thank you." The victim said she looked up, saw the trio racing away, and replied, "You're welcome." She told police, "I just wish I could have seen their faces when they opened it up." * A Columbus, Ohio police officer who was instructing bank employees on what to do during a robbery was interrupted by a bank robbery. The suspect entered the bank and handed a teller a note demanding cash. He had somehow missed the uniformed police officer standing at a nearby teller window. The officer interrupted his class and tackled the robber after a short foot chase. * In a recent interview in the Los Angeles Times, "The Newlywed Game" host Bob Eubanks recalled one of his most memorable moments on the show. Eubanks asked one female contestant to remember something her husband had told her not the talk about. "She said her husband and her cousin were going to kill her uncle for the insurance money," Eubanks said. "I was even more shocked when her husband came back and matched her answer." Police officers were waiting for the husband after the show finished taping. * A New Jersey state employee resigned recently after being arrested for driving while intoxicated. He lost his job as the director of the New Jersey Division of Alcoholic Beverage Control. * A Mexican man arrived at an airport in Oakland, California carrying a faked American ID. What he apparently didn't know was that the man he was impersonating was a fugitive wanted on burglary and concealed weapons charges. * A man in Little Rock, Arkansas started a fire that destroyed a mobile home and injured the home's owner. The blaze started when the man used a cigarette lighter to look inside a gasoline can to determine if there was water inside. Our only hope is that this individual has not contributed to the human gene pool.

Maybe I have posted this before but it still applies: 11 RULES OF REAL LIFE Charles Sykes is the author of DUMBING DOWN OUR KIDS. He recently gave high school and college graduates a list of eleven things they did not learn in school. In his book, he talks about how feel-good, politically correct teaching has created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and set them up for failure in the real world. You may want to share this list with kids and parents you know... Rule #1: Life is not fair; get used to it. Rule #2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself. Rule #3: You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone until you earn both. Rule #4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure. Rule #5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity. Rule #6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes. Learn from them. Rule #7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes, and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room. Rule #8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers but life has not. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades; they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This, of course, doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life. Rule #9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off. And very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time. Rule #10: Television is NOT real life. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. Rule #11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

From John Burnett "If you take a dog in and feed it, it will remain loyal to you and never turn on you. This is the principle difference between a man and a dog" - Mark Twain A couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.' The woman wrote 'When two people love each other very much, like Bob and I, it is morally acceptapble for them to engage in sex.' And Bob wrote 'I love sex.' A man generally has two reasons for doing a thing. One that sounds good, and a real one. A man is like a fine wine. He starts out raw as grapes and it's a woman's job to stomp on him and keep him in the dark until he matures into something she'd like to have dinner with. A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. - Gloria Steinem After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "I was a fool when I married you." she replied "yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no point in two people remembering the same thing... Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher... and that is a good thing for any man. - Socrates By the time you swear you're his, Shivering and sighing, And he vows his passion is Infinite, undying, Lady make note of this: One of you is lying. - Dorothy Parker Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. Don't be sexist. Broads hate that. (Sinatra???) Don't bother getting married - just find a woman you hate and buy her a house. First, God created man. Then he had a better idea. Grow your own Dope. Plant a man. I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures. I haven't found Mr Right, but I have found Mr Cheap, Mr Sleazy and Mr Wrong. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. - Marie Corelli It begins when you sink into his arms and ends with your arms in the sink. Make love, not war - hell, do both, get married! Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished... Marriage is much like communism, it works best in theory. Men have feelings too (but who really cares) My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.' My wife told me I should be more affectionate, so I got two girlfriends. Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again. Never appeal to a man's 'better nature.' He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage. - Lazarus Long Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy. - Henry Kissinger Some say a computer is a woman, if you do something wrong, they'll remember every bit of it. Some say a computer is a man, if you had just waited one more week, you could have gotten a better model for less. Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. - Katharine Hepburn

SHORTEST BOOKS EVER WRITTEN 23. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O J Simpson 22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT 21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA 20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman 19. THE WILD YEARS by Al Gore 18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN 17. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS 16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS 15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE 14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB 13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES 12. EASY UNIX 11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE 10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN 9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN 8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY 7. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES 6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER by Art Garfunkel 5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE 4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA 3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS 2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY And the Number one World's Shortest book.... 1. THE BOOK OF VIRTUES by Bill Clinton

*ROTFLMAO! Goes great with the morning coffee...! (*snickering mischeivously)

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk. 2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson. 3. Follow the three R's: Respect for self Respect for others and Responsibility for all your actions. 4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck. 5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly. 6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship. 7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it. 8. Spend some time alone. 9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values. 10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. 11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time. 12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life. Do all you can to create a tranquil, harmonious home. 13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past. 14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality. 15. Be gentle with the earth. 16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before. 17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other. 18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it. 19. Call your mother. 20. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Childrens Books that Didn't Make the Cut 1. You Are Different and That's Bad 2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables 3. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book 4. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking 5. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence 6. The Little Sissy Who Snitched 7. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way 8. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School 9. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

You Might Be A Rural Texas Peace Officer if... If your hat, belt and boots cost more than your sidearm. If you know what a 'court gun' is. If you have a 'court gun'. If directions to a location involve livestock, property descriptions, or the words "When you get off the pavement." If the winner of the last three bar room brawls was last year's Homecoming Queen. Dressing up for court involves pressed Wranglers and a Brushpopper shirt. If anyone on the Department is named 'Bubba'. If you don't know Bubba's real name. If Bubba is his real name. If you've ever gotten a confession from a critter by threatening him with either his Mama or God. If your interview for the job involved the question: "Can you take a whuppin'?" If you have more weapons and ammunition in your cruiser than most small nations have in their armies. If you've ever had an 'Officer Involved Shooting' where the victim was a feral hog or other four-pawed critter with an appetite. If the calibre of your sidearm is regarded as an artillery round in Europe. You've ever had to mediate a dispute concerning the paternity of a litter of puppies. If you have the impression that the Feds regard your department as being marginally more civilized than the Viking Hordes. If you think all back-up is 30 miles away and asleep in bed. If you've ever gone to an emergency wearing only your hat, pajamas, gun and boots. If spurs are a department-issued item.

Last week I went to a seminar called STRESS AND DISEASE, by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in Psychobiology. He gave an example of a coping skill for job stress that I would like to share with you. When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this: On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that "every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested." Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company."

Survival kit for everyday living. Items Needed: Toothpick Rubber Band Band Aid Pencil Eraser Chewing Gum Mint Candy Kiss Tea Bag Why??? TOOTHPICK - to remind you to pick out the good qualities in others. RUBBER BAND - to remind you to be flexible, things might not always go the way you want, but it will work out. BAND AID - to remind you to heal hurt feelings, yours or someone else's. PENCIL - to remind you to list your blessings everyday. ERASER - To remind you that everyone makes mistakes, and its OK. CHEWING GUM - to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything. MINT - to remind you that you are worth a mint. CANDY KISS - to remind you that everyone needs a kiss or a hug everyday. TEA BAG - to remind you to relax daily and reflect on all the positive things in your life. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, share a word of praise and they always open their hearts to us. Show your friends how much you care.

Send Page Last updated: Friday - 21:53 01/21/2000, EST Incompetent People Rarely Know They Are WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The truly incompetent may never know the depths of their own incompetence, a pair of social psychologists say. ``We found again and again that people who perform poorly relative to their peers tended to think that they did rather well,'' Justin Kruger, co-author of a study on the subject, said in a telephone interview Thursday. Kruger and co-author David Dunning found that when it came to a variety of skills logical reasoning, grammar, even sense of humor people who essentially were inept never realized it, while those who had some ability were more self-critical. It had little to do with innate modesty, Kruger said, but rather with a central paradox: Incompetents lack the basic skills to evaluate their performance realistically. Once they get those skills, they know where they stand, even if that is at the bottom. Americans and Western Europeans especially had an unrealistically sunny assessment of their own capabilities, Dunning said by telephone in a separate interview, while Japanese and Koreans tended to give a reasonable assessment of their performance. In certain areas, such as athletic performance, that can be easily quantified, there is less self-delusion, the researchers said. IGNORANCE IS BLISS But even in some cases in which the failure should seem obvious, the perpetrator is blithely unaware of the problem, This was especially true in the area of logical reasoning, where research subjects students at Cornell University, where the two researchers were based often rated themselves highly even when they flubbed all questions in a reasoning test. Later, when the students were instructed in logical reasoning, they scored better on a test but rated themselves lower, having learned what constituted competence in this area. Grammar was another area in which where objective knowledge was helpful in determining competence, but the more subjective area of humor posed different challenges, the researchers said. Participants were asked to rate how funny certain jokes were, and compare their responses with what an expert panel of comedians thought. On average, participants overestimated their sense of humor by about 16 percentage points. This might be thought of as the ``above-average effect'' the notion that most Americans would rate themselves as above average, a statistical impossibility. The researchers also conducted pilot studies of doctors and gun enthusiasts. The doctors overestimated how well they had performed on a test of medical diagnoses and the gun fanciers thought they knew more than they actually did about gun safety. So who should be trusted: The person who admits incompetence or the one who shows confidence? Neither, according to Dunning. ``You can't take them at their word. You've got to take a look at performance,'' Dunning added.

Top Ten Things Men Know About Women 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.

*LOL*

Dear Lord, So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self indulgent. I have not whined, bitched, cursed, or eaten any chocolate. I have not charged on my credit card. However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot more help after that. Amen.

(*snickering)

(*smirking*) That is my feeling at 6am on this Sunday morning...

Some real ads found in the classifieds: FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG ----------------------------------- FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG. ---------------------------------- 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer ---------------------------------- AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED. ---------------------------------- SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. ---------------------------------- FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG ---------------------------------- 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15 ---------------------------------- TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800 ---------------------------------- COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE. ---------------------------------- 83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000 ---------------------------------- SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents ---------------------------------- GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. ---------------------------------- FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL. ---------------------------------- FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME. ---------------------------------- NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED *************** CALL CHUBBIE *************** ---------------------------------- BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS" ---------------------------------- SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS ---------------------------------- FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD. ---------------------------------- HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" ---------------------------------- GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER. ---------------------------------- HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB ---------------------------------- NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED ---------------------------------- FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT. ---------------------------------- AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100 ---------------------------------- TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR. ---------------------------------- EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175. ---------------------------------- OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER. ---------------------------------- JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300. ---------------------------------- LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY. ----------------------------------- ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER ---------------------------------- GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb. ---------------------------------- GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL. ---------------------------------- FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.

From John: PROVERBS FOR THE NEXT MILLENNIUM 1) Home is where you hang your @. 2) The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. 3) A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. 4) You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. 5) Great groups from little icons grow. 6) Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. 7) In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories. 8) Oh, what a tangled web site we weave when first we practice. 9) Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish. 10) The modem is the message. 11) Too many clicks spoil the browse. 12) The geek shall inherit the earth. 13) There's no place like http://www.home.com. 14) Don't byte off more than you can view. 15) Fax is stranger than fiction. 16) What boots up must come down. 17) Windows will never cease. 18) Virtual reality is its own reward. 19) Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

THE MONTH AFTER CHRISTMAS 'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse. The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste All the holiday parties had gone to my waist. When I got on the scales there arose such a number! When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber). I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared, The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please." As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt-- I said to myself, as I only can "You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!" So, away with the last of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip Every last bit of food that I like must be banished 'Till all the additional ounces have vanished. I won't have a cookie, not even a lick. I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick. I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry. I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore--- But isn't that what January is for? Unable to giggle, no longer a riot. Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Won't post the missing ones unless they are asked for...*grin*

OK. There will be a short window where you can do this. The new site was moved from the old site at midnight, roughly, on Feb 1 2000.

MISSING? Whooooo's missing? ;-)

You know its going to be a bad day ahead when... You wake up face down on the pavement. You put your bra on backwards and it fits better. You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any. You turn on the news and they are showing escape routes out of the city. Your twin sister forgot your birthday. You wake up to realize your waterbed broke and then discover you don't have a waterbed. Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose. You call your answering service and they tell you it's non of your business. Your blind date turns out to be your ex. Your income tax check bounces. You put both contacts in one eye.

Not to worry, Terry, I have just about everything active during those crucial days (outside of Drool) copied to file on my hard drive. Man...talk about bad ways to start the day. Sheesh!

This is from an anonymous female system user: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help please!!!! Jane ******* Dear Jane: This is a very common problem women complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0 , because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0 In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support". You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3 I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME" Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8. TECH TIP! void excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip! Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixesBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6. A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shut down of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!" Norma

Heh-heh...I think I'll hold on to my Boyfriend 5.0, for a while. The conversion to Husband 1.0 doesn't fit in to my finances, right now! :)

Plus there's the possible incompatabilities with your current systems config...

LOL, Alexander, it's good to see ya, again! Where have you been keeping yourself?

Things You Will Never Hear A Woman Say: 1. I'll sacrifice my career goals and dreams to stay home and cook for you. 2. Biologically my body is built to serve you and nothing else. 3. Oral sex is my favorite hobby. 4. During my bad week, I'll get you a hooker. 5. Does this make my butt look too small? 6. PMS is just a myth. 7. That guy has great breasts. Things You Will Never Hear A Man Say: 1. I'll sacrifice my career goals and dreams to stay home and cook for you. 2. Sure she has a great body, but how's her personality? 3. Beer leaves a bad taste in my mouth. 4. When Bambi's mother was shot I cried. 5. Forget the game, Oprah's on! 6. It's your decision. 7. I care.

You could always upgrade boyfriend 5.0 to 5.1 Annette.

Or even the 2000 edition of Boyfriend 6.0

Did you hear about the poor man who drowned in a bowl of muesli? He got pulled under by a strong currant, althugh the police have not ruled out a cereal killer.

*Groan* Thanks, maggie *giggle*

Subject: Changing a light bulb in cyberspace How many people does it take to change a light bulb in cyberspace?... 1 to successfully change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. 53 to flame the spell checkers. 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list. 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames. 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb. 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped. 111 to defend the posting to this list, saying that, "We are all using light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list." 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brands of light bulb work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty. 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs. 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and to post corrected URLs. 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list, which makes light bulbs relevant to this list. 33 to collate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too." 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy. 19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three." 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ. 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup. 47 to say that this is just what this list was meant for, leave it here. 143 votes for a new list alt.lite.bulb. 38 votes proclaiming the advantages in using vintage light bulbs.

I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and he saw a note on his mirror that said, "Call 911!" But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who worked on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolled around. And it's a little known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages. His program prevented a global disaster in which all the computers would get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true-I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.) The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital-the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck; but if you send it to only 10 people, you will only have OK luck; and if you send it to less than 10 people, you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green m&ms, but if you don't the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck, your wife will develop breast cancer from using the antiperspirant which clogged the pores under her arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your emails forever. -John Quist offers this "gentle summary of this year's e-mail junk and fraud..." tftd attempted to change the tense of some verbs to update it for 2000. tftd truly apologizes for the fact that the ten pages of addressing that normally accompanies these type notes are missing.

from John Computers in the future may weigh no more than 15 tons." --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949. "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957 "But what ... is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip. "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union, internal memo, 1876. "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s. "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.) Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --Harry M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927. "I'm glad it's going to be Clark Gable stumbling around on screen and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind." "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting her company, Mrs. Fields' Cookies. "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895. "If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." --Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives on 3-M "Post-It" Notepads. "So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you; you haven't got through college yet.'" --Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer. "Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." --1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work. "You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." --Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus. "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859. "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929. "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre. "Everything that can be invented has been invented." --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899. "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". --a Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872 "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". --Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria, 1873. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." --Bill Gates, 1981 ______________________________________________________

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER the actual AP headline Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. ----------- -------------- ------------ I forwarded this to John Burnett and he replied with the following: This is a true story (no relation, thank God). And guess what old Linda's natural hair color is??? The story is over a year old so it's really no longer news, but it is a blonde joke. You can see where they changed the Burnett to Linda from the original news story (something that people would generally do only with women, called in linguistics terms "feminine diminuition." But I saw the actual AP newswire copy when it happened.

thus spake John and thus I close my tags

Modern Aphorisms (@phorisms?) 1. Home is where you hang your @ 2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.. 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.. 4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.. 5. Great groups from little icons grow.. 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.. 7. C:\ is the root of all directories.. 8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.. 9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.. 10. The modem is the message.. 11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.. 12. The geek shall inherit the earth.. 13. A chat has nine lives.. 14. Don't byte off more than you can view.. 15. Fax is stranger than fiction.. 16. What boots up must come down.. 17. Windows will never cease.. 18. Virtual reality is its own reward.. 19. Modulation in all things.. 20. A user and his leisure time are soon parted. 21. There's no place like http://www.home.com 22. Know what to expect before you connect.. 23. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice... 24. Speed thrills.. 25. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Web and he won't bother you for weeks..

Without comment from John: I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost. Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click. "Great," he thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one's even better because it locks ..."

[Annette, I'm on and off, as I got loads of real-life issues... Especially the VERY real issue 1/2000 of the mag, that we work on right now. Why don't you stroll over to all the other topics, there's always something happening, too - though admittedly things ARE slow at this time...]

Aloha, Alexander! It's ok if you use my screwed topic for a message board for other ladies. I don't care that you did not say hello....*sniff*

A few words from the visionary Steven Wright ------------------------------------------ All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. OK, so what's the speed of dark? Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case.....coincidence? When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism -- to steal from many is research. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. A fool and his money are soon partying. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back. Half the people you know are below average. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

This is probably a good place for this little news item: Vain Venezuelans Also Lead Sex Happiness Survey NEW YORK (Reuters) - It turns out that Venezuelans, who topped a survey last year as the vainest people in the world, are also happiest by far about their sex lives. A Roper Starch Worldwide survey released Thursday found that 46 percent of Venezuelans were ``very happy'' with their sex lives followed by Brazilians at 32 percent and U.S. residents at 27 percent. People in Hong Kong, which was surveyed separately from the rest of China, were the least satisfied with their sex lives only five percent said they were ``very happy.'' Russia followed at six percent, then China at nine percent and Germany, Italy and Malaysia all tied at 14 percent.

Hmmmmm...it must be something to do with the altitude...? ;-)

...or the attitude?!

Happy Valentine's Day, all you lovers of great poetry: Straight from L.A. (Lower Alabama) Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway. Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can. You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms. Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can. Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed. Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt. When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack. Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'. despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'. Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way. Some men git roses on that special day from the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say. Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth. "Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth. But for this man, honey, these won't do. Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you. I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than diamonds... IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!! Luv, from yor romeo

A counsellor tried to help a wife understand her marriage problems. "I want you to think why it was that you woke up grumpy this morning" he said "But I didn't", the wife protested. "I let him sleep"

*rim shot* Yesssss!!!

Fits nicely with other themes going at the moment diesn't it!

Indeed! Anything goes here, but that especially goes here!

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze our one more drop of juice would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000 and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, a martial artist or what?" The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

From John Burnett: Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out. AVERAGE: Not too bright. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date. ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily. ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated. CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law. UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement. QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors. TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited. TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors. INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors. STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk. TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut. APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job. A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused. NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college. EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together. SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life. CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared. METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker. DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice. JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky. MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob. KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes. STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn. GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward. SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid. OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time. IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else. ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip. REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed. HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way. ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do. HAPPY: Paid too much. WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork. COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps. CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the ass. WILL GO FAR: Relative of management. SHOULD GO FAR: Please. USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher. VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work. USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything. DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.

THINGS YOU' D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T! 1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? 2. Do I look like a people person? 3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 5. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 6. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 7. You!... Off my planet! 8. Does your train of thought have a caboose? 9. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? 10. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 11. A PBS mind in an MTV world. 12. Allow me to introduce my selves. 13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 14. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 15. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. 16. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage. 17. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. 18. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 19. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 20. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 21. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1? 22. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 23. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 24. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. 25. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 26. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks

1. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? 2. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? 3. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? 4. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? 5. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? 6. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing? 7. Why do "tug" boats push their barges? 8. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there? 9. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting? 10. Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"? 11. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected? 12. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites? 13. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things? 14. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds? 15. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it? 16. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 17. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 18. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead? 19. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? 20. How come abbreviated is such a long word? 21. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? 22. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 23. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the call, closes his door and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes, "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..." He returns her gaze, "Anything?" "Anything." His voice softens, "Anything" "Anything," she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"

Troubles The carpenter I hired to help me restore an old farmhouse had just finished a rough first day on the job. A flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric saw quit and now his ancient pickup truck refused to start. While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss. Afterward, he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier. "Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing for sure, troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home. Then in the morning I pick them up again." Funny thing is," he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before". -------TFTD-L@TAMU.EDU

Do-it-yourself Country & Western Song Kit I met her __________ _____; I can still recall _________ (1) (2) (3) 1. 2. 3. on the highway in September that purple dress in Sheboygan at McDonald's that little hat outside Fresno ridin' shotgun that burlap bra at a truck stop wrestlin' gators those training pants on probation all hunched over the stolen goods in a jail cell poppin' uppers that plastic nose in a nightmare sort of pregnant the Stassin pin incognito with joggers the neon sign in the Stone Age stoned on oatmeal that creepy smile in a treehouse with Merv Griffin the hearing aid dead all over the boxer shorts she wore; She was ______ _____, (4) (5) 4. 5 sobbin' at the toll booth in the twilight drinkin' Dr. Pepper but I loved her weighted down with Twinkies by the off-ramp breakin' out with acne near Poughkeepsie crawlin' through the prairie with her cobra smellin' kind of funny when she shot me crashin' through the guardrail on her elbows chewin' on a hangnail with Led-Zeppelin talkin' in Swahili with Miss Piggy drownin' in the quicksand with a wetback slurpin' up linguini in her muu-muu and I knew _______; _______ (6) (7) 6. 7. no guy would ever love her more I promised her I knew deep down she'd bought her dentures in a store She asked me if that she would be a crashing bore I told her shrink I'd never rate her more than "4" The judge declared they'd hate her guts in Baltimore My Pooh Bear said it was a raven, nothing more I shrieked in pain we really lost the last World War The painters knew I'd have to scrape her off the floor A Klingon said what strong deodorants were for My hamster thought that she was rotten to the core The blood test showed that I would upchuck on the floor Her rabbi said I'd ______ forever; She said to me ____; (8) (9) 8. 9. stay with her our love would never die warp her mind there was no other guy swear off booze man wasn't meant to fly that Nixon didn't lie punch her out her basset hound was shy live off her that Rolaids made her high have my rash she'd have a swiss on rye stay a dwarf she loved my one blue eye hate her dog her brother's name was Hy pick my nose she liked "Spy vs. Spy" play "Go Fish" that birthdays made her cry salivate she couldn't stand my tie But who'd have thought she'd _____ ___________; (10) (11) 10. 11. run off with my best friend wind up in my Edsel boogie on a surfboard yodel on "The Gong Show" sky dive with her dentist turn green on her "Workmate" freak out with a robot blast off make it at her health club black out in her Maytag bobsled with her guru grovel while in labor _________ goodbye. (12) 12. You'd think at least that she'd have said I never had the chance to say She told her dumb friend Grace to say I now can kiss my credit cards I guess I was too smashed to say I watched her melt away and sobbed She fell beneath the wheels and cried She sent a hired thug to say She freaked out on the lawn and screamed I pushed her off the bridge and waved But that's the way that pygmies say She sealed me in the vault and smirked.

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts,"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must be an engineer" says the balloonist. "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone." The man below says, "You must be in upper management." "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well,"says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Top Ten signs you're at a Redneck Church 10. The Preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" -- and five guys stand up. 9. First day of deer season is an official church holiday. 8. Prayers regarding the weather are a standard part of every worship service. 7. The church directory doesn't have last names. 6. There's no such thing as a "secret" sin. 5. The only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is during the summer -- and only so their neighbors won't leave them a bag of squash. 4. There is a special fund-raiser for a new septic tank. 3. Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable. 2. People wonder if Jesus fed the 5,000 with two bass or two catfish. ...and the number one sign you're at a redneck church... The final words of the benediction: "Y'all come back now, ya hear?"

Top Ten marketing mistakes 1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea." 2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux." 3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick." 4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read. 5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine. 6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa). 7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese. 8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate." 9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth." 10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant

21 REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN The bandage was wound around the wound. The farm was used to produce produce. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse We must polish the Polish furniture. He could lead if he would get the lead out. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. I did not object to the object. The insurance was invalid for the invalid. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. They were too close to the door to close it. The buck does funny things when the does are present. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. After a number of injections my jaw got number. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Surgeon Chat Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

The Transistor The transistor was invented on Christmas Day, 1948, by Emily Gerund, a high school teacher of English from Boston, Massachusetts, who was serving a 20 years-to-life sentence in the state penitentiary for throwing her husband's coat under a speeding truck. The judge was rather severe with her because her husband was still in the coat at the time. The Governor of the state owned an electronics firm and so was able to provide surplus vacuum tubes to the prisoners so that they could decorate their Christmas trees. Now Emily had an extremely tiny tree, much too small for a string of SV6s or even for a single QL4. But she just happened to find some germanium crystals lying around. She stuck three wires in each one and used them to decorate her tree. She was quite surprised when after she completed the tree, it started picking up the Jack Benny Show. The Governor, upon learning about this and realizing its implications, immediately rushed to the prison and offered the English teacher a full pardon in exchange for the manufacturing rights to her invention. "Of course, Governor," she replied. ... "In this case, I'll be glad to let you end a sentence with a proposition." Received from the Groaners list. *************** In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.

HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM: 1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO 2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK 3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY 4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON 5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES 6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in CALIFORNIA 7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY 8. One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE 9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS

Annette said I should post this and I would still remain a lady. Let's see: THREE CORPORATE LESSONS Lesson Number One: =============== A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: ------------------- To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson Number Two: =============== A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,"but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: ------------------- Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. Lesson Number Three: ================ A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him! The morals of this story: ------------------------ 1 ) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy. 2 ) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. 3 ) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut

I think that rates with the postbox story!

See, Marcia? Everyone learns a few lessons, and, you're still a lady! LOL!

Mahalo*thank you*Mahalo*thank you* Ten reasons your candidate for president is underqualified: 10. Thinks "Upholding the Constitution" means a daily dose of Metamucil. 9. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii. 8. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing." 7. His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy." 6. Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares. 5. Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?" 4. At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?!?" 3. Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all. 2. Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!" 1. On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a LIFELINE.

What a I want in a man (at age 21) 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially Successful 4. A Caring Listener 5. Witty 6. In Good Shape 7. Dresses with Style 8. Appreciates the Finer Things in life 9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises 10. An Imaginative and Romantic Lover ---------------------- What I. Want In A. Man, Revised List ... (at age 42) 1. Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant 4. Listens more than he talks 5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times 6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease 7. Owns at least one tie 8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal 9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries 10. Seeks romance at least once a week ---------------------- What I. Want In A. Man, Revised List ... (at age 52) 1. Not too ugly -- bald head OK 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car 3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion 4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking 5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach 8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down 10. Shaves on most weekends ---------------------- What I. Want In A. Man, Revised List ... (at age 62) 1. Keeps nose and ear hair trimmed to appropriate length 2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public 3. Doesn't borrow money too often 4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emotional 5. Doesn't retell same joke too many times 6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends 7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear 8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner 9. Remembers your name 10. Shaves on weekends ---------------------- What I. Want In A. Man, Revised List ... (at age 72) 1. Doesn't scare small children 2. Remembers where bathroom is 3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep 4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep) 5. Doesn't forget why he's laughing to often 6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself 7. Usually wears some clothes 8. Likes soft foods 9. Remembers where he left his teeth 10. Remembers when... ---------------------- What I. Want In A. Man, Revised List ... (at age 82) 1. Breathing ________________

*LOL, still a lady.....!

Goodness knows, I try...*grin*

*LOL, maybe this should keep things calm......;) Thoughts on... PEACE Do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is because we are different that each of us is special. Do not set your goals by what other people deem important. Only you know what is best for you. Do not take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them as you would your life, for without them, life is meaningless. Do not let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past nor for the future. By living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life. Do not give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying. It is a fragile thread that binds us to each other. Do not be afraid to encounter risks. It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave. Do not shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find. The quickest way to receive love is to give love; The fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly. Do not dismiss your dreams. To be without dreams is to be without hope; To be without hope is to be without purpose. Do not run through life so fast that you forget not only where you have been, but also where you are going. Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way.

Oooh, Thank you, Lady Cloud-dweller. I can think of some people I need to forward this to - they are always sending things like this to me.

* The Bill Gates Diner Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time. Patron: No, it's still there. Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead. Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using? Patron: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up? Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup? Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup? Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day? Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day? Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour. Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now? Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato. Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now. [Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.] Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check. Patron: This is potato soup. Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet. Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything. [Waiter leaves.] Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup! The check: Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00 Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50 Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00

LOL, remind me NOT to dine there...!

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it. If you haven't much education you must use your brain. Never mess up an apology with an excuse. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together. Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie" while looking for a bigger stick. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Love the practical twist to this one. Keeps the saccharine from gagging the honey bees. Thanks, dear!

THE BASIC RULES OF "SHOTGUN" OR THE ETIQUETTE OF RESERVING THE FRONT PASSENGER SEAT Section I The Basic Rules 1. In order to call Shotgun, the caller must pronounce the word "Shotgun" in a clear voice. This call must be heard and acknowledged by the driver. The other occupants of the vehicle need not hear the call as long as the driver verifies the call. 2. Shotgun may only be called if all occupants of the vehicle are outside and on the way to said vehicle. 3. Early calls are strictly prohibited. Shotgun may only be called while walking toward the vehicle and only applies to the drive immediately forthcoming. Shotgun can never be called while inside a vehicle or still technically on the way to the first location. For example, one can not get out of a vehicle and call Shotgun for the return journey. 4. The driver has final say in all ties and disputes. The driver has the right to suspend or remove all shotgun privileges from one or more persons. Section II Special Cases These special exceptions to the rules above should be considered in the order presented; the case listed first will take precedence over any of the cases beneath it, when applicable. 1. In the instance that the normal driver of a vehicle is drunk or otherwise unable to perform their duties as driver, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun. 2. If the instance that the person who actually owns the vehicle is not driving, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline. 3. In the instance that the driver's spouse, lover, partner, or hired prostitute for the evening is going to accompany the group, he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline. 4. In the instance that one of the passengers may become so ill during the course of the journey that the other occupants feel he/she will toss their cookies, then the ill person should be given Shotgun to make appropriate use of the window. 5. In the instance that only one person knows how to get to a given location and this person is not the driver, then as the designated navigator for the group they automatically get Shotgun, unless they decline. 6. In the instance that one of the occupants is too wide or tall to fit comfortably in the back seat, then the driver may show mercy and award Shotgun to the genetic misfit. Alternatively, the driver and other passengers may continually taunt the poor fellow as they make a three-hour trip with him crammed in the back. Section III *The Survival of the Fittest Rules * 1. If the driver so wishes, he/she may institute the Survival of the Fittest Rules on the process of calling Shotgun. In this case all rules, excepting I-4, are suspended and the passenger seat is occupied by whoever can take it by force. 2. The driver must announce the institution of the Survival of the Fittest Rules with reasonable warning to all passengers. This clause reduces the amount of blood lost by passengers and the damage done to the vehicle. Please follow the above rules to the best of your ability. If there are any arguments or exceptions not covered in these rules, please refer to rule I-4.

WHEN GOD MADE MOMS By the time the Lord made mothers, he was into his sixth day of working overtime.� An Angel appeared and said "Why are you spending so much time on this one?"� And the Lord answered and said, "have you seen the spec sheet on her?� She has to be completely washable, but not all plastic, have 200 movable parts, all replaceable, run on black coffee and leftovers, have a lap that can hold three children at one time and that disappears when she stands up, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart, and have six pairs of hands."� The Angel was astounded at the requirements for this one.� "Six pairs of hands!� "No Way!", said the Angel.� The Lord replied, "Oh, it's not the hands that are the problem.� It's the three pairs of eyes that mothers must have!"� "And that's just on the standard model?", the Angel asked.� The Lord nodded in agreement, "Yep, one pair of eyes are to see through the closed door as she asks her children what they are doing, even though she already knows.� Another pair in the back of her head are to see what she needs to know even though no one thinks she can.� And the third pair are here in the front of her head.� They are for looking at an errant child and saying that she understnads and loves him or her without even saying a single word."� The Angel tried to stop the Lord.� "This is too much work for one day.� Wait until tomorrow to finish."� "But I can't!", the Lord protested, "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart.� She already heals herself when she is sick AND can feed a family of six on a pound of hamburger and can get a nine year old to stand in the shower!"� The Angel moved closer and touched the woman.� "But you have made her so soft, Lord."� "She is soft", the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough.� You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."� "Will she be able to think?", asked the Angel.� The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason, and negotiate."� The Angel then noticed something and reached out and touched the woman's cheek.� "Oops, it looks like you have a leak with this model.� I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."� "That's not a leak", the Lord objected, "That's a tear!"� "What's the tear for?", the Angel asked.� The Lord said, "The tear is her way�of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her disappointment, her pain, her lonleliness, her grief, and her pride." The Angel was impressed.� "You are a genius, Lord.� You thought of everything.� WOMEN are truly amazing!"� Pass this to all amazing women that you know.�

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married: Merry Christmas to you and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering that I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies. Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she? Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more money because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom. Merry Christmas. Love, Mom

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods: * On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping. * On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. * On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. * Some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. * On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head. * On Tesco's Tiramisu desert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.) * On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. * On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: Do not iron clothes on body. * On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. * On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning: May cause drowsiness. * On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children. * On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. * On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. * On Sainsbury's Peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. * On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. * On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

THE RULES: 1. The FEMALE always makes the Rules. 2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification. 3. No MALE can possibly know all the Rules. 4. If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows all the Rules she must immediately change some or all of the Rules. 5. The FEMALE is NEVER wrong. 6. If however the FEMALE is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding, which was as a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong. 7. If Rule 6 above applies, the MALE must apologise IMMEDIATELY for causing the misunderstanding. 8. The FEMALE may change her mind at any time with or without notice. 9. The MALE must NEVER change his mind without the express written consent of the FEMALE. 10. The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time. 11. The MALE must remain calm at all times, unless the FEMALE WANTS him to be angry or upset. 12. The FEMALE must under no circumstances let the MALE know whether or not see wants him to be angry or upset. 13. The MALE is expected to read her mind at all times. 14. The MALE who does not abide by the Rules or can not take the heat, lacks backbone and is a wimp. 15. Any attempt to document the Rules could result in bodily harm. 16. If the FEMALE has PMT, all the Rules are null and void. 17. The FEMALE is ready when she is ready. 18. The Male must be ready at all times.

I do not subscribe to the above rules. The scary thought is that some women do.

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

Some things are just funny due to the fact that one sex can't figure the other out, true...it just gives us all a good laugh about it. I, too, though, know women who are serious about stuff like that, and, well, what miserable lives they lead!

Amen and *Hugs* Annette!

Attn: IRS Enclosed is my 1999 tax return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat. Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a 1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch phillips head screw.) It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. Sincerely, A satisfied taxpayer

Anagrams --------------- Dormitory = Dirty Room Desperation = A. Rope Ends It The Morse Code = Here come Dots Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em Animosity = Is No Amity Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's Alec Guinness = Genuine Class Semolina = Is it No Meal The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one Contradiction = Accord not in it Astronomer = Moon Starer Princess Diana = End Is A Car Spin Year Two Thousand = A Year To Shut Down

A hobo came up to the front door of the neat looking farmhouse and knocked gently on the door. When the owner answered, the hobo asked, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days." The owner said, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I never give anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal." So the hobo went around back and a little later he again knocked on the door. The owner said, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in." The hobo said, "Thank you very much, sir. But there is something that I think you should know. It's not a Porch, it's a BMW."

AAAArrrrrrggggghh!! LOL! Oh, my...!!! :)

Understanding Your Paycheck: Gross pay: $1222.02 Income Tax Outgo Tax State Tax Interstate Tax 244.40 45.21 61.10 5.89 County Tax City Tax Rural Tax Back Tax 6.11 12.22 4.44 1.11 Front Tax Side Tax Up Tax Down Tax 1.16 1.61 2.22 1.11 Tic-Tacs Thumbtacks Carpet Tacks Stadium Tax 1.98 3.93 0.98 0.69 Flat Tax Surtax Ma'am Tax Parking Fee 8.32 3.46 2.60 5.00 No Parking Fee F.i.c.a. T.g.i.f. Life Ins. 10.00 81.88 9.95 5.85 Health Ins. Disability Ability Liability Ins. 16.23 2.50 0.25 3.41 Dental Ins. Mental Ins. Reassurance. Coffee 4.50 4.33 0.11 6.85 Coffee Cups Calendar Floor Rental Chair Rental 66.51 3.06 16.85 4.32 Desk Rental Union Dues Union Don'ts Cash Advances 4.32 5.85 3.77 0.69 Cash Retreats Overtime Undertime Eastern Time 121.35 1.26 54.83 9.00 Central Time Mountain Time Pacific Time GMT 8.00 7.00 6.00 24.00 Bathroom Time Time Out Oxygen Water 4.44 12.21 10.02 16.54 Electricity Heat Air Conditioning 38.23 51.42 46.83 Misc 144.38 Take Home Pay: $0000.02 (this is where the expression "just my 2 cents" came from)

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man,' Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your ah, physical needs. He'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly. "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?" "Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first...So, just remember... it's our secret...Woman-to-woman!"

You know you're drinking too much coffee when ... you answer the door before people knock. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. you ski uphill. you grind your coffee beans in your mouth. you haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. you lick your coffeepot clean. your eyes stay open when you sneeze. you chew on other people's fingernails. your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend." you can type 60 words per minute ... with your feet. you can jump-start your car without cables. All your kids are named "Joe." you don't need a hammer to pound nails. your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low." you don't sweat, you percolate. you buy Half & Half by the barrel. you've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. you forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. you've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. people get dizzy just watching you. you've worn the finish off your coffee table. the Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. instant coffee takes too long. when someone says "How are you?" you say, "Good to the last drop." your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. you're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. you short out motion detectors. you don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. you think being called a "drip" is a compliment. you don't tan, you roast. you can't even remember your second cup. you help your dog chase its tail.

Proverbs Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true. I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path. Indecision is the key to flexibility. It hurts to be on the cutting edge. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. I always wanted to be a procrastinator; I never got around to it. I am a nutritional overachiever I am having an out of money experience. I plan on living forever. So far, so good. A day without sunshine is like night. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Age doesn't always bring wisdom, Sometimes age comes alone. Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show. You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

U

*Mathematician Vs Physicist Vs Engineer* What is "pi"? Mathematician: Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the circumference of a circle and its diameter. Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927 plus or minus 0.000000005. Engineer: Pi is about 3. -- An Engineer, a Physicist, and a Mathematician all go to the same conference. University budgets being what they are, they all stay in the same cheap hotel. Each room has the same floor plan, has the same cheap TV, the same cheap bed, and a small bathroom. Instead of a sprinkler system, the hotel has opted for Fire Buckets. The Engineer, Physicist, and Mathematician are all asleep in bed. At about 2AM, the Physicist wakes up because he smells smoke. He looks in the corner of the room and sees that the TV set is on fire! He dashes into the bathroom, fills the Fire Bucket to overflowing with water, and drenches the TV set. The fire goes out, and the Physicist goes back to sleep. A little while later, the Engineer wakes because he smells smoke. He looks in the corner of his room and sees that the TV set is on fire. He grabs a handy envelope, estimates the BTU output of the fire, scribbles a quick calculation, then dashes into the bathroom and fills the Fire Bucket with just enough water to douse the flames. He puts the fire out and goes back to sleep. In a little while, the Mathematician wakes up to the smell of smoke. He looks in the corner of his room and sees the TV on fire. He looks into the bathroom and sees the Fire Bucket. Having determined that a solution exists, he goes back to sleep. -- Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer? A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own. -- Engineering is the art of molding materials we do not fully understand into shapes we cannot fully analyze and preventing the public from realizing the full extent of our ignorance. -- Q: Why did the engineers cross the road? A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

Top 41 tactful ways to say someone is stupid 1. About as sharp as a marble. 2. A few clowns short of a circus. 3. Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree. 4. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. 5. I wish I had a blueprint for his brain; I'm trying to build an idiot. 6. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. 7. He only has one oar in the water. 8. A few beers short of a six-pack. 9. Dumber than a box of hair. 10. A few peas short of a casserole. 11. Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box. 12. One Froot Loop shy of a bowl. 13. One taco short of a combination plate. 14. A few feathers short of a whole duck. 15. All foam, no beer. 16. The cheese slid off her cracker. 17. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. 18. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. 19. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. 20. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. 21. As smart as bait. 22. Chimney's clogged. 23. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. 24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. 25. Forgot to pay her brain bill. 26. Her sewing machine's out of thread. 27. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. 28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. 29. If she had another brain, it would be lonely. 30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. 31. No grain in the silo. 32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. 33. Receiver is off the hook. 34. Twenty-four cents short of a quarter. 35. Skylight leaks a little. 36. Slinky's kinked. 37. Surfing in Nebraska. 38. Too much yardage between the goal posts. 39. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 40. The lights are on, but nobody's home. 41. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

Mergers of the future: 1. XEROX and WURLITZER (They're going to make reproductive organs) 2. FAIRCHILD ELECTRONICS and HONEYWELL COMPUTERS (The new company will be called Fairwell Honeychild) 3. POLYGRAM RECORDS, WARNER BROTHERS, and KEEBLER (The new company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker) 4. W.R. GRACE CO., FULLER BRUSH CO., MARY KAY COSMETICS, and HALE BUSINESS SYSTEMS (The company will be called Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace) 5. 3M and GOODYEAR (MMM Good) 6. JOHN DEERE and ABITIBI-PRICE (Deere Abi) 7. HONEYWELL, IMASCO, and HOME OIL (Honey, I'm Home) 8. DENISON MINES, ALLIANCE, and METAL MINING (Mine All Mine) 9. 3M, JC PENNEY, and THE METROPOLITAN OPERA COMPANY (3 Penney Opera) 10. GREY POUPON and DOCKERS PANTS (Poupon Pants) 11. KNOTT'S BERRY FARM and THE NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR WOMEN (The new company will be called Knott Now) 12. ZIPPO MANUFACTURING, AUDI, DOFASCO, and DAKOTA MINING (The new company will be called Zip Audi Do-Da) 13. NETSCAPE and YAHOO (Net n' Yahoo)

A warning for computer users: I like my new spell checker, It came with my PC. It plainly marques four my revue, Mistakes I can not sea. I�ve run these verses threw it, I�m sure your please two no. Its letter perfect in its weigh, My checker tolled me sew. Who is the smartest monster of them all? A: Frank Einstein Did you know there are basically only three types of people in the world? - those who can count, and those who can�t.

You have the same spell checquer that I have! *lol* thanks for these goodies. You did not know abut this conference berfore, did you?! Tread carefully lest your eyes fall out in horror *grin*

Ten things it is not a good idea to say when stopped by the police: 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 5. Are you Andy or Barney? 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 8. I pay your salary. 9. Thanks, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too. 10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. 12. When the officer says "Son, your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" you probably shouldn't respond with, "Officer, your eyes looked glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Oh I've visited here before just hadn't pressed the all button and seen the lot!

Amazing, is it not?! Imagine my surprise when I logged in and found a newly created topic for me here ...! The only more surprising place was http://www.spring.net/yapp-bin/restricted/read/babes/45/new

TOOL DESCRIPTIONS HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing leather goods. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads and transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...." HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the fender. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round out Phillips screw heads. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short. ***

PREFERENCES Dentists do it orally Cops do it with cuffs DJ's do it on request Truckers do it in the road Soldiers do it under orders Detectives do it under cover Australians do it Down Under Zoologists do it with animals Gardeners do it in the bushes Gas attendants Pump all day Firemen do it with a big hose Frank Sinatra does it his way Engineers do it to specification Garbage men come twice a week Chess players check their Mates Ambulance drivers come quicker Pianists touch, tickle, and titillate! Housewives do it for an allowance Jockeys gallop hard and finish fast Mountain Climbers like to be on top Waiters and waitresses do it for tips Accountants do it with Double Entry Landlords do it every 1st of the month Acupuncturists do it with a small prick Travel Agents do it in lots of different places Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free Bankers do it with interest, Bartenders do it on the Rocks Watch out for tennis players - love means nothing to them! Postal Workers - Lick It Before We Stick It Computer wizards do it with plug-ins

(*snickering) :)

*looking around aprehensively* is my lady-status still intact?

definitely not! *grin*

*giggle* Good! I found it was stunting my growth up there on that rickety pedestal.

sshhhhh! I just might still be fooling some others, though...*smiling like the lady I try to be most of the time*

THINGS ONLY A MOM CAN TEACH 1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home." 2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.... "You are going to get it when we get home!" 3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!" 4. My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 5. My Mother taught me AGRICULTURE... "If you don't stop swallowing those seeds you're going to have watermelons growing out your nose." 6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job." 7. My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?" 8. My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 10. My Mother taught me about SEX.... "How do you think you got here?" 11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like your father." 12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?" 13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand. 14. And my all time favorite ... JUSTICE... "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like."

Worst Things To Say On A First Date I used to have a real bad bedwetting problem...but the last couple of weeks I've gotten it under control. I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden... but could I borrow $500 Go ahead and Super Size - I found spare change in the sofa today. Something tells me that you're very special...but with medication I can usually ignore it. I don't see my ex-girlfriend that much...thanks to the U.S. Department of Justice. Do you want to play doctor? That'll be $500 Wait till my wife hears about this! I had a good time tonight. I'd love to see you again in six to eight months with good behavior.

I am expecting to get some really risque email from you shortly, Maggie. It is nice to share =)

Oh no, sorry, it was in confidence! *huge grin*

*Applause*

remove please????? *pleads*

You gotta do it - I can only do my own on other people's conferences. See your email...

Would you believe this actually came from the New England Journal of Medicine? Great news for girl watchers: Ogling over women's breasts is good for a man's health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered. According to the New England Journal of Medicine, "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out" declared Dr. Karen Weatherby. Dr. Weatherby and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients - half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so. The study revealed that after five years, the chest-watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease. "Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation," explains Dr. Weatherby. "There's no question: Gazing at breasts makes men healthier." "Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years."

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "ALL RIGHT I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what did happen in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

What Your Computer Is Trying To Tell You: It says: "Press Any Key" It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving." It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E" It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 30 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem." It says: "Installing program to C:\...." It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them." It says: "Please insert disk 11" It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks." It says: "Not enough memory" It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K." It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...." It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..." It says: "Please Wait...." It means: "... Indefinitely." It says: "Directory does not exist...." It means: ".... any more. Whoops." It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close." It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back. Kiss your afternoon goodbye..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------

TRIVIA Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs. People Do Not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop...even your heart! Only 7% of the population are lefties. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines. The toothbrush was invented in 1498. The average housefly lives for one month. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute. Eating breakfast cereals like "Fruity Pebbles" and "Cap'n Crunch Berries" will cause your stools to come out green. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.( SO ONLY BUY SHOES IN THE MORNING OR AT NIGHT). About 20% of all adults in the US have or have had a cockroach that called their inner ear canal HOME. They enter while you sleep! (((This rates a good 10 on the ewwww-yuck scale and right up there with the fact that many of us have eaten a spider in our sleep tooooo EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!))) The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water. The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and the parrot. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie". Among the music catalogues that Michael Jackson owns the rights to is the South Carolina State anthem. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were seventh cousins. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

Because everything you read on the internet is true . . . I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's, (sent to me because I forwarded their e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken - which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC. Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.) The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped around a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of X's and O's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway, the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green M&Ms, but if you don't, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get cancer from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your wife will develop breast cancer from using the anti-perspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the government will put a tax on your e-mails forever. I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.

A guy walks into this sporting goods store in Alaska, immediately spies a rather haggard-looking old salt of a store clerk sitting by the cash register. "Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?" "Yep," answers the clerk. "Big bears?" "Yep." "Mean bears?" "Yep." "Black bears?" "Yep." "GRIZZLIES???!" "Yep." "Got any bear bells?" "What's dat?" "You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so bears know yer in the perimiter so's they can runs away ..." "Yep. Over yonder ..." "Great. I'll take one fer black bears, and one fer grizzlies. Say, how'd you know if yer in black bear country anyway?" "Look fer scatt." "Oh. Well, how how'd you know if there's GRIZZLIES????!" "Look fer scatt." "You just said that!" "Yeah. But grizzly scatt's different." "Well now, just what's IN grizzly scatt that's different?" "Bear bells."

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were: His dizzy aunt......................................Verti Gogh The brother who ate prunes..........................Gotta Gogh The constipated uncle...............................Cant Gogh The brother who worked at a convenience store.......Stopn Gogh The grandfather from Yugoslavia.....................U Gogh The brother who bleached his clothes white..........Hue Gogh The cousin from Illinois............................Chica Gogh His magician uncle.............................Wherediddy Gogh His Mexican cousin..................................Amee Gogh The Mexican cousin's American half brother..........Grin Gogh The ballroom dancing aunt...........................Tan Gogh A sister who loved disco............................Go Gogh The nephew who drove a stage coach ...............Wellsfar Gogh The bird lover uncle................................Flamin Gogh His nephew psychoanalyst............................E Gogh The fruit loving cousin.............................Man Gogh An aunt who taught positive thinking................Wayto Gogh The little bouncy nephew............................Poe Gogh And his niece who travels the country in a van....Winnie BayGogh

Top ten reasons why America is the best country in the world 1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America......are there handicap-parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. 11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.

Three engineers There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"

We've all needed tech support at one time or another, and have often felt a bit goofy when the seemingly impossible answer was made blindingly obvious by a friend, family member, or the computer's tech support line. But after you read these, you'll realize that goofiness is entirely relative... ---- A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine." ---- Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet,and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?" ---- Tech Support: "Ok Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!" --- Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please." Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety." Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?" ---- I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it. ---- Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?" ---- I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this: Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?" ---- Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to "The Internet." ---- Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Yeah." Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah." ---- Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon." Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows-because of the icons- I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons." Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to-" Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons." Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet...is 'little picture' ok?" Customer: [click] ---- Customer: "My computer crashed!" Tech Support: "It crashed?" Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game." Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot." Customer: "No, it didn't crash - it crashed." Tech Support: "Huh?" Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't work." Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship. Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'" Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?" ---- Now don't you feel better?

-----CHILDREN'S ANSWERS IN MUSIC EDUCATION---- These are stories and test questions accumulated by music teachers in the state of Missouri, circa 1989. Source: Missouri School Music Newsletter. I can't reach the brakes on this piano! Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed. It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm. My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best. I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow or Friday be best? Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra. Tubas are a bit too much. A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so. The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose. The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument. Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types. Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor. The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up. For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch. The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin real good. Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument? Answer: Yes. Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble. A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard. Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS! Question: What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums. When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody. The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge. While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves. A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound. Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick with the first name and learn it good. Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras. You should always say 'celli when you mean there are two or more cellos. A tuba is much larger than its name. A harp is a nude piano. My favorite composer is Opus. My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby. Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys. Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago. Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy. A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the odium. Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America. I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say. Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel. When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting. In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after. An opera is a song of bigly size. Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead. Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large. John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present. A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals. Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

IF MEN WERE IN CHARGE OF WEDDINGS There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" Party. Bridesmaids would wear matching blue-jean cutoffs and halter-tops. Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors. June weddings would be scheduled around basketball playoffs. Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part. The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '69 Camaro or some other Chevy with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley! Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head. Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of Best Man. Tailgate receptions. Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at halftime or between innings. Short ceremonies and long honeymoons. Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. Strippers and liquor add up. Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine-colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local tavern. Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge. Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza, and plenty of barbecue. No one would bother with the "veil routine." But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go. The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral or something. The "bride's father pays" tradition could stay. All dance-floor songs would be by Iggy and the Stooges, Ted Nugent, the Smashing Pumpkins, 2Pac, and Sir Mix-A-Lot. Invitations would read as follows: Tom is getting the old ball and chain. He either: a) knocked her up; b) couldn't get a different roommate; or c) caved in to her ultimatum. Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him for the rest of his life at Soldier Field on the 50-yard line at halftime during Sunday's game. Please join us at the Moonlight Lounge after the game for beer, nachos, and pizza. BYOB.

Good thing men aren't in charge.

Yup! Does it sound more appealling than what we arrange?

Observations on Horses Tying your horse's reins to a post does no good if you then remove the bridle. When throwing your saddle over your horse's back, do not let go. See Law of Inertia: a body in motion tends to remain in motion. Forgetting to tighten the girth before swinging into the saddle gives you a whole new perspective of your horse. Before using a crop to encourage your horse to move, be sure it is facing the direction you wish to go. On a five mile long road with a single mud puddle in it, your horse will shy when you are most likely to fall in the puddle. Same for a single cactus in the desert. It is a mistake to believe horses have no sense of humor. They think we are funny. A neophyte rider need waste no time being concerned for his horse's welfare. Your horse knows all about being a horse. Concentrate on your own well being. Horses smell FEAR. Deodorant won't help.

HOW TO TALK ABOUT MEN AND STILL BE POLITICALLY CORRECT! He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He investigates ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION. He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY. He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENT. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

I'm getting tired, I guess I'm awake-challenged.

*lol* Sounds like...!

Actual signs seen in London England. 1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out. 2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs 3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken. 4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board. 5. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance) 6. OUTSIDE A SECOND-HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain. 7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council. 8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of. 9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness. 10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car 11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor. 12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges. 13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons. 14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work) 15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

Grandma Shoes When I was very little All the Grandmas that I knew Were wearing the same kind Of ugly grandma shoes.. You know the kind I mean.. Clunky heeled, black, lace-up kind, They just looked so very awful That it weighed upon my mind, For I knew, when I grew old . I'd have to wear those shoes, I'd think of that, from time to time It seemed like such bad news. I never was a rebel, I wore saddle shoes to school, And next came ballerinas Then the sandals, pretty cool. And then came spikes with pointed toes Then platforms, very tall, As each new fashion came along I wore them, one and all. But always, in the distance, Looming in my future, there, Was that awful pair of ugly shoes, The kind that Grandmas wear. I eventually got married And then I became a Mom Our kids grew up and left, And when their children came along, I knew I was a Grandma And the time was drawing near When those clunky, black, old lace up shoes Was what I'd have to wear. How would I do my gardening Or take my morning hike? I couldn't even think about How I would ride my bike! But fashions kept evolving And one day I realized That the shape of things to come Was changing, right before my eyes. And now, when I go shopping What I see, fills me with glee For, in my jeans and Nike's I'm as comfy as can be. And I look at all these teenage girls And there, upon their feet Are clunky, black, old Grandma shoes, And I really think that's neat!

Inspiration from Ginny - Thanks dear! One day a father and his well-to-do family went on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing their young son how poor some people can be. They spent a day and a night at the farm of a very poor family. When they got back from their trip the father asked his son, "How was the trip?" "Very good, dad." "Did you see how poor people can be?" the father asked. "Yeah" said the son. "And what did you learn?" asked the father. The son answered, "I saw that we have a dog at home and they have four. "We have a pool that reaches to the middle of the garden, they have a creek that has no end. "We have imported lamps in the garden, they have the stars. "Our patio reaches to the front yard, they have the whole horizon." When the little boy was finished, his father was speechless. His son added, "Thanks dad for showing me how poor we are." Isn't it true it all depends on the way you look at things? If you have love, friends, family, health, good humor and a positive attitude towards life --- you've got everything...... You can't buy any of these things. You can have all the material possessions you can imagine, provisions for the future, etc., but if you are poor of spirit, you have nothing

Snappy Comebacks to the Age Old Question "Why Aren't You Married Yet?" 1. You haven't asked yet. 2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life. 3. Nobody would believe me in white. 4. Because I just love hearing this question. 5. Just lucky, I guess. 6. It gives my mother something to live for. 7. My fianc� is awaiting parole. 8. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America. 9. I'm waiting until I get to be your age. 10. It didn't seem worth a blood test. 11. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you. 12. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating. 13. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses. 14. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund. 15. They just opened a great singles bar on my block. 16. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness. 17. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals. 18. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads? 19. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck. 20. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

READ THE SIGNS: On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak." In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push." At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming." Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people." At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?" In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here." In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin." At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be." On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte." In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up." Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop." In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

60 Actual Newspaper Headlines, Collected by Journalists 1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says 2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers 3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case 5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents 6. Farmer Bill Dies In House 7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus? 9. Stud Tires Out 10. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope 11. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over 12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again 13. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands 14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms 15. Eye Drops Off Shelf 16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 17. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead 18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim 19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax 21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told 22. Miners Refuse to Work After Death 23. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant 24. Stolen Painting Found By Tree 25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies 26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter 27. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years 28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One 29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84 30. War Dims Hope For Peace 31. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 32. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures 33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge 35. Deer Kill 17,000 36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 37. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge 38. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group 39. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft 40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy 42. Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire 43. British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply 44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood 45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees 46. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half 47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies 48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing 49. Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing 50. Air Head Fired 51. Steals Clock, Faces Time 52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff 53. Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni 54. Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board 55. Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors 56. Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction 57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training 58. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies 59. Police Discovered Pot Plants Were Really Cannabis 60. Headless Body Found In Topless Bar

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them atest booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the sametime,each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a timed test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job." So, Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made greeting cards. They did every job known to computer nerds. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and both restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. He protested, "Wait! He cheated - how'd he do it?" God just shrugged and said; "Jesus saves."

Airline Original Humor Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: 1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." 2. Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." 3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride. 4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" 5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." 6. From a Southwest Airlines employee...."Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. 7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." 8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." 9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." 10. "Last one off the plane must clean it." 11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...! 12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" 13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." 14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally,everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?" 15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal. 16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

The TRUTH, The WHOLE TRUTH, And NOTHING But The TRUTH! A fairy tale for the assertive woman of the new millennium Once upon a time, in a land far away, A beautiful, independent, self assured princess, happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. That night, on a repast of lightly sauteed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't think so.

Marcia, that's one of my all-time faves -- THANKS! :)

Nan! How I've missed your gentle humor. Aloha and welcome back!!! How are things going for you?

Really, moonbeam, hope you're doing well. Email received. Hope we can fix you up.

Aloha, Marcia! I'm trying to catch up but I'm real real REAL behind. ;) Feeling stronger every day, and am about to take off for New Mexico to spend the summer shuttling between Taos (where I hope to get centered and finish a book) and my family home in Los Alamos, where my dad is dying. Terry, I'm guessing you must be referring to e-mail from Debra about our posts here being publically findable with a google.com search? She said she wrote to you but she didn't copy me on it.

Ah, so this is where all the interesting post(s) are.... Have to come here more often. Mike aka Cosmo "Caution, Distance Ahead...."

Aloha Mike *grin* Welcome to the good stuff. When you finally wander over to Geo conference, you will see what really interests me, though I do post other places. I am delighted to talk to you on other subjects. Please don't be a stranger!

*ahem* There is even a topic with my name on it (three times) in Babes conferences....if you are REALLY curious...

And...why "Caution, Distance Ahead...." , Mike? Long load? Sailing a snake wake? You have piqued my curiousity...

STUPID CRIMINAL STORIES --------------- * A masked man in Suffolk, VA was shot during an apparent robbery attempt at a downtown store according to authorities. The suspect was wearing a ski mask when he leapt over the counter, apparently intending to rob the place. The suspect was not armed. Unfortunately for him, the clerk behind the counter was. But this should not have surprised the suspect since the establishment he chose to rob was a gun store. * A silent burglar alarm went off in a local deli in Bloomfield, NJ. As the police arrived they could see that the front door of the deli had been smashed out and it appeared to be a typical "smash and grab." It was apparent that the suspect had cut his hand on the door and was bleeding pretty badly, and investigation also revealed that he had stolen the cash register off the counter. A short while later, another officer radioed in stating he was in back of a small compact car. The trunk was open and a cash register was in plain view. As if that wasn't suspicious alone, the suspect had not bothered to take the cash drawer out of the register and what little change and cash was left in the drawer had been blowing out of the car leaving a trail of money. Want more proof of this guy's stupidity? The cash register was so large he couldn't close the trunk, so he tried tying the lid closed with the same torn blood-soaked T-shirt he was wearing to stop the bleeding on his hand. Once the vehicle was pulled over, the officer asked the driver, "Where you going with the cash register?" The suspect replied, "What cash register?" * A prisoner in New Liskeard, Ontario, waiting for his case to come up decided to escape. He ran out of the courthouse with guards right behind him. The suspect ran through the downtown area and out onto the town dock and jumped into the lake. However, the escaped prisoner immediately began screaming to be saved. He forgot he couldn't swim. * An armed robber planned to rob a regular cash pick-up from a Prince William County bowling alley. However, the robbery did not go according to plan. As a vehicle pulled up to the bowling alley, which the robber thought was an armored car, he accosted the driver at gunpoint and fled with a bag. Unfortunately for him, the vehicle was a cleaning supplies truck and the bag contained a dozen mop heads. The robber was arrested minutes later.

Hiya "Caution..." was a cryptic phrase that was once spoken during a strange night in Austin - many years ago in a parallel universe where I once habitated.... M -aka- cos

ah...yes! I remember (I think) those parallel universes... NEW PROVERBS If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. A closed mouth gathers no feet. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

And a special cosmic greet to all. Have a groovy day -M- Galaxy 500

Always! and the same to you *M* Extra-Gallactic

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the world. Being from the United States, he thought the place to start is San Francisco and work toward the East coast. He went to the very large Grace Cathedral in that city and began taking photographs. Suddenly, he spotted a golden telephone on a wall with a sign which reads $10,000 a minute. Intrigued, he sought out the priest and asked about the phone and the cost of calls. The priest advised him that this golden phone, in fact, is a direct line to Heaven. If he wished to use it, he could talk directly to God. "Thank you very much," he says and continues on his way. Next, in both Milwaukee and Chicago, he finds duplicate copies of the San Francisco phone with exactly the same notices on them. He again inquires of the local priests and receives exactly the same answers. He thanks them and resumes his investigation for his book. The writer continues on through many other states and finds the identical phones and signs until, finally, he arrives in Texas. Upon entering the Cathedral in Houston, lo and behold, he sees the familiar golden telephone with a sign. But this time the sign reads "Calls 35 cents." Fascinated, he rushed to the Bishop and said, "I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found a golden telephone. I was told that it was a direct line to Heaven. I also was told I could talk to God. But in all of the other churches, the toll was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 'Calls 35 cents'. Why? The Bishop smiled at him benignly and said, "My son, that's easy to explain. You see. You're in Texas. It is a local call from here."

Oy! Time to plan another trip to Texas! M i k e

Oy?! Texan for Auwe? M a r c i a

Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to: a. Present it to the president of the United States. b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations. c. Take it apart. 2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youth do you miss the most? a. Innocence. b. Idealism. c. Cherry bombs. 3. When is it okay to kiss another male? a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions. b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.) c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed. 4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is: a. A cat. b. A dog. c. A dog that eats cats. 5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy--you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say? a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it. b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope. c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen. 6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her. How do you tell her? a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner. b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her. c. Tell her what? 7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is: a. "Do they need to eat or anything?" b. "They're in school already?" c. "There are three of them?" 8. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land? a. He was being tested. b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there. c. He refused to ask directions. 9. What is the human race's single greatest achievement? a. Democracy. b. Religion. c. Remote control.

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no further. So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly. What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon. Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives. If God allowed us to go through our lives without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. We could never fly! I asked for Strength......... And God gave me Difficulties to make me strong. I asked for Wisdom......... And God gave me Problems to solve. I asked for Prosperity......... And God gave me Brain and Brawn to work. I asked for Courage......... And God gave me Danger to overcome. I asked for Love......... And God gave me Troubled people to help. I asked for Favors......... And God gave me Opportunities. I received nothing I wanted ........ I received everything I needed! May God Bless You. May the desires of your heart come true, and may you experience Peace in everything you do. May Goodness, Kindness, and Mercy come your way.

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights: 1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application." 2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time." 3. "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece." 4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate." 5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve" 6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm." 7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions." 8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office." 9 . "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left." 10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him." 11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much." 12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold." 13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview." 14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer." 15. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume." 16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one." 17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security." 18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

Over 3 million households around the country had to do without watching ABC TV earlier this week because of a quarrel over transmission rights between Time Warner Inc. and The Walt Disney Co., owners of ABC. The Top Things Overheard in the Disney/Time Warner Negotiations "So we are agreed, you rule the world Monday through Wednesday, we rule the world Thursday through Saturday, and on Sunday we let Cher have a crack at it." "Here's the thing: Time? Loves the mouse. Warner? Not so much." "Give in, or you'll hear 'It's a Small World' once an hour for the rest of your lives!!!" The splintering of wooden doors as a Janet Reno's swat team rushes in to free Regis. "So let's recap: you rename one of the dwarfs 'Katzenbergey', and we can get the little mermaid alone in a Motel 6 for three hours." "Uh, Mr. Eisner -- just because Mickey wears no pants doesn't mean you have to." "I'm afraid you don't understand -- what Goofy wants, Goofy gets." "Alright, who put the frozen head of Walt in my bed?" "Is that your final tantrum?" [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]

Thanks for the great additions to this compilation of the best and worst of human endeavors. It is so good to have you posting again *Big Smiles and Hugs*

21 Reasons the English Language is Hard to Learn 1. The bandage was wound around the wound. 2. The farm was used to produce produce. 3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse. 4. We must polish the Polish furniture. 5. He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10. I did not object to the object. 11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row. 13. They were too close to the door to close it. 14. The buck does funny things when does are present. 15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 18. After a number of injections my jaw got number. 19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a pound where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on the roof of one their biggest churches. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine. Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jock fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint and thin no more!"

In a large Florida city, the local rabbi developed quite a reputation for his sermons; so much so that everyone in the community came every Shabbos. Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island for his nephew's Bar Mitzvah. But he didn't want to miss The Rabbi's sermon. So he decided to hire a "Shabbos goy" to sit in the congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned. Other congregants saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire "Shabbos goys" to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of going to shul. Within a few weeks time there were 500 gentiles sitting in shul taping the Rabbi. The Rabbi got wise to this. The following Shabbos he, too, hired a Shabbos goy who brought a tape recorder to play his prerecoded sermon. Witnesses said this marked the first incidence in history of "artificial insermonation."

* G R O A N * *giggle*

MERGERS In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Netscape/Time Warner deals, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see: Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker. 3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood. John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da. Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home. Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine, All Mine. Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women merge to become Knott NOW.

WHY MEN ARE PROUD OF THEMSELVES 1. We know stuff about tanks. 2. A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase. 3. We can open all our own jars. 4. We can make decisions without a support group. 5. We can leave a motel bed unmade. 6. We can kill our own food. 7. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 8. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 9. If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend. 10. Underwear is $10 a three-pack. 11. Three pairs of shoes is more than adequate. 12. We don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming. 13. Car mechanics tell us the truth. 14. We can sit quietly and watch TV with a friend for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me." 15. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. 16. We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift. 17. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit you just might become lifelong friends. 18. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" 19. We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors. 20. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes. 21. The same hairstyle lasts for years-maybe decades. 22. We don't have to shave below the neck. 23. A few belches are expected and tolerated. 24. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. 25. We can do our nails with a pocketknife. 26. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day before Christmas and be done in 45 minutes.

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards. They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose -- how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair. The author said he could handle the story tactfully. The book appeared. It said, "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."

Got this e-mail from my 17-year-old daughter this morning -- Dear mom: Today has been the mega henious morning of my life. And it all started before I woke up this morning. Sometime during the night, I was abducted by hostile anal-probe toting aliens. So I woke up this morning smelling like stale piss-water beer. Then, as if that weren't bad enough, I realized that I had slept on my head wrong and my neck wouldn't move without the use of plumbing tools. But I knew this was no excuse to skip class, so I went to my first class, Elbow Macaroni Throughout the Ages. While I was sitting in class picturing the prof naked, I began to develop a horrible case of gas. I don't know what to do, Mom. I wanna curl up with my blankie. But that's hard to do when you look like an old Indian man. Anyway, I'll be alright. Don't worry about me. Too much. I went through five boxes of "Ding-Dongs" every hour this morning. I'm sure a crutch'll do me good. But if you sent me $10,000 now, I might not have to sink to those depths. --- This letter was sent by the Student.Com Mom-O-Matic http://www.student.com/feature/momomatic Student.Com: http://www.student.com

Nan! They are great. I am pasting them to email and sending it to those in the world who I have not enticed into Spring as yet. Thanks for some really clever goodies!

A friend sent this to me saying we could all use a reminder of what's important. And it was fun. (Love the last one!) This is what The Dalai Lama has to say on the millennium, all it takes is a few seconds to read and think. Instructions For Life 1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk. 2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson. 3. Follow the three Rs: a) Respect for self b) Respect for others and 4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck. 5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly. 6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship. 7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it. 8. Spend some time alone every day. 9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values. 10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. 11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time. 12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life. 13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past. 14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality. 15. Be gentle with the earth. 16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before. 17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other. 18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it. 19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Remembering our conversation about John Brown on History conference, John added this comment to the one he made there: "I believe in judging John Brown, you need to take the Dalai Lama's sayings #1, #5, and #9 into consideration. Yes, Brown took his principles beyond non-violent resistance, but war and a changing economic paradigm was the only thing caused freedom for the slaves, not nonviolent resistance or the Emancipation Proclamation."

Very true, and definitely worth considering when contemplating John Brown's influence on American History.

Did you read the comment I posted after your thoughtful one on the fact of John Brown and his controversial life? I am about to post what happened today...

Some hymns to consider for future services. The Dentist's Hymn - Crown Him with Many Crowns Weatherman's Hymn: There Shall be Showers of Blessings The Contractor's Hymn - The Church's One Foundation The Tailor's Hymn - Holy, Holy, Holy The Golfer's Hymn - There is a Green Hill Far Away The Politician's Hymn - Standing On the Promises The Optometrist's Hymn - Open My Eyes That I May See The IRS Agent's Hymn - I Surrender All The Gossip's Hymn - Pass It On The Electrician's Hymn - Send Out Thy Light The Shopper's Hymn - Sweet By and By Hymns to Sing while driving - 45 mph - God Will Take Care of You 55 mph - Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah 65 mph - Nearer My God to Thee 75 mph - Nearer Still Nearer 85 mph - This World is Not My Home 95 mph - Lord, I'm Coming Home Over 100 mph - Precious Memories

Yes, I did read them, Marcia. Sorry I should have posted and let you know.

HAPPY MOTHERS' DAY You Know You're a Mom When... 10. You automatically double-knot everything you tie. 9. You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes. 8. You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school! 7. You can never go to the bathroom alone without someone screaming outside the door. 6. You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce. 5. You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you. 4. You actually start understanding the Klingon language. 3. You get so into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells. 2. You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?" 1. You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!

DEEP THOUGHTS 1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. 2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. 3. I am in shape. Round's a shape... 4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. 5. Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? 6. I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. 7. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. 8. Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. 9. You have to walk to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we have no idea where she is. 10. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. 11. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you 12. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. 13. I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her. 14. A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too." 15. Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library, the James Carter Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Children have a way of making the complicated, very simple The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom. It is so hot in some places that people there have to live in other places. Momentum is something you give a person when they go away. Mushrooms always grow in damp places which is why they look like umbrellas. The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar. The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana. Thunder is a rich source of loudness. Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I never have been able to make out the numbers. When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy. One of the main causes of dust is DIRT. A monsoon is a French gentleman. To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow. Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should. Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does. There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because so many people are stomping around there these days. The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

Not so long ago... (thanks, Hannah!) An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy you hoped nobody found out! Compress was something you did to garbage not something you did to a file. And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for awhile! Log on was adding wood to a fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode! Cut - you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu! I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they wish they were dead!

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS . . . I'm sorry... what did you ask me?

RANDOM THOUGHTS Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor. You can't have everything - where would you put it? Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray! A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Sayings for a High Stress Day 1. You! Off my planet!! 2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we? 3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 5. And your crybaby whiny-arsed opinion would be...? 6. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years. 7. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 8. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 9. Do they ever shut up on your planet? 10. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up. 11. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 12. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 13. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one. 14. How many times do I have to flush before you go away. 15. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong? 16. You say I'm a witch like it's a bad thing. 17. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2? 18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 19. Chaos, panic & disorder - my work here is done. 20. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth. 21. Earth is full. Go home. 22. Is it time for your medication or mine? 23. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego? 24. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 25. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. 26. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

* still LOL and gasping for breath -- thanks for the PMS & lightbulbs!!! *

My pleasure! Here's another couple to pixillate you: POOR BILL, THEY'RE AT IT AGAIN! Bill Gates passes this mortal life and to nobody's surprise including his own, arrives in hell. Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Frankly releasing Windows 95 two years early, would by itself, have landed you here. But enough of that. You've arrived on a day when I'm in a good mood, so I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever." Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young, dark-skinned blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan then locks the door, and swallows the key. As Satan turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!" "That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan, "the bottle is empty and the girl is RuPaul!" "What about the PC?" "It's got Windows 2000," laughed Satan, "and it's missing three keys!" "Which three?" "Control, Alt and Delete."

*WOMEN* By the time the Lord made mothers, he was into his sixth day of working overtime. An Angel appeared and said "Why are you spending so much time on this one"? And the Lord answered and said, "Have you seen the spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have 200 movable parts, all replaceable, run on black coffee and leftovers, have a lap that can hold three children at one time, and disappears when she stands up. Have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart, and have six pairs of hands." The Angel was astounded at the requirements for this one. Six pairs of hands ! "No Way!" said the Angel. The Lord replied, "Oh, it's not the hands that are the problem. It's the three pairs of eyes that mothers must have!" "And that's just on the standard model?" The Angel asked. The Lord nodded in agreement, "Yep, one pair of eyes are to see through the closed door as she asks her children what they are doing even though she already knows. Another pair in the back of her head, are to see what she needs to know even though no one thinks she can. And the third pair are here in the front of her head. They are for looking at an errant child and saying that she understands and loves him or her, without even saying a single word." The Angel tried to stop the Lord. "This is too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish." "But I can't!" The Lord protested, "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can feed a family of six on a pound of hamburger and can get a nine year old to stand in the shower." The Angel moved closer and touched the woman, "But you have made her so soft, Lord." She is soft", the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish." "Will she be able to think?", asked the Angel. The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason, and negotiate." The Angel then noticed something and reached out and touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak with this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one." "That's not a leak." The Lord objected. "That's a tear." "What's the tear for?" the Angel asked. The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her disappointment, her pain, her loneliness, her grief, and her pride." The Angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything --- for WOMEN are truly amazing!"

THINGS ARE BIGGER BACK IN TEXAS... A young man who left his home in Texas at an early age, finally purchased his own ranch in Oklahoma. He invited his father out for a visit, and took him on a tour of the property. Driving along in the son's pickup truck, a jack rabbit hopped onto the road in front of them. The son stopped the truck to let the rabbit pass, and the father queried: "What in tarnation is that!?" The son incredulously replied, "That's a jackrabbit, Dad, what did you think it was?" The father shrugged and said, "We grow 'em a lot bigger'n back home in Texas." So they went on and a little farther on they came to a few buffalo roaming the range. The son stopped the truck and the father again said in a puzzled tone "What are those?" The son hesitantly said "Those are buffalo, Dad; you gotta be kiddin me, you really don't recognize them?" The father replied "Well, I guess they're kinda familiar -- it's just that we grow 'em so much bigger back in Texas." The son, a bit disgruntled, drove on in silence. At length they approached a low part in the road with marshy wetlands on either side. A large snapping turtle lumbered onto the road. The father peered intently at the creature and said "Now what the heck is that thing!?" Without missing a beat, the son replied, "wood tick"...

Corporate Talk Helping you figure out those slick and glossies from companies recruiting here are what they actually mean. "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY" We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers. "IMMEDIATE OPENING" The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad. "PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS" After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution. "COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT" We have a lot of turnover. "EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT" Guys in grey suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts. "JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM" We all listen to nutty motivational tapes. "MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. "FLEXIBLE HOURS" Work 40 hours; get paid for 25. "DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around. "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control. . "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" You'll need it to replace three people who just left. "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do. "ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD" You whine, you're fired.

NEW WORDS FOR 2000 (Part 1) BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generators running. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon. UNINSTALLED: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. *(Syn:decruitment.) CLM (Career Limiting Move): Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

WORDS FOR 2000 (Part 2) ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. DILBERTED: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character."I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week." 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 - File Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him ... he's 404, man." OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. UMFRIEND: A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship. SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.(Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive, Mortgage) STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets. YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, "We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps." GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."

Things I Learned as a Child ~ No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. ~When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. ~If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. ~You can't trust dogs to watch your food. ~Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot. ~Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. ~Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac. ~Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time. ~School lunches stick to the wall. ~You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. ~Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. ~The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap. ~It's hard to unlearn a bad word. ~It's easier to see the mistakes on someone else's paper. ~A pencil without an eraser may as well just be a pen. ~Sometimes the best one in the play has the fewest lines. ~Twelve is a lot older than eight. ~Sometimes your best move is blocked by your own checkers. ~Don't say that the "Last One is a Rotten Egg" unless you're absolutely sure there's a slow kid behind you. ~If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. ~Your room gets smaller as you get bigger. ~You can't start over just because you're losing the game. ~A snow day is more fun than a vacation day. ~All libraries smell the same. ~If you want someone to listen to you, whisper it. ~Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying. ~Silence can be an answer. ~If you throw a ball at someone, they'll probably throw it back. ~Don't nod on the phone.

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work!?"

HIGH-TECH HAIKU A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone. - - - - - - - - - - - - Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. - - - - - - - - - - - - Wind catches lily scatt'ring petals to the wind: segmentation fault - - - - - - - - - - - - ABORTED effort: Close all that you have. You ask way too much. - - - - - - - - - - - - First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies so beautifully. - - - - - - - - - - - - With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found. - - - - - - - - - - - - The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao, until You bring fresh toner. - - - - - - - - - - - - The Web site you seek cannot be located but endless others exist - - - - - - - - - - - - Stay the patient course Of little worth is your ire The network is down - - - - - - - - - - - - A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone. - - - - - - - - - - - - Yesterday it worked Today it is not working Windows is like that - - - - - - - - - - - - To have no errors Would be life without meaning No struggle, no joy - - - - - - - - - - - - You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here. - - - - - - - - - - - - Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will.

TOP 10 SIGNS SOMEONE PLAYS TOO MANY VIDEO GAMES 10. They ask for all their money in quarters. 9. They're not sure what season, or year it is. 8. They're best friends names are Super Mario, Pac-man, and Sonic (if they have real-life friends). 7. The electric company and the toy store sends them birthday cards. 6. Big falling blocks and hot lava pits haunt their dreams. 5. Their fingers twitch all the time. 4. When they are sick at home the change clerk at the arcade calls to see if they are all right. 3. They can play 2 player games by themselves. 2. Everyone at the arcade knows them by name. 1. Someone is reading this to them, 'cause they're too busy getting a new high score and can not be bothered.

There was once a monk who liked to peddle flowers in front of a large shopping establishment. He was a very annoying fellow, who would constantly beseech you to buy his flowers, and when you refused he would curse you with all the fire and brimstone he could muster. This was very annoying to the patrons of the shopping center, and they began to take their business elsewhere. The businessmen became upset, because this fellow was driving away all the shoppers. One day, one of them got an idea. He ran off to the cattle yard, and purchased a lamb. He then came back and climbed to the roof of the building, threw the lamb over the side, killing the monk below as he was selling his flowers. The other businessmen came up to him and asked, "Why did you do that?" He replied, "I had to. Only ewes can stop florist friars."

[Source unknown - I got it from Ginny] THE YOUNG PERSON'S GUIDE TO THE CHORUS In any chorus, there are four voice parts: soprano, alto, tenor, and bass. Sometimes these are divided into first and second within each part,prompting endless jokes about first and second basses. There are also various other parts such as baritone, countertenor, contralto, mezzo soprano, etc., but these are mostly used by people who are either soloists, or belong to some excessively hotshot classical a cappella group (this applies especially to countertenors), or are trying to make excuses for not really fitting into any of the regular voice parts, so we will ignore them for now. Each voice part sings in a different range, and each one has a very different personality. You may ask, "Why should singing different notes make people act differently?", and indeed this is a mysterious question and has not been adequately studied, especially since scientists who study musicians tend to be musicians themselves and have all the peculiar complexes that go with being tenors, french horn players, timpanists, or whatever. However, this is beside the point; the fact remains that the four voice parts can be easily distinguished, and I will now explain how. THE SOPRANOS are the ones who sing the highest, and because of this they think they rule the world. They have longer hair, fancier jewelry, and swishier skirts than anyone else, and they consider themselves insulted if they are not allowed to go at least to a high F in every movement of any given piece. When they reach the high notes, they hold them for at least half again as long as the composer and/or conductor requires, and then complain that their throats are killing them and that the composer and conductor are sadists. Sopranos have varied attitudes toward the other sections of the chorus, though they consider all of them inferior. Altos are to sopranos rather like second violins to first violins - nice to harmonize with, but not really necessary. All sopranos have a secret feeling that the altos could drop out and the piece would sound essentially the same, and they don't understand why anybody would sing in that range in the first place - it's so boring. Tenors, on the other hand, can be very nice to have around; besides their flirtation possibilities (it is a well-known fact that sopranos never flirt with basses), sopranos like to sing duets with tenors because all the tenors are doing is working very hard to sing in a low-to-medium soprano range, while the sopranos are up there in the stratosphere showing off. To sopranos, basses are the scum of the earth - they sing too damn loud, are useless to tune to because they're down in that low, low range - and there has to be something wrong with anyone who sings in the F clef, anyway (although while they swoon while the Tenors sing, they still end up going home with the basses). THE ALTOS are the salt of the earth - in their opinion, at least. Altos are unassuming people, who would wear jeans to concerts if they were allowed to. Altos are in a unique position in the chorus in that they are unable to complain about having to sing either very high or very low, and they know that all the other sections think their parts are pitifully easy. But the altos know otherwise. They know that while the sopranos are screeching away on a high A, they are being forced to sing elaborate passages full of sharps and flats and tricks of rhythm, and nobody is noticing because the sopranos are singing too loud (and the basses usually are, too). Altos get a deep, secret pleasure out of conspiring together to tune the sopranos flat. Altos have an innate distrust of tenors, because the tenors sing in almost the same range and think they sound better. They like the basses, and enjoy singing duets with them - the basses just sound like a rumble anyway, and it's the only time the altos can really be heard. Altos' other complaint is that there are always too many of them and so they never get to sing really loud. THE TENORS are spoiled. That's all there is to it. For one thing, there are never enough of them, and choir directors would rather sell their souls than let a halfway decent tenor quit, while they're always ready to unload a few altos at half price. And then, for some reason, the few tenors there are are always really good - it's one of those annoying facts of life. So it's no wonder that tenors always get swollen heads - after all, who else can make sopranos swoon? The one thing that can make tenors insecure is the accusation (usually by the basses) that anyone singing that high couldn't possibly be a real man. In their usual perverse fashion, the tenors never acknowledge this, but just complain louder about the composer being a sadist and making them sing so damn high. Tenors have a love-hate relationship with the conductor, too, because the conductor is always telling them to sing louder because there are so few of them. No conductor in recorded history has ever asked for less tenor in a forte passage. Tenors feel threatened in some way by all the other sections - the sopranos because they can hit those incredibly high notes; the altos because they have no trouble singing the notes the tenors kill themselves for; and the basses because, although they can't sing anything above an E, they sing it loud enough to drown the tenors out. Of course, the tenors would rather die than admit any of this. It is a little-known fact that tenors move their eyebrows more than anyone else while singing. THE BASSES sing the lowest of anybody. This basically explains everything. They are stolid, dependable people, and have more facial hair than anybody else. The basses feel perpetually unappreciated, but they have a deep conviction that they are actually the most important part (a view endorsed by musicologists, but certainly not by sopranos or tenors), despite the fact that they have the most boring part of anybody and often sing the same note (or in endless fifths) for an entire page. They compensate for this by singing as loudly as they can get away with - most basses are tuba players at heart. Basses are the only section that can regularly complain about how low their part is, and they make horrible faces when trying to hit very low notes. Basses are charitable people, but their charity does not extend so far as tenors, whom they consider effete poseurs. Basses hate tuning the tenors more than almost anything else. Basses like altos - - except when they have duets and the altos get the good part. As for the sopranos, they are simply in an alternate universe which the basses don't understand at all. They can't imagine why anybody would ever want to sing that high and sound that bad when they make mistakes. When a bass makes a mistake, the other three parts will cover him, and he can continue on his merry way, knowing that sometime, somehow, he will end up at the root of the chord.

+------------------- Bizarre Inventions -------------------+ 1. The Tonya Tapper - A personal security steel club named after the notorious skater; suitable for all knee whacking purposes. 2. Sweet Jesus Chocolate - Tasty milk chocolate crucifix candies that ooze red jelly when bitten. 3. Insecticide Pantyhose - Bug resistant pantyhose sure to repel spiders, cockroaches, [and probably dates.] 4. Artificial Spray-On Dirt - For the yuppie whose tired of looking wuss in his luxury S.U.V. This is sure to provide that rugged four-wheeling look. 5. Drive-Through Window at Funeral Homes - For the more somber drive-by. 6. .45 Semiautomatic Telephone - A novelty phone sure to please the darkest sense of humor. The caller must hold the gun against their head to make a call; let the fun begin. 7. Bird Diaper - For Polly when potty training is not an option. 8. Snif-T-Panties - Women's underwear with built in fragrance to capture the right mood; scents include rose, banana, pickles, pizza and, of course, whiskey.

INTERESTING ANAGRAMS "Dormitory" - Dirty Room "Desperation" - A Rope Ends It "The Morse Code" - Here Come Dots "Slot Machines" - Cash Lost in 'em "Animosity" - Is No Amity "Mother-in-law" - Woman Hitler "Snooze Alarms" - Alas! No More Z's "Alec Guinness" - Genuine Class "Semolina" - Is No Meal "The Public Art Galleries" - Large Picture Halls, I Bet "A Decimal Point" - I'm a Dot in Place "The Earthquakes" - That Queer Shake "Eleven plus two" - Twelve plus one "Contradiction" - Accord not in it "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." Anagram: "A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!" "President Clinton of the USA" Anagram: "To copulate he finds interns."

13 REASONS WHY A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN: You can buy a silencer for a handgun. You can trade a .44 for two .22's. You can have a handgun at home and another for the road. If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and let you try a few rounds with it. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup. Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. Handguns function normally every day of the month. A handgun won't ask, "Do these grips make me look fat?" A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you're done using it. You can have more than one handgun living in the same house without having problems. A handgun doesn't care how big your trigger finger is. A handgun won't tell all of its friends if you are a "little fast on the trigger"...

You know you are addicted to coffee if ... You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other people's fingernails. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. You don't sweat, you percolate. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. Instant coffee takes too long. You channel surf faster without a remote. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. You short out motion detectors. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. You help your dog chase its tail. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. You answer the door before people knock.

This from John Burnett IF WOMEN RAN THE UNIVERSITIES A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man--as well as earn an MA degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline. FIRST YEAR Autumn Schedule: MEN 101 Combating Stupidity MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas Winter Schedule: MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II ECON 001 A What's Hers is Hers Spring Schedule: MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers SECOND YEAR Autumn Schedule: SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down Elective (See Electives Below) Winter Schedule: MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1 Spring Schedule: MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary(Pass/Fail Only) MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2 Course Electives: EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly MEN 231 Mothers-in-law MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear" ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her

ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You A Straighten it B Ignore it C Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron. The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing" SOCIAL SKILLS Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction: *Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation *Important social contacts *A feeling of connectedness with other humans In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions: *Get it over with as soon as possible *Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant *Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects FASCINATION WITH GADGETS To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1) things that need to be fixed, and (2) things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys. FASHION AND APPEARANCE Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste. DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity. Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions: * Bill Gates * MacGyver * Etcetera Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day. HONESTY Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected. to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below "I won't change anything without asking you first." "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow." "I have to have new equipment to do my job." "I'm not jealous of your new computer." FRUGALITY Engineers are notoriously frugal (i.e. cheap). This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?" POWERS OF CONCENTRATION If there is one trait that best defines an engineer, it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it. RISK Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something. EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS * Hindenberg * Space Shuttle Challenger * SPANet(tm) * Hubble space telescope * Apollo 13 * Titanic * Ford Pinto * Corvair The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this: RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people. REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame. Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain. If that approach is not sufficient to halt the project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much." EGO Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers: * How smart they are * How many cool devices they own The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal-a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature. Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex. Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems." At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.

MILLENNIUM VOCABULARY The latest terms to add to your vocabulary in the Y2K office environment: * Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves. * Salmon day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end. * Chainsaw consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands. * CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. * Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. * Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week." * Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon. * 404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. Used as in: "Don't bother asking him... he's 404, man." * Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in: "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in. * Ohno-second - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. * Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. * Umfriend - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is , my... um... friend." * Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles. * Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running. * Mouse Potato: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Results of a "theories" contest sponsored by Omni magazine: GRAND PRIZE WINNER When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago. RUNNER-UP #1: If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille. RUNNER-UP #2: Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out. RUNNER-UP #3: Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate. RUNNER-UP #4: The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

GOD SURVEY God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following 8 questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions. 1. How did you find out about God? __ Newspaper __ Other Book __ Television __ Divine Inspiration __ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience __ Tabloid __ Burning Shrubbery __ Bible __ Torah __ who? (specify): _____________ 2. Which model God did you acquire? __ Yahweh __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet Bundle __ Jehovah __ Jesus __ Allah __ Satan __ God __ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god __ I don't know what you're talking about. 3. If taken in by a false god, which one were you taken in by? Please check all that apply. __ Odin __ Zeuz __ Bill Gates __ The Almighty Dollar __ Apollo __ Left Wing Liberalism __ The Radical Right __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ The great Spirit __ Cindy Crawford __ The Moon __ A burning cabbage __ Other: ________________ 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a god? Please check all that apply. __ Wanted to meet girls/boys __ Wanted to piss off parents __ Needed a day away from work __ Desperate need for certainty __ Like Organ Music __ Need to feel Morally Superior __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it __ I don't know 5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration? Please check all that apply. __ Tarot __ Lottery __ Astrology __ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers __ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics __ Palmistry __ Self-help books __ Biorhythms __ Alcohol __ Tea Leaves __ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert __ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle) __ Wandering around a desert __ Burning Shrubbery __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Barney Fife __ Other:_____________________ __ None 6. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)? a. More Divine Intervention b. Less Divine Intervention c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention? 7. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent): a. Disasters: flood 1 2 3 4 5 famine 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake 1 2 3 4 5 war 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence 1 2 3 4 5 plague 1 2 3 4 5 SPAM 1 2 3 4 5 AOL 1 2 3 4 5 b. Miracles: rescues 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water 1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5 Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever 1 2 3 4 5 8. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving (Attach an additional sheet if necessary): If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by August 30 you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approx. 1x10^256, depending on number of beings entered).

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God ... "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you did enormously help society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world; and yet you created that ghastly Windows System. You know... Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows 2000. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!" Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked. Bill responded-his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?" God says, "That was the screen saver".

YOU KNOW IT'S A "NO FRILLS" AIRLINE WHEN ... ...they don't sell tickets, they sell chances. ...all the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out. ...before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot. ...if you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back. ...you cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change. ...before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro. ...the Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas. ...when they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking. ...the Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway. ...you ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once." ...no movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes ...you see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane. ...all the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

Top 10 Reasons To Go To Work Naked 10. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your butt in here by 8:00!" 9. You can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan. 8. An inventive way to finally meet that hunk in Human Resources. 7. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants." 6. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse. 5. You want to see if it's like the dream. 4. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them. 3. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk. 2. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning. And the number 1 reason to go to work naked: 1. No one steals your chair.

HOW YOU CAN TELL WHEN IT'S GOING TO BE A BAD DAY HOW YOU CAN TELL WHEN IT'S GOING TO BE A BAD DAY 1) You wake up - face down on the pavement 2) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold 3) You see a "60 minutes" news team waiting for you in your office 4) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles 5) Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business 6) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city 7) Your twin sister forgets your birthday 8) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke. And then you realize you don't have a waterbed 9) Your carhorn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway 10) Your wife wakes up feeling amourous and YOU have a headache 11) Your boss tells you to not bother taking off you coat 12) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard 13) You wake up and your braces are locked together 14) You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business 15) Your daughter just got a job at the White House. As an intern 16) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife

People Who Should Be Phased Out (by George Carlin) ** Guy's who always harmonize the last few notes of "Happy Birthday." ** People over 40 who can't put on reading glasses without making self-conscious remarks about their advancing age. ** Guys who wink when they're kidding. ** Men who propose on the giant TV screen at a sports stadium. ** Guys in their fifties who flash me the peace sign and really mean it. ** People with a small patch of natural white hair who think it makes them look interesting. ** Guys with creases in their jeans. ** People who move their lips when I'm talking. ** Guys who want to shake my hand even though we just saw each other an hour ago. ** A celebrity couple who adopt a Third-World baby and call it Rain Forest. ** Guys who wear suits all day and think an earring makes them cool at night. ** Old people who tell me what the weather used to be where they used to live. ** Men who have one long uninterrupted eyebrow. ** Guys who wink and give the peace sign simultaneously. ** People who say, "Knock, Knock," when entering a room and "Beep Beep" when someone is in their path. ** People who have memorized a lot of TV-show theme songs and are proud of it. ** Women who think it's cute to have first names consisting solely of initials. ** People who give their house or car a name. ** People who give their genitals a name. ** Guys who can juggle, but only a little bit. ** Actors who drive race cars. ** Men who wear loafers without socks. Especially if they have creases in their jeans. ** Athletes and coaches who give more than a hundred percent. ** Guys who still smell like soap even in the late afternoon. ** Guys who wear their wristwatches on the inside of their wrists. ** Any man who wears a suit and a tie to a ball game. ** Guys who flash me the thumbs up sign. Especially if they're winking and making the peace sign with their other hand.

UNDERSTANDING YOUR PAYCHECK Gross pay: $1222.02 Income Tax -244.40 Outgo Tax -45.21 State Tax -5.89 Interstate -61.10 County Tax -6.11 City Tax -12.22 Rural Tax -4.44 Back Tax -1.11 Front Tax -1.16 Side Tax -1.61 Up Tax -2.22 Down Tax -1.11 Tic-Tacs -1.98 Thumbtacks -3.93 Carpet Tacks -0.98 Stadium Tax -0.69 Flat Tax -8.32 Surtax-3.46 Ma'am Tax -5.00 Parking Fee -2.60 No Pkg Fee -5.85 F.I.C.A. -10.00 T.G.I.F. -81.88 Life Ins. -9.95 Health Ins. -3.41 Disability -16.23 Ability -2.50 Liability Ins. -0.25 Dental Ins. - 4.50 Mental Ins. -4.33 Reassurance -0.11 Coffee -6.85 Coffee Cups Calendar -66.51 Floor Rental -3.06 Chair Rental -16.85 Desk Rental -4.32 Union Dues -5.85 Union Don'ts -3.77 Cash Advances -0.69 Cash Retreats -121.35 Overtime -1.26 Undertime - 54.83 Eastern Time -9.00 Central Time -8.00 Mntn Time - 7.00 Pacific Time -6.00 GMT -24.00 Bath Time -4.44 Time Out -12.21 Oxygen -10.02 Water - 16.54 Electricity -38.23 Heat -51.42 Air -46.83 Misc -144.38 Take Home Pay: $0000.02 [This is where the expression "just my 2 cents worth" came from...]

That Outgo tax really gets you.

Every time, it gets you...Dontcha wonder where it is outgoing?!

Jesus Genealogy Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of Jesus. Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on this subject. One by one, they offered their evidence............. THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN: 1. His first name was Jesus 2. He was bilingual 3. He was always being harassed by the authorities But then there were equally good arguments that....... JESUS WAS BLACK 1. He called everybody "brother" 2. He liked Gospel 3. He couldn't get a fair trial But then there were equally good arguments that....... JESUS WAS JEWISH 1. He went into His Father's business 2. He lived at home until he was 33 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God But then there were equally good arguments that....... JESUS WAS ITALIAN 1. He talked with his hands 2. He had wine with every meal 3. He used olive oil But then there were equally good arguments that....... JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN 1. He never cut his hair 2. He walked around barefoot 3. He started a new religion But then there were equally good arguments that....... JESUS WAS IRISH 1. He never got married 2. He was always telling stories 3. He loved green pastures But perhaps the most compelling evidence ......... THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN ..... 1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food 2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT 3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work

Helpful Hints for the Inexperienced American Traveler * Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean cruise includes the phrase "Free Ammo" * There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to need to know if you have experience in jungle warfare. * Do not board a cruise ship if passengers are being issued oars. * Legitimate travel agents do not dress in foreign military uniforms. * In South America, say no to anyone wanting you to deliver a suitcase of powdered sugar to their grandmother in Miami. * Consider very carefully visiting a country where the license plate motto is "Die American Pig"

ADVANCED DEGREES In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, junior, what are you up to?" "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the rabbit. "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!" "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?" "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour wolves." "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?" "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox. The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts.

A first grade teacher explained to he class that she is a liberal Democrat. She asked her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands exploded into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Jolene has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asked her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a liberal Democrat." Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?" "Why I'm a proud conservative Republican," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks why she is a conservative Republican. "Well I was brought up to believe in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly, "What if your Mom was a moron, and your Dad was a moron. What would you be then?" The youngster paused and smiled. "Then," said Jolene, "I'd be a liberal Democrat."

Words of Wisdom: ** The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. ** A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. ** Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. ** Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. ** A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. ** For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. ** He who hesitates is probably right. ** Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. ** No one is listening until you make a mistake. ** Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. ** The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. ** The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. ** The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. ** To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. ** Two wrongs are only the beginning. ** You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. ** Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. ** The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. ** A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. ** If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. ** Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. ** Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. ** If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. ** Attempt to get a new car for your spouse: it'll be a great trade! ** Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. ** Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. ** Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. ** Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. ** Borrow money from pessimists: they don't expect it back. ** Half the people you know are below average. ** 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

In the Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void. And darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this." And so God created Man in His own image; Male and female He created them. And God looked upon Man and Woman. And saw that they were lean and fit. And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach. And green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And so the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained five pounds. And so God created healthful yogurt, That Woman might keep her figure But the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds. And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds. And God said, Why doth thou eatest thus? "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables. And olive oil with which to cook them." But the Devil brought forth a chicken fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds. And his bad cholesterol went through the roof. And so God brought forth running shoes. And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds. And so God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy enter into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And the Devil cancelled Man's health insurance. So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body, while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another 10 pounds. And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva chocolate, and upon returning asked Man, "Do I look fat?" And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did. And Woman went out from the presence of Man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, East of the marriage counsellor. And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

Thank you, Ginny, for this: 19 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN by Dave Barry 1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings". 3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. 6. You should not confuse your career with your life. 7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. 8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. 9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 10. Never lick a steak knife. 11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie. 12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. 13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. 14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11. 16. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that WE are above average drivers. 17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them. 18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. 19. Your friends love you, anyway.

Success (in a nutshell) At age 4, success is: not peeing your pants. At age 12, success is: having friends. At age 20, success is: interest in the opposite sex. At age 35, success is: making money. At age 60, success is: interest in the opposite sex. At age 70, success is: having friends. At age 80, success is: not peeing your pants

Driving rules in Dallas 1. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the construction barrels. Bonus points are awarded for: (A) getting out of your car and moving the barrels (B) straddling both lanes to block the jerks behind you 2. Turn signals provide clues to your next move in the road battle, so don't use them. 3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, no matter how fast you're going. If you do, the space will be filled in by some clueless jerk, putting you in an even more dangerous situation. 4. The faster you drive through a red light, the less your chances of getting hit. 5. If you have a green light while at least 100 yards from an intersection, you can go on through, even if the light changes to red before you get there. 6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible, to insure that your anti lock braking system kicks in. This will give you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. 7. Construction signs are very carefully and thoughtfully positioned to tell you about road closures immediately after you pass your last opportunity to exit, but just before the traffic comes to a complete halt. 8. The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information, but just to tell time and make Dallas look progressive. 9. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. Passing on the shoulder is actually encouraged. That's why they're paved. 10. Speed limits are arbitrary figures to make Texas look as if it conforms with other states' policies; these are intended only as suggestions and are actually unenforceable. 11. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot. 12. Please remember there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush hour traffic on I-35 or the I-75 Central Expressway. 13. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even a person changing a tire. It could be someone you know. 14. Learn to swerve abruptly. Dallas is the home of very high speed slalom driving, thanks to the City Fathers, who put potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes. Parts of truck tires are left on new highways (where potholes haven't yet been established) for the same purpose. 15. It is considered correct in Dallas to honk your horn at drivers who don't move the instant the light changes, unless that driver is on the phone. See #18. 6. Eye contact with another driver automatically revokes your right of way. 17. Making rude gestures may invite armed retaliation. Be sure your combat shotgun is on the gun rack in the rear window (and therefore visible), rather than lying on the seat. 18. If you drive while using a cell phone, none of the usual rules apply, and you always have the right of way. 19. You don't have to wait for an exit to get off a freeway. Just follow the ruts in the grass to the frontage road like everybody else. This is how Dallas residents notify the Texas Department of Transportation where exits should have been built.

YOU HAVE BEEN INFECTED WITH THE HONOR VIRUS! Since I'm too lazy to program a real virus, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard disk drive. Then forward this message to everyone you know... Thank you for your cooperation.

Thank Gi for this contribution: WOMEN Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable. Women come in all sizes, in all colours and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with. MEN Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders.

Some Quick Thinking A feisty 70 year-old woman had to call a furnace repairman. After a quick inspection, the man put some oil into the motor and handed her a $70 bill for labor. "Labor charges! One hour?" she exclaimed. "It only took you five minutes!" The repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call. "Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor," the lady responded, and she handed him a rake. The repairman spent the next 55 minutes in her yard bagging leaves.

Things My Mother Taught Me My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!" My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why." My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about." My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!" My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!" My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished." My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room." My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?" My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!" My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your father!" My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!" THANKS, MOM!

Some funny Headlines: "Infertility unlikely to be passed on" --Montgomery Advertiser "Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men" --The Sunday Oregonian "Man shoots neighbor with machete" --The Miami Herald "Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear" --Journal of Commerce "Some phone psychics provide useless, erroneous information" --StatenIsland Sunday Advance "Iowa moves back to Pittsburgh" --The Flint Journal "Chick Accuses Some of Her Male Colleagues of Sexism": --The Los Angeles Times

You Know You're from Texas When You only know five spices: salt, pepper, Ranch dressing, BBQ Sauce, and ketchup. You design your Halloween costume to fit over Wranglers and Cowboy Boots. The mosquitoes have landing lights. You have more miles on your tractor than your car. You have 10 favorite recipes for Deer meat. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating when it was 90 degrees outside. Driving is better after it's rained because the potholes are filled with mud and you don't have to take those backroads to go "mudding." You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons. You owe more money on your bulldozer than your car. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for local sports. You can write a check at Dairy Queen for 2 Hungr-Busters and fries. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun. Your leaf-blower gets stuck on the roof. You think the start of Deer season is a national holiday. You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the coyotes won't prowl on your deck. You know which leaves make good toilet paper. The major county fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making. You find 70 degrees Fahrenheit a little chilly. The trunk of your car doubles as a sauna. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry, and your Cowboy Boots. You know 4 seasons - Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer and Deer Season You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Texan friends.

Thank you, Ginny!!! The Lesser Known Gods And Demi-Gods Of Greece: Listed below are a selected list of many of the lesser-known gods and demi-gods of Greece that have apparently been ignored or forgotten by historians for various and sundry reasons. Some of these gods were obviously important and useful in everday life habits, others apparently had no redeeming value whatsoever, but somehow achieved god- or goddesshood. Arabinose - one of the Sugar Gods. Brother of Fructose and Glucose. These three together were known as the gods of dessert [not to be confused with their father, Pancreas, the Demi-god of Dessert - see below]. Singly, but more often in threes, these largely overweight gods waddled through the countryside helping themselves to baklava and other sweet Greek pastries, often to the surprise and dismay of the citizens of the unfortunate towns and small villages they encountered. Aroma - Demi-god of Aftershave. Aroma never attained real god status and was a mere mortal. Apparently, or so the story goes, Aroma caused much irritation among the other gods because of the heavy amounts of pungent aftershave he wore each day around Mount Olympus. His smell caused so much consternation among the other Greek gods that he was soon shunned to Isle de Brut, off the coast of France, where he was left to die. However, he soon was able to fashion a raft out of used aftershave bottles and floated to Germany and eventually made his way to Cologne, where he lived out the remainder of his mortal life. Chlorox - Demi-god of Laundry. Chlorox was at one time a highly exalted god on Mount Olympus. His hand-washing methods were unparalleled and he was admired by all who employed his talents as the God of Laundry. He was doing great, well... that is, until the god Maytag appeared. Maytag immediately challenged Chlorox to a duel. They were both to take on the underwear laundry of Zeus. Chlorox used a bleaching action; Maytag used some new fangled machine action. It was doom for Chlorox. Not only did Chlorox lose to Maytag, but the bleach caused some problems with some of Zeus's colored bikini briefs. As a result, Chlorox was relegated to be sold on supermarket shelves for eternity, while Maytag was rewarded by Zeus with never having to worry about repair problems. Corolla - God of Compacts. Corolla was far ahead of his time, but never made it big with the major Olympian goddesses due to his small size. They all wanted a full-size god and Corolla could never match up. The Greek goddesses always compared him (unfairly) with the Amer-Indian gods, Buick and Cadillac. He maintained that he could far outlast Buick or Cadillac in any competition that dealt with endurance, but the goddesses didn't care. They were more interested in size than quality. Corolla eventually left Mount Olympus and travelled to the Far East, where he ended up in Japan. At least there, size did not matter. Diabetes - Goddess of Ice Cream. Mother of the sugar gods, Arabinose, Fructose, and Glucose. Diabetes hardly worked, and was often seen either sleeping or eating sweets of all kinds. Diarrhea - Goddess of Bad Water. Daughter of Peristalsis, q.v. She never married, or really did much of anything. Her pitiful eternal life was spent in the bathroom. Dyslexia - Goddess of Spelling. Unfortunately, Dyslexia failed as a goddess. Upon gaining goddesshood, Dyslexia was asked by Zeus to choose a subject for which she could be revered by Greeks for all time. She chose spelling, but had a terrible time accomplishing much in that endeavor. Though she was the Goddess of Spelling for only a very brief period, she was in that position of authority long enough to have forever established certain conventions that have endured for eons. Some of these include establishing the Greek alphabet which, like Cyrillic, is totally undecipherable to most mortals. She is also known for coining the phrase "It's Greek to me" when asked by the other gods and goddesses what a particular word meant that she created. Egregious - God of Errors. Though he spent virtually all his life with the other gods and goddesses on Mount Olympus, he is rumored to have left for a short vacation to the south of France where he met and had an affair with the French goddess, Faux Pas. Egregious was one of the smartest gods on Mount Olympus. In fact, many thought he might be as smart as Zeus, though no one would ever admit this publicly. However, his unfortunate habit of making so many mistakes kept him from becoming one of tha better-known gods. When asked how someone so smart could make so many stupid mistakes, his reply was always "You learn from your mistakes. Obviously, I've made so MANY mistakes, I've become a genius!" Melanoma - God of Tanning. Often seen away from Mount Olympus and down along the sandy beaches of southern Greece, Melanoma could have been ranked up there with the other major gods of his time. He was strong, handsome, and had a body that attracted all the goddesses. His only major fault was getting involved with the mortal Macedonian strip queen, Ultra Violet. The two of them constantly played naked in the sun along the Greek shoreline. Zeus, upon seeing Melanoma cavorting with a non- Olympian, decided to punish him by taking away his immortality. This didn't seem to bother Melanoma at first and he continued to associate with Ultra Violet and played in the buff each day. Soon though, Melanoma started to notice small dark patches on his skin that eventually became cancerous. He died a quick, but horrible death, with Ultra Violet at his side till the very end. Ozone - God of Memory. Ozone was another failed god. Upon attaining godhood, Zeus asked Ozone to choose the subject for which he would be revered for all time. He chose Memory. To celebrate his attaining full godliness, Ozone married his school sweetheart, Amnesia. However, their foggy relationship soon resulted in the complete loss of all the records of all the great gods on Mount Olympus. Zeus retaliated by immediately expelling Ozone to Southern California, where he was held prisoner in the dreaded "Inversion Layer" along with the evil nether-world dragon- god of progress and technology, Smog. Pancreas - Demi-god of Dessert. Father of the sugar gods, Arabinose, Fructose, and Glucose. Pancreas was a short-lived god who spent most of his time on coffee breaks eating donuts. His marriage to Diabetes was no help to him at all and he died soon after they had their three sons. Zirconia - Goddess of Costume Jewelry. Often in direct competition with the goddesses Titanium and Platinum, Zirconia was pretty much always relegated to being allowed only to attend the lesser parties on Mount Olympus at which the great gods and goddesses were rarely present. As a result, Zirconia was subsequently ignored by most historians and now only shows up on the backs of magazines for really cheap prices.

Newspaper Readers The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country. The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't understand the Washington Post. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country, as long as they do something scandalous. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.

Ginny, the Lesser Known Gods and Demi-gods of Ancient Greece was just too funny. It was great.

Cheryl, I tried reading it aloud to the house male and fell on the bed in helpless and incoherent laughter. He just shook his head in dismay. OH well... TEXAS SAYINGS 1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it. 2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows. 3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. 4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals & ammunition & bait in the same store. 5. Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive. 6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?" 7. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle. 8. If you hear a redneck exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say. 9. Get used to the phrase "It's not the heat, it's the humidity." And the collateral phrase "You call this hot? Wait'll August." 10. There ain't no deli's. Don't ask. 11. In conversation, never put your hand on a man's shoulder when making a point, especially in a bar. 12. Chili does NOT have beans in it. 13. Brisket is not "cooked" in an oven. 14. Don't tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares. 15. If you think it's too hot, don't worry. It'll cool down -- in December. 16. We do TOO have 4 Seasons: December, January, February, and Summer! 17. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F-150 is. 18. If someone tells you "Don't worry, those peppers aren't hot," you can be certain they are. 19. If you fail to heed the warning in #18, be sure to have a bowl of guacamole handy. Water won't do it. 20. Rocky Mountain oysters are NOT oysters. Don't ask. 21. If someone says they're fixin to do something, that doesn't mean anything's broken. 22. Don't even think of ordering a strawberry daiquiri. What you really mean to say is "margarita." 23. If you don't understand our passion for college and high school football, just keep your mouth shut. 24. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but the availability of shade. 25. If you are a slow-moving vehicle on a two-lane road, pull onto the shoulder. That is called courtesy. 26. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hot dogs outdoors. 27. No matter what you've seen on TV, line dancing is not a popular weekend pastime. 28. Tea = Iced Tea. There is no other kind. 29. Everything goes better with Ranch dressing.

THINGS DOGS MUST TRY TO REMEMBER THE GARBAGE COLLECTOR IS NOT STEALING OUR STUFF. I DO NOT NEED TO SUDDENLY STAND STRAIGHT UP WHEN I'M LYING UNDER THE COFFEE TABLE. I WILL NOT ROLL MY TOYS BEHIND THE FRIDGE. I MUST SHAKE THE RAINWATER OUT OF MY FUR BEFORE ENTERING THE HOUSE. I WILL NOT EAT THE CATS' FOOD, BEFORE OR AFTER THEY EAT IT. I WILL STOP TRYING TO FIND THE FEW REMAINING PIECES OF CLEAN CARPET IN THE HOUSE WHEN I AM ABOUT TO GET SICK. I WILL NOT THROW UP IN THE CAR. I WILL NOT ROLL ON DEAD SEAGULLS, FISH, CRABS, ETC. "KITTY BOX CRUNCHIES" ARE NOT FOOD. I WILL NOT EAT ANY MORE SOCKS AND THEN REDEPOSIT THEM IN THE BACKYARD AFTER PROCESSING. THE DIAPER PAIL IS NOT A COOKIE JAR. I WILL NOT CHEW MY HUMAN'S TOOTHBRUSH AND NOT TELL THEM. I WILL NOT CHEW CRAYONS OR PENS, ESPECIALLY NOT THE RED ONES, OR MY PEOPLE WILL THINK I AM HEMORRHAGING. WHEN IN THE CAR, I WILL NOT INSIST ON HAVING THE WINDOW ROLLED DOWN WHEN IT'S RAINING OUTSIDE. WE DO NOT HAVE A DOORBELL. I WILL NOT BARK EACH TIME I HEAR ONE ON TV. I WILL NOT STEAL MY MOM'S UNDERWEAR AND DANCE ALL OVER THE BACK YARD WITH IT. THE SOFA IS NOT A FACE TOWEL. NEITHER ARE MOM & DAD'S LAPS. MY HEAD DOES NOT BELONG IN THE REFRIGERATOR. I WILL NOT BITE THE OFFICER'S HAND WHEN HE REACHES IN FOR MOM'S DRIVER'S LICENSE AND CAR REGISTRATION. I WILL NOT PLAY TUG-OF-WAR WITH DAD'S UNDERWEAR WHEN HE'S ON THE TOILET.

RULES OF THE AIR 1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory. 2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again. 3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous. 4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here. 5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. 6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating. 7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky. 8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again. 9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself. 10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp. 11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa. 12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier. 13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds. 14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made. 15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are. 16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck. 17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them. 18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be. 19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. 20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment. 21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible. 22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed. 23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal. 24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

New measurements Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: EskimoPi 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Wonton 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1microscope Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1billigram Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 liteyear 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 RodSerling Half of a large intestine: 1semicolon 1000 aches: 1megahurtz Basic unit of laryngitis: 1hoarsepower Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line 453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake 1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone 1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles 365.25 days: 1 unicycle 2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds 10 cards: 1 decacards 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 FigNewton 1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche 1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin 10 rations: 1 decoration 100 rations: 1 C-ration 2 monograms: 1 diagram 8 nickels: 2 paradigms 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V.League 100 Senators: Not 1 decision

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTH LEVEL OF INSANITY 1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) 3) Insist that your e mail address is: Xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or Elvis-the-King@companyname.com 4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. 6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN." 7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. 8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.' 10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think." 11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy." 12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way. 13) Don't use any punctuation 14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 15) Ask people what sex they are. 16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 17) Sing Along at the opera. 18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. 19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.) 20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom. 21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. 22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. 23) Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies. 24) Call the psychic hotline and just say, "Guess" 25) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard. 26) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!" 27) When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!" 28) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do" 29) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go" 30) Everytime you see a broom yell "Honey, your mother is here"

If men truly ran the world . . . Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it. Birth control would come in ale or lager. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month. Garbage would take itself out. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle". Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps". Tanks would be far easier to rent. Two words..."Ally McNaked". When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off". People would never talk about how fresh they felt. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!". When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you". The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right Into your car like Fred Flintstone. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

THINGS I WISH I'D KNOWN BEFORE I WENT OUT IN THE REAL WORLD 1. Never give yourself a haircut after three martinis. 2. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 3. When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste. 4. Never continue dating anyone whom is rude to the waiter. 5. Good sex should involve laughter. Because it's, you know, funny! 6. A person needs only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape. 7. Never ride a motorcycle when you're drunk. 8. Never pass up an opportunity to use the bathroom. 9. Work is good but it's not important!

*****T-Shirt Sayings***** - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. - A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. - Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. - Put on your seatbelt... I wanna try something. - The Universe is a figment of its own imagination. - There's no future in time travel. - Tonight's weather: Dark with continued darkness until dawn. - Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! - If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? - Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface. - Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. - A day without sunshine is like night. - There are three kinds of people: Those who can count; those who can't. - Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? - What happens if you get scared half to death twice? - Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. - Chocolate: the OTHER major food group. - If you can't convince them, confuse them. - Death is hereditary. - I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. - I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. - Multitasking - screwing up several things at once. - Beat the 5 o'clock rush - Leave work at noon! - I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. - Arachibutyrophobia: fear of peanut butter sticking to roof of mouth. - Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. - Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. - Polynesia: memory loss in parrots. - A good pun is its own reword. - Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them. - I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure. - I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. - Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? - Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! - To err is human, to moo bovine. - For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. - Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate. - Man who smoke pot choke on handle. - Kurt Cobain Soft Drink: it's extremely bitter and it has no head. - MicroSloth: "Bringing you ten-year-old technology, tomorrow, maybe." - How does Teflon stick to the pan? - OK, so what's the speed of dark? - Teacher: "Simon, can you say your name backwards?" Simon: "No Mis" - Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? - Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! - Black holes are where God divided by zero. - All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. - Mary had a little lamb....and Mulder was determined to find out why. - There's an exception to every rule, except this one. - In Dog Years I'm Dead - I am Woman, I am invincible, I am tired - Age and Treachery will always Overcome Youth and Skill - TEAM EFFORT Is a lot of people doing what I say - I'm not unemployed, I'm a consultant

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. (P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION (P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement (S) Almost replaced left inside main tire (P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough, (S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft (P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid, (S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4propellers lack normal seepage (P) Something loose in cockpit (S) Something tightened in cockpit (P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear (S) Evidence removed (P) DME volume unbelievably loud (S) Volume set to more believable level (P) Dead bugs on windshield (S) Live bugs on order (P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a200 fpm descent (S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground (P) IFF inoperative (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick (S) That's what they're there for (P) Number three engine missing (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search (P) Aircraft handles funny (S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "flyright" and be serious (P) Target Radar hums (S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words

earn money by reading email on the net??!! @themail.com Get paid to read email... well, that's what this site is trying to promote. You get a free email account, and then you have to try to persuade other people to join TheMail and use their email account. Every time the people you refer send a message, you earn $0.0025 (no, that's not a mistake, it's really as low as 1/4 cent!). For every email read by people your referrals refer, you'll get $0.0005. Since the minimum payment level is $30, the chances you'll ever get paid are astronomically small - so treat this as a normal free email service and forget the earning money nonsense that goes along with it!

loved the maintenance complaints ..I know just who to send that to!!!!!!

*grin* Yup!!! Signs Found in Kitchens 1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious. 2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 3. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. 4. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap. 5. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 6. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 7. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. 8. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. 9. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out. 10. Housework done properly can kill you. 11. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. 12. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

An Internet Fairy Tale Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. The Executive Branch said someone may steal from it at night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired a person for the job. Then the Executive Branch said, How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two (2) people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12 and one person to do time studies, GS-11. Then the Executive Branch said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Q. C. position and hired two (2) people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports. Then the Executive Branch said, "How are these people going to get paid?" so they created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two (2) people. Then the Executive Branch said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative position and hired three (3) people, an Admin. Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin. Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08. Then the Executive Branch said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $280,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost," So they laid off the night watchman.

In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms. ------------------------------------------------------------ On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, NM, an incident they say has been covered up by the military. On March 31, 1948, exactly nine months after that day, Al Gore was born. That clears up a lot of things.

That explains it!

The Bell Curve of Life: At age 4...success is....not peeing in your pants. At age 12...success is....having friends. At age 16...success is....having a drivers license. At age 20...success is....having sex. At age 35...success is....having money. At age 50...success is....having money. At age 60...success is....having sex. At age 70...success is....having a drivers license. At age 75...success is....having friends. At age 80...success is....not peeing in your pants.

GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. 1. How did you find out about your deity? __ Newspaper __ Bible __ Torah __ Television __ Book of Mormon __ Divine Inspiration __ Dead Sea Scrolls __ Near Death Experience __ Near Life Experience __ National Public Radio __ Tabloid __ Burning Shrubbery __ Other (specify): _____________ 2. Which model deity did you acquire? __ Jehovah __ Jesus __ Krishna __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak] __ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak] __ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak] __ Allah __ Satan __ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature __ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer) __ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin) __ None of the above (taken in by a false god) 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? __ Yes __ No If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply: __ Not eternal __ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos __ Not omniscient __ Not omnipotent __ Permits sex outside of marriage __ Prohibits sex outside of marriage __ Makes mistakes __ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people __ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people __ When beseeched, He doesn't stay beseeched 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply. __ Indoctrinated by parents __ Needed a reason to live __ Indoctrinated by society __ Needed focus in whom to despise __ Imaginary friend grew up __ Hate to think for myself __ Wanted to meet girls/boys __ Fear of death __ Wanted to piss off parents __ Needed a day away from work __ Desperate need for certainty __ Like organ music __ Need to feel morally superior __ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool __ Shit was falling out of the sky __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it 5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply. __ Baal __ The Almighty Dollar __ Left Wing Liberalism __ The Radical Right __ Beelzebub __ Bill Gates __ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur __ The Great Spirit __ The Great Pumpkin __ The Sun __ The Moon __ Elvis __ Other: ________________ 6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply. __ Tarot __ Lottery __ Astrology __ Television __ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers __ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics __ Palmistry __ Alcohol __ Amway __ CompuServe __ Jimmy Swaggert __ Wandering around a desert __ Insurance policies __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Other:_____________________ 7. God attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent): a. Disasters: 1 2 3 4 5 flood 1 2 3 4 5 famine 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake 1 2 3 4 5 war 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence 1 2 3 4 5 plague 1 2 3 4 5 Spam 1 2 3 4 5 AOLers b. Miracles: 1 2 3 4 5 rescues 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over jerkwater towns 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water 1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever 8. From time to time God makes available the names and addresses of His followers and devotees to selected divine personages who provide quality services and perform intercessions on His behalf. Are you interested in a compilation of listed offerings? __ Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for the benefit of my immortal soul __ No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious fanatics clamoring for my money 9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary)

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car? Why is there a road sign that says "Braille Institute, Next Exit"? Can atheists get insurance for acts of God? If procrastinators had a club, would they ever have a meeting? If the No. 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still No. 2? Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here and there? When you go into a hotel, you always see reception. Why do you never just see ception? If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously? If genetic scientists crossed a chicken with a zebra, would they get a four-legged chicken with its own bar code? If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice? Why is there always one in every crowd? If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit? Who decided "Hotpoint" would be a good name for a company that sells refrigerators? How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

TECHNOLOGICALLY CHALLENGED Just in case you think you are TC ("Technologically Challenged"). The following is an excerpt from an article in the Wall Street journal: 1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where is the "Any" key. 2. AST Technical support has a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. 3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. The customer had stuck labels on the diskettes, then rolled them into his typewriter to type on the labels. 4. Another customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later, a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies. 5. A Dell technician advised a customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room. 6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the tech discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key. 7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling a tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washed them individually. 8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally. 9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had tried turning the computer screen to face the printer, but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer. 10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse. 11. Another customer called a Compaq Tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen, When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What Power switch?" 12. True story from a Novel Net Wire sysop: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you? Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer," Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive This as part of a promotional, at a trade show?" Caller: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it!" At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He Was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM Drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive! 13. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with that disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first. THERE NOW, DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER!

I feel better.

*laugh* This May Explain A Lot New research indicates that incompetent people tend not to know they are incompetent. Not only that, they also tend to be very confident that they know what they're doing -- even more confident of their own competence than people who really do know what they're doing. The New York Times reports that Cornell University psychology professor David Dunning reached those conclusions in a study he conducted with a graduate student, and wrote about his findings in the December 1999 issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. The researchers concluded that one reason incompetent people do not know how much they do not know, is that the cognitive skills required to be competent are also required for recognizing actual competence. Researcher Justin Kruger told the Times that the incompetence of incompetent people "robs them of their ability to realize" they have a problem. It also makes it difficult for incompetent folks to recognize competence in others. By the way, the researchers say they also noticed that people who can't tell a joke tend not to realize that they're not funny -- and as a result they persist in telling jokes badly. -From the National Association of Science Writers

By the way, my source of the Technologically Challenged got his copy from an employee of Samsung...

Every time a new pope is elected, there are a lot of rituals and ceremonies that have to be gone through, in accordance with tradition. Well, there's one tradition that very few people know about. Shortly after the new pope is enthroned, the chief rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the pope's presence, whereupon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope. The pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The chief rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next pope is elected. John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the chief rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the chief rabbi turned to leave, he called him back. "My brother," the pope whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?" The chief rabbi shrugs and replies: "But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history." The pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret." The chief rabbi agreed. Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the chief rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both gasped with shock. It was the check for the last supper.

For my Birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of private lessons at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape,I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Tony,who identified himself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress: Monday: Started my day at 6:00 AM. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Tony waiting for me. He is something of a God with blonde hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. (WOO HOO!!!) Tony gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to all those ripplingmuscles.(I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his weight training class after my own workout today. Very inspiring.) Tony was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Tony made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air...then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Tony's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!!! It's a whole new life for me. Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Geo in the club lot. Tony was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. (His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning, and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.) My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Tony put me on the stair master. (Why in HELL would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?) Tony told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too. Thursday: Tony was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. (I couldn't help being a half hour late. It took that long for me to tie my fricking shoes.) Tony took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the Ladies' room. He sent Barbie to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine which I sank. Friday: I hate that SUCKER Tony more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. (Stupid, skinny,puffed-up peacock.) If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Tony wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me fricking barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you ttended and graduated magna cum laude from, you Nazi Punk.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and P.E. teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? Saturday: Tony left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength even to use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the weather channel. Sunday: I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the prick) will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a mammogram.

NEW TV SHOW Hey, did you hear about the new Texas version of the TV show,"Survivor?" You have to drive from San Antonio to Dallas with a bumper sticker that says: "I'm a queer...and I'm here to take your guns away from you."

This is current affairs to me now. I suddenly have a missing man and suddenly I am much smarter than I was last week Thrusday. Talk about weekends from Hell. I've had mine and not gonna do THAT again. Anyione care to be friends with this hurting person?? I am nice, gently, compassionate and honest... BEDTIME PRAYER Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong. He's not afraid to admit when he is wrong. One who thinks before he speaks. When he promises to call, he doesn't wait 6 weeks. I pray that he is gainfully employed, won't lose his cool when he's annoyed. Pulls out my chair & opens my door, massages my back & begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind. Knows just what to say when I ask "How fat is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And would never compare me with my best girlfriend. Thank You in advance and now I'll just wait, for I know You will send him before it's too late. Amen

MEMO FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: Everyone RE: Christmas Party DATE: December 1 I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 2 RE: Christmas Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now? FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 3 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 7 RE: Holiday Party What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything? FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 8 RE: Holiday Party So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay??? FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director Date: December 9 RE: Holiday Party People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up? FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 10 RE: Holiday Party Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your damn salad bar, including hydroponics tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now! FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: December 14 RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Thank you for your time,

- Handy Latin Phrases - Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat. It's not the heat, it's the humidity. Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit! God, look at the time! My wife will kill me! Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre? Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me? Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est. The designated hitter rule has got to go. Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare. I think some people in togas are plotting against me. Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris. If Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar. Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari? How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? (At a barbeque) Animadvertistine, ubicumque stes, fumum recta in faciem ferri? Ever noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right into your face? Neutiquam erro. I am not lost. Hocine bibo aut in eum digitos insero? Do I drink this or stick my fingers in it? Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur. Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out.

TRUISMS All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat, though. If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down. Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either. I don't have a license to kill but I do have a learner's permit. He who dies with the most toys is still dead. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes. "Time is fun when you're having flies." Kermit the Frog Red meat is not bad for you, but fuzzy green meat is. Toilet stolen from police station. Cops have nothing to go on. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem. A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party. When blondes have more fun, do they know it? Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no. The statement below is true. The statement above is false. If you think there is good in everybody, then you obviously haven't met everybody. Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career. Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks. Remember: First you pillage, THEN you burn. To err is human. To forgive is against company policy. Corduroy pillows are making headlines. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs. Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake. Half the people in the world are below average. Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Strip mining prevents forest fires. A picture may be worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times more memory! If a thing is worth doing, wouldn't it have been done already? If we weren't meant to eat animals, why are they made of meat? Ham and eggs: Just a day's work for a chicken, but a lifetime commitment for a pig.

Things to do in Office Meetings Subject: Things to do in Office Meetings Importance: High 1. Take notes in finger paint. 2. At sensitive moments, blow your nose raucously. Apologize for your sinus condition. 3. Laugh uproariously at a quip that was made 2 or 3 minutes ago. Say, "Oh, now I get it!" 4. Wear a disposable paper face mask. Tell the group: "Hey, you don't want to catch what I've got!" 5. Check your watch very regularly, every 30 seconds or so. 6. Make a face like somebody beside you farted. 7. Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the real reason this meeting has been called. 8. Slowly slump in your seat. When you are about to fall off the chair, suddenly straighten up. Apologize profusely. 9. Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table. 10. Bring a noisy electric pencil sharpener. Sharpen your pencil every few minutes. 11. Complain loudly that your neighbor won't stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it. 12. Have someone deliver a large cardboard box to you in the conference room. Apologize while you sign for it. About half an hour later, have a different person deliver another one. 13. Remove your shoes and socks. Lay your socks on the table, turn each one inside out, and inspect them carefully. If anyone says anything, tell them "doctor's orders." 14. Roll your eyes at almost everything the boss says. If addressed directly, adopt a cowering posture and stammer pitifully as you reply. Ask that he or she "not hurt you anymore." 15. During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm. 16. Bring a huge jar of Vaseline to the meeting. Display it prominently. 17. Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming. 18. Every so often, duck under the table. Stare in horror. Pop back up and look real scared. 19.Rubberneck at the notes of the person next to you. Copy them word for word. Subvocalize as you do. Tell them that they "understand these things better than you do." 20. Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points. 21. Take your temperature every so often with a candy thermometer. 22. Distribute free condoms before or after the meeting. 23. Make all the stereotyped facial expressions to indicate that you are a psychiatrist administering psychoanalysis to the speaker. Take notes furiously. 24. Bring a pitcher of non-alcoholic beer to the meeting. As the meeting progresses, start slurring your speech. Belch loudly. Tell your co-workers you can't help it. Start crying. 25. Have a timer that buzzes at intervals. When it goes off, take a pill from a pill case and gulp it down. If anyone asks, tell them it's to "prevent the seizures." 26. Lapse into a staring coma. Drool. Have a confederate wipe the spit from your lips, and say "It's pitiful. But what can you do?" 27. At opportune times, stick an inhaler in your ear. Inhale deeply. 28. Ask your neighbor, nearer the speaker, to trade places with you "so you can hear better." Gradually work your way up to the speaker. When you are as close as possible, stare up at them adoringly. After a while, change your expression to a frown, sigh heartbreakingly, and begin to stare into space. 29. Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it. 30. Wear shades and carry a walkie-talkie with an earphone. Once in a while, quietly say a few words into it. 31. Bring a doughnut cushion and use it. If anybody asks, say that your hemorrhoids are really acting up this week. Offer to share it if they really need it. Be embarrassingly persistent in your offer. Offer to show them how bad they are. 32. Wear brightly-colored earmuffs. Explain that "my ears tend to get real cold at these meetings." Ask the speaker to please talk a little louder. 33. Stand up and start doing the Macarena. Forcibly wrestle yourself back into your chair. Look real embarrassed. Tell everybody "My doctor's appointment is tomorrow." 34. Bring a large box of Depends to the meeting. Stow them under the conference table. Explain to a neighbor: "Just in case." 35. Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say "uh-huh, uh-huh!" 36. Bring a few telephone books. Add a few to sit on, adjusting your seat height until the top of your head is exactly one-half inch higher than the speaker's. Explain that you sometimes have trouble seeing the presentation. 37. Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room. 38. Play a game of jacks on the conference table. Explain that it helps you concentrate. 39. When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, "Well, here's the way I see it, J.B..." (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.) 40. Have a friend who does not work at your company accompany you to the meeting wearing bib overalls. Explain that it is National Take-a-Hick-to-work Week. Have him occasionally make an inappropriate comment or ask a stupid question. Tell him to keep quiet, and apologize to the group. If possible, have him bring his own spittoon, and chew tobacco and spit throughout the meeting.

This is a prescription not to ever get invited to meetings again!

Perhaps that is the point?!

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?" ~~~~~~~~~~ It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?" ~~~~~~~~~~ While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!" ~~~~~~~~~~ A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning." ~~~~~~~~~~ To close each day's activities in summer and on holidays in the Magic Kingdom at Walt Disney World at Lake Buena Vista, Fla., a huge fireworks display lights up the sky. One night I noticed a small boy about three years old perched on his father's shoulder. The child sat mesmerized, aware only of what was exploding in the heavens. When the fireworks were over, the little boy looked up into the sky again and said, "Thank you, God." ~~~~~~~~~~ My best lesson in child psychology came when I saw our five-year- old, Steven, roughly jerking our toy poodle's leash. Suddenly his fuming father appeared and asked, "Do you want to tell me how sorry you are?" "I don't know how much you saw!" Steven stammered. ~~~~~~~~~~ When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peekaboo and other games slowly took their toll. One evening she smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor. I rushed to her side and asked where it hurt. She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, "It's the piggy that ate roast beef." ~~~~~~~~~~ We had spent the day moving from our farmhouse into our new house in town. Early the next morning, our 3 1/2-year-old ran into our bedroom to wake us up. I dressed him and told him to play in the yard and to quit bothering us. About 20 minutes later, he came running back. "Mommy, Mommy," he exclaimed, "everybody has doorbells - and they all work." ~~~~~~~~~~ One day Mother sent my little brother to the post office to mail a letter. A few minutes later he came back with a suspicious smile on his face. "What happened?" my mother asked. "I just fooled the people at the post office. When no one was looking, I dropped the letter into the box without buying any stamps." ~~~~~~~~~~ A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write - and they won't let me talk!"

Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2000 07:32:36 -0800 From: Modern Humorist Subject:TAKE BACK FLORIDA! I know I haven't talked to many of you in years except to send mass e-mails (btw, is Emily really two already? It seems like only yesterday that I thought about calling you that time when she was born), but this e-mail is REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT. We must make our voices heard in Florida -- almost as if we lived there! That's why a new Web page has been set up to send e-mail directly to Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris. If you've ever signed an online petition before, you know how successful they are! If you've never signed an online petition, this is the one to start with! http://www.modernhumorist.com/mh/0011/petition/ Like other direct action Web sites, the goal of this one is not merely to persuade you to change your long distance service, but to make it easy for you to share your opinion. You don�t even have to come up with your opinion yourself -- just sign one of the pre-written letters. http://www.modernhumorist.com/mh/0011/petition/

GEORGE CARLIN-ISMS How come wrong numbers are never busy? Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"? Does that screwdriver belong to Philip? Can a stupid person be a smart-ass? Does killing time damage eternity? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? Why is it that night falls but day breaks? Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand? Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors? Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop? Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it? Did Noah keep his bees in archives? Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans? Do pilots take crash-courses? Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool? How can there be self-help "groups"? How do you get off a non-stop flight? How do you write zero in Roman numerals? How many weeks are there in a light year? If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe? If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them? If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do? If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots? Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child? Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot? Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why do 'fat chance' and 'slim chance' mean the same thing? Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow hips change places

*WITH APOLOGIES TO CHARLIES DANIELS* (forwarded by John Burnett) The devil went down to Florida, he was lookin' for some votes to steal He was in a bind 'cuz he was way behind and he was willin' to make a deal. When he came across his brother sittin' in the mansion and playing it cool And the devil piped up to his brother and said "Jeb, they know that I'm a fool. And Pappy's gonna kill us if we don't do like he says And I'm ascared, if this votes fair, they won't make me the Prez. Now here's the way we'll fiddle it, Jeb, to give your brother his due Blacks young and old, we'll stop them cold, from gettin' their ballots through" Then Jeb said, "I'm the Guvner, and it's against the law But I'll save your hide and the family pride, 'cause this one here's for Pa!" Jebbie call some Cubans up and start to fiddle hard 'Cause Hell's broke loose in Florida, and the devil needs some cards And if you double-punch enough your brother's sure to win. And if he don't, then come up with some spin... Jeb, he opened up a case and then as if by rote Fire flew from his fingertips as he punched a double vote He pulled on Pat Buchanan's chad and it made an evil hiss. And a band of Cubans joined in behind Katherine Harris... And then when Jebbie finished, he said, "You can now fill Pappy's shoes, So get some slaw with Ma and Pa and y'all can watch it on the news." Then the story broke on CNN Maybe they should count the votes again Double punched ballots and Jim Crow Granny, did your vote count? No, child no Then Pappy slapped him 'cross the face, cause he knew that he got beat And he had to wear a band-aid on the welt upon his cheek And Pappy said, "I'll fix this like I did with Pinochet I told you once, you son of a bitch, I ran the CIA!"

Happy Thanksgiving - this from Cheryl... A Change In Plans Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes: Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect. Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea. The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas. Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey. We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying. We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method.

Nativity Scene The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin.

Heaven vs. Hell In Heaven: the cooks are French, the policemen are English, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and the bankers are Swiss. In Hell: the cooks are English, the policemen are German, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss and the bankers are Italian.

take a look all you anti SUV lovers http://slate.msn.com/Features/GodzillaSUV/page2.asp

I like some of the safety features: Cell-phone air bag for ear protection during collisions. Retro rockets, drogue chute. PLEASE NOTE: For added safety, vehicle will operate only when cell phone is in use.

*Laugh* I agree... Three strikes and you're President. Nicaragua was only practice. Florida was the real thing. Don't Blame Me - I voted for Gore...I Think. Error 404- File "Florida Electoral Votes" not found. Please check the URL of the website. Who punched the chads out? Whoo Whoo Whoo? UNPRESIDENTED! Ralph Happens If God Meant Us to Vote, He Would Have Given Us Candidates. My other President is a Republican. Honk If You Love Al Gore! (use the button on your steering wheel). My 2nd Grader is Smarter than 19,000 Florida voters! Jews for Buchanan What popular vote? "Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything." -Joseph Stalin I voted - Didn't matter My parents retired to Florida and all I got was this lousy President. I know I voted on a butterfly ballot, but how come I feel like I just ingested a pupa? Mi brudder sed I were elected. Im going too DizzyWerld Disney gave us Mickey, Florida gave us Dumbo. Grant? Harding? Nixon? Reagan? You ain't seen nothing yet! I Invented the Bumper Sticker - A.Gore DON'T THROW AWAY YOUR VOTE... LET KATHERINE HARRIS DO IT FOR YOU! Chad happens Who is this Chad guy and why is he pregnant? I hope Bush wins, that way the loaded gun I'm stroking right now will be legal. Bush trusts the people, but not if it involves counting. Let them fight to the death. Trust the Machine Now do you understand the importance of user-testing? George III ... George sr, George jr ... hereditary monarchy has been restored! To you I'm a drunk driver; to my friends, I'm presidential material! One person, one vote (may not apply in certain states) I DIDN'T VOTE FOR HIS DADDY EITHER IT AIN'T OVER 'TIL YOUR BROTHER COUNTS THE VOTES Holocaust Survivors for Holocaust Deniers The election can't be broken. We just fixed it. Will Rogers never met W The skies (wheeze) of Texas (cough) are upon you! (choke) Damn! Al's brother wasn't governor of Tennessee! Banana Republicans OK, forget votes. How many guns do you have? George W. Bush: The President Quayle We Never Had DON'T BLAME ME- I VOTED FOR... D'OH! Bradley vs. McCain: Sounds Better Now, Huh? Campaign spending: $184,000,000. Having your little brother rig the election for you: Priceless. The last time somebody listened to a Bush, folks wandered in the desert for 40 years "Space is the breath of art" Frank Lloyd Wright

Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. Robin Williams Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. Roseanne Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. Billy Crystal You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" Sean Connery According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. Robert DeNiro I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it. Bill Cosby In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? Hugh Grant We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." Elayne Boosler There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? Dustin Hoffman When the sun comes up, I have morals again. Elizabeth Taylor There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." Jerry Seinfield If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. George Clooney Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. Rod Stewart The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. Jeff Bridges

RRod Stewart, what a nice guy.

I don't know if this is the "best chicken joke" ever, but it does answer an age old question. POSSIBLY THE VERY BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

Oh yes!!!! A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down going the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!" The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "BITCH!!." They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve.... he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road. If only men would listen...

This is Santa and I just wanted to let you know that Christmas may be a little late this year. See after checking all the boxes and tallying them up, I found some problems with the results. The first result showed: 428,534,120 Good 428,523,119 Bad The second result showed: 428,534,118 Good 428,523,121 Bad So you see, I can't, with good faith, go out and deliver presents while knowing I could have made a mistake. Maybe Little Johnny was good for once, then again, maybe not. So, I have enlisted the help of all my elves and the Mrs. to help do a recount. We hope to have this finished up by 5pm on the 24th of December, but there is a possibility that it might take longer. You see the tally cards were not quite clear to me, although I made them myself, I forgot what they meant. You know, Good...and Bad??? And the check marks I used were not all the same, some went left, some right, some were just a mark. Some went through both boxes, and some didn't even have much of a mark on them. I leave it up to them to decide what I meant. So if you wake up on Christmas morning, and there are no presents under your tree, at least you can tell the kids the story. Thank you for your patience and understanding in these trying times, Santa

Santa better do a recount, this time taking stock of the dimpled and pregnatn chads.

GIFTS FOR MEN Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why. Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why. Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why. Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts. Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips. Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer. Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy. Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why. Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto,eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks." Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?" Rule #12: Tickets to a Patriots game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why. Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker. Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why. Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why.

*************** ELECTION REDUX *************** Top Ten #10: Gore is president on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, Bush on Tuesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays and alternate Sundays. Bush gets the presidency for two weeks during the summer; Gore gets all major holidays #9: Laura Bush and Tipper Gore mud wrestle for Presidency live on pay per view. #8: Get Martin Sheen to play the president, and outside of the improvement, most people won't notice the difference. #7: Bush & Gore sue each other in Federal Court. Winner gets the presidency; Winner's lawyer gets Oregon, Indiana and one of the Carolinas. #6: One round of paper-scissors-rock, no flinches, no do-overs.. #5: Person chosen to co-host with Regis Philbin also to be president. #4: Run the election again on Thursday and Saturday (best two out of three wins). #3: Two Words: swimsuit competition. #2 Al Gore and George W. Bush ride Disney's Magic Mountain continuously until one of them falls off. If both fall off simultaneously, Ralph Nader is named the winner, and gets to declare Disney ride unsafe at any speed. #1. Just let Bill Clinton keep on being President. You know he wants to.

GREEN SNAKES I BET YOU ALWAYS THOUGHT GREEN SNAKES WERE OK -- RIGHT? WELL, READ ON........ Green Garden Grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that alittle green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him in the butt. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed inand loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch, One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire. Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing. Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area. Time passed. . . Both men were discharged from the hospital, The house was re-built, The police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world . . . Last night they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night. She shot him dead.

TWELVE POLITICALLY CORRECT DAYS OF CHRISTMAS On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my potential-acquaintance-rape-survivor gave to me, TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note...), TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping, NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression, EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans, SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands, SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products, FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after member of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.) FOUR hours of recorded whale songs, THREE deconstructionist poets, TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses, and a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Martha Stewart's Holidays "To Do" List ------------------------------------ December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards. December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3 Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o'-nine-tails. Flog Gardener. December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. December 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself. December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. December 7 Debug Windows '98. December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. December 11 Lay Faberge egg. December 12 Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. December 13 Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts. December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house. December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall. December 17 Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire. December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture. December 21 Drain City reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks. December 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank. December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas. December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are. December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri. December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum. December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God. December 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

While in art school, where we mostly worked with Amigas and Macs, a Spanish exchange student asked me if I ever worked with MS-2. I thought he meant OS/2 but he didn't know what that was. It took me some time to figure out that he meant MS- DOS. "Dos" in Spanish means "two." My grandfather has recently started a course called "Computers for the Terrified." He's nearly eighty and, although used to be an engineer within the British Royal Airforce, is completely stuck when it comes to computers. He came back from his first evening at this course. When asked how it had gone, he replied, "Yes, it was really good. I really enjoyed it, but I really couldn't get to grips with my mole." I stopped for a second, completely puzzled, until I realized he was talking about the mouse. Customer: "I have a scummy card in my system." Customer: "I have a cursing flasher." Customer: "I am getting an error on my computer" Tech Support: "What kind of error?" Customer: "It says I have a corrupted file on my hard drive, and I should run 'Check Disk'." Tech Support: "Ok, we need to call in a ticket, and someone will be down shortly." Customer: "Can you make sure you bring some extra Check Disks, because mine does not work." Tech Support: "Uh. We're out of stock right now, but I'll order some." The place where a friend of mine works was going through the process of upgrading all of their computers. On one computer in particular, they had determined they needed more memory. One of the senior partners got it into her head that they needed more "MEG." My friend tried to tell her that what they needed was RAM, but she insisted that the machine had plenty of RAM and that they needed more Meg -- specifically, about 16 megabytes of Meg. He got tired of arguing with her and said to go down to the computer store and buy some Meg. She came back with an envelope with RAM in it -- on the envelope was written "16 megabytes of Meg." "The salesman tried to tell me the same thing you did," she told my friend, "but then he went and talked to his manager, and he set him straight. Now go install this Meg." Quickies: Customer: "I have Microword Soft." Customer: "Microwave Windows?" Customer: "Will this upgrade include Microwave 97?" Customer: (Referring to Microsoft Defrag.)=A0 "I ran Microwave Defrost, but it didn't help." Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder." Customer: "I have Microscope Exploiter." Customer: "I have Netscape Complicator." Customer: "I have Netscape Regulator." Customer: "Uhh...I have Newscape and Outlook Exposure." Customer: "I use Outlook Explorer." Customer: "I have a US Robotics Sportscaster modem." Customer: "It's not my computer that is slow. I have a 200 horse power hard drive." We were looking to hire a secretary. She needed to know WordPerfect, Dbase, and Lotus. This one candidate had no clue as to any of 'em (as I quizzed her on how to do different things). When I got to the spreadsheet, I asked her if she knew Lotus 1-2-3. She said that her boyfriend was helping her and she was through Lotus 1 and 2, and was working on 3.

Tribal Wisdom Vs. Business Practices A little supervisory humor before the holidays. Credit is given to Thomas Steffen for passing this on to me. The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following: 1. Buying a stronger whip. 2. Changing riders. 3. Threatening the horse with termination. 4. Appointing a committee to study the horse. 5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses. 6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included. 7. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired. 8. Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead." 9. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse. 10. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed. 11. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its full original cost. 12. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance. 13. Do a time management study to see if the lighter riders would improve productivity. 14. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better. 15. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position. Seymour Samuels Ed.D. Director of Institutional Effectiveness Palm Beach Community College 4200 Congress Avenue Lake Worth FL 33461

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

The following guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks. Example: Gross pay $1,222.02 Deductions: Income tax 244.40 Outcome tax 45.21 State tax 11.61 Interstate tax 61.10 County tax 6.11 City tax 12.22 Rural tax 4.44 Back tax 1.11 Front tax 1.16 Side tax 1.61 Up tax 2.22 Tic-tacs 1.98 Thumbtacks 3.93 Carpet tacks .98 Stadium tax .69 Flat tax 8.32 Surtax 3.46 Corporate tax 2.60 Parking fee 5.00 FICA 81.88 TGIF fund 9.95 Life insurance 5.85 Health insurance 16.23 Dental insurance 4.50 Mental insurance 4.33 Reassurance .11 Disability 2.50 Ability .25 Liability 3.41 Unreliability 10.99 Coffee 6.85 Coffee cups 66.51 Floor rental 6.85 Chair rental .32 Desk rental 4.32 Union dues 5.85 Union don'ts 3.77 Cash advance .69 Cash retreats 121.35 Overtime 1.26 Undertime 54.83 Eastern time 9.00 Central time 8.00 Mountain time 7.00 Pacific time 6.00 Oxygen 10.02 Water 16.54 Heat 51.42 Cool air 26.83 Hot air 20.00 Miscellaneous 113.29 Various 8.01 Net Pay $0.12

THINGS TO PONDER Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out? Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true. There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. I don't mind going anywhere as long as it's an interesting path. Anything free is worth what you pay for it. Indecision is the key to flexibility. It hurts to be on the cutting edge. If it ain't broke, fix it till it is. I don't get even, I get odder. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. I am a nutritional overachiever My inferiority complex is not as good as yours. I am having an out of money experience. I plan on living forever. So far, so good. I am in shape. Round is a shape. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. A day without sunshine is like night. I have kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws. I am not a perfectionist. My parents were, though. Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make you gain five pounds. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone. Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show. You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Ol' Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge--into the wind he goes! Meanwhile, Maw & Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen! " Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims. Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw." She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops." "I think ya missed him, Paw," she says. "Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of ol' Zeek!"

NEWEST PERMUTATIONS OF COMPUTER VIRUSES THE ALGORE Virus.... (Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting and counting) THE CLINTON Virus.... (Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory) THE BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy) THE LEWINSKY virus... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did) THE RONALD REAGAN virus.... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored) THE MIKE TYSON virus.... (Quits after two bytes) THE OPRAH WINFREY virus.... (Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200mb) THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus... (Deletes all old files) THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus... (Disks can no longer be inserted) THE PROZAC virus... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care) THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus... (Only attacks minor files) THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus... (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back) THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)

TEN REASONS WHY PEOPLE OF THE WORLD THINK AMERICANS ARE CRAZY: 01. A pizza gets to our house faster than an ambulance. 02. There are handicap parking places in front of skating rinks. 03. Drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 04. People order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 05. Banks leave two sets of front doors unlocked and open and then chain their pens to the counters. 06. We leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 07. We use answering machines to screen calls and then have "call waiting" so we won't miss a call from someone we don't want to talk to in the first place. 08. We buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in package of eight. 09. We use the word "politics" to precisely describe our crazy process: "Poli" in Latin means "many" and "tics" means "bloodsucking creatures". 10. We have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

POLITICALLY CORRECT GUIDE TO GUYS He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility. He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist. He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations. You do not buy him a drink; you initiate an Alcohol-For-Conversation Exchange. He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive. He is not a redneck; he is a Genetically-Related American. He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships. He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient Of Parental Asset Infusion. He does not hog the blankets; he is Thermally Unappreciative. He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy. He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged ...thanks JSK...

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,343 - 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed; 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently; 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs; 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs; 53 to flame the spell checkers; 41 to correct spelling/grammar flames; 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"; another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive; 156 to write to the list administrator about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list; 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to litebulb-l; 203 to demand that cross posting to grammar-l, spelling-l and illuminati-l about changing light bulbs be stopped; 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this mail list; 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty; 27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs; 14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and to post the corrected URL's; 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list; 33 to link all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers and then add "Me too"; 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy; 19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"; 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ; 44 to ask what is "FAQ"; 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago on Usenet?" 143 to ask "what's Usenet?" THE END. (think Ian is trying to tell me something...?!)

- A LAWYER'S TOMBSTONE A lawyer named Mr. Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave." Mr. Strange was not amused by the stonecutter's attempt at humor and asked if he had another suggestion. The stonecutter said, "I could write, 'Here lies an honest lawyer'." The lawyer protested, "But that won't tell people who it was." "It most certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read, 'Here lies an honest lawyer' and exclaim, 'That's Strange!'" (Thanks JSK)

Strange indeed.

THINGS I WISH I'D KNOWN BEFORE I WENT OUT IN THE REAL WORLD THINGS I WISH I'D KNOWN BEFORE I WENT OUT IN THE REAL WORLD 1. Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying "Why, thank you" (though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent). 2. Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on stage singing, some are in the audience as critics and some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are. 3. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas. 4. When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste. 5. Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter. 6. Good sex should involve laughter. Because think about it, it is funny. 7. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape. 8. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right". 9. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 10. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm. 11. The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave me was "Go! You might meet somebody!" 12. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe it. 13. I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day? 14. Never pass up an opportunity to pee. 15. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance! 16. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you. 17. Knowing how to listen to music is as great a talent as knowing how to make it. 18. Work is good but it's not THAT important. 19. Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man. 20. And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Psalm 23 THE THESIS The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not flunk He keepeth me from lying down when I should be studying He leadeth me beside the water cooler for a study break He restores my faith in study guides He leads me to better study habits For my grades' sake Yea,though I walk through the valley of borderline grades I will not have a nervous breakdown For thou art with me My prayers and my friends, they comfort me Thou givest me the answer in moments of blankness Thou anointest my head with understanding My test paper runneth over with questions I recognize Surely passing grades and flying colors shall follow me All the days of my examinations And I shall not have to dwell in this stupid uni forever.

For those who don't read Austin Conference: Rules for Living in Austin 1. First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is AWS-TUN and it does not matter how people pronounce it in other places. 2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Austin has its own version of traffic rules. There's no book about them. You've just got to get in your car and hope you survive to learn them. 3. All directions start with, "Go down Mopac...cause you don't want to get on 35." 4. Burnet, Braker, and Lamar have no beginning and no end. 5. It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls this a "scenic drive." 6. The 8:00am rush hour is from 6:30am to 9:30am. The 5:00pm rush hour is from 3:30pm to 7:15pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning. 7. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you cannot be from Austin.You may only apply your brakes when the end of the yellow light and the beginning of the red light create a "burnt-orange" hue. 8. If you like being an individual, don't even think of working for Dell. You'll be branded like cattle and made to walk all over town with your "Dell tag" around your neck or clipped on your belt loop. 98% of the people within a 200 mile radius work for Dell. When someone says, "Michael Dell", Dell employees are trained to face Round Rock, hit their knees, put their face to the ground, weep, and rock back and forth. 9. Just remember that Mopac IS Loop 1 and Research IS 183. 2222 is Northland or Allendale or Koenig. Don't try to figure it out. Just accept it. If you question the intelligence behind this naming convention, people will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you. 10. If moisture is determined to be rain, not sweat, all traffic must immediately cease; ditto for daylight savings time, girl applying eyeshadow across the street, or a flat tire three lanes over. Do not attempt to access any road after an apocalyptic event like snow or South X Southwest. 11. Construction on I-35 is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment. Get used to it! 12. Keep in mind that the sloppily dressed "hippie" in sandals and earrings is probably the latest IPO millionaire around here. 13.Stay away from the Congress bridge at sundown if you do not like the thought of being in an Alfred Hitchcock movie. 14. And yes we all know that's a man in a teddy and tiara on Congress.It's Leslie and he probably makes more money than you do.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners: Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't _get it. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. Glibido: All talk and no action. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. And, the pick of the literature: Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

************** Born Southern ************** "Southerners have a genius for psychological alchemy... If something intolerable simply cannot be changed, driven away or shot they will not only tolerate it but take pride in it as well." Florence King "Southerners can never resist a losing cause." Margaret Mitchell "The Southerner always tended to believe with his blood rather than his intellect." Marshall Frady "I don't think of myself as a Negro. I'm a Southerner. I just like the Southern way of life." Julian Bond "I love everything about the South; I even love hate." Brother Dave Gardner "O magnet-South! O glistening perfumed South! My South! O quick mettle, rich blood, impulse and love! Good and evil! O all dear to me!" Walt Whitman "I like the South because of the people. They are loyal. Once they love a team, they're fans forever." Dominique Wilkins "Because I was born in the South, I'm a Southerner. If I had been born in the North, the West or the Central Plains, I would be just a human being." Clyde Edgerton "Everyone from the South knows who Jefferson Davis was, and this is one thing that distinguishes the South from other parts of the country." William F. Buckley "The only place in the world that nothing has to be explained to me is the South." Woodrow Wilson "The South may not always be right, but by God it's never wrong!" Brother Dave Gardner "I suggest that the true Southland is that territory within which, when asked by an outsider whether he is a Southerner, the reply almost invariably is 'Hell yes!' This 'Hell yes' line has the advantage of eliminating the ambivalent wishy washy fringes, and leaving the unquestionably defiant, hard-core Southland." Hamilton C. Horton, Jr. "Southerners make such good novelists; they have so many good stories because they have so much family." Gore Vidal "I'm Southern and I know neurotic behavior." Faye Dunaway "Southern barbecue is the closet thing we have in the U.S. to Europe's wines and cheeses; drive a hundred miles and the barbecue changes." John Shelton Reed "My mother's people, the people who captured my imagination when I was growing up, were of the Deep South - emotional, changeable, touched with charisma and given to histrionic flourishes. They were courageous under tension and unexpectedly tough beneath their wild eccentricities, for they had an unusually close working agreement with God." Willie Morris "Anyone with a lick of sense knows that you can't make good barbecue and comply with the health code." John Edgerton "The summer picnic gave the ladies a chance to show off their baking hands. On the barbecue pit, chickens and spareribs sputtered in their own fat and a sauce whose recipe was guarded in the family like a scandalous affair." Maya Angelou "Next to fried food, the South has suffered most from oratory." Walter Hines Page "When the taste changes with every bite and the last bite tastes as good as the first, that's Cajun." Paul Prudhomme "True grits, more grits, fish, grits, and collards. Life is good where grits are swallered." Roy Blount, Jr. "Memphis Martini: Gin with a wad of cotton in it." Fred Allen "What you need for breakfast, they say in East Tennessee, is a jug of good corn liquor, a thick steak and a hound dog. Then you feed the steak to the dog." Charles Kuralt "The tragedy of the redneck is that he chose the wrong enemy." Will D. Campbell "Yes, charisma is the middle name of scads of Southern cads." Rosemary Daniel "Southern women see no contradiction in mixing strength with gentleness." Sharon McKern "The friend asked why the Rebel army had continued to fight when defeat was certain. They were simply afraid to go home and face their women." Gordon Cotton "I've always said that next to Imperial China, the South is the best place in the world to be an old lady." Florence King "The remark has been made that in the Civil War the North reaped the victory and the South the glory." Richard Weaver "The young bloods of the South; sons of planters, lawyers about towns, good billiard players and sportsmen, men who never did any work and never will. War suits them. They are splendid riders, first rate shots and utterly reckless. These men must all be killed or employed by us before we can hope for peace." General W. T. Sherman "When the smoke and fire was over, the Negroes had nothing gained, the whites had nothing left, while the jackals have all the booty." R.H. Cain "In the South the war is what A.D. is elsewhere; they date from it." Mark Twain "As long as the Negroes are held down by deprivation and lack of opportunity, the other poor people will be held down alongside them." Governor Big Jim Folsom "We went across the South on Super Tuesday without a single catcall or boo, without a single ugly sign. Not until we got to New York and the North did the litmus test of race and religion spout from the mouths of public officials." Jesse Jackson "Every time I look at Atlanta I see what a quarter of a million Confederate soldiers died to prevent." John Shelton Reed "I just got wonderful news from my real estate agent in Florida. They found land on my property." Milton Berle "I didn't make Arkansas the butt of ridicule. God did." H.L. Mencken "I like the South because it is so much warmer on the sidelines than it is up North." Coach Tom Landry "I know why we lost the Civil War. We must have had the same officials." Coach Bum Phillips on losing the Senior Bowl "Young feller, you will never appreciate the potentialities of the English language until you have heard a Southern mule driver search the soul of a mule." Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. "The South is a region that history has happened to." Richard Weaver "The past is not dead. It isn't even past." William Faulkner

*********** Oxymorons *********** 50. Act naturally 49. Found missing 48. Resident alien 47. Advanced BASIC 46. Genuine imitation 45. Airline Food 44. Good grief 43. Same difference 42. Almost exactly 41. Government organization 40. Sanitary landfill 39. Alone together 38. Legally drunk 37. Silent scream 36. British fashion 35. Living dead 34. Small crowd 33. Business ethics 32. Soft rock 31. Butt Head 30. Military Intelligence 29. Software documentation 28. New York culture 27. New classic 26. Sweet sorrow 25. Childproof 24. "Now then ..." 23. Synthetic natural gas 22. Christian Scientists 21. Passive aggression 20. Taped live 19. Clearly misunderstood 18. Peace force 17. Extinct Life 16. Temporary tax increase 15. Computer jock 14. Plastic glasses 13. Terribly pleased 12. Computer security 11. Political science 10. Tight slacks 9. Definite maybe 8. Pretty ugly 7. Twelve-ounce pound cake 6. Diet ice cream 5. Rap music 4. Working vacation 3. Exact estimate 2. Religious tolerance 1. Microsoft Works

Just under this list at numbers 51 is television personality. There was also the restaurant and bar which was named the Temperenceville Tavern. Still, I want to know why is the most famous oxymoron of all missing from this list? That being "jumbo shrimp".

Thanks, JSK: WORDS TO LIVE BY Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at ex-lovers, and miss. Cooking lesson #1: Don't fry bacon in the nude. Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day. If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water gun and shoot other people in the eyes. If you're not part of the solution, start another problem! If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kick boxing. If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. Never buy a car you can't push. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on. Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Rubber cork and plastic straw were also left off the Oxymoron list. I think they are supposed to be NEW ones?!

+----------- Bizarre Excuses for Missing School -----------+ [These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) from some schools in Texas.] My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

~*~ 100% TEXAN ~*~ 1. It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash. 2. You use the phrase "fixin' to" almost daily. 3. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date. 4. You've ever been excused from school because "the cows got out." 5. You can properly pronounce the names of the towns Mexia, Waxahachie and Mesquite. 6. You can remember the name of the last state legislator to introduce a bill involving castration and he didn't mean farm animals. 7. You know exactly what calf fries are, and eat them anyway. 8. You can recall hot summers by the year they happened easier than you can remember your mother's birthday. 9. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies. 10. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door but by the availability of shade. 11. You have owned at least one belt buckle bigger than your fist. 12. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other one go first. 13. When you hear a tornado siren, you go out and look for a funnel. 14. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it. 15. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store. 16. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 4x4 is. 17 . You know that everything goes better with Ranch. 18 . You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply. 19. You know that "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural. 20 . You are 100% Texan if you have ever had this conversation: "You wanna Coke?" "Yeah." "What kind?" "Dr. Pepper."

Yep, dp. I haven't had that exact conversation, but one similar. Did you watch the NFL All Pro Game in Hawaii, Marci? A "bad traffic jam" in Austin is many notches worse that the one described above. I got the town pronounciation test right, but for the life of me I don't have a clue who that castration legislation was introduced by, nor do I have a need to know!

Watched the Pro Bowl yesterday. Pretty good considering, as all pro Bowls are, mostly offense. How did you like the XFL, Terry? Pretty weird! I figured the bad tradffic jam in Austin was worse than they said. None of us need to know about the castration legislation, I think. Dp anytime!

I've missed the xfl so far, your impressions, Marci?

It's not bad for just watching the game. These guys want to get back into the NFL. However, the color guys are pathetic, the cheerleaders are gross, and the ads definitely gender-specific. I wish the hype would die down and let them get on with football. I enjoyed it when two teams actually showed up. How about you, Terry?

I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN....... I'm the life of the party, even when it lasts until 8 P.M. I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer. I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going. I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my-aspirin-beano-antacid. I'm the first one to find the bathroom, wherever we go. I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you are saying. I'm very good at telling stories.... over and over and over and over. I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine. I'm so cared for, long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care... I'm not grouchy. I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians. I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired. I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place. I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg. I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...... I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate. I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies. I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory. I'm walking more (to the bathroom and enjoying it less). I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors -- absolutely nothing! I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days. I'm in the initial state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP. I'm wondering if you're only as old as you feel. how could I be alive at 150? I'm supporting all movements now by eating bran, prunes and raisins. I'm a walking storeroom of facts..... I've just lost the storeroom I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN AND I THINK I AM HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE!!! --- Incoming mail is certified Virus Free.

I have yet to see much of the XFL. I dug watching the NBA All Star Game, I can't believe the East came back from 21 points and there was some defense played. I thought Mutombo was the MVP,not Iverson. I like the way Mutombo is building hospitals and helping out his homeland in Africa.

XFL and I come and go as I have to retrieve something from the TV room. Not into floozy cheerleaders and tacky ads... **************** The First Gore **************** Tipper Gore, an amateur genealogical researcher, discovered that her husband's great-great uncle, Chadsworth Gore, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Tennessee in 1889. The only known photograph of Chadsworth Gore shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the Picture was this inscription: "Chadsworth Gore; horse thief, sent to Tennessee Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Tennessee Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889." After letting Al Gore and his staff of professional spin consultants peruse the findings, they decided to crop Chadsworth's picture, scan it as an enlarged image, and edit it with image processing software so that the following biographical sketch was sent to the Associated Press: "Chadsworth Gore was a famous rancher in early Tennessee history. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Tennessee railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. "In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Chadsworth Gore passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed." And thus passed the very first "hanging Chad."

You know you are in Pennsylvania when: (these are true - ask me!!!) 1. You have an uncontrollable urge to buy bread and milk when you hear the word "snow." 2. You say the correct pronunciation LANG-kist-er instead of the mispronounced Lan-CAST-er, and LEB-en-in instead of the equally incorrect Leb-a-NON. 3. You know the only way to make good fastnachts is to cook them in LARD. 4. You live within two miles of a plant that makes potato chips, corn chips, pretzels, candy, or ice cream, or that packages turkeys, beans, or bologna. 5. You ask the waitress for "dippy eggs" for breakfast. 6. You do things "once," as in "I'll go check in the back room once." 7. You can stop along the road to buy fruits, vegetables, or crafts on the "honor system." 8. You know what REAL pot pie is. 9. YOUR turkey has "filling," not "stuffing," and most certainly, NOT "dressing." 10. You know that chicken corn soup from a firehouse is the most perfect food on earth. 11. Your neighbors' names are Driebelbis, Stoltzfus, Lebo, Peachey, Yoder or anything ending in "- baugh or -ouch." 12. You say things like, "Outen the lights," "I'm calling off today,"and "They're calling for snow." 13. You've heard of distelfinks and hex signs. 14. Red Beet Eggs makes your list of top ten favorite foods. 15. You pronounce "Suite" as SUIT, not SWEET. 16. You say you're going out to the shed "AWHILE," instead of "FOR AWHILE." 17. You only buy your beer and soda by the case. 18. You think the roads in any other state are smooth. 19. You know the Penn State cheer. (WE ARE...PENN STATE!) 20. Hearing horses clopping down a paved street doesn't bring you to the window to see what's going on outside. 21. You never see any Confederate Flags, except on the Gettysburg Battlefield. 22. You prefer Hershey's Chocolate to Godiva. 23. You consider Pittsburgh to be "out west," and you know the fastest way to Philly is the Turnpike. 24. School closings due to snow take the radio stations half an hour to finish, because just about every town has its own school district. 25. When someone says 1972, you think "Agnes," and when someone says 1979, you think "TMI." 26. You call sloppy joes "barbecue." 27. You think Medium Rare equals Well Done. 28. When it snows, they put cinders on the roads instead of sand. 29. You can give directions to Intercourse with a straight face. 30. You only own three spices: salt, pepper, ketchup. 31. You have 10 favorite recipes for venison. 32. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. 33. The local paper covers National and International headlines on 1 page, but requires six pages for sports. 34. You think the start of deer hunting is a National Holiday. 35. You find -20F "a little" chilly. 36. You remember fondly days of youth known as "Snow Days". 37. Words like: gumband; buggy; hoagie; chipped beef; scrapple; actually mean something to you. 38. You can use the phrase "Firehall Wedding" and not even bat an eye. 39. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Pennsylvania friends.

TOP 20 SHORTEST BOOKS 20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno 19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver 18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino 17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton 16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan 15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates 14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman 13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore 12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN 11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS 10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE 9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES 8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN 7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN 6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres 5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE 4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club 3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY 2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson 1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton

NORTH/SOUTH The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes - The South has 'mater samiches. The North has coffeehouses - The South has Waffle Houses. The North has dating services - The South has family reunions. The North has switchblade knives - The South has Lee Press-on Nails. The North has double last names - The South has double first names. The North has Ted Kennedy - The South has Jesse Helms. The North has an ambulance - The South has an amalance. The North has the Mafia - The South has NASCAR. The North has Indy car races - The South has Swamp Buggy races. The North has Cream of Wheat or Oatmeal - The South has grits. The North has green salads - The South has collard greens and chitlins. The North has lobsters - The South has crawdads. The North has Distilleries, Breweries, and liquor stores - The South has stills, shine, and them ridge runners. The North has the rust belt - The South has the Bible Belt. Finally, if you are from the North and plan to visit or move to the South, there are a few things you should know: 1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup with a 12- pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. 2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store. 3. Remember, "ya'll" is singular, "all ya'll" is plural, and "all ya'll's" is plural possessive. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?" 4. You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Ya'll oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!" 5. Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you, either. 6. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is "big'ol," as in "big'ol truck" or "big'ol boy." Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way, though most are in denial about it. The pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. 7. Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense. 8. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, ya'll, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say. 9. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not; you just have to go there. 10. When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle. 11. Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns and are proficient marksmen. Or that their mammas taught them how to shoot. 12. In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush, green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway. 13. If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits. ============================================

Rye grass works pretty well in the Winter.

I'll remember that if I ever end up where I hope I do... Not JUST A Mom... A few months ago, when I was picking up the children at school, another mother I knew well rushed up to me. Emily was fuming with indignation. "Do you know what you and I are?" she demanded. Before I could answer and I didn't really have one handy - she blurted out the reason for her question. It seemed she had just returned from renewing her driver's license at The County Clerk's office. Asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation, Emily had hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. What I mean is," explained the recorder, "do you have a job, or are you just a .....?" "Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a mother." "We don't list 'mother' as an occupation...'housewife' covers it,"said the recorder emphatically. I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high-sounding title like "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar." "And what is your occupation?" she probed. What made me say it, I do not know. The words simply popped out. "I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations." The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pompous pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire. "Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest,"just what you do in your field?" Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research (what mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the field (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters (the whole darned family) and already have four credits (all daughters). "Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are in satisfaction rather than just money." There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door. As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants - ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model (6 months) in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt triumphant! I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another mother." Motherhood...what a glorious career. Especially when there's a title on the door. Send this to another Mother you know. Whether a stay at home Mom or a career Mom, we should all carry this title. ---------------------------------- The Images of Mother: 4 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mommy can do anything! 8 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot! 12 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mother doesn't really know quite everything. 14 YEARS OF AGE ~ Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either. 16 YEARS OF AGE ~ Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned. 18 YEARS OF AGE ~ That old woman? She's way out of date! 25 YEARS OF AGE ~ Well, she might know a little bit about it. 35 YEARS OF AGE ~ Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion. 45 YEARS OF AGE ~ Wonder what Mom would have thought about it? 65 YEARS OF AGE ~ Wish I could talk it over with Mom.

A few clues to being a true Texan. 1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway. 2. "Vacation" means going to the family reunion. 3. You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular. 4. You measure distance in minutes. 5. You know several people who have hit a deer. 6. Your school classes were canceled because of cold. 7. Your school classes were canceled because of heat. 8. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. 9. You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better." 10. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks. 11. Stores don't have shopping carts; they have buggies. 12. You see people wearing bib overalls at funerals. 13. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with noone in it, no matter what time of the year. 14. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store. 15. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,vegetable, grain, or animal. 16. You install security lights on your house and garage and leaveboth unlocked. 17. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer,and Jell-O salad with marshmallows. 18. You carry jumper cables in your car... for your OWN car. 19. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" is. 20. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco. 21. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent. 22. You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts. 23. The local paper covers national and international news on onepage but requires 6 pages for sports. 24. You think that deer season is a national holiday. 25. You know which leaves make good toilet paper. 26. You find 90 degrees F "a little warm." 27. You know all 4 seasons: Almost Summer, Summer,Still Summer,and Christmas. 28. You know if another Texan is from south, east, west, or northTexas as soon as they open their mouth. 29. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000or more. 30. You describe the first cool snap(below 70 degrees) as good gumboweather. 31. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda or a cola or a pop- it'sa Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. 32. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin' wal-martin'" 33. You recognize that cheese grits and catfish nuggets is a meal that must have been bestowed upon the people by the Lord Himself 34. You can be satisfied with a meal consisting only of a hunk of bread with flavored flour water (a delicacy known as "biscuit n'gravy") 35. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your friends from Texas.

These are Texans, not Austin folks. You won't find many of these stereotypes any more in the land of Beamers and high class Bistros, except those of course about the summers and the weather. There are lotsa Dairy Queens in the small towns.

Hiya ... got online at long last. Could see IM but not receive any replies. Oh to be in England!!!!! Hugs anyway. Oh yes, and greetings and stuff from Mali. Where it's Hot Hot Hot - 103 today. School was meltingly hot this morning - no electricity so no fans.

Maggie!!! Aloha! airlifting CARE packages of Tradewinds to you! Terry, so good to khow it is NOT the urbane Austinite to which the stereotypes referred. But, then, I already knew that from the two gentlemen I know from Austin! **************** Technology **************** Jake is struggling through an airport terminal with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks: "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six", he says. "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out..." - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven till six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding." The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all...", says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning", explains Jake. "View recede ten", Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state. "I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger. "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says the inventor. "But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that "the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard size books, though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake. "I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger. "No, you don't understand; it's not ready." "I'll give you $1000 for it!" "Oh, no, I've already spent more than ..." "I'll give you $5000 for it!" "But it's just not ..." "I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8,500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK", he says, and peels off the watch and hands it to the stranger. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute", calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he had been trying to wrestle through the terminal. "Don't forget your batteries."

Back again for a little bit Marcia ... temp hit 118F yesterday on our trip, got up to today. I think I'm melting!!!! Where did you put my pix on here?

You didn't say which ones to post so I am waiting to hear. You and Tony in full regalia???

YUP - thought I sed

Sorry I can't wait around on IM. Too expensive. Hugs (You disappeared yesterday too)

It's great you're checking in Maggie, too bad about the This Day in History thing, Marci. You were using a completely different source, maybe you can find a totally different source or we could just pick out one thing a day to comment on.

will do so.. reagardijng spring5 and Maggie's requests... have to make photo smaller before ftping them - shortly!!! FROM THE MOUTH OF A HUSBAND I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. ************************************************** I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. ************************************************** Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. ************************************************** The last fight was my fault. My wife asked: "What's on the TV?" I said: "Dust!" ************************************************** In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. ************************************************** Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ************************************************** What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks. ************************************************** A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said: "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said: "God, I wish I had your will power." ************************************************* Do you know the punishment for bigamy?: Two mothers-in-law. ************************************************* Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. ************************************************* A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." ************************************************* The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. ************************************************* First guy: "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine is still alive." ************************************************* How do men define marriage?: An expensive way to get laundry done for free. ************************************************* Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. ************************************************* If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word=A0 you say, talk in your sleep. ************************************************* Then there was a man who said: "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." ************************************************* A little boy asked his father: "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

*************** RESPONSIBILITY *************** Let me get this straight? "Let's see if I understand the state of personal responsibility in the America of the 1990s. If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant. If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll musician he liked. If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer your family blames the tobacco company. If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education. If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender. If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones. If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television. If you back up and run over a Trooper ,and he shoots you; you blame it on racial profiling. And, if a deranged madman shoots your friend, you blame the gun manufacturer. God bless America, land of the free, home of the "blame."* (* BLAME THE LAWYERS!!)

Thanks for this, JSK *hugs* JOB DESCRIPTIONS A cannibal is someone who is fed up with people. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a "brief."

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. I couldn't agree more :-)

Hi Mike! You're right!!! *Hugs* It is so good to see you ! Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to submit quotations from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions: 1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.) 2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping) 3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company) 4. This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service) 5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.) 6. My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claimed the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers) 7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation) 8. "How About Friday?" My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists) 9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division) 10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying, "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) 11. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.) 12. Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words that could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation) 13. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!" (Lucent Technologies

MARRIAGE MADE IN HEAVEN On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out." and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months...and they discussed if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?" After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!"

PITHY APHORISMS If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. A closed mouth gathers no foot. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Its pretty scarry that it is more complicated to simulate artifical stupidity than artificial intelligence. 73 de Cosmo back amongst the living

Welcome Home, Cosmo! *Hugs* New State Slogans (Thanks, Ian!) Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S" Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada: Whores and Poker! New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here! New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney ... North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States! Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee: The Educashun State Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English) Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont: Yep Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers! Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really! Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared!!!

This is funny. If you don't think so you may be upper management at McDonnell-Douglas.This allegedly was posted very briefly on the McDonnell-Douglas Website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not have a sense of humor and made the web department take it down immediately..... Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires. 1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrad [_] Classified [_] Other First Name: ................................ Initial: ........ Last Name: .................................. Password: ............................. (max. 8 char) Code Name:.................................. Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ..................... 2. Which model aircraft did you purchase? [_] F-14 Tomcat [_] F-15 Eagle [_] F-16 Falcon [_] F-117A Stealth [_] Classified 3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): ....../......./...... 4. Serial Number:......................................... 5. Please indicate where this product was purchased: [_] Received as gift/aid package [_] Catalogue/showroom [_] Independent arms broker [_] Mail order [_] Discount store [_] Government surplus [_] Classified 6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased: [_] Heard loud noise, looked up [_] Store display [_] Espionage [_] Recommended by friend/relative/ally [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer [_] Was attacked by one 7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell-Douglas product: [_] Style/appearance [_] Speed/maneuverability [_] Price/value [_] Comfort/convenience [_] Kickback/bribe [_] Recommended by salesperson [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation [_] Advanced Weapons Systems [_] Backroom politics [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat 8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used: [_] North America [_] Iraq [_] Iran [_] Aircraft carrier [_] Europe [_] Middle East (not Iraq) [_] Africa [_] Asia/Far East [_] Misc. Third World countries [_] Classified 9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future: [_] Color TV [_] VCR [_] ICBM [_] Killer Satellite [_] CD Player [_] Air-to-Air Missiles [_] Space Shuttle [_] Home Computer [_] Nuclear Weapon 10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Indicate all that apply.) [_] Communist/Socialist [_] Terrorist [_] Crazed [_] Neutral [_] Democratic [_] Dictatorship [_] Corrupt [_] Primitive / Tribal 11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product? [_] Deficit spending [_] Cash [_] Suitcases of cocaine [_] Oil revenues [_] Personal check [_] Credit card [_] Ransom money [_] Traveler's check 12. Your occupation: [_] Homemaker [_] Sales / marketing [_] Revolutionary [_] Clerical [_] Mercenary [_] Tyrant [_] Middle management [_] Eccentric billionaire [_] Defense Minister/General [_] Retired [_] Student 13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis: [_] Golf [_] Boating/sailing [_] Sabotage [_] Running/jogging [_] Propaganda/misinformation [_] Destabilization/overthrow [_] Default on loans [_] Gardening [_] Crafts [_] Black market/smuggling [_] Collectibles/collections [_] Watching sports on TV [_] Wines [_] Interrogation/torture [_] Household pets [_] Crushing rebellions [_] Espionage/reconnaissance [_] Fashion clothing [_] Border disputes [_] Mutually Assured Destruction Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnellDouglas serve you better in the future-as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes! Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to: McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION Marketing Department Military Aerospace Division.

IT'S GOOD TO BE A MAN Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. The world is your urinal. Same work...more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding Dress $5,000; Tux rental $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood, ALL the damn time. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don't have to shave below your neck. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives on December 24th, in 45 minutes. THE ONLY WAY TO GO !

I nearly put this in poetry conference, but di dnot want to offend the Hostess. Cat Haiku To all you cat lovers... You never feed me. Perhaps I'll sleep on your face. And that will show you. You must scratch me there! Yes, above my tail! Behold, Elevator butt. I need a new toy. Tail of a black dog keeps good time. Pounce! Good dog! Good dog! The rule for today. Touch my tail, I shred your hand. New rule tomorrow. In deep sleep hear sound Cat vomit hairball somewhere. Will find in morning. Grace personified I leap into the window I meant to do that. Blur of motion, then- Silence, me, a paper bag What is so funny? The mighty hunter Returns with gifts of plump birds Your foot just squashed one. You're always typing Well, let's see you ignore me Sitting on your hands. My small cardboard box You cannot see me if I Can just hide my head. Terrible battle I fought for hours. Come and see! What's a term paper? Kitty likes plastic Confuses for litter box Don't leave tarp around. Small brave carnivores Kill pine cones and mosquitos Fear vacuum cleaner Want to trim my claws? Don't even think about it! My yelps wake the dead. I want to be close to you. Can I fit my head inside your armpit? Wanna go outside. Oh, no! Help! I got outside! Let me back inside! Oh no! My Big One has been trapped by newspaper. Cat to the rescue. Humans are so strange. Mine lies still in bed, then screams! My claws aren't that sharp... Cats meow out of angst "Thumbs! If only we had thumbs! We could break so much." Litter box not here You moved it on me again I'll crap in the sink The Big Ones snore now Every room is dark and cold Time for "Cup Hockey" We're almost equals I purr to show I love you Want to smell my butt?

Southern Football Trivia What does the average Mississippi State player get on his SATs? --Drool. What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? ---A full set of teeth. How do you get an LSU cheerleader into your dorm room? ----Grease her hips and push like hell. How do you get a South Carolina graduate off your porch? -----Pay him for the pizza. Why do the Alabama cheerleaders wear bibs? -----To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms. Why is the Vandy football team like a possum? -----Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road. What are the longest three years of a Florida football player's life? ----His freshman year How many Ole Miss freshmen does it take to change a light bulb? -----None.....That's a sophomore course in Mississippi. Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco? -----Lexington, Kentucky .......He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner. AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.......) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color? ---You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.

You Know You're a Redneck Jedi When . . . Your Jedi robe is camouflage color. You use your lightsaber to open your bottle of Bud. There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder. You use your lightsaber to pick your teeth. At least one section of your X-Wing is bondo colored. You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder. You can't describe the taste of an Ewok without using the word chicken. You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks. You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets. A peaceful meditation is one without gas. You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force. You have an X-wing up on blocks in your front yard. You lost a hand during a lightsaber fight because you stopped to spit. You think the worst part about spending time on Dagobah is the "dadgum skeeters." Wookies are offended by your B.O. You use the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. Your father said to you, "Shoot, Son, com'on over tuh the dark side, it'll be a hoot." You use your R-2 unit's self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue to light. The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can't find it. You have a stuffed womp rat over your fireplace.

MORE REDNECK HUMOR Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it until she's fourteen. _____________________________________________ How do you know when your staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says, "go ahead." ____________________________________________ How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married? There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.. _____________________________________________ Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.. ________________________! ______________________ What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi? A documentary.. ______________________________________________ How many rednecks does it take to eat a 'possum? Two. One to eat and one to watch for traffic.. ______________________________________________ Where was the toothbrush invented? Arkansas. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.. ______________________________________________ Arkansas State Trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says "Bout what?" ______________________________________________ Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.. _______________________________________! _______ Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Nearly everyone has the same DNA.. _____________________________________________ Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas Burned Down? Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.. ______________________________________________ A new law recently passed in North Carolina: When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.. ______________________________________________ What's the best thing ever to come out of Arkansas? I-40.. _____________________________________________ What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common? Somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.. ______________________________________________ A Mississip! pian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurryover here. My house is on fire!" "OK," replied the fireman, "How do we get there?" "Shucks, don't you still have them big red trucks?" _____________________________________________ Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movies theater in groups of 18 or more? 'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.. ______________________________________________ What do you have when you have 32 Rednecks in the same room? A full set of teeth...

Howdy Howdy One thing I would add to the state mottos for Colorado would be: "If God meant Texans to ski he would have made bullshit white." Although not a state motto, a popular Chicago slogan still in use is: "VOTE EARLY, VOTE OFTEN!" de Mike radio cosmo international Not broadcasting from scenic Lake Michigan.....

LOL Mike!!! Love the Texas one... and on that note here is the scenario for a new Survivors series: A major network is planning the show "Survivor 4" this winter. In response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style." The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio,on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns." The first one to make it back to Dallas wins.

FOOT-AND-MOUTH BELIEVED TO BE FIRST VIRUS UNABLE TO SPREAD THROUGH MICROSOFT OUTLOOK Researchers Shocked to Finally Find Virus That Email App Doesn't Like Outlook Atlanta, Ga. (SatireWire.com)_ Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Symantec's AntiVirus Research Center today confirmed that foot-and-mouth disease cannot be spread by Microsoft's Outlook email application, believed to be the first time the program has ever failed to propagate a major virus. "Frankly, we've never heard of a virus that couldn't spread through Microsoft Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least, unexpected," said Clive Sarnow, director of the CDC's infectious disease unit. The study was immediately hailed by British officials, who said it will save millions of pounds and thousands of man hours. "Up until now we have, quite naturally, assumed that both foot-and-mouth and mad cow were spread by Microsoft Outlook," said Nick Brown, Britain's Agriculture Minister. "By eliminating it, we can focus our resources elsewhere." However, researchers in the Netherlands, where foot-and-mouth has recently appeared, said they are not yet prepared to disqualify Outlook, which has been the progenitor of viruses such as "I Love You," "Bubbleboy," "Anna Kournikova," and "Naked Wife," to name but a few. Said Nils Overmars, director of the Molecular Virology Lab at Leiden University: "It's not that we don't trust the research, it's just that as scientists, we are trained to be skeptical of any finding that flies in the face of established truth. And this one flies in the face like a blind drunk sparrow." Executives at Microsoft, meanwhile, were equally skeptical, insisting that Outlook's patented Virus Transfer Protocol (VTP) has proven virtually pervious to any virus. The company, however, will issue a free VTP patch if it turns out the application is not vulnerable to foot-and-mouth. Such an admission would be embarrassing for the software giant, but Symantec virologist Ariel Kologne insisted that no one is more humiliated by the study than she is. "Only last week, I had a reporter ask if the foot-and-mouth virus spreads through Microsoft Outlook, and I told him, 'Doesn't everything?'" she recalled. "Who would've thought?"

They'll never make it back to Dallas, they'll do ok in Austin though.

The part about taking away the guns would be the biggest pisser! de cosmo

Ya mean the pink car is not a problem? You're probably right about the guns. Anywhere is the south you don't even THINK about that! Austin is Way Cool. Big D... not! ~*~Signs of the Times~*~ Electrician's Truck: Let us remove your shorts. Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day. On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog. On a Maternity Room Door: Push, Push, Push Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place. Scientist's Door: Gone Fission Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff. Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels. Sign on Fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive. Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment. Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming. Hotel: Help! We need inn - experienced people. Butcher's Window: Pleased to meat you. Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman,and the 2nd one just left. Veterinarians Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay! The Electric Company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be. Beauty Shop: Dye now! Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Computer Store: Out for a quick byte Diner Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up. Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop. Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want. Music Library: Bach in a minuet. Funeral Home: Drive carefully, we'll wait.

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: * Two Italian men and one Italian woman * Two French men and one French woman * Two German men and one German woman * Two Greek men and one Greek woman * Two English men and one English woman * Two Irish men and one Irish woman * Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman * Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman * Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman * Two American men and one American woman One month later on these stunning islands, the following events have transpired: * One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. * The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a- trois. * The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of visits with the German woman * The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the woman is cleaning and cooking for them * The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. * The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun. * The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming. * The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions. * The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquorstore/restaurant/Laundromat and got the Chinese woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store. * The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.

The French figured it out!

Why is sex alot like playing bridge? If you have a good hand, you dont need a partner!

Gads - ok... conversation afterward gets a bit boring, though... ANAGRAMS An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has far too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one!) George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He bugs Gore Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in em Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler Snooze Alarms: When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes: When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: It can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into: TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Subject: Points to Ponder...! Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is a boxing ring square? Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is it that rain drops but snow falls? Why is it that to stop Windows 95 or 98, you have to click on "Start"? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary? Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton had a big red slap mark on his cheek. (1) The blonde thought - "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face" (2) The fat lady thought - "That dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him". (3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me". (4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again".

EXERCISE 1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month. 2. My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She is now 97 and we don't know where she is. 3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. 4. I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. 5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing. 6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, we would have been made with them farther up our bodies. 7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. 8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. 9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. 10.If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. 11. And last, but not least, I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Pass the word around quietly that spring.net is moving to a new server, I'm doing this by remote control while I'm on vacation. Folks need to "save their work" as a precaution. I got *soaked* big time by our currnet hosts this month on bandwidth charges, I haven't notified them yet so I don't want to blast this all over porch or drool, but Marci please email appropriate folks (ann, etc) and let them know to make backups. I'm available by email or 512 680 4888 while I'm in SF, CA this week.

Did that and are well on our way to being reinstated - Telnet too - on new server!!! Now, to get it to accept my posts......sigh. This serveris far superior - Mahalo Nui Loa, Terry!

Inappropriate Children's Books 1) You Are Different and That's Bad 2) The Boy Who Died From Eating All of His Vegetables 3) Dad's New Wife Robert 4) Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share 5) Hammers, Screwdrivers, and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book 6) The Kid's Guide to Hitch-hiking 7) Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her 8) Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence 9) All Cats Go to Hell 10) The Little Sissy Who Snitched 11) Some Kittens Can Fly 12) That's It, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption 13) Grandpa Gets a Casket 14) The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator 15) Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia 16) The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy 17) Strangers Have the Best Candy 18) Whining, Kicking, and Crying to Get Your Way 19) You Were an Accident 20) Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will 21) Pop! Goes the Hamster, and Other Fun Microwave Games 22) The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan 23) Your Nightmares Are Real 24) Where Would You Like to Be Buried? 25) Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School 26) Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Can Be Friends 27) Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things 28) Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Thanks JK *Hugs* Bumper Stickers that SHOULD exist 1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. 2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. 3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me 4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. 7) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. 8) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 9) BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. 10) I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made. 11) So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute 12) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 13) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 14) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing. 15) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. 16) My kid had sex with your honor student. 17) Earth first...we'll mind the other planets later. 18) I'm just driving this way to piss you off. 19) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 20) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. 21) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ. 22) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 23) God must love stupid people, he made so many. 24) The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 25) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 26) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. 27) I took an IQ test and the results were negative. 28) It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. 29) Give me ambiguity or give me something else. 30) I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself. 31) Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself. 32) Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. 33) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes. 34) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. 35) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 36) CAT----- The Other White Meat 37) Beer----- The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon 38) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes 39) I'm Out Of Bed And Dressed-----What More Do You Want? 40) Remember My Name------You'll Be Screaming It Later. 41) Welcome To Shit Creek-----Sorry, We're Out of Paddles 42) If You Think I'm A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother. 43) Jesus loves you. Everybody else thinks you're an asshole

In the Birmingham Sunday Mercury (7th Jan 2001): WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR 5 DAYS Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay. George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend. His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: "George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything. "He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself." A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts for medical textbooks when he died. You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally. And the moral of the story: Don't work too hard. Nobody notices anyway.

************************* We Have Been Diagnosed ************************* Friends, I'm writing you to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed with a very serious condition and there's no hope I will ever get over it... It may be hereditary as well... The scientific world is frantically searching for a cure. This is an ailment many of us suffer from and may not as yet have been diagnosed... However, now you may be able to discuss it with your loved ones and try to explain what really happened to you all those times you tried so hard to accomplish something and didn't... It's called the "Butfirst Syndrome." It's like when I decide to do the laundry -I start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. Okay, I'm going to do the laundry - Butfirst I'm going to read the newspaper. After that, I notice the mail on the table... Okay, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack, Butfirst I'll look through that pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Now where's the checkbook? Oops! There's the emptyglass from yesterday on the coffee table. I'm going to look for thatcheckbook, Butfirst I need to put the glass in the sink. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water. I put the glass in the sink, and darn it, there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What's it doing here? I'll just put it away, Butfirst I need to water those plants. Head for door and Ack! Stepped on the dog. :x Dog needs to be fed... Okay, I'll put that remote away and water the plants... Butfirst I need to feed the dog! At the end of day: Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are unpaid, checkbook is still missing, and the dog ate the remote control... AND, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done all day, I'm baffled,because I KNOW I was BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious....and I should get help, Butfirst I think I'll read all my email!

*************************** Real Southerners know.... *************************** The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit. Pretty much how many fish make up a mess. What general direction cattywumpus is. That "gimme sugar" don't mean pass the sugar. When somebody's "fixin" to do something, it won't be long. The difference between Yankees and damn Yankees. How good a cold grape Nehi and cheese crackers are at a country store. Knows what, "Well I Suwannee !!" means. Ain't nobody's biscuits like Grandma's biscuits!! A good dog is worth its weight in gold. Real gravy don't come from the store. The War of Northern Aggression was over state rights, not slavery. When "by and by" is. How to handle their "pot likker". The difference between "pert near" and "a right far piece". The differences between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and trailer trash. Never to go snipe hunting twice. What happens when you swallow tobacco juice. Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn. You may wear long sleeves, but you should always roll 'em up past the elbows. You should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to anybody. A belt serves a greater purpose than holding Daddy's pants up. Rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress relievers. Rocking chairs and swings with an old person in them are history lessons. GOD BLESS DIXIE , Flag and All !!! ------------------------------ AND PS: Did you know the Confederate flag was Originally Designed by a Negro??? Bet ya didn't ;-)

***************** Aimless thoughts ***************** The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content. I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here. "I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast." I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that. I got a sweater for Christmas... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. I see your IQ test results were negative. Regular naps prevent old age .....especially if you take them while driving. When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shit head's. Women should not have children after 35. Really...35 children are enough Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect. "Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive." Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted. I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18." How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. I mixed Rogaine with Viagra... now I've got hair like Don King. The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

Poland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small 2 seater plane crashed into a cemetery this morning. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that the number will climb as the digging continues into the night.

For the above I thank an eminent American archaeologist who wishes to remain anonymous! Thanks anyway, Don!

This clever piece reprinted from the Taiwan daily Gazette, by staff writer Wun Wing Lo: In a heroic dogfight fought over international waters off the mainland China coast, a 60's era American built Lockheed Electra propeller airliner with 24 US Navy passenger/observers aboard chewed up one of China's best state-of-the-art supersonic fighter aircraft. The Americans, utilizing the infrequently seen combat tactic of straight and level flight, often accomplished by relying solely on autopilot, engaged the unfortunate single seat combat jet and knocked it out of the air using only one of the EP-3's four formidable rotating air mass propellers. After the action the crew and passenger/observers dropped in on China's Hainan Island Resort for some much-deserved R&R as guests of the Chinese government.

******************** Very Special People ******************** 1. When his. 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: he peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned, this time it worked. 2. Laborer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to restore his sight and said agreeably to his wife: 'Boy, you sure have got fat in four years'. 3. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. 4. Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti, Rumania, were naturally somewhat taken aback when she abruptly leapt from her coffin as it was being carried to the grave. Before they could react to this unexpected outburst, the woman bounded into the nearest road, where she was run over and killed by a passing car. 5. An American tourist in South America had the misfortune to be attacked by killer bees as he stood on the bank of the Amazon. Seeking refuge, he leapt into the river - and was devoured by piranha fish. 6. A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather coconuts from trees demonstrated a pressing need for a refresher course when it leapt onto the shoulders of a passer-by in Kuala Lumpur and tried to twist his head off. The man was treated at a local hospital for a sprained neck. 7. In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old youth was charged with beating up his fifteen-year-old wife after the latter hid the caps to his toy pistol. 8. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. [Understandably,] he shot her dead. 9. One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was chosen in 1979 was taste in clothing. 10. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. 11. In Minneapolis, USA, 28 year old Derrick L Richardson has been charged with third-degree murder of his much loved cousin, Ken E. Richardson. According to local police, Derrick had suggested to Ken that they play a game of Russian Roulette, but, having no revolver, instead put a semi-automatic pistol to his cousin's head. Apparently, he did not realize that one bullet always loads into the firing chamber of a semi-automatic. 12. Texan prisons have banned convicts on death row from having a last cigarette, on the grounds that it is bad for their health. 13. An American teenager was in a hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked about how he received the injuries, the lad told the police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. 14. Thrash-happy judges in Saudi Arabia have sentenced a Filipino man to 75 lashes for possession of alcohol - after he was caught with two chocolate liqueurs at an airport. 15. Following the initiatives of the Afghan Taliban government - which has banned kite-flying, TV watching and wearing white socks - Iran is also cracking down on its more decadent citizens. Ayatollah Mohammed Yadzi has decreed that dog walking is to be made illegal, saying that taking dogs out onto the streets was 'a public insult', as it was a blind imitation of Westerners.

China Blames U. S. for Yet Another Midair Collision BEIJING (Reuters) - Chinese officials have stated that they are holding the United States, "fully responsible" for today's mid-air collision, involving several Chinese aircraft and one American craft. This comes just weeks after a similar incident involving a U. S. spy plane. Officials have stated that at approximately 8:25 a. m., GMT, a squadron of Chinese F-8 fighters collided with an American Goodyear Blimp. The crash left over a dozen Chinese planes downed and the blimp's electronic billboard damaged. Sources say the billboard's scrolling marquee had been advertising the soft drink 7-UP, but after the collision, only the words "Up yours" could be seen. A Chinese pilot who witnessed the collision between his squadron, nicknamed, "Panda Rash" told China's Xinhua news agency that he saw the American blimp dive out of the clouds and crash into wingman Sum Yung Gui's F-8 jet. "I told Yung Gui his tail was all broken. 'Keep it straight. Keep it straight'", said the pilot. "He just couldn't shake the American foreign-devil!" The blimp then reportedly veered hard left and then right, taking out the rest of the squadron. Pilot Chawp Suey told Xinhua the American blimp is "fully responsible for the incident", repeating the language Beijing has used in the earlier incident. China blames this new accident on the Goodyear blimp, saying it rammed the supersonic fighters, and has demanded an apology. Officials from the Goodyear Company have said it is unlikely that the slow propeller-driven blimp could turn inside and ram a dozen nimble fighters, unless the Chinese were testing chimp pilots. "The direct cause of the collision was that the American blimp made a sudden big move toward the Chinese planes, making it impossible for the Chinese planes to get out of the way", Suey was quoted as saying. "The savage act of American blimps colliding with Chinese planes while conducting spying activities at sporting events makes us indignant", he was quoted as saying.

For someone very special - I have not forgotten! If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you." --- Winnie the Pooh "True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost." ---Charles Caleb Colton "A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out." "Friendship is one mind in two bodies." ---Mencius "Friends are God's way of taking care of us." "If you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend." ---Stone Temple Pilots "I'll lean on you and you lean on me and we'll be okay." ---dave Mathews band "If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them." "Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say." "We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere." --- Tim McGraw "My father always used to say that when you die, if you've got five real friends, then you've had a great life." ---Lee Iacocca "Hold a true friend with both your hands." ---Nigerian Proverb "A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words." ---unknown

*************** The Pharmacist *************** Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket." "Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued,"Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it...half of them hit the floor and broke." "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer...and believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell here how to use it.

For the religious, the less religious, and those who just need English practice .... Background: Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned in any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. _____ Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to follow them: a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die? i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Your devoted disciple and adoring fan

That would keep Dr. Laura pretty busy.

In the Beginning... In the Beginning, God created heaven and the earth. Quickly He was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why He began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that He just liked to be creative. Then God said "Let there be light", and immediately the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the fire; that He would obtain a building permit; and to conse! rve energy, would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said He would call the light 'Day' and the darkness 'Night'. Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics. God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed". The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth". Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society. Everything was fine until God said he wanted to complete the project in Six days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-! 12 months before ..... At this point, God created Hell.

To celebrate Marcia's birthday let's all go and learn a little Hawaiian!!!! Go look at this site ... it's a beauty! http://www.geocities.com/~olelo/ HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

Why Engineers Don't Write Cookbooks (source unknown) Thanks for sending this, JSK. *Hugs* Chocolate Chip Cookies Ingredients: 1. 532.35 cm3 gluten 2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3 3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite 4. 236 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride 5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11 6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11 7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde 8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein ovoids 9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao 10.) 236 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10) To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank &Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

Maggie! Thank you! How did you know Kealii Reichel is my favorite Hawaiian singer? His stuff is so gloriously beautiful. Kawaipunahele is my favorite but I like anything he does. What a lovely site. Mahmlo Nui Loa!

WOMEN'S BUMPER STICKERS 1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME. 2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS. 3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING. 4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS. 5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG. 6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH. 7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN 8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN. 9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF. 10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN. 11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES? 12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES 13. AND YOUR POINT IS?

Knowing when to scream Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave and they're getting a little impatient. But the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon and the flight can take off immediately there after. The entrance opens and two men walk upthe aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a white, tipped cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the men enter the cockpit. The door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing around, nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the edge of the water at the end of the airport's property. It begins to look as though the plane will never take off - that it will plow into the water!! Panicked screams fill the cabin -- but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly. Soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die?!"

Son of YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF.... You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center. Your boat / 55 Chevy has not left the driveway in 15 years. You burn your yard rather than mow it. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. You come back from the dump with more than you took. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list. You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. You've bathed with flea and tick soap. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell. You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture. You took a fishing pole to Sea World. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. You have a rag for a gas cap. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. You can spit without opening your mouth. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler. You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

THIS EXPLAINS IT ALL... All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead. Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cell necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak, and some of their cards are in their shorts. This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as "Engineers." Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Fighter Pilots." A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as......"Mr. President."

************** Bra Shopping ************** A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife" What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?" "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied The salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what the types were. The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?" Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?" The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft Error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules. Each poem has only three lines, 17 syllables: five syllables in the first line, seven in the second, five in the third. Haiku is used to communicate a timeless message often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity -- the essence of Zen: ------------------------------------------ Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone. ------------------------------------------ The Website you seek Cannot be located, but Countless more exist. ------------------------------------------- Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. --------------------------------------------- Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much. ------------------------------------------------ Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. -------------------------------------------------- Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that. -------------------------------------------------- First snow, then silence. This thousand-dollar screen dies So beautifully. -------------------------------------------------- With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found. --------------------------------------------------- The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao-until You bring fresh toner. ------------------------------------------------- Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down. -------------------------------------------------- A crash reduces Your expensive computer To a simple stone. -------------------------------------------------- Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred. ------------------------------------------------- You step in the stream, But the water has moved on. This page is not here. -------------------------------------------------- Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. ------------------------------------------------- Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped. -------------------------------------------------- Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

***************** LAWYER IN SPACE! ***************** NASA was interviewing professionals they were figuring on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth. The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater--Rice University." The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question. "Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research." The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars." "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."

After first seeing Microsoft's slogan for its upcoming Windows XP operating system, "it just works," I couldn't help wondering: what were the slogans for all the previous releases? After thinking about it for a while, they became obvious. Windows 1.0: Good joke, eh? Windows 2.0: Still funny, isn't it? Windows 286: Yeah, we're still kidding. Windows 386: Going boldly where Desqview has been for years. Windows 3.0: It's finally worth buying! Windows 3.1: It's finally worth using! Windows 95: Going boldly where the Mac has been for years. Windows 98: More usable! Less stable! Windows 98SE: More stable! Less usable! Windows ME: Less usable AND less stable! NT 1.0: Give me more hardware! NOW!!! NT 2.0: Dammit, I said MORE HARDWARE!!! NOW!!!! NT 3.0: Which part of "more hardware" do you not understand? NT 3.5: With enough hardware, I'd work. Honest. NT 4.0: Does less than Win98 with twice the hardware at one-half the speed. Windows 2K: Works almost as well as Windows 98! Honest! Windows XP: It just works.

Aloha Gary! Welcome to Spring. Where better to greet the funniest man on the planet than here?! Make yourself comfortable, take off your shoes and get laid back (Watchit!) *Hugs* is how we greet special newcomers. Consider that you have also been bedecked with a lei. I'd put it another way but I do not want to hurt your delicate sensibilities. *;)

Buying a Modern Bathing Suit I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture & humiliation known as buying a bathing suit. When I was a child, bathing suits for women with a "mature" figure was designed for a mature figure. Reinforced, and not so much sewn as engineered to hold back & lift up where necessary. Todays stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip! The mature woman has a choice....she can either shop in the maternity department & try on a floral suits with a skirt and come off looking like a hippo from Disney's Fantasia, or wander from store to store only to find what amounts to a designers idea of fluorescent rubber bands. I made what I thought was a sensible choice from the non-maternity dept. and entered into the "chamber of horrors" known as the dressing room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary strength of the stretch material. I believe the Lycra used in this suit was developed by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot! I fought my way into the suit of choice but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror.....my bosom had disappeared! Eventually, I found one bosom cowering under my left armpit and it took a while to find the other flattened against my seventh rib. I eventually figured out the problem. These modern suits have no bra cups! The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed bump. As I realigned my "speed bump" and turned toward the mirror to take a full view assessment of the fit, I found only bits of me willing to stay inside where they belonged. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of playdough wearing undersized cling wrap! As I tried to work out where all those extra bits of me had escaped from, in pops the prepubescent sales girl to see if I needed any assistance. I replied that I would be grateful if she would show me some other designs. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a wad of masking tape; two floral numbers that gave me the appearance of an oversized napkin in a napkin ring and a leopard skin suit with ragged frill which made me look like Tarzan's Jane pregnant with triplets and having a rough day! The black number with a midriff gave off the thought of a jellyfish in mourning and the bright pink pair had such high cut legs I would have had to wax my eyebrows to wear them! Finally I found a suit that fit...a two piece affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was comfortable, inexpensive and bulge friendly so I bought it. When I got home, I read the label which said "Material may become transparent in water". Oh goody!.......I'm determined to wear it anyway. I'll just try to remember leave the towel by the step as I crawl out of the pool, or do a breast stroke maneuver in the sand if at the beach. A mature woman can only take so much torture in one year.

Sounds like you're trapped in that suit for life. It's the last outfit you'll ever need. Have you tested the water theory yet, be sure to have your webcam on when you do this test as you'll need some scientific observers to validate the findings. And send some pictures of you doing that breast stroke in the sand.

I am happy to report that this lady is not so over-bountifully endowed that I have that sort of abundant poundage to squash into the suit of choice. However, locals swim in cutoff shorts and tank tops. No one buys store-bought swim suits except for the tourists. I'll make certain you have the front row when next I strip down for a dive in the drink! See that Hilo Webcam I mentioned? That's the Pacific you see and it is right where some surfers gather when the swell direction is just right. Marci, hangin' ten

What's that webcam address again?

http://www.tsunami.org/hilobaycam.htm (it works best on Netscape!) ************************************ STEVEN WRIGHT'S BEST DEADPAN HUMOR! ************************************ I put Instant Coffee in a Microwave and went back in time. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station... Can atheists get insurance for acts of God? If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP? Does fuzzy logic tickle? If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery? I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"? Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? What WAS the best thing before sliced bread? Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow. I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was doing. I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it. I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that." I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?" My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes. I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger. I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open. I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open. You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time. I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick." There aren't enough days in the weekend. My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on. The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards. Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill. Is "tired old clich=E9" one? If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows. Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business. I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back. I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension. I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, 'Can I help you?' And I said, 'Yeah, do you got anything I like?' He said, 'What do you mean do we have anything you like?' I said, 'You started this'. If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? How come abbreviated is such a long word? If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead? Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers? Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, 'Give me two boys and a girl'. What's another word for Thesaurus? If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go? One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95. I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, 'I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month.' Why is it, 'A penny for your thoughts,' but, you have to 'put your two cents' in? Somebody's making a penny. When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep well?' I said, 'No, I made a few mistakes.' If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut? War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'Help Wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'Self Service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. On the other hand... You have different fingers. If the pen is mightier than the sword, then in a duel I'll let you have the pen! It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room temperature. I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar'. In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute. Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time. It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. How young can you die of old age? I went to a restaurant that serves 'Breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'Pet supplies'. So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said 'Compact cars'... I've been doing a lot oF abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it. My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York. If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile =3D 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6". It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it. One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators. I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four." I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology...The study of milkmen. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is? Does the reverse side also have a reverse side? If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus. You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time. How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb? I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg. I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club? When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare? My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. Smoking cures weight problems...eventually... Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?" I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back. Half the people you know are below average. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house. While I was gone, somebody rearranged all the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: 'Do I know you?' Doing a little work around the house, I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, 'Go ahead, touch it... It feels real'. My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me! Do fish get cramps after eating? Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door? Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air. My socks DO match. They're the same thickness. Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour. I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes". My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year. I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs. The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum. I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale." I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York. A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will." I had my coat hangers spayed. I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone. I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded." I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake. When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety. It's a fine night to have an evening. Even snakes are afraid of snakes. I can't stop thinking like this. This isn't all true. You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time. I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet. I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect. What are imitation rhinestones? If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? If God dropped acid, would he see people? I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose. I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. Next week I'm moving to Mars, so if you have any boxes ... A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here'. Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture. If "con" is the opposite of "pro", what is the opposite of progress? Why is it that lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent? Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer? I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. You can't have everything. Where would you put it? Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (this is one of my long time favorites) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. A fool and his money are soon partying. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?" Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle. I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today." I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job." My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? Whatever happened to preparations A through G? Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. I like to reminisce with people I don't know. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, 'Cut it out'. I filled out an application that said, 'In Case Of Emergency Notify...' I wrote 'Doctor'... What's my mother going to do? If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time." So what's the speed of dark? How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them? After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water? Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food? If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

To all those who strive for higher learning: A pre-med student had to take a difficult class in physics. One day, the professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" "To save lives," the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted. "It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.

************************************** A few of lifes unanswered questions ************************************** Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is a boxing ring square? Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is it that rain drops but snow falls? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the person who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is? Can fat people go skinny-dipping? Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

****************** Hold Your Horses ****************** President Bush is representing the United States of America on a highly formal, orchestrated state visit to England. Air Force One stops at a bright red carpet along which the President strides to join Queen Elizabeth II in a beautiful, ornate 17th-century coach hitched to 6 enormous matched white horses. The coach proceeds through the streets of London en route to Buckingham Palace, the Queen and the President waving to the cheering throngs. Then suddenly the right rear horse produces a thunderous, cataclysmic fart that reverberates through the air and rattles the doors of the coach. Uncomfortable, the reaction of the two powerful figures is to focus their attentions elsewhere and behave as if nothing extraordinary had happened. But, the Queen is the first to realize that ignoring what had just happened is ridiculous. She explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets - - - I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." President Bush replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought --- you know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."

******************************* Bad American by George Carlin ******************************* I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies. I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it! I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang. I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer. I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason. I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized. I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English. I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions. I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July. I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened. I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality. My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it. I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter? I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut-the-#$%!-up already. I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution. I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are. I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years. I hate those bastards standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause. These people should be targets. I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again. I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents. I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. I think Dr. Seuss was a genius. I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise. I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States. If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American. If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you know. We need our country back!

8888888888888888888888888888 HAPPY FATHER'S DAY *HUGS* 8888888888888888888888888888 EXCERPTS FROM "A CAT'S GUIDE TO HUMAN BEINGS" 1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans? So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence. What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple: THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS. Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train. 2. How And When to Get Your Human's Attention Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping. Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice. Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want: Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it's something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children. Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human's sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious. 3. Punishing Your Human Being Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives: * Use the cat box during an important formal dinner. * Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude. * Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack. * After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling. * While your human is sleeping, lie on its face. 4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive? The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disemboweled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after they've been presented. After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbor's Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your human's face, you'll know it's worth it. 5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human? You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. Idiot # 1 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she=A0=A0 caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idiot # 2 Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon, which activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idiot # 3 A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stickup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. He read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idiot # 4 A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.=A0 Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idiot # 5 Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."=A0=A0 The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idiot # 6 A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.=A0 The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idiot # 7 Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglass. The whole event was caught on videotape. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idiot # 8 Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 am flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said they wouldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets, but are amazed to see that the three engineers only buy a single ticket. "How are all three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the lawyers. "Just watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats. All three engineers, however, cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea: So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip. Hey, if a bunch of engineers can run this scam, why not some sharp lawyers, they thought? When the lawyers get to the train station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't even buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer. "Just watch and you'll see" says an engineer. When they board the train the three lawyers immediately cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. As soon as the train is underway and has cleared the station, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Just in case you ever had gotten the two mixed up. This should make things a bit more clear for you . . . IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle. IN PRISON... you get three meals a day. AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK... you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself. IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON... you get your own toilet. AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat. IN PRISON... they allow your family and friends to visit; AT WORK... you can't even speak to your family. IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON... you spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out. AT WORK... You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK... they are called managers (Just so you're clear on this)

************************** The Essential Toolbox ************************** HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. A perfect thumb locator too. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and leather jackets. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VICE-GRIPS: Also used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing grease out of. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for, the last 15 minutes. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...." HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a vehicle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a vehicle upward off a hydraulic jack. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build up. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your tool box after determining that your battery is dead as a door nail, just as you thought. METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under vehicles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads and can double as oil filter removal wrench by stabbing through stubborn oil filters. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off. PRYBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

DOGS AND COMPUTERS: SAME OR DIFFERENT? - Favorite Food Dogs: kibbles Computers: bits - Method used to end undesirable behavior Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper Computers: hit control-alt-delete - After destruction of personal property D: dog not found C: file not found - Favorite trick D: roll over C: play dead - Comic-page hero D: Dogbert C: Dilbert - Fun way to mess with their heads D: peanut butter on roof of mouth C: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive - Consequence of virus D: replace valuable carpeting C: replace valuable data - Widely ignored government mandate D: leash law C: Communications Decency Act - Waste disposal tool D: pooper-scooper C: uninstaller (necessary only on Win-tel machines!) - Sensitive internal procedures D: must be undertaken by fully qualified professional C: may be undertaken by that guy at work who fixed "one kind-of like this" once - Method of marking territory D: lifting leg C: "Designed for Windows 95" - Unique behavior D: lick and drag C: click-and-drag

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO OU ***************** THE SUBURBANITES ***************** GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought ?and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles. ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to ?great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass. GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these suburbanites really want ?all that Grass growing there? ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn. GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the homeowners happy. ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it ?grows a little, they cut it - sometimes twice a week. GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay? ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it ?up and put it in bags. GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they ?sell it? ST. FRANCIS: No Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away. GOD: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will Grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay ?to throw it away? ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir. GOD: These Earthlings must be relieved in the summer ?when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work. ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord. ?When the grass Stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water ??it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it. GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the ?trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The ?trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the ?summer. In the autumn they fall on the ground and form a natural blanket ?to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life. ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The ?Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away. GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose? ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home ?and spread it around in place of the leaves. GOD: And where do they get this mulch? ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch. GOD: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have they ?scheduled for us tonight? ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a real stupid movie about..... GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. ?Francis.

*************************************** Why a Handgun is Better Than a Woman *************************************** You can buy a silencer for a handgun. You can trade a 44 for two 22's. You can have a handgun at home and another for the road. If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and let you try a few rounds with it. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup. Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. Handguns function normally every day of the month. A handgun won't ask, "Do these grips make me look fat?" A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you're done using it. You can have more than one handgun living in the same house without having problems.

The following are all quotes from 11 year old children's science exams: 1) When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire. 2) H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water. 3) To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. 4) When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. 5) Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state. 6) Water is composed of 2 gins, Oxygin & Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. 7) Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers. 8) Blood flows down one leg and up the other. 9) Respiration is composed of 2 acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration. 10) The moon is a planet just like earth, only it is even deader. 11) Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull. 12) Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire. 13) A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. 14) Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas. 15) The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, & u. 16) The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects. 17) The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana. 18) The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to. 19) A permanent set of teeth consists of 8 canines, 8 cuspids, 2 molars, & 8 cuspidors. 20) The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight. 21) A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is. 22) Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception. 23) Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa. 24) Germinate: To become a naturalized German. 25) Liter: A nest of young puppies. 26) Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat. 27) Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away. 28) Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky. 29) Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot. 30) Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives. 31) Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative. 32) To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. 33) For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops. 34) For drowing: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration. 35) For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor. 36) For dog bite: Put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it. 37) For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead. 38) To prevent contraception: wear a condominium. 39) For head cold: Use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat. 40) To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.

Hugs of Mahalo to Cheryl for this bit of good stuff: Cat Physics by Steve Bernard Law of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse. Law of Cat Motion: A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction. Law of Cat Magnetism: All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric. Law of Cat Thermodynamics: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat. Law of Cat Stretching: A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken. Law of Cat Sleeping: All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat. Law of Cat Elongation: A cat can make his body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it. Law of Cat Acceleration: A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop. Law of Dinner Table Attendance: Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served. Law of Rug Configuration: No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long. Law of Obedience Resistance: A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for him to do something. First Law of Energy Conservation: Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible. Second Law of Energy Conservation: Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping. Law of Refrigerator Observation: If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat. Law of Electric Blanket Attraction: turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light. Law of Random Comfort Seeking: A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room. Law of Bag / Box Occupancy: All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond. Law of Cat Embarrassment: A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to his embarrassment times the amount of human laughter. Law of Milk Consumption: A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can. Law of Furniture Replacement: A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture. Law of Cat Landing: A cat will always land in the softest place possible. Law of Cat Disinterest: A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him. Law of Pill Rejection: Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity. Law of Cat Composition: A cat is composed of Matter + Antimatter + It Doesn't Matter

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven. One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit. "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?" "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces." "Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates. "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic." Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St.Peter. Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!" "Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."

AND NOW FOR SOME STATISTICAL INFO From recent US Dept. of Health and Human Services official figures... Number of physicians in the US: 700,000. Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year: 120,000. Accidental deaths per physician ... 0,171 Number of gun owners in the US: 80,000,000. Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) 1,500. Accidental deaths per gun owner: 0.0000188 Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. FACT: Not everyone has a gun, but everyone has at least one Doctor. Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand. As a Public Health Measure I have withheld the statistics on Lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical aid.

TECHOMETER (Brit techie jokes) 1. Not tonight, I've got a headache from staring at the screen all day. 2. Oh gosh, your e-mail literally arrived just before you called, literally, let me read it literally right now. 3. I'm afraid you're breaking up, darling. The train's going into a tunnel. 4. honest, miss, my dad's robot dog ate my homework. 5. Er, I'd love to see you again but I've emigrated to Peru .... Yes, aren't mobiles wonderful. 6. I coundn't make breakfast in bed because the intelligent toaster is on strike for better working conditions. 7. My car's satellite navigation thought I ment Bedford in Wisconsin ad drove me into the sea. [Remember this is Brit joke!] 8. No, I'm not here, I mean he's not here. I mean. er, I've stolen this phone. 9. I have to take my mouse to have his ball fixed. 10. I never wrote that! It must have been a hacker.

lolol Maggie, I think this is just about universal. Bedford I did understand - you gotta be VERY specific with those GPS thingies. I get those headaches too. But, mine are real and earned! Thanks!

I loved the mouse ball ..... (well I need cheering up just now ....)

Although I got a late birthday pressie from a lad in Arizona yesterday ... an Amazon voucher .. just spent a lovely evening choosing my pressie ...

Aren't you the fancy one. My men are lucky to remember I even have a birthday - whch is fine with me. Their best wishes were lovely and all I wanted. (I sure would like to know what it is about you who never gets anything from anybody...) Just Kidding, m'dear! ************************************ And now for a little dose of truth! ************************************ 1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. 4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 23. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. 24. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Oh, the above is from my most valued friend and AMERICAN archaeologist who is still plying his trade and writing Melungeon books. Thanks Don! *Hugs*

And this lovely bit of humor from Mike. There is only one of him on earth, of that I am certain! *Hugs* An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so. The mother pushed and, after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. The little boy responded: "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.""Spank him again."

Thanks Lucie, for this one: Junk Mail When you get those pre-approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with postage paid return envelopes, right? Well, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes! Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Or a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their application back! Just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them. Heck, you can send it back empty if you want to--just to keep them guessing! Let's turn this around, and eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting mostly crap back in the mail. Let's let them know what it's like to get junk mail, and best of all... THEY'RE paying for it! Twice! Let's help keep our postal service busy since they say e-mail is cutting into their business and that's why they need to increase postage again! Please think about sending this note to a friend or two or three...or fifty....

From Mike - my Cajun connection: Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50? A: Your honor. Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad? A: Senator. Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? A: Depends on how thin you slice them. Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 36 feet deep? A: Because down deep, they are all nice guys! Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? A: Shoot him before he hits the water. Q: Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print. Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant. Q: Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps? A: Because people could not tell which side to spit on.

From Frank - he finds the most amazing stuff: ************************* What Would Jesus Drive? ************************* One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because "the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury." But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm." Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast." Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..." Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."

THINGS MOM WOULD NEVER SAY "Be good and for your birthday I'll buy you a motorcycle!" "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?" "Don't bother wearing a jacket--it's quite warm out." "Let me smell that shirt--yeah, it's good for another week." "I think a cluttered bedroom is a sign of creativity." "Yeah, I used to skip school, too." "Just leave all the lights on...it makes the house more cheery." "Could you turn the music up louder so I can enjoy it, too?" "Run and bring me the scissors! Hurry!" "Aw, just turn these undies inside out.=A0 No one will ever know." "I don't have a tissue with me--just use your sleeve." "Well, if Timmy's Mom says it's okay, that's good enough for me." "Of course you should walk to school and back. What's the big deal about having to cross a few main streets?" "My meeting won't be over till later tonight. You kids don't mind skipping dinner, do you?"

WINDOWS 98 - BROOKLYN EDITION Dear Consumas: It has come ta our attention dat a coupola copies of the WINDOWS 98/BROOKLYN EDITION may have accidentally bin shipped outsida Broooklyn. If ya got one a dese, you may need some help understandin' da commands. Da Brooklyn edition may be recognized by da unique openin' screen. It reads: "WINDAS 98," wit a background picture of Grand Army Plaza. When you start da program, instead of da usual "harpy, stringy" music, you hear da teme from da Godfadda. It is also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava. Please also note: --Recycle Bin is labeled "Staten Island." --My Computer is called "My Friggin' Computa." --The Inbox is referred to as "Da Trunk." --Deleted Items are referred to as "Wacked," "Erased," or "Rubbed Out." --Dial up Networking is called "Da Bar." --Control Panel is known as the "Da Bosses." --Performin' an "illegal operation" is known as "enhancin' the family business" and will=20 actually maximize da program instead of shuttin' it down. --Hard Drive is referred to as "Da BQE Rush Hour." --Instead of an error message a "You ain't gonna friggin' believe dis!" pop= s up. CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA BROOKLYN EDITION: OK.....................................Sure ting Cancel...............................Fugetaboutit Reset..................................Start Ova Yes.....................................Yeah No........................................Nah Find.....................................Put a contract out on Browse................................Get a looksee Back....................................U toin Help....................................(Help ain't available - yous don't need no stinkin' help) Stop.....................................Knock it off Start.....................................Move it! Settings................................Here's d' Rules Also note dat any voice recognition software run on da BROOKLYN EDITION platform don't recognize da letter "R." Some programs and udder accessories dat are exclusive to WINDAS 98: Typa......................................A word processin' program Printa.....................................Printer Calculata...............................Calculator Solitare...................................Seven Card Stud We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of da BROOKLYN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. Yous got a problem wit dat? BILL ("4 eyes") GATES

(For all the men who like to send blonde jokes, paybacks are hell...). How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them. Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer. What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds mature. Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know; it has never happened. When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it. How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes.

WATER OR COKE? This article is a summary of an American study of the effects of dehydration...with a few facts about coke to make it interesting. WATER ***** We all know that water is important but I've never seen it written down like this before. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated.(Likely applies to half of the world population.) In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%. One glass of water shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer. Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day? ================================================= COKE **** No wonder coke tastes soooo good: 1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident. 2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days. 3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and .......Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china. 4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola. 5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion. 6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes. 7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, Remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy. 8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, And run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean the road haze from your windshield. FYI: 1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. It has a Ph of 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. 2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly corrosive materials. 3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years! Now the question is, would you like a glass of water or a coke? _________________________________________________________________

Stress management technique Just in case you've had a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in the latest psychological tests, the funny thing is that it really works. Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air. No one but you knows your secret place. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world". The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is crystal clear. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under water...

******* Golf ******* Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind. *** There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies. *** Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players. *** An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging. *** Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golf ball. It sat in the same spot. So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle. Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?" Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on that ball!" *** One day there were two guys playing golf on a Sunday, like they have every week possible for the past 3 years. Right when the first man was about to swing his club, a woman in a wedding dress came running down the fairway yelling, "You bum! You lousy bum! You promised!" The man said "Honey, I said only if it rains today."

God grant me SERENITY to live with the glitches, and cyberspace twitches, the freezes and crashes, and bloated disk caches. COURAGE to download new updates, and send in all rebates, to add some more RAM, and to get a vid-cam. WISDOM to remember that as smart as I am, or how shrewd I might be: Who's really in charge? The Computer, not me!

Hi ... I'm back .. for little while at least ...

Great, what's happinin' Magpie!

Tell us about the fire and trying to get the inflated sheep out of harm's way! (You won't believe this one!)

What's happening??? Chaos that's wot!! Eldest daughter gets married on sept 7th. They are buying our house so we need to find another .. preferably nearer the university. In the past few weeks we have had an offer accepted on an apartment and then pulled out as we found the lease was too short. Now we have had an offer accepted on another apartment .. hopefully it will go through but we don't have a moving date yet and we're still sorting the mortgage out. We got back for Scotland in time for the stag night (batchelor party???) .. and yes, a blow up sheep was involved. We're not quite sure why. The blowling alley where they started off had a fire alarm because a burger caught fire and Glenn (the fiance) had trouble getting his sheep out of the building. They then tanked up on more liquid fuel and went for a curry. Meanwhile the girls and I decided to have a girly night in doing henna tattoing and watching a video. My tatto is around my belly button ..and sorry, no I don't have a pic of it! The guys arrived home and the younger daughter's fiance was definitely worse for wear and made a nuisance of himself. Huband was quite sober but declared he'd enjoyed himself OK. Yesterday morning, avoiding the sleeping bodies around the place we went off to church and enjoyed a picnic lunch by the Thames. Bodies were gone by the time we got back .. clear up starts today. The hen night (batchelorette party??) is on sept 1st. We ar going on the london eye (huge ferris wheel opposite the huse of parliament) and a 1970s disco on the Thames .. haven't decided on my costume yet. Magpie

Wow, these are some major changes in your life, Maggie. You blew up a sheep? Whoa! No tattoo, pic, darn! That Hen Night sounds like one resounding, gala event, you'll give us a full report, right?

Just heard we'd been 'gazumped' on the apartment .... someone put in a much higher offer and we've lost it. ***%%%$$�� So back to square one in house hunting again ....

There is lots of unused space at the University. Check for broom closets... Seriously, this sounds very serious. I am delighted my son can take care of himself and his housing and his wedding. I will just show up in my best Hawaiian gown and flowers and be gracious. That's what mothers are supposed to do. I think my dad would have pitched my husband me out on our collective ear to stand on our own feet..but that was then, and this is now. I think you need to stop and think about Maggie for a change! This is insanity! Kids can get along in empty lofts and live on love. Mothers cannot! End of sermon! *********** Chocolate *********** Chocolate is a vegetable. How, you ask? Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable. To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. If you eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, the calories actually counteract each other. Money talks. Chocolate sings! ... Beautifully. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy? If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you? If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

I AM thinking about Maggie! Selling to the kids makes sense .. this house is not rentable and I need to be nearer the university, and its convenient for both of them for work. We keep equity in this house which is good investment. The trouble is that housing is SO expensive in this area .. for all of us. At the moment there is a rush for investment buying .. in the price range we are looking at .. that is a pain for us. Oh well .. something will work out I guess ...

ok.. yeah I know! Reading is prime commuting area for London and Swindon AND Reading all of which are growing commercially. *Hugs* I wish you every success!

Which of course makes it a good place to buy ... but difficult!

It is a great investment area for certain. Great train service and so on. Now, if we were only rich, instead of gorgous... huh, Maggie! *;)

Too true Marcia. Saw a nice one again today .. 2 bed maisonette ... upstairs apartment with garage and little garden. BUT seems the lease is short ... may be difficult to sell on ...seeing another upstairs apartment with garage underneath tomorrow evening.

Let us know how it goes. How exhausting and disheartening! Good luck and *HUGS*

Will do ... up early tomorrow meeting friend from Dunfermline's daughter off the plane at Heathrow at 6.30 am ..she's been working in South Africa for a couple of months in one of the townships. Picniced by the Thames with the family of a student of mine who works in Gambia. Heard today from her that four of the five men we worked as a team with In Gambia have died ... none of them was much over 50. Feel really sad. Remind me to tell you the latest on the sheep ...named Baabara of course....

Hmmmm count of my asking about Baarbara. How sad about the friends who departed far too soon. What is the cause? Or is life expectancy that low in Africa?

Mid-life For Ladies Mid-life is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache. Mid-life women no longer have upper arms; we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts; we are flying squirrels in drag. Mid-life has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear end without turning around. Mid-life is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. It's more like splat! Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!" Mid-life is when you realize that, if you were a dog, you would need a control top flea collar. Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked. You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and know it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in a film. Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones. Mid-life can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?" Mid-life is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water. The good news about mid-life is the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.

The guy who sent me the above is gonna pay for it!!! Btw, none of the above applies to me...YET

Baabara now gets taken to bed to annoy other half ... that's the short story!Yes, life expectacy is very short in Gambia .. 50 is old age! I think 35 is the average age and child mortality is high. It was still a great shock to hear.

It sounds like it's working... but don't let on! The life expectancy was not much longer than that at the turn of the last century! Here!!!

When Books Get Merged "Green Eggs and Hamlet" Would you kill him in his bed? Thrust a dagger through his head? I would not, could not, kill the King. I could not do that evil thing. I would not wed this girl, you see. Now get her to a nunnery. (Robin Parry, Arlington) "Machiavelli's The Little Prince" Antoine de Saint-Exupery's classic children's tale as presented by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human nature is embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters, all of whom are executed. (Erik Anderson, Tempe, Ariz.) "Fahrenheit 451 of the Vanities" An '80s yuppie is denied books. He does not object, or even notice. (Mike Long, Burke) "Where's Walden?" Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in each richly-detailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear that he is always in the woods. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) "Catch-22 in the Rye" Holden learns that if you're insane, you'll probably flunk out of prep school, but if you're flunking out of prep school, you're probably not insane. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) "2001: A Space Iliad" The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane 10-year war against the Greeks after falling victim to the Y2K bug. (Joseph Romm, Washington) "The Maltese Faulkner" Is the black bird a tortured symbol of Sam's struggles with race and family? Does it signify his decay of soul along with the soul of the Old South? Is it merely a crow, mocking his attempts to understand? Or is it worth a cool mil? (Thad Humphries, Warrenton) "Jane Eyre Jordan" Plucky English orphan girl survives hardships to lead the Chicago Bulls to the NBA championship. (Dave Pickering, Bowie) "The Scarlet Pimpernel Letter" An 18th-century English nobleman leads a double life, freeing comely young adulteresses from the prisons of post-Revolution France. "The Invisible Man of La Mancha" Don Quixote discovers a mysterious elixir which renders him invisible. He proceeds to go on a mad rampage of corruption and terror, attacking innocent people in the streets and all the while singing "To fight the Invisible Man!" until he is finally stopped by a windmill. "Singing in the Black Rain" A gang of vicious Japanese druglords beat the daylights out of Gene Kelly. "Of Three Blind Mice and Men" Burgess Meredith has his limbs hacked off by a psychopathic farmer's wife. Did you ever see such a sight in your life? "Planet of the Grapes of Wrath" Astronaut lands on mysterious planet, only to discover that it is his very own home planet of Earth, which has been taken over by the Joads, a race of dirt-poor corn farmers who miraculously developed rudimentary technology and evolved the ability to speak after exposure to nuclear radiation. "Paradise Lost in Space" Satan, Moloch, and Belial are sentenced to spend eternity in a flying saucer with a goofy robot, an evil scientist, and 2 annoying children. "The Exorstentialist" Camus psychological thriller about a priest who casts out a demon by convincing it that there's really no purpose to what it's doing.

************** Definitions ************** Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent- mindedly answer the door in your nightie. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

A recent survey listed the top "party schools" among the nation's colleges. The top 5 were: 5. University of Colorado 4. Florida State 3. University of California at Santa Cruz 2. Louisiana State University 1. University of Tennessee "But Chris," you ask, "How can I tell if *my* college is a party school?" The Top 15 Signs You're Attending a Party School 15. Only three people show up to the 9:00 am Biology class -- and they all bring Scotch. 14. The med school just won the Nobel Prize for discovering a hangover cure. 13. Bookstore's most popular item? The Double XXX: a porn video and 3 tabs of Ecstasy. 12. Crowds at football games are entertained by the sideline antics of the mascot in a giant foam-rubber Charlie Sheen costume. 11. They let you redeem Mardi Gras beads for classroom credit. 10. Calculus final exam problem begins with: "One hundred bottles of beer on the wall..." 9. Tuition: $3,250; Books: $510; Bail: $17,900 8. Your school's Alcohol Awareness Counselor: Bud Miller. 7. You can work your way off Academic Probation by chugging a sixer of Meister Brau in front of the Dean. 6. All of the triple-beam scales have been liberated from the Chemistry lab. 5. You're chosen as commencement speaker at your own graduation because you can recite the entire Greek alphabet in one burp. 4. Jell-O shots are half price during Sunday morning chapel services. 3. Question 4 on the Admissions application: "You're not a cop, are you?" 2. Someone seems to have taken the alcohol used to preserve the lab's deformed calf fetus. and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're Attending a Party School... 1. Bill Clinton gave the commencement address in June -- and hasn't left yet.

Comments by Ted Nugent with thanks to Don for sending it to me: The follow was written by Ted Nugent, the rock singer, hunter, and naturalist upon hearing that California Senators Barbara Boxer and Diane Feinstein denounced him for being a "gun owner" and a "Rock Star." This was his response after telling the senators about his past contributions to children's charities and scholarship foundations which have totaled more than $13.7 million in the last 5 years!! "I'm a Bad American - this pretty much sums it up for me. I like big trucks, big boats, big houses, and naturally, pretty women. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies. I don't care about appearing compassionate. "I think playing with toy guns doesn't make you a killer. I believe ignoring your kids and giving them Prozac might. I think I'm doing better than the homeless. I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized. I have the right not to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird or make me mad. This is my life to live, and not necessarily up to others expectations. I know what SEX is and there are not varying degrees of it. I don't celebrate Kwanzaa. But if you want to that's fine; just don't feel like everyone else should have to. I believe that if you are selling me a Dairy Queen shake, a pack of cigarettes, or hotel room you do it in English. As of matter of fact, if you are an American citizen you should speak English. My uncles and forefathers shouldn't have had to die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come disrespect ours, and make us bend to your will. Get over it. I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry butt if you're running from them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word 'freeze' or 'stop' in English, see the previous line. don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions. I know how to count votes and I feel much safer letting a machine with no political affiliation do a recount when needed. I know what the definition of lying is, and it isn't based on the word "is" -- ever. I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you qualify for any special loan programs, gov't sponsored bank loans, etc., so you can open a hotel, 7-Eleven, trinket shop, or any thing else, while the indigenous peoples can't get past a high school education because they can't afford it. I didn't take the initiative in inventing the Internet. I thought the Taco Bell dog was funny. I want them to bring back safe and sane fireworks. I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang, but that doesn't mean I want to listen to that crap from someone else's car when I'm stopped at a red light. But I respect your right to. I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster or Jack In The Box. I don't want to eat or drink anything with the words light, lite or fat-free on the package. Our soldiers did not go to some foreign country and risk their lives in vain and defend our Constitution so that decades later you can tell me it's a living document ever changing and is open to interpretation. The guys who wrote it were light years ahead of anyone today, and they meant what they said - now leave the document alone, or there's going to be trouble. I don't hate the rich. I help the poor. I know wrestling is fake. I've never owned, or was a slave, and a large percentage of our forefathers weren't wealthy enough to own one either. Please stop blaming me because some prior white people were idiots - and remember, tons of white, Indian, Chinese, and other races have been enslaved too - it was wrong for every one of them. I believe a self-righteous liberal with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude. I want to know exactly which church is it where the "Reverend" Jessie Jackson preaches; and, what exactly is his job function. I own a gun, you can own a gun, and any red blooded American should be allowed to own a gun, but if you use it in a crime, then you will serve the time. I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it makes you mad, then invent the next operating system that's better and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy Al Gore, the one who invented the Internet, to help you. I don't believe in hate crime legislation. Even suggesting it makes me mad. You're telling me that someone who is a minority, gay, disabled, another nationality, or otherwise different from the mainstream of this country has more value as a human being that I do as a white male. If someone kills anyone, I'd say that it's a hate crime. We don't need more laws! Let's enforce the ones we already have. I think turkey bacon, turkey beef, turkey fake anything sucks. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child - it takes a parent with the guts to stand up to the kid and spank his butt and say "NO!" when it's necessary to do so. I'll admit that the only movie that ever made me cry was "Ole Yeller." I didn't realize Dr. Seuss was a genius until I had a kid. I will not be frowned upon or be looked down upon or be made to keep silent because I have these beliefs and opinions. I thought this country allowed me that right. I will not conform or compromise just to keep from hurting somebody's feelings. I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise. Yes, I guess by some people's definition, I may be a bad American. But that's tough."

Headlines: Year 2055 1. Florida is finally readmitted to the union. 2. Spotted Owl plague now threatens Western crops & livestock. 3. George Z. Bush says he will run for President. 4. 50 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. 5. Nursing home event--Clinton denies Candy Striper allegations. 6. Texas executes last remaining citizen. 7. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants. 8. Baby conceived naturally..... Scientists stumped. 10. Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles. 11. Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches. 12. Unionized Chinese workers now making 4,000,000,000 yen an hour. American owned businesses now returning to cheap labor in USA. 13. White minority demands civil rights and reparations. 14. New California law requires that all machetes, steak knives and baseball bats be registered before January 2056.

For this one JSK gets the *Hugs* Actual Writings on Hospital Charts 1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. 4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission. 7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful. 8. The patient refused autopsy. 9. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days. 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 13. She is numb from her toes down. 14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. 15. The skin was moist and dry. 16. Occasional constant infrequent headaches. 17. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 18. Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid. 19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. 20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. 25. Skin: somewhat pale but present. 26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. 27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree. 28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 29. Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities

Thanks, JSK.... you are a veritable fount of wonder this week when we could use a little levity. SAY WHAT People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists. Here are some signs seen around the world: Doctor's office, Rome SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES Hotel, Acapulco THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE. Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF. Car rental brochure, Tokyo WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR. Sign in men's rest room in Japan TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT. On a poster at Kencom ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP. In a City restaurant OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO. One of the Mathare buildings MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE. A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS. In a Pumwani maternity ward NO CHILDREN ALLOWED. In a cemetery PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES. Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED. In a Tokyo bar SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS. In a Bangkok temple IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN. Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM. Hotel brochure, Italy THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLI- TUDE. Hotel lobby, Bucharest THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE. Hotel, Yugoslavia THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID. Hotel, Japan YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY. From the "Soviet Weekly" THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS. Hotel catering to skiers, Austria NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION. Supermarket, Hong Kong FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE. In an East African newspaper A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.

```````` ** Last Memorable Moments ** ```````` On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. She stands up in front of the plane. Screaming, "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, eyes riveted, on the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He is gorgeous. Tall, well built, with long flowing black hair and blue yes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt......... One button at a time........ No one moves...... He removes his shirt......... Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her...... He extends the arm holding his shirt out to the trembling woman........ And whispers........ ............."Iron this."

I think I've found inner peace. My therapist told me a way to achieve inner peace was to finish things I had started.... Today I finished 2 bags of potato chips, a lemon pie, a fifth of Jack Daniels and a small box of chocolate candy. I feel better already.

Things I Wish I'd Known ... Before I Went Out In The Real World" 1. Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying "Why, thank you" (though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent). 2. Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on stage singing, some are in the audience as critics and some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are. 3. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas. 4. When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste. 5. Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiters and doesn't like dogs/cats. 6. Good sex should involve laughter. Because think about it, it is funny. 7. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape. 8. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right." 9. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 10. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm. 11. The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave me was, "Go! You might meet somebody!" 12. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her- -believe it. 13. I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?' 14. Never pass up an opportunity to pee. 15. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance! 17. Knowing how to listen to music is as great a talent as knowing how to make it. 18. Work is good but it's not that important. 19. Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man. 20. And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

I don't think you've had this one ... but I'm not sure ... Subject: Memo I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees in all seriousness...It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor! (Especially note last sentence.) Replacement of Mouse Balls: If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacture of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Lovely Maggie! It is ROTF material and I have not seen it before. Thanks!

Thanks Jsk, for this bit of stuff important to Everyone who calls himself an American GUNS 101 -- A History Refresher Course a. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject. b. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone. c. Smith & Wesson. The original point and click interface. d. Gun control is not about guns, it is about control. e. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords? f. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words. g. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms. h. If you don't know your rights, you don't have any. i. Those who trade liberty for security have neither. j. The United States Constitution (C) 1791. All Rights Reserved. k. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand. l. The Second Amendment is in place in case the other amendments are ignored. m. 64,999,987 firearm owners killed no one yesterday. n. Guns have only two enemies, Rust and Politicians. o. Know guns, know peace and safety; No guns, no peace nor safety. p. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive. q. What is 911? A government sponsored "Dial a Prayer". r. Assault is a behavior, not a device. s.Criminals love gun control. It makes their job easier and safer. t. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson. u. Only a government that is afraid of it's citizens trys to control and disarm them. v. You have only the rights you are willing to fight for. w. Enforce the "gun control laws" in place; don't make more. x. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves. y. The American Revolution would never have happened with "Gun Control". z. "....a government by the people, for the people......"

What to do if you happen upon a peace rally by stupid naive college idiots, to teach them why force is sometimes needed: 1) Approach dumb, ignorant student talking about "peace" and saying there should be, "no retaliation." 2) Engage in brief conversation, ask if military force is appropriate. 3) When he says "No," ask, "Why not?" 4) Wait until he says something to the effect of, "Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence." 5) When he's in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can. 6) When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would, "be awful and he should not cause more violence." 7) Wait until he agrees that he has pledged not to commit additional violence. 8) Punch him in the face again, harder this time. Repeat steps 5 through 8 until they understand that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.

Thanks, Jsk... you did not realize you'd be imortalized here, did you?! Jake Sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown paper Jake?", he asks. "What's he look like?", asks one shoddy looking cowboy. "Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a brown paper hat, a brownpaper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket." "So what's he wanted for?", asks the same cowboy. "Rustlin'...", replies the Sheriff.

thanks to HFL for this: Supposedly a true story: A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked if it was dead or alive. "Dead," she was informed. "How do you know?", she asked. "Because I pissed in his ear and it didn't move," said the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?", the teacher squealed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'pssst' and he didn't move."

The "Two Cow Explanation" of What Makes ... A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor. A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what? A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage. DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN-STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government. CAPITALISM, AMERICAN-STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN-STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead. A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk. A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch. A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap. A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5,000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others. A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1,000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy. AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

16 Things To Do In A Drive-Thru LaneActual Newspaper Headlines (collected by actual journalists) 1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 2. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 3. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case 4. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents 5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? 7. Stud Tires Out 8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands 10. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms 11. Eye Drops off Shelf 12. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim 13. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax 14. Miners Refuse to Work after Death 15. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 16. Stolen Painting Found by Tree 17. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies 18. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter 19. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years 20. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 21. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures 22. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge 23. Deer Kill 17,000 24. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 25. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Thanks Cheryl..... they are VERY good and very funny. It is nice to have a bit of humor again!

The following contains a much deeper truth. Thanks to JSK for sending it. I was going to bed the other night when Mom told me that I had left the light on in the shed, she could see from the bedroom. As I looked for myself, I saw that there were people in the shed taking things. I phoned the police, but they told me that no one was in this area to help at this time, but they would send someone over as soon as they became available. I said OK, hung up, waited one minute, and then phoned the police. "I just called you a minute ago because there were people in the shed taking things. Well, you don't have to hurry now cause I've shot them all." Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed. One of the officers said: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" I replied with, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" Moral: Irritation occasionally works where motivation fails.

Thanks and Hugs to Barbara for this one. Go 'Noles!!! The Modern Toolbox Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself. Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver. Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka. Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install. Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels. Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself. Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway. Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool. Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911. Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house. Chain saw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself. Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.

Thanks to You-know-who-you-are According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen- had to be a girl. We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost!

From B the Immaculate: Ten Rules of Housekeeping 1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh. 2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption. 3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone. 4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?" 5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this. 6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand sewn play animals for underprivileged children. 7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive." 8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..." 9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had the heart to clean it..." 10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspi cuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."

You Must Be A Teacher If... You believe the staff room should have a Valium salt lick. You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free." You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside. You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids are sure mellow today." When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior. Marking all A's on the report card would make your life SO much simpler. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac. You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into home schooling. You've never had your profession slammed by someone who would never dream of doing your job. You can't have children of your own, because there is no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it. Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?" ~~~~~~

Headlnes in the year 2035 (thanks L_McL) *Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon) * Afghanistan still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. *Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. * Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock. * George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. 35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. * Nursing home event... Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with candy striper. * Texas executes last remaining citizen. * Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants. * Baby conceived naturally.....scientists stumped. * Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million. * Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles. *Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches. * Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed. * New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.

Thanks to D&FL) Subject: Advice from kids "Never trust a dog to watch your food." -Patrick, age 10 "When your dad is mad and asks you,"Do I look stupid?' Don't answer." -Hannah, age 9 "Never tell your Mom her diet's not working." -Michael, age 14 "Stay away from prunes." -Randy, age 9 "Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to." -Emily, age 10 "When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair." -Taylia, age 11 "Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment." -Traci, age 14 "A puppy always has bad breath-even after eating a Tic-Tac." - Andrew, age 9 "Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time." - Kyoyo, age 11 "You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." -Amir, age 9 "Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." -Kellie, age 11 "If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." -Naomi, age 15 "Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick." -Lauren, age 9 "Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." -Joel, age 10 "When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone." -Alyesha, age 13 "Never try to baptize a cat." -Eileen, age 8

Thanks DB... It was just a matter of time: Merry Christmas Bin Laden 'Twas the night before Payback and all through the Land, They're running like rabbits in Afghanistan, Osama's been praying, he's down on his Knees, He's hoping that Allah will hear all his Pleas. He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and Shatter, But all that he's done is just make us Madder. We ain't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut, And we'll kick your butt, with one heavy Boot. And yes we remember the USS Cole, And the lives of our sailors that you bastards Stole. You think you can rule us and cause us to Fear, You'll soon get the answer if you live to Hear. And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam, And he ain't forgotten the sound of our Bombs. You think that those mountains are somewhere to Hide. They'll go down in history as the place where you Died. Remember Khadhafi and his Line of Death? He came very close, to his final Breath. So come out and prove it, that you are a Man, Cause our boys are coming and they have a Plan. They are our fathers and they are our Sons, And they sure do carry some mighty big Guns. They would have stayed home with children and Wives, Till you bastards came here and took all those Lives. Osama I wrote this especially for You, For air mail delivery by B-52. You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle, Old Glory is coming, attached to a Missile. I will not be sorry to see your ass Go. It's Red, White, and Blue that is running this Show

Memo for Civilians Dear Civilians, We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation have many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas we would like your assistance with: 1) The next time you see someone (an adult) talking during the playing of the National anthem.....kick their ass. 2) When you witness firsthand someone burning the American Flag in protest...kick their ass. If you see this on television, as many of us have, you are simply required to have a deep burning suddenly arise inside of you....then go and kick their ass. 3) Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all Veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these Veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these Veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while the Veteran kicks their ass. 4) If you are not in the military, DO NOT pretend that you are. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDUs), telling others that you used to be "Special Forces", and collecting GI Joe memorabilia might have been okay if you were still seven, but now it will only get your ass kicked. (Veterans are exempt from this rule) 5) If you witness someone calling an enlisted Marine "Sir," stand back.....a Marine will kick their ass. 6) Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them "Do you fly a jet?" Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. A Marine will be called to kick your ass. (Children are exempt) 7) Roseanne Barr's singing of the National Anthem is not a blooper....it was a disgrace and disrespectful. Laugh and sooner or later, your ass will be kicked. 8) Next time Old Glory prances by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her and the military member or Veteran lucky enough to carry her. Your stupid funnel cake will forgive you if you stand for 5 minutes with your hand over your heart. You might as well be throwing the funnel cake at the flag if you don't stand.....of course, either will earn you a severe ass kicking. 9) What Jane Fonda did about Vietnam makes her the enemy....hate her or else. (Asses will be kicked) 10) Don't try to discuss politics to a military member. We might vote as separate parties, but that doesn't mean we don't all bleed the same. We are, simply put, Americans. Our military Chain of Command, to include our Commander in Chief...the President... (for those who didn't know) is all that we acknowledge. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings where all those "representatives" meet. The military member might direct you to Oliver North. (I can see him kicking your ass already.) 11) "Your mama wears combat boots" never made sense to me....stop saying it! If she did, I'm damn proud of her and she would most likely kick your ass! 12) Bin Laden and the Taliban are not communists. So stop saying, "Let's go kill those Commie's!!!" And stop asking us where he is!!!! Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me...if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers, let me know. So I can kick their ass. 13) Last but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families!! Every Thanksgiving and Christmas that you enjoy with family and friends, there are thousands of troops overseas. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our country would get its ass kicked.

From Lucie.... our mothers told us about this (yeah , sure!) REMEMBER.... When the worst thing you could do at school was smoke in the bathrooms, flunk a test or chew gum. And the banquets were in the cafeteria and we danced to a juke box later, and all the girls wore fluffy pastel gowns and the boys wore suits for the first time and we were allowed to stay out till 12 p.m.... When a '57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise, peel out, lay rubber and watch drag races, and people went steady and girls wore a class ring with an inch of wrapped dental floss or yarn coated with pastel frost nail polish so it would fit her finger. And no one ever asked where the car keys were 'cause they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked. And you got in big trouble if you accidentally locked the doors at home, since no one ever had a key. Remember lying on your back on the grass with your friends and saying things like "That cloud looks like a..." And playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game. Back then, baseball was not a psychological group learning experience, it was a game. Remember when stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals 'cause no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger. And...with all our progress...don't you just wish...just once...you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace...and share it with the children of the 80's and 90's ...... So send this on to someone who can still remember Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, Laurel & Hardy, Howdy Doody and The Peanut Gallery, The Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Belle, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk as well as the sound of a real mower on Saturday morning, and summers filled with bike rides, playing in cowboy land, baseball games, bowling and visits to the pool...and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar. When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home. Basically, we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive by shootings,drugs, gangs,etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we all survived because their love was greater than the threat. Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that! And was it really that long ago?

From the inestimable Poubelle - again! *Hugs* ************************************* Bubba and Cooter go to College ************************************* Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic. "What's logic?" asked Bubba. The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-eater?" "I sure do." answered the redneck. "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good," the redneck responded in awe. The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house." Impressed, the redneck shouted, "GAWL-LEEE!!" "And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself, logic dictates that you have a wife." "Sally Mae! This is incredible!" (Bubba is ob! viously catching on.) "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual rather than homosexual" said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I can't wait to take this here logic class." Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting. "So what classes ya takin?" Cooter asks. "Math, history, and logic," replies Bubba. "What in tarnation is logic?" "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?" "No." "You're a queer, ain't cha."

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be a female. We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

From a very wise and wonderful woman close to my heart: Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally. Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble. We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose. We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all! We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem. Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare. Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help! Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain. I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too!

************************************ Politically Correct Office Party ************************************ MEMO: December 1st TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director ------------------------------------------------------------------------ MEMO: December 2nd TO: ALL EMPLOYEES In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director ---------------------------------------------------------------------- MEMO: December 3rd TO: ALL EMPLOYEES Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-- no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money. Patty Lewis, Human Researchers Director ---------------------------------------------------------------------- MEMO: December 7th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now? Patty Lewis, Human Racehorses Director ---------------------------------------------------------------------- MEMO: December 9th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." Patty Lewis, Human Ratraces ---------------------------------------------------------------------- MEMO: December 10th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me? The Bitch from Hell ---------------------------------------------------------------------- MEMO: December 14th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

This is good enough to put in Geo, but knowing the source as I do, I'll put it here. Thanks, Sweetie! *************** Good Advice *************** 1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas. 2. Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on stage singing, some are in the audience as critics and some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are. 3. Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying "Why,thank you"... (helps if you say it with a Southern accent). 4. When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste. 5. Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiters and doesn't like dogs/cats. 6. Good sex should involve laughter. Because think about it, it is funny. 7. You need only two tools. WD-40 & duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape. 8. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right." 9. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 10. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm. 11. The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave me was, "Go! You might meet somebody!" 12. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her-believe it. 13. I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, will this matter one year from now? One month? One week? One day?' 14. Never pass up an opportunity to pee. 15. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance! 16. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you. 17. Knowing how to listen to music is as great a talent as knowing how to make it. 18. Work is good but it's not that important. 19. Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man. 20. And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Poubelle strikes again. This is from him: *************************************** Things you'd like to say if you dared *************************************** I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. How about never? Is never good for you? I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again... I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don't give a darn. Visualizing? I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you being competent. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

For Wolfie if she is home-sick. With thanks to Poubelle Cajun Night Before Christmas 'Twas the night before Christmas, an' all t'ru de house, Dey don't a t'ing pass, not even a mouse. De chirren been nezzle good snug on de flo', An' Mama pass de pepper t'ru de crack on de do'. Den Mama in de fireplace done roas' us de ham, Stir up de gumbo, an' make de baked yam Den out on de bayou dey got such a clatter... Make soun' like old Boudreaux done fall off his ladder. I run like a rabbit to got to de do'... Trip over de dawg an' fall on de flo'! As I look out de do' in de light o' de moon, I t'ink, "Manh, you crazy, or got ole too soon." Cuz dere on de bayou when I stretch ma' neck stiff... Dere's eight alligator a-pullin' de skiff... An' a little fat drover wit' a lone polein' stick... I know r'at away got to be ole St. Nick... Mo' fas'er an' fas'er de 'gator dey came. He whistle an' holler an' call dem by name: "Ha, Gaston! Ha, Tiboy! Ha, Pierre an' Alcee! Gee, Ninette! Gee, Suzette! Celeste an' Renee!" To de top o' de porch dem ole 'gator clime! Wit' de skiff full o' toy an' St. Nicklus behin'. Den on top de porch roof it soun' like de hail When all dem big 'gator done sot down dey tail!---- Den down de chimney he fell wit' a bam... An' St. Nicklus fall an' sit on de yam! "SACRE!" he axclaim "Ma pant got a hole. I done sot mase'f on dem red hot coal!" He got on his foots an' jump like a cat... Out to de flo' where he lan' wit' a SPLAT! He was dress in musk-rat from his head to his foot An' his clothes is all dirty wit' ashes an' soot. A sack full o' playt'ing he t'row on his back. He look like a burglar, an' dass fo' a fack! His eyes how dey shine...his dimple, how merry! Maybe he been drink de wine from blackberry! His cheek was like rose...his nose like a cherry... On secon' tought maybe he lap up de sherry! --- Wit' snow-white chin whisker an' quiverin' belly, He shook when he laugh like de stromberry jelly! But a wink in his eye...an' a shook o' his head... Make my confidance dat I soon got to be scared. He don' do no talkin'...gone straight to his work... Put playt'ing in sock an' den turn wit' a jerk! He put bot' his han' dere on top o' his head, He cas' an eye on de chimney an' den he done said: "Wit' all o' dat fire an' dem burnin' hot flame... Me I ain' goin' back by de way dat I came." So he run out de do' an' he clime to de roof... He ain' no fool, him for to make one more goof. He jump in his skiff an' crack his big whip. De 'gator move down an' don' make one slip. An' I hear him shout loud as a splashin' he go: "Marry C'rismas to all...till I saw you some mo'!"

Recently The Washington Post printed an article explaining how the appliance manufacturers plan to drive consumers insane. Of course they don't SAY they want to drive us insane. What they SAY they want to do is have us live in homes where "all appliances are on the Internet, sharing information" and appliances will be "smarter than most of their owners." For example, the article states, you would have a home where the dishwasher "can be turned on from the office" and the refrigerator "knows when it's out of milk" and the bathroom scale "transmits your weight to the gym." I frankly wonder whether the appliance manufacturers, with all due respect, have been smoking something. I mean, did they ever stop to ask themselves WHY a consumer, after loading a dishwasher, would go to the office to start it? Would there be some kind of career benefit? YOUR BOSS: What are you doing? YOU (tapping computer keyboard): I'm starting my dishwasher! YOUR BOSS: That's the kind of productivity we need around here! YOU: Now I'm flushing the upstairs toilet! Listen, appliance manufacturers: We don't NEED a dishwasher that we can communicate with from afar. If you want to improve our dishwashers, give us one that senses when people leave dirty dishes on the kitchen counter, and shouts at them: "PUT THOSE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER RIGHT NOW OR I'LL LEAK ALL OVER YOUR SHOES!" Likewise, we don't need a refrigerator that knows when it's out of milk. We already have a foolproof system for determining if we're out of milk: We ask our wife. What we could use is a refrigerator that refuses to let us open its door when it senses that we are about to consume our fourth Jell-O Pudding Snack in two hours. As for a scale that transmits our weight to the gym: Are they NUTS? We don't want our weight transmitted to our own EYEBALLS! What if the gym decided to transmit our weight to all these other appliances on the Internet? What if, God forbid, our refrigerator found out what our weight was? We'd never get the door open again! But here is what really concerns me about these new "smart" appliances: Even if we like the features, we won't be able to use them. We can't use the appliance features we have NOW. I have a feature-packed telephone with 43 buttons, at least 20 of which I am afraid to touch. This phone probably can communicate with the dead, but I don't know how to operate it, just as I don't know how to operate my TV, which has features out the wazooty and requires THREE remote controls. One control (44 buttons) came with the TV; a second (39 buttons) came with the VCR; the third (37 buttons) was brought here by the cable-TV man, who apparently felt that I did not have enough buttons. So when I want to watch TV, I'm confronted with a total of 120 buttons, identified by such helpful labels as PIP, MTS, DBS, F2, JUMP and BLANK. There are three buttons labeled POWER, but there are times -- especially if my son and his friends, who are not afraid of features, have changed the settings -- when I honestly cannot figure out how to turn the TV on. I stand there, holding three remote controls, pressing buttons at random, until eventually I give up and go turn on the dishwasher. It has been, literally, years since I have successfully recorded a TV show. That is how "smart" my appliances have become. And now the appliance manufacturers want to give us even MORE features. Do you know what this means? It means that some night you'll open the door of your "smart" refrigerator, looking for a beer, and you'll hear a pleasant, cheerful voice -- recorded by the same woman who informs you that Your Call Is Important when you call a business that does not wish to speak with you personally -- telling you: "Your celery is limp." You will not know how your refrigerator knows this, and, what is worse, you will not know who else your refrigerator is telling about it ("Hey Bob! I hear your celery is limp!"). And if you want to try to make the refrigerator STOP, you'll have to decipher Owner's Manual instructions written by and for nuclear physicists ("To disable the Produce Crispness Monitoring feature, enter the Command Mode, then select the Edit function, then select Change Vegetable Defaults, then assume that Train A leaves Chicago traveling westbound at 47 miles per hour, while Train B..."). Is this the kind of future you want, consumers? Do you want appliances that are smarter than you? Of course not. Your appliances should be DUMBER than you, just like your furniture, your pets and your representatives in Congress. So I am urging you to let the appliance industry know, by phone, letter, fax and e-mail, that when it comes to "smart" appliances, you vote NO. You need to act quickly. Because while you're reading this, your microwave oven is voting YES.

Thanks to Ian for the following: Only available on Sky Digitaliban......TALIBAN 6.00 G-Had TV. Morning prayers. 8.30 Talitubbies. Talitubbies say "Ah-ah". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher. 9.00 Shouts of Praise. More prayers. 11.00 Jihad's Army. The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels. 12.00 Ready, Steady, Jihad! Celebrities make lethal devices out of every day objects. 12.30 Panaramadan. The programme reports on America's attempts to take over the world. 13.30 Xena: Modestly dressed Housewife. Xena stays at home and does some cooking. 14.00 Only Fools and camels. Dhal-boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers to Hamas. 14.20 Green Peter. The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk top bottle appeal is revealed. 15.30 I Love 629 (the year according to the Koran). A look back at the events of the year, Including the prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols. 16.00 Question Time. Members of the public face questions from political and religious leaders. 17.00 Koranation Street. Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery. 17.30 Middle-East Enders. The entire cast is jailed for unislamic behavior. 18.00 Holiday. The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again. 18.30 Top of the Prophets. Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week running? 19.00 Who wants to be a Mujahadin? Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions. Will contestants phone a mullah, go 'insallah', or ask the Islamic council. 20.00 Film: Shariah's Angels. The three burka-clad sleuths go undercover to expose an evil scheme to educate women. 21.30 Big Brother. Who will be taken out of the house and executed this week? 22.30 Shahs in their Eyes. More hopefuls imitate evil destroyers of the infidel. 23.30 They think it's all Allah over. Quiz culminating in the 'don't feel the Mullah' round. 00.00 When Imams attack. Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The filmers were also secretly shot. 12.30a.m. The West Bank Show. Arts programme looking at anti-Israel graffiti art in the occupied territories. 1.30 Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer. 2.00 The Gaza strip. The adult hour where couples discuss their favorite strategic positions. 3.00 A book at bedtime. The Koran . Again.

*I think Santa Claus is a woman* I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th-hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost in the snow and clouds, and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle. Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: - Men can't pack a bag. - Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. - Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves. - Men don't answer their mail. - Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly." - Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

************** One Texan ************** (With thanks to Poubelle) A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Texas soldier is better than ten taliban". The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls out "One Texan is better than one hundred taliban" Furious, the taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The Texan voice calls out again "One Texan is better than one thousand taliban". The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men; its a trap. There's actually two of them."

From *Doc* with thanks. DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. "I love snow"! December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea "I ever had". Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life! December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a "White Christmas". No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor. December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to *20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so. December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all. December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my but on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like the dickens. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel. December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. Gosh I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the white stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Freaking' snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying. December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to go to the bathroom. By the time I got undressed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think that he is lying and playing games; and I am it. December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying again. December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the jerk who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his feet. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for that jerk with that lousy snowplow. December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%^& slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. Gosh I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her. December 26: Still snowed in. Why on earth did I ever move here? It was all "HER" idea. She's really getting on my nerves. December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the water pipes all froze solid and then all broke apart What a mess that is now and no water now at all. December 28: Warmed up to above-50. Still snowed in. and SHE is driving me crazy!!! December 29: Ten more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave-in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am? December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. Nine inches more snow has been predicted for tomorrow. December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling to do. I moved into the YMCA awaiting my insurance adjuster to pay off my claim. Then heading to Tahiti for the rest of my life. I'll live on fresh caught fish, bananas and coconuts. Happy New Years from now on.

From Poubelle with thanks. He does tell a good story! A new two year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming a Husband That's right! In just six trimesters, you too can be a great husband as well as earn an MA degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline. FIRST YEAR Fall Schedule: MEN 101 Combating Stupidity MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104 Women Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas Winter Schedule: MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4 am MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook I EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers Spring Schedule: MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Butt face When You're Wrong MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers ECON 001B What Was Yours is Hers SECOND YEAR Fall Schedule: SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down Elective (See Electives Below) Winter Schedule: MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important part Sring Schedule: MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/FailOnly) MEN 221 Fanning the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important part II Course Electives: EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly MEN 231 Mothers-in-law MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear" ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her

What's the degree called that they give you for passing all these courses?

MA for Male Arts. Bet your MA stood for something else. Mine did! ***************************** How'd you break your arm? ***************************** With thanks to JK from whom some pretty good stuff flows! The Story: Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, the 'tell me when we're having fun' kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the urgency did not go away. If you've had nature hit the panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the lady weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods and no one would even notice. "The white will provide more than adequate camouflage," he assured her. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning the lady found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them and into another slope. Her reverse side was still bare, her ski pants around her knees and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued backwards, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The lady skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put and end to her nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol to transport her to a hospital. While she was in the emergency room, a man with a leg obviously broken was put in the bed next to hers. "So, how'd you break your leg? she asked making small talk. "It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he replied. "I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backwards down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes, and her pants down around he knees. I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift," he explained. "So, how'd you break your arm???

*LAUGH*

(I thought that one was so funny, I had to take time out away from my monitor until I could breath again. The picture is invokes...!) Redneck Medical Terms Artery......................The study of paintings. Benign......................What you be after you be eight. Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria. Barium......................What doctors do when patients die. Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome. Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty. Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her. Colic.......................A sheep dog. Coma........................A punctuation mark. D&C.........................Where Washington is. Dilate......................To live long. Enema.......................Not a friend. Fester......................Quicker than someone else. Fibula......................A small lie. Genital.....................Non-Jewish person. G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball. Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on. Impotent....................Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane. Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid. Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates. Node........................I knew it. Outpatient..................A person who has fainted. Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test. Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis. Post Operative..............A letter carrier. Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery. Rectum......................Darn near killed him. Secretion...................Hiding something Seizure.....................Roman emperor. Tablet......................A small table. Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport. Tumor.......................More than one. Urine.......................Opposite of you're out Varicose....................Near by

oh, i've seen this one make the rounds via email and it's still funny!

yup! Some of the best ones are the oldest ones.

Only some of these are factual but all are great. Thanks Pou! Interesting........................................... Did you know ......... It is impossible to lick your elbow. A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out. A shrimp's heart is in their head. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a mili-second. In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand (or attempted to do so - apart from Bones ). It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call. Rats and horses can't vomit. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die, if you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times. If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles? In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks. In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders. Most lipstick contains fish scales. Cat's urine glows under a black-light. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different. Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

(oooo, i'm a statistic, i tried to lick my elbow, you'd think it'd be easy since i'm part canine!)

you have that long flexible tongue - should be easy for you - and totaly natural. I can't wait to see you do this little maneuver. I'm booking my flight to CA now!

*laugh*

I just looked at the comment I made on post 843 and even I was shocked! I had no idea what I meant by that but prayed I did not need to delete it!

Bumper Stickers for Women SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE. I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPLE. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY? DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES. And my favorite ......... IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

From Don with thanks: True Southerners Know... Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption. Nobody but a true Southerner knows how many fish make up a mess. A true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of cattywumpus. A true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is as in "Going to town, be back directly." Even true Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table. All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. True Southerners know instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold tater salad. (If the trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add some hot biscuits and nanner puddin.') True Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "pert' near" and "a right far piece." True Southerners both know and understand the differences between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' White trash. No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn. True Southerners know that "fixin" can be used as a noun, verb and adverb.

From Pou the amazing, FOUR MEN WENT GOLFING ONE DAY. THREE OF THEM HEADED TO THE FIRST TEE AND THE FOURTH WENT INTO THE CLUB-HOUSE TO TAKE CARE OF THE BILL. THE THREE MEN STARTED TALKING AND BRAGGING ABOUT THEIR SONS. THE FIRST MAN TOLD THE OTHERS, "MY SON IS A HOME BUILDER, AND HE IS SO SUCCESSFUL THAT HE GAVE A FRIEND A HOME FOR FREE." THE SECOND MAN SAID, "MY SON WAS A CAR SALESMAN, AND NOW HE OWNS A MULTILINE DEALERSHIP. HE'S SO SUCCESSFUL THAT HE THAT HE GAVE A FRIEND A NEW MERCEDES, FULLY LOADED." THE THIRD MAN, NOT WANTING TO BE OUTDONE, BRAGGED "MY SON IS A STOCKBROKER, AND HE'S DOING SO WELL THAT HE GAVE HIS FRIEND AN ENTIRE PORTFOLIO." THE FORTH MAN JOINED THEM ON THE TEE AFTER A FEW MINUTES OF TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS. THE FIRST MAN MENTIONED THAT THEY WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT THEIR SONS AND ASKED THE FOURTH MAN HOW HIS SON WAS DOING. THE FOURTH MAN REPLIED, "WELL, MY SON IS GAY AND A GO-GO DANCER IN A GAY BAR." THE OTHER THREE MEN GREW SILENT AS HE CONTINUED, "I'M NOT TOTALLY THRILLED ABOUT THE DANCING JOB. BUT HE MUST BE DOING WELL. HIS LAST THREE BOYFRIENDS GAVE HIM A HOUSE, A BRAND NEW MERCEDES, AND A STOCK PORTFOLIO."

*laugh*

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies. I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English. I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents. I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer. I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution. I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened. I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality. I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason. I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized. I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions. I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July. My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it. I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter? I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already. I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are. I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years. I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again. I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food. I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. I think Dr. Seuss was a genius. I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise. If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American. If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you know. We need our country back!

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me,"would you please tie my shoe?" While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances used by the elderly, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a set of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!" A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning." A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!" A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

Special 13-week Men's Course *** NOTE : Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants. Topic 1 : How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays Step by step with slide presentation Topic 2 : The Toilet Paper Roll : Do they grow on the holders? Round Table discussion Topic 3 : Is it possible to urinate using the technique of lifting the seat up and avoiding the floor/walls and nearby bathtub? Group practice Topic 4 : Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor Pictures and Explanatory graphics Topic 5 : The after dinner dishes and silverware : Can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on Video Topic 6 : Loss of Identity : Losing the remote to your significant other. Online Support and Support Groups Topic 7 : Learning How to Find Things, Starting with Looking in the Right Place instead of Turning the House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum Topic 8 : HealthWatch : Bringing Her Flowers is Not Harmful to Your Health Graphics and Audio Tape Topic 9 : Real Men Ask for Directions When Lost Real Life Testimonials. Topic 10 : Men as copilots : Is It Genetically Impossible to Control Our Impulse to Back-seat Drive ? Driving Simulation including the most difficult -- Sitting Quietly as She Parallel Parks Topic 11 : Learning to Live : Basic Differences between Mother and Wife Online Class and Role Playing Topic 12 : How to Be the ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques Topic 13 : How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy : Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries, Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going to Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy sessions and Full Lobotomies offered. *** Upon completion of the Course diplomas will be issued to the Survivors

*giggling*

From my twin - I love it!!! Subject: Government Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator, Mr. Alan Pinkerton. He was actually the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time federal police authority has grown to a large number of agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, SS, ATF, etc. Now Congress is considering a proposal for another agency:The "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service." Can't you see it now, the new service in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs? "FATASS"

From JK who really was once a blond - but a guy blond... Attention all blondes SEND THIS WARNING TO EVERYONE ON YOUR EMAIL LIST. IF A MAN COMES TO YOUR FRONT DOOR AND SAYS HE IS CONDUCTING A SURVEY AND ASKS YOU TO SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS. THIS IS A SCAM, HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOUR BOOBS. I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

Cats and Dogs What is a Cat? 1. Cats do what they want. 2. They rarely listen to you. 3. They're totally unpredictable. 4. When you want to play, they want to be alone. 5. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 6. They expect you to cater to their every whim. 7. They're moody. 8. They leave hair everywhere. Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats. What is a Dog? 1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. 2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room. 3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. 4. They growl when they are not happy. 5. When you want to play, they want to play. 6. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7. They leave their toys everywhere. 8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. 9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you. Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

From Don with thanks and *Hugs* An Atheist In Nature An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God, save me" Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out and the sounds of the forest resumed. Then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, and bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful."

Computer illiterate Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are technologically challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin' yet." This is an excerpt from a "Wall Street Journal" article. 1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. 2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. 3. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door. 4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key. 5. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually. 6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer" The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer. 7. An exasperated caller to Dell Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse. 8. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine." 9. Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a "P". Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech: "P" on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!!!"

Different OATHS OF ENLISTMENT for each branch of service US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT "I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!" Signature ____ _______________ Date _____________ US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT "I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a Court-Martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual.....er.....I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!" Signature _____________________ Date_________________ US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT "I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer, and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, gee dunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completel different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon,and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!" Signature _______________________Date_______________ US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT "I, (make up a name the police won't recognize), swear..uhhhh.... high-and-tight.... grunt...cammies....kill....fix bayonnets and ....charge....slash....dig....burn....blowup....ugh...Air Force women....beer.....sailors wives.....air strikes....yes SIR!.... whiskey....liberty call....salute....Ooorah Gunny.... grenades...women....OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!" X____________________ Thumb Print XX _________________________________Teeth Marks

Three Sons Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, " I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it." Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote the first son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Marvin," she wrote to the second, "I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious!"

There are the only ten times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use...they are as follows: 10. "What the @#$% was that?" -Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" -Custer, 1877 8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -Einstein, 1938 7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -Picasso, 1926 6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" -Pythagoras, 126 BC 5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" -Michelangelo, 1566 4. "Where the @#$% are we?" -Amelia Earhart, 1937 3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers....My ass!" -Noah, 4314 BC 2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -Bill Clinton, 1999 And . . . drum roll . . . . . 1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad." Osama Bin Laden, November 2001 Author Unknown Source of the above is anonymous but related to me =)

************** State Mottos ************** Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It - Yet ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Rightwing Crazies, And Very Little Else ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nevada: Hookers and Poker! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney ... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tennessee: The Educashun State ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Vermont: Yep ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wyoming: Where Men Are Men . . . and the sheep are scared!

For Ladies Only 1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? - You shut the door. 3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there. 4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone. 5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway. 6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart. 7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity! to make some woman miserable. 8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it. 10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. 12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions. 13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks. 14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his. 15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

*Applause*

*standing ovation* *LAUGH*

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it. *falling over laughing*

I can see you incorporating that into your next Lizzie and Darcy story, EsBee. I really enjoyed that, myself.

Thanks and hugs to Ami for the following: HEALTH BULLETIN A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine, and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

that's what i'm talking about!

I suggested he resume his German for the sake of self preservation.

I can see you incorporating that into your next Lizzie and Darcy story, EsBee. hmm.... actually this is a V.V. good idea.... ;-) love the 'health tip' above....

I did too... ergo the suggestion he resume German, though it is not known how healthy or not that might be!

Hi all I must tell you the mottos of the provinces of New Zealand. Northland: Auckland: Nothing south of the Bombay hills or north of Waitemata Harbour. Waikato: Mooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!! Taranaki: The mountain IS the province. Manawatu: Cheesy (interpret it how you like) Wellington: We haven't been blown away yet... Wairarapa: Shaky province... Hawkes Bay: Art Deco land. East Cape/Gisborne: Bay of Plenty/volcanic Plateau: mmmm.... Sulphur. Nelson: Sunshine province. Marlborough: Good w(h)ine. West Coast: That province deserves a Monteiths! Canterbury: The folk at Jade Stadium have two eyes, not one. Otago: GOLD!!! Southland: Speights - pride of the south for over a hundred years. Rob

Umm with all due respect to East Cape/Gisborne, and Northland at the time of posting, I had not worked out motto's for them. Rob

They would probably be hysterical if I weren't so ignorant about New Zealand's geography and culture, Rob!

There is a topic for NZed in both travel and in Geo. But, you know us, we talk about whatever, wherever without the slightest remorse for wandering off topic!

Happily for us, Any topic is off-topic here!!! *removing my shoes and wiggling my toes in the sand*

LOL - that's right. This is the place for free thought assoication. We leap from topic to topic freely, often with no apparent rhym or reason. :-) *attempting to tap dance* ....*falling on my nose & wishing i was in the sand wiggling my toes with Marcia*

lovely day here - bring your sun block. It is almost painfully bright outside today. My flowers are ecstatic, and I seem to have has someone bring a few fleas into the house. No matter how much I try, the mangy guy and his dog keep following me into the house!

Hi all I hear so much about American nationalism and the strong sense of patriotism, but when I look at my homeland, I see a people almost reserved in it's displays of patriotism. Though perhaps provincialism is alive and kicking, especially in my home province of Canterbury (P.S thanks to Vangelis for writing Conquest of Paradise - every time the Crusaders play at Jade Stadium, the stadium reverberates to the roar of 30,000 people, some wicked music and the rush of 6 horsemen dressed as Crusaders galloping around the edge of the field whipping up a storm). Every time we win the Super 12 Rugby, there is a parade down Colombo Street for the Crusaders and the schools usually let their kids out to have a look. The America's Cup has an unofficial home in New Zealand where it has resided since 1995. Sir Peter Blake might be dead and the tactician, plus the skipper might have jumped overboard, but we have assembled another good team and there is no guarantee the cup will be going anywhere in a rush (up for grabs - at a price starting this October). But New Zealand pride is based on far more than just sport. It is based on a free nation and her citizens having a right to freedom of speech, freedom from fear, a right to peaceful protest among other things. We fought in two world wars with an appalling cost to a nation of only 1.2 million in 1914 and 1.6 million in 1939. 10000 Kiwi's died in the blood bath at Gallipoli which was masterminded by Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill. We also fought in Passchendaele and the Somme, again with massive loss of life. In World War 2 the New Zealanders again lined up alongside our faithful friends and good mates, the Australians. Joining us were British and Canadians, Indians, Fijians, South Africans, Irish, Welsh, and Scots. THE COMMONWEALTH FIGHTS TOGETHER. New Zealand fought the brilliant Deutsche Afrika Korps in the desert and the fact that World War 2 did not last even longer than the 6 tortuous years it did, is in part because Hitler failed to give the Afrika Korps 3 divisions when they would have used them to overrun Egypt. On Thursday April 25, New Zealand and Australia mark ANZAC DAY. ANZAC Day is Australia and New Zealand Army Corp Day which is for New Zealanders and Australians to give thanks to the returned servicemen and those who lie in graves across Europe, North Africa and in the Pacific. Rob

What a great summary of your country's patriotism! I remember writing a paper on the ANZUS treaty in college and that was the first time I really learned anything about Oceania (until today). Happy ANZAC Day, Rob! (also my daughter's birthday)

That was Beautiful, Rob. It belongs in a far better forum than Screwed. Americans can get all teary-eyed patriotic when the occasion calls for it, but mostly it is latent waiting for the appropriate time. We wax absolutley sappy over our college teams, though. Ask me! Thanks for reminding me of ANZAC day. I'll post in the appropriate place!

Happy Birthday to your daughter, Autumn! I'll bet they are both getting tall and beautiful just like their mother!

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. 2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant a lot like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? 3. OK....so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags", and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans? 4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea....does that mean than one enjoys it? 5. The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 326 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean God doesn't love heterosexuals-He just thinks they need more supervision. 6. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. 7. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? 8. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack? 9. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 10 . Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. 11. When someone asks you, "a penny for your thoughts", and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? 12. Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker? 13. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say? 14. Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one? 15. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted and musicians denoted? 16. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? 17. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? 18. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? 19. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail? 20. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? 21. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. 22. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? (Thanks HFL)

Subject: How It All Began In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the newriches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum.maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' 2 drumheads and drumsticks. Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known as "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham. And that is how it all began.

*laugh*

*G R O A N* with great appreciation! The discovery of heaviest element yet known to science A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named "Administratium." Administratium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 5 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization, in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." You will know it when you see it. With thanks to my hero, Ami.

Tis how I feel today Maggie Now I lay me Down to sleep. I pray the Lord My shape to keep. Please no wrinkles Please no bags Please lift my butt Before it sags. Please no age spots Please no gray As for my belly, Take it away. Please keep me healthy Please keep me young, And thank you Dear Lord For all that you've done. Foot Note: One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: "If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

*HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!*

*Picking myself up off the floor* Beatuiful. Maggie! You're ready for the 5 word continuing story elsewhere one Screwed!

*snicker* -so that's my problem, i've been saying the wrong prayer every night.... :-D

I've been praying for anti-gravity. You can tell how successful I was - or not!

Hi all Lol. I imagine most men would be praying that the chest of their woma(e)n are able to defy the law of gravity and form nicely. Rob

If you believe the cartoons in Playboy, all women are 36DD and stick straight out into cute little points. Oh Rob, I hate to break this news to you. What doesn't work for you also does not work for us! *;)

Most of the country has heard of the Darwin Awards given annually to the individuals who do the most for mankind by removing themselves from the gene pool. Now, we have the Stella Awards given to the individuals who win the most frivolous lawsuits ever. The Stella Awards are named in honor of 81 year-old Stella Liebeck, the woman who won $2.9 million for spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself. The following are candidates for the award: 1.) January, 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle, tripping over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering that the misbehaving little fellow was Ms. Robertson's son. 2.) June, 1998: 19 year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps. 3.) October, 1998: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pa., was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found in the garage and a large bag of dry dog food. Mr. Dickson sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of a half million dollars. 4.) October, 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The dog was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard at the time. Mr. Williams was also in the fenced-in yard. The award was less than sought, because the jury felt the dog might have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was repeatedly shooting it with a pellet gun. 5.) December, 1997: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pa., $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. 6.) December, 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, DE, successfully sued the owner of a night club when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses. And now, a recent addition. 7.) January, 2002: Police in Vermont stopped a man. After running his name, it came back that there were warrants for his arrest from Florida. Before the police could arrest him, he fled into a nearby forest (in the middle of winter). The police searched for him, but were unable to find him. Three days later, the suspect turns himself in to police and was taken to the hospital with frostbite. He ended up having several fingers and toes amputated. He is now suing the police. Why? The police didn't look for him hard enough! He stated in an interview, 'If they had searched harder, they would've found me'. He's accusing the police of dereliction of duty leading to his loss of limbs. Go figure. DO WE HAVE A PROBLEM WITH OUR JUDICIAL SYSTEM, OR WHAT???

the problem is with the jurists who are presented the facts and decide in the favor of the stupid.

Sooner or later the fee to insure against such stupidity will make it out of reach for everyone EXCEPT for the lawyers.

Hi all Well Marcia, I was not actually praying that the breasts of any woman I go with are able to defy the law of gravity. Doubtlessly some will though I favour natures course to silicon valley. Rob

rob's a "real" man!! *WOOHOO*

*giggle*

Oh my!!! That pleases the all-woman subject of this topic.

From a Wolfie who wants to remain anonymous: Ducks in Heaven Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: "Don't Step on the Ducks." So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck. Although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together for eternity as well. The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. Then one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid her eyes on. Very tan, muscular and sexy. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

*sputtering* LOL! :-)

It's been around before but it is still VERY funny!

it has? i've never seen it before!!

You guys are gonna give me some sort of heart failure on Word association and story in five words... *wiping eyes*

What? *blinking eyes innocently* ;-P

YOU especially. I REALLY have missed you!!! *HUGS*

And I You! *Big HUG Right Back*

DOG'S DIARY/ CAT'S DIARY Thanks Ami! EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 PM OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 1:30 PM - ooooooo. bath. bummer. 4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE! EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed. DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan. DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer.." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time...

ROTFLOL! *wiping eyes*

*LAUGH*

Having both cat and dog, I KNOW this is "spot on"!

Thanks to Lew for the following: Leaving Chicago for Boston, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I went into the restroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I had just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall... "Hi there, how's it going?" OK, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in restrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say so finally I just said, "Not bad..." Then the voice says: "So, what are you doing?" I am starting to find this a bit weird, but I say: "Well, I'm just going to the bathroom, then I'm heading east..." Then I hear the person say all flustered, "Look I'll call you back... Every time I ask you a question - this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me!"

*snort*

Thanks JK. He says he has experienced all of these exvept the bra. We should take up a collection! Warnings for Alcohol use: Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers: WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your butt kicked. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible or worse, bulletproof. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you! WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. WARNING: the consumption of alcohol may mack you tink you can tipe reel gode.

*guffaw*

Hi all A cats revenge: I was at my Uncle Bruce's bach in the Easter break and we were all in the garden. And their cat comes up to us. It reminded Bruce to tell us a story. The story goes like this. NOTE the incident occurred a couple weeks prior. Dusky, a big male cat catches a bird and brings it inside leaving feathers strewn across the kitchen floor. Bruce comes inside and sees the feathers lying across the floor as well as a badly mangled bird. He puts a growling Dusky in his bedroom and shuts the door, while he cleans the mess on the floor. Dusky was enraged and decided on revenge. He must have been ready to relieve himself because he went to Helens (Bruce's wife)pillow and peed on it. Then he went to Bruce's pillow and dropped a load of dung on it. As soon as Bruce opened the door he shot out and ran outside, vanishing onto the property next door, while Bruce and Helen confronted another mess....... Rob

Hi all Saw a copy of Playboy in the mens restrooms at University the other day. Don't ask me how it got there, but I would be lying if I said I did not pick it up and leaf through it. It was the end of the working (lectures/labs) day and I had some time on my hands to spare. Anyway I got up to leave and took one last look back and saw two more magazines hidden behind the toilet.... Rob

You must've stumbled onto one of your colleague's secret stash! Now the fun begins--figuring which one is the perv...

Rob, I'll talk to you later and tell you what they (the Playboy and other magazines) were doing there. Oh Surely you can figure it out... Cats are known to leave signs of their displeasure in the most unpleasant places. Ours always chose the living room upholstered chairs. Mymother's favorites, of course!

Hi all Anyone here from Toledo, Ohio?? Got a song for you sung by John Denver but written by Randy Sparks. From "An Evening with John Denver". ENJOY!!!!!! Saturday night in Toledo, Ohio Saturday night in Toledo, Ohio, is like being nowhere at all All through the day how the hours rush by You sit in the park and you watch the grass die Ah, but after the sunset, the dusk and the twilight When shadows of night start to fall They roll back the sidewalks precisely at ten And people who live there are not seen again Just two lonely truckers from Great Falls, Montana And a salesman from places unknown - ces unknown Oh add all together in downtown Toledo To spend their big night all alone You ask how I know of Toledo, Ohio Well I spent a week there one day They've got entertainment to dazzle your eyes Go visit the bakery and watch the buns rise Ah, but let's not forget that the folks of Toledo Unselfishly gave us the scales No springs, honest weight, that's the promise they made So smile and be thankful next time you get weighed And wive and wet wive Let this be our motto Let's let the sleeping dogs lie - ping dogs lie And here's to the dogs of Toledo, Ohio Ladies, we bid you goodbye Words and music by Randy Sparkes Rob

Hum it for us, Rob. I can't quite place the tune. (Someone wants to know how well you sing. Do you?)

Are those REALLY John Denver lyrics? I had no idea...

Will Rogers said this about gasoline prices in the early 1930's: "...there you have a business that is in the hands of a few men, and they see that the price is kept up. It's not regulated by supply and demand, it's regulated by manipulation." I guess we haven't learned much since then!

Hi all I said it was written by Randy Sparks, but John Denver sung it. I think I would have avoided Toledo for a bit if I had written that. Rob

*Laugh* I stand corrected. In any case I would avoid Toldeo. Not the most savory part of America, actually. I wonder what was beind the choice by John Denver to record that song. I HAS to have some ulterior motive!

Hi all Marcia, I know your birthday is coming up but I do not know what day it is... Rob

Heheh. Does any one? I could exact the ultimate punishment by making you read back through drool to where my last one was celebrated or on Geo 20, but never mind.

Hi all Too easy. I know where else I can look anyway. Hehehehehe!!!!!!!! *GRINS* But I am not going to tell you, so you cannot lock it down and force me into Drool. Hehehehehe!!!!!!!!! Rob

*wailing* Marcia!!! if you make me wade through back years of Drool....... although, on the upside, think of all those yummy pics of Colin i'd come across..... *sigh* *drifting off in dream land*

April 61st

Rob if you missed my offline message to you, you are wicked indeed!

i could actually hear him laughing!!!

I thought I heard him begging his brother for the use of his fingers and toes.

Where on earth is he checking. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!! Oh NO!!!

EVOLUTION OF MOTHERHOOD Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first. Clothes 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. Preparing for the Birth 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. 2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing. 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month. The Layette 1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau. 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains. 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they? Worries 1st baby: At the first sign of distress -- a whimper, a frown -- you pick up the baby. 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn. 3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing. Pacifier 1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it. 2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle. 3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in. Diapering 1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not. 2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed. 3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees. Activities 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour. 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics. 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner. Going Out 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times. 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached. 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood. At Home 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby. 2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children. **from Wolfie**

Hi all Hehehehehe!!!!!!!! *Grins wickedly* Dancing of to Geo (Introductions and suggestions). Ooooppppppsssss. Gave the game away *slaps himself*. Oh well, Miss Marcia will be kind, and once I see the date, it will be logged in my head for forever. *Grins* Rob

Me again Is it May 31st??? Or was Wolfie one day late or early when she posted. Rob

LOL, Wolf!! It's a good thing I didn't have a third--I was doing most of that stuff with my first!

i did all of that with my second!!!!

Rob read your offline messages. It is the 31st. I promise

Hi all Cool. Which brings me to my next point. I was thinking that should you come to NZ, make it November so that we can go to Last Night of the Proms and celebrate our English heritage. Sound cool? The Last Night of the Proms are immensely popular and nearly always have a full house. Plus the audience involvement is really cool. We get to throw streamers and pop balloons which is great fun during Pomp and Circumstance No.1. There is a different theme every time. Last year it was Spanish, and a few years before that it was English. So last years programme had excerpts from Carmen, and a Opera singer sung Golden eye which was neato. And of cause they had the usual hit parade - Fantasia on British Sea Songs, Rule Britannia, Pomp and Circumstance - Land of hope and Glory, Jerusalem and Halleujah. Rob PS Americans: If you think a good example of pomp is the Presidential Inaugaration, you have not seen anything until you see what will happen when the Queen of England dies. That will be pomp on a GRAND scale.

Rob, they did well by the Queen Mother at her funeral. I am still looking for a copy for you in PAL.

You will be in University in November! Last Night at the Proms is my dream! It has been since childhood. Hold that thought. I'd love to take you up on it!

Hi all I will hopefully be out by mid November for summer (University semester work ends later this year because we started later). Don't worry if you cannot do it THIS November. Last Night of the Proms is guaranteed to reappear next year because of it's immense popularity. I will be absolutely delighted to take you. My friends will think I am nuts and all the rest of it but hey, if they have learnt anything by now it should be that I am quite tolerant of people across the age spectrum. But Marcia, I have this dream of us singing Rule Britannia along 2700 others at Last Night of the Proms. Rob

Watching a Presidential inauguration is like watching paint dry. Now, the opening/closing ceremonies of the Olympics--that's pomp!

Hi all English pomp is when the coffin of a royal or the Prime Minister is carried on a gun carriage with the guard marching in step, the Royals and the mounted guard behind. A spectacle in Canterbury is a Super 12 game at Jade Stadium. A capacity crowd of 36000 being whipped into a frenzy by 6 horsemen dressed as Crusaders riding their horses around the field perimeter to the tune of Conquest of Paradise. The crowd goes nuts. In recent years a castle facade has been added and a gas powered flame is fired for every try the Crusaders score. The last three weeks have been phenomenal for Canterbury rugby and it is expected that 14 Cantaburians will be in the All Black squad to be announced on Monday. Following the announcement all focus will be on the New Zealand Womens Rugby team who are in the final of the Womens Rugby World Cup against France. Rob

Rob, I Know the words to "Rule Britannia." I committed them to memory many years ago (comparatively) and will fit right in as I look very like my British heritage. However, I would hate to ruin your reputation amongst your companions. Perhhaps we might make them a little jealous?! Older women can have a mysterious air and danger about them that is intoxicating. I'd do my best for you! Nothing quite moves me like the Olympics except a truly noble British ceremonial. Watching paint dry is an appropriate estimation of a presidential inauguration. But, in all fairness, we are still rather new at it!

A doctor invented a pain-sharing device that could ease one person's pain by giving some of their pain to another person. A woman went into labor, and her pain was to be shared by the father-to-be. At first the doctor turned up the shared pain to 10%. The husband said he didn't feel any pain at all, and that the doctor should turn up the apparatus. There still was no pain for the husband at 50 %, so the doctor turned it up to 80%. Again, the husband had no pain; so the doctor turned it up to 200%! Neither the woman or her husband had any pain, so the delivery of the baby went very smoothly. The woman was released from the hospital the next day, and they went home to the suburbs. When they arrived home, they discovered the mailman lying dead on the front porch.

Blame DB for these: 1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's two-tired. 2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). 3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backwards poet writes inverse. 5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. 7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. 9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. 11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. 16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 17. Every calendar's days are numbered. 18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. 19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. 20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. 21. A plateau is a high form of flattery. 22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. 25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. 26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. 27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. 28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 29. Acupuncture is a jab well done. 30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

har-dee-har-har, Marcia! It kills me that people still make those mailman jokes, it must mean that someone, somewhere actually knows their mail carrier's name. I never saw ours growing up and now I see her from a distance filling the box occasionally. Never had a mailbox on my front porch.

Ours lives a few streets from us but we have several postmen and women depending on how much mail is waiting. I really do know his name and he is a prince of a man. I always thought it was milkmen who did all of the fooling around. I lead a very sheltered life, apparently!

For those of us who did not learn English as our Mother Tongue: 1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produce produce. 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10) I did not object to the object. 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13) They were too close to the door to close it. 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 18) After a number of injections my jaw got number. 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick" ?

*LAUGH*

My Daughter-in-law sent it to me. She is a native German speaker.

V. funny Marcia :-D

HOW TO BATHE THE CAT 1. Thoroughly clean toilet. 2. Lift both lids and add shampoo 3. Find and soothe cat as you carry it to the bathroom. 4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close and stand on lids, so cat cannot escape. 5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this). 6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective. 7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids. 8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where it will air dry. Sincerely, The Dog

Blame the kindly cat owning DB for the above contribution.

This is SO depressing: "Older than Dirt" First lets start with this one. You find an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top is a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. No, it is not an attempt to make a salt shaker. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old! How Many Do You Remember?? * Head lights dimmer switches on the floor * Ignition switches on the dashboard * Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall * Real ice boxes [Ask your Mom about that] * Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards. * Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner. * Using hand signals for cars without turn signals. Older Than Dirt Quiz -- Count all the ones that you remember, NOT the ones you were told about! (Ratings at the bottom.) 1. Blackjack chewing gum 2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 3. Candy cigarettes 4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottle 5. Snack shops with tableside jukeboxes 6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers 7. Party lines 8. Newsreels before the movie 9. P. F. Flyers 10. Butch wax 11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933) 12. Peashooters 13. Howdy Doody 14. 45 RPM records 15. S&H Green Stamps 16. Hi-fi's 17. Metal ice trays with lever 18. Mimeograph paper 19. Blue flashbulb 20. Packards 21. Roller skate keys 22. Cork popguns 23. Drive-ins 24. Studebakers 25. Wash tub wringers

Hi all I would prefer your mysterious air Marcia, to their inability to comprehend the fact I have found someone, who genuinely likes me. It was common knowledge when I was in High School that no one really expected me to find someone, and the fact that you are that someone is probably a bit like revving a car engine to 7000 rpm when It can only do 6000. They would probably balk before then. Its not that I have pulled of the shock of the 21st century, it is just that certain individuals cannot fathom having at their age for a friend, someone of your outstanding qualities. Rob

*Hugs* Rob. On a night like this when I am consigned to house "Siberia" your warming words are precious, indeed! Here are more memories for you to share with your grandmother *;) (Iris sent them to me!) "Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "what was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?" "We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow." "C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?" "It was a place called 'at home,' " I explained. "Grandma Stewart cooked every day and when Grandpa Stewart got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it." By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it: My parents never owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died. My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. But also because we didn't have a car. We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza. It was a Luigi's Pizza on the west side of Cleveland and my friend, Ronnie, took me there to try what he said was "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had. We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Plymouth. He called it a "machine." I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line. Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was. All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered the Cleveland "News" six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day. Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them. If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing

Go ahead and rev up that engine. It just might give you a very big surprise *;)

Uh-oh, I remember 13 of the above.

You must remember being told by your grandmother, Autumn. I know you could NOT possibly have experienced it for yourself! Starting Friday, I'm going to count backward! This day-brightener from DB who will not admit to sending it to me: === The Mood Ring === My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead. === The Water Pistol === When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember." === Half Price === USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?" === Life After Death === "Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir," the new employee replied. "Oh, that explains it then," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

*laugh* i remember a few from the list....but i'm at a disadvantage-most of my childhood was spent chasing dad back and forth to germany (disadvantage?) i only had candy cigarettes once and then used to play with the plastic pipes my brother had to go with his truck (they were the same size as cigarettes). we had one tv and one phone. the tv was in the living room and the phone in the kitchen. i had to sit at the table til i liked what was cooked too. i also had a ton of chores to do and got $10 a month. we always had dinner as a family. we had an atari when i was a teenager but only 4 or 5 games and then i could only play on it if i behaved myself. i watched a rated r movie on tv with my parents only because my mom liked scott bao (however you spelled his name). i had to be in bed by nine as a teenager (lights off) and home by ten if i went to a dance. anyway, guess you could say i can relate to the poor guy with no fast food! (we went to mcdonalds rarely and my brother and i had to share shasta sodas).

Sounds familiar, Wolfie. Me too but I never got that much money. I was put on a budget in high school so I would know how to manage the vast sums allotted to me in college for frivolity. All $15 of it per month. I actually saved it for a few months when there was something I really wanted. The chores - I got 50 cents for anything I did from shovelling the snow to mowing the lawn and if Ihad to be reminded, I HAD to do it and got no pay at all. But, I think I am better than those who have never had to budget and now have huge credit card debts. None here! Our one phone was in the hallway and EVERYONE could hear what you were saying. *sigh* As for R rated movies... I am certain none were watched in the house of my parents. We had television for my entire life but only watched it when something world-shaking was occuring.

i was punished if my chores weren't done or if they weren't done right (as in restriction). but that was a blessing because during my restrictions i learned the love of books and writing. my allowance money wasn't for spending--i put it in savings (and i only earned that during my teenage years) and i am grateful for my chores because i can take care of myself. my kids now enjoy the luxury of being placed on restriction and having chores to do.

Hi all I budget too. I have expenditure of $100 a week out of $290 weekly income plus $30 weekly board (Mum and Dad are pretty lax so it is usually $30 fortnightly). $4000-5000 annually is for university and the rest is being saved. Not bad, eh?? Rob

Happy Birthday Marcia!!! *hugs*

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCIA!

sorry about that *hugs*

It's nice to hear that kids still have to pay their parents room and board. My friends look at me like I have two heads when I mention paying $15/week to live at home while I worked and went to college. What a bargain! I wish I could move back in, LOL!

Wow!!! I am impressed with Rob's foresight and for WOLFIE'S Gigantic good wishes. *Cough* Now I need to get closer and take Mmme Pele's photo of the whole thing for you!

There is a serious message at the end, you get to laugh on the way to it. Finally, something other than smiley faces.... Perfect breasts (o)(o) Fake silicone breasts ( + )( + ) Perky breasts (*)(*) Big nipple breasts (@)(@) A cups o o D cups ( O )( O ) Wonder bra breasts (oYo) Cold breasts ( ^ )( ^ ) Lopsided Breasts (o)(O) Pierced Breasts (Q)(O) Hanging Tassels Breasts (p)(p) Grandma's Breasts \ o /\ o / Against The Shower Door Breasts ( )( ) Android Breasts | o | | o | Martha Stewart's Breasts ($)($) And God created woman and she had 3 breasts. He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?" She replied, "Yes, could get rid of this middle breast?" And so it was done, and it was good. Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding the third breast in her hand, " What can be done with this useless boob?" And God created man. For three years of good plumbing luck, mail this to 13 other females. Don't break the chain! One female broke the chain, her plumbing became so bad, she now has an outhouse. OK - now that you have had your laugh, remember breast cancer awareness - so have those boobs checked out and stay healthy. Thanks to Gi for sending this. The life you save may keep her from having to reconstruct your missing breasts. I am up to date on exams. I trust you are!

A businessman walked into a New York City bank. After asking for the loans officer, he explained that he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and wanted to borrow $5,000. The loans officer said that the bank would need some sort of collateral for such a loan, whereupon the businessman handed over the keys to his Rolls Royce, parked on the street in front of the bank. After everything checked out, the loans officer accepted the Rolls as collateral and an employee then drove the car into the bank's underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later the businessman returned and repaid the $5,000 with accumulated interest, which worked out to $15.41. Not surprisingly, the loans officer was just a bit curious about the whole thing: "We do appreciate your business and all, and this transaction has worked out very nicely -- but you are a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The businessman shrugged: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

LOL! :-)

that's a good one, maggie!!

Hi all I know what I would not mind seeing here... a table dance. *Grins wickedly* Rob

Ah yes, I seem to remember owing one or two of them to very carefully chosen people. *grin* Rob, are you sure you are ready for this? (I wonder if anyone teaches how to do this...!)

Hi all Marcia, I direct you attention back to message 861 in this subject. There was another appropriate time in 1995 when the Dennis Conner's Star and Stripes team could not find Black Magic during the last race of the America's Cup. So the quote would be: Where the @#$% has Black Magic gone? Rob

Alas, YES!!! I remember all too well. Is ths America's Cup race this summer?Where?I sure don't want to miss that!

Hi all Auckland. Racing of Rangitoto Island in the Hauraki Gulf. Rob

WHEN Rob??? I am going to search for the answer then we all will know. Thanks!

America's Cup Race Calendar http://xtramsn.co.nz/teamnewzealand/0,,7152,00.html The trouble is I cannot understand the calendar numbers. I need an American version!

Hi all Okay then. 15/02-01/03 is February 15 to March 1. Thus the period between my birthday on December 2 and Julie's on December 17 is 02/12-17/12. Rob

Hi all Marcia is almost a 1000-message lass. This is message 988. Marcia dear, how are you today? Rob

Hi Rob! HUGS!!! I have been negligent coming here since my online time is limited to when I am awake and Don is not using the line for REAL life stuff like research. I am well, thank you. HOT, but well. I will be returning to Hilo soon. *sigh*

ONLY a thousand miles? It is really a whole different planet! December for the Yacht races. Excellent

This apparently was a real memo sent out by a computer company to its employees in all seriousness.. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences. Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls. If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

*LAUGH* I read this as a joke that was passed around!!

LOL! made me laugh out loud at work. now will have to send out as a company email to explain sudden out burst :-D

Hi all Cool things are afoot in World Seismicity (my earthquakes group on Yahoo), where I have started installing the images I took in Franz Josef of the Alpine Fault. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/worldseismicity Only three at this stage but it is a start. Rob

Yo Rob!!! send them to me and I will make them available for you to post in your topic on Geo. It's easy and a whole lot more permanent and visible on the search engines.

You know you're living in the 02's when: 1. You have 5 passwords, but can only remember one. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner. 7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line. 8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies. 9. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro. 10. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket. 11. You can only write on 'sticky pads'. 12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes. 13. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job. 14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards. 15. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined. 16. Interviewees, despite not having relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary. 17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet. 18. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up. 19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital. 20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy. 21. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers". AND THE CLINCHERS ARE.. 22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling. 23. As you read this list, you THINK about forwarding it to your "friends."

LOL! Great List :-D

Hi all I am up to the 12th part of the 12 part Volcanoes of New Zealand series, dealing with the Volcanoes of New Zealand. This is the Grand Finale of the series which in the past month has seen Ruapehu, Ngauruhoe, Taranaki, Tongariro, the Auckland Volcanic Field, Mayor Island, White Island, Edgecumbe, Okataina, Tarawera and Tauhara take the stage in a New Zealand volcanic extravaganza. As we now prepare for the final stage of the series, I read a few of the highlights from the tour of the volcanoes. -At Ruapehu, I told the story of Cyril Ellis who tried in vain to stop a train approaching the lahar-swollen Whangaehu River on Christmas Eve 1953, and who helped evacuate an entire carriage load of passengers to safety from the sixth carriage on the train which plunged into the lahar. Despite his brave efforts 151 people died on that very dark night. -When dealing with Tongariro I made mention of a myriad of vents and explosion features formed by the volcano erupting through numerous features - Te Maari, Red Crater, South Crater, North Crater to name a few features. -The narrative that formed my personal experiences with White Island based on a visit in January 1991, where I visited the volcano and saw the ruins of the sulphur works. -The Mount Tarawera Rift walk which I have just put up in World Volcanism In addition pics of Ruapehu, Taupo and Tarawera are coming.... Rob

SPORTS SPEECH BLUNDERS 1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing." 2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother." 3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back." 4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." 5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious." 6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." 7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces." 8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew." 9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." 10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Hi all MARCIA, THE THOUSAND MESSAGE LASS!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Rob

THREE CHEERS FOR MARCIA HIP HIP HOORAY HIP HIP HOORAY HIP HIP HOORAY Rob

Real Dilberts A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists: 1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.) 2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping) 3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company) 4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service) 5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. 6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.) 7. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers) 8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation) 9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists) 10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division) 11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) 12. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards) 13. And the winner!! As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired-and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words, which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

Wooooooooo 1000 posts!!! Fantastic stuff you are finding, Cheryl. Beautiful! NEWSPAPER HEADLINES IN THE YEAR 2035 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California's third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock. Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped. Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon.) Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

NEWEST MEDICATIONS FOR WOMEN D A M I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours. St. M O M M A'S W O R T Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours. E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. P E P T O B I M B O Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting. D U M E R O L When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music. F L I P I T O R Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. M E N I C I L L I N Potent antibiotic for women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?" B U Y A G R A Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Extra Strength BUY-ONE-ALL When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura J A C K A S S P I R I N Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. R A G A M E T When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. Thanks to FL

This was written by a black guy in Texas....... what a great sense of humor! When I been born, I black. When I grow up, I black. When I go in sun, I black. When I'se cold, I black. When I scared, I black. When I sick, I black. And when I die, I'se still black. You white folks...... When you born, you pink. When you grow up, you white. When you go in sun, you red. When you cold, you blue. When you scared, you yellow. When you sick, you green. When you bruised you purple. And when you die, you gray. So who you callin' colored?

William! Welcome back. You cannot imagine how much you were missed!

ditto!!!!!

Yep.

Hi all Missed me? Sorry I neglected this place. Rob

Hi all Marcia. Watch your e-mail for incoming pics. Rob

Hey, Rob! Happy belated ANZAC Day!!

ROB!!! Welcome back from wherever. I am eager to hear of your adventures. YES!!! I missed you! I think we all did. I am also worried about John in Greece. He has never been missing this long!

I can think of worse places to disappear in!

Yeah, like Detroit? They never find you again! So I hear, anyway!

Hi all Then watch Geo over the next few days. I will put something in there. Rob

*HUGS* Rob, It is very good to have you back!

Hi all Shortly before 10PM NZST the lava dome of Robert Glennie loosed off a literary pyroclastic flow. Please go to Geo 64 to see it. Rob (the lava dome lives on)

Yay! (sorry I have not gotten your photos on line yet, but I still cannot access the hard drive because I do not have the security program for it)

they don't find you again in L.A. either.....i've missed all of you! *HUGS*

Hi all How are we all? New Zealand is having a power crisis because we have below normal inflows of water to the hydro storage lakes. The summer saw very few northwesters with large amounts of rain falling so the hydro catchments are still dry despite recent rains. I have exams in June, but in the mean time am enjoying University and I think I am on track to earn a degree in December. I am doing Geographic Information Systems, which is really interesting to put it mildly (I got a B+ for a project I did last term and am confident I can do it again)because GIS trained students are in short supply here, and Regional Councils (local government)almost guarantee you a job if you have GIS experience. Rob

Hi all I will put more stuff in Robs Geo World shortly - that will be my main focus in Spring for awhile. I might even include highlights of my high scoring GIS laboratory folio. Rob

That sounds great,Rob. Do put the information on Geo. That would be sensational.

Hi Woolfie! I'll boot the MSN from tomorrow onward and see if I can get you. I miss talking with you, too! *Hugs*

Was it here we were discussing Hominy? Grits I do not love... I was mistaken. Hush puppies are the delicous and lightly sweeteened deep fried munchie. Grits is like cream of wheat for breakfast. I hear cheese grits is (are?) good, but I have never had the opportunity to eat any. They seem not to be served at buffet tables.

Hi Marcia, thought you'd find this funny too -hope you dont mind if i post here!! :-D Updated Employee Handbook DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25 RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. The Management

Oooh lovely! Thanks, EsBee. I love it!

Vanilla Pudding This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2. Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened. They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read: Are you ready for this??????????????? IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...

The above is thanks to Ami *;)

Ewwwww!

"It doesn't SMELL like Vanilla Pudding..." (but it makes a good story) Hey guys, I am back in America on the mainland !!! Yay!

Congratulatons. You're in Kentucky?

California till Friday. After Friday I may not surface for a while :))

The guy I'm working for, building a website, might announce a run for Gov. We'll see.

You only have a short time to file in CA. ;-)

Good for you, Terry. Be sure to let us know where it is so we can admire it.

Fun Facts From Around the World In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.) In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?) Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??) The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind!") There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?) In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!) Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!) In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.) In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?) In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for this stuff?) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...? -- did the govt. pay for this research??) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez) An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too) And, the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts. (Do you think they have bad breath?)

As a life-long Marylander, I can attest to the condom vending thing--only in seedy bars! Very ironic, considering no one would want to have sex with anyone who frequents those dives...

Great stuff Cheryl! Thanks. BTW, if you have been used to emailing me, please do so again. My address book was wiped out by some unknown freeze that also took out my entire old email program. Thanks!

You're welcome! I have another one, which is about computers. COMPUTER, HERE'S YOUR LAUGH FOR TODAY!!! This will make you feel like a PC wizard! Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are technologically challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin'" yet. 1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. 2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. 3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper- by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key. 4. Yet another, Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually. 5. A Dell technicia n received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally. 6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer-but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer. 7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician aske! d her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal "turned out to be the computer's mouse. 8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?" 9. Another IBM customer had trouble in! stalling software and rang for support "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" implied to remove Disk 1 first. 10. A story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know! anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive. 11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if neshe was "running it under windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine." 12. And last but not least: TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'". TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob." CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?" TECH SUPPORT: " 'P' on your keyboard, Bob." CUSTOMER: "I ain't gonna do that! For some reason I don't feel so stupid any more.

This is so funny. No matter how often I read it, I am still ROTF when I do. Thanks Cheryl, and thanks for emailing me.

Cheryl! I LOVED the FUN FACTS! I'm still giggling... Thanks!

*Hugs* Stacey!!! It is so good to see you basking in the Spring again! You might check Geo 15. It's geosites for kids and I post NASA for kids weekly there *;)

Geo 15 for your son, of course! Moms get to learn the neatest stuff while showing their kids how it's done!

This was copied to me by my precious daughter-in-law: Dear Friends and Family, I hope that you will spare me a few minutes of your time to tell you about something that I saw on Monday, October 27. I had been attending a conference in Annapolis and was coming home on Sunday. As you may recall, Los Angeles International Airport was closed on Sunday, October 26, because of the fires that affected air traffic control. Accordingly, my flight, and many others, were canceled and I wound up spending a night in Baltimore. My story begins the next day. When I went to check in at the United counter Monday morning I saw a lot of soldiers home from Iraq. Most were very young and all had on their desert camouflage uniforms. This was as change from earlier, when they had to buy civilian clothes in Kuwait to fly home. It was a visible reminder that we are in a war. It probably was pretty close to what train terminals were like in World War II. Many people were stopping the troops to talk to them, asking them questions in the Starbucks line or just saying "Welcome Home." In addition to all the flights that had been canceled on Sunday, the weather was terrible in Baltimore and the flights were backed up. So, there were a lot of unhappy people in the terminal trying to get home, but nobody that I saw gave the soldiers a bad time. By the afternoon, one plane to Denver had been delayed several hours. United personnel kept asking for volunteers to give up their seats and take another flight. They weren't getting many takers. Finally, a United spokeswoman got on the PA and said this, "Folks. As you can see, there are a lot of soldiers in the waiting area. They only have 14 days of leave and we're trying to get them where they need to go without spending any more time in an airport then they have to. We sold them all tickets, knowing we would oversell the flight. If we can, we want to get them all on this flight. We want all the soldiers to know that we respect what you're doing, we are here for you and we love you." At that, the entire terminal of cranky, tired, travel-weary people, a cross-section of America, broke into sustained and heart-felt applause. The soldiers looked surprised and very modest. Most of them just looked at their boots. Many of us were wiping away tears. And, yes, people lined up to take the later flight and all the soldiers went to Denver on that flight. That little moment made me proud to be an American, and also told me why we will win this war. If you want to send my little story on to your friends and family, feel free. This is not some urban legend. I was there, I was part of it, I saw it happen. Will Ross Administrative Judge United States Department of Defense

Just as I was thinking "urban legend" I got to the closing line.

Marci, is there a Spaulding Laundry in Louisville?

I'll check the phone book (downstairs) Don says it is between here and downtown and still in business. Why do you ask?

Beethoven The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!" "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled." A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. "Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

The Supreme Court has ruled that there can be no Nativity Scene in Washington D.C. this year. There is not religious reason. They simply cannot find three wise men or a virgin the Capitol. There is no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

The above was sent to me by a timid lady who shall remain namelss. Thanks, Lucie *;)

Thanks for this - hfl Subject: In The Beginning...... In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said "Yeh," and Woman said, "and another one with sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. The stockholders were very happy. And Satan smiled. And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14. So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. Then God said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken fried steak so big it needed its own platter. Outback Steak House thrived! And man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said "it is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food." God then brought running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds. Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds. God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. Satan created McDonald's and its 99 cent double cheeseburger and said ''You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yeh! And super size 'em." And Satan said "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created HMOs.

For All the Lexophiles (Word Lovers) A bicycle can�t stant alone because it is two-tired. What�s the definition of will? (It�s a dead giveaway.) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. A backward poet writes inverse. In democracy it�s your vote that counts; in feudalism it�s your count that votes. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don�t pay your exorcist you get repossessed. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I�ll show you A-flat minor. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. You fell stuck with your debt if you can�t budge it. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. He often broke into song because he couldn�t find the key. Every calendar�s days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted. �Taint yours and �taint mine. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. A plateau is a high form of flattery. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. When you�ve seen one shopping center you�ve seen a mall. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she�d dye. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. Santa�s helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture is a jab well done. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat. That which is Irish and sits out all night would be Patio Furniture.

*ROTFL*

25 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE GROWN UP 1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up. 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM. 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach. 19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." 21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again." 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 25. You read this entire list looking desperately for just one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find a single one to save your sorry old ass.

OUT OF THE MOUTH'S OF BABES A first grade teacher selected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It�s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these, keep in mind that these are first graders � 6 year olds. Better to be safe than . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . punch a 5th grader. Strike while the . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . bug is close. It�s always darkest before . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Daylight Saving Time. Never underestimate the power of . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . termites. You can lead a horse to water but . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . how? Don�t bite the hand that . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . looks dirty. No new is . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . impossible. A miss is as good as a . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Mr. You don�t teach an old dog . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . math. If you lie down with dogs, you�ll . . . . . . . . . . . . stink in the morning. Love all, trust . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . me. The pen is mightier than the . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . pigs. An idle mind is the . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . the best way to relax. Where there�s smoke, there�s . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . pollution. Happy the bride who . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . gets all the presents. A penny saved is . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . not much. Two�s company, three�s . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . the Muskateers. Don�t put off to tomorrow what . . . . . . . . . . . . you put on to go to bed. There are none so blind as . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Stevie Wonder. Children should be seen and not . . . . . . . . . . . . . . spanked or grounded. If at first you don�t succeed . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . get new batteries. When the blind leadeth the blind . . . . . . . . . . . . . . get out of the way. Better late than . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . pregnant!!!

The Parrot A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?" HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

*laugh* i've heard this with chickens in the freezer too! Happy Thanksgiving!!!

What good stuff is here!!! Thanks Cheryl !!! I love this sort of stuff.

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention has released a list of the symptoms of Bird Flu: If you experience the following, please seek medical treatment immediately: 1. High fever 2. Congestion 3. Nausea 4. Fatigue 5. Aching in the joints 6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield.

6 is telltale.

*ROTF*

Thanks to DB, we have that bird flu story. I still laugh thinking about it.

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are: 1. Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs. 2. Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained. 3. Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent. 6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown. 7. Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 13. Pokemon (n) a Rastafarian proctologist. 14. Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. 16. Circumvent (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by circumcised men.

My frisbee caught caught in a tree on the disc golf course the other day. That makes me a frisbeetarian.

YES!!! add that to the list

Good grief !